02x03 - The Parents Strike Back

[bunniefuu]

There's my sexy gardener.

Yeah.

I like you in those little green gloves.

Oh, these old things?

(CHUCKLES)

Just something I threw on.

I'd already be done if you let me

use that weed k*ller in the garage.

I'm being punished just
because Teddy used to...

and I repeat, used
to... lick the shrubs.

Okay, well, everything's
looking good inside.

The kids are cleaning their
rooms, I got the laundry done.

Now, I just have to figure out
what that smell upstairs is.

I smelled that, too.

I didn't say anything
because I love you,

and I thought it was you.

Hey!

That came from Teddy's window.

(SCOFFS)

It's like a Dumpster back here.

Well, now we know how
he cleans his room.

And where the Funyuns went.

- I'm sorry I blamed you.
- Mm-hmm.

Throwing trash out the window?

He gets that from your
side of the family.

(SCOFFS)

Don't overreact.

I am not overreacting.

I am reacting.

Okay, but-but you got to
admit, for the most part,

our-our kids are pretty darn adequate.

I mean, they brush their teeth.

- Emme doesn't.
- They-they do well in school.

Teddy doesn't.

They still hug us.

Katie doesn't.

Okay, well, Kate puts "XO"
at the end of her texts.

That's a kiss and a hug.

Yeah. To a robot.

Okay, look. Look-look...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

My-my parenting book says

that the most effective
form of discipline

if often just listening.

Mm-hmm. I hate that book.

Okay? I've hated it ever since it said

we should make our own baby food.

Please, please, just this
once, can we do it my way?

Your way is to just yell.

Yeah. And thanks to my
dad, I'm really good at it.

Look, I think that we
should stick with my way,

the book's way.

- (GROANS)
- (STAMMERS) Let's just hear

Teddy's side of the story.

You always want to hear the kids' side.

I could tell you right now: their side

is they're lazy boneheads.

I'm just saying that
there might be a problem

behind the problem.

Okay, the problem is they're lazy.

The problem behind the
problem is they're boneheads.

Teddy, why would you
dump trash out the window?

Why do you put the caps
from your beer bottles

behind the couch pillow?

I just...

I get sleepy.

(SNIFFING)

You smell that?

(SNIFFING)

Is that the smell?

(SNIFFING)

I think that's just boy.

You know, you get an allowance
to keep your room clean.

And that includes taking
your trash outside.

My room is clean, and
the trash is outside.

(CHUCKLES)

Can I overreact now?

Whoa, whoa. Before you pop a vein,

you might want to see
what's in Emme's closet.

Hi, Emme, we just need to
check your closet real quick.

- You smell that?
- (SNIFFING)

Is that the smell?

It's at least part of the smell.

Whoa! It hits you right in the face.

I think we just found the house's butt.

Emme, what is in your shoe organizer?

Is that broccoli?

Yes, it is.

I put it in there so you think I ate it.

Honey, keeping your room
clean and eating your broccoli

are the two things

you're supposed to
do for your allowance.

I don't like broccoli.

You make me eat it,
this is what happens.

This is very, very bad, Emme.

It's not as bad as
what's in Kate's room.

Well, I say we board that closet up

like a portal to hell and
never speak of this again.

How did we not know about this sooner?

Well, we don't go in there that much.

Look, the kids get an allowance
to keep their rooms clean.

The book says it's supposed
to foster responsibility.

The only thing it's
fostering is botulism.

Stop listening to that book.

You agreed it had good ideas.

I only agreed because you
asked me when we were in bed,

and I wanted to fool around.

Yeah, that's how I get
you to agree to things.

That's your allowance. (CHUCKLES)

- You're no fool.
- Hmm.

Well, all right. Let's see
what's behind door number three.

Hmm.

Looks okay to me.

Wait.

I smell more smell.

A lot more smell.

(BOTH SNIFFING)

It's not me.

(SNIFFS) No, it's not me.

(SNIFFING)

Oh!

The bed's wet.

Katie's a bed wetter?

That means therapy.
That'll cost a fortune.

Well...

smell the bedspread and see.

Uh, you smell it.

Just, go-go and check and
see what's under there.

(GROANS)

Oh, it's old, moldy towels.

- Ugh.
- Yep, that's the smell.

That's the rest of the smell.

Ooh, check this one out.

That's the queen of the hive.

What are you doing?

Right now? Wondering
where it all went wrong.

Why are your old, wet shower towels

at the bottom of your bed?

Oh. Every night, I get in bed

with a towel on my hair.
Eventually, it falls off,

and I just kick it to the bottom.

And you never change your sheets?

I thought you just changed
them every seven years.

That's the mattress, Kate.

Look, we give you

an allowance to keep your room clean.

Well, now we know where
all our towels went.

This morning, I had to dry off

by running around the house like a dog.

I mean, how can you not smell that?

I smell it.

I'm just used to it.

Got good to me.

Well, at least I won't
have to pay for a wedding.

Look, I'm not the only one doing stuff.

Do you know what Teddy
does with his trash?

Yes, we do.

- How about Emme's closet?
- Seen it all.

Dad's beer caps?

You're not getting out of this, Katie.

Seriously?

The parenting book again?

Is the last chapter just
a picture of the author

sitting on a pile of
money, laughing at us?

She's a renowned childcare expert.

- (GROANS)
- Hey... wait, wait, listen to this.

Uh, "About the Author.

"Nancy is... single,

and lives in Maine with
her beloved parakeet."

What?

Wait, she doesn't even have kids?

That's why she doesn't know you
can buy baby food at the store.

I liquefied a perfectly
good salmon thanks to her.

I can't believe this.

I mean, uh, for years,
this has been, like,

my-my parenting bible.

(SCOFFS)

I hope her bird flies
into a ceiling fan.

You know what?

You're in charge now. Yeah.

Let's go Full Metal Jacket.

Yeah?

That's what I'm talking about.

It's time to drop an Adam b*mb.

Get it? 'Cause my name's Adam?

Yeah, no. I got it.

Yeah. Oh, I've been wanting
to use that for so long.

(LAUGHS)

Come on.

All right. Listen up.

There's gonna be some
changes around here.

Yeah. You're supposed
to handle your rooms,

we handle everything else.

But you blew it, so now, you get this.

It's all you, A-b*mb.

All right.

From now on, if you
don't do your chores,

you don't get your allowance.

Not one cent.

(WHISTLES)

(IMITATES expl*si*n)

That was a b*mb noise, kids.

ADAM: Which means

you can't go the mall and buy yo-yos

and slingshots and blacklight posters.

I haven't been to a mall in a while.

We'd like a moment to discuss.

What? What are you
talk... What do you mean?

There's no discussing.

You just got flattened by a b*mb!

Okay. Here's what we do: nothing.

If we give in now,
our free ride is over.

But won't they get mad?

Look, you.

I've been lowering their
expectations for years.

I will not let you mess it up for me.

Capisce?

What does that mean?

"Understand"?

How can I understand if you
won't tell me what it means?

Teddy, just do what she says.

So, we've discussed your offer.

Take it or leave it.

We've decided to leave it.

What? No, there's no leaving
it. You have to take it.

Look, we know you love us too
much to stop giving us money.

You're good people.

Nuh-uh.

We do... do good people
watch Breaking Bad? Hmm?

Yeah. 'Cause we watched one.

It's a gamble we're willing to take.

So, we're going on strike.

Capisce?

Did he just capisce me?

(WHISTLES)

Nothing.

LOWELL: You took
away their allowance

and they still won't do their chores?

Yeah.

So guess who had to make their beds

and take out their trash?

Andi.

And that put her in a bad mood,

which put me in a bad mood.

I guess now's not the time to tell you

I lightly rear-ended you when
I was parking this morning.

No, it's not.

Okay. We'll put a pin in it.

Kids are terrible at chores anyway.

Little hands can't fold
towels the way I like.

It's fold, fold, flipsy, flopsy.

That's a man's job.

It's a symptom of a bigger problem.

We've lost our authority.

When we were kids, our
parents had the power.

But now that we're parents,
the kids have the power.

We've never had the power.

I think it all started
with sugary cereal.

All we got for breakfast

was plain oatmeal.

You know? That put you in your place.

You were barely more
important than a horse.

Yeah, yeah. You know what
we never heard from Dad

when we were kids?

- "How do you feel?"
- Yeah.

- I heard, "How does that feel?"
- Yeah.

And, "You're gonna
feel that for a while."

Yeah, yeah. I remember that.

I'm starting to think it didn't
hurt him more than it hurt us.

I just, I-I don't know how
to get through to these kids.

You should talk to Dad.

He's always had the power.

He's the reason I don't
stick up for myself

and I'm grateful for that.

- Yes, Dad.
- Yeah.

That man ruled with an iron fist

from the comfort of his Barcalounger.

All he had to say was,

"Don't make me get
up," and we never did.

He'll get those kids in line.

You guys are really getting me fired up.

I'm sick of my kids running my house.

I'm not gonna put up with it anymore.

Tonight, I'm gonna ask
them for more power.

Dad, uh, we need to talk to you

about a situation we're having.

Take a bath together.

That spiced it up for me and your mom.

That's gonna stick with me.

Uh, n-no, no, Dad.

That's not the problem,

but we should do that.

Hey, there's my Teddy Bear.

- Hey, Grandpa.
- Huh?

You couldn't spare a few dollars

for a guy who's down
on his luck, could you?

Teddy, you want your allowance,

take out the trash.

Nah, I'll let you do it.

You see that right
there? That's the problem.

If you'd talked to me like
that when you were a kid,

I would've taken the
trash out with you in it.

Yeah, well, it's not just
Teddy. It's all of them.

There are ways to make
kids do what you want.

Yeah, but, Dad, your
ways aren't legal anymore.

That was only one tool in the toolbox.

You two have a structural problem.

You're too soft on them.

Yeah. You-You're always
asking them how they feel.

You have to make them
fear the consequences

of not doing their chores.

You can't be afraid to
ruin their lives a little.

Remember when you
wouldn't make your bed?

What did I do?

You took my bed.

You didn't.

I damn well did.

But he makes his bed
now, doesn't he, huh?

Yeah, huh? You're welcome.

He's right, he's right.

We need to up our game

and make their lives a
little less comfortable.

This is how we get the power back.

I just, I don't want them to be unhappy.

Don't worry about that.

Unhappy children is how you
know you're doing a good job.

Good morning.

Your mother and I have
realized that we made a mistake

with this whole chore situation.

Told ya.

We've been too soft on you.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, we've been thinking
about this, uh, strike of yours

and it's actually a great idea.

So until you agree to start
pulling your weight around here,

we're going on strike.

ADAM: That's right.

Instead of us doing all the work,

you're gonna do it,

and we're gonna do nothing.

You're gonna do the dishes, the laundry,

keep the kitchen clean
and, and...

you're gonna do it all for free.

We trusted you.

And that allowance money
that you're not getting,

we're gonna use it to buy ice cream

- and then eat it in front of you.
- Mm-hmm.

And we're gonna get
all those goofy flavors

you like and we hate just to
make it harder for you to watch.

Oh, and I almost forgot.

Here's your breakfast.

Enjoy your oatmeal.

That's right. We'll be in the tub.

We've only been on strike three days

and it looks like...
somebody took our house

and shook it like a snow globe.

Yeah, there's no place to sit.

Sitting's our favorite thing.

Yeah, but think about it.

If it's getting to us, it's
got to be getting to them.

- (KEYS JANGLING)
- Ooh, ooh, here they come.

Okay, let's close this deal.

Hey, guys.

How was riding the nasty old school bus?

Yeah, we're on strike.

We don't pick you up. That's rough.

The bus is awesome. I
sat next to an older kid

who taught me about the dark web.

You guys are really okay with this mess?

Yeah, I mean, this place looks

like the morning after Burning Man.

Doesn't bother us if
it doesn't bother you.

Oh, it doesn't bother us.

No, no, no.

You wish it bothered us!

It bothers me so much, Andi!

I-I can't take it anymore.

What are you talking about?

It's gross in here!

Those lunch boxes have not been
emptied since tuna fish day.

Tuna fish, Andi!

Sitting right under the heating vent.

If whatever that grows into
learns how to open the lid,

it's gonna k*ll us in our sleep.

Wh-Whoa, whoa. Wait-wait
a minute, wait a minute.

You got me into this. You can't give up.

Why not? I never get to give up.

It looks fun. I want to try it.

Oh, hey, hey.

How about let's both do it, huh?

You're always saying you want
to do more stuff together.

Come on. Think of all the
battles that we've quit on.

All right? The-the bedtime battle,

the-the junk food battle,

the flushing the toilet battle.

We were all losers that day.

And all because we never stick with it.

This is where we draw the line,

just like that line that
Teddy drew on the wall

that we never punished him for.

(GROANS) I painted over
it, but I can still see it

when the sun hits it right.

God, it makes me crazy!

Yes, yes. Use that anger.

Embrace the dark side.

Okay. Okay, we'll stick it out.

And when it works, I'm gonna
write my own parenting book

and call it Take That, Bonehead!

By Adam "A-b*mb" Burns!

I need to sit down.

(WATER RUNNING, CLATTERING)

Adam, did you hear that?

Adam?

(FLY BUZZING)

(LAUGHS)

Adam!

(STAMMERS) It's not what you think.

I'm, uh, I'm having an affair.

You broke the strike.

You-you surrendered.

You're-you're like a, like a,

like a Frenchman.

I can't live like this anymore.

We got flies, Andi.

And I'm pretty sure something
in the bottom of the sink

just grabbed my hand.

I am so disappointed in you.

Oh, come on. Don't do that.

It's just, I got...

Wait a minute. What are those?

Who washed the kids' lunch boxes?

Guess the kids did. We won.

Let's go back to bed.

Not so fast, Jean-Pierre.

Ugh. All right, you caught me.

Uh, hey.

Let's do your thing and give up, huh?

We can, we can give
up together in the tub.

No. No. The tub is for winners.

(SCOFFS) Look at us.

We went on strike to make
the mess the kids' problem

and we ended up just
punishing ourselves.

Well, you're right.

I mean, at this point,

their rooms are probably the
cleanest ones in the house.

You know what? They are.

And we are finally gonna
make this mess their problem

because I just got an idea.

Okay, babe, everyone's
home from their playdates.

- Hey, hey, look how clean it is in here.
- I see it.

Stick with me, kid.

That's right. We cleaned up.

You got us.

Oh, here we go.

Good luck.

See you on the other side.

KATE: Oh, my God!

- EMME: What happened?
- TEDDY: Somebody help!

That is the sweet sound of victory.

(WHISTLES)

(IMITATES SMALL expl*si*n)

(IMITATES BIGGER expl*si*n)

I did all the laundry.

I took out all the trash.

I broke a plate and didn't
have to do anything after that.

And what I'm hearing is you surrender.

Pretty much.

Say it.

ALL: We surrender.

All right, then the strike is over.

We do our work. You do your work.

Everybody gets along.

You win.

We're not very happy.

And that's how we know
we're doing a good job.

_

Okay.

After I take out the kids'
trash, I'll make their beds.

Okay. And, uh,

I'll pick up their toys

- and start vacuuming their rooms.
- Okay.

Hey.

What the hell happened?

Call your dad!

I'm on it.