02x04 - Into the Weeds

[bunniefuu]

Okay. I'll miss you.

Well, I mean, I can't go
till you close the door.

(LAUGHS) You go, and
then I'll close the door.

No, you know what, you
close the door, then I'll go.

(LAUGHS)

What a nice kid, huh?

Go do your homework.

Hey, is Katie's new
boyfriend still here?

No, he just left so she
could do her homework.

What a doll.

Oh, he is no doll.

Guess what I just found out.

Tyler is a pothead.

What?

Yeah. I saw Brenda
Miller at the gas station,

and she told me that
she found a bag of weed

in her son Evan's room.

Oh, my God.

I don't know who any
of those people are.

Brenda Miller, the nose job mom.

And her son Evan is the
one you call Chicken Legs.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, Tyler and Chicken Legs
are in a band together, right?

And Chicken Legs told Nose Job
that the whole band smokes it.

They practice in Nose Job's basement.

And they almost got away with it,

because Nose Job, she
can't smell anymore.

Okay, look, all I'm saying is

Katie has to break up with Tyler.

Pot is bad news.

I know. You've told me many times.

Yeah, well,

when I was growing up,

my dad was a zero tolerance...

BOTH: "Just say no" hard-ass.

Yeah, yeah.

It was embarrassing, but you know what?

BOTH: It worked.

Don and I never touched the stuff.

BOTH: And we were the better for it.

Nobody likes that, you know.

But I'm not saying I want Kate to do it,

but pot's just not
that big a deal anymore.

Yeah, that's the problem, Andi.

Because everybody's stoned now.

The jelly heads in the burrito truck

have not gotten my
order right in six years.

And they don't care.

They're too busy
puffing the magic dragon.

Okay, honey, I-I get
that a badly made burrito

is a real heartbreaker.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah.

But I say we just stay calm and
ask Kate if she's ever done it.

Yes. Yes.

And I think we both know
what's gonna happen if she has.

(CHUCKLING): Ho-ho-ho-ho...

Ho-ho-ho-ho...

BOTH (CHUCKLING): Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What, what, what, what, what?

Don't just barge in
there and ask her, okay?

Let it organically come up.

Come on, don't worry.

I will be so sly, she
won't even know I'm asking.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Shh.

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, what's up?

(SIGHS) Well, I been pretty stressed.

You got any pot on you?

What?

Adam.

That wasn't a no.

Don't you walk away from us, young lady.

Why are you asking me about this?

Because your boyfriend
smokes the devil's lettuce!

What?

Smokes pot.

Your... your father was
born a long time ago.

Well, I've never seen Tyler do it.

- (SCOFFS)
- And you've never done it?

No! Look, I don't have to do something

just because my boyfriend does.

You taught me that.

Aw, I did!

Aw.

That makes me feel so good

that you listened to me. (CHUCKLES)

Will you stay focused?

You have to break up with Tyler.

You don't even know him.

I've known a hundred
Tylers, and they all end up

in a food truck screwing up my burrito.

You can't stop me from seeing him.

Oh!

I sure can.

I will ground you.

Tyler goes to my school.

You gonna ground me from school?

Why you looking at her?

You got nothing.

When she traps me in an
argument like that, step in.

Come on.

Our daughter is not a stoner.

Yet. Yet.

But if she keeps hanging out with Tyler,

it's just a matter of time

before she's the mayor of Doobieville.

Okay, well, I trust her
to make good choices.

(SCOFFS) Will you stop being
so trusting and supportive?

That is no way to raise kids.

You know what? You're off the case.

I'll handle this myself.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you gonna do?

I'm not telling you because
you are off the case.

Huh? Well, I think you're not
telling me 'cause Kate's right.

You got nothing.

Hey, okay.

Just 'cause I don't
know what I'm gonna do

doesn't mean I'm not gonna do it.

Hey, get this.

Katie's dating Cheech and Chong.

Two guys... that's rough.

No, no, it's just one
guy, and he's a pothead.

My daughter's dating a pothead.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm not sure. It's complicated.

Andi's not on my side.

She's a hippie sympathizer.

Maybe she's right.

Just let it go, see what happens.

That's what I did with my son Mikey.

And now he's assistant
manager at a pumpkin patch.

So he works one month a year?

Yeah, you should get on this.

I think what I need to do is
confront the boyfriend, Tyler.

Let him know whose
daughter he's messing with.

I dated a girl in
college who was into that.

Renee Birnbaum.

She stole my heart.

And my dad's Subaru.

Oh, well.

If it isn't my at-risk youth
and her enabling mother.

It might interest you both to know

that I called Tyler, and he's
coming over here this afternoon

for a little talk, man to space cowboy.

Oh, my God. (SCOFFS)

If I wasn't already not speaking to you,

I would totally start
not speaking to you now.

You'll thank me one day

when you're not running a pumpkin patch!

Adam, what are you doing?

Walking in here,
hollering at your daughter?

I mean, (SCOFFS) you're like
the dad from Footloose.

Hey, hey, that guy
made some good points.

I was the only one in the
theater rooting for him.

I just think you're taking
this a little too far.

Andi, we have two more kids
that are gonna be teenagers.

If we lose Katie, we will lose them.

They'll be gone in a
literal puff of smoke.

You know, I'm pretty
sure I told you that, um,

I indulged to a small degree in college.

Yeah.

You said you tried it,
didn't like it and moved on.

Well, that's what I said

because I know how you
feel about it, but, um...

(MUMBLES): I don't know.

I kinda liked it.

Oh, really?

And how often did you "kinda like it"?

Oh, not that much. Like, once a month.

Yeah.

And weekends.

Oh, and I didn't have class
on Wednesday, so Wednesdays.

And then Tuesday night
because I didn't have to

wake up for the... you know.

Hair of the dog Thursday morning.

Yeah, I should've known.

This totally explains why you're
not on my side with this thing.

And why you're so good
at making taquitos.

Look, obviously I don't
want Kate to do it,

but it's not worse than staying
out all night or drinking beer

or any of the other things
that we don't want her to do.

Okay, look, I am clearly
not getting through to you.

Maybe it's because your brain
is floating around in bong water.

So you know what? I'm gonna let
the guy who got through to me

get through to you: my dad,
Mr. Zero Tolerance himself.

So, Katie's boyfriend
enjoys a little reefer.

Yeah, yeah. And this one's
fine with the kids doing it.

And drinking beer and
staying out all night.

Oh, Andi.

I never said that. He's making stuff up.

So, Dad, hit her with the
full "Just say no" speech.

And take your time with it.

I'm gonna enjoy a little snack
while you scare her straight.

Hey, what happened to the cookies?

Well, my opinion of
marijuana has changed.

In fact, I've started
to partake a bit myself.

What?

That's what happened to the cookies.

My buddy Jerry down at
the VFW has a prescription.

It's dynamite for my arthritis,

and it's not bad for
everything else, too.

Well, I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Wh-What happened to zero tolerance?

I'm in my golden years, son.
I want them to be groovy.

This could not have turned
out any better for me.

Mom, you're okay with this?

I'm all for it. He
is groovier now.

Last week, he took me dancing.

Ah. And then we came home
and we did some more dancing.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's probably
gonna creep into a dream.

Well, don't worry
your little jelly head.

I'm sure you'll forget
all about it tomorrow.

Hey, look, you're my dad,
so I'm not gonna tell you

how to live your life. You
smoke whatever you want.

Okay, but my side of the family
is staying clean and sober.

And to register my disapproval,

I'm eating your last two bear candies.

Andi... I'll be in the car

when you're done with Bob Marley
and the Wailers over there.

Okay, well, I should get going.

Keep on trucking, man.

Yeah.

Funny thing is nobody
smokes pot anymore.

They eat it.

In things like little bear candies.

Wait.

Those bear candies?

Uh-huh.

I usually go with half a bear,

but if Adam wants to go
with two, that's cool.

Well, he seems fine.

But we have to tell him, right?

Don't do that.

He's such a buzz k*ll.
I don't need the static.

No, Andi, I've read up on this,

and there are some people
it just doesn't affect.

Okay, well, when will we
know if it's affecting him?

Guys!

I just put all of our chips and candy

into the same bowl.

Now. I think now is when we know.

I finally got the ratio right.

Turns out you need twice
as many chips as candy.

Yeah. At first, I thought
it was the other way around,

but-but it isn't. No, I did the math.

Oh.

That's just our phone
number over and over again.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Look, honey, there's something that...

Raisins! Raisins!

I'm excited to see what
he does with the raisins.

Yeah.

Dad texted me. Where's Adam?

Is he flying?

Guys!

Look, honey, it's my
brother Don and my Lowell.

(GRUNTS)

You're so tall.

(LAUGHS, SIGHS)

You smell like vanilla.

I've been kind of messing
around with some body spray.

Hey. Hey.

You know what I was thinking?

Why do cowboys always try to ride bulls?

The bulls don't like
it. They get so mad.

Let me answer your
question with a question.

ADAM: Yeah.

Why do they call them
"cowboys" if they ride bulls?

(GASPS)

I'm gonna make Kool-Aid.

I love watching my two boys get along.

I don't care if it's drug-induced.

It warms my heart.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, God, who's that?

If it's the cops, he didn't
get that stuff from me.

My goodness, life with
you has gotten so exciting.

Okay, well, whoever it
is, I'll get rid of them.

We can't have Adam
around people right now.

Oh, no.

Hey, Mrs. Burns. Your husband
said he wanted to talk to me.

We don't have any Kool... Tyler!

Okay, come on.

Let's go out to the garage.

You and me need to have a little talk.

Ooh, did you make that? That looks good.

Should I go out there and stop this?

I think you should go
out there and record this.

I can't let him

talk to Tyler in that state?

Why not? It's just two
stoned guys talking.

Voice of experience: much will be said,

little will be remembered,
and nothing will be done.

Here's the thing, Tyler.

I can always tell when someone's high.

Their eyes are red,
they repeat themselves,

they have red eyes, and they are
constantly repeating themselves.

I feel like you're trying
to ask me if I smoke pot.

Oh, we'll get to that.

But first, would you like a Frito

with an M&M and a raisin
tucked right in the curly part?

No, thank you.

Look, Mr. Burns, I-I really like Kate.

Me, too.

And I want to be honest with you.

Great.

I did smoke pot.

I knew it.

You know, one of your
ears is slightly bigger

than the other one, and
it is freaking me out.

Anyways, look, I'm in this band,

and everyone else was smoking pot.

(GASPS)

But I work weekends at a burger place,

and I kept getting
people's orders wrong.

I-I couldn't live like that, so...

I don't do it anymore.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying you quit weed

because you wanted to
get people's orders right?

Yeah.

I'm so proud of you.

Give me a hug.

Mr. Burns...

Hug me, Tyler.

Yes, sir.

Attaboy.

Good.

Are you always this friendly?

No.

Oh, here he comes.

Guys, guys.

I don't feel right.

I-I think somebody put something
in my candy raisin chips bowl.

(IMITATING SLOW-MOTION): Calm down.

(IMITATING SLOW-MOTION):
Everything is fine.

Are you guys hearing this?

(IMITATING SLOW-MOTION): Hearing what?

Andi! Andi!

Okay, okay, okay.

You guys have had your fun.

Look, honey, there's
something you need to know.

Well, can you tell me?

Because if they do
it, it'll take forever.

They are not gonna do it,

because they have to go home now.

Yeah, let's get out of here
before she tells him he's high.

Yeah.

I'm high?

Whoops.

(IMITATING SLOW-MOTION): See ya.

Wait! Hold on! Hold on a second!

So this is high?

(GIGGLES)

Well, hi, high.

I'm funny high.

Yeah.

All this time, and I never knew.

W-Wait.

Did you guys know and not tell me?

Well, you could've
told me. I love secrets.

I was gonna tell you, but it
was, it was peer pressure. Yeah.

Fell in with a bad crowd.

Well, what about you guys?

I really liked what you
did with the raisins.

Wait, wait.

How did this even happen?

Let's just say that's what
you get for taking my candy.

The bears!

I am so angry!

Wait, that-that didn't come out right.

I'm so angry.

ANDI: Okay, honey, I
think maybe the best thing

is for you to go
upstairs and sleep it off.

(GASPS) A nap! Oh.

I love naps.

(GASPS)

If this is reality, I
can't wait to see my dreams.

Hey.

Oh, you're up.

How you feeling?

Great. I have not had

a good night's sleep
like that in forever.

Honey, it's only : at night.

That's gonna be a problem.

So how much do you remember
about what happened today?

Because you were spectacular.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, well, I learned a few things.

One,

Tyler's a good kid.

Two,

weed is awesome.

Three,

it's not for me.

No. I can't handle being that groovy.

I wrote a song on our bedroom wall

with your makeup pencil.

- You wrote a song?
- (CHUCKLES): Yeah.

This I got to see.

I'm gonna miss stoned Adam.

Oh, Katie.

Uh, I'm glad you're here.

Uh, unless you're still
not ready to talk to me.

Did you hug my boyfriend?

Sounds like you're not ready yet.

Let's give it some time.

Look...

coming down on you
about him was a mistake.

Really?

Yeah.

Sit down.

Katie, I should've trusted
you that Tyler is a good kid.

It's just,

this is all new for me.

You know, you're dating
now, and it's scary.

So I overreact sometimes.

Most times.

A fair amount of times.

- A lot.
- It's not about the numbers.

Anyway...

I am fine with you seeing Tyler.

Thanks, Dad.

Mm.

And... if you ever want to hug
somebody, you can always hug me.

I will take that every time.

How about now?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Dad. How's it going?

Good and getting better.

Looking for that snack
bowl you put together.

(CHUCKLES): Uh, okay.

You know how we say never
take candy from strangers?

Let's put Grandpa on that list.

No... mm-mm.