02x10 - Kevin Moves Metal

[bunniefuu]

Rootger, come sit. Daily meeting.

- No, I can hear you from here.
- No, no, that's why I got the table.

So we could have team meetings,
like a real company.

So, I lost my desk

just so that we could
have team meetings?

Yeah, and this one's getting
off to a bumpy start

- because of that attitude.
- Okay.

[CHUCKLING] This table is pretty nice.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Thank you, Rootger, very much.

All right. [CLEARS THROAT]

First order of business...

Hmm.

I have nothing. Vanessa,
you have the floor.

It's all you. Go ahead.

Well, unfortunately,

I have to start on a bad note.

We did not get the security gig
at the Billy Joel concert.

It went to Nassau Security.

[SIGHS] Unbelievable. We
lost out to those guys?

Well, they are ex-Navy SEALs. I mean...

Yeah. Ex.

Have you seen 'em lately?

They look like actual seals. [CHUCKLES]

All they do is they
eat, and they lay...

Lay on the beach and stuff, like...

[IMITATES SEAL GRUNTING]

Continue. Continue. Go ahead. Go ahead.

We did get one account.

It's from a small law firm,

but it could lead to bigger things.

Okay. Hit me with it. Let's do it.

All right, well, it's a divorce case.

A woman thinks that her
husband's cooking the books

to keep his alimony low.

He, uh... He owns Westbury Auto Mall.

All right, so I guess we got
to get in there somehow,

locate the safe, and then just

figure out a way to cr*ck it, right?

I can get some C- .

Nah, I think it's a
little too much club.

Probably take out the
Hallmark Store next to it.

We're not doing any of that.
No one's cracking anything.

We got to do something, all right?

I say we go undercover,

get in there, and, believe me,

we'll get all the information we need.

Yeah, actually, you know what?
That's not a bad idea.

I mean, I know the
maintenance people there.

Maybe I can get in on
the cleaning crew.

What do you mean, you? First of all,

I j... I just said that.
It was my idea.

I understand that, but
you tend to lose focus.

Let me just get in there, get it done.
In, out.

No. You're not a janitor.

Look at you... you're all
prissy with your bracelets

and the jingles and, “Oh, I...”

Okay.

No. This... Look. This is a janitor.

- Yes.
- Right? Thank you, Rootger.

I would also believe you
as a... as a deli guy

who makes nice sandwiches.

Okay, you can go back outside now.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.]

[BUFFER WHIRRING]

[BUFFER SQUEAKING]

[THUDS]

[BUFFER SQUEAKING]

[CHAIR CREAKS]

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.]

WOMAN: Excuse me?

Hello? Hi. Uh...

Sorry to startle you.

We're interested in the
SUV you've got out there.

Oh, you know, I d... I don't work in...

Does the third row go flat?

We need the extra space.

Well, it's definitely got the
extra space. I know that.

And the third row does go flat.

I know, and only 'cause of my buddy.

He's... He's got the exact same car.

Actually, a few months ago, he
was on the way to a Jet game,

and his pregnant wife
felt a little kick.

He pulls over... boom...

She gives birth to twins
right in the back.

[CHUCKLES] All three of 'em,

comfortable as puppies on a pillow.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow. I believe you just sold us.

Guess we're pretty much ready to buy.

Did I just hear my favorite words?

“We're ready to buy”? [CHUCKLES]

Jerry Benton, owner and proprietor.

Why don't you folks head
down to the finance office?

Hope you brought your flip-flops,

'cause I'm gonna make you a deal

that's gonna knock your socks off.

[LAUGHS]

Very smooth, son.

Oh.

You been selling for us long?

No, no, no. I don't...
I-I work in maintenance.

Not anymore, you don't.

I work off of instinct,

and my gut tells me you're
a natural-born salesman.

Wow. Tell your gut thanks.

Tomorrow, wear a blazer.

I want you out here on the sales floor.

[BELL DINGS]

W-What was that?

Uh, that's Trevor. He
just sold another car.

He's in first place this month,

but if I'm right about you,

you'll be at the top of
that board in no time.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

And the top spot gets you that Vespa.

Whoa.

It looks like the one Mario Batali rode

in “Food Warriors.”

It is the one.

Mario's a friend of mine.

I sold him his Buick Regal.

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

Well, I've always wanted a Vespa.

'Cause it feels like a
Harley's a little too much.

And the moped? Not quite enough.

But this Italian muffin here
she threads the needle.

You see that?

The language you're speaking...

It... it's just poetry.

You have a way with words.

W... You know what it is?

I, uh...

Every time I-I feel like
that, um, some... I, um...

Thank you.

♪

All right. I did it.

Good for you. Did what?

I signed up to audition
for the school play.

You said you'd help me.
So, let's do it.

Today? Oh, no, Jack. I'm sorry.
I can't.

I have to be at Enzo's
in like five minutes.

But my audition.

Audition?

Yeah. Yeah, Jack's going
out for the school play.

Really? Huh.

I didn't realize there
was a fellow thespian

in the house.

That means he used to act.

Some call it “acting.”

Others say that I “held a
mirror up to society.”

And that means he thinks he was good.

Okay, so, you can help him?

- I would love to.
- Thank you.

All right, Jackie boy, let's
dig into this material.

What are we performing?
“Hamlet”? “Othello”?

It's called “Bullying: Don't Do It”"

My gym teacher, Mr. Gronk, wrote it.

Oh, well. We all start somewhere.

But don't worry. I've got a
lot of tricks in my bag.

Now, where does our journey begin?

Oh, I take some kid's milk
and flick him in the ear.

Right. But that's probably
just a metaphor for, um...

Oh, no. You just take some
milk, flick a kid in the ear.

♪

- Hey.
- Hey. There you are.

Well, what'd you find out? Did
you get the sales numbers?

I did not, but I got
something way better.

A promotion.

Boom!

Jerry bumped me to sales.

What're you talking about?

What am I talking about?
I sold three cars today.

A Camry, an Elantra, and then a...

Okay, what about the job
that you were there to do?

Let me finish. And a Tahoe.

Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl swing!

You do realize that Jerry's
not your friend, right?

He's the guy that we're
supposed to nail.

Yeah, speaking of nails, by the
way, he gave me a nickname.

He calls me “The Hammer”"
because I hammer deals shut!

- Killin' it.
- Okay. Hey. Hey!

- I need you to focus.
- Yeah.

- Can you focus?
- Yeah. I'm focused.

I spoke to the client.

She said that Jerry
keeps his sales numbers

on a purple thumb drive in his safe.

Yeah, you know what? I saw it.

- It's in his office.
- Okay.

And, by the way, now
that I'm a salesman,

I have access to that.

That is three-dimensional chess

- I'm playin', girl.
- Great.

Great, great, great, great, great.

Tomorrow, go in there and
just get it done, okay?

I'm sorry. Who do you
want to go in there?

I am not calling you
“The Hammer,” so...

You just did.

♪

Hey, kid. Nice milk.

Leave me alone, Duke.

I will. Right after I drink your milk!

Okay, hold. Hold.

That's a hold. What
are you doing, Jack?

Well, I'm saying the lines.

Exactly. You're saying them.

I need you to feel them.

Look, when you're out
there, there is no Jack.

There is only Duke...

Tortured bully and eventual hero.

Find it. Go.

So... louder?

No, not lou...

Look.. [CLEARS THROAT]

the point I am
trying to impart in you

is that you need to feel
your character's pain, okay?

Here, a little acting trick.

Take this pebble, place
it in your shoe.

And then, every time you
feel the pain in your foot,

you will actually be feeling
the pain in Duke's heart.

So I gotta walk around
with a rock in my shoe?

Yes!

How else are you going
to understand why Duke

is picking on... um...

“Boy Eating Sandwich” on page five?

You are better than this, Mr. Gronk.

♪

Coffee, Mr. Hammer?

You know what? Make
it a latte, Maritza.

And keep 'em coming.

I'm en fuego.

[LAUGHING]

You're so funny, Mr. Hammer.

Hey, I noticed you checking
out the car, sport.

What's your name, player?

- Dinesh.
- Dinesh. I like it.

Power name. Alpha!

Actually, it means “Lord of the Day.”

So, I was right. So, whaddya
think of the car, Day Lord?

It's... nice.

Hmm. Yeah. I'm gonna have to disagree.

Bean bag chairs are nice.

Hemmed slacks are nice.

This is a beast, right?

And I see an animal like you
driving this baby... tame it.

Rrrrww!

You know what? You're right.

- I'm taking it.
- There you go. Jerry. Ring 'em up.

Nice, Hammer! Looks
like you're number one.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about it, too, Jer.

Hey. Kendra told me you
were working down here.

I might be in the, uh,
market for a new vehicle.

Look, look. I'm working undercover,

so just keep it down, all right?

All right, well, look, can you
sell me a new car or not?

'Cause I'm motivated.

Just pick out a car. I'll get
it for you, all right? Yeah.

What can you tell me about
this baby right over here?

The “Cloudy with a Chance
of Meatballs” car?

It's a promo car for some kids' movie.

Yeah. A very successful kids' movie.

- So, what's the story with it?
- There's no story.

It's a crappy car covered
in meatball stickers.

The owner calls it his white whale.

Says he's never gonna
be able to sell it.

Okay. [CHUCKLES]

Playing it close to the vest. Got it.

I mean, not that it
would've mattered to me,

because I'm not interested, you know?

Okay, great.

Unless it was like a really sick deal.

It's not. That's the... That's
the clearance price right there.

It's as sick as it's gonna get.

And the dance begins.

No. There's no dance.
That's the price, okay?

I gotta go.

All right, I'm walking away.

Call me when you want to talk turkey.

No turkey. I'm not calling you.

WOMAN: Greg Wilson, dial
the operator, please.

Greg Wilson, dial the operator.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[BELL DINGS]

- Hey!
- Hey!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Another sale for Trevor!

[LAUGHTER]

Looks like you have some
competition, Hammer.

Or am I back to calling you “Kevin”?

No, i-it's Hammer, sir.
Hammer's in the house.

That's what I like to hear.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, crap. I left my safe open.

I hear what you're saying about

not being able to afford the car.

But let me ask you this...

Can you afford to not not get it?

Hmm?

My friend, you ready to dance
like nobody's watching?

Can you excuse me for a second?

Hey, what're you doing here?

Oh, I work here now.

If you're not gonna
get the thumb drive,

we don't get paid.

- I'm gonna get it, all right?
- R-Really?

- What're you waiting for?
- What am I waiting for?

The right time, okay?

I'm about to sell my seventh car.

You know how many I've
sold this week already?

I-I don't know... six?

That's right. Six.

You can't even count
that amount on one hand.

Unless you have a... an extra finger,

like that, you know, the girl
who works at the Golden Corral.

You know, at the register.
She's got the extra pinky.

- She's so good, though.
- Can you... Can you... Can you focus?!

Yeah, I'm focused.

Nobody's in the office.

Get in there and get the drive,

or I will do it myself.

I'll do it, all right?

And by the way, show a
little pride in your work.

Throw that creamer on ice...

What... are you tryin'
to k*ll everybody?

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.]

Okay, wait.

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.]

Hey, Jer.

Hammer?

Yeah. What are you doing in here?

I was, uh, just looking for a pen.

About ready to slam another deal shut,

and I wanted one of those
logo ones you have.

They're kind of cool, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Everything all right, Jer?

Actually, no.

Everything's not “all right.”

Take a seat.

[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

What is wrong with the world?

Can't trust anybody anymore.

You know what I'm saying?

Not really. I still have a
lot of faith in people.

That's the way I was raised.

Turns out my ex-wife

hired a private investigator
to do some digging on me.

Dig up some dirt. And I
know who that person is.

In fact, I'm looking at 'em right now.

You are?

Yep. The new coffee girl.

You know what? I never liked her.

I-I-I got a bad vibe from
her the minute I met her.

And, by the way, don't drink the cream,

'cause she's had it
sitting out all day.

She's not good on that, either.

I knew I recognized her.

She wrote me a ticket four years ago.

I never forget a face.

So, what are... what are you gonna do?

Watch this.

Uh, oh, Elaine?

Oh, yes, um, Mr. Benton?

I know what you're here for.

The thumb drive.

And it's not on my desk, so I
guess you've already gotten it.

But it's not gonna help you.

I wiped it clean last night.

I-I-I do not know what
you are talking about.

I think you do, Elaine. I think you do.

You've got five minutes to get
your stuff and get out of here.

Yeah, get out of here, Elaine!

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Get out of here.

Tighten your hair net, woman.
You disgust me.

You disgust me!

- Hammer, Hammer.
- Yeah?

I like the anger, just
pull it back a bit.

Okay.

I can't believe my ex-wife
would do me like this.

What happened?

Long story.

She thinks I'm lying about the sales

to pay less alimony.

Course, I wouldn't do that. Right?

Course not, Jer.

[LAUGHING]

What are you doing sitting here?

Get out there and sell some cars.

Oh, sorry, JB. I-I thought we
were having a moment here.

Okay, yeah. I'm out.

♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, thank you again for helping Jack

with his audition.

Oh, when he comes in, do
not refer to him as Jack.

I want him to live the
part of “Duke the Bully.”

Okay, but don't you think
that's a little intense

for a -year-old?

It's the process.

Hey. Is something wrong with your foot?

Yeah. Yeah. I got a rock in my shoe.

Chale wanted me to “find the pain.”

Stay in character.

Duke would never admit to
people that he's hurting.

She didn't ask him... she asked me.

Hey! There is no “me.”
There is only Duke.

And the faster you realize
that, the better.

You know what? I'm sick of this!

I-I'm... I'm sick of
the rock in my shoe!

I'm sick of acting! I'm sick of you!

Well, well, well, look
who just showed up.

[CHUCKLES] Hello, Duke.

♪

Where have you been?

Sorry. We had cake in the service bay.

It's Denise's birthday.

Well, I wish I was there to celebrate

Denise's big day, but you got me fired.

Okay, I didn't get you fired
you got yourself fired.

All right? He saw right through you.

And, by the way, it was a
little over the top...

[IMITATING KEVIN] “You disgust me.”

You don't disgust me, all right?
I'm undercover.

- You disgust my character.
- Okay. Great.

Just so you know, now
we have nothing, okay?

Because you were so obsessed

with trying to get yourself
a little “scooter.”

It's not a scooter, okay?

Mario Batali does not ride a scooter.
He rides a Vespa.

Unbelievable.

Maybe I got a little
carried away, all right?

- Yeah.
- I hope it's worth it,

- because we lost a client.
- Well, it's not over yet.

You remember that $

pen-camera thing we talked about?

You mean the one I told
you we couldn't afford?

And specifically forbidden you to lie?

- Yeah, I bought it.
- No!

Yes.

One click of this, and it is showtime.

That's a Sharpie.

This...

♪

Oh, there he is! [CHUCKLES] My prodigy.

How did the audition go?

I didn't get it.

What? How could that be?

Did you stay in character?

Well, I made a kid cry.

Wonderful.

Yeah, my teacher said I scared her.

You mean Duke scared her.

Well, either way, I had to
go see a guidance counselor.

And the school nurse
because of my limp.

They said I'm the first person under

to get plantar fasciitis.

Oh, Jack, I'm sorry.

Oh, well, it's not all that bad.

This girl Katrina said
I looked “dangerous”.

Huh.

And guess who's taking
her to the dance.

You?

Yep.

The true reward every actor
looks for... chicks.

♪

Hey, Jer, you got a second?

Hey, what's shakin', Hammer?
Make another sale?

Not yet. Just, uh... Just
startin' the day, actually.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Well, get out there.

You're only, uh,

two away from winning that Vespa.

Oh, it's happening. [CHUCKLES]

You know, I read that you can
slap a fuel injector on it,

get her up to , .

Safe? No.

Fun? You betcha.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Would you stop talking
about the stupid Vespa?

Yeah, he's not focused.

But, you know, it is
interesting about the Vespa.

I did not know it could go that fast...

Rootger, I might need a little of this.

Actually, I wanted to
give you one of these.

You know, just a little
thank you for, uh,

allowing me to work in your
fine used-car establishment.

Wow, an Arturo Magnifico.

I'll only smoke one if
you'll have one with me.

Well, that's why I brought
myself another one.

[LAUGHS]

Jer, I wanted to pick your
brain on a couple things.

Ask you a few questions.
Kinda sensitive.

Well, anything you tell me stays here.

Appreciate that. I've been
dating this red-haired gal.

Lives in Jersey. Right
outside the Holland Tunnel.

You know, when you get
out of the tunnel,

there's that first quick exit?

Comes up really fast? Mm-hmm.

It's not that one. It's
the one, uh, after it.

He doesn't need to know

where your fake
girlfriend lives, dummy.

Anyway, she wants to get married,

but after I heard what
happened with your wife...

I just... I hope you
don't mind me asking,

but how do you hide money from your ex?

Don't mind your asking.

To be honest, it's smart.

- The first thing I did was...
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

I'm off the fence. I'm ready to buy.

Crap. What is Kyle doing there?!

No, he's there to buy some
car made out of meatballs.

Again, Rootger.

Kyle, I'm in the middle
of something right here.

Look, I-I can't play the game anymore.

I want the Meatball car.

[SCOFFS] I'm busy right now, okay?

Hold on a minute.

Did you just say you're interested

in buying the movie car?

Interested?

Would a man drain his entire (K)

if he was just “interested”?

[CHUCKLES] Hammer,
that's a special car.

That's why it counts as
you selling two vehicles.

You sell that, the Vespa's yours.

Really?

- Yeah.
- So, are we doing this, bro?

Absolutely.

Wow.

This is fantastic.

What are you... What
are you talking about?

Kyle, he got the Meatball car.

Whoa. What is this?

One of those fancy Mount Blanks?

♪

[CAR HORN BLARES]

Pull over!

No! Why can't you just
be happy for me?!

Okay, look, I'd like to
open today's team meeting

by saying I'm sorry.

I got carried away, and
I-I blew the case.

You didn't tell him?

Tell me what?

Oh. Take a look.

My ex is so clueless.

She has no idea I moved everything

into the Cayman account.

[CHUCKLES]

How'd you get that?

Well, your stupid brother,

uh, left your stupid
pen on Jerry's desk

after he bought his car,

and Jerry spilled everything.

Security questions, account numbers.

We got him.

Are you kidding?

That's amazing!

Wow! I guess Kyle's a lot
cooler than I thought.

Beautiful day, ladies.

But it's about to get cloudy...

with a chance of meatballs.