03x12 - Clean Country Living

[bunniefuu]

Hey, babe.

What's wrong?

Well, wh-what is it? A ghost.

I told you, I felt a presence here.

No. My little sister's here.

You're kidding me. No, you're not.

Hey, Kelly.

Why did you... when did you come here?

Oh, I have a conference in town.

They booked me at the The Ritz,

but I stay at nice places all the time,

so I thought I'd come to
your little cabin instead.

It's not a cabin, okay?

I'll have you know, this is the
sixth-biggest house on the block.

Oh. Well, you look great.
Country life suits you.

Pittsburgh is a city. How can you not...

Okay, you know what, Adam,

wh-why don't you help me get
Kelly's bag out of the car?

We have sports teams.
Mister Rogers is from here.

Oh, oh, uh, Kelly,
meet our friend Lowell.

Lowell, this is my sister Kelly.

Enjoy.

So, how do you know Adam and Andi?

I work for them.

Oh, well, you'll bounce back.

When is she leaving?

Her bag's still in the car.

I could drive her to
the airport right now.

She's my sister. I
can't ask her to leave.

Oh, well, she's not my
sister. I'll ask her.

- I'll do that right now.
- Adam.

It's not good for you when she's here.

All she does is judge you.

Just don't let her bother you.

Yeah, but I know she bothers you.

Why do you let her get away

with acting superior all the time, huh?

"Cabin." We have heated
floors in our bathroom.

- We do?
- They're broken, but yeah.

Look...

It'd be great if my sister didn't
always compare her glamorous,

jet-setting life to me settling down

in an average town with an average joe.

Average joe?

I am the sixth-best
husband on the block.

You're amazing,

which is why I am not gonna
play her game, all right?

It's called taking the high road.

Yeah, but she already looks down on us.

Let's at least get our
money's worth. Low road.

Adam, I have a wonderful husband
and three loving children.

No matter what she says,
I am happy with my choices.

So even though I am
not competing, I win.

Well, since you already
won, let's celebrate

by taking her to the airport

Don't leave me alone with her anymore.

Do you guys think I
look like Forrest Gump?

- No
- Only when you run.

How are you two sisters?

You don't even look alike.

Ugh...

Well, she spent a little
time in Switzerland,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah. When she blinks, you can
see the back of her neck move.

Oh, I got so much good
stuff. Let me at her, coach.

No, Adam. High road, okay?

Let's just live our normal
lives as if she's not even here.

Fresh-squeezed papaya juice, Kell?

Wow.

Do you make breakfast
like this all the time?

It's like a Four Seasons in here.

That's a fancy hotel.

I know what it is.

I've driven by one.

No, what you're seeing
is just our normal,

everyday life.

I love cooking for my family.

Mom, my muffin has a price tag on it.

Honey, put that in your mouth.

So, um, hey, how did you sleep?

I mean, it's pretty cozy

in a house full of
children and love, huh?

Oh, I slept great.

Oh, but I do need to go out
and get a memory foam pillow.

I went to the bathroom last night,

and your pillow completely
forgot how I wanted to sleep.

What's with the spread?

Oh, sh**t. Is it Easter?

No. No, this is just our
regular, typical breakfast.

We do this every day.

Oh, yeah.

I meant, "is it Easter?" like,

every day is Easter with my girl.

Oh...

Oh, kids, I brought you some presents.

I picked them up on my business
trip last week to Tokyo.

It's just a little something to
say domo arigato for having me.

- Oh, sorry, that means...
- I know what it means.

That's what you say to Mr. Roboto.

- It's candy.
- This is so cool.

We never get anything
like this around here.

Uh, I think you're
forgetting about the Tic Tacs

I got for you at the gas
station the other day.

I'm so glad you like it, kids.

Oh, Tokyo is amazing.

It's modern, vibrant, cultured.

It's so not your thing.

We don't need to go to Japan.

Okay? We go to Benihana.

Uh, hey, kids, why
don't you go up and play?

Well, I'm off to buy a pillow.

How far is Pittsburgh from a city?

You know what? Never
mind. I'll Google it.

I don't like this. She's getting to you.

She is not.

Oh, come on.

I haven't seen that crystal punch bowl

since you told me to
return it after our wedding.

This is not how we live.

Look, I make breakfast
for you every morning.

Babe.

Yesterday, you put a
frozen Eggo in my pocket

and said my body heat would warm it up.

- Okay, she's getting to me.
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't sleep at all last night.

I knew I heard someone
rage-whispering in the bathroom.

I'm just glad it was
you and not the ghost.

Growing up, she was always like this.

Any toy I had, her toy was better.

Any sport I played,
her sport was better.

- What sport did you play?
- Badminton.

Well, you weren't doing
yourself any favors.

Look, if you won't say
anything, then let me do it.

Okay? She needs to know
that there are consequences

when she's mean to you.

Absolutely not, okay?

You stay out of it. I have my own plan.

At our 50th anniversary party,

when I'm surrounded
by all my grandchildren

and she's in a wheelchair,
hobbled with loneliness,

she'll look at me, and we'll both know

I won.

But that'll take forever.

$7.99?

Oh, we're returning these.

I can't take much more of Andi's sister.

I'm trying to get her out of my house,

Andi's making her a
four-star breakfast.

You don't get rid of rats by
throwing cheese on the floor.

Unless you put poison in the cheese.

But then you've escalated
things quite a bit.

I'm not a fan of Kelly.

- Yeah.
- When we were Andi's bridesmaids,

she told me that the color
yellow looked good on me

because it matched my teeth.

I let it slide, 'cause I didn't
want to ruin Andi's wedding.

You mean our wedding.

Eh, it was Andi's wedding.

Nobody wants to look at the groom.

That's why they make you
dress in black, like a roadie.

What I'm thinking is, if we
make life unpleasant for Kelly,

she'll leave, but I can't do it.

No. So what I need is a
maker of unpleasantness, huh?

Which brings me to you, Marcy.

You're really good at making people

feel bad about themselves.

That is so sweet.

No, I-I'm proud of my
skills. They didn't come easy.

I had to practice on Don.

I'm your speedbag, baby.

So... so you'll do it?

Sure. Sure, I've had stuff
to say to Kelly for 18 years.

She has big feet, right?

Oh, you could row one of
her shoes across a lake

like a canoe

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

What do you got there?

They're cookies, and
a woman gave them to me

and she likes me and
I'm not related to her.

Uh... you seeing someone?

I am. Her name is Melanie, and
we met a month ago at the gym

when I became lightheaded
on the StairMaster.

Ooh. A month, huh? Sounds serious.

Well, I don't like to kiss and tell,

but I have kissed, and I
must tell you, I liked it.

I know you, Lowell, okay?

Whoever you sleep with,

you're gonna imprint
on like a baby duck.

That's true.

So I think we should meet this girl.

Maybe you could check
her out and make sure

I'm not blinded by her cookies.

Grow up, Lowell.
They're called knockers.

Hey.

Bring her by tonight, okay?

It'll help fill up the
room and distract Andi

- from my hit man Marcy.Yeah.
- You're right.

With Lowell and his lady there,

I'll just be a face in the crowd.

Exactly. You'll do the hit,
drop the g*n, take the cannoli.

Adam, this is my date Melanie.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

So, uh, what are your
intentions with Lowell?

You know he doesn't
have any money, right?

I figure I'll just take out
some life insurance on him,

put him on a StairMaster
and wait for my payday.

Ah, she's funny.

That's good. Your
ex-wife wasn't very funny.

It's so fun having your friends over.

It's like a hoedown.

Is there gonna be a hay ride?

I'll see if I can rustle one up.

- So, tell me about you.
- Well, I...

Oh, Marcy's here. Got to go.

- You ready for this?
- Oh, I am more than ready.

We listened to the
Rockytheme the whole way over.

I'm kind of pumped up, myself.

Kelly, hey, uh,

you remember Marcy, don't
you? From our wedding?

- Hmm...
- Hello, Kelly.

Oh, I didn't recognize you at first.

Well, people age differently,
and you're doing your best.

Ch...

You just let her walk away.
You didn't even say anything.

I wasn't ready.

She sucker-punched me before the bell.

I mean, aging is hard,
and I am doing my best.

Okay, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. Shake it off, champ.

Come on, stay focused. All right?

Oh! Pretend she's Don.

Yeah, that helps.

You know, sushi isn't the
most popular food in Japan.

It's rom-yon.

You mean ramen?

Oh, we would have a big laugh in Tokyo

hearing you say it like that.

Okay. Hey, who's ready
for another margarita, huh?

Mm. Ooh, look, I am.

Get her, Marcy.

So, Kelly, about what
you said to me before.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What I meant to say was
people age differently,

and you're doing your best.

That's-that's exactly what
you said the first time.

What's up with those two?

Uh, no idea.

You know what, it's okay.

I understand you lashing out,

seeing your sister with
her wonderful family,

and you all alone.

Mm, it must feel like
such an empty life...

set on top of two gigantic feet.

Oh, yeah? Well, let
me tell you something.

You're absolutely right.

- Huh?
- I'm what, now?

I do have an empty life.

I don't even have a job anymore.

They fired me.

They fired you? What happened?

I embezzled a tiny bit of money.

Can you believe it? It's a real

"one strike and you're
out" policy over there.

I-I thought you were in
town for a work conference.

There is no conference.

I came here because Pittsburgh
is the cheapest flight

since nobody wants to come here.

But you said you just
got back from Tokyo.

I lied. I got the kids' candy at Pier 1.

I'm not even sure it's candy.

It might be little soaps.

I ate three of those.

The truth is I'm jealous of you.

I tried to convince
myself that I was winning,

but I guess this is like
the tortoise and the hare.

I'm the sleek, sexy bunny...

losing to you, the slow, scaly turtle.

I'm gonna go pack.

What happened?

She went down in the first round.

Adam, you didn't tell
me she had a glass jaw.

Why would Adam tell
you anything about her?

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

D-Did you put Marcy up to this?

Up to what?

Great party, honey.

- Adam?
- Okay, fine.

I didn't know she was
gonna get so upset.

But you know how many times
I've seen her make you upset?

But that's not the point.

You were supposed to stay
on the high road with me.

Andi! When you met me, I was in a bar,

passed out in a bowl of chicken wings.

I don't do "high road."

Okay, but you promised
to stay out of it.

I did stay out of it.

I just put Marcy into it.

I found a loophole.

You're welcome.

- I'm not thanking you.
- Well, I would like you to.

That's why I said "you're welcome."

Fine. You did the
opposite of what I wanted.

Thank you so much.

That did not seem genuine.

You just stay right next to Daddy, okay?

As long as you're here, Mommy can't do

that loud talking the way she wants to.

Okay? So, when she comes
in, you know what to do?

Pretend to sleep and look cute.

Exactly. Yeah.

Now, when I hear her coming in,

I'll say our code word,
and you close your eyes.

This is fun.

Yeah, isn't it nice that we could...

Ooh. Potato. Potato.

Hi. Shh.

I wish we could talk about tonight,

but we don't want to
wake this sleeping angel.

What can you do? Shh.

Well, I guess, if Emme's asleep,

she can't have the ice
cream that's downstairs.

Emme, where you going?
Potato. Potato. Potato!

Stop shouting vegetables,
all right? I'm not mad at you.

You're not?

No.

I mean, at first I was, but
then I just kept smiling.

And I can admit this to you

because you're no better than me,

but hearing Kelly say
the words, "I'm jealous,"

was what I've waited for my whole life.

I mean, I win. I win so much.
And it's all because of you.

Oh, well, hey, well, you
know what I always say.

I'm petty and small, and
you're lucky to have me.

I am.

You know what, I should
go check on Kelly,

make sure she's okay.

Yeah.

- What?
- You just want to do a victory lap.

I kind of do. I've never had one.

Look, look.

She's still gonna be
upset when we go in there,

so don't feel bad and start apologizing.

Oh, no, I-I'll be strong.

You know, just give her a chance

to talk more about
how much she envies me,

and then we'll all get
a good night's sleep.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You okay, sweetie?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Well, do you want to talk about

some of the stuff you were feeling?

Specifically the jealousy.

Or maybe you'd like us to help you pack.

You said you were
coming up here to pack.

You don't want to say
things and not do 'em.

People might start to not like you.

Thanks, guys, but I
seriously feel great.

You do?

Well, then, I guess we'll be going.

Night.

That was no victory lap.

She didn't seem depressed at all.

If anything, she had a
kind of glow about her.

You know what?

She probably pulled it
together because we knocked.

Let's try surprising her.

Is that my daughter's robe?

That's what you notice about this?

I am spent.

I need an egg and some Gatorade.

You can have treats after you
explain yourself, young man.

What happened to the girl
with the nice cookies?

Melanie. I dropped her off,

and then I realized I
forgot my phone here.

So I came back to find
Kelly on the porch.

On the porch?

What was she doing on the porch?

I don't know, but I ran
straight into a sexual tornado.

It was amazing. She tore my pants off

like I was a basketball
player coming off the bench.

Yeah, she did that in college
to actual basketball players.

Wait-wait a minute,
she was supposed to be

upstairs in her room, crying.

Was she crying on the porch?

No, she was just standing there

tying a cherry stem into
a knot with her tongue.

Sad people don't do that.

You don't think this
could be a setup, do you?

Adam, she... she's not a monster.

Of course it was a setup.

I hid his phone so
he'd have to come back.

Why would you go to all that trouble

for some one-night stand?

It was just a one-night stand, right?

I mean, yes, it was one night,

and we did stand for a little bit.

Ah.

Okay, tell me it's
not gonna happen again.

Tell me you didn't "baby duck" her.

Well, we did a lot of
things. I don't know

what the names of all of them are.

Oh, my God, she's gonna
peel him like an orange.

You're not serious about Kelly, are you?

I don't know if I'm serious about her.

I mean, I never want
to be without her again.

I miss her right now.

Is she okay? Is she cold?

Can you give her my sweater?

But why Lowell?

He's cute.

Forrest Gump is my favorite movie.

Plus, he's single and
he already has kids.

He gives me everything you have, Andi.

But better, because I
didn't have to go through

all that pregnancy stuff, so
I can laugh without peeing.

Looks like the speedy
little bunny wins again.

Wait a minute, wait,
you're still leaving, right?

- Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
- She's not going anywhere, Adam.

She's not jealous, and
she's not going anywhere.

I haven't felt this good
since before I got fired.

Lowell is the solution to everything.

And I figured that out

thanks to your
yellow-toothed friend Marcy.

But Marcy only talked
to you because of me.

So, you're with Lowell because of me.

And now you're not
leaving because of me.

I owe it all to you. Thanks, Adam.

Well, there's your thank-you.

Did you enjoy it?

I think you know I didn't.

What are you barbecuing
at 10:00 in the morning?

- Katie's robe
- Oh.

Good-bye, all.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
You're-you're leaving?

I'm moving in with Lowell.

Oh, that poor baby duck.

But you won't miss me too much,

because we're gonna have you
over next week for rom-yon.

It's ramen, okay? I called
the Japanese embassy.

Yeah, and you didn't even go to Japan.

That's not how I remember it. Sayonara.

She might be in Pittsburgh forever.

- Wh-What are we gonna do now?
- I don't know about you,

but I'm gonna get in that barbecue grill

and close the lid.

No, no, we are not giving up, all right?

Our problem is the low
road wasn't low enough.

I know us. We can get lower.

Now you're talking.

You see, the high road may
be the road to happiness,

but the low road is the road to revenge.

- I think Gandhi said that
- Mm.