03x01 - Wife-Proof

[bunniefuu]

Hey, the flip-house looks great.

Are you cleaning?

No, I'm robbing the
place. Yes, I'm cleaning.

Andi starts work with us tomorrow,

and you know what I realized
at 2:00 this morning?

I didn't think this through.

Well, I don't think anything through

and I sleep like a baby.

She's gonna be here all the time.

So I came up with a
solution, I'm wife-proofing.

Oh, it's like baby-proofing,
but so you don't end up crying.

Exactly. Hey, like,
look at our fridge, huh?

It's full of work beers.

Wives don't understand
the concept of work beers.

At NASA, they had an open
bar in mission control

and they still landed on the moon.

I don't think they had that.

I know space history,
that's my area, okay?

Oh.

I've got to get rid of these
Sausage McMuffin wrappers.

Andi sees me have breakfast at home,

she doesn't need to know I
have second breakfast here.

Andi won't be mad; it's a second
breakfast, not a second wife.

No, she won't get mad,

but she will want to have
a conversation about it.

"Why do you need a second breakfast?"

"Are you swallowing feelings?"

The problem is,

wives want to dive into stuff.

But there's no deep end in the man pool.

It's three feet all the way across.

We keep it simple, and
we get stuff done, huh?

Oh, which reminds me.

What do we do if Andi's here
and we get done with work early?

The usual: We hit the batting
cages, eat some hotdogs.

Second lunch, you taught me that.

No, no, because then Andi will wonder

why do I want to hang out with the guys?

Why don't I want to be home?

So from now on,

if we finish work early, we say,

"Wow, we finished work early
for the first time ever.

Let's rush right home and
be with our families." Hmm?

That doesn't sound like us.

We're gonna have to call the hotdog guy

and let him know we're okay.

Also, Don, I have terrible news.

You have to take down
your tool girl calendar.

No. Not Donny's Angels.

I'll just put Post-its
over their naughty bits,

and then we can lift them
up like little skirts.

If you don't take it down,
Andi's gonna have questions.

"Why do you feel the need
to look at other women?"

"Is Marcy not enough for you?"

I love Marcy. When she makes
a calendar, I'll buy that.

Take it down.

And don't put it in your
desk; you'll spend all day

with your head in the drawer.

Hey, Dad,

- thanks for taking the kids to school.
- My pleasure.

It's your first day
working with your wife,

so I wanted to be here
to say "nice knowing you."

I think I'll be all right.

You're gonna be together
all day, every day.

She's gonna get a real long look at you.

And the more they
look, the more they see.

Who're you talking to, huh?

I already wife-proofed the trailer.

I hid stuff like a good husband.

Good morning, fellas.

This is it, honey.

You and me working together.

Hey, can we hold hands at
the office? Probably not.

I won't. I might. I don't
know. Aren't you excited?

Of course I am. Yeah. I'm so excited,

I am gonna hold your hand right
now, what do you think of that?

I like it.

Working together's already so fun.

Give it time.

Hey, guys, we made you something.

Wh...?

Mom and Dad lunch boxes. Cool.

You guys are so sweet.

Well, we just think it's great you guys

are starting this new chapter together.

It's going to be wonderful.

Well, we love you guys.
Have a great day at school.

I bet their day won't
be as great as ours.

Uh, definitely not.

You guys are adorable.

Have fun.

20 bucks says they won't make it a week.

I'll take that action.

Here she is.

Can we get a warm welcome

for our new interior
decorator, Andi Burns?

I mean it, clap.

Thank you, thank you.

Don't get me used to that or
you'll have to do it every day.

Man, it's clean in here.

Is it?

Hey, where is Don's nudie calendar?

Oh. Oh, I took that
down because I got tired

of looking at half-naked ladies.

You got to grow up sometime.

- We're so proud of him.
- Uh-uh.

Did you change things for me?

I mean, did you, like, wife-proof?

Wife-proof?

What's that?

You can't just make up words.

Listen, honey, don't think
of me as your wife here, okay?

Nothing has to change.

I am just one of the guys.

Well, since you're one of
the guys, I should tell you

that somebody's wife is
coming in today, so be cool.

I'm serious, I can hang.

Then great. I'm gonna
put my calendar back up.

I didn't grow out of it at all.

If anything, the older I
get, the more I need it.

Although, it does make me wonder,

why do you feel the need
to look at those girls?

There it is.

You can't say "wife" without "why."

Hey, Donny's Angels
are Donny's business.

Maybe Adam was right to be
worried about you working here.

He said he was worried?

You told me you were excited.

I-I am excited.

Let's hear it again for Andi Burns.

So you told them you were
worried about working with me.

To be honest, when I hear you say it,

it doesn't sound like something I'd say.

Right, guys? Back me up here.

Wow, we finished early
for the first time ever.

Let's rush right home
to be with our families.

Okay, fine.

If I was worried about
anything, it's that...

it's that you like to dig into things

and talk about people's feelings.

Why this? Why that? Why? Why? Why?

Why does that bother you so much?

At home it's great,

it's tolerable, it's great.

But in this office, we like to
keep things nice and shallow.

Okay? Otherwise, you open
up a whole can of worms

and we don't get any work done.

And believe me, those two
guys have got a lot of worms.

Well, I don't want to
get in the way of work.

Okay, I can be shallow.

That's my girl.

Yeah.

Put Don's nudie calendar back up

and I won't ask why he likes it.

Even though it's a clear
indication of deeper problems.

Great. I-It's in Lowell's drawer.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I-I know. That
calendar's a little much.

We'll skip December.

Mrs. Claus does not
hold a wrench like that.

No, no. Look at this.

It's a lease for an apartment
Lowell rented a month ago.

- Why would he rent an apartment?
- I don't know.

He has a house with a wife and kids.

Do you think he and Jen split up?

How's his mood? Does he seem okay?

H... These are not
shallow questions, honey.

Okay? Around here, we like
to stick to stuff like,

"What kind of sauce is that?"

Sorry, you're right, I agreed.

Thank you. All right.

Now, let's get to work, huh?

Okay, that thing I just agreed to?

I don't want to do that anymore.

Um, you have to talk to Lowell.

But it's none of our business.

Okay? If he wanted to talk about
it, he would've talked about it.

Well, maybe he doesn't feel
comfortable talking about it

because you don't make him feel
comfortable talking about it.

You know what you're doing right now?

You're opening up a can of worms.

And you know what worms catch?

The fish of truth.

Look how happy you
are with yourself, huh?

It's like your face thinks
what you said makes sense.

I'm sorry, Adam, you
have to talk to Lowell.

There's no other choice.

There's lots of other choices.

Like ignoring it. I choose that choice.

I told you there'd
be trouble on day one.

Pay up, shorties.

Will you take a mini Snickers?

Damn right I will.

Lowell rented an apartment.

That's the kind of thing people do

when their marriage is breaking up.

So go check on your friend.

You know we got no
work done today, right?

This is why I was reluctant
for you to come to the office.

Oh, so now it's reluctant.

It's gone from worried to reluctant.

Stop listening to my
words and let me talk.

Hmm?

Okay, well, if you want
to talk, go talk to Lowell.

Share your feelings with him
and then report back to me.

I don't want to do
that. I work with him.

That's right, he's part
of your work family.

That is a phrase that a wife made up,

That's not a real thing.

Okay, but aren't you curious

why he rented an apartment?

No, I am never curious why.

When the NASA guys were
boozing it up in mission control

and someone said let's go to
the moon, nobody asked why.

Okay, you don't have to talk to Lowell.

Oh.

We can just sit here and talk
about why you don't want to.

Oh. I'll go.

Oh.

Another piece of space history for you.

The reason those guys
wanted to go to the moon

is they were all married.

I don't get it. Why do I have
to come to Lowell's apartment?

Nobody gets to ask me why anymore.

You're so tense, maybe you need
an apple juice or something.

I brought you with me
just in case Andi's right

and Lowell's all emotional.

You're like a funny
thing for him to look at.

This is it.

All right, let's do this.

You and me together, brother.

Adam. How'd you find me?

We came to make sure you were all right.

Who's we? Me and...

What?

I'll be in the car. You got this.

Andi found the lease to
this place and thinks maybe

you and Jen split up or something.

Oh. Well, everything's great.

I knew it. Of course it is.

Jen and I are just exploring the
adventure of marital separation.

You did split up.

W-Why didn't you say anything?

It's only temporary.

More of a housing glitch than anything.

The glitch being she chases me
away when I go near our house.

Okay. Uh, that sounds like something

you might want to share feelings about.

I'm ready. Do it. Just do it.

I don't want to talk about it.

There are no feelings here.

That's good. Great.

Keep it inside like a man.

Hey, you got any beer?

We can celebrate your independence.

- I only have light beer.
- Perfect!

Light beer, because
we keep it light, huh?

Oh.

This is where you're staying?

It's cozy.

I eat there,

I sit there,

sometimes, I walk over there,

but then I come back over here,

because this is where the party happens.

You don't even have a TV.

A TV, Lowell!

I don't mind.

I just tape my phone to
the wall and watch that.

Okay. I guess that's something.

Wait. Where's the bed?

I grabbed my daughter's
sleeping bag on the way out.

But it's three feet long.

That's okay. These days, I
sleep in the fetal position.

You said there wouldn't be feelings.

That gives me a big feeling, Lowell!

I'm sorry.

Do you want to walk
over there for a second

and come back over here? It helps me.

All right, get your stuff.

You're coming with me.

- Really?
- Well, I can't leave you here.

You have no TV. You'll die!

So Lowell's staying with us?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Are you happy now?

I am happy. I think it's a
good thing I went to work today.

When I ask, "Are you happy
now?", it means I'm not happy.

Okay, well, after we help
Lowell, we'll help you.

Oh. Pantry!

Don't... don't you see what you did?

If I don't know about stuff,
I don't have to fix it.

That's why I turn off
the UNICEF commercial

before they show the kids.

Otherwise, it's too sad, and
I end up buying 'em a goat.

You know how many goats are
running around villages named Adam?

They-they don't name the goats after...

Yes, they do. Yes, they do.

You put me in this position!

Oh. So you're mad

because I think you're a good person?

I don't love it.

And now, thanks to you, I got
a giant sad kid on my couch,

and I got to fix it.

Because you're a sweet
and sensitive man.

That's a low blow, Andi.

Why didn't you tell us
you and Jen split up?

Because it's just temporary.

Yeah, Lowell explained to us

that he's giving Jen some space

while she temporarily

sleeps with her
horse-riding instructor.

Yeah, the whole car ride home
was one long UNICEF commercial.

I have a question.

She's with a horse guy, right?

It makes me wonder.

Do you think "roll in the hay" comes

from doing it in the hayloft?

Maybe let's save the
questions for the end.

Guys, I'm fine.

I'm sure we'll be back together soon.

I-I have another question.

No, no, no. No.

It's a real one.

If she did this to you,

why do you want her back?

Every so often, he surprises you.

Like a whale surfacing
next to your kayak.

Startling, but beautiful.

Yeah.

I want her back because she's my...

We've been...

Why do I want her back?

I was a great husband

and she wasn't that good a wife.

This is a little thing,

but she never once replaced
an empty toilet paper roll.

I think she did it just
to make me duck-walk

around the house with my
pants around my ankles.

Ah, yes, the march of the penguins.

I deserve better!

You know what? You really do.

And you're on my team now,

and no one screws with my team.

I want to do something.

I just... I don't know what.

I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

Look at him. He's gonna
buy that kid a goat.

You and the team are gonna
go over to your house,

get all your stuff and let Jen
know that you are moving on.

- Yes!
- Right?

- No.
- Why?

We can't. Her and the
girls are at her parents',

and she changed the locks on our house.

What? She changed the locks
on you after what she did? Oh.

I really want to slap this girl
right in the sweet potatoes.

Oh.

So we'll just break in.
Then when she gets back

and sees that all your stuff is gone,

she'll be in for a big surprise.

- Yeah, a mean surprise.
- Yeah.

Like I got the day I came to
pick her up early at the barn.

Let's not look back. Let's look forward.

I bet she was looking
back, though, right?

What? I've been good this
whole time. I don't get one?

Shh!

Oh. Okay. Let go. Let go!

Ooh.

This is like when Dad tried
to save money on the pony ride.

- Just go.
- No, you go ahead.

- Okay, I'm taking you with me.
- What? What?

What are you doing?

Hiding the remote under the cushion.

Try and change the channel now, Jen.

You'll have to walk to
the TV like a sucker.

Okay, let's just get Lowell's
stuff and get out of here.

Relax. Nobody saw us break in.

We were sneaky, like ninjas.

Shady Side Security.

Shh.

They don't know we're in here.

I know you're in there.

One of you is wearing light-up shoes.

I told you not to wear
those stupid shoes.

Marcy and I are going
power-walking after this.

Safety first, guys.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What are you gonna say?
- Don't worry. I got this.

Thank God you're here.

These violent criminals
broke into my house.

Look, Mr. Franklin,
your wife told the office

you two separated and to keep
an eye out for you, so, let's go.

Wait a minute. Where's the other guy?

What other guy?

They don't pay me
enough to care. Come on.

If I ever become a criminal,

this is the first
neighborhood I'm hitting.

I can't believe Adam ditched us.

I thought if anybody'd
run away, it'd be you.

Well, I wouldn't have gotten very far.

The faster I move, the
brighter my shoes blink.

Why did I hide the remote?

I should've taken it!

Everyone loves finding the remote.

Now she's gonna find it and be happy.

That's not payback!

Where have you been?

Well,

while you jokers were getting caught,

I hid in the closet like a ninja.

You can't just say normal things
and then add "like a ninja."

I ate a meatball
sandwich... like a ninja.

Don't step on my moment, Andi.

I'm getting to something good.

Okay, now, I didn't get
your clothes, because...

well, honestly, I couldn't
tell the difference

between yours and Jen's.

But I did find a way

to make her very unhappy.

This is my gift to you.

Her toilet paper?

He took her toilet paper!
That's so imaginative.

Huh? Every roll in the house.

Who's gonna be doing the
march of the penguins now?

- Oh, that is good.
- Yeah.

Plus, it saves me a run to Costco.

Yeah. Yeah. And now,

there's no one there to replace it.

She is gonna regret
the day she let you go.

- Every time she has to go.
- Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Now that is payback.

Enjoy the duck walk.

Quack quack, Jen.

Thank you for this.

You're welcome.

You hug like a ninja.

Thank you, Lowell.

Okay, Lowell is out cold.

He really does sleep
in the fetal position.

I tried to straighten him out,

and he just snapped right
back, like a curly hair.

Sorry we didn't get
much work done today.

Eh, we've done less.

Well, I-I'm serious.

I don't want me being at
work to stress you out.

I mean, in one day, you went

from excited to worried to reluctant.

Honey, that's just the three stages

of working-with-your-wife grief.

Okay, and now, I am at the fourth stage:

joyful acceptance.

So no more wife-proofing?
No more hiding things?

Uh-uh. Oh. I do have
one small confession.

- What?
- I got a huge crush on the new guy.

Aw.

No, seriously, I'm glad you were there.

If it wasn't for you, I never
would've known about Lowell,

and I think we helped him.

You know, he's got a TV now.

And sometimes, that's
better than a family.

You are very wise.

Hmm. Like a...?

Huh?

Like a ninja.

Yeah.

I made you say that... like a ninja.