03x03 - Put Him on the Ground

[bunniefuu]

So, then
I said to the eye doctor,

"I can't see it.
I can't see it.

I can see it.
It's gone again."

And he said
I was very special,

and I might be eligible
for a service dog.

Great story, Ma.

And that clocked in at just
under 12 minutes.

Yeah.
And she's told it to everybody...

The grocer,
the pharmacist,

some poor bastard
who was holding

- the door for her.
- Shh.

Hey, there's
my thoughtful husband.

All right, what is it?

Last time
she called me thoughtful,

I had to clean a pound of hair
out of the drain.

That kid Julian is coming over
for a playdate with Emme,

but I have to take Kate
to the doctor,

so you have to
watch them.

Honey, I thought we agreed
no more Julian.

That kid's the worst.

Well,
maybe while he's here,

he'll see
how nice people behave,

and it'll rub off on him.

Yeah, only a mom
would say that.

It's sweet
and packed full of lies.

Dads know better.

Joe, there's no difference
between moms and dads.

Did you just roll your eyes?

No, no, I was making sure

all the light
bulbs are working.

Okay, I know it's not popular
to say these days,

but there are some things
dads are better at.

The fact that
we're so annoying

and you keep marrying us
proves my point.

We keep marrying you
because we're optimists

and they make the lids
on pickle jars too tight.

Well, he-he's not saying
dads are better than moms.

You're not saying
that, are you?

I said dads are better
at some things.

Okay, moms are better
at some things, too.

Okay. Like what?

Don't say cooking
and cleaning, boy.

Okay, uh,
if we're the same,

would you like to take care of
that dead squirrel on the roof?

I would totally do it, but I
saw an owl fly away with it.

And I know it was a mom owl
because she handled it

like a boss
and then didn't spend

the next two hours
bragging about it. Ha!

Am I right?
Hey, hey.

Oh, high five. Fun.

Sorry I'm late.

I found a YouTube channel
of cats punching dogs.

Ooh.

Is it better
than chickens wearing pants?

I don't want to get political.

Now that Don is here,
I think we should talk

about your knee surgery.- .

It's in a couple of weeks,

and the doctor said he should
hire a home health care nurse

for during the rehab,
but he won't agree.

I don't want some stranger in
my house going through my stuff.

What stuff?
You mean that jug of nickels?

Hey, when the world
goes to hell,

the guy with the jug of nickels
is gonna be living like a king.

I got a can of dimes.
Smaller and twice the value.

You're a good boy, Donny.

So, about this nurse...
I'm not listening

to any more
of this nurse stuff.

I'll be with the TV.

When I push mute,
it stops talking.

Did he really leave,
or can I just not see him?

He's going through the couch,
looking for nickels.

Hey, Joe, I get half
of whatever you find.

Boys,
your dad's gonna need help,

and I can't get him
to listen to reason.

He was much easier to control

when he was getting
that medical marijuana.

Well, his dealer was 85.

It was time to retire.

Someone needs to talk him into
getting a nurse,

and there's one person
at this table he'll listen to.

Oh, Ma.

That's why I need help
from his favorite son... Don.

What?

Oh, ho, hoh!
Dodged that b*llet.

I heard it whistle past my ear,
and then it hit you.

'Cause you're a good boy, Donny.

Hey, that weird kid's
looking at you.

Hello, Julian.

Listen, buddy.

Tell your kids
to give me the swing.

Well, buddy,
you just had your turn,

and it's Emme's turn now.

I don't care.
I want to swing now.

Hey, we have something
in common.

I don't care, either.

You're a butthead.

You're a butthead.

Two against one.

I guess you're a butthead.

I really
don't like that kid.

He does have
some good comebacks.

So, listen,

how am I supposed to get Dad
to agree to a home nurse?

Good luck. He never changes
his mind about anything.

He still drops his film
at the Foto Hut

even though it's a frozen
yogurt place now.

Hey, what are you
doing here?

It's still your turn.

Julian pushed me off the swing.

What?
Teddy, did you see this?

Yeah, he pushed her right off.

And you didn't do anything?

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Okay, Julian can't think

pushing your little sister
is okay.

Good thing there's a dad here.

Teddy...

put him on the ground.

I don't think Mom...

Mom is not here.

Put him on the ground.

Okay.

Hey, you pushed me!

He did it.

My son defended his sister.

Turn away, Don.
You might see me cry.

*MAN WITH A PLAN*
Season 03 Episode 03

*MAN WITH A PLAN*
Episode Title: "Put Him on the Ground"

So, Butterbean,
Daddy was totally right

to tell Teddy
to put Julian on the ground.

But that's not the kind of thing
that Mommy'd understand.

Okay, so, let's play
a little game

and see who can keep this secret
the longest.

I bet I can keep it until I die.

This is gonna be fun.

Yeah. Okay, now, where's Teddy?
I have to tell him, too.

- He's outside playing basketball.
- Okay.

And then I put Julian
on the ground,

just like Dad told me to.
Right, Dad?

Kids, go upstairs. I need
to talk to your father.

Okay, when are we gonna be old
enough to stay for one of these?

I'm gonna be married someday,
and I need to know how to do it.

I'm going.

You told Teddy to push Julian?

Yes, I did.

But we don't push people.

No, you don't,
'cause you're a mom.

Come on, join the dads.

It's fun over here.
We push people.

There is no difference between
moms and dads.

Look, will you just
trust me on this?

I handled it.
It's dad time now.

Okay, but...

- ..this is gonna blow up in your face.
- Hmm. Wha...?

And when it does,
I'm gonna say "I told you so,"

'cause that's something
moms are good at.

I think I did society a favor.

There's too many people
walking around out there

who don't know they're boneheads

because they didn't get put
on the ground as kids.

Did you get put on the ground
as a kid?

Of course I did.

And yet you're still a bonehead.

My point stands.

- But that was a good one.
- That was a good one, yeah.

Yeah,
that was a good one.

So, I have to warn you.

My dad's not real keen
on getting a nurse.

Maybe you should
take off those scrubs

so Joe isn't put off
when he walks in.

Oh, I think he might be more
put off by a topless male nurse.

Your résumé looks good.

Ten years experience,
rave recommendations.

At the top it says Funchy.
What's that?

Oh, that's me.

I've got "fun" right in my name.

And "chi."

Oh, here comes Joe.

Let us do the talking.
We had to trick him

to get him to come down here.

Hey.

Is this the guy selling the
secret recipe for Coca-Cola?

Uh, we actually brought you here
to meet Funchy,

a home health care nurse
for after your knee surgery.

All right, listen up.

I'm gonna talk to you

the same way you talk
to everybody else.

This is the guy.
He's your nurse,

so no bellyaching.

Okay, you win.

- Okay.
- I'll just grab a drink,

and then we can
start the interview.

Then he just walks out the door.
It was the perfect trick.

It doesn't sound
like much of a trick.

He just
lied and left.

Well, the simplicity is
what made it perfect.

It's like ice. It's
just frozen water,

but it changed the world.

Dad,

Teddy was using
my mascara brush

to make it look
like he had chest hair.

I just wanted to see what
it's gonna look like on me.

It's gonna look so good,

you won't mind
that's it's also on your back.

Oh, hey.

Your Uncle Don told me
you pushed a kid down.

- All right, I don't need any more lectures.
- No, no.

I'm proud.
He always seemed a little soft.

Next time,
go for the windpipe.

You can't fight if
you can't breathe.

Wait, so you agree with me?

Because Andi came out
pretty strong against it.

She's soft,
just like Teddy used to be.

Oh, there's my boy.

I heard about what happened,

and I wanted to give you
my old boxing gloves.

If you need it to be over quick,
there's a hole inside

where you can slip in
a couple of batteries.

Kapowie! Hmm?

All right, all right,
take it easy, champ.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Hey, Kate, you want to go upstairs
and see if I can take a punch?

Yeah, all right.

Hey, guys.

What's the occasion?

Well, the occasion
is everybody agrees with me

about Teddy putting that kid
on the ground.

Yeah. You said it was
gonna blow up in my face,

but the only thing on my face

is a big smile
from being right.

Am I really the only voice
of reason around here?

I hate to say it, but
this all comes back

to dads are just better
at some stuff than moms.

It doesn't even make sense.

Marcy agrees with you,
and she's a mom.

Sorry.
It's not the gender.

It's how your
relationship works.

And in our relationship,
he's the mom.

You tell 'em,
Big Daddy.

Did you get Dad

to agree to that nurse yet?

Or did he pull
another Mission: Impossible

and just walk out
right in front of you?

Don't worry about me.
I still got a few tricks up my sleeve.

Yeah? If you don't
get dad a nurse,

the only thing up your sleeve
is gonna be sudsy water

when you're giving Dad
a sponge bath.

Maybe I'll hold on to
these nurse résumés.

Now that I'm single,
I don't have anyone

to take care of me
if something happens.

Plus, the company would be nice.

I wish they had a thing
for single guys

where you could pay someone
to hang out with you

on lonely nights.

They have that.

Yeah, they'll even dress up
like a nurse if you want.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

I'm surprised you came
into work today.

Considering how right
I was about Teddy,

I thought you might call in wrong.

Well, you'd be wrong.

Yeah, 'cause I just had
an interesting conversation

with Teddy's school.
He spent the morning

pushing kids at recess.

What?! Sweet little Teddy
took it to the streets?

As a mom,
I don't condone that.

I didn't tell him
to push other kids.

Do you remember
what I told you?

That this was gonna
blow up in your face?

Let's not
live in the past.

Let's be about the future.

Well, the future is gonna be me
telling you, "I told you so."

I told you so.
Welcome to the future.

Principal Collins,
we are so sorry.

I mean, I-I'm sorry
because he's my kid, and,

well, he's sorry
'cause it's all his fault.

Told you so.

Look, Teddy is a good kid.

He just got
a little carried away.

I don't think we
have to overreact.

Well, due to our zero tolerance
policy on fighting,

I'm placing him in detention
for the rest of the week.

I was just protecting
little kids from bullies.

Well, that changes everything.

We are all against
bullying here, I... I hope.

You're not
pro-bully, are you?

Of course not.

I thought I was just
acting like Batman.

There you go. Huh?

You wouldn't put Batman
in detention, would you?

Another option might be to
give him a little Batsuit

and let him do
his thing.

People think I'm
funny at work.

Okay, that's it.
You are off the job.

It is Mom time now.

Mom time. That's funny.

Oh.

This is not my crowd.

You are in
big trouble, mister.

You can't go around
pushing people.

All right? You use your words,
or you get an adult.

What if that adult is Dad,
and he tells me to shove them?

Don't take me down with you.

We sleep in the same room.

It is never okay, ever.

What if someone's
picking on Emme,

and my words don't work,
and there's no adults around?

Well...

Well...

Well, y...

You stumped her, pal.

What a week for you.

I'm not stumped, okay?

I'm just
taking a moment to figure out

how to explain
that obviously...

the answer is...

something I'm gonna tell
your dad in the other room.

- Dad?
- Hmm?

Am I still in trouble?

I think things are looking up
for both of us.

Yes, darling?

Look, I-I don't know
what to say to him.

I mean, I don't want anybody
pushing my daughter, /

but as a mom, I can't tell him
to push another kid.

- Hmm. So you want me to talk to him?
- Yeah.

- Because you're the mom.
- Yeah.

And I'm the...

What am I again?

Rhymes with "glad."

Bonehead?

Going down swinging.
I respect that.

Okay. Fine,
you're the dad,

and there's differences
between moms and dads.

Now I really need you
to handle this!

It feels so good to be right.

This must be what it
feels like to be you.

All right.

Teddy,

step into the elevator
and let's take a ride up

to the men's department.

Okay?

Here's the deal.
You can't police the world.

Using your words is your first
and best option.

But sometimes...
if your words don't work,

you do what you have to do
to protect your family.

That is the code
that we live by, hmm?

You're making it sound
like the mob.

Yes!
Thank you, Andi.

Thank you.
We are like the mob.

Okay? And like the mob,

if you do the crime,

you do the time.

So, it's detention at school,

and I want you to apologize to
those kids from the playground.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So does our mob include
my girlfriend?

You have a girlfriend?

Your first girlfriend?

Since when?

Since today.
Chicks dig Batman.

Head upstairs and draw on
some chest hair, son.

You've earned it.

You're a good boy, Teddy!

That was pretty good with Teddy.
Mm.

Hey, you did your part, too.

Nah, you're just
saying that.

No, I'm serious.

Moms appeal
to kids' better nature,

and dads teach them
how to defend themselves

when other people
don't have good moms.

I like that.

Yeah, I can get deep.

It's the beer.
Beer makes me deep.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

I tried everything, but I can't
get Dad to agree to a nurse.

I'm jeopardizing his health,
disappointing Mom.

I feel terrible.

Oh, Don, I hate
seeing you like this.

Okay, I'll talk to Dad.

- Ha! No take-backs!
- Wha...?

What? You tricked me!

That's right.
It's all on you now. Whoo!

I don't want
to deal with this.

No. Well, you don't have to do it.

He said no take-backs.

He got me fair
and square, Andi.

Dad,

we need to have
a serious conversation

about you hiring Funchy.

Can we hurry this up?
I left an old lady

in a wheelchair
by the duck pond,

and she is not gonna
sleep forever.

I hope.

Why are you doing this?

I thought Don was
handling the nurse stuff.

Don handed it off to me.

Which I knew he would.

Oh, this is working out
just like I planned.

Oh, so all that stuff

about him being the favorite
was to trick him.

No, no, that part's true.

I just didn't want to hurt his
feelings by asking you first.

Well, I'm glad we're not
hurting people's feelings.

Hey, look, Dad,
we all know

that this knee surgery
is gonna be tough,

and you're gonna need some help.

Okay, okay, you're always
looking out for me.

I'm just gonna grab a drink
from the kitchen,

- and then we can get started.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, uh...
mm, uh...

Damn, I guess
that only works on Donny.

Listen,

you need a nurse,
but nobody can argue with you,

so I'm gonna have to appeal
to your better nature.

That's why I'm calling
in my teammate, Andi.

I knew you would
ask her to do it.

Ah. I pull all the strings
in this family.

Nothing she says

is gonna change my mind.

I'm not getting
a damn nurse!

Okay, let's just see how
you do in the hands of a mom.

Joe.

I love you, and I just... just
want you to make me proud.

What are you,
my Little League coach?

I believe you have it
in you to try this,

because, well, you're
the bravest man I know.

- That's powerful because it's true.
- Yeah.

And you know the real
reason to get a nurse

is to lighten the
load for Bev,

and I know you'd do
anything for your wife.

Fine, I'll have a nurse.

No take-backs.
Ha! We got him.

But I won't be nice to him.

Oh, yay!
I'm so glad I got this job.

Let me tell you,
this isn't gonna be easy.

He's been real touchy since
his pot guy retired to Orlando.

It was medical marijuana.
I only used it for my glaucoma

and your mother's
boring stories.

I, too, am a big
believer in Vitamin Weed.

You should know,
if I'm your nurse,

I won't be able
to pass a drug test.

The good news is,

neither will you.

I like him.

But no taking my
temperature the baby way.

I don't know
what these buttons do,

but I just knocked
your ass out.

Hey, Funchy.

What are you doing here?

He hasn't had
his surgery yet.

I brought over a
little pre-op medicine,

if you know what I mean.

I could smell what you mean
from the sidewalk.

Why'd you call me?

There's a hairball
in my shower drain.

I hear you're good
at fixing that.

Oh, no problem.

- Let me just get a drink first.
- Yeah.

It's the perfect trick.