02x01 - The Silver Fox

[bunniefuu]

ADAM: You got us going to the opera

three nights in a row?

Just tell me what I did
wrong, and I won't do it again.

No, no. It's an arts
festival, all right?

The first night is opera,
the second night is ballet,

and then the third night is

(UNDER BREATH): jazz poetry.

Did you say "jazz poetry"?

Listen, I-I watched this Oprah thing

about how exposing
yourself to the fine arts

can maximize your life's potential.

You ever notice Oprah
doesn't have a husband?

Mom, you have to return this shirt.

Tiffany from school said
it was offensively boring.

Andi, Katie doesn't like
her shirt. We can't go out.

Here's what you do; you look Tiffany

straight in the eye, and you say,

"It doesn't matter what I wear

because there's a candle in
me that no wind can blow out."

Sure, I'll say that

if you tell me what school
you're transferring me to.

Oh.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, guys, that's the babysitter.

Hi.

I'm sorry, uh, I think you're
in the wrong neighborhood.

Are you looking for Coachella?

Adam, this is Sophia.

She volunteers down at the hospital.

- Oh.
- Hi. You must be Emme.

I'm the cute one you're not
gonna be able to say no to.

(LAUGHS) I was just thinking that.

I'm Ted. What's up, girl?

Don't say that.

You said it was a good
line for picking up babes.

Don't say that, either.

Uh, come on in.

Awesome.

And, Andi, come on out.

J-Just one... (CHUCKLES)

What have you brought into our home?

What's wrong with Sophia?

Oh, come on. What does she
do down at the hospital?

Just walk around and give
people a reason to live?

Plus, I thought Katie
was our babysitter now.

Well, yeah, but this is
three school nights in a row.

And I knew Kate would
be mad if I got a sitter,

so I got a young, cool
one that she'd like.

Andi, you made a rule in this house

that we would never
hire hot babysitters.

You said, "No one above a six"

She's a 60.

Yes, Adam, there was a
time that I didn't want

a young, hot girl hanging
around my husband, but...

it's fine now.

What is that supposed to mean?

You know, we're getting older...

Okay, don't include me in that.

I am not getting older.

I am maturing into a silver fox.

Okay? And what is more attractive

to a young woman than a silver fox?

A young, healthy fox?

Andi, the dad and the hot babysitter?

That's the premise of,
like, every good movie.

Alpha male providing for his family.

Young minx sees that, wants that,

decides to k*ll the wife

and make new babies with Mr. Alpha.

It's a whole aisle at the video store.

Okay, well, I'm gonna say,

if you think there's still video stores,

I got nothing to worry about.

They make these babysitter movies

because it's a real thing.

Let me tell you something,
I've been getting looks

from babysitters since... I was babysat.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

She drags me to this thing
and now she's sleeping?

She is gonna pay for this.

Oh, yeah.

So, how'd it go?

Oh, the kids were great.

You know, I think it's
so sweet that Teddy

wanted to sit on my lap
and get rocked to sleep.

Not a bad move, actually.

Well, the opera was amazing, okay?

I... feel like a
changed woman, you know?

ADAM: All right.

Well, we should
probably, uh, let you go.

And, uh, listen, if something comes up

tomorrow night, last minute,

and you can't make it,
I'll pay you double.

(LAUGHS) You're hilarious.

All right, see you tomorrow.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Did you hear that?

She thinks I'm hilarious.

It's starting.

Okay, clearly I hit a nerve,

but, you know, don't
take it personally, honey.

I mean, I'm getting older, too.

The stock boy at the grocery store

barely looks down my shirt anymore.

What stock boy? Brian?

I bought a candy bar for
his stupid basketball team

and he does me like this?

Hey, where's Sophia?

Oh, she just left.

Ugh. I wanted to show her...

What happened to you?

Uh... a little culture.

She is radiant.

Look, I just wanted to
say how awesome Sophia is.

She's super cool and
really easy to talk to.

Ah, I knew it. See?

I think moms are a little cooler
than you give us credit for.

Uh, honey, you got a
little, uh, a little...

- a little something on your...
- What? What?

- a little something right there.
- Where?

(GASPS) Adam!

I'm not even sorry, señor.

And then Andi basically says I'm too old

to be attractive to the hot babysitter.

That's crazy. It's the
babysitter and the dad.

Has Andi never been to the video store?

That's what I said.

By the way,

there's no more video
stores. Get with it, man.

Well, thank you for drawing

a semi-permanent mustache on my face.

Kept trying to rub it off,

but it just looked
like I was stroking it.

Hey, you were sleeping
with your mouth open.

You're lucky I didn't black out a tooth.

No, you didn't do that
because I fell asleep.

You did it because of what I said

about you and the babysitter.

- Oh.
- Oh, that's definitely why.

He was just talking about it.

Okay, well, enjoy the ballet.

I'll just be stuck at
home watching the playoffs.

Kate, why did you cut up your new shirt?

Oh, Sophia said to b*at
Tiffany at her own game

by making it cooler
than anything she wears.

But I bought one, too.

We were twinsies.

Well, you're not cutting up your shirt.

Stock Boy Brian is
getting an eyeful as it is.

Oh, and, uh, you don't have to
make dinner for me and Sophia.

She's bringing sushi.

But I'm always trying
to get you to eat sushi.

You said you hate it.

Sophia said I'd like it.

I said you'd like it.

But then Sophia said it.

Did you hear that?

She's gonna try sushi for Sophia?

Hope Sophia gets a chopstick in the eye.

Way to rise above it.

(SNIFFS)

You smell that? What is that?

Hey, Dad, Sophia's gonna be here soon.

How much cologne is too much?

You nailed it, buddy.

I don't see why you're
so bent out of shape.

I thought the whole
reason you hired Sophia

was so that Katie would like her.

It was.

And that's what happened.

I know.

- But now you seem mad.
- Oh, I'm mad.

Take it easy.

I mean, I-I'd go get you a wine,

but it's $17, and if I
go, I'm not coming back.

You know what? Sophia needs to be told

that there are boundaries.

Right? And I would
like for you to do that.

All right, I'll talk to her,
but I think you're overreacting.

I am not. I give Kate advice, all right?

Not some hotsy-totsy babysitter.

All right, her only job
is to heat up Hot Pockets,

give Teddy some cheap
thrills and get out.

What? We're not ballet people.

Hey.

How was night two?

Better, yeah. We both fell asleep.

Kate, you're still up
gabbing with your gal pal.

That's great. I love to
see you two getting along.

(ANDI CHUCKLES)

Adam.

What?

Adam.

What?

Adam.

Am I not saying, "What?"

I hear myself saying, "What?"

Oh, my God, we are having such a blast.

Sophia Instagrammed a
picture of my new top

and everyone liked it.

So, Tiffany had to. It
was total domination.

Mm-hmm. We owned her.

Give it up, girl.

(CHUCKLES)

I love the new secret
handshake, and I...

and-and I-I'm glad that Sophia's advice

worked out for you. Adam!

Oh! Okay, okay. I gotcha, I gotcha.

Uh, come on, honey. Let's
get you to bed. Come on.

See you tomorrow.

Can't wait.

Okay, keep it moving.

All righty, here you go.

Thank you.

Uh, actually, uh, now that we're alone,

we need to have a talk about boundaries.

The wife's a little upset.

Oh.

Well, then, I guess I'll just have

to try to behave myself around you.

Wh-Who? Me?

Me, me?

You know what I mean.

I knew it!

(CHUCKLES): Oh, my gosh.

You are just ridiculous.

(STAMMERING): O-Okay.

(CHUCKLING): Yeah, well, you...

That's, uh, that's me, ridiculous. Okay.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Buh-bye.

The silver fox.

So, did you talk to Sophia
about the boundaries?

Oh, I did. And what I learned is,

there is no boundary
strong enough to protect her

from my overwhelming silver foxiness.

What?

Okay, so what exactly happened?

She said, and I quote,

"Oh, my gosh, you are just ridiculous."

Is this the intermission,
or is that the whole story?

Okay, how about this?

When she was leaving, she
said, "See you tomorrow."

And her eyebrows were going
all over her face, like this.

Okay, Adam, I believe

that you believe something happened.

I'm telling you, this girl is
well on her way to k*lling you

and making me give her babies.

I'm gonna roll the dice on that one.

Fine.

But when you're a ghost
floating over the bed,

watching us make
babies, you'll be sorry!

ADAM: Andi doesn't believe me,

but I'm telling you, I was getting

major vibes from the babysitter.

She was eye-snacking me.

All the ladies love Adam.

I went to froyo with him, and
the girl behind the counter

upgraded him to a
waffle cone, no charge.

She wouldn't even give me a water cup.

Enjoy your youth, son.

I used to be a porch light
for every moth in town.

I think this whole thing is a sign

that Andi and I are getting
complacent in our marriage.

I drew a mustache on my own wife
like she was a drinking buddy.

I wouldn't have done
that five years ago.

Well, I don't know, everybody says

the best time in a
marriage is when you get

really comfortable with each other.

Well, everybody is wrong.

Okay. You know what every
marriage really needs?

- Trust?
- Trust? No. Gross.

No, the thing that
keeps the romance alive

in a marriage is fear.

Both people need to think
they got someone better

than they deserve, so they
bust their butts to hang on.

Fear is the... the special sauce.

Fear, huh?

Now, does this special sauce work

if only the husband is scared?

I'm asking for a friend.

Honey, I want to apologize
for the jazz poetry.

Yeah, why would anyone put those
two terrible things together?

It's like getting a root
canal during a colonoscopy.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- That's funny.

I'm... You know, I'm
afraid to even go in there.

I mean, if Kate and Sophia
have another new handshake,

I'm gonna start pulling hair.

Andi, the big deal isn't what
Sophia's doing with Katie,

it's what Sophia wants
to do with Mr. Alpha.

And I'm gonna prove it to you.

So, buckle up, I am about to go

full silver fox on the babysitter.

Wait. Are you the silver
fox or are you Mr. Alpha?

I'm alpha silver fox.

This is for you, baby, okay?

- No, Adam, wait.
- No, no.

You just watch her eyebrows.
They tell the whole story.

Hey.

You survived jazz poetry. How was it?

Ugh. It was like getting a
root canal during a colonoscopy.

(CHUCKLES)

A colonoscopy. I think
my dad had one of those.

Okay, why don't we just, uh, pay Sophia

and let her go on her way?

Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure.
But first, let me just,

uh, get this jacket
off... It's so tight.

(GROANS)

When you swing a hammer for a living,

everything gets bigger and stronger...

Adam, you really don't have to do this.

No, no, no. Open the window.

I'm about to turn up the heat.

Oh, hey, Sophia,

look at that.

Emme left her doll on the floor.

I'll-I'll get it.

I guess I'll just bend
over... Probably the best way.

Okay. Okay, Magic Mike, show's over.

Hey, my roommate

just texted me and said
that she can't pick me up.

Is there any way I
could catch a ride home?

Oh, yeah, sure. Adam can take you.

For what it's worth, I liked your moves.

Night.

Night.

What are you doing to me?

I was dying when you were
showing off your arms.

What? Where were the eyebrows?

You were in a coma over there.

You talked to me about boundaries,

and your wife was right there.

Well...

But she won't be on the ride home.

It'll just be you and me and those arms.

I'll be waiting in the car.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Uh-oh.

I was too sexy.

I need a Tums.

Andi, you need to come downstairs now.

- What's wrong?
- Alpha silver fox is being hunted!

There's been an escalation.

Sophia is gonna jump me in the car.

You have to drive her home.

What? Adam, I...

Oh, I know what this is.

You're having a midlife crisis.

No, no, no. That's not it.

No, it happens to everyone, okay?

We just have to cheer you
up. Do you want a tattoo?

Or a Jet Ski? Hmm?

I don't get it. I-I'm telling
you this girl's into me,

and you're sending me off
into the night with her.

(SCOFFS) Meanwhile, Katie tries sushi,

and you get jealous and make
me have talks about boundaries.

Let me tell you something,
Katie is 15 years old.

It's normal for her to ignore her mother

and take advice from a friend.

Did you listen to your
mother when you were 15?

Oh, hell no. I'd still have a perm.

Exactly. And that's
normal. And thank God.

Yeah.

But what's not normal is

we are losing our special sauce.

Our special what?

Special sauce, Andi! Our special sauce!

If I tell you a girl
is making moves on me,

you should care.

You're right.

Thank you.

I did overreact about Kate.

Are you kidding me?

Fine. I'll drive her home,

but I am not responsible
for what happens.

I'm not doing it!

ANDI: So, Sophia,

last couple days, I've
been feeling a little...

jealous.

Uh-oh.

And I know you had a conversation

with my husband about boundaries.

He told you about that?

No, no, no, no, no. I-I
just wanted to tell you,

I'm cool with it.

Yeah, I mean, if it
works for the two of you,

works for me.

Wow.

You're very open-minded.

I know.

In fact, I mean,

I don't want to intrude, but, um,

it would be great if
sometime all three of us

could be together while
you're doing your thing.

You know, maybe I could
pick up some new tricks.

I've never done that before,
but the more the merrier, I say.

That's the spirit. (LAUGHS)

We're gonna have some fun, Sophia.

Yeah, most wives aren't this
open to sharing their husbands.

Well, yeah, you know...

What now?

You're leaving me at the police station?

I was gonna leave you
by the side of the road,

but I'm a mother, and I
wanted you to get home safe.

And you know what, I'll tell you this.

I don't need any help in
the bedroom, all right?

I have been having sex
longer than you've been alive.

And I should've stopped
talking, but I still win!

What...?

And then, I just got crazy jealous,

and I left her at the police station.

Ah, there's the special sauce.

Huh?

(CHUCKLES): Oh.

Now, you were saying there was some talk

about some kind of group thing?

That's crazy. Right?

Yes, it's crazy.

That's what I said. I
didn't say anything else.

I guess the really good news is

that I'm married to
the silver alpha fox.

- That's all I wanted to hear.
- (CHUCKLES)

By the way, it's "alpha silver fox."

Get this. Sophia's Instagram
idea made Tiffany totally mad.

Now she's having a party
and just posted a list

of who's not invited... look.

"Not invited list: O.J. Simpson,

a ball of rats, Katie Burns."

Ooh. That's not a
list you want to be on.

Sophia's plan totally backfired.

Mom, what am I gonna do?

Aw. I'm so glad you asked.

Okay... but first,
l-let's do the thing.

Seriously?

Do the thing with your mother.

(GIGGLES)

Now we're handshake twinsies.

Listen, it just so happens

that the night of the
party, Lady Gaga's in town.

So, what do you say we go to that

and Instagram the heck out of it?

- I'm so down!
- (LAUGHING)

Oh, and you don't have to
worry about Sophia anymore.

You will never see her again.

Really? What happened?

She hit on your dad.

Gross. (CHUCKLES)

She's, like, a hundred
years younger than you.

(LAUGHS)

- I would like the Jet Ski to be red.
- Okay.