02x21 - The Smoking Bun

[bunniefuu]

[MACHINE WHIRS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

My feet are so happy right now.

Remember that guy who
stiffed me on my tip today?

- 'Cause I don't.
- [CHUCKLES]

I do feel a tad guilty buying this

since we haven't paid your dad
any of the money for rent.

Yeah, I felt guilty, too.

But then this puppy kicked
in, and da guilt be gone.

Okay, my turn. Come on, feet out.

- All right.
- [MACHINE BEEPS]

Okay, here we go.

And... Oh, Queen Mother.

Oh, that's delightful.

Oh, oh, we deserve this,

and I don't care who knows about it.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING, KEYS JOSTLE]

- [GASPS] That's my dad.
- Except for him.

Help... hel... help me...

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- What's happening?

[CLEARS THROAT]

What's going on?

[STAMMERS]

Kendra bought a foot
massager with the money

we were supposed to give you for rent.

And then when she heard you
coming through the door,

she said that she was gonna blame me.

Seriously?

You sit there and complain about
your dry little, British feet,

and then you throw me under the bus?

Get up. Get up. Let me see it.

Get out of here. What is this? [BEEPS]

Oh! All right.

The Zeon-Pro ...

Very familiar with this guy right here.

We already met at a Sharper Image.

I was halfway through my program,

and the manager was
like, “You know what?

You want to keep it down, sir,

because you're disturbing all the”...

[YELLING] Tha-a-at's it!

Mm!

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, yeah.

Oh, that feels so good.

I'll tell you what, I am keeping this.

We're even on the rent.

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Oh.

Uh, actually, Mr. Gable,
the rent is only $ .

The massager is $ .

Yeah, that's for a new one.

This baby was used.

All right. Yep. That's great.

[GROANS]

Yes! Sweet Atlanta peaches!

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

MOTT: I can't believe those
people are at our table.

Right? Look at 'em all
comfortable and spread out.

They disgust me.

[EXHALES] I just heard
the craziest rumor.

You know Didi's cousin Laura?

Yeah, the one that's
shaped like a kettle bell?

No, that's Didi's sister.

Point is, she heard a rumor
that Enzo's is up for sale.

What? No. I'm telling you...

You remember the last
time Didi heard a rumor?

She thought Kyle was
dating a super model.

- A super market mol.
- All right.

Man, if Enzo sells the place,
where am I gonna go every day?

Will you relax?

He would never sell the
place without telling us.

- Enzo!
- Yeah, what's up?

Look, we heard a rumor you
might be selling the place.

- Oh, that's just a rumor.
- See, what'd I tell you?

I'm definitely selling the place.

- What?
- Well, that's it?

You're leaving us, just like that?

Yeah, come on. What are you doing?

- We're like family.
- Family?

Name one personal thing
you know about me.

Are you... First of all,
you have a beautiful wife,

and you got, like, three, four
What is it, five kids?

Divorced twice, no children.

So why are you selling the place?

You got nothing else going on.
[CHUCKLES]

Look, I'm going to Florida.

My cholesterol's not great,
stress is through the roof.

Doctor said I need to change my life.

You know, h-hear me out on this.

I'm thinking recumbent bike.

- Oh, I heard those are nice.
- Right?

You lay back, you feel
like you're working out,

the thing's moving, it's good.

Look, I appreciate what you
guys are trying to do,

but doctor said I'm at
high risk of stroke.

Get some gel insoles.

[STAMMERS] They will
change your life, right?

MOTT: They're nice. Yes.

I still can't believe
this whole Enzo's thing.

What... what a gut punch.

I mean, he was cold as ice.
He was like an assassin.

Why would he want to do that?

You mean taking over
his family's business,

building it up to the point
where he can retire to Florida?

Yeah, it just feels selfish.

Why is this a problem?

There's a million pizza
places on Long Island.

Just find another one to get fat in.

- Hey!
- Whoa!

Ho!

Oh, I'm sorry, was this breaking news?

It's just Enzo's is
our spot, all right?

Now if they got new people
coming to take it over,

- it's gonna ruin it.
- Well, you don't know that.

Maybe the new owners will
put some money into it.

You guys are always complaining
about how cheap Enzo is.

He is. Ple... There's
never enough napkins,

he under-cheeses the pizza,

there's the cracked
urinal in the bathroom.

Hoo-ooh. I don't even go in there

if I'm wearing my Jordan 's.

What about the big TV he promised us?

It's been “On orde”" since .

Look, you guys are in there every day.

You... You're the regulars.

I'm sure the new owners
want to hear from you.

She's right. You know what it is?

We... we are the power base.

We should put a list of
our demands together

and put the squeeze on the new owners,

just let them know how it's gonna be.

- Ah, I like it!
- Great.

Okay. Do me a favor... write
this down, make a list.

Oh, okay. This should
be a real think t*nk.

All right, the first thing
we should think about

is job security for Kendra and Chale.

That's important. All right?
Just get that. Okay.

A new freezer so the beer
mugs are all nice and frosty.

- I like that!
- Mmm, nice.

Oh, and... an... And
also, a sugar dispenser

where the hole's in the
top, and it's like a jar...

You pour it out, so I don't
got to sit there opening,

like, eight packets of sugar.

Like... like I got time for that.

Right, or, here's an idea,

you could just cut down on the sugar.

- Oh!
- Hey!

These are warm. These guys have money.

By the way, thanks again for coming.

Yeah, well, you lied and
said we were going to lunch.

We are after this. Relax, okay?

Ready?

Okay, what do you got going on there?

It's called a power move.

Okay, I throw these things on

and two things happen immediately.

Number one, I become the
smartest guy in the room.

Number two...

see mber one.

Couldn't think of number two, could ya?

I ha... I have one.

I have one, just give me a second.

Hi. Mr. Alviti will see you now.

- Oh, okay, thank you so much.
- Great. Thank you.

I got number two.

It's still the same thing
see number one.

How ya doing? John Alviti.

KEVIN: Hey, thanks for seeing us.

VANESSA: Hi. Hello.

So, I understand you have a proposition

regarding Enzo's Pizzeria.

I do, uh, but first let
me ask you this...

The most important ingredient to
any successful business is what?

Marketable product.

And...?

Working capital.

And...?

W-Why don't you just tell me,

'cause I-I feel like this
is gonna go on for a while.

Okay.

The answer is core clientele.

You know, it's the regular
people, t-the little guy.

And, in this scenario,
you're the little guy?

I am, I am. Uh, you know...

And to be blunt, without us,
uh, there is no Enzo's.

So I think it's in
your best interest...

Wait a minute. I'm sorry.
You look familiar.

Did you go to Camp Apollo?

I did.

Vanessa.

Used to be Cellucci?

- Still is.
- Ouch.

Didn't you b*at up Doug Morrison?

Yeah, well, he snapped my bra,
so I knocked his tooth out.

Hey, crazy twist... Uh, the
next summer we started dating.

- [LAUGHS]
- Okay.

Anyway, I basically represent

the power base at Enzo's, you know?

So, look, do I hold my
hand over the red button?

I do. You know, am I
ready to press that?

Not really, if you meet our demands.

Let's review them, if
you don't mind, okay?

[CLEARS THROAT]

First on the list is basically

just a pinball machine, you know?

And one with the flippers on
the bottom and also the top,

'cause you can get some
with just the flippers

on the bottom... not as fun.

And also with the little trap doors,

you know, where the
ball can just disappear

and you can panic for a second?
You're like,

“Oh, I think I”... And...

[IMITATES PINBALL MACHINE RINGING]

- Okay, we got it.
- It comes back up.

- We got it.
- Okay.

Yeah, we got it. Nice one, nice one.

Also, here's what I'm thinking...

- Say no more.
- Oh.

I think I'm good.

You know, I was torn
between keeping Enzo's

or tearing it down to
build a parking lot.

Wow.

I'm going parking lot.

Man, if I kept Enzo's,

I'd have to deal with
people like you every day.

I can't tell you how much you annoy me.

I-I annoy you?

Look, your demands and how you sit

and how the sweat rolls down your brow

into the crease of your fat neck...

Are we, uh, still negotiating, or...

It feels like it kind of
took a personal turn there.

Wait, so they're just gonna
tear the place down?

What exactly did you say
to this Alviti guy?

Nothing. I just went in there,

I told him we wanted a pinball machine,

and... and the guy just...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Pinball machine? [SCOFFS]
We didn't authorize that.

Yeah. I think thinking on my feet.

Yeah, okay, it's called free-forming.

You should've stuck to the list.

It's fine. It didn't
matter anyway, all right?

I knew what I was doing.
I went in there,

I was dressed sharp, I
had the half-glasses.

Ooh, those always make you look smart.

They do. But they had no effect, okay?

The guy had his mind made up
before we even got there.

I can't believe it.

This place has been here
longer than we've been alive.

True. Sign outside says,
“Established .”

- Yeah.
- How many years is that?

- Uh... uh...
- Well, six plus seven...

Six plus seven? You don't do by...

You add to the to make it

so it gives you an even number.

Siri, what's what minus ?

Of course... you add up,

- and then you take it away afterwards.
- Wait, I got... I got .

- Why would you even do that?
- years.

- Okay...
- years, idiots!

Nice job, okay?

You ruined it. I had it, but...

- You had it? Yeah.
- [GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

Whoa, whoa, wait.

That means that Enzo's might
qualify for historic status.

What... what is that?

It means that they can't tear it down.

I mean, you couldn't
even paint the place

without getting approval from the town.

Well, that... That's perfect.

W-What would be the next step?

We just have to petition the town

to have it designated
a historic landmark.

Then that's what we're gonna do.
Perfect.

- We're done. Boom!
- Yeah.

Siri says years... technology.

♪

Oh, God.

You're sticking with the glasses, huh?

Absolutely. I can handle this, okay?

- [GAVEL BANGS]
- Next on the docket...

A motion to grant Enzo's
Pizzeria historic status.

Show time.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Good morning, everybody.

My name is Kevin Gable.

I am a retired police
officer in Nassau County.

Your Honor, with your
permission, I would like to...

Sir, I'm not a judge.

You don't need to refer
to me as “Your Honor.”

Duly noted. [STAMMERS]

You know what it is? The
the hammer thing.

Kind of... I saw that, you
smacked it, and it threw me.

Uh...

Dad, just stick to your notes.

[BABBLES QUIETLY]

[CLEARS THROAT] Okay.

I'd, uh, now like to
call, uh, attention

to Massapequa code , Section B,

which states, to wit per se,

“In the case of places
deemed historic”...

Mr. Gable, we wrote the code.

You really don't need to read it to us.

Again, duly noted, Your Honor.

Again, not a judge.

Duly...

Duly noted again on that
one... top of the dulys.

Do you have any information

that might actually support your case?

Yes. I, uh...

Your notes are in your folder.

[STAMMERS]

Mr. Gable, perhaps you should come back

when you have your things in order...

No, one sec... Hey, please
hold on a second, please...

I... You know what it is?

I-I'm gonna be honest, I'm not
very good at the official stuff,

uh, and I'm taking these
off, 'cause these things...

Uh, they're making me nauseous.

I'm sorry. I tried... I
bought a higher number,

'cause I thought they'd
make you see clearer,

but it actually works
the opposite ways.

- You... You start to...
- Put it down.

Um [CLEARS THROAT] here's how it goes.

Uh [EXHALES] I'm gonna be honest...

Enzo's is not just a building to us

or to anybody who... who
lives in Massapequa.

They know that.

It's... it's a part of our lives.

My... my... my buddy Mott,
he... he met his wife there.

And, uh, all our kids,

they've had their Communion parties

and Baptisms and sweet sixteens,

and my daughter and son-in-law...

They... they [SIGHS]
they work at Enzo's.

He's a... He's the manager now.

You're the manager. You're the manager.

Yeah, he is. You should hug yourself.

The... the truth is we've had

some of the best times
of our lives at Enzo's,

and... you know, also some of [SIGHS]

some of the worst. Um...

One of the darkest days
of my life I, uh...

I got to be honest, I...

I didn't know if I was
gonna pull through or not.

It was, uh... um...

The World Series when
the Yanks b*at the Mets.

It was, uh...

The Yanks won it. I mean, it was clear.
It was...

It's so hard, because, you
know, it's Subway Series,

and what are the chances
of them having...

Everything's got to match up
again for us to get anther sh*t,

you know, to get back at them.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] I don't know.
[STAMMERS]

I guess the point is if
you tear Enzo's down,

you're tearing down a
part of all of us.

Full disclosure, my husband and I

were also at Enzo's the
night the Mets lost.

Still hurts.

Yeah, it does.

Well, you know...

there really is a lot of history...

- Yes.
- In that place,

and, I guess we could...

I'm sorry, the board has decided

that there isn't enough evidence

to declare Enzo's a historic landmark.

- [INDISTINCT MURMURING]
- Meeting adjourned.

No! What... what just happened?

We lost.

Uh, excuse me, Y-Your Honor, please...

Not a judge!

Duly noted.

I had that lady eating out of my hand,

and Alviti walks in,
and, bam, she caves.

I'm telling ya, I-I think
he's got something on her.

Yeah, or he paid her off.

Either way, we don't have any proof.

Unless you have a British tech-wiz

snooping through city records.

Ooh, I like it. What do you got?

When I cross referenced Mr.
Alviti's name

with members of the board,

turns out he made a $ , donation

three days before our hearing.

- That's a bribe.
- Bingo. You know what that is?

It's also our smoking bun.

What?

Our smoking bun.

We got... We got him over the coals.

Okay. Did you just say “Smoking bun”?

Yeah.

No, you're just gonna
want to let this go.

No, I... No, I can't let it go.

You do know it's smoking g*n, right?

- No, it's smoking bun, okay?
- Oh...

They left the bun in the oven too long,

it started smoking,

the people in the house were alerted

that something was wrong,

hence the saying, the smoking bun.

Sorry. Oi.

Dummy, it is smoking g*n.

You pull the trigger and smoke
comes out of the barrel.

- Okay, that makes zero sense.
- Oh!

All right, Chale, do me a favor.
Let her have it.

Mr. Gable, I'd rather not get involved.

[STAMMERS] Don't you worry
about hurting her feelings.

Tell her, man. She...

I'd prefer it if I were
sidelined for this.

Oh, okay. Okay, Chale, you know what?

I'm off of you. Kendra,
please, take her to school.

I'm out.

Will you just say it please?

- No, I can't. I won't.
- Okay, Chale, back on you.

I just don't want to be here.

Well, you don't have to be here.
Just tell her the tr...

Then it is g*n!

Of course it's g*n.

For anyone to think for even
a second that it would be

anything other than a smoking
g*n is completely asinine.

Doesn't matter anyway. Let's
just get going, all right?

I'm sorry, Mr. Alviti...
I tried to stop them.

- Okay.
- And he ate all the cookies.

Boy, she is full of lies, this one.

It's o...

It's okay. What's up, guys?

What can I do for you?

What's up? We'll tell you what's up.

We saw you at the board meeting.

And?

And we saw that you gave

a little bribe-arooski
to the judge lady.

You didn't think we saw
it, but we saw it.

Boom.

And there's your smoking bun.

You mean smoking g*n.

Bun, g*n, both are acceptable.

So, you found out I
made a legal donation.

Uh, nope. It's a bribe.

Look a little closer, 'cause
you're going down, amigo.

Actually, amigo, I donate every year.

They use the money to maintain

historical buildings in the city.

I also donate to a church that
works with underprivileged kids.

I have a plaque right
there for that “bribe.”

Sisters of the Bronx.

They're a good bunch.
I-I've heard of 'em.

Looks like you brought
a bun to a gunfight.

So, it'll be really great

if I never see you
guys ever again, okay?

Understood. I think we lost this one.

Okay. All right.

You know what? We were gonna be polite,

but you are looking at
two retired cops, okay?

We investigate stuff for a living,

and we gonna dig until
we find something.

And when we do, we're
gonna drag you to court.

Boy, you guys just don't quit, do you?

No, we do not.

We are like those gnats

that buzz around your head at a picnic.

Yep, we're just gonna keep
buzzing around in your ear.

[IMITATES INSECTS BUZZING]

All right, okay, okay, I-I'm impressed.

I didn't expect this from someone

who wore sweat pants to
a City Council meeting.

They're called Stretch-E-Slacks, okay?

Stretch-E-Slacks. The
“E” is for “energy.”

He doesn't want to
know about your pants.

Energy. He asked.

All right, all right,
guys, look, look, look...

Maybe... maybe we can
work something out.

You do security, don't you?

We own our own security
company, yeah. Why?

Well, company has six parking lots,

and the current security is
not working out so well,

so you agree not to
buzz-z-z around in my ear,

and I will, uh, maybe
consider hiring you guys.

Not interested.

Gig's worth G's.

- Interesting.
- Yeah.

Just give us... Give us a second.

- Yeah.
- We're gonna discuss...

Take your time.

Thank you so much.

Did he say $ , ?

Shh! [STAMMERS]

Come on... body language.

Don't look too excited.

Actually, look more casual
like you don't care,

- just like...
- Oh.

That money would put
Monkey Fist on the map.

Okay, yeah, but we're trying
to keep Enzo's on the map.

I will burn it to the
ground for this contract.

- Okay, take it easy.
- To. The. Ground.

Hey, guys.

I heard every word. You're super loud.

So, we got a deal?

Y-You know what it is? We're just...

We're worried about Enzo's.

Come on, we'll work something out.

- Hmm.
- What you have is my word,

and it's stronger than oak.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- http://www.addic ed.com -

All right.

Well, Enzo's is saved, and
so are both your jobs.

You're welcome.

[LAUGHTER]

W-W-What is all this?

It's a signed contract
with Alviti's company.

What? You got that so fast.

Yes, not only is gonna
keep Enzo's as-is,

but we also got a security
contract out of it.

- Mama gon' be rich.
- Yep.

Well, what did you guys do?

Well, we told him we were gonna
investigate the crap out of him,

and then he just folded
like a house of cards.

- Yep.
- So you bluffed him.

- Yes!
- Yes, yes, and you know why?

Because I remember at camp he
used to pick on Tommy McDonough

until Tommy told him that
his dad knew Chuck Norris,

and then he just stopped.

- That is awesome.
- Yeah.

Did you meet him?

What?

Did you get to meet Chuck?

Nope.

They were bluffing...

- Oh.
- Just like we did today.

- I got you.
- You... you think? Okay, cool.

So, Tommy's father, he...
He's the one who knew Chuck?

No.

Tommy's father the one
who knew Chuck Norris?

Okay, nobody...

Nobody knew Chuck Norris.

The dad didn't know Chuck Norris...

Then what are you dropping
Chuck Norris' name

- if nobody knew him?
- Okay, because...

- I'm not dropping the name!
- Guys, guys!

Did either one of you
actually read any of this?

I read the part about us
getting fat stacks of cash.

Yeah, we did. [LAUGHS]

So he made you employees

in order to give you the security deal?

Yes, yes, we are working for him now.

'Cause it says here, “As employees,

the undersigned waive all
rights to any future litigation

against said company into perpetuity.”

A.K.A. fat stacks of cash.

Actually, now... now that
you say that out loud,

it sounds kind of bad.

Yeah, it means that if Alviti
wants to tear down Enzo's,

- you guys can't doanything about it.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

He looked me right in the eye,
I'm telling you, and he said,

“What you have is my word,
and it's stronger than oak.”

Oh, dear.

That's a line from the
movie “Jerry Maguire.”

Jerry thinks he's representing
Cushman the quarterback,

but then Beau Bridges' character,

who shakes his hand and says
“My word is stronger than oak"

actually screws him over...

Pretty much destroys his life.

Man, I wish I would've seen that movie.

I've seen it times.