01x16 - The A Team

[bunniefuu]

Okay, the Burns Brothers
Construction website

is live... now.

- Yeah!
- All right.

Well, it's been live for
a while, but I thought

this way would be more
dramatic. And it was.

(chuckling): Oh...

This is great, Lowell.

I love the pictures.

Hey, thanks for making
my arm muscles so big.

Fun fact, those are Hulk Hogan's arms.

Why did you give Don
a handlebar mustache?

Well, I asked for that.

It makes me look like
a riverboat gambler.

Oh.

I think it makes you look
like a '70s p*rn star.

(laughs)

I like that better.

Uh, hey, I meant to ask.

Sunday night, how about you and Andi

have dinner with me and Jen?

Who's Jen? Your parrot?

- No, she's my wife.
- Oh.

Adam, I don't know if you know this,

but I consider you a role
model, a mentor, a hero.

Andi, you hear that?
You're married to a hero.

(exhales proudly)

It would really mean a lot to me

if you guys got to be friends with Jen.

Well, I can't believe we
might actually meet your wife.

I mean, I've known you three years,

I've never seen her once.

Yeah, she travels a lot for work,

but she's in town right now.

Uh-huh. And by travels, you
mean flies around like a parrot?

(laughs)

No, she's not a bird, Don.

All right, all right, all right,
Lowell, let's speak freely.

Okay, is there a chance that at dinner,

you will excuse yourself and go upstairs

and come back down in a dress
calling yourself Jen? Huh?

(Don and Adam laugh)

- Like-like a Mrs. Doubtfire thing.
- Yeah.

Jen exists. She's not a parrot,
she's not Mrs. Doubtfire.

I've never had to say any of this.

Lowell, we're sorry.

We would love to have
dinner with you guys.

Uh, why don't you
come over Sunday night?

I'll make a lasagna.

Yeah, maybe pull the
blinds over the windows

so she doesn't fly into the glass.
(laughs)

She's not a bird, Don.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm vouching for you here,

so I'm gonna look like an
idiot if you walk in the door

with your wife on your shoulder.

All right, Lowell and
Jen'll be here any minute.

I got three bottles of wine.
Do you think that's enough?

I have no idea.

I mean, we don't know who or what

is gonna come through that
front door with Lowell.

I mean, we've never seen Jen.

Yeah. There's got to be a reason.

- Yeah.
- Maybe she's really old.

You know?

Like, uh, Granny from
The Beverly Hillbillies.

- Hey, I could see Granny marrying Lowell.
- Yeah.

Look, how-how late do you
think this thing is gonna go?

'Cause I got a very important date

with taking off my
pants and watching TV.

I am way ahead of you on
that. Katie's gonna come down

around 9:30 and say
she's not feeling well.

End the night gracefully.

Nice. Nice.

We'll sick-kid 'em. I mean,
we spent a lot of money

on these kids, it's time
to get some use out of 'em.

Right?

(doorbell rings)

Hi, everybody. This is Jen.

He's alone. It's happening.

No, she's coming right behind me.

Oh, hi.

Dad, my birthday wish came true.

And that's when I realized I couldn't be

a swimsuit model forever.

So I opened my own agency.

- You were a model?
- Mm-hmm.

I-I can see that. Sure, sure.

Not to brag, but she
was the first one to say

"Why do we only show
cleavage from the front?

Why can't we show some from the side?"

You invented side-boob?

So how-how come we never
see you around school?

Well, I travel a lot for work.

And I hate to miss that stuff.

You know how it is when
you're a working mom.

You always feel guilty about something.

I do know that. Oh, my God.

I love her. She gets me.

Just like I get you, Adam.

This doesn't seem fair.

So how did you two meet?

Like,

what place are you two people

both going?

It's actually a pretty romantic story.

We were in the Peace Corps,
building schools in the Amazon.

What the... what? The Amazon?

One day, we were deep in the jungle

and I fell and broke my ankle.

And Lowell carried me
two miles back to camp.

You carried her?

Wait, this really happened?

Pick her up right now.

And this sweet, caring
man spent hours with me

each day while I recovered.

She would sleep and I
would just watch her.

First woman I ever dated who
didn't find that disturbing.

So anyway, just before I was sent home,

Lowell made me this little house

out of twigs that he wove together

to represent the home
we would live in someday.

And that sealed the deal.

L.L.W. Ladies love weaving.

So that's our story.
How did you two meet?

Uh, it was, uh, kind
of a similar situation.

Yeah, there was an injury.

Uh, Andi got thrown
off a mechanical bull.

And I treated the
pain with, uh, tequila.

L.L.T. Ladies love tequila.

(both laugh)

Mom, Dad,

I'm not feeling very well.

Yeah, yeah, just go to sleep.

But Mom told me to come down here...

No, I didn't. No, I didn't.

No, uh-uh. Nope.

No. Love you. Off you go.

Teenagers. (scoffs)

Um, so why don't you guys
go into the living room

and, uh, we'll bring in some coffees?

- Yeah.
- I'll help.

Okay.

(clears throat)

ANDI: Wow, Lowell,

she's so great.

I mean, who knew you
were such a secret stud?

(chuckles) Thanks.

I still have a lot to learn from Adam.

I'm not sure you do.

Well, I'm glad you guys like her.

(Adam chuckles)

Wow. We have a cool new friend couple.

I know, I can't believe we
were gonna sick-kid them.

No, we were gonna sick-kid
Lowell and Lowell in a dress.

Now, let's get in there and
party with our new friends.

We might even stay up past 10:00.

Ooh.

- Like we almost did on New Year's Eve.
- Yeah.

Where you guys going?

Oh, I'm so sorry. We just
got a text from our babysitter

that our daughter isn't feeling well.

So we have to go.

You have a sick kid?

Yeah. She probably has
the same thing Kate does.

Oh.

I'm sure she has exactly
the same thing Kate does.

- (Andi chuckles)
- Thanks for everything.

Nice to meet you guys.

- ANDI: You, too.
- Bye-bye.

Okay, bye-bye.

You know what just happened.

Yeah.

They sick-kidded us.

(scoffs)

(sighs)

You still want to stay up till 10:00?

Well, not if it's just us.

So, Lowell's wife is a hottie, huh?

She's all right.

Oh, come on.

All right, she's smokin'.

(laughing): Yeah.

And-and... and she's past the
kind of hot that makes you mad.

You just... you just want
to give her presents. I...

How do you think he pulled that off?

Well, I know what it is.

Lowell smells like a baby
and women love babies.

That's as good an explanation as any.

So are you guys gonna hang
out with those guys again?

Probably not. They sick-kidded us.

- Ooh.
- Ooh, that's rough, man.

Yeah, I mean, I was all
set for a night of partying

and then it was just me
wandering around the house

in my robe, looking
for my reading glasses.

- And they were on my head.
- Yeah.

Well, looks like you
guys are the number two

- couple now. (chuckles)
- Yeah.

- Just like we usually are.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Oh, come on. When we hang out,

you guys are the number one couple

and we're number two.

That's not true.

And you don't rank couples.

You rank colleges and football teams,

and, secretly, your kids.

You know how it is.
When we go to the movies,

you get the aisle seats,
you get to choose the candy.

Raisinets? What are you guys, 70?

I like Raisinets.

- Me, too.
- Yeah, what's wrong with that?

You know you can buy
your own candy, right?

Babe, maybe we should get
together with Lowell and Jen.

No, no, no. We call dibs.

Dibs have been called.
Everybody heard it.

Well, your dibs have no meaning

since they pretended to have a sick kid

just to get away from you.

Wha... no, no, no, no.

We don't know for sure
they were pretending.

Their daughter might
have actually been sick.

Yeah, kids get sick.

- It happens all the time.
- Yeah.

It's just funny to watch you
guys get all bent out of shape

being somebody's number two. (chuckles)

We are not number two.

Yeah, and I'll prove it to you.

I'm doing school pickup
tomorrow and I guarantee you

- their daughter is gonna be out sick.
- Yeah.

ADAM: Yeah and when that little girl

is sick, we are gonna laugh and laugh.

Well, you know what I mean.

(knocks on door)

Hey, butterbean.

Hey, Mrs. Rodriguez.

How's it going? How's your, uh...

whatever you have?

What do you want, Burns?

Well, uh, I was just wondering,

uh, was Lowell's
daughter in school today?

Lucy?

Well, I don't know.

Sure, let's say Lucy.

Yeah, she was here.

What? And she seemed okay? No sniffles?

No.

- Cough?
- No.

Pox of any kind?

Yeah, she was fine.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

I just...

We were at dinner with Lowell
and Jen the other night.

And they said their daughter
was sick and left early.

(laughs)

You got sick-kidded. (laughs)

See, that's when people make up that...

I know what it is.

Well?

She's perfectly healthy.

Son of a bitch!

I can't believe Lowell
and Jen would lie about

having a sick kid just
so they wouldn't have to

hang out with us.

I know, it seemed clever
when we thought of it,

but just hurtful when they did it.

You know what this is?

They think we're boring.

Us?

Boring?

(chuckles)

Do boring people go to Orlando?

I don't... (chuckles)

I'm just saying, we don't do
all the stuff we used to do

when we were younger.

Well, we're not as limber
as we were back then.

You know? I mean,

- with my back, I can't get around...
- No, no, no,

not that stuff. No!

This is just... it...
this is a wake-up call.

Oh, I hate wake-up calls.

Well, I mean, come on,

when we were 26,

we were super cool.

I mean, we used to hang out at bars,

and-and go to concerts, and...

stay awake for the end of movies.

I mean, did Matt Damon
ever get off Mars?

We don't know.

I mean, when-when was
the last time we went to,

I don't know, a play?

Last spring.

Harlem Globetrotters.

That's not a play.

Good defeats evil, it's like
the oldest story there is.

Just... doesn't last
night make you wonder if...

I don't know, we've slipped a little?

Come on, who cares if
we've slipped a little?

Huh? The whole point of being married

is that we don't have to do
interesting things anymore.

This is the time of our lives
to just stay home and eat.

Hmm?

We're fine, okay?

Okay.

Well, then...

why did Lowell and Jen bail on us?

I don't know.

I guess we were
expecting Granny Clampett,

so we half-assed the dinner.

Oh, my God, you're right.

We didn't bring our A game.

I mean, obviously, we
can do better, right?

Well, of course we can.

We're fun. We're Andi and Adam, damn it.

Hell yeah, we are, we're interesting.

Yeah... hey, hey! Hey.

Terry Bradshaw tried to
sleep with you on a plane.

(scoffs)

How did we not tell that story?

Because Jen was like a
flash grenade, you know?

We were stunned.

The lady invented side-boob.

I mean,

what kind of boob did we invent?

None.

Well, I accidentally
invented one in and one out

on a roller coaster.

Right, right,

when you flashed that
church group at Six Flags.

Yeah.

Yeah, another good story.

Yeah. Okay, you know what?

Here's what we're gonna do:

I'm gonna make some of my famous

ginger chicken soup,

and we're gonna casually
swing by their place,

and drop it off for their fake sick kid.

Nice, yeah, and they'll
have to invite us in

because that's what you do.

Yeah, and-and-and
we'll be charming,

and we'll-we'll give them our stories,

the Terry Bradshaw mile high club

and the roller coaster peek-a-boo.

Yeah, yeah... well, wait,

how will we know if we
turned this thing around?

Because they'll want to
make plans with us again.

We get the plans,
Adam and Andi are back.

(chuckles)

Where are you going?

To the store, I don't
have time to make soup.

- Hey!
- Hi, there!

Hey, guys.

Um, I-I made some soup

- for your sick daughter.
- Yeah, honey,

didn't you get the recipe for that soup

from Terry Bradshaw when
he tried to sleep with you

on an airplane?

Yeah, that is where I
got it, yeah. (chuckles)

I've got to hear the end of that story.

Come on in.

Wait, that is the end of the story,

there's no more story.

I don't know,

maybe just say you
slept with him. Come on.

Can I get you guys a drink?

I'm just muddling some limes.

Oh, what'd they ever do to you?

(all laugh)

- Stick to the stories.
- Yeah, okay.

Oh, hey, uh, Jen, is that
the house Lowell made for you?

- Yeah.
- That's really impressive.

Oh, wow. You know, uh,

Adam made a people-sized
house all by himself

when he was only 22.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And it fell down by the time he was 23.

Don? Marcy?

I was just giving them a
tour and we heard your voices.

We thought it'd be fun to
reach out to new friends.

You know, who might like

- different movie candy.
- Mm-hmm.

That's a very specific thing
to look for in a friend.

Lowell, let's take this soup in
the kitchen and we'll bring out

coffee and desserts for everyone.

- Oh, that's sweet, Jen.
- Oh, that's so nice.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

(laughing): Okay.

What are you doing here? We had dibs.

They disregarded our dibs.

Listen, you need to leave
so that Lowell and Jen

can see what an interesting
couple Andi and I are.

We are not leaving,
you guys had your chance

- and you screwed the pooch.
- Mm-hmm.

What...

Whoa, I wouldn't say
we screwed the pooch.

I mean, if anything,

we just... we-we underwhelmed the pooch.

Marcy, Don's only here so
he can see how hot Jen is.

That's why I'm here, too.

Us hot people, we like
to check each other out.

We're just looking around
for new couple friends since,

well, you guys made it
pretty clear the other night

- what you really think of us.
- Yeah.

You guys said all that.

Yeah, you didn't disagree.

No, we did disagree.

Yeah, but, you know,

- we didn't believe you.
- Yeah.

And we thought, if we're number two,

then we should upgrade

and be number two with them.

Yeah, us number twos are scrappy.

- We're survivors.
- Yeah.

Oh, they invited us to
take a trip with them

to see the wildflowers.

(gasps) They took our plans.

- We're number three!
- No.

Okay, honey, this is ridiculous.

All right? We don't need other people

to make us feel good about ourselves.

We're Adam and Andi.

- Yeah.
- Right?

I mean, Terry Bradshaw,

or a man that looked somewhat like him,

hit on me once.

- Wait, you're saying it wasn't actually...
- Oh, not now!

You're right, you're right,
let's just go say our good-byes.

Yeah, and the most important thing is

that we leave here with our dignity.

(chuckles) Yeah.

Hey, hi.

Oh, you don't need to weld our desserts.

We're, uh, we're taking off.

What? No.

Yeah, well, we don't want to impose.

I mean, you know what they say:

multiples of two is company,

and multiples of three is
a crowd. (awkward laugh)

But we don't want you to go.

Let me rephrase that,

I'm begging you not to go.

Look, Don and Marcy

are lovely people.

They're delightful, but...

Don looks at me like we're
stranded in a cartoon boat

and I'm a giant turkey leg.

And Marcy keeps asking
why Jen is with me.

Like, over and over.

It's starting to hurt my feelings.

That's terrible. What'd you say?

- (slaps leg)
- Ah!

But you made plans to go see
the wildflowers with them.

I didn't. I said we're driving
up to see the wildflowers

and Don yelled "Shotgun"

I just, I...

I thought you didn't like us very much.

What gave you that idea?

Well, because the other night,
you said Lucy was sick and...

And then she was in school today, so...

No, it's our little
one, Zoe, she has a cold.

(gasps)

I forgot they had a second kid.

I just got goose bumps.

But you knew someone was sick
or you wouldn't have made soup.

And what kind of person
would make up a sick child

to get out of something?

(both laughing nervously)
I have no idea.

So it's settled. You'll stay?

And you'll come with us
to see the wildflowers?

Uh.... sounds like a plan.

(chuckles)

Wildflowers with my hero.

I'm going to scrapbook
the dickens out of this.

If it doesn't have glitter
and a decorative border,

it didn't happen.

- Memories.
- Memories.

(Lowell and Adam chuckle)

Ah. They make sense now.

She's weird, too.

Yeah, but all I heard is we have plans

and we are back.

- (chuckles)
- Feels good.

(laughter)

What a lovely evening.

Yes, you are.

Yes, it was.

You are.

Well, this was fun.

But you two, I still don't get it.
(laughs)

Because we're soul mates. Deep breath.

Four, five.

(chuckles)

Jen, I'll get everyone's coats.
Why don't you check on Zoe?

Okay.

So are you guys still mad?

I didn't like that you had alone time

with them in the kitchen.

Look, we're sorry we made you feel

like number twos, all right?

We'll-we'll work on that.

Yeah, we don't want
to fight with you guys.

You're family and
you're our best friends.

Well, I'm sure some of it was our fault.

I mean, I don't really, but I
said it, and that's what counts.

So Lowell, huh?

(all scoff)

And I can't believe he built this house.

I know, pretty cool, huh?

I mean, look at the detail.

Every corner is perfect.

- Oh, my gosh!
- (all yelling)

Oh!

Whoa!

Oh, uh... oh.

- No, no, no!
- Okay.

Ah.

- Adam!
- Ah. Oh, here, here, here, here.

Here. Geez.

(Marcy and Don sigh
in relief, Andi spits)

Oh...

(spits)

Adam, what did you do?

- ANDI: Wait, where are you going?
- We got to go, our kid's sick!

- (door closes)
- What a couple of number twos!

Oh, my.

Uh, I'm not gonna say who did it,

but ask yourself, who
just ran out the door?

It's-it's okay.

Actually, uh, I didn't weave it,

I bought it from a
street vendor in Peru.

That guy was talented.

What I wove was the story

that went along with the house.

Oh. What are you gonna tell Jen?

I'll tell her Don b*rned it

and I'll be free from the shackles

of this lie forever.

Just promise me you'll keep my secret.

Uh, it's okay, Lowell,

everyone has secrets.

Andi's famous ginger chicken soup?

We bought it at a gas station.

It was really just chicken soup
that we poured ginger ale into.

- I'd throw it out.
- Yeah.