01x07 - Secrets and Pies & Athledecamathalon

[bunniefuu]

♪ Look at that sun
Look at that sky ♪

♪ Look at my sweater vest
I look so fly ♪

♪ Look at that mailbox
Look at that tree ♪

♪ It's about as beautiful as it can be ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Today is gonna be exceptional ♪

♪ Never boring even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world
And we're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Never boring even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world
And we're all livin' in it ♪

I have a secret!

Milo,
that's not how secrets work.

You don't just blurt it out.

First, you have to hint
that you have a secret,

and then you gotta wait
for someone to ask you.

-So what's your secret?
-Like that.

I've been taking a cooking class

at the local community college.

Or at least I was, till the ovens blew up.
But I learned a lot!

So, I'm going to cook
dinner for you guys.

Milo and open flame?

Now that's a recipe for
some running and screaming.

What if we just order out?

They can probably deliver right to
the hospital where we'll be later.

Come on, guys. I got this!

Wrong chapeau, chef de cuisine.

Oops. I had the silly
thing set for sleuthing.

Here it goes.
First thing, open the box.

[both gasping]

Next, add dried noodles
to boiling water.

He's boiling water!

I know!

Wait a second.
It looks like he knows what he's doing.

You wear your backpack
while you cook?

-I wear it everywhere.
-Everywhere?

Well, except for backpacking.

I have a different
backpack for that.

So, Chef Milo,
what's your secret ingredient?

It's a secret.
I don't want to ruin the surprise.

What if it's not a secret and
we can prepare for it instead?

Too late!
It's already ready already.

Here you go! Mac and cheese!

Wow, impressive!

Uh-oh. Too much yeast.

Yeast in mac and cheese?

I guess now we know
the secret ingre...

[explodes]

Surprise!

It's in my nose.

You guys okay?

Yeah,
like this is the first time

we've ever been covered in
cheese and stuck to a wall.

[clock ticking]

Thanks for letting us borrow
a change of clothes, Milo.

Is that what I look like?

If you were two people

and one of you was a girl.

You know,
this outfit makes me feel happy.

-Really?
-Yeah, there was a dollar in the pocket.

Well, I think we
look like a boy band.

No. We don't.

We definitely don't
look like a boy band.

Uh, what have you got
against boy bands?

Nothing.
You know, it's just two words.

Band, boy. Boy, band. Ha-ha.

Who's hungry?
Come on, let's go order some pizza.

Okay.

Luckily, there's a place nearby.

Ye Old Pizza.

How does British pizza sound?

A little standoffish but lovable.

Never had much luck with
pizza deliveries at our house.

If it shows up at all,
it's usually on fire.

Let's give it a try anyway.

It says it's guaranteed.

[drumroll]

♪ Ye Olde Pizza ♪

♪ When you're tired
Of bangers and mash ♪

But we've got that too!

Guaranteed delivery in one
one-thousandth of a fortnight!

One one-thousandth
of a fortnight?

Twenty minutes and change.

[man] Please wait while we connect
you to your helpful pizza squire.

Allo, allo, allo.

Ye Olde Pizza!

Milo? I don't believe it.
Is that you?

Veronica? How long have
you been a pizza squire?

I haven't seen you in,
like, fortnights.

[Veronica] I know, right?

Put the calculator down.

It's been a long time.
How are you? How's Diogee?

Veronica who?

I thought we knew
all his friends.

I thought we were
all his friends.

Should I bring your favorite?
Pepperoni and sausage?

Make it a large and
you can join us!

And a diet soda.

Hey!

♪ Chop, chop,
chop Chop away at my... ♪

[shrieks]

What was that?

Oh. I, uh, you know, chops...

Maybe they have chopped salad?
[chuckles]

I don't know,
do you want a chopped salad?

I don't want a chopped salad.

Do you want one?
But hey, Milo, huh?

-Who's this Veronica person?
-Yeah.

Come on, spill it, Murphy.

Let's just say that with
Veronica delivering,

the odds are much better that
we'll actually get the pizza.

And I'll let you in
on another secret...

This isn't my backpack.

[both] What?

[music playing]

♪ I want a girl
With a suit of armor ♪

♪ In chain mail,
She's a real Renaissance charmer ♪

[chuckling]

♪ She's not the kind of
Girl who is easily rattled ♪

♪ She knows her way around
A broadsword battle ♪

♪ I want a girl with
A suit of armor now ♪

[Veronica] Yeah!

-Wow, that's some good D.
-Mmm-hmm.

Come on, Milo.
Who's this Veronica person?

You can't just drop a b*mb
like that and walk away!

[Milo] You're the one who
said some secrets are cool.

I bet you have some.

-[in altered voice] Come on.
-[toy squeaking]

Tell me your secrets!

Tell them to me!

Tell them to Mr. Badger!

What are you doing?

[in normal voice]
I'm badgering you.

[in badger voice] I'm a badger!

-[in normal voice] Is it workin'?
-Actually, it kind of is.

I do have a secret.

Okay.
This is not how I really look.

You mean, you're...

That's right, Zack.

[in a robotic voice] I am a robot.

[both screaming]

I am a robot. I am a robot.

-I am a robot.
-[Melissa] Zack!

-[Melissa] Zack!
-Huh?

-Zack, are you okay?
-Oh, right. I'm fine.

So, Melissa, what's your secret?

This is not how I really look.

[speaking in a robotic voice]
I am a robot.

[both screaming]

I am a robot. I am a robot.

[Zack] Melissa? Melissa!

Huh? What?

What do you mean,
this is not how you really look?

My two front teeth are fake.

Caught a pop fly with my face.

[screams]

[thuds]

Okay, everyone,
we've got an oil spill here.

Highly flammable. Stay back.

Hey, mister, that's not oil.

-That's molasses!
-Really?

Okay then.

Ah!

Why didn't you tell me
molasses was flammable?

I'm four.

♪ Chop, chop,
chop Chop away at my heart ♪

[barking]

Whoa! Timber!

-[barking]
-Diogee!

You're a lot bigger
than I remember!

Here you go.
Let's take you home.

This is the worst
assignment yet.

Stopping pistachios from
leaking out of a silo.

Yeah, but there are perks.
Check it out.

Stop that,
you're making it worse!

See?

[motorcycle approaching]

Wanna give me a hand here?
At least a finger?

Fine. Like this?

[both] Whoa!

[Veronica] Hold on, Diogee!

Whoa!

Well,
Murphy's Law is in full force.

What we need now is some power.

We're gonna have to improvise.

Mints and diet soda.

Take cover, boy.

Hold on to your tail!

-Guys, she's getting close. I can feel it.
-[Veronica] Milo!

I'm coming in hot!

Battle stations, everyone!

Melissa, fire extinguisher.

Zack, trampoline! Ready?

-Ready.
-Ready.

Whoa!

[grunts]

One one-thousandth
of a fortnight.

And it's not even on fire.

Whoop. Spoke too soon.

But, none the worse for wear.

Everybody, this is Veronica.

Veronica, these are my
other two friends.

Hello!

Okay, so how do you
guys know each other?

Veronica was my last babysitter.

Last babysitter standing.

[both] Oh.

She was the only
one smart enough,

and resourceful
enough for the job.

She had a backpack that
just happened to have

exactly what we needed
to fix any disaster.

Murphy's Law is strong,
but she was stronger...

Because of that backpack.

And that's her backpack!

-That's right.
-He earned it.

I better go back
and get that drink.

I had to use your diet soda

and some mints to
improvise an afterburner.

Don't make that trip
again on my account.

Oh, no, it's my pleasure.

I was a huge fan
of the Lumberzacks!

Gotta go! Chop, chop, chop!

[kissing]

[whistling]

I'll be back with
the soda in a few!

Soooo...

-Pizza?
-I don't get it.

How did she know your name?

And what the heck
is a Lumberzack?

[chuckles] I guess we'll never know.

Unless we just look up

"Lumberzacks,
Chop Chop Chop" on the Internet.

Oh, no.

Oh, this is gonna be good!

-[music playing]
-[tree crashing]

♪ I know you're pining ♪

♪ But every cloud has
Got a silver lining ♪

♪ The leaves have parted
Now the sun is shining ♪

♪ And you're in my arms ♪

♪ So the planets are aligning ♪

♪ My heart is strong ♪

♪ Like a tree ♪

♪ And you belong ♪

♪ Baby, you belong to me ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'm tied to the ground ♪

♪ And if I fall ♪

♪ Do I even make a sound? ♪

♪ Chop, chop,
Chop Chop away at my heart ♪

-♪ I can feel it falling ♪
-Timber!

♪ And now we'll never part ♪

♪ I know you ♪

♪ You've been there from the start ♪

♪ So, baby Chop, chop, chop ♪

♪ Chop away at my heart ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Chop, chop,
Chop Chop away at my heart ♪

He's so sensitive.

I know, right?

Please turn it off.

I will give you this dollar

I found in your pocket.

Oh, you can keep that.

♪ Chop away at my heart ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop
Chop away at my heart ♪

-♪ I can feel it falling ♪
-Timber!

♪ And now we'll never part ♪

♪ I know you ♪

♪ You've been there from the start ♪

♪ So, baby
Chop, chop, chop ♪

♪ Chop away at my heart ♪

You were in a
lumberjack-themed boy band.

We were regionally famous.

The lumberjack thing
was not my idea.

My mom had a bunch of flannel and...
[sighs]

But you were in a band!

It's really cool, Zack.

Hey! We should start a band!

I can play the bass.

That's cool.

And I've got an accordion!

Potentially cool,
in a hipster kind of way.

[Diogee barking]

-And now we have to order another pizza.
-[barking]

♪ It's my world and
we're all livin' in it ♪

I love the scholastic decathlon.

It's the only
event where knowing

the blood type of
all the presidents

doesn't make me a freak,
it makes me an athlete.

And I love the
athletic decathlon

because, you know,
I'm an actual athlete

who doesn't know the
blood types of presidents.

[Milo] "Athledecamathelon?"
What is that?

Well, "Athle-" means sports,

but then "math"...

[imitates expl*si*n]
Mind blown, man.

Let's ask Mr. Drako.

Mr. Drako is a...

-Vampeer.
-Chad, he's not a vampire.

No. Vampeer.

-He just has a widow's peak.
-And he's pale.

And he has that accent.

And we've never seen his
reflection in the mirror.

I've never seen your
reflection in a mirror, Chad.

Oh, no! I'm a vampire!

[screaming]

Hello, children.

[whispering] Psst!
Chad was right.

He has all his mirrors covered.

[Melissa] He's not a vampire.

Mr. Drako, why do you have
all your mirrors covered?

Oh, those aren't mirrors.

They're pictures of my ex-wife.

Stop looking at me, Agnes!

Why don't you just
take them down?

Then where would
I hang my sheets?

Um, we wanted to find out
about this Athledecamathelon.

Funny story. The school district

wasted a lot of money
buying that yacht.

So now we have to combine

your scholastic and athletic
decathlons into one event.

Which shouldn't be a problem

if you're great at all
sports and all academics.

No fair! Who's good at
academics and sports?

-Abraham Lincoln.
-Blood type A.

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy,

is this a legal, medical,

or state emergency
level problem?

Oh, no. Nothing like that.
Milo just forgot his lunch.

And his body armor.

I thought he looked
svelter today.

-Ah, memories.
-Little help!

You know, they put in those
reinforced steel beams because of me.

And these unbreakable windows.

Hey, I wonder if they've still
got my old trophy around here.

You never told me
you won a trophy.

I don't like to brag.

♪ You're the best remaining ♪

♪ When everyone better
Has been eliminated ♪

♪ If you happen to
Be in the right place ♪

♪ At the right time ♪

♪ Remember your training ♪

♪ 'Cause you may be the best ♪

♪ You may be the best remaining ♪

[whistle blowing]

So tell me again why there
was a rock band on the field?

Eh. It was the 's.

[school bell ringing]

Oh. Whoa!

You know, I'm starting to think
that Mr. Drako really is a vampire.

How can he be a vampire?

He's outside in the daylight.

With an umbrella hat and a
huge amount of sunscreen.

You can't be too
careful about the sun.

Mr. Drako,
combining these two events

just makes it
harder on everyone.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm sure the other team

is just as unprepared
as you are.

[Milo] It's the Middlemen
from Middletown Middle School!

. ,

that's almost Pi,
we're the Middlemen! Huh!

You are going down, Geckos.

What do you know?
Your mascot is a guy in a suit.

[Wendy] Our mascot is
Murray the Middleman,

who buys products
from wholesalers

and then sells them to
retailers at a hefty profit!

Actually,
that sounds kind of impressive.

[Melissa] Mr. Drako!

They're totally prepared.
How is that possible?

Well, the Athledecamathelon

was announced three months ago.

You've known about this for three
months and you didn't tell us!

I didn't want you
to be freaking out.

Like you obviously are.

And you just found out about
it, just now!

Imagine what you'd
have been like

if you had known about
it all this time.

He has a point.
You do look kind of stressed out.

Why don't you channel
that anger to help you?

You mean like this?

[grunting]

O-negative.

William Henry Harrison
and James Garfield. Boom!

♪ Athledecamathelon ♪

♪ We base our self-esteem upon ♪

♪ Our intellectual clarity
And physical dexterity ♪

♪ The Athledecamathelon ♪

♪ You may be a prodigy at javelin ♪

♪ And you sh*t put
Better than the best ♪

♪ But if you don't
Know your calculus ♪

♪ And comprehend the syllabus ♪

♪ It is doubtful that
You'll ever pass this test ♪

♪ Athledecamathelon ♪

♪ Yes, Athledecamathelon ♪

♪ It's brains but it is also brawn ♪

♪ It's both you must rely upon ♪

♪ In the Athledecamathelon ♪

[crashing]

[screaming]

That trophy has to be here somewhere.
I mean, I was a legend.

Honey, you don't have
to show me the trophy.

I believe you won the game.

-Now can we go home?
-Oh, look.

I don't see your name anywhere.

Maybe it's behind one
of these big ones.

[grunting]

Whoa.

Got it!

No. "Best ceramic statue
of a soccer ball ."

They give trophies
for anything nowadays.

Huh. Imagine?

I don't have to, I'm holding it.

Okay, Milo,
you have five seconds

to name five famous disasters.

And... Go.

Vesuvius. Chicago Fire.

Dinosaur asteroid.
Titanic. And...

Um... Your haircut!

Oh, meow.

But I'll accept the answer.

[cheering]

And now for the physical
portion of your challenge.

Throw this round
thing really far.

[Milo] Oh. Yep.

Oh, there yep.

That's probably my bad.

Oh. Oh.

Mmm, that can happen. Yeah.

And that's gonna leave a mess.

Whoa! Look out!

Oh! Heads up!

Okay. Heads up.

And here comes the fire.

Yep. Yep.

You can't possibly
expect us to continue!

Mmm, I can live with this.

-Play on!
-[blows whistle]

All right,
everyone in favor of giving up,

give me five dollars
then walk off the field.

What's the five dollars for?

Are you gonna ask questions
or are you gonna walk?

No. Everybody, wait!
Don't you see?

Before, we were playing
on a uneven playing field,

it was physically even,

but it was figuratively uneven

because the Middlemen had time
to practice and we didn't.

But now the field
is literally uneven,

which makes it
figuratively even for us

because I've spent
my entire life

learning to deal with
things that are uneven.

Physically!

None of these guys have had
to deal with Murphy's Law.

I have!

Which means that we have!

Are you with me?

I didn't really get all of that,
but you look really confident,

so I'm willing to give it a try.

Let's do this.

Am I getting my five bucks back?

Oh, we'll see how you do.

Okay, the next and final event,

the by dash.

You all have to run across
this four hundred yard field,

and answer questions on these
four hundred tablet computers.

Who was the first prime
minister of Canada?

Whoever crosses the
finish line first

wins the game for their team!

Wait a minute.

You had enough
money for all that,

but you couldn't afford
two separate events?

Funny story. For another time.

-Go!
-[g*nsh*t fires]

Everybody, follow me!

[indistinct chatter]

[tablets beep]

Leaky water main. Veer left!

Whoa!

Whoa!

[tablets beep]

-Mort!
-No, the ground is too unstable!

Fly, you fools.
[yells]

Nooooo...

You're okay.

Don't worry about me.
Go b*at those guys!

[tablets beeping]

Incoming, two o'clock!
Duck and cover!

Guys, I lost my shoe.
You're going to have to go on without me.

You're definitely not getting
your five dollars back.

Well,
if you can't see the trophy,

you're going to see the
play that earned it.

Oh, honey, that's not really necess...
And, here we go.

And Murphy's
intercepted the ball.

He runs down the field
and no one can stop him.

This may be the
best soccer playing

that I have ever seen
from a human being

or even from some kind
of soccer-playing robot.

-And Murphy sh**t and he...
-[glass shattering]

[cat yowling]

[vehicle crashing]

And that's going
to be expensive.

Okay, we have to win
this now for Zack.

Poor, poor Zack.

I'm fine,
just win this thing already!

[beeping]

[grunting]

I have returned
to the above world

to witness this competition.

But I must admit,

I was expecting two
separate events.

One scholastic and one athletic.

I know, right?

[beeping]

Backstop.

-What?
-[crashes]

And Murphy runs down the field

and nothing can stop him.

This may be the best
Athledecamathelon playing

that I have ever seen
from a human being

or even from some kind of
Athledecamathelon-playing robot.

What is President James
Garfield's blood type?

Oh wait, I know this.

And of course President
Garfield's blood type was...

[mower whirring]

And, for the grand prize, What was
President James Garfield's blood type?

[all] Oh!

My trivial knowledge
may seem selective.

But James Garfield's blood type was...
Aw, man.

Milo!

I just said this
five minutes ago.

Oh, yeah. O-Negative!

And Athledecamathelon!

[all cheering]

That's our boy.

I think we can go home now.

You don't want to keep
looking for your trophy?

Nah, I think we have a
new hero in the family.

Aw. You'll always be my hero.

Ah.

[crashing]

Time to go home.
Don't want to rain on Milo's parade.

[children cheering]

[sirens wailing]

♪ We're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Oh, thanks,
Everybody That is so motivational ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm not sitting here
Watching the world turn ♪

♪ You know I'd rather spin it ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ It's my world and
We're all livin' in it ♪