01x16 - World Without Milo/The Race

[bunniefuu]

♪ Look at that sun Look at that sky ♪

♪ Look at my sweater vest I look so fly ♪

♪ Look at that mailbox Look at that tree ♪

♪ It's about as beautiful as it can be ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Today is gonna be exceptional ♪

♪ Never boring even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world And we're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Never boring even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world And we're all livin' in it ♪

[brakes squeal]

[indistinct chatter]

Okay children, watch your step.

Everybody go down there and line up at the end of the dock.

-Joni, watch out for the... -[Joni exclaims]

-[splashing] -Okay, never mind.

[Joni] I'm okay.

This is going to be the best field trip ever!

There better not be any flying fish.

I just hope it doesn't end up like the teacher's convention last year in Seattle.

Right?

You know, us Murphys love the sea.

My great-great-grandfather was the captain of the S.S. Murphy.

-But it was lost. -You mean it sank?

No, just lost. He came down to the dock one day and it was gone.

We think he left the keys in it.

Okay, kids, this is it.

The reason there's no school lunch program and the reason you have to bring your own toilet paper to school.

I give you the school board's very own yacht, the Indulgence.

[all gasp]

-[cameras clicking] -[keypads tapping]

-[cell phones chiming] -[all] Hmm.

The school board thinks we can justify the expense if we use it as a "teaching aide."

[indistinct shouting]

I just want to go on record that Milo plus boat...

I've never been on a boat that wasn't sinking before!

[laughs] Whoo!

Equals bad idea.

[nervously] Uh...

[Murawski] Oh, children, gather around.

We're about to bring in our first sample of marine life.

Oh, isn't he cu...

Can anyone identify this?

Seriously, what is this? Because I cannot see a thing.

I think that's a squid.

Oh, how nice.

So can anyone tell me what this is?

[slurps]

[Milo] I'm telling you, if it's a yacht it has a galley full of food.

It's probably right down...

-[all gasp] -Wow!

[all] Whoa!

Have you ever seen a spread like this?

I don't know where to begin.

I do. Alphabetically.

Milo? What are you doing down here in the...

Oh, my goodness.

[sensual music playing]

Oh!

Hello, beautiful. I'm Bradley.

What's your name? No, no, let me guess.

It's... Carla, isn't it?

Yes, I'm gonna call you Carla.

[Coach Mitchell laughs] Look at me now!

You can take away my driver's license, but you can't stop me from steering a boat!

Hey, Coach, you want one?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be careful with that.

These controls are very sensitive.

I mean, look at this red button.

It's been blinking since we got on board.

Look at that baby go! [Laughs] Blink, blink...

Did you guys see the omelet station?

[Milo in slow-mo] Ahhh!

[in slow-mo] No!

[chuckles] That's not so bad.

That could've been a whole... [grunts]

-[screams] -[squawking]

Help me!

[whimpers]

[crashing]

-[snaps] -[Coach Mitchell screams]

Get it off me!

[continues screaming]

Hey, where'd you guys get those?

Down in the galley. They got root beer, and ice cream...

Yeah, the ice cream machine may be in use.

-[squawking] -[buttons beeping]

[screeching]

[squawking]

[all grunting]

[screaming]

♪ You get the breeze In your hair ♪

♪ And the sweet salt air ♪

♪ When you're out On the open sea ♪

♪ You can be my first mate 'Cause my ship is in shape ♪

♪ Won't you come take a trip with me ♪

[screams]

♪ We've got nothing to lose Let's just go for a cruise ♪

♪ I can teach you ichthyology ♪ Huh?

♪ Just sailing along with me on the open sea ♪

♪ Just sailing along with me on the open... ♪

[crashing]

[groans, thuds]

What did we run into?

Hey, it's the S.S. Murphy! We found it!

Grandpa will be so happy.

-Are you children okay? -[Melissa] Uh-huh.

-Fine and dandy! -Yeah!

That's more than I can say for the Indulgence.

Her navigation system and radio are sh*t.

We're stranded?

We'll starve!

We're gonna have to sleep outside!

There's no cell service!

Actually, I'm okay with it.

So, we're lost and no one knows where we are?

That's my worst nightmare! What about flying fish?

Okay, it's my second worst nightmare!

Okay, I know things look bad, especially since we have the walking disaster magnet on board.

She's talking about me!

But if we all just stay calm and keep together, everything will be okay.

I'm going native. Who's with me?

[mimics animal noises]

Okay, children.

I appear to be having a small problem with the faculty.

I'll be back...

Uh, so...

Free period!

Try not to eat each other!

Okay, then. Now, everybody just stay calm.

The last thing we want to do right now is freak out.

[screams]

What's going on? I was just taking a little nap to get out of the noonday sun.

Mr. Drako, the ship ran aground, the radio's broken and the rest of the teachers ran off into the jungle.

Sounds like our teacher convention last year in Seattle. [laughs]

No, seriously, it was just like that.

But don't panic. We will just set off a signal flare and see if anyone notices.

Hmm.

Okay, kids. Now is the time to panic!

[students screaming]

Okay. Nobody tell Grandpa about this.

Now, children, don't worry your pretty little necks.

-Heads. -Heads.

I'm sure that Principal Milder has everything under control.

The time has come for you to present your tribute.

Oh, Great Milwa, I bring you tribute.

Your tribute pleases me not.

The rest will bring tribute.

[Coach Mitchell] No!

I invoke the right of Krum-Hai!

[all] Ooh.

You challenge me?

Bring it on, Mitchell.

Don't remember those in Seattle.

[ululating]

[all chanting] Krum-Hai! Krum-Hai!

Sometimes I wonder what became of the young ones.

[Coach Mitchell grunting]

[continue chanting]

[Milo] Okay, Melissa. What have you got to report?

Our scouting party found a fresh water spring three clicks past Dead Man's Bluff.

Excellent. I have no idea what a click is.

But there's a bamboo outcropping on the North Ridge.

You can use that to build pipes for an aqueduct.

Zack, how's it going sealing up the hole?

The mixture of flour, milk, sugar, butter and ice cream turned out to be a highly effective sealant.

Oh, so the mess in the Mess Hall proved useful after all!

Yup, but we are still washing the Carla off of Bradley.

[sobbing] Carla!

Now, we just have to figure out a way to get the yacht back into the water.

-[Diogee barks] -Diogee?

Diogee!

How'd you get here?

[woman] Hey, look at this.

My almanac says there's going to be a freakish high tide today.

Glad I'm not stranded on an island somewhere.

♪ I'll get from here to there ♪

♪ You can count on me ♪

♪ It's just a matter of time ♪

♪ I'll get from here to there ♪

♪ Don't worry, baby ♪

♪ You know I'm on my way ♪

♪ Don't worry, baby Don't worry, baby ♪

♪ Don't you make yourself crazy ♪

♪ I'll be there any day ♪

[Zack] Now we just have to figure out a way to get the yacht back into the water.

-[barks] -Diogee?

Diogee! How'd you get here?

What's he doing?

I think he's having a flashback.

[Barks]

What is it, boy?

[Milo] My old weather almanac.

According to this, today there'll be a super, mega high tide which only happens once every 50 years.

[Zack] Yeah, uh, what does that mean?

It means it happens and then it happens again in 50 years.

-Dude, really? -Oh, um, it...

It means we're about to be underwater in about...

Ten minutes.

That's horrible! Not if we're in the boat.

The high tide will lift the yacht right off this island.

[Melissa] What about the teachers?

Now, that's horrible!

Uh, everyone, we've got to find the teachers and get them back on this boat!

And we've got... [slurps]

Nine minutes and 39 seconds.

Why can't I knock you over?

You've got, like, twice your body weight!

I'm a middle school principal!

[rustling]

[camera clicks]

This one's going in the yearbook.

Um, while I admire the rich culture that you've created in... [slurps]

Forty-five minutes, we've got to get you back to the boat!

[grunts] Do not give orders.

-I wield the scepter of Krum-Hai! -[barks]

Okay, now, the dog has it.

[all] We must do as he bids.

For he has the scepter!

The floppy-eared one will be our leader!

I know, right?

[Murawski] He has the scepter! He is the chosen one!

[indistinct chatter]

We don't have time for this!

The island will be under water any second now!

Why should we believe you?

I invoke the right of Krum...

[all screaming]

The high tide!

[Melissa] It's working!

Everyone, hold on!

Oh, the island spirits are wrathful!

I invoke the right of Krum... Yeah.

We're not doing that anymore.

Get it off! Get it off!

Flying fish! Flying fish!

[screaming]

[on speaker] Congratulations go to the S.S. Indulgence.

You're the winners of the Jefferson G. County Surf Competition.

A boat can't win a surf competition.

That's like a washing machine winning a beauty pageant!

[man] A washing machine can't win a beauty pageant.

It's like a cardboard box being appointed to the Supreme Court.

Actually, I am okay with it!

Well, apparently a boat can win a surf competition.

It just doesn't come up very often.

And, well, here's your prize money, $58, 212.

That's just enough money to fix the yacht.

With $2 left over!

We can buy a candy bar and a half!

You know, guys, I think we handled ourselves pretty well out there today.

Yes, we did.

[Bradley crying] Carla!

Carla!

Bradley, there's a guy selling ice cream right there on the beach.

[Bradley tearfully] It's not the same!

Welcome, parents and children of the night!

The back-to-school night.

I love the way my coat smells.

[whispers] Whoa. Was that teacher a vampire?

We're looking into it.

I love back-to-school night.

It's like a rock concert where my teachers just sing my praises.

Easy there, hot sh*t.

Better to play it safe with my parental expectations.

Was I setting the bar too low or too high?

I personally think we get enough school during the day, we don't need extra helpings at night.

How about we switch places?

I go to school and you cover me in the ER?

Just remember the vital organs go on the inside before you sew them back up.

Oh, Mom, you're so precocious.

Oh, I know.

Like my dad always says, "School is a mix of reading, writing, and fiery explosions."

Where exactly did you go to school?

A lot of places. Some are still standing.

Diogee, go home.

You know dogs aren't allowed in school.

[whimpers] ♪ It's a sad dog's life ♪

Thanks for picking up the check, Cavendish!

Well, thank you for being such a burden.

I left my wallet in my other track suit.

I mean, my wallet was empty, but that's where it is.

Just how many track suits do you actually own?

Are you kidding? I got six of these puppies.

So, then what do you wear on Sundays?

Not much. Oh...

Anyway, you wanted to show me something?

Yes, I did! This way! Come on, it's a surprise.

Murphy's dog?

Go home, Diogee. Yeah, he's cute.

But he's not the surprise. Oh, oh!

Did you see that? That almost... Yeah, yeah, you almost d*ed.

Come on. The surprise is over here.

Ta-da!

Please don't tell me these are time devices you've stolen from Brick and Savannah?

Well? You told me not to tell you!

Really takes me back, all this.

Would be great to be a kid again.

No responsibilities.

No stress.

It would be great to be an adult.

You get to call your own sh*ts and buy stuff.

Anytime.

I could buy a big, heavy blanket in the summer, just 'cause I wanted to.

I could tell kids, "Because I said so", anytime I wanted.

I could start my own family band, like the Von Trapp singers.

Yeah, those guys rocked.

I'd like to welcome you all to back-to-school night.

Kids, please step outside so we can talk about you behind your backs.

Be good, Dad!

No unnecessary surgeries while I'm gone, Mom.

Now who's being precocious?

Me! It was me!

[clears throat]

Now, before we get started, would anyone like to compliment me on my hand-crafted, wooden chair?

It goes with my desk, which I also made.

You should not have this!

Bad Dakota!

Oh, come on, I'm gonna give 'em back.

Later. They'll be fun to play with.

Play? What are you, a child?

This is prototype, portable time-displacement technology and it's hugely dangerous.

Yeah, but we'll kick serious "time butt" with this. Look.

Look! An Age Regressor Ray!

Instead of sending your body through time, it sends time through your body, changing your chronological age.

Oh, that's not dangerous. Just put that down!

Oh, cool! Cool! Baby thumbs up!

What do you think, huh?

All right. No more goofing off.

We've got to reverse it.

Baby hand is touching you. Oh! Don't do that.

Baby hand is touching you.

It's so smooth, like a baby's bottom, but it's its hand.

It's a baby hand! Stop touching me!

[g*n fires]

Uh-oh!

Texture and wood grain are far more nuanced than you might think...

[all cheering]

Oh... That can't be good.

-No! -No!

Come back here, foul canine! Oh, come on.

No! No! No!

[children laughing]

Mom?

Okay, I'm freaking out.

This is crazy! How did this happen?

[Zack] What are we gonna do?

Murphy, of course you're here.

Oh, hey, Cavendish, maybe you could help.

Oh no, are those your parents? It's worse than I thought.

No! Wait!

Is that Dakota?

[screams]

No! Let go!

What is going on?

That ray g*n in your dog's mouth regressed everyone's age by 90%.

But if I can get it back, -I should be able to reverse it. -No!

Diogee! Drop it.

-Oh, dear! -Uh...

[blabbering]

Give me 20 minutes to fix it.

All right. Maybe 30.

-Mine! [laughs] -You!

You come back here, young man!

Okay, while they fix this, all we need to do is keep our three-year-old parents safe.

Sounds simple enough.

Yeah, how hard can it be, they are two feet tall.

My desk!

Hey, where doggie go?

This way!

Hey! Stop those baby-parents!

[indistinct laughter]

♪ When you were up and I was down ♪

♪ You put me through it ♪

♪ But now the worm has turned around ♪

♪ So let's get to it ♪

♪ We keep on spinning until we're wound ♪

♪ And now we're gonna Do it again, and again ♪

♪ And I say, hey, Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Turnabout is fair play ♪

♪ You worked me over Now I've got you under ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Turnabout is fair play ♪

♪ It's not raining but It sounds like thunder ♪

[indistinct laughter and cheering]

I think it's story-time.

"And the beautiful pony got a job that promised upward mobility and equal pay. The End."

Again.

No, we've already read it 16 times.

Again!

-No. -Why?

Because I said so!

That's not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be.

[blowing raspberry]

Excuse me?

[blowing raspberry]

Dad, you come back here right now!

Don't walk away when I'm talking to you! Stop ignoring me!

Mom! Get down from there!

Be nice!

Okay, please get down from there.

[groans] Feels like we've been here all night!

How long have these guys been toddlers?

About... Six minutes.

Our parents are terrible kids.

But to be fair, we're probably terrible parents.

They'll understand one day when they have... us.

Whee!

[children cheering]

Come back, child!

Heel! I need those parts to fix the...

Ow! Enough! Give me that!

Give me back my hat!

-[crying] -No!

Bad Dakota!

Ow!

Wait, where'd you go? Dakota?

[children laughing]

Nice moves, Dad! What's it called?

[whispers] The "Pee-pee dance."

Parents should have an emergency hot-line for extra parents.

Mine!

Please. Please, just give me the part back.

Mine! Did you know I used to play concert piano?

[Dakota] No! I could have had an entirely different career.

-A different life. But instead, here I am. -[laughing]

With you.

Please give me the part back.

Okay.

There! Reassembled!

-Now I can turn everyone back... -Whee!

Oh! Wait, wait, no, don't! Don't!

I'm alive!

[children laughing]

It's like herding cats.

Herding cats is easier!

Okay, it's play time!

[cheering]

Head's up!

-[tires screeching] -Sweet petunia!

[all screaming]

[panting]

Well, your guys didn't strap it on right!

Had to make a sudden stop and the darn thing flew right off.

It's rollin' around, chasing a bunch of kids in a ball field!

Well, I am doing something about it!

I'm calling you to say your guys didn't strap it on right!

[laughing]

[chirping]

[sneezing]

[sneezes]

[screaming]

Well, you better send somebody down here quick.

That thing's bouncing around. It's gonna get pretty damaged in a hurry.

Just hold on for a second.

Just run to the right or left!

[groans]

[blows nose]

No, no, no, this ain't on me!

You got bigger problems!

I'll have this place crawling with truckers...

Never mind. See you in an hour.

[laughing]

Boy, being an adult is harder than I thought.

Maybe it's great being what we are right now.

Tired. Hey.

How long do we have to do this?

We're gonna be stuck with toddler parents forever!

I can't do this anymore!

[sobbing] No!

Where is Cavendish?

[Cavendish] Oi, Murphy!

Stop playing with your baby-parents and meet me in the classroom in five minutes!

Give me that!

[crying]

[chewing]

Boy, does my mouth taste weird. What did I eat?

Ugh!

[laughing and cheering]

I'd take Murphy's Law over parenting any day.

Okay, uh... [clears throat]

I think we're about done here.

Uh, thank you all for coming and if you need me, I'll be polishing my desk.

Huh. Did she talk about her desk the whole time?

Because I think I must've zoned out.

Aw, look at them.

I know they're growing up, but they're still our babies.

Babies of the night.

The back-to-school night! [laughs]

Definitely a vampire.

♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ♪

♪ We're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm not sitting here Watching the world turn ♪

♪ You know I'd rather spin it ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ♪