03x10 - We Don't Need Another Hero

[bunniefuu]

I'm telling you, Teddy,

you looked great
at baseball today.

All we need to
work on is hitting.

And throwing and catching.

Everything else
you got locked down.

Thanks.

Hey, when we get home,

can I finally drive
your truck up the driveway?

I wish you could,
but you remember our deal.

You have to be taller
than that mark

I put on your bedroom door.

But I keep growing,
and I never get any closer.

It's weird. It's like
the mark is getting higher.

Huh. That is weird.

Hey, hey, no feet
on the dashboard.

You want to drive
Grey Thunder someday,

show some respect.

- Sorry, Grey Thunder.
- Yeah.

I'm just looking out for you.

It's like I always say,

you get what you want...

By knowing what
other people want.

That's right.
That's right.

And when you're older, if you
get in your girlfriend's car

and put your feet up
on the dashboard,

that date does not end
in a smooch.

I want the smooch; that's the
only reason I play baseball.

That's the only
reason we do anything.

So how's school?

I got an English paper
back today, and I got an "A."

Right on.

I had to write an essay
on who my hero is.

Your hero, huh?

Enough said.

Hey, Teddy.
How was baseball?

Did you face the right way
this time?

Nothing hit me.

Hey, this season's
shaping up.

What's, uh,
what-what's this?

"Just dream"?

Oh, yeah.
I painted it myself.

What do you think?

Well, I think
if you want something

for our neighbors to read,
how about

"tell your husband
to close the blinds

when he showers"?!

Okay, well, I don't have to,

because you yell it at him
every time you get the paper.

I think the chair is inspiring.

Well, if you want inspiration,

there's something very special
in Teddy's backpack.

Uh-oh, did he leave
another ham sandwich in there?

I'm not digging that deep.

I'm gonna stay in the upper
half, where everything's dry.

Here it is.

Why don't you read this
grade A work

of literature aloud while I make
room for it on the fridge.

Hmm.

Let's see.

"'My Hero, ' by Teddy Burns."

"Who is my hero?
This question is easy.

My hero is my mother,
Andi Burns"?

Very funny.
Read-read the real one.

No, no, no, no, look.
Look, honey,

I thought for sure
it was gonna be you.

Nope. It says "mom"
everywhere on here.

Yeah.

This is gonna look great
on the fridge.

♪ *MAN WITH A PLAN*
Season 03 Episode 10

Episode Title:
"We Don't Need Another Hero"

Here's your cocoa, Emme.

I gave you
extra marshmallows.

- Thanks, Daddy.
- Yeah.

You know, in a few years,

you're gonna get
an assignment at school.

Something about a hero.

And you know what rhymes
with "hero"?

Marshmallow.

Daddy, marshmallow, hero.
That's how you remember that.

Okay. I'm going outside.

Okay.

Hey, sit in my new chair.

And don't forget to dream.

Maybe dream about the guy
who gave you marshmallows.

Hey, where'd Teddy's essay go?

Oh, that?
I-I thought it looked better

on the back of the pantry door.

You hid my essay?

Why, so people wouldn't see it? No.

We're talking
about the pantry here.

Tons of foot traffic.

And the-the pantry is really
the heart of the home.

Yeah, that's where
all our favorite stuff is.

The snacks and the-the,
the, uh, broom.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

What are you doing?

I think I'm watching you
make an ass of yourself.

I'm fine.
You're the one who's cursing.

Is it the essay?

Maybe we should just
get rid of that thing.

It is tearing this family apart.

You're jealous.

I know.

Get ahold of yourself, man.

I can't!

Why don't you just take comfort
in that fact that,

even though Teddy
didn't pick you,

he picked the person that you
love the most in the world?

You heroes make me sick.

Uh, sorry, I-I missed
that last part,

'cause all I heard was,
"You hero."

Yeah, everything's funny
to the person on the fridge.

Come on, are you really
gonna make this a thing?

I'm not making it a thing.

You're the one moonwalking
in the end zone.

Well, I think I deserve it.

I mean, after all,
I did give birth to him.

On a bed.

I had to stand in a
cold delivery room

for seven hours.

Not to mention you got
$20,000 worth of dr*gs.

I couldn't even get a Coke!

I know, I crossed the line.

So I'm gonna go
sit in your chair

and dream I never said it.

If it makes you
feel any better,

you're myhero.

Great. Can you stand
in front of my refrigerator

and say that to everyone
that walks by?

Can I bring a stool?

Look, all I'm saying is,
if it's not on a piece of paper,

it doesn't help me.

It's not too late
to win Teddy over.

He's a 12-year-old boy.

All you have to do is save
the planet from aliens. Easy.

I'm a little short
on aliens right now, Don.

I'm just the idea man here.

Afternoon, men.

Hey, Pop, I'm ready.

My tackle box is
in the truck.

Where you guys going? Fishing.

When did you make this plan?

Last night at dinner.

You guys had dinner?

Yeah, before bingo.

You guys played bingo?

Maybe get your ears checked.

You don't hear so good.

Good one, Pop.

We'll laugh about that
on the boat.

Did you see that?

They're going
fishing without me.

Well, maybe let your dad
and your brother

not wanting
to spend time with you

take your mind off your son
not looking up to you.

I could have said that better.

How could Teddy not think
I'm his hero?

I'm the greatest man
he's ever known.

Maybe you're too humble.

That's it.

I am good at a lot of things,

and one of the things I'm
best at is being humble.

Oh. Uh-huh.
Makes sense.

See, the problem is,

I haven't been showing
Teddy my best qualities.

He only sees me as Dad.

I need to show him the
man behind the dad.

Well, until then,
you're my hero,

and per your request,
here it is,

documented on paper.

Thanks, Lowell, but it's
not really the same thing.

It does spruce up
the office, though.

Teddy, look what I found.

The Adam Burns Golden Box
of Childhood Accomplishments.

Huh?

Isn't that the box Mom's always
asking you to throw away?

That's 'cause she's jealous.
Where's her box, huh?

I didn't think so.

You see,

I don't think you know
who your old man really is.

All right?
Like, check this out.

"Local 4-H boy saves cow,
delivers emergency calf."

That boy, your dad.

I believe a couple
paragraphs down

they call me a hero.

Whoa.

Exactly. Whoa.

You put your hand
up a cow's butt?

What? No.
It wasn't the butt.

What was it, then?

Well, it's complicated.

Why, what else is back there?

Uh...

Fine, it was the butt.

Hey, did you find me a spider?

Yeah. I can always find
one on the rowing machine

that Marcy swore she
would use every day.

I think he was living
in her web of lies.

Great, I'm gonna
use it to impress Teddy.

My cow butt article
didn't do anything.

Then, I remembered that Teddy's
really scared of spiders.

Now, I might not be able
to save him from aliens,

but I can save him
from one of those.

I'm glad you listened
to the smart guy for once.

Whoa, almost drank a spider.

Yeah, close one.

Mm.
Now, listen.

When Teddy comes down,
you act scared,

I'll k*ll the spider
and look like a hero. Huh?

All right.
Teddy, your snack is ready!

Okay, let him go.

No, no, no, you do it.

He saw my face
when I grabbed him.

He's already mad at me.

There's nothing in here.

Maybe he's on the lid.

Whoa, it's on my hand!

Where'd it go?

Where'd what go? There's
a spider loose in here.

What?! Where?!

Why are you running to him?

Because it's on you.

What?!

What's going on?

There was a spider on me, Andi.

Wha...?

Done.

You used my Golden
Accomplishment.

That was incredible, Mom.
You really are a hero.

I stood up the whole time
you were being born.

She just laid there.

High as a kite!

Hey, buddy.

You need a little help
with your homework?

I'm an ace at it.

You might even call me
a homework hero.

That'd be great; it's math.

Okay... hit me.

How do I factor a polynomial?

Hey, you want to drive my truck
up the driveway?

What are we gonna do?

I said go right. I did go right.

Your other right.

Ah, here comes Mom,
she's gonna k*ll me.

Wha... Okay, uh, all right,
you go in the house.

I'll take the hit.

Which, if you have to do
another hero essay,

might be something
you think about!

What happened to my chair?

My inspiring chair?

Well, uh, well,
it told me to dream,

so... I dozed off.

Yeah. Your next chair should say.

"Don't leave me
in the driveway."

Mm-hmm. You know
what I think happened?

- Hmm?
- You're still so mad about that essay

that you took it out
on my chair.

Yeah, you are literally
a dream crusher.

That's not true.

Okay, well, what other
explanation is there?

Teddy did it.

You let Teddy drive?

Wha...

He can't even peel a banana.

He just squeezes it
into his mouth like a Go-Gurt.

It was just up and down
the driveway.

How was I supposed to know
he'd be as bad at driving

as he is at picking heroes?

And there it is.

I'm the dad, he
should have picked me.

I mean, yeah, I'm happy for you,
blah, blah, blah, you're great.

But fathers and sons?

That's deep stuff.

There's hit songs about it.

Uh, the... "Cat's in the Cradle,"
"Danny Boy,"

that music

they play when Darth Vader
walks in.

Okay, but, honey, none of this
means you're a bad father.

No, no.

It means I'm not
even worth mentioning.

You know what it's like?

If I am not his hero,
what's the point?

It's like I have
no effect on him.

Oh, hon... well, I don't want you
to feel like that.

And it's not true.
Uh, the other day,

I saw him drinking milk from
the carton in his underwear.

Yeah.

He didn't get that from me.

All boys pick their dads
as their heroes.

I wrote one of those essays
in school, too.

Come on, I'll show you.

Oh, is this going to be

the golden box of kid junk?

It's called
the Adam Burns Golden Box

of Childhood Accomplishments,
and you know it.

Is this it?

"Top ten ways I'm exactly
like Burt Reynolds."

"Number one,
awesome mustache."

Wait, this is on
a 2002 calendar.

W-We were married then.

Here it is.

"'My Hero, ' by Adam Burns."

Now listen carefully.
You listening?

Yeah.

"My hero is a man of integrity

"who always takes the time
to make me feel special.

His name
is Ronald McDonald--" what?

Your dad is Ronald McDonald?

Why aren't we rich?

I can't believe
I didn't pick my dad.

No wonder he doesn't
take me fishing.

All these years,
his feelings have been hurt.

Come on. You really think
he's so thin-skinned

that he would care
about a school...

No, that's-- people do
that, that's a thing.

Hey, Dad, uh,
I'm glad you're here.

I-I have something
to say to you and it's, uh,

kind of,
it's kind of delicate.

If you've come to take your
mother and me to a home,

then I hope you
brought backup.

No, no, I just wanted
to apologize for something.

When I was a kid, I wrote an
essay at school about my hero,

and I didn't pick you,
and I am really, really sorry.

Son, I've been waiting to
hear you say those words

for 40 years.

Really?

No, I don't know what the
hell you're talking about.

Yes, you do.

In sixth grade,
I picked Ronald McDonald

as my hero instead of you.

So what? I don't care
about being your hero.

- You don't?
- No.

Because I'm not Teddy's,

and it's driving me crazy.

It's like I'm not even there,
I have no effect on him.

Oh, so you want to
talk about feelings.

Uh, well, your
mother's at the mall.

Maybe I can get her
on speakerphone.

You know what,
I-I'll handle it.

All right, all right, hold
your horses, little lady.

Come back over here.

Look.

Don't take this Teddy
thing personally.

Kids are... what's a
nice word for it? Dumb.

They only look up to people
who tell them they're great

when they're not, and
dads don't do that.

Well, no, it doesn't
teach 'em anything.

If we were supposed
to just hug 'em all the time,

they wouldn't make our
faces so scratchy.

Mm.

My job as a father was to
make sure that when you went

out in the world,
you wouldn't be a jackass.

I'm the guy that told you
you weren't funny.

And that's why today
you are a little funny.

You think I'm funny?

A little, I said.

And you do the
same with Teddy.

Yeah. I tell him
what he's doing wrong,

so when he grows up,
he'll do something right.

Yeah. As I see it, I did a
better job at being a dad

than my pop did, and you're
doing a better job than I did.

I'll take that.
Hmm.

Wait, so if you're not mad
about the essay,

wh-why do you take
Don fishing and not me?

He's tall. He makes
a lot of shade.

He's like sitting under a
tree that gets you beers.

Also, he needs more
coddling than you.

Ha. He does. Baby.

He's such a baby.

But if you want, we can talk
about how much I love you, son.

Really?

I oobie doobie
love you so much.

Come and sit
on Daddy's lap.

Well, it was nice there
for a second.

A father's work
is never done.

Come on, we got
a surprise for you.

Teddy, show her
what's behind door number one.

What door?

Take off the sheet
on your right.

Your other right.

Oh, my God, you fixed it.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah, well, wait, wait,
wait, there's more.

Teddy, show her.

Huh? We made a set.

"Just dream... of beer."

Now it says something.Aw.

His and hers.Yeah.

- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah. Hey, uh, Teddy,

will you go get a dust rag
out of the garage?

Look, I just wanted to do this
to say I'm sorry for being

a little high maintenance
about the hero thing.

A little?

It was like living
with Mariah Carey.

Hey, if moms get to be
their sons' heroes,

then dads deserve the right
to be oversensitive.

You guys have had that
for centuries, it's our turn.

All right, then we get to be
the next 45 presidents.

Fair enough.

Hey, uh,
I meant to tell you...

I am really proud of you
for writing that great essay

about your mother.

Thanks. My plan
went perfectly.

What plan?

Well, my teacher is a mom,
so when I had to pick a hero,

I picked my mom.

Like you always say,
you get what you want...

- By knowing what other people want.
- By knowing what other people want.

Good job, buddy.

Yeah, well...

I guess we know
who your real hero is, huh?

Oh, yeah.

LeBron James.

Great choice.

I need to be alone
for a minute.

"Strength. Integrity.
Coins behind my ear.

That's my dad, Joe Burns,
and that's why he's my hero."

That's beautiful.
Never gets old, son.

Hey, Adam, why don't you read
Dad your essay

about him being your hero?

You know I didn't
write about Dad.

Oh, that's right,
who'd you pick?

The Hamburglar?
O-Or was it Mayor McCheese?

Dad only takes you fishing
for the shade.

You're a beer tree.

What?

Why are you
causing trouble?

A brother's work
is never done.