02x18 - The Whole Enchilada

[bunniefuu]

Boom. When ya have it, boys.

Man, he b*at every one of us.

Actually, not everyone.

Oh, yeah? What's... What's...
What's that supposed to mean?

You haven't played me.

Ah, oh, it wouldn't be fair.
I'm from the homeland.

Competitive darts is, uh,
oozing out of my pores.

Really? Um...

there's not a sport on this
planet you can b*at me at.

All right? And I'll tell you what.

How about bucks, right now,

we play high score, three darts?

- Come on.
- Mr. Gable,

you can have your three darts.

I only need one.

[LAUGHING] Whoa!

- It just got real.
- Dude, he just called you out.

Ah, now, now, now, gentlemen,

it's just a friendly challenge.

I'll go first.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Side-arm.

- Whoa!
- Oh-ho!

[LAUGHTER] Oh!

I believe that's what you fellas
would call a "microphone drop."

All right, all right, fine, whatever.

You got a bull's-eye, all right?

points. I can b*at that easy.
I get three darts.

Oh, I anxiously await that.

- Come on, guy. Come on.
- Do it, Kev.

- Come on.
- I got this, man.

[SIGHS]

All right, 'cause you idiots
are in my peripheral vision.

- You got to step back.
- All right.

Does that even count, by the way?

- It shouldn't even count.
- We moved. Good luck. Come on.

- All right.
- You just need a, what?

A triple and you win.

All right, stop, okay? Here we go.

There we go. Ugh.

- Kid got in his head.
- Yep.

Well, t-that's . You just
need more with one dart.

I-I know what I got to do, okay?

- All right, come on. Come on.
- I'm doing it!

- Come on, try it side-arm.
- I'm doin' it side-arm!

American-style!

[SCREAMS]

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

Dingdong. Wendy's here.

Hey, how you doin'?

Good.

Always good when I'm cooking.
How are you?

Always good when I'm eating. [LAUGHS]

Means that we're both good.
What... What are we lookin' at?

Well, I'll give you a hint.

It rhymes with...

enchiladas.

- It's enchiladas.
- Okay.

I'm really bad at that.

Yeah, no, that's all right. No prob...

Hey, if they're as good as the
ones I had two weeks ago,

I am gonna be very, very happy.

They're better.

Last time I used a ground chuck.

This time...

Kobe beef. Wow.

I am gonna start calling you State Farm,

'cause you are a good neighbor.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Let me get in here and try this.

All right. Ooh. It's still warm.

So good.

- Mmm.
- [GIGGLES]

Oh, my God. Oh, man.

That's literally the best
thing I've ever had!

Great. Well, you keep enjoying it.

Oh!

Question.

What are we?

Oh, I know this one.

I just saw this on the,
uh, Discovery Channel.

We are like, it's like % water.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES] Right? I
mean, it seems crazy.

Doesn't... Doesn't seem
to make sense, right?

'Cause we... we'd be
like all over the place

and feel like, "Hey [MUMBLES]"

No, I mean what are we?

- Oh.
- Right.

Well, we're neighbors. We're...

Mm-hmm.

- ...friends.
- Yeah.

- W-Wendy, we had this talk.
- [SIGHS]

I mean, you love making the
food and I-I love eating it.

I-I-I don't know. Um...

We're happy.

I was happy,

but now I want more.

You want the whole enchilada? [LAUGHS]

I'm serious.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We're always saying we're gonna
do stuff, like see a movie.

But you always seem to have plans.

That is not true. Come on.

Okay, fine. Then let's see
a movie Friday night.

This Friday, I do have plans.

- Ugh.
- I... N-No, seriously.

It's a, uh... It's a work thing.

Uh, we have a dinner for
a small company awards.

You know, it's a local thing.

Okay. Then I can't do this.

You mean, you, uh... you can't do this?

I mean everything.

If you can't make time for me,

then I can't make time for your food.

I-I can make the time.

Great. When?

Uh... I'm pretty busy now,

but April... my April opens right up.

Today.

A matinee movie, you and me.

Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yay!

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.

I'm gonna go get changed right now.

Okay.

This is gonna be so much fun!

Hey, Kendra!

Did you just, uh, make
a date with Wendy?

Yeah.

Come on, Dad. You are unbelievable.

We've been through this.

Can't you see she's
controlling you with food?

Oh. Listen, I get it.

You... You don't want me to date.

What? No. No, no, no, no.
I want you to date.

Just not her.

Look, it's just a movie, all right?

It's not a big deal.

And, by the way, have
have you tried this?

Give that a sh*t.

You will understand what I'm saying.

- Holy crap.
- Yep.

That is literally the
best thing I've ever had.

I literally... I just said that.

I just, literally, just said that.

Dude, what are you still doing here?

Go get your movie pants on.

All right, I'm going.

♪

How great is this?

Yeah, it's good. It's good.

Mm.

Now, who's... who's the
lady in the sunglasses?

You know, it's... I don't know.

Really, it's kind of
hard to concentrate.

My neck's sweating.

Because it looks like the
girl from the beginning,

but that girl wasn't wearing sunglasses.

- I'm con...
- Shh.

- ...fused.
- Well, why don't we just...

watch it and just see how
things shake out, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do that.

Okay.

I never noticed it before,
but your ears are adorable.

They look like a cute
little question mark.

Shh.

They just need a dot on the bottom.
Boop.

Okay.

- [LAUGHS]
- Okay.

- [INHALES LOUDLY]
- Okay. Okay.

Ooh. Ooh, I think we're
about to find out the...

Who the k*ller might be here.

Don't worry. It's not him.

It's the brother. I read it online.

♪

You went to the movies with her?

Yes, it was a mess.

First of all, she wouldn't
shut up the whole time,

she was very clingy, and she
had bad grandma perfume on.

Oh, no. It was the worst date ever.

But this is incredible.

- Oh, my God. Kevin.
- ROOTGER: Hey, guys.

Just a heads up, I got us
some more toilet paper.

So, uh, we're good to go.

W-What are you doing? We got
like rolls back there.

I'm sorry.

I grew up very poor, and oftentimes,

we couldn't afford toilet paper.

So I guess it's the child in me

feeling secure knowing we have it.

Oh, Rootger, that's heartbreaking.

- Thank you for understanding.
- Of course.

Actually, that's a complete lie.

I love Amazon Prime.

I mean, you click a button,
it's there in an hour.

I... I can't stop.

Send it back, okay?

If I only knew how.

All right, so, back to Wendy.

You are gonna march over there

and you are gonna end this thing today.

- I don't think I can do that.
- And why is that?

- Okay, do me a favor. Try that.
- Okay.

- Try it.
- It's... Forget it. Okay.

Oh, my...

We have a problem.

Yep.

- Right? I'm stuck.
- No, you are not stuck.

No. No.

Yesterday, it was a movie.

Tomorrow, it's gonna be, "How did
she get you down the aisle?"

We are ending this today.

A true nightmare that would be, right?

Though, can you imagine the
food at the reception?

- It would be ridiculous!
- Okay.

- It'd be the best food ever.
- No, stop. Stop.

We're focusing. We're
gonna end this right now.

Actually, we're gonna do it right now.
Let's go. Let's go.

- Oh, come on.
- Nope. Let's go.

Will you...

Grab the enchiladas, though.

Grab 'em. Yep.

♪

WENDY: Well, this is a nice surprise.

I didn't think I was gonna
be getting a visitor today.

Yeah, um, Wendy, I just think
we probably need to talk.

Yeah, okay.

You want me to whip
something up for lunch?

Uh, no. I'm not here for that.

Why? W-What're you thinking?

Okay. I was just gonna start making

those, uh, Swedish meatballs you wanted.

The ones we've been talking
about for the last month?

Yeah, all the spices just
arrived from Sweden,

so those are in the works.

In the meantime, I do
have some buttery-toasted

black forest ham and cheese sliders.

[HOARSELY] Go get 'em.

- [SIGHS] Hey.
- Hey.

- Good to go?
- Oh, yeah.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- Ah.

[EXHALES SLOWLY]

I gotta tell you, I'm
really proud of you.

You took care of business. TCB.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

[EXHALES SLOWLY]

But, um...

what took you so long?

[MUMBLES]

You ate?

She made me ham
and cheese sliders,

- okay?
- Oh, my God.

I was gonna save you one, but...

I ate it on the way to the car.

Did you even break up with her?

No.

In fact, I invited her to
the banquet on Friday.

You disgust me.

I'm so weak.

I mean, I-I can't believe you!

You go in there to break up
with Wendy, and what do you do?

You get into even deeper trouble.

You want something done right...

you gotta do it yourself.

- Hold on!
- [TIRES SQUEAL]

[THUD]

How'd it go?

It's done.

You didn't hurt her, did you?

No, I didn't hurt her.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- I just explained to her

that I've known you for years,

and you are incapable of change.

- [SIGHS]
- And no matter what she cooks,

she is never gonna get
you to commit to her.

She got it. We're good.

Could you pull over?

No. No, I can't. We are not going back.

No, I think I gotta throw up.

♪

Oh, and by the way,

the Islanders are playing
the Rangers on Saturday.

Should we get some tickets?

I'm in.

Uh, no can do for me. I'm,
uh... I'm busy all day.

I got to go in for a sleep study.

What?

Yeah, I got to spend
the night in a clinic

so they can find out
if I have sleep apnea.

You don't want to mess with that.

That's a match you do not touch.

Hey, guy, you up for the Islanders?

Kev?

Wendy used to make, um...

She made the taco meat, a pile of it,

with... with the chopped
onions and the... and the...

And the peppers and... and garlic.

Wait, wait. Wouldn't that be
all loose and falling apart?

You'd think so. But here's the kicker.

She wraps it in bacon,
like a safety harness.

Ooh.

- You really gotta stop.
- I can't.

I thought you were getting through this.

I was, all right? For the first
few days, I had leftovers.

I was able to... wean myself off.

Like a nicotine patch with meat.

Very good, Mott, yes.

Ohh. I miss her.

Am I nervous about it? Yeah.

I mean, they put those little
sticky things on your chest.

That's never for good reasons.

Okay, you know, the thing
is, you don't miss Wendy,

you miss her food.

Okay? Now I will cook for you.
How about that?

- What?
- Yeah, that's right. I can cook.

I will make you the best Swedish
meatballs you ever had.

I'll come over tonight and do it.

I mean, and you... you don't
make 'em too big, right?

- I don't make them too big.
- Because you gotta make 'em

- the right size.
- I know what the...

- I don't need your notes.
- Okay.

- Y-You would do that for me?
- I would do that for you.

Once again, folks, sleep apnea.

I teeter between life and death.

But let's keep talking about meatballs.

What's the sauce like?

♪

You know what?

Actually smells really good in here.

You see? I told you.

Oh, and, by the way,

I found a bunch of my
grandmother's recipes,

all these great things
that I can make for you

to help you kick the Wendy habit.

I like it. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, ziti? Linguini
with white clam sauce?

Well, this... this all looks amazing.

I know. And you know
what else is amazing?

My Swedish meatballs.

- Ooh.
- Try one.

Hey, thank you for taking
the time to do this.

I really do appreciate it.

You're welcome, honey. I
love to see you happy.

Okay.

It tastes like a cat peed
on an old cheeseburger.

Oh, stop. It does not.

Stop!

♪ Watch the food go round and round ♪

♪ Waiting for this thing to beep ♪

- [MICROWAVE BEEPS]
- [LAUGHS]

What are you doing?

Oh, hi. I was singing
the microwave song.

Didn't realize anyone was here.

That food.

That Wendy's?

I don't know.

Don't lie to me. I recognize the dish.

I put the chip in that
handle, right there.

Fine. It's Wendy's. She's
been cooking for me.

So, what's the big woof?

The "big woof" is, she was
cooking for me first.

And, by the way, don't
you have a girlfriend?

What about Floor? How's
she feel about all that?

Well, when it comes to food,
we have an open relationship.

Actually, right now, she's
having sushi with a Frenchman.

Pbht. I don't care.

Don't you just have it all?

I guess I have.

I'm #blessed.

You... You know what? I'm... I'm sorry.

It's all good. You just enjoy it.

Do me a favor, though, please.

Treat her well, okay? She's good people.

I will, thanks.

Oh, and, by the way,

I don't want you to find
this out on the street.

I'm meeting her at the banquet dinner.

She's my plus one.

Oh. Happy for you.

Well, you'll be there.
No, I won't be, okay?

I'm not going. It's too painful.

But you were my ride,

so now I'm gonna have to
figure something else out?

Yeah. Go with Wendy.

I already told you,
she's meeting me there.

Well, then, call Vanessa.

She can't. She's getting her nails done.

- Get an Uber!
- I don't have the app.

- Download it!
- I don't know how to.

Figure it out!

♪

Hey, bud.

Hey.

Hey, uh, listen,

your dad went through a
lot the last couple days.

Just got some crazy stuff going on.

And nothin' to be worried about.
I'm gonna be fine.

Um, I was thinking maybe
tonight, uh, I don't know,

you'd like to sit on the couch
and watch a little TV with me?

No, I'm good.

Hey. How you holding up?

Okay, I guess. I just...

[SIGHS]

Well, I was thinking about
it, Dad, and you know what?

I'm... I'm really glad that
you're not going to the banquet.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, you don't need that.

First, she was cooking for you,

and then she was cooking for Rootger?

I mean, that's just weird.

She doesn't deserve you.

Look, I know it's tough, but
you gotta stay strong, okay?

Let's just kick back, watch a
movie, and have a eat night.

Love that.

Yeah, we're not even
gonna think about Wendy.

- About who?
- Exactly.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm. You know how I know you
made the right decision?

These Swedish meatballs Wendy made?

Swing and a miss.

No, those are Vanessa's.

I heard Wendy's were off the charts.

Run to her.

I'm comin', baby!

♪

We get one night out a month,

and we gotta go to a work thing?

Look around. It's fancy.

It's ballroom at a
Massapequa motor lodge.

Still, very tastefully done.

Hey, man, the only reason
I didn't bring Didi

is 'cause we said we
weren't bringing wives.

I appreciate that, dawg.

And look at these stale
supermarket rolls.

Oh, don't worry. I brought my own.

Of course, she did.

These are amazing.

Rustic sourdough.

- Thank you!
- Mm-hmm.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Wendy. Heads up.

She's the reason why Kevin's not here.

She's the Yoko of Monkey Fist.

Ahh.

KEVIN: Excuse me. Excuse me.

- [THUD]
- What?

- Wendy.
- What are you doing here?

I just need to talk to
you for a second, okay?

Now hear me out, please.

- It's too late.
- It's never too late.

Kevin, I am literally
begging you to stop.

No, I gotta... I gotta do this.

Now you answer me this.

Can he do what I do?

Does Rootger eat your food
the way that I eat it?

It's... different.

Let me ask you this.

When he returns a-a casserole pan,

is it empty, or is there a
little food left in it?

Maybe a little, I don't know.
Well, I do.

I got pounds on him!

He, or nobody else... you, either...

Will eat the way I eat!

Now, you look me in the eye...

If you tell me you're happy,
I promise you, I'll...

I'll walk out that door and
you'll never see me again.

I'm happy.

[SCOFFS]

Okay.

There it is. Sorry.

I'm happy cooking for you.

Swedish meatballs?

Swedish meatballs. Let's go!

And then after, we can see a movie?

- Not even close!
- Okay!

Man.

This is literally the best
roll I ever had in my life.

I'm glad we put the
Wendy thing behind us.

Yeah.

And we both agree not
to eat her food, right?

- Hear, hear.
- All right. [CHUCKLES]

See, now, this is what
I'm talking about.

Two guys seeing a movie,
no one bugging us.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Mm.

- Oh, here we go.
- All right.

♪

Now, who's the guy with the beard?

- He was in something else.
- Shh.

Keep it down, man.

I don't know. We'll find out.

Ooh! I had a car like that,

but it had bigger rims than that one.

- Okay, Rootger.
- Really nice light blue.

Rootger, no one gives a crap. Shh.

We got to watch. Come on, man.

I never noticed this before, but, uh,

your ear looks like a question mark.

- You know, it's like...
- What?

- All it needs is a little bit of a...
- Shh!

Y-You touch me, I swear, I will
try to b*at the crap out of you.