02x05 - Battle of the Sexists

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hey, I'll take the kids to school.

I want to talk to the principal, again,

about letting Kate play
on the boys' soccer team.

Why are you making
yourself crazy with this?

Even if the school agrees,

you know the boys are
gonna be jerks about it.

Remember that Disney movie

where they put the donkey
on the football team

to kick the field goals?

He did not fit in.

Yeah, I remember that movie.

They went all the way to the
Super Bowl with that donkey.

Okay, kiddos, finish up.

We're out the door in two minutes.

Hey, Adam. We met a guy at
breakfast who wants to apply to

- be foreman of the mini-mall job.
- Oh, is he any good?

Been running a table saw years

and is only missing one finger.

Put him on top of the pile.

I can't wait until
there's a new guy at work.

I've gotten enough guff.

It's time for me to dish some out.

And believe you me,
I've got guff to give.

You keep using words like "guff"

I doubt your life is gonna change much.

Hey, uh, just out of curiosity,
why does it have to be a guy?

What do you mean?

Well, all the applicants are men.

Well, the job is foreman.

It's for a man.

No, that's not why.

Okay, look, my crew

are big, tough guys,

so I need an even bigger, tougher guy

to boss them around.

Plus, we have Porta-Potties.
Those things don't flush.

It's no place for a lady.

You are the father of two daughters.

Would you want Emme and Kate
being denied opportunities?

At a construction site? Yes.

Look, I do what I do

so they can have the
kind of namby-pamby jobs

where your boss has a ponytail
and you can call in sad.

So, women can only do namby-pamby jobs?

No, no, I just...

Why is everyone so quiet?

'Cause you're about to get it, Dad.

No, no, no, no, no.

We are having a friendly
talk that I am gonna win.

Okay?

But just in case I
don't, go wait in the car.

I bet Mom says a bad word.

Oh, I bet she says all of them.

How many bad words are there?

Four big ones and there's,
like, words for butt.

Okay, look, I'm-I'm not saying
women are worse than men.

I'm just saying they're different.

Why did we even go see
Wonder Woman?

What? It's true.

Why can't we say it?

Because there are other
people in the room.

Look, men are better at some things

and women are better at others.

You know, I have to
say... (CLUCKS TONGUE)

you're kind of being a sexist.

Okay, well, you don't have to say it.

Look, I am not a sexist. All right?

I'm just saying what everyone
else is thinking. Right, guys?

Uh, I completely agree with you,

as soon as she leaves.

I would hire a woman because,
again, I am not a sexist.

But no women want this job.

Uh-huh. A-And where did
you advertise for this job?

I told these guys.

You know there are websites

with qualified people looking for jobs.

Maybe you should look there.

Fine. I will.

And I bet there'll be
some women on there.

I'll bet there will.

- And you should find one.
- I will.

- And interview her.
- Fine.

Fine.

I've never seen anyone
lose that slowly before.

Okay, Leonard, thanks for stopping by.

Oh, here, take this with
you. No need to waste it.

(CHUCKLES)

He totally failed my "what's
your favorite lunch" question.

Caesar salad? (SCOFFS)
He's not one of us.

We've interviewed seven guys today

- and none of them are any good.
- Yeah, well,

all right, we're almost
done. We just got one more.

- A lady.
- Really?

You actually did that?

Yeah, because I am not a sexist.

So, we're gonna interview this girl,

who's never gonna get the
job, and then grab some lunch.

- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- All right, that's her, so remember,

she's just a person trying to
get a job, so act professional.

Goes without saying.

Come on in.

Hey.

I'm Zara.

Hey, mama.

So, Zara, uh,

what do you like about construction?

What's there not to like?

I get to smash stuff,
get to drive big machines,

and when you're finished,

there's something there
that wasn't there before.

- Good answer.
- Mm, yeah.

The last guy said he liked
how easy it was to quit.

I see you went to college.

In this job, we build colleges.

We don't go to them.

If you look at the next line,
you'll see that I got a degree

in construction management.

Oh, a big fancy college girl.

I'm sorry. I can't give you guff.

You seem lovely.

Zara, the issue I'm having here

is you don't have a ton
of on-site experience.

Yeah, it's hard for a woman
to get a job on a work site.

Guys just hire other guys.

- What?
- What? - What?

Look, I have enough experience to know

that you'd already have your roof up

if your guys weren't sh**ting
dice behind that forklift.

Don, you said you
were gonna handle that.

I did. They cut us in for %.

That's how we got the
fancy coffee maker.

I'll take care of this.

ZARA: Hey! Get back to work!

Every minute you're on your
ass, I'm docking your pay!

Oh, they're moving now.

Look, Big Ernie just ran into a hole.

Oh, it's okay. Little
Ernie is helping him out.

Ah. Now they're both in the hole.

Nice guys.

Very impressive.

I haven't seen Big Ernie run that fast

since his ex-wife came down here.

You know, I-I think she's hired.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang
on. I have one last question.

If you were ordering lunch
today, what would you get?

Oh, answer's always chili.

Yeah, she's hired.

This is amazing.

Thank you so much for the opportunity.

You won't regret it. I will
work my tail off for you.

Hey, you earned it.

I'm sorry. Before you go...

You look so familiar.

Have we met?

(LAUGHS) Nice try, gramps.

No, I-I really think I know her.

It's because she's attractive.

It happens to me all the time.

People see this and
they think they know me.

Although, often, they just
think I'm Rachel Maddow.

This is so great.

Not only is Zara perfect for the job,

but when Andi sees that I hired a woman,

she's gonna feel bad
for calling me a sexist.

Then you know what I'm gonna see?

Regret face.

Ah, regret face, the rarest
of all the wife faces.

I saw a touch of that on my wedding day.

Hey, honey.

Welcome home.

Wow, you seem chipper.

Ah, just a great day to be alive.

I was very productive,
met a lot of guys,

hired a new foreman.

Oh, yeah? Did you go
with Mr. Nine Fingers?

No, no.

No, not him. Went with someone else.

This one's got body parts
the other guys wish they had.

Okay, so, get this.

I just got off the phone
with Kate's principal

and he said the
administration would discuss

putting Kate on the team.

They don't mean that.

That's the same trick I use on you.

Sexism.

It is the scourge of our country,

but what are you gonna do?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, that's probably the
new foreman coming by

to get the start paperwork.

I'll get it.

I'm very excited to get it.

Andi, meet the new guy.

It's a lady.

Hey. I'm Zara.

Zara, this is my wife, Andi.

Hey.

That stunned look on her face is, uh,

it's 'cause she's not used

to seeing women in construction.

She's kind of old-fashioned. (LAUGHS)

Here's your, uh, here's your paperwork.

- Great, thanks.
- Yeah.

Oh, was there a reason why you
didn't just e-mail this to me?

Yes, yes, there was.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Wait a second, you actually
hired a woman as your foreman?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Perhaps now you'd like to
take back calling me a sexist?

I mean, that word starts off great,

but then goes downhill real fast.

You know what...

maybe I misjudged you.

There it is.

The regret face. Oh.

It's just, it's so beautiful.

I almost can't look straight at it.

It's like an eclipse.

- (LAUGHS)
- No, I'm serious.

I'm so proud of you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, I mean, you were

a dusty old seed

and now you're-you're
just, you're blossoming

into a beautiful flower husband.

I really am. Yeah, I'm, uh,

I'm-I'm changing people's lives.

I think they're gonna put me on a stamp.

(LAUGHS)

Hey. I was waiting in
my car for Zara to leave.

I figured out how I know her.

- What?
- She was a dancer at the Tassel Castle.

What? I thought that place closed down.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I mean, what's the Tassel Castle?

It's the-the strip club
down at the airport.

Oh, Don.

And a little bit Adam.

I think our new foreman may have
left something off her résumé.

Wha...

is he saying that you
hired an exotic dancer?

Apparently.

Although, I don't know why
he's saying it in front of you.

Oh, Adam.

And now only Adam.

No, no, no, no.

You-you were proud of me.

I was blossoming.

I was...

I was gonna be on a stamp.

Ugh.

I guess this isn't the first
time an airport stripper

ruined a husband's day.

Hey, don't be mad at
me, be mad at Don...

He went to the strip club.

Bad Don.

I didn't go for the girls,

Marcy and I used to
go for the hot wings.

You get in free if you bring your wife.

That's a real peek behind the curtain.

No, no, no, you can't
go behind the curtain.

They're very serious about that.

And I'm sure it was Zara.

She was going by the name Amber Breeze.

I am just not comfortable with
you working ten hours a day

with somebody who used to
dance for schlumpy perverts.

Hey. Don't call my wife schlumpy.

Geez.

Uh... okay,

so, you want me to fire her

because she used to dance for a living?

That sounds sexist.

You're the sexist!

- That is not what I meant.
- Okay, yeah,

I know what you meant.

And frankly, it saddens me.

Okay, how could you, the
mother of two daughters,

be so judgmental?

That's women keeping women
down, that's what that is.

I am not a sexist.

I just... I'm suspicious of strippers.

So she's a stripperist.

Look, I believe

that any woman should be
able to have any job. Right?

Unless she's a stripper
and it's with my husband.

I mean, come on,

you're out there building things

and getting all sweaty.

I mean, you're so sexy
when you're sweaty.

I am?

Oh. I've been taking showers

all these years like an idiot.

She has to go. All right?

There is not a wife in America

- who would disagree with me.
- Okay, wait, hang on,

hang on, we're getting
all bent out of shape

about something Don says he
remembers seeing years ago.

I mean, Amber Breeze?

I'm pretty sure that's the
name of the air freshener

in the Porta-Potties.

Look, look.

Before we do anything,

we have to find out if it's even true.

Okay, well, you said you were sure.

How confident are you?

Very.

Like - .

Hey, did you hear anything from school

about me playing on
the boys' soccer team?

Oh, not yet.

Are you sure you really want to do this?

I mean, I've been telling
you since you were two:

stay away from boys, they are gross.

I just want to be on the best team.

Okay, okay,

but those boys only want one thing

and it's not for you to play the goalie.

Honey, she's growing up.

- She's gonna be blocking a
lot of balls. - Don't...

Don't do that.

That's my baby.

All right, look, Zara's
gonna be here any minute

to go over these blueprints with me

and then we'll just ask
her if she was a dancer.

Well, no, we can't just ask her.

I mean, if we're wrong, we're
just gonna look like jerks.

Okay, uh, oh. Well, how about

if I drop a dollar bill on the floor

and we see how she picks it up?

Huh?

I mean, if she, like, if she, like,

crawls across the floor
to get it, case closed.

Or we could try literally anything else.

Fine, we'll do it the slow way.

Okay, and if it turns
out to be true, she's out.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

I'll get the door.

- Hey, come on in.
- Hey.

I stopped by the job site
to get the guys started

and I noticed that the whole
crew wasn't wearing shirts.

Is that normal?

No, they're just not used

to having a girl around.

They're trying to impress you.

Well, I was impressed by
the amount of back hair.

Hey, uh, you know, speaking
of not wearing shirts,

Andi, do you think it's weird
to not wear a shirt at your job?

Well, yeah, I mean, I've
always worn shirts at my job.

You know.

But I bet there are some jobs out there

where-where you don't have to.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Like a lifeguard.
- Mmm.

- Or a TV show lifeguard.
- Right.

Uh...

Zara, can you think of any more?

Lion tamer.

- True. True, true, true, true,
yeah, very true, yeah. - Hmm, yeah.

(QUIETLY): No.

Uh, you know, I know it's kind of early,

but, boy, I would like a beer.

Andi, what's the name
of that beer you like?

Amber something?

I don't know, I'll drink anything.

Andi...

The beer Don was talking about.

(MOUTHS) Oh!

- Oh, set me up again.
- (SCOFFS)

You know, I had... All right,

I've had enough of
this, okay? Hey, Zara,

you know, uh, we heard

that... you might have been

a dancer at the Tassel Castle.

Yes, I was a stripper.

Well, there it is.

- Okay, uh, Zara...
- ZARA: Wait.

Is this gonna be a problem?

Because I really don't
want to lose this job.

You guys are the only
ones that gave me a chance.

Andi?

What, it's-it's none of
my business who you hire.

I don't like to get involved.

Look, it's...

it's not like the Tassel
Castle was my dream job.

My parents didn't approve of me

doing construction
because I was a woman.

They wouldn't pay for my school,

so I had to find a job
where I could work nights,

go to school during the day and
make enough money to pay for it.

I did what I had to do.

And I know some people might judge me.

But I don't care.

I'm proud of myself.

I wasn't gonna let anybody

tell me how I could live my life.

Wow, that...

that is so inspiring.

I can't believe you even thought

about f*ring her over this!

Man...

Zara's been through some stuff.

- Yeah, her parents, huh?
- Yeah, what were they thinking?

I don't know, but... (SCOFFS)
that was quite a story.

I know.

Well, every dancer has a story.

How do you know?

- Don told me.
- Uh-huh.

(KATE SIGHS HEAVILY)

I just got an e-mail
from the principal.

They decided that I'm not allowed

to play on the boys' team.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I just, I don't understand
why it's such a big deal.

I don't like people telling
me how to live my life.

You know what? Neither do I.

You want to play on
the boys' soccer team,

we're gonna make it happen.

Go upstairs, get your
brother and sister...

We're all gonna take you
to school today, okay?

What's gotten into you?

You heard Zara's story... Her
parents didn't support her,

she ended up spinning her
tassels down at the airport.

Andi, what is our number
one job as parents?

To... give our kids...

- love and security?
- Nah.

That's number two and number three.

Number one is to keep
our daughter off the pole.

Okay?

So I am gonna make damn
sure that I support Katie.

Ooh. You're getting all sweaty.

- I like it.
- Oh.

Really? Okay, all right, well,
keep that on a low simmer,

- and we'll meet back here for lunch, okay?
- Okay.

All right. Uh, how...
how sweaty do you want me?

Like a... like a farmer,
or late for a plane?

Like a farmer who's late for a plane.

Wow. Never a dull
moment with you. Ha-ha!

Okay, my wife has something to
say, so I am gonna stand here

and make sure you listen to her.

Huh?

Release the kraken, honey.

You know, I have listened
to all of your excuses

about how it's not practical

to have a girl on the boys' team,

but the bottom line is,

you're the one that's been stopping it,

- because you're a sexist.
- (CHUCKLES) Boom!

Sexist. Boom!

Yeah, and I'm not just
gonna say that to your face,

I'm gonna say it on the Internet.

I'm on Twitter.

Okay? I have followers.

And they all have followers, too.

I'm gonna make you go viral.

So you need to ask yourself:

which side of history
do you want to be on?

Oh. Boom. History.

(MOUTHS)

So, what happened?

You're in.

(LAUGHING): Really? Yes!

- Thank you!
- Oh, hey...

Don't thank me... Your mom did it.

Yeah, you should have seen his face.

Is that what I look
like when you yell at me?

You guys are awesome.

- So, you want to walk me to class?
- No, we can't.

We have to be escorted out by security.

(SIGHS)

No, no, no.

What? The whole crew's doing
it. It's Fresh Air Friday.

That's not a thing.

- It isn't?
- Nah.

Don!

Well, I can't put my shirt on now...

I'm covered in baby oil.

Hey, honey.

How was soccer practice?

We're still not allowed back on campus.

You were right. Boys are gross.

You got to get me back
on the girls' team.

The kids do this to us every time.

(SIGHS)

They get excited about something,

we make it happen, and then they quit.

Hey, guys. I was thinking
about playing the clarinet.

No.

But I really want to.

No, you don't.

Yeah, you're right. I'll
just go play video games.

There you go.

And that's how we're
doing that from now on.

(SCOFFS): Yeah.