04x02 - Revamped

[bunniefuu]

I've lost the scent. Which way?

This way.

Are you sure you want to do this? It could be dangerous.

Vampires down here don't play by the rules.

They will when I'm finished with them.

- How can they live like this?
- They've got nowhere else to go.

Sometimes immortality just gives you more time to fail.

Nice of you to join us.

Hope you like what we've done with the place.

You made a big mistake at the football match.

Oh, tell me about it. I should have headed Ryan's cross

instead of going for the volley. Sorry, man.

You bit your way through half the slayer team.

Oh, that mistake?

The Slayers' Guild have given us hours to stop attacking breathers,

otherwise the ceasefire is over.

Does this mean they don't want a rematch?

OTHERS LAUGH

I'm starting a new training course at Garside.

We'll teach you the skills you need to rebuild your lives.

We'll help you make the switch from biting breathers to using blood bags.

You'll learn how to become part of society again, have jobs,

nice homes, be trusted, respected, admired,

not scratching a living down here with the rats.

I can revamp you.

Now who's with me?

VLAD CLAPS

STOPS CLAPPING Revamp you? Really?

I thought it was catchy.

Obviously not everyone agrees.

Sorry, Vlad.

We tried to play ball, but it's just not our game.

Bloodsports, that's more our thing.

Times have changed. There's new way to live.

Yeah, and an old way to die.

- That went well.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
- Mmm.

- Trouble?
- I'm going to help Vlad bring in the street fangs.

- Stand down.
- You what?
- They're out of control.

In hours, the ceasefire will be over and we'll be at w*r again.

- You want him to fail.
- No.

But I do think it's fitting that the deadline expires on Halloween night.

- He'll meet the deadline.
- We can hope for the best.

But we must prepare for the worst. I need you to do a weapons check.

- I'm going to help my friend and you can't stop me.
- Yes, I can.

Can we please dust them all and go home now?

v*olence won't get us anywhere.

Seems to be working quite well for them.

ALL GASP

It's revamp, or rest in peace.

A wise choice.

THEY SNARL

Forgive me for saying this, but...

The Chosen One has lost his way.

We need to nudge him back on course.

What's the saying? Oh, oh.

Old age and trickery will always overcome youth and ambition.

Ah.

What did you have in mind?

If Vlad doesn't b*at the deadline,

the slayers will break off the ceasefire and life returns to normal.

Vampires and slayers... at each other's throats.

And this time we'll wipe out the Guild once and for all.

Nothing will stand in our way. We will own the night.

All we have to do is ensure that Vlad's little revamp project

fails spectacularly.

BOTH LAUGH

- Of course, it would be better if we didn't get our own hands dirty.
- Ah.

Never do a job yourself

- when you've got a daughter who can do it for you.
- Ah.
- Ah!

DOOR OPENS

- You wanted to see me?
- We would like your opinion on something.
- Why?

- You've never asked for it before.
- We'd like a woman's perspective.

Someone who's intelligent.

- Refined.
- Selfish.
- Unscrupulous.

You're plotting something and you want me to do your dirty work.

- She's good.
- The compliments were a bit of a giveaway.

- We would like you to sabotage Vlad's revamping unit.
- What's in it for me?

The ceasefire ends and you go back to doing what you do best -

biting the neck that feeds.

Don't tempt me.

Now ask me what I want.

You want to show some respect when talking to your father.

I would never let my daughter...

What do you want, darling daughter, apple of my eye?

I told you.

I want a seat on the High Council.

HE LAUGHS

I thought you were joking. You're far too young.

I'm sure I'd be a fast learner in the hands of a more...

experienced council member.

- I blame her mother.
- Better warm up that seat. This won't take long.

- You can't stop me this time.
- Malik's g*ng bit another breather tonight.

This experiment was a mistake.

- Vampires will never change.
- No, it's you that will never change.

Slaying vampires won't bring Dad back,

but helping them might save someone else.

Yeah, the electrics have gone.

Lights, sockets, everything.

Strange that it's only this classroom.

- Yeah, that is a mystery and no mistake.
- It could be a loose wire.

I'll have to close this classroom until it's fixed.

Oh, no, that... That's a bit drastic, isn't it? I'm sure it's a bit of a...

Aaagh!

Just kidding!

HE LAUGHS

Let's get to work.

The first phase of the revamp is to get control of your bloodlust.

You have to go cold fang.

No blood for hours.

They're loaded with concentrated garlic juice.

Go ahead, punk, make my day.

There's no way out of this room.

We sprayed the windows with garlic juice.

And the walls and the ceilings. Control your bloodlust.

It's the only way you're getting out of here.

Renfield, you take the first shift.

- Anyone comes through this door, you know what to do.
- Yeah.

I'll give them both barrels.

Oh! Sorry. Itchy trigger finger.

Itchy all over, actually.

Aagh! Sorry.

Phase one of the revamp is underway.

Excellent, Vladdy. Isn't that...excellent, Ramanga?

- Excellent.
- And you were able to round up all the street fangs?

- Malik and his g*ng got away.
- Oh, dear. That is regrettable.

Most regrettable.

Don't worry. We'll find him before the deadline.

Well, if you need our help, just say the words. We are right behind you.

Go, Team Vladdy.

Halt! Who goes here?

There, there. Who goes there.

Put 'em up.

You're feeling hungry, very hungry.

You have an irresistible urge to go to the kitchen

and fix yourself a snack.

I have an irresistible urge to go to the kitchen and fix myself a snack.

Er, what are you doing here?

Oh, felt peckish, made myself a slug sandwich.

Anybody want one? No?

- Who's guarding the revamp room?
- Well, I...

HE GULPS

Oh. What are you two still doing in school?

You should have gone home hours ago.

I don't recognise you. Whose form are you in?

Miss McCauley!

I just wanted to say...good night.

Vlad, do you know who these...?

Night, Vlad.

All present and correct.

Er, I'll take this shift.

BELL RINGS

Pathetic. He's missed the jugular by a country mile.

- Oh, morning, Mr Count.
- Ah, morning.

- I saw some odd-looking kids in the school last night.
- Chess club?

No, they weren't pupils. They looked... Well, homeless.

Oh, no, no, that's Vlad.

He's rounded up some street urchins,

trying to clean them up, teach them life skills.

I'll tell him to get rid of them.

How kind of Vlad to try and help those less fortunate than himself.

Actually, it was my idea. Yes, I thought the whole thing up, not Vlad.

But I...

I don't like to talk about my...

(charity work.)

Oh, we need more people like you - selfless, caring, humane.

Well, I only wish I could do more. Those poor souls.

I'd like to meet them.

Well, they're quite a shy bunch, but... Yes, I'll see what I can do.

We've got hours to bring Malik and Ryan in.

They won't come without a fight.

- Promise me you won't hurt my brother.
- We're out of time.

We have to stop them, whatever it takes.

- He's the only family I've got.
- You're not his sister any more.

You're a breather.

Let me talk to Ryan, see if I can get through to him.

The time for talking is over.

- You're in charge while I'm gone.
- Where are you going?

Into the lion's den.

Right. Miss McCauley has taken an interest in the revamp unit.

It's probably best we don't destroy it just yet.

Why do we care what a breather thinks?

- They're about to be put back on the menu.
- It's complicated.

Besides, I've had a better idea.

The quickest way to ensure the ceasefire ends

is for Jonno get bitten...

..turned into one of us.

- Vlad loses his closest ally...
- Mmm.

..and the Guild lose their poster boy for peaceful coexistence.

Clever.

- Who's going to bite him? Ingrid?
- No, no, no.

- Mmm.
- BOTH LAUGH

Ryan?

It's me, Erin.

SCUFFLING

Stupid torch.

I've got a stake and I'm... not afraid to use it.

Get a grip.

SHE GASPS

Sorry. Any sign of him?

- SHE GASPS
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

They were here. They'll be back.

Let's hide and wait.

You mean it's a STAKEOUT?

- I didn't want to say that.
- Yes, you did.

OK, maybe a little.

Welcome to phase two.

The next part of your training is learning to control your cravings.

That's it. Control your urge to bite him.

I'm really not comfortable feeling with this.

Hold still, Renfield, you're doing great.

- I'm doing something. But it's certainly not great!
- Now...

I want you to imagine that Renfield is a giant bulb of garlic.

Round and white and stinking so bad he makes your nostrils burn.

Ooh, I'm way ahead of you there.

Don't see a breather.

See a bulb of garlic.

THEY HISS

It's working.

RENFIELD SIGHS

You mean you didn't know it would?!

- Well, it was / .
- / ?!

Now, using this method, you can control your cravings

and live alongside breathers.

- Why don't you take a break? I'll take over.
- Thanks, Ingrid.

- We're doing aversion therapy.
- Should be easy enough with Renfield.

I'm a garlic.

- Can garlic talk?
- Nope.
- Then, don't.

The first thing I want you to do is to banish

any thought of biting Renfield from your mind.

You must ignore the juicy jugular pulsing in his neck.

You mustn't dwell on what his warm, fresh breather blood

would taste like as you swill it around your mouth

before swallowing it down, savouring every drop.

- I...don't really see the point of...
- Ah-ah! No speaking.

And you most certainly shouldn't dwell on how vulnerable he is

right now, sitting all alone in his chair, his neck exposed,

and only a thin layer of skin between you

and eight pints of refreshing, thirst-quenching blood.

- Don't even think about it.
- Oh, thank you, Master!

Change of plan. Leave revamp alone.

I've found an agent provocateur to bite Jonno.

- But what about my seat on the High Council?
- Better luck next time.

THEY GROAN

- Looks like a slayer att*ck.
- No sign of Malik. Maybe he got dusted.

Stay hidden. If Malik turns up it'll give us the element of surprise.

Ryan.

- HE LAUGHS
- You're so easy to fool.

- This is a decoy.
- For what?

- You OK?
- It's just a scratch - thanks to you.

You've bitten your last neck.

Either come to revamp or we fight to the death, right now.

- They mean it, Ryan.
- Bring it on.

You win.

I don't want to fight you.

Go ahead. Give us a revamp.

Killjoy.

- What are you doing?
- I have my reasons.

I'll report back to the guild. We'll take it from here.

- Nice to know you're on our side.
- Couldn't let him bite Jonno.

I'm saving him for a rainy day.

You've made it. We're just inside the -hour window.

Let's just hope Jonno can persuade the Slayers' Guild

to maintain the ceasefire.

It's only skin deep, don't worry about it.

You still need to be tested.

You're making a fuss over nothing.

I feel fine! I think I would know if I was growing fangs.

It can be a slow process with a shallow bite.

No... That can't be right.

Malik must've nicked the artery.

I'm turning into a vampire?!

You saved the Sayer boy?!

Are you out of your mind?

How DARE you sabotage our plans, you two-faced little...

snake! When I think of all the things I've done for you...

Name one.

The...

The point is, we had a deal.

Which you broke.

I won't be sidelined. I want that seat on the council.

Huh! I'm not lifting a fang to help you.

Well...

there's still a few minutes until the deadline.

A lot can happen in a few minutes.

Tick, tock.

Tick...

tock.

What...have you done?

I told the revamp group they could go to the Halloween disco.

Miss McCauley and the kids are probably down there

- getting turned into pin cushions as we speak.
- Now, that's more like it!

Yes, yes. Well done, Ingrid.

You don't mind?

I thought you had a soft spot for McCauley.

Why would I be interested in a breather? I find her...

unblemished innocence highly irritating.

You're not a vampire.

But the test...

It wasn't your blood.

Your blood tested negative, so I switched it.

For vampire blood.

I wanted to teach you a lesson.

Show you how close you'd come to disaster.

You're sick.

Peaceful co-existence can never work.

They're a plague on our lives and they need to be destroyed.

You did teach me a lesson. What it feels like to be a vampire,

caught in limbo between life and death.

SHE SIGHS

I felt...

trapped.

Now I know how scared they are and how much they need our help.

GROWLING

SURF ROCK MUSIC PARTY CHATTER

I'm too late.

What do you think of my costume?

Costume?

Well, I'm the bride of Dracula. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

HE GIGGLES

Oh! You look...

delectable.

The outfit's a real heart-stopper.

Well, you didn't dress up.

Greetings.

I am Count Dracula.

Your husband.

HE CACKLES

Love the colour-changing contacts. Those fangs are amazing!

- Where'd you get them - eBay?
- I made them myself.

Feeling thirsty? Me too, I'm parched.

GIRL SCREAMS

False alarm.

I would recommend the blood punch but there's a problem.

There's no blood in it.

So I'm afraid you're just going to have to bite a breather.

That's what we're about to do any way.

- You seen him?
- No. You?
- No.

AB negative, my favourite.

I am so sorry about my friend here.

He doesn't get out much. Do you, mate?

We were only chatting! You told us to mingle.

We're...mingling.

You're not ready. We're only on phase two.

If we were going to bite someone we'd have done it already.

Let's get back to the room and continue your training.

Breathers, breathers, everywhere, and not a drop to drink.

All right, Coleridge.

If you want the job doing, do it yourself.

New strategy!

We want Vlad to decide to end peaceful co-existence himself.

- He'll never do that.
- Haven't heard the plan yet.

We are going to insist Vlad gets betrothed.

He's mad about Erin.

That's not going to change things.

He's not getting engaged to Erin.

He's not?

He's getting engaged to my daughter, Adze.

He just doesn't know it yet.

She can be very persuasive.

She'll have him biting breathers before he can say, "I do."

- I do!
- Mmm!

FINGERS SNAP

HE HUMS A TUNE