03x07 - Hotel Hanky Panky

[bunniefuu]

♪ The night is right ♪

♪ For making love ♪

♪ To you. ♪

Old Spice, my secret w*apon.

Oh-ho-ho.

She's a lucky lady.

Andi, prepare yourself
for some good old-fashioned...

Teddy.

Surprise, he's
in our bed again.

I see that and I love it.

But, uh...

buddy, you've been sleeping
in here for two weeks.

Made your own little dent
in the mattress.

Well, he can't
sleep on his own

because somebody let him
watch Nightmare on Elm Street.

Okay, look, I know
we talked about this,

but I am still not convinced

that's why he can't
sleep by himself.

Hmm.

What else could have
happened two weeks ago

to scare the bejesus
out of Teddy?

I switched to two percent
milk, that's pretty spooky.

No, it was the movie.

Okay. Honey, don't
worry about it.

Go get your pillow.

I estimate we have
30 seconds, okay?

Unless he brushes his teeth.

Ted-Teddy!

Brush your teeth!

Okay, we have
35 seconds.

It's not a race.

Well, it can be.
It's been two weeks!

Okay, listen.

No, no, no,
listen, listen.

I said he was too
young for that movie

but you went rogue.

Yeah.

You made your bed and now

we all get to lie in it.

With Teddy.

Wait, wait, wait, we
still have ten seconds.

We can make this happen.

If you follow my instructions
very carefully...

What a waste
of Old Spice.

What is wrong with this... bag?

Why won't it open?

Why don't bags open anymore?

This bag is broken.

Adam.

You seem troubled.

I'm fine, it's... it's private.

Yeah, stay out
of the man's business.

He hasn't made love
to his wife in 15 days.

That's not true.
How do you know that?

Marcy told me.

After we made love.

We have a heck
of a streak going.

And I'll tell you,
the sky looks a little bluer.

Well, since
it's public information...

I let Teddy watch
a scary movie

and he's been in
our bed ever since.

Now I'm starring in my own
horror movie and it's rated G.

I haven't had
intimate relations

since Jen and I split up.

But I'm not complaining,
I have new interests.

I'm learning Mandarin.

That means,
"I'm lonely."

Let's just keep our bedroom
problems to ourselves, okay?

I don't need anyone else
knowing my private business.

Your mother tells me
you're in a slump, son.

Mom knows?

Well, my guess is you're
overthinking things.

Just relax, boy.

See the ball,
hit the ball.

It's not a slump.
It's a drought.

My swing is just fine.

You say "tomato," I say
you're not getting any.

Look, the problem's
not me and Andi.

It's all the little people
that live with us.

One of life's cruel jokes:

the more kids you have,
the less time there is

to do the thing
that makes kids.

Well, you know
what you should do?

Take Andi to a hotel.

No kids, a little romance.

That's actually
a great idea.

Andi loves hotels.

It reminds her of our honeymoon,
when she was already

in a good mood, 'cause she got me.

- Hey, Dad, can you watch the kids?
- Sure.

I love having my little
beer grabbers around.

How come you never ask me
or Marcy to watch the kids?

Where are your keys right now?

That's why.

Come on, I'm serious.

You never even consider us.

I love those kids.

Well, that's nice
to hear, Don.

And since Dad just called them
"little beer grabbers,"

I guess you win.

That's all right.

I still have your mother,
the original beer grabber.

How would you like
to be whisked... away

by your loving husband
to a hotel room

complete with...
a loving husband?

- You're so sweet.
- Hmm? Yeah.

- But we can't.
- What? Why?

Well, hotels cost money.

Until we sell that flip house,
we are carrying two mortgages.

I already thought of that.

I have a gift card.

Don't worry, baby.

- I won't spend a dime on you.
- Aw.

Wait, this is the hotel
that gave us a free night

'cause they had bedbugs.

Mm.

You saw one,

and freaked out and the
next thing I knew,

you were in the
glass elevator naked,

riding down to the lobby.

I had my underwear.

In your hand.

And I apologized
to that wedding.

But the hotel
just reopened,

so it'll never be cleaner.

Just like when
a restaurant reopens

after a rat problem... ooh.

By the way, I have a gift card
for dinner, too.

*MAN WITH A PLAN*
Season 03 Episode 07

Episode Title :
"Hotel Hanky Panky".

Sync corrections by srjanapala

So, your dad and I
have to go away for a night.

Oh, what for?

We got to take care
of a little business.

What kind of business?

None of your
business business.

So, you, Teddy and Emme
are gonna be staying

with Uncle Don
and Aunt Marcy.

Or...

I think I'm old enough now

to stay home by myself
for one night.

What do you say?

Okay.
No.

- Pantry.
- Pantry.

Okay.

We are not leaving
Katie here by herself;

she can't be trusted.

She's got our DNA.

Our beer-chugging,
mechanical bull-riding DNA.

She gets good grades,
she's responsible,

she's a good girl.

We had a golden retriever
growing up that was a good girl.

You know what she did
every time we left her alone?

Jumped the fence
and got pregnant.

She's having a tough time
at school, all right?

Her best friend moved away.

She hasn't found
a new social circle yet.

Look, she wants this; let's
just do something nice for her.

We give her food and clothes
every single day.

All right, let me ask you this:
what do you want more?

To win this Kate thing,
or hotel sex?

I vote for hotel sex.
I'm a single-issue voter, okay?

Katie, great news.

Okay, so Teddy and Emme
are at Uncle Don's...

Okay, everyone knows
where everyone is.

Blow some kisses.
No time to waste.

Uh, hey.

Would it be okay if I invited
Shelby and Winslow over?

The two old guys
from The Muppets?

No. They're girls
from my Spanish class.

But I'm thinking I might
get to know them better

if we hang out.

You-you can
hang out tomorrow, okay?

Nobody but you here tonight.

You invite someone over,
they invite more people.

Next thing you know, I got
Burning Man in my living room.

You in the house, just you.

Sitting around, doing nothing.

Have fun. I love you.

Honey,

just between you and me,

go ahead and have
those girls over.

But Dad just said...
Don't worry about Dad.

He's got other things
on his mind.

Come on.

Would you please come on?

- I've got ideas.
- Okay.

Howdy, cowboy.

Ooh, Old West prost*tute.
I like it.

No, no, I'm a pioneer woman.

Yeah, farming the land
to feed our 12 children.

Let's just be ourselves.

It's been 15 days.
It'll seem new.

Later, we should
raid those minibar snacks.

They're complimentary.

Well, if we do this thing right,

you won't be awake
for minibar snacks.

Mm-hmm.

What is it?

I started thinking about
those bedbugs.Oh...

I think this might be
the same room

that we had last time.

It's got the same floor plan:
bed, window, TV.

It's a hotel room.
They all have that floor plan.

Right. Right.

It-It's like I can
feel bugs on me.

Those things drink blood.

And what if one of 'em
bites me there?

That's where all the blood
will be.

Everything's gonna be fine.
All right?

Now, mosey on over here,
partner.

Come on.

I-I can't do it,
I'm sorry.

Hey, Teddy is at Don
and Marcy's.

That means our bed is empty.

Le-Let's just go home.

You want to go home?

I'll make it just like
a hotel, okay.

I'll put chocolates
on the pillow,

and in the morning, we
can steal our own shampoo.

Okay, yeah, that...

Let me just text Kate
and warn her... tellher

that we're coming home.

Good, good, great.
I am out of here.

- Adam.
- Hmm?

Glass elevator.

Right. Pants.

My dad's coming.
Everybody out!

Go, go! Get out!

Out, out, out, out.
Go, go, go, go!

Oh, my...!

Hi.

Hey, Mom.

There's my girl.

All alone, like I knew
you would be.

Okay. Hey, Katie,
we're very tired,

so we're just gonna
go straight up to bed.

Okay.

I never got
my minibar snacks.

This room's taken, bro.

Katie, there were teenagers
canoodling in our pantry.

How did this happen?

It doesn't matter how it happened.

We don't even need
to know what anybody said

that might've led up to it.

I want to know.

She had a party.

The one thing I
told her not to do.

It wasn't a party.

Oh, it wasn't a party?

Well, then you won't mind

if I check the trash
outside for evidence, huh?

Huh? This house looks
a little too clean.

I've been living with your
mother for a long time...

Hey.

Wait!

Before you do that,
I should tell you.

A neighbor came by...

and he asked if he could

dump his beer cans
into our trash.

And... then he said
he was moving away

so we'll never see him again.

Oh, Katie.

Oh-ho-ho, Katie.

Okay, fine.
There was a party.

But I didn't drink anything.

And I only invited
two girls over.

The others heard about it
and showed up.

Which is exactly what
I told you would happen

and why I said you couldn't
have anybody over.

You're grounded.

Grounded?

Mom said I could!

What? I...

Oh, Andi.

What's up?

That is an excellent
question, Teddy.

What is up?

Teddy's scared.

He wants to sleep
in here with us.

But we have a streak.

Well, I guess
the streak is over, honey.

Teddy, let's go
for a ride.

Hey, munchkins.

What a nice surprise.

I see you, Donny.

You went behind my back

and decided to
parent on your own.

You went rogue.

You went rogue, too,

when you let Teddy
watch a scary movie.

Wh...

This is completely different.

I explicitly said Katie
couldn't have anybody over.

And I explicitly said that Teddy
shouldn't watch that movie.

Yeah, but I wasn't listening.

Plus, Teddy is the only one
in his class who hadn't seen it.

I was right.

Well, I think I was right.
But you were wrong.

I never told Kate
to have a party.

I just wanted her
to make some friends.

Oh, people were making
friends, all right.

Some teenager was stealing
second base in our pantry!

Where we keep our food.

Contaminated, Andi!

What's that?

I signed Emme up
for boxing.

You said no, but since
we're going rogue,

I'm doing it anyway.

- Oh. Fine with me.
- Mm.

I'll sign Teddy up for
rhythmic gymnastics class.

You know that's
the Olympic event

where they dance around
twirling the ribbons.

Great.

Then I'll call the gym
about Emme. Yeah.

I can't wait to watch her
spit a tooth into a bucket.

Terrific.

Good. Yep.

You have your athlete,
I have mine.

See you at the Olympics.

Hey, we just came
to drop off the kids.

Why do you have
Teddy and Emme?

Uncle Don ding-dong-ditched us
on their porch.

It was awesome.
We got Grandpa, like, four beers.

Did we come at a bad time?

I can always tell
when a wife's mad.

If you're fighting,
we'll wait in the driveway.

We-we can hear
everything from there.

We're not fighting,
we're having a disagreement.

Oh, doesn't surprise me.
We know all about your drought.

Ma, that's not
what this is about.

Your daughter-in-law organized
a teenage orgy in our pantry.

Adam's just mad
because I told Kate

it was okay to have friends
over, and a party happened.

Oh, so what? You and Don always
had parties when we left town.

What? No, we didn't.

The hell you didn't!
There were more beers

in the fridge when we
got home than when we left.

That's because
this weird neighbor

would sometimes bring beers over

and we would put them
in the fridge for you.

And then he moved away,
so you can't ask him.

Was it Sal? Or Daryl? That seems
like something he would do.

He's making it up, Bev.

The point is, Andi,

we are supposed to
parent together,

- and she went rogue.
- He went rogue first.

Well, that's a different story.
Nobody likes that.

I had to lay down the law
with your mother in '79

- when she took you...
- Don't you finish that sentence, Joe.

You took Adam to get a perm
after I told you not to.

You're darn right I did.

Oh, you looked like
one of The Jackson 5.

His hair was so big,
a bird got stuck in it.

Hold on, hold on,
I have an important question.

You had a perm?

No.

Stop talking. This family
talks too much. Goodbye.

He wanted to express himself,
and I supported him.

No father should
see his son

under a beauty shop hair dryer
reading Good Housekeeping.

Can't believe a word they say.

Well, it makes me feel better

that we're not the first parents
arguing about this stuff.

It probably goes all the way
back to the Old West.

Ain't that right, Sheriff?

Well, I reckon so.

Madam prost*tute.

I'm a pioneer woman.
Sheesh. Let it go.

Fine, fine, fine.

Maybe for our anniversary.

I... I'm sorry for going
behind your back with Teddy.

Me, too, with Kate.

- Going rogue is a bad idea.
- You're right.

So we're not gonna
do that anymore, right?

Right.

Well, there's hundreds
of scary movies,

and I'm too afraid
to watch them alone.

We'll go
case by case.

Fair enough.

Hey, you got any pictures
of you with that perm?

No. No.

No, I b*rned them all.

That's too bad.
You might get lucky if you did.

I know exactly where one is.

Morning, fellas.

What a day, huh?

Have you ever seen
a sky that blue?

Well, somebody sure
has cheered up.

Yeah, worked
everything out.

Instead of grounding Katie,

her punishment is Teddy
has to sleep in her room.

So in the parents'
room, well,

let's just say

there's a new sheriff in town.

Yeah, well, my streak is over.

Marcy said choosing sex
over family is a turnoff.

And then she started listing
all the other things I do

that are turnoffs.

It was a real bad night.

Well, you have my sympathies.

As a single man, I understand
how hard celibacy can be.

Here.
Let me help you with that.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Take it easy, buddy.

Some guys just can't
handle a drought.