Here's to the sale of our flip house.
Much like me, it looks
good on the outside,
but it has a questionable foundation.
Cheers.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
don't jinx this thing.
The buyers can still back out until
the end of business
today, which is in...
four... three...
Too late, suckers!
Whoo!
They're stuck with it!
I mean, good for them.
It's a lovely home.
All right, Don and I
have a big surprise.
The house sold for
more than we expected.
We're putting most of the money aside
to buy another flip, but...
But there's enough left for
everyone to get a nice bonus.
I was gonna do that part.
Yeah, but I wanted to do it.
Look how much they like me now.
All I ask is that you
don't do anything practical
with the money. Reward yourselves.
Like, Don and I are using our bonuses
to celebrate my 50th
birthday Burns style.
Ah...!
Whatever it is, I'm in.
We're doing a week-long dirt bike ride
in Colorado down a gnarly trail
called the Devil's Tailpipe.
I'm out.
But I'd be back in if you wanted to go
to the lake and paddle
around in a swan boat?
Burns men don't do swan boats, Lowell.
You're just gonna have
to let that coupon expire.
Sweetie? I say this with love.
But, um, you're turning 50.
I think the window
may have closed on you
riding a motorcycle
down Satan's Butt cr*ck.
Devil's Tailpipe.
Wow. 50, huh?
That means you were 16 when I was born.
You could've driven my mother
to the hospital to have me.
No more old jokes. Got it.
Okay, look,
I have only ever had two things
on my bucket list: the Devil's Tailpipe
and Angelina Jolie.
Angelina's just a lady
with a bunch of kids now,
and I already have one of those.
- I just don't want you to get hurt.
- Well, I...
What do you think about
Don going on this trip?
I don't like it.
Hey, best-case scenario,
I come home reenergized and happy.
Worst-case scenario, my
life insurance is paid
and you're rich.
Okay, I'm coming around.
Okay, it's time to open presents.
Look at all these gifts.
You told me people were
just bringing best wishes.
Happy birthday, little brother.
I wish you the best.
That's from me and Marcy.
All right, hey, Mom and Dad.
Thanks for... whatever this is.
It's a sock puller-upper.
To help you put on your socks.
Happy birthday, son.
You've bent over for the last time.
I can put my own socks on.
I'm not old, I'm middle-aged.
50 isn't middle-aged,
it's two-thirds aged.
Happy birthday to you.
Open mine.
I love surprising people.
It's a GoPro camera. I couldn't wait.
- Andi got you a shirt.
- Lowell!
This is cool! I could take
this to the Devil's Tailpipe!
I can't believe you're
really doing that.
Doing what? What's the Devil's Tailpipe?
Is it a sex club? Oh, Adam.
Yes, Ma, I'm going to a
sex club on my birthday.
And I'm announcing it in
front of the whole family.
You want to go?
No, your son wants to ride a motorcycle
down the side of a mountain.
And he hasn't been on
a dirt bike in years.
I'll be fine.
You're only as old as you
feel, and I feel like a kid.
This morning, I put a banana
between two oranges
at the breakfast table
and I laughed for ten minutes.
I don't get it. What's funny
about a healthy breakfast?
Look, Adam, you know
that, as you've aged,
you've had to give some things up.
Even things you love.
Remember sauerkraut?
- I did love sauerkraut.
- Mm-hmm.
I miss it every damn day.
But sauerkraut has hurt way
more people than motorcycles.
Let him go, Andi.
Believe me.
A day will come when all
your husband wants to do
is just sit on the couch.
- Where do you want me to go, Bev?
- I don't know.
How about a nice nature walk?
I've already taken a nice nature walk.
It's called Vietnam.
Yeah.
Thanks, everyone.
Aw, um, here's to 50 years young.
Whoo. Whoo!
Ha-ha!
Ah, oh!
- Oh.
- What's wrong?
Did you just throw your back out
blowing out your birthday candles?
Of course not.
I'm relishing this precious moment.
It's so emotional, I
think I need to be alone.
Don, come be alone with me.
Look at this. I'm walking
like an old guy 'cause I'm 50.
Okay, don't tell anyone,
but I hurt my back.
I don't need to tell anyone.
You look like a boomerang.
If Andi thinks I'm hurt,
there's no way she'll let
me go on our dirt bike trip.
You got, you got to
straighten my back out.
All right, got it.
How do you feel now?
Worse!
Okay. Okay, well, that's good.
You're supposed to feel
worse, and then it gets better.
You put me back the way
I was. I can't take this.
Right.
How do you feel now?
Much worse.
Okay. Okay, good, good.
We're making progress.
Okay, now you're gonna
have to trust me on this.
Whoa-whoa-whoa,
what's the rake for?
For you to bite down
on. This is gonna hurt.
All right, let's party.
Are you seriously pretending
to be okay right now?
Why? So you can take that
trip down Lucifer's Heinie?
I'm not pretending.
I have never felt better.
Which is why I will be
riding the Devil's Tailpipe.
And your mocking names only
make me want to go more.
Well, if you feel fine,
why don't you try out
your birthday present from the kids?
Huh?
- That's a bowling ball.
- Yeah.
Pick it up.
I already have one. Don,
why don't you take it?
Mm, I can't pick that up.
I, uh, I sort of tweaked my neck
when I was trying to fix your...
...ack-bay.
Nice work.
She'll never cr*ck that code.
All right, you are
not going on that trip.
Okay, you are a 50-year-old man
who injured himself blowing out candles.
Okay! I hurt my back. A little.
But I'll be fine in a couple of days.
Adam, I am the protector
of this family, okay?
I told Kate, "No, you can't
zip-line over a volcano."
And I told Teddy, "No,
you can't jump over Emme
with your bicycle."
And now, I am telling you, "No," okay?
You cannot ride the "Make Me
Raise Our Kids Alone" Trail.
What if I get a note from a doctor
saying I am good to go?
Well, yeah. Sure.
Best of luck.
Just hope that note's not
too heavy for you to pick up.
Dad, that's stealing.
This stuff is complimentary.
Like the soaps and
coffeemakers in hotel rooms.
Come in.
Well... these back X-rays look
good for a man your age, Joe.
Those are my X-rays.
Oh. That's not good.
You do any strenuous activities lately?
Well, I'm in construction,
so there's a lot of hammering,
climbing ladders,
lifting stuff, you know.
What my boy is trying to
say is he hurt his back
blowing out some birthday candles.
Well, that's just part of getting older.
Okay, here's the deal.
I have a trip planned
to ride a dirt bike
down a mountain in Colorado.
It's been a lifelong dream. Can I do it?
You know, my lifelong dream
was to be a jazz pianist.
If I had done that, I could
play you a sad song right now
about how you can't go on that trip.
In my professional opinion,
you pulled something.
Huh, did you get that from the X-ray,
or from when I walked in and said,
"I think I pulled something."
Here's a list of stretches you can do
to help the healing process.
We, uh, had a bunch of
Popsicles on the way over.
So, Lowell, what are you
gonna do with your bonus?
I'm trying to decide
between a savings bond
or a potbellied pig.
Well, y-you got to go with the pig.
If things get tough,
you can't make a sandwich
out of a savings bond.
Well, I am gonna hire a photographer
to take a family picture
of us in matching outfits.
And it's gonna look a
little something like this.
Kids?
This is the least happy I've ever been.
Not cool, Mom.
I look like I just escaped polygamy.
No, you look like you
just escaped the cute farm.
Oh, hey, Joe. How's Adam?
That's some fancy
lingerie, little brother.
Dad, are you okay?
And if you are, help us.
Uh, kids, why don't you go get changed.
So? How was the doctor?
The motorcycle trip's
off. He said I can't go.
I've been diagnosed
with excessive oldness.
Yeah.
But on the way out, the nurse told me
I'm an inch shorter than I
used to be, so I got that.
Well, then I should double-check.
You may not be tall
enough for the swan boat.
We're not doing the swan boat, Lowell.
- Honey, are-are you okay?
- I'm fine.
What about me doesn't seem fine?
Pretty much the whole package.
Well, I guess you were right.
It's time to act my age, so from now on,
this couch is where I will be living.
With my dad.
Well, hold on, hold on.
You're-you're not that age, either.
I'm not 20 anymore.
Yeah, but you're not 70.
I am if you round up.
Oh...
I can't even put on my own socks.
Oh, that's nice.
Welcome to the promised land, boy.
Yeah...
Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Yeah. I'm married to Joe.
New England is enjoying a warm spell,
but a low pressure system is moving in.
There's a twist I did not see coming.
Hmm. Low pressure's a sneaky bastard.
Okay, I think it's time
to get off the couch.
Okay? It's been a week.
Wha... I would remind
you, I have a back injury.
I can't get up now; this weather lady's
about to stick a ruler in the snow.
Ah, Joe, there you are.
Let's go. You promised we'd
take a walk in the park.
Man, she's sneaky.
Your mother's a damn
low pressure system.
A walk is the least you can do
since you won't exercise
with me at my gym.
You just want to parade
me around that gym
in front of your gal
pals like a show pony.
Well, now I can parade you
in front of my gal pals at the park.
At this point, I just hope
a hawk flies off with me.
Oh, what's this?
Why, it's the stretching
exercises the doctor gave you.
Exercise number one: get up.
Hey, you need to
embrace my new lifestyle.
Hey, you always wanted a cat.
Think of me as a cat
that can tell you the weather.
- Hey, how about this?
- Hmm.
Maybe we go upstairs and fool around.
That's your favorite exercise.
I don't think I'll be
doing much of that anymore.
Everything is connected to
the back. Even the front.
All right. That's it.
Adam, I want you to go
on this motorcycle trip.
What?
If you do the stretches
that the doctor gave you
and your back gets
better, I am fine with it.
I thought you were worried I'd get hurt.
Yeah, well, now I'm more
worried about your mind
than I am your body.
You just turned down daytime sex.
I mean, usually, if I just stop moving,
you take it as a go sign.
Not true.
I pretty much leave you
alone when you're sleeping.
I want my husband back.
You are Adam Burns. Okay?
The man who, last Fourth of
July, forgot to put on sunscreen
but still held his daughter
on his bright red shoulders
so she could see the fireworks.
Yeah. When she got down,
it was like peeling
off two giant Band-Aids.
Yeah, but you did it.
You're damn right I did.
You've never backed down before,
and you are not gonna
back down now, so get up.
I'm getting up!
Get me up!
And I'm gonna start
doing those exercises.
Yeah, yeah, you're not old.
You're just aged, like a good cheese.
So get moving.
_
- Hey.
- Hey.
Having a protein shake?
Uh, chocolate shake.
I've earned it.
I put on my own socks today.
I am so proud.
Well, wait, it gets better.
I also went to the doctor and
got a clean bill of health.
Plus, a bill for some stuff Dad stole.
I'm riding the Devil's Tailpipe, baby.
I can't believe I'm this
excited about you doing something
- so insane.
- Ah, but it won't be.
No. Don and I rented a couple dirt bikes
to train on so we'll be ready.
If only you and Don had rented
a birthday cake to train on,
none of this would've happened.
Yo. Ready to ride?
We're just going around the block.
Why are you dressed like a Power Ranger?
Why are you dressed
like Bob the Builder?
Okay, truce.
- Let's do this.
- Yeah.
I'm back!
My back!
Are you okay?
D-Did you crash?
I turned my head to change lanes.
And then you crashed?
No, but I felt my back tighten up.
- And then you crashed?
- No, there was no crash!
I turned my head and threw my back out.
It was the birthday cake all over again.
All of a sudden, he slowed down.
Kid on a tricycle blew by him,
then he just wobbled to a stop.
It was hard to watch.
I want to forget the bike trip
and never talk about it again.
It's dead to me, like sauerkraut!
- Adam, I'm so sorry.
- Well, what about me?
I got to walk back to get his bike.
When you're in a suit like this
with no motorcycle under you,
people say hurtful things.
Here's your muscle rub
and some aspirin.
Or as your dad calls it, brunch.
Thanks. Maybe that'll
help get me moving.
I'm sorry, I can't get up.
No, no, no, it's okay. You rest.
Okay? I-I'll refill your water, okay?
Whoa! Got it.
So... your back seems fine, Adam.
That-that muscle rub is a miracle.
It just had to be in
the same room with me.
Ha. Heh. Huh.
What's going on?
Okay.
I'm not hurt. I...
I just got spooked.
I haven't been on a
dirt bike in a long time,
and they're really fast now;
it was like riding a rocket.
And I started thinking, as I
accidentally jumped a ditch.
I got kids at home. If
something happens to me,
you'd have to raise them on your own.
And you'd just dress them
up funny all the time.
I know you would, and
I can't do that to them.
So you faked being hurt
so you wouldn't have to go.
If I can hurt my back
blowing out candles,
what is gonna happen to
me on the Devil's Tailpipe?
And if Don's the only one
there to help me, I'll die.
Yeah, I mean, the only thing
you're gonna get from him
is his best wishes.
I... I hate to admit it, but...
I really am getting older.
No!
You're the first one.
All right, all right.
Look, I'm just saying,
there comes a time
when you have to give up
on some of your dreams.
Well...
Wait. You know,
I did some research, and
there are other rides.
You know, uh, maybe instead
of the Devil's Tailpipe,
you could pick a less intense trail,
like Marshmallow Flats.
See, there are pictures,
and the guys riding
Marshmallow Flats, they...
they look a lot more like you.
I could ride the heck
out of Marshmallow Flats.
Wha... Yeah, this sounds really nice.
There's a deli in the middle.
Yeah. And-and a bed-and-
breakfast along the way.
A soft bed would be nice
after a long day of riding.
Yeah. See? It's all
about your perspective.
A-And I haven't lost
my taste for danger.
Okay? At that deli, I'm
getting sauerkraut on my Rueben.
I'm doing it, Andi. I can handle it.
Absolutely.
- You'll pack Tums.
- I'll pack Tums.
Because with age comes
wisdom, and with wisdom...
Tums.
Ooh.
My eyes are closed.
I was mid-sneeze.
We look real cult-y, Mom.
No, I look great.
And it's my bonus so it's going up.
You know, if one of
us ever breaks the law,
this is gonna be the
picture they put on the news.
- You're back. And alive.
- Mhm.
Oh. How was Marshmallow Flats?
- Soft and flat. I loved it.
- Aww.
I don't wanna brag,
but I got told to slow
down at least five times.
Why is he still wearing his gear?
I don't think he knows
how to get out of it.
What happened to him? Did he crash?
No, we just spent a lot
of time at that deli,
and tough guy over there
wouldn't take the Tums.
It burns, too much pastrami.
Looks like he's gonna be riding
the Devil's Pipe after all.
03x09 - Adam Acts His Age
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"Man with a Plan" is about a dad who learns parenting is harder than he thought, after his wife goes back to work and he's left at home to take care of the kids.
"Man with a Plan" is about a dad who learns parenting is harder than he thought, after his wife goes back to work and he's left at home to take care of the kids.