02x12 - The Might've Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

- Hey. Eggnog's ready.
- Oh.

I put some brandy in, not knowing Kendra

had already added some rum.

Bottom line, it's gonna be

a very merry Christmas.

I could go for a little nog

after setting up those lights.

Jack, you're too young.
It's only for us adults.

Ah! Nice try, Sara.

Come on, there's kid
eggnog in the fridge.

Let me get this straight.

You really didn't get me a gift?
You're kidding, right?

No. We said we weren't exchanging.

Yeah, but I thought we
were doing the thing where

we say we're not getting
gifts, but we do anyway.

Then you thought wrong.

Well, still, I got you one.

- I don't want it.
- It's a gift.

You got to take it.

- Says who?
- Says the rules.

Look, I-I got you one. Now I want mine.

Well, then take the one you were gonna

give me and give it to yourself.

No! I don't want golf balls!

By the way, I got you golf balls.

Hey, how we lookin' on
the lights, people?

We are good to go, Mr. Gable.

All right, Jackie boy, hit it.

- Hey, hey!
- Yeah!

There you go.

So, can we open our presents now?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow your roll, playa, all right?

You know the rule.
Every Christmas Eve...

We get one gift from Santa.

That's right, and I hand
them out. Let's do it.

So you're saying you're Santa?

No, I'm saying I'm the guy
in charge of handing out...

Do you want to play this game?

- I do not.
- Yeah.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come in!

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

I just wanted to drop a few
gifts off for the kids.

All right, well, take a seat.

Come on. Yeah, what can
we get you to drink?

You want an eggnog? A hot toddy?

What, do you have a hot toddy?

I don't. I-I just like saying it.

Hot toddy? Anybody for a hot toddy?

Anybody? Hot toddy? [LAUGHS]

I do it every year.
Every year, I toddy it up.

That's cute. No, I-I'm good.

I just want to get home
and get into my PJs.

Wait. What? But it's Christmas Eve.

Yeah. It's kind of my thing.

You know, I turn on my fake fireplace,

have some wine, karaoke Donna
Summer until I pass out.

All right, look, it's not up for
discussion. You're staying.

Chale, can you do me a favor?
Can you get her a nog?

- Come on.
- All right. Thank you.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Got you a little something.

Ah. What is this?

[CHUCKLES]

A box of doughnuts?

- Yeah, from the night we met.
- I'm confused.

Christmas Eve. Thank you. years ago.

Oh, that's why the doughnuts.

I still don't get it.

How do you not get it?

If I say I get it, can I just...
Can I eat the doughnuts?

I am talking about the
night we became partners.

I-I'm blanking. [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

We were rookies. We got
stuck working together.

I... Really?

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

Hey. How you doing? Vanessa Cellucci.

- Kevin Gable.
- Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Oh. Happens to all of us.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

Car . Uh, in service.

Sorry for the delay.
Was awaiting partner.

We're moving now. minutes late.

- Due to Cellucci.
- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

Ready to do this?

- Wow.
- [ENGINE STARTS]

One second.

[SIREN CHIRPING ERRATICALLY,
BUTTONS CLICKING]

What... [CLEARS THROAT]

What are you... What are you doing?

Just testing the equipment.
I like to give it a roundabout.

I'm pretty... I'm pretty sure it works.

I'll decide if and when she works.

[SIREN WAILING]

It works.

Thank you. I feel so much safer now.

- Sandwich?
- No, thanks.

Training. For the NFL.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you're serious.

Deadly.

So, that's your plan?

Professional football player?

That is the plan.

Epic -year career on the gridiron,

then circle it back to law enforcement.

FBI or... This stays in the car...

CIA.

This doesn't stay in the car...

You're outta your mind.

You know what? This engine is fueled

by other people's put-downs,
so just keep me gassed up.

- It's fine.
- All right.

Come on.

Um, what are you...

What are you doing?

Just these pagers.

Sometimes you got to move
'em around to get a signal.

Um, that's not how it works, but okay.

You know what? If you're gonna
keep staring at that thing

while you're behind the wheel,

you might as well let me drive.

Why would I do that?

Everybody already knows I'm

the best wheelman at the precinct.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that changes now.

'Cause I'm here.

Oh, right. Forgot, .

Women's lib.

Whatever you want to call it,

I'm just... I'm a better driver.

[SCOFFS] You're...
You're a better driver?

- I'm a better driver.
- Okay. [LAUGHING] Okay.

[IMITATES KEVIN] O-Okay.

[NORMAL VOICE]
All right, you know what?

We could just settle this right now.

- You want to do it now?
- Yeah, before the Jets call

and your big football career

takes off, of course. I mean...

Let's do this.

Wait, was he really that annoying?

I haven't even gotten to
the annoying part yet.

Please, it's called being a good cop.

Yeah, great story.

Can I have my present now?

Jack take it easy.

It's Christmas, I'm .

I wanna open something.

All right, here you guys go. Okay?

Now, please tell me you're
not doing that thing

where you give us a bad gift
and then the good gifts.

No, I'm not doing anything.

I'm just following Santa's instructions.

- Batteries?!
- I got the same thing.

Oh. I guess that's what
you guys got this year.

Enjoy it!

Dad, I hate this game.

Can we just go ahead
and get the good gift?

Okay, right there, see, that is the

poor attitude, because you know what?

You never know what those batteries

might be for!

Huh?

[PAPER TEARING]

A drone! What?!

Headphones! Thank you.

But these don't need batteries.

Classic fake-out.

Okay, back to the story.

I'm still confused. Where
do the doughnuts come in?

I am getting to that.

You ready?

Pfft. Born.

All right, - before we do this, what...

What is the deal with the pager?

It's a private matter, all right?

It doesn't pertain to you.

- It's a girl.
- I didn't say that.

You didn't have to. What's her name?

[SIGHS]

If you must know, her name's Nunya.

- Nunya?
- Nunya business.

Now get to driving.

All right, buckle up.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Slow down a little bit.
Getting a little...

Getting a little unsafe.

Pull up your skirt, Mary.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SQUEALING CONTINUES]

[BANGING ON WINDOW]

Okay. All right.

Okay, wait!

Slow down!

[SQUEALING CONTINUES]

[CHUCKLES]

Okay!

Biiiiiig finish!

No, no, no!

And... there.

You said something about my driving?

Oh, sounds like Ms. Vanessa

has some mad skills
behind the wheel, yo.

Sorry, I was trying out a new thing.

Wow, Dad. So she b*at you?

L-Look at me. You think
she's gonna b*at me?

Can you just drive already?

Gonna give you a little "Knight Rider"

with a splash of "Beverly Hills Cop II."

- Okay.
- By the way, how's it taste?

- How does what taste?
- Muh duuuuuust!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

And that's how it's done, son.

- Car's rolling.
- What's that?

Car... is... rolling.

[CRASH, GLASS SHATTERS]

You drove a cop car into a ditch?

No, what happened was
my driving was sick.

And then I got out of the car and, yeah,

I-it rolled into a ditch.
So that did... it happened.

All right, you know what?
Let's just, uh, keep in moving.

What do you say? Okay?

Uh, Kendra and Chale, here you go.

- Oh! Thank you.
- Huh?

Oh, batteries. I love it.

I wonder what these could go with.

Oh, no. You're doing it wrong.

It's supposed to be,
"Ooh, batteries! I love it.

"I wonder what these could go with."

Oh, what? A camera?

This is actually awesome.
Thank you, Dad.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, a power strip!

I wonder what I could plug into this.

Whatever you want, guy.

So, excuse me. Will there...

There will be a companion gift?

No. That's all Santa wanted you to have.

He knows you're into electronics

and pluggy things, so go crazy.

Oh.

Oh, uh, there is a surge protector,

so that's very thoughtful.

- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.

- All right. Come on.
- Dad.

- What? He's happy.
- Hold up.

So, Chale gets an awesome
power strip, and I get nothin'?

[SCOFFS] This is a joke.

Uh, okay, so what happened
with the car in the ditch?

Did Dad get in trouble?

Uh, well, you could say that.

Well, sir, currently
the car is un-driveable.

I don't know. You might have to talk

to Officer Gable about that.

Yes, he is. He is so that.

[LAUGHS]

He is so that.

Okay, thank you so much, sir.

They can't get to us for
another couple of hours.

Okay, w-what was all that about?
You sold me out?

Oh, yeah. You see how it feels?

"Uh, we're a minute late
because of Cellucci. Uh, ..."

All right. Fine. We're even, okay?

- All right.
- It doesn't matter anyway.

I called my brother. He's got
a truck with a winch on it.

He can pull us out of the ditch.

- How long?
- I don't know, about an hour.

Ugh. So, we're stuck here.

Let's see, I might do
a little moo shu pork.

That sounds good.
Or a little beef lo mein.

You know, maybe I'll get
insane in the lo mein.

Ooh.

Ooh, I didn't see you, number

with your spicy noodles
coming 'round the outside,

'round the outside.

- What are you gonna get?
- Soup.

Soup.

Oh, boy.

Okay, you know what? I have
spent about an hour with you,

and I-I pretty much understand
why she is not paging you.

I don't even know if they know
we're here. I'll be right back.

This guy is k*lling me.

Hey, sir, can we, uh, get a waitr...

I'm sorry, sir, it's $ . .

If you don't have it, you gotta go.

Well, you can take the won tons out.

How mu... How much... How
much then? How much then?

You know what? Do me a favor.

Um, you can just put that on our tab.

Oh, thank you very much.

Yeah, no problem. And, hey, here.

Have a merry Christmas, okay?

Can you get us a waitress
over there? Thanks.

Dad, that's so sweet you
helped that guy out.

Yeah, he gave him $ .

$ ? That's a weird amount.

Well, that's all he had on him.
He gave him every penny.

And that's when I realized that
your dad was a decent guy.

I mean, he's done a lot
of other stuff since then

to reverse that, but...

Yeah, kinda like now.

Why would you do that to Chale?

Oh, no, darling. I love this.

It... It has seven plugs.

That's like seven different gifts.

Mm-hmm.

Well, if you don't say
something, I will.

I don't want to ruin Christmas.

Okay, uh, Vanessa, we
have a homeless man,

$ , and a car in a ditch.

I'm all in. Let's go.

Where is this brother of yours?

Well, he's getting off of work.
He'll be here soon.

Oh, yeah. Fortune cookies.

[LAUGHS]

I wonder what my future holds.

Yeah. What does yours say?

"Always make sure your car is in park"?

Ha!

Come on, man. That's funny.

"All your fingers can't
be the same length."

What? I don't even know what that means.

All right, you know,
this one... this one is yours.

Okay.

Oh, my God, again with the pager?

- What is it with this girl?
- All right, look.

I met her last week at
Mulcahy's, all right?

We connected. I'm...

I'm waiting for her to call.

So call her.

I don't have her number.
She asked for mine.

Oh, boy.

But it's a good thing.

Yeah, no. No, it's not a good thing.

Okay, walk me through
the night that you met her.

All right, well, first off,
I walked up to the bar,

saw my buddy Scotty and
was like, "Wazaaaaaa."

And he was like, "Wazaaaaa."

I saw my buddy Gerard,
he was like, "Wazaaa..."

Okay. Okay, all right.

Not the... I don't need
the whole... the whole night.

Just get to the part where
you talked to her, please.

Okay, so I-I walk up to her...

- Yeah.
- ...and I thought about saying,

"Wazaaaa," but I didn't.

Good. Good call.

I decided right then I
was gonna just say,

"Y-You... You look nice."

And, uh, I-I bought her a drink.

- Okay.
- And then, uh, you know,

she asked me if I was seeing anybody.

And I said, "Uh, nobody serious."

- Oh, boy.
- What?

I wanted to let her know I
had other fish on the line.

Do you have other fish on the line?

I might. You never know.

Do you have other fish on the line?

- It depends on how you categorize...
- Okay.

Do you have other fish on the line?!

- Just answer the question!
- No! I don't.

I don't know why guys do this.

This never works.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but this girl is never
going to call you.

Like, ever.

This is the saddest
Christmas story ever.

No, you sitting there
with a power strip,

not speaking your mind is the

saddest Christmas story ever.

- You know what? I can't take it.
- No, no. Darling. Darling...

Dad, you need to understand something.

...darling, darling. Don't.
She's three eggnogs in.

No.

Everybody in the family gets

a bad gift and then a good gift.

Chale's in the family, and
all he got was a bad one.

Really? Well, maybe
you wanna look again.

Oh, he's right.

We may need to return this.

It's only for use in Europe.

Why would Santa give you something

you can only use in Europe? Weird.

I don't know. I-I just wish
none of this was happening.

Maybe because he's giving
you a trip... to Italy!

- What?
- Uh!

You're both going to the honeymoon

you never had in Rome, okay?

- Oh! Thank you, Dad!
- All right? Okay.

Ahh!

It's Christmas. Just make it fast.

All right, there you go. There you go.

Rome, huh? Fancy.

Hold on. Wait a second.
I just thought of something.

Mulcahy's? Didn't you
meet Mom at Mulcahy's?

I did.

So, she's the girl in the story?

Yep.

Oh, this story just got
mad interesting, yo.

I tried it again. I thought the
second time would save it.

It didn't. It doesn't work. It doesn't.

All right, you're good to go.

Hey, never doubt the power
of the Suzuki Samurai.

More than just a chick magnet.

Thanks! Now I'm gonna do you a favor.

Hey, dude, what are you...?

How'd you know that was a clip-on?

I didn't.

Wow. What's the deal
with this little filly?

Eh, a little thick on
the bottom. I'm diggin' it.

Kyle Gable. FDNY.

Vanessa Cellucci. NGH.

- NGH?
- Never gonna happen.

Wazaaa!

You know what? Car's been
in a ditch for a couple hours.

Probably should test the equipment,

- make sure it's operational.
- [SLAPS HAND]

Touch the sirens and
I cut your hand off.

I'm sure it's fine.

So this girl, you really like her, huh?

I don't know, just, uh,

something different about her.

I know it's gonna sound crazy,

but I just think she might...

She might be the one. I don't know.

Okay. And your plan to get her is what?

Sit back and wait for her to call you?

You know, when you say it like that,

it sounds kinda lame. Yeah, okay.

- What're you doing?
- Okay, we're here. Get out.

- We're where?
- Your girl's house.

You told me her name, so
I ran it through dispatch.

There were two. One was .

Now, I don't know your type, but I...

I took a guess and went
with the younger one.

Okay. So, this is the
part where you get out

- and you go up there.
- Yeah, I am. Okay? I am. I j...

I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna...

[CLEARS THROAT] Just gonna...

Hiyah. La la la la. Laaa.

Buy me a red leather yellow...

- Okay.
- Yeah, I'm... I'm gonna go, okay?

I'm just... You just got
to give me a second.

Yaaaa. Yaaaa.

You're not singing the National Anthem,

you're just going to talk to a girl.

- Now let's go.
- I'm going, okay?

Just, would you gimme a second, please?

Wow. You are scared.

I'm not... I'm not scared, okay?

There's a lot of pressure,
and I don't want to look bad.

Yeah, that's scared.

Now, come on. We drove all the way here.

One of us is leaving with
this girl's phone number.

And I guess it's gonna be me.

Where you go... Where you going?

Hey! Hey!

Put in a good word for me!

Okay, wait. So, if Vanessa
hadn't dragged you over there,

you and Mom would've
never gotten together?

Yes. Yes! Oh, my God.

So, all of this? You are welcome.

Oh, are you... are you
out of your mind? What?

No, I'm the one who got us together.

She just... She set the table.

- S-So what happened?
- All right, you're fine.

All you gotta do is go up there.

What... What'd you say?

- Well, I told her you were an idiot.
- What?

Uh, trust me, that was
not breaking news.

- Why would you say that?
- Okay, but then I told her

that underneath all that stupidity,

there's like... three
more layers of bad stuff,

but underneath all that,

there's actually a
decent guy under there,

and she should give you a sh*t.

You r... You really said that about me?

Yeah. And then we talked
about the night you guys met

and how you did this weird, crinkled

eyebrow thing with the muddle mouth.

I don't know what you're talking about.

- I don't even do that.
- She... kind of like it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's the one.

- That is. All right, well then I...
- There it is. I can see it.

Yeah. I knew it worked.

- Get up there. Get up there.
- All right, I'm going.

Hey. Cellucci, thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, and that muddle-face thing?

- Yeah.
- Like, small doses maybe.

I disagree.

I can't believe you forgot

everything Vanessa did for you.

Y-You're right. I totally forgot.

Or... did I?!

Stop. Come on.

"Vanessa, thanks for
being a great partner.

"And remember, all of your fingers

"can't be the same length. Kevin."

I also got you a gift card for
a mud-mask for your face.

Aww, guys, this is
actually really sweet.

All right, hold the phone.

Lest we forget, without
my Suzuki Samurai,

none of us would be here right now.

And once again, I've been overlooked.

Kyle, we made an agreement. We're not

exchanging gifts. It was your idea!

All right, well, I-I'm leaving
with something, okay?

Uh, these doughnuts right here?

Yeah, these are mine now.

Merry Christmas,
and to all a good night.

Peace out!

[CHRISTMAS BELLS JINGLE, DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR OPENS]

Vanessa, you're blocking me in.