03x08 - Adam's Ribs

[bunniefuu]

[playing out of tune]

Hey.

If we have to listen,
you have to listen.

Oh.
[applause]

Well, I just loved it, Emme.

I loved it, too. I don't think
I'll ever forget it.

I can't wait for my recital.

[soft laughter]

It's a two-hour concert, Adam.

What if she's the best one?

Uh, we'll boo.

Other people's kids need
to know the truth.

Oh, hey, Katie,
by the way,

there's a new
Godzilla movie out.

What?

I said there's
a new Godzilla movie out.

We've been to every one.
You want to go this weekend?

Thanks, but I'm okay.

Well, I know you're okay,

I was just wondering
if you want to see a movie.

What?

Never mind.

[sighs]

"I'm okay"?
What the heck is "I'm okay"?

"I'm okay"
is a nice way of saying,

"I'd rather do nothing alone
than something with you."

She used to love doing stuff
with me.

Well, I'll see
the movie with you.

Eh, thanks, but I'm okay.

Honey, don't take it
personally, all right?

Maybe she doesn't like
Godzilla movies anymore.

[scoffs]
Andi, everybody likes Godzilla.

Not me. I-I don't get it.

I-Is he a dinosaur, a-a dragon?

Maybe he destroys cities 'cause
he doesn't know what he is.

He was created
by an atomic expl*si*n.

See, the radiation--
Y-You know what?

I'm not explaining it
to you again.

Look, honey, Kate's
getting older.

Okay? You're the parent.

It's your job to figure out
how to connect with her.

Yeah, I just need to find
something we have in common.

Used to be Godzilla,
now I have no idea.

Planet of the Apes, maybe? Eh.

Hey, Dad, can you drop me at
the mall after school tomorrow?

[mouths]

N-No problem.

I am always here for you.

Hey, how about
a hug? Huh? Aww.

Huh?

That was no hug.

It's like she bumped into me
by accident.

Yeah, the good hug
days are over.

If it makes you feel any better,

I don't get them
anymore, either.

You know what? It does not
make me feel any better.

You're not gonna believe this.
I won the lottery.

Oh, my God. How much?

The barbecue ribs lottery.

Oh, my God. How much?

What is a ribs lottery?

I-It's for Frank's
Underground Barbecue.

He's a backyard chef
who randomly texts people

from his list when
a new batch of ribs is ready--

If you're not gonna know
about Godzilla,

at least know about Frank.

Oh. This is the perfect way
to connect with Katie.

She loves ribs.

Yeah, you know,
when she was little,

I used to take her
for barbecue on my motorcycle.

You put my baby on the
back of your motorcycle?

Come pick them up with me.

We can put the ribs
in Emme's old car seat.

Safety first.

[laughs]

Ooh. Whoa.

Check out those ribs, Andi.

You know, you look at cows,
and they're kind of ugly,

but when you chop them up
into little pieces,

- they're beautiful.
- ADAM [laughs]: Yeah.

You know, we almost didn't
find Frank's Barbecue.

We had to follow the smoke
in the sky,

like when they choose
a new pope. [chuckles]

Yeah.

Katie, look,
I got all your favorites.

Ribs, mac and cheese,
pork and beans.

Actually, I'm a vegan now.

What?

I'm a vegan.
I don't eat meat anymore.

Why?

Wait,
we can do that?

You always say we have
to eat whatever Mom makes,

even if it's gross.

Like her Andi Patties.

Why won't you tell us
what's in them?

Because I want you to eat them.

So you're a vegan now, huh?

Good for you.
I call Kate's ribs.

Oh, no, no, no.

Look, honey, we don't allow
vegans in this house.

Okay? When you're older,
and you build a house

with yourbare hands,
you can let vegans in it.

You didn't build this house.

I installed the icemaker.

Adam,

what I'm hearing is that Kate
has a new interest,

which you might be interested in
connecting to.

I can't connect to that.

She eats plants.

I eat food you have to hunt.

It's a cow, Adam.

I didn't say it was hard.

♪

*MAN WITH A PLAN*
Season 03 Episode 08

*MAN WITH A PLAN*
Episode Title: "Adam's Ribs"

So is vegan like vegetarian?

Uh, what things can't you eat?

Well, there's meat, fish,
cheese, milk, butter.

But those are all the things.

They showed us a documentary
about it at school,

and if you guys could've seen
the faces on those animals,

you'd agree with me.

This is a terrible idea.
Think of your mother.

She's gonna have to cook two
different dinners every night.

Well, you could cook one.

I am on your side, here.

Don, help me out?

No can do.
The ribs are kicking in.

Time to take a meat nap.

Mom,

Emme and I decided
to only eat cake now.

If Kate gets to go vegan,
than we get to go caken.

Well, my Andi Patties could be
made of cake. You don't know.

I think they're made of ear wax.

Okay, go upstairs, please.

You see?

Your vegan kick has started
a house-wide rebellion.

If you'd just watch the
documentary with me,

you'd get it.
Look, I brought home a copy.

"Apocalypse Cow"?

Thanks, but I'm okay.

This is your chance
to connect with her.

Yeah, well,
I don't agree with her,

I am top of the food chain.

When a cow installs an icemaker,
I will stop eating it.

You don't have to really be
interested, you just fake it.

Like, like, I do when Teddy
tells me about his video games.

"Mom, I zapped a space trooper."

"That's great honey." Hug.

You think if I watch that movie
with Katie, she'll hug me?

She might go full koala.

All right, I'll try it.

[sighs, chuckles]

Remember when the kids were
all over us all the time?

[laughs softly]

Maybe we should have another baby.
Really?

No, no, I'll try this.

Before we start,
I just want you to know

it means a lot
that you'll watch this with me.

Hey, I like spending time
with you.

But this movie is not
gonna change how I feel.

I know how the sausage is made,
and it's delicious.

[crying]: I did not know
how the sausage was made.

And why'd they name the
chickens after famous people?

That just made us sadder
when they got eaten.

Poor Anne Hatch-away.

And what about her
husband, Eggy Van Halen?

He's heartbroken,
she was the one.

I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I'm done with meat.

What?
I mean it, Katie.

I'm going vegan with you.

Really?

I love you, Dad.

I love you, honey.

Oh, oh, are we done? Okay.

Hey, I'll get Mom to do it, too.

You're the best.

Brace yourself.
I've got big news.

Katie hugged me.

Aww, that's great.

And all you had to do
was fake some interest.

Parenting's easy.

That's the other thing.
I'm not faking.

I am going vegan.

[laughs]:
Yeah, right.

I am.

Oh, also, I told her
you'd do it too. What?

It bought me another hug,
I'm not sorry.

What... s-so now if I don't
do it, I look like a jerk.

All you had to do was fake it.

I couldn't.
The movie was too powerful.

There was this cow,
his name was Paul MooCartney--

And and do you know
what veal is?

How can we be Parmesan-ing
those little guys?

So Kate really hugged you?

[chuckles]:
Yeah, like this.

Oh. Wow.[chuckles]:
Yeah.

Last time I got a hug like that,
I had to buy her a phone.

But even then she hugged
the phone tighter.

Okay, I'll do it.

Oh, this is gonna be so great.

We'll be healthier,
happier and huggier.

Okay, but-but, hey,
I just, I need to know

- that you're really committed.
- Well [scoffs]

Don't you remember
when you promised

to do couples yoga with me?

You didn't even make it
through one class.

That lady touched my rear end.

She was the instructor,
and she was adjusting your pose.

She made it halfway
to third base, Andi.

But this isn't like that.

I promise, I am fully committed.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Wait.

You do know that going vegan
means no more McNuggets, right?

I hadn't thought of that.

[grunts]
I can do it.

So here's what we've prepared
for your first vegan experience.

Yeah. These nuggets
are made of tofu,

so they're chick-none nuggets.

Okay? They taste just
like chicken, but wet.

Eat it like an oyster.

And this is macaroni
and cashew cheese.

Yeah, all the fun of cashews,
but in a paste.

So you're trying
to feed me nut cheese?

Look, I know
it's a big adjustment,

but there is an upside.

We get to act superior by
telling everybody we're vegan.

And we're saving
animals' lives.

Yeah, that, too.

Yeah, and we had
a vegan breakfast.

Bathroom-wise,
it's much more efficient.

Okay, first bite
starts the clock,

so I don't recommend
eating in the car.

Bon appétit, everyone.

Don!

It was a primitive
instinct.

I ate poison and
my body rejected it.

All right, well,
that-that-that's okay.

It takes a little
getting used to,

but it's for the animals.
Right, Katie?

That's right, Dad.

This is even worse
than Andi Patties.

Yeah, it tastes like
an Andi Patty's butt.

Enough of this
beatnik nonsense.

Don, get those ribs
out of the fridge.

Dad, we don't eat that
anymore.

I didn't spend the Christmas
of '66 dodging b*ll*ts

in a rice paddy
to eat snot nuggets.

You have to decide right now,

are you a vegan or an American?

You're missing the point.

Those ribs came
from an innocent cow.

Cows are designed
to be eaten.

They're made of
steak and cheese.

You know what? You two are
a bad influence, so these ribs

are going where
they belong,

- in the trash.
- I'm proud of you, honey.

Thank you.

Now, who wants a soy-glazed
mushroom cutlet?

Donny, you know
what to do.

I'm one step ahead of you, Pop.

You think the trash
is gonna scare me?

In the service,
they called me The Raccoon.

[playing out of tune]

Okay, okay, sweetie.
So beautiful.

[chuckles]
Um, why don't you

go get dressed for your recital?

I'm not going too fancy.

I'll let my music
speak for itself.

Never lose that
confidence, sweetie.

Ugh. What?

Oh, who leaves a half-eaten
Slim Jim in their backpack?

It's all covered with lint

and hair and deliciousness.

ADAM:
Andi!

Put down that Slim Jim.

Too late.

It wasn't too late.

You saw me and then
you ate it.

And now it's too late.

Just don't tell
Kate, okay?

This vegan thing
is working for me, too.

This morning,
she took out an earbud

and voluntarily spoke to me.
She she said,

"Can I have ten dollars?"

I'm not gonna tell Katie

because I enjoy having
the moral high ground.

The view's nice,
I've never been up here before.

Hey, Mom, thank you so much

for buying me those
strawberry snack bars.

Oh, honey, you're welcome.

No, seriously, it means a lot
that you support my choices.

Aw.

Your mom ate a Slim Jim.[gasps]

What?
Yeah.

She barely chewed it,
she was like a seal with a fish.

Oh, Mom.

Your mother's betrayal
must be very hard for you.

Come on, let's hug it out.

Well, I'm not that upset.

No, no,
it's for your own good.

Okay, Don's all set up
in the back

to record
Emme's recital.

He's so tall, no one
can block him.

He's like a giraffe
with a camera.

Don't act like
everything's fine.

You sold me out to Kate.

I had to.

There's only a limited amount of
hugs until she goes to college.

I'm getting
as many as I can.

What about me?

You're fine, the
breastfeeding years

were like one
long hug for you.

It's my time.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yes, we're arguing,

but life is complicated
for us because we're vegan.

Yeah, that's right,
full-blown vegan.

Well, some of us are.
She cheated on me.

With jerky.

And I am back
on the wagon.

Yeah, I made a chicken
for Teddy and Emme today,

- I wasn't even tempted.
- Hm.

I saved the gizzards
for Andi Patties.

ANNOUNCER:
Next up, Emme Burns.

Oh, there she is.
That's our daughter.

[Emme plays screechy recorder]

She's not a vegan.

This is a great gig.

I just made 40 bucks
charging short moms

to videotape
their kids.

Don, this is
my kid's school.

I should get half.

[cell phone buzzes]

Ugh. Look at this.

I finally get picked for Frank's
barbecue and I can't have it.

It's like when my
high school teacher

hit on me after
I was married.

Ah, Miss Popovich.
She made algebra sexy.

I wore a t*nk top
for four years, nothing.

Married six months,
here she comes.

I'll just text
and say I don't want the ribs.

Whoa, don't do that.
I'll take them.

Well, if you want them,
go get them yourself.

I can't, they
check your ID.

Ugh.
Come on, you owe me.

You threw my ribs in the
garbage. I didn't get any.

Raccoons don't share.

Okay, fine, I'll go,

but Andi can never know.

I snitched on her
for sneaking jerky

and she's looking
for revenge.

You guys have
a weird marriage.

Will you please?
Okay, I'll cover for you.

Okay, just, uh, oh, tell Andi
I went home to use the bathroom.

I'm a vegan,
she'll believe it.

Okay, Emme went to
a sleepover. Where's Adam?

Oh, he was having
vegan problems,

so he went home
to use the bathroom.

Why wouldn't he use
the bathroom here?

Well, because he wanted
to stop on the way

and get Emme flowers

because the recital
was so good.

Okay, now I know you're lying.

Where is he?

Fine, he's sleeping
with his high school teacher.

Don.

Okay, okay, he won
the barbecue lottery.

He went to pick up the ribs.

Oh, you have got
to be kidding me.

Mister Holier-Than-Thou
is getting ribs

while-while
I'm an outcast

for eating a hairy,
backpack Slim Jim?

He's not getting them for
himself, he's giving them to me.

Come on, Don,
we both know better.

He can't resist
barbecue.

His first time alone
in the car with those ribs

will be like his first time
alone in a car with me.

Lots of grabbing,
heavy breathing,

and windows
steaming up.

- He's not doing that to my ribs.
- Let's go.

ADAM: Smell good all you want,
I'm taking you to Don's.

I'm doing this for Katie
and Anne Hatch-away,

and Veal Patrick Harris.

Aw, who am I kidding?
I can't control myself.

This is just like my first time
alone in the car with Andi.

I'm sorry, Katie.

I saw his truck.
He's here with those ribs.

I smell it.
The meat is near.

Good boy, Don,
good boy.

[snoring]

Classic meat nap.

Look how happy he is.

I'm going
to get the hose.

Wait, Andi, let's remember
what's important here.

Okay, let him have it.

Okay, I'm sorry I ate the ribs.

Lay it on me, I deserve it.

No, you know what?
This makes sense

'cause for a couple hours today
I was thinking

you were better than me,
and then I was like,

"Well, that can't be right."
And look, it's not.

The thing is,
I can't be a vegan.

It's like asking Godzilla
not to stomp on Tokyo.

He has to do it, it's who he is.

You gonna tell Kate?

Well, yeah, I can't
let her hug a lie.

She deserves the truth.
I'll-I'll go tell her now.

Hey, maybe bring her

one of those strawberry
snack bars to soften her up.

Got me a hug.

Katie?
I'm sorry.

I saw chicken in the fridge
and I couldn't resist.

I love meat too much.

So do I!

I just ate a half a cow.

Really? That makes me feel
so much better.

Oh, and this hug is even nicer

because we both smell like meat.

Nah!

Ah.

Ah, that was
some good chicken.

Mm.

Anne Hatch-away and
her finger-licking friends

went out in a blaze of glory.

And we put out that blaze
with honey mustard.

[laughs]:
Yeah.

I do feel kind of bad
for giving up, though.

Hey, how about this?

We'll keep eating meat,

but we'll donate
to the animal rights people.

Really?

Yeah. We'll do whatever we want,

but we'll give a little money

to the people
who do the right thing.

Yeah?

And that is how
you get around that.