02x07 - We Can Be Heroes

[bunniefuu]

What happened to donuts?

This thing is mostly hole.

I think they're making
the middle bigger.

I bought a dozen donuts
and a dozen donut holes.

They don't match up.
Somebody's getting rich.

Huh.

Hey, there they are. (LAUGHS)

How'd the, uh, doctors appointments go?

Turns out Teddy needs
glasses, like, a lot.

The doctor was pretty judgmental.

I got, like, six lollipops.

I got nothing because I'm perfect.

Aw.

Well, don't worry about it, buddy.

We'll get it handled. Go get a snack.

He needs glasses.

That explains so much.

Also, Katie needs braces.

Ugh, I'm gonna look so dorky.

Can I please get the
plastic invisible ones?

I don't see why not.

They're $ , .

I see exactly why not.

Great. Well, I'll have metal mouth.

Guess you can use my
face to open your beers.

That's the spirit.

- Braces and glasses.
- Yeah.

- You're gonna need some quick cash.
- Yeah.

Well, I've got an idea.

How would you feel about taking a tumble

down the escalator at the mall?

I know a guy. He can push you.

You don't even need the courage.

We'll be fine.

We have insurance.

But you came up with that
escalator thing pretty quick.

Next time we go to the mall,
you're walking in front.

Look at this.

Our insurance only gives
us $ for Teddy's glasses.

Where are we supposed to buy them?

The spinny thing at the drugstore?

Well, the drugstore has good stuff.

That's where I get my
sexy sweatpants you like.

And check this out.

The deductible for Katie's braces

is more than the cost
of the actual braces.

Well, they do cover leg braces.

Might as well get her those
if they're giving them away.

Ugh, we can't afford all this.

- Ugh.
- Well, the orthodontist has financing.

He gave me a brochure,

but I dropped it when Teddy
walked into the fish t*nk.

He really can't see.

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

The Burns men don't do financing.

You end up paying triple.

Be cheaper to just send Katie to England

to live with the rest
of the snaggle-toothers.

Well, we have to find
the money somewhere.

Maybe we should go to the
mall and talk about it.

I'm not falling down an escalator, Andi.

Why not? You fall off
stuff all the time.

Let's start making some money.

Hey, pretty lady.

I'm wearing my drugstore sweats.

Let's get crazy.

You know what's crazy is how
tight our budget already is.

So fooling around is out?

Okay, let's talk money.

What's in our rainy day fund?

$ . Yeah.

Which one of Kate's teeth

would you like to straighten with that?

I thought we agreed to keep
that tone out of the bedroom.

Okay, well, I printed out our budget.

And, uh, this page is our necessities.

You know, mortgage,
groceries, stuff like that.

And this page is our extras.

And, um, your cable sports packages

seem to be our biggest extra.

Hold on. No sex, no sports?

I'm sorry I even came in here.

I'm not giving up my sports packages.

Adam, you bought, like, eight of them.

I mean, you shouldn't have more
sports channels than children.

Then let's have more children.

No. Forget I said that.

Look, Andi, these sports packages

are the only thing I have
left that makes me happy.

Well, besides you and the
kids. Blah, blah, blah.

Look, I know you love them,

but I-I-I think they have to go.

The kids? Okay.

But wait a minute, hold
on. What about your extras?

Maybe we can get rid of one of those.

No, I don't have any extras.

I already gave them
all up for the family.

Oh.

Then I guess there's no
coming back from that.

Fine, okay. I'll cancel
my sports packages.

I know it hurts, honey, but
you're doing the right thing.

If it helps, you're
kind of being a hero.

A hero, huh?

That does help.

Hero. As in...

I'd like to dedicate this
Nobel Prize to my father,

Adam Burns, the real hero.

Whatever gets you there, babe.

Ugh, the only thing is

I don't know how I'm
gonna tell the guys.

They love coming over
here to watch the games.

Our house is where
Pittsburgh comes to play.

I know, honey, but I guess from now on,

Pittsburgh's just gonna
have to play with itself.

I know how Pittsburgh feels.

(SPORTSCAST PLAYING, MEN GROANING)

Okay, I know this is your
last sports package game,

but on the upside, I made mini pizzas.

I'm torn. I'm mad at you
for taking away our sports,

but I'm impressed by
these tiny pepperonis.

What did you use, a hole punch?

I just nibbled them down to size.

Man, this stinks.

If I'm not here watching
the game, I have to go home.

That's where my wife lives.

This is our time and Andi took it.

I fought hard to get in here.

I'm not gonna lose it
just because you took a vow

with some hussy you met in a bar.

Look, I know it's tough,

but some situations call for a hero,

a man who's willing to step up

and do what's right for his family.

Well, can you find that guy

and ask him to bring
me a regular size pizza?

Okay, Dad, you and Mom
were always on a budget.

How did you pay for stuff
when Don and I were growing up?

Well, we just chose the
kid with the most potential

and spent our resources on him.

In our case, that was Donny.

Thanks, Pop.

You chose him?

Well, he seemed like the better bet.

He was bigger and he talked more.

You just sat there chewing
on your fist like an apple.

I was a baby.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Is that why I always
got cheese sandwiches

and he got bologna?

Exactly. And it worked.

Look how tall he is, like a redwood.

I am majestic. Thanks again, Pop.

I could never do that with my kids.

Andi wouldn't let me.

Listen, if you want your sports back,

you better cut something
else from this budget.

Where did you get that?

I took the long way to the bathroom.

Folder said "private."
Got me interested.

Who's Josephine?

Give me that.

Wow. Who is Josephine?

- She costs a fortune.
- No, no, no, no.

You don't need to look
at that. You don't...

Just enjoy your pizzas.

I ate two pounds of pepperoni for those.

Tell me who Josephine is.

She's my hairdresser.

Yeah. Josephine makes my hair all,

you know, silky and, you
know, all this one color.

I could do that for free.

Strip it, prime it, paint it.

I've done it a million times.

Wait, why did you put

your hair salon under necessities?

So you wouldn't see it.

Yeah.

See, I showed you the extras

and then I held back the necessities.

It was all very well thought-out.

So you're just shuffling cash around?

That's money laundering.

- You rigged this whole thing.
- Rigged!

You know, there's no
cheaper way to see my game.

None!

But you could easily
find a bargain hair place.

Do it!

All right, Lowell, I can handle this.

Then handle it, man.

What's with him?

I don't know. He had a wine spritzer.

Look, honey, Josephine is a necessity.

All right? It's not just a haircut.

She rubs my shoulders.
She listens to me vent.

You know that-that time
with her, it keeps me going.

It's my last happy thing.

It... besides you and the
kids and blah, blah, blah.

Well, that's how I feel about my sports.

It's a few hours a week
where I don't have to worry

about all the stuff
I have to worry about.

For example, you keeping two
sets of books like the mob.

Well, I don't want to
give up my one last thing.

Well, I don't want to
give up mine, either.

Well, look, one of us is gonna
have to bite the b*llet.

You're right.

I think I know a way we
can settle this like adults.

Then settle it.

All right. Lowell.

You're gonna have to go
take a walk or something.

Okay, what's your plan?

How are we gonna
settle this like adults?

Rock, paper, scissors.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

- BOTH: One, two...
- Wait, wait, wait.

I want this to be fair.

So, I have to tell you, I
know you're gonna do rock.

You always do rock.

Well, that's because I disagree
that anything could b*at rock.

Paper beats rock.

Okay, you throw a piece of paper at me,

I'll throw a rock at you,
let's see who's happier.

Okay, forget I said anything. Ready?

- BOTH: One, two...
- Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, now that you know
I'm gonna throw rock,

I'm gonna change it.

So you're still going with rock?

Well, that was the plan, but
I'm really gonna change it.

Okay, here we go.

Winner keeps their favorite thing.

Loser gives it up.

BOTH: One, two, three, sh**t.

That's what I'm talking about.

Paper crushes rock.

- I double outsmarted you. Right?
- (CHUCKLES) I know.

I had a good -year
winning streak there,

but you got me, so I
will cancel my hair place.

Are you gonna be generous
and classy about this?

Yeah.

Well, it's no fun to b*at someone

who's generous and classy.

Aw, all right, all right,
look. How about this?

How about if we both give
up our favorite thing?

Really?

Hey, the only way we can both be happy

is if we're both unhappy.

Right?

That's what marriage is.

Got to say, I'm impressed.

- Yeah?
- Hmm.

Well, you should be.
I mean, most people,

they have to read
about what a hero does.

But you, you're getting
to see it firsthand.

You're... you're a lucky lady.

What are you watching?

Well, all the sports are gone

so I'm watching The Weather Channel.

San Diego's b*ating
Buffalo by degrees.

Hey, buddy.

Now that you got your new glasses,

let me try something.

Catch.

I knew you could do that!

I'm good at stuff!

Well, hopefully he
can hit the toilet now.

Hey, honey.

What's wrong?

I went to Jiffy Cuts.

Huh?

And this happened.

Oh, boy.

My new hairdresser,
whose name is Cricket,

was texting her boyfriend,
whose name is Sledge.

This country is doomed.

She was distracted, so
instead of using brown dye,

she used bleach.

Oh, but... (CHUCKLES)

the good news is that while
she was shampooing my hair,

her nose ring fell into my mouth.

Sounds like you had
a jam-packed morning.

But didn't it feel good to save money?

Huh? Come on.

It's for the kids.

Oh, you're right. You're right.

This is, this is all so
Katie can have straight teeth.

Yeah, and Teddy, with his new glasses,

I threw him the ball and he caught it.

And not with his face.

We're doing great things here.

Yes, we are.

- It's all worth it.
- Yeah.

And we can save even
more money on Halloween.

Huh?

Do you need to buy a costume?

No, you're already
wearing it on your head.

Hey.

What's going on?

- We're having an intervention.
- Wha...?

You let Andi take away our sports.

You never handled it, man.

- (CLICKS TONGUE)
- I blame myself.

Maybe if you'd had a
little bologna as a kid,

you could stand up to your wife.

Okay, look, this is hard on me, too.

That was my thing, my very last thing,

but I told Andi I'd give it up.

But she played dirty.

She didn't even tell
you about her hair lady.

That's true.

And who won rock, paper, scissors?

I did.

I double outsmarted her.

Did you?

But now I'm stuck watching
cooking shows with Marcy.

I'm real sad, brother.

You hear that?

Do something, boy.

You just made a mighty redwood cry.

Teddy, where are your glasses?

I lost them.

Already?

I'm not used to having them.

When I go somewhere,
everything else on my face

just comes with me.

Okay, well, go look for 'em.

Your dad's in the garage.
I'll go get him to help.

Okay, Kate, your last
meal before braces,

just like you ordered.

Popcorn, salt water
taffy and beef jerky.

You know, those three things
are gonna meet in your stomach

and they are not gonna be friends.

(SCOFFS) I don't even want braces.

How about this: just give me the money

and I'll push my teeth together
with my fingers. Huh? See.

Honey, I know it stinks, all right?

But if it helps, it-it
stinks for all of us.

I mean, your dad gave up his sports

and I look like I'm trying
to m*rder Dalmatians.

Oh!

I hope Andi doesn't find out
you bought the sports package

on the Internet!

It would help if you didn't scream it

at the top of your lungs.

My bad!

Oh, Crosby stole the puck. Come on.

Go, go.

(ALL CHEERING, WHOOPING)

- Yeah!
- (LAUGHS)

Hey! Look who's here.

What's going on?

Uh, okay, it's not what you think.

We were, um, watching an adult movie.

- Really?
- Mm.

'Cause there was a lot of high-fiving.

It was very inspirational.

Okay, look, I canceled all the
cable sports like I promised,

but due to the miracle of technology,

I found all the games on the Internet.

For free?

Free of you knowing about it.

So you were just gonna hide the
expense in the Internet bill?

Well...

Whose idea was this?

It was mine and I'm not sorry.

You might be the wife,

but I'm the hockey buddy;
I have a voice here.

Really, Lowell?

You really want to go
up against the wife?

To be honest, I'm losing steam.

How was this even supposed to work?

I was ten feet away.

Well, we had a plan.

My dad was supposed to be a lookout.

Oh, yeah. Your wife's coming.

I can't believe you bought
the sports packages again.

Okay, I admit, it looks
bad, but you know what?

I won rock, paper,
scissors fair and square.

Okay, that's school
yard rules, no backsies.

That's your argument?

Well, originally it was Don's argument,

which explains why it isn't working.

Actually, it's true.

It is? I mean, it is.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I already gave up Josephine,
you have your sports back.

Everything works out.

Plus, four more punches
on my Jiffy Cuts card

and I get a free beer koozie.

Mm-hmm. So I do something
sneaky and you just give up?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The hairs on the back of
my neck are standing up.

What's the catch?

There's no catch. I'm happy to do it.

You know, and years from now,

when the kids are accepting some award,

they'll probably thank
me for being such a hero

or, I don't know, something like that.

Wait, wait, wait, what'd you say?

- I said I'm happy to do it.
- No, after that.

You said you'd be the hero?

- Well, that goes without saying.
- Then why'd you say it?

- Because I'd be the hero.
- But I like being the hero.

Well, you can't be the hero if
you don't make the sacrifice.

Then I'm giving up my sports.

Too late. I already gave up my hair.

Over my dead body. I'm giving
up my sports and that's final.

Fine. I'll call Josephine
and make an appointment.

You're damn right you will.

Okay, it's settled.

Oh, Andi!

That was low.

At least I didn't play
mind games with you.

I had the decency to straight-up lie.

That's what a real hero does!

Come on, Adam, it's my hair.

My hair.

Yesterday, at the park, a
skunk tried to hump my leg.

Well, of course he did. You're sexy.

Oh, and at work, they
made a new name tag for me.

It says Cruella de Burns.

You have to go through three departments

to get a name tag.

A vice president had to sign off on it.

All right, okay, you know what?

I'm gonna figure out a way
we can both get what we want.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know, but I love you.

I'm not gonna let
people make fun of you.

Only I get to do that.

That is my right as your husband!

That's right.

That is good stuff.

I just got us enough money
to pay for the braces,

the glasses, your hair, everything.

Oh, my God, did you
do the escalator thing?

No, no. I sold the motorcycle.

What? It's not even finished.

Well, Don and I stayed up
all night working on it.

Check it out.

Holy crap!

You got this much for that old bike?

I may have told the guy it
used to belong to Steve McQueen.

(LAUGHS)

You are the sweetest hero ever.

Oh, I can't wait to call
Josephine and get my hair fixed.

Oh, I'm gonna call the cable company

- and get the fun machine turned back on.
- Yeah.

Mom, look at my face.

Oh, no, what happened?

The school nurse says I'm
having an allergic reaction

to the nickel in my braces.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

At least you don't have
Mom's hair, huh? (CHUCKLES)

And that's it for those.

Honey, go upstairs and wash your face.

I'll be right up to
put some medicine on it.

Okay, thanks.

I guess this means I'm getting
the invisible ones. (LAUGHS)

(GROANS) How much are
the plastic braces again?

, more.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

(CRUNCHING)

What was that?

I think you just found Teddy's glasses.

Aah!

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Well, there goes your sports.

And your hair.

But we still got each other.

BOTH: Blah, blah, blah.

- This is nice.
- Yeah, look at us, huh?

Even on a budget, we
could still have fun.

I got my hockey on the radio.
You're getting your hair fixed.

I'm not sure you should
be doing it by candlelight,

but (SCOFFS) I'm half
schnockered, so whatevs.

You got nothing to worry about, babe.

Just like painting a fence.

(RADIO ANNOUNCER TALKING EXCITEDLY) He's
coming around to the left circle.

He sh**t, he scores.

Woo-hoo!

Oh...

What happened?

Uh, we just took the lead.

To my hair, Adam.

Uh, nothing.

But, uh, what didn't happen on this side

needs to also not happen on this side.