02x15 - Out with the In-laws

[bunniefuu]

ADAM: Hey.

How was yoga class?

Amazing. I feel very centered,

'cause we skipped it and went
to the wine bar next door.

And then we nama-stayed
there for a couple hours.

I'm all for it.

You're never more lovely than
when you're half in the bag.

Oh, um, I talked to my
parents, and they're driving in

from Virginia for Easter.

What? No, no, no. I thought you said

Frank and Alice weren't
coming, so I invited my parents.

You got to stop telling me
stuff through the bathroom door.

(GROANS) Oh, this is not good.

Why not? A house full of grandparents...

That's what a holiday's supposed to be.

(CHUCKLES) Not with these jokers.

They are exactly the same,
but they hate each other.

- Like Alabama and Georgia.
- Yeah.

ANDI: It all goes back
to when Katie was born,

'cause both sets of grandparents

wanted to be called Grandma and Grandpa.

So they all agreed that they'd settle it

when they got to the hospital.

Yeah. So my parents said

that they would pick her
parents up on the way.

So Frank and Alice

are waiting outside their hotel,

my dad just drove straight by

- and gave them the finger.
- Yeah.

His parents got to the hospital first,

and claimed Grandma and
Grandpa for themselves.

Yeah. And her parents got
stuck with Nana and Pop Pop.

(CHUCKLING)

Which we don't think is funny.

They didn't take it well.

No, I will not be Nana.

I'm already wearing the Grandma
sweatshirt, Bev... I'm Grandma!

Is that how you talk

to your clients at your
fortune teller business?

I am a licensed therapist.

And it is my professional
opinion that you are cuckoo!

You cheated to get here first.

You drove by and gave me a
crude, one-fingered salute.

I... I was just surprised
to finally see a Navy man.

I sure as hell never saw one

when my Army platoon was
pinned down by Charlie!

We were on a ship.

Oh, yes. Vietnam was a great sea w*r.

And it's been years of that.

Yeah. You know, our folks

should come with one
of those tornado sirens,

so we have time to board up the windows

and strap ourselves to the water heater.

That's why we have a
time share in Lake Placid

- that we have to go to every holiday.
- You do?

- Yeah.
- I love Lake Placid.

It's not real. He made it up.

It's just an excuse to avoid
the battle of the varicose veins.

You know, if you were a good brother,

you would stay here and help me.

Well, if you were a smart brother,

you would have thought of
the fake time share first.

I know. I'm so jealous.

ANDI: Listen, we can't have

both sets of grandparents
for the holiday, right?

We have to uninvite one of them,

and I think my parents
deserve Easter this year.

Deserve? I think that's for
the Easter Bunny to decide,

not you.

Okay, but my parents got
stuck with Thanksgiving,

and that's a B-team holiday
compared to Christmas,

which your parents got.

Thanksgiving

plus Easter equals Christmas.

That's called math.

Yes, my parents got Christmas,
but then they found out

we took your parents to Myrtle Beach.

Christmas minus Myrtle
Beach equals Easter.

Okay?

So put that in your
calculator and smoke it.

Look,

all I'm saying is that your
parents live here, all right?

They're with the kids all the time.

My parents only get to see
them, like, once or twice a year.

Yeah, but I can't uninvite mine.

Well, I can't uninvite mine.

I can't believe you think your parents

should get both Christmas and Easter.

Well, there are reasons.

You remember when your
mother cooked Thanksgiving?

What's that smell? Hmm?

Is that a turkey roasting?

No, it's liver.

Our whole house smelled like
the inside of a burning cow.

Okay.

The only reason she makes that

is because when I first
brought you home to meet them,

you said you liked it.

I was trying to sleep with you.

I didn't know

I was joining the Liver for Life Club.

Will you listen to yourself?

You promised we'd never
fight about our parents.

Again, I was trying to sleep with you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I got great news.

I have great news, too.

Oh, mine's better.

BOTH: My parents aren't coming.

What?

BOTH: Your parents aren't coming?

BOTH: Our parents aren't coming!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah, mine cancelled 'cause
they didn't want to see yours.

Mine, too. (CHUCKLES)

They finally agree on
something. Look at that.

- (LAUGHS)
- Wow.

- Crisis averted, huh?
- Yeah.

God, I feel like I can admit to you now

that I was gonna fake a sprained ankle

and spend the weekend in bed.

I was gonna do the same
thing with lady problems.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- We are so cute.
- Yeah.

Why are there body parts in our fridge?

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

That's liver, honey.

I-I got it for your nana to
cook before she cancelled.

Yeah, Katie, will you take that
outside and put it in the trash?

I want to eat an Easter dinner

that doesn't look like an autopsy.

Ugh.

Wait, put it back in the fridge.

You know, now that I think about it,

if your parents aren't
coming, I should reinvite mine.

Don't you put that back in the fridge.

(WHISTLES)

Listen, if we're gonna reinvite anybody,

it should be my parents.

Put it back in the fridge, Kate.

Why does it get to be your parents?

Freeze, Katie.

Because my parents are
Grandma and Grandpa.

The real deal.

Yours are Nana and Pop Pop.

They're, like, the store brand.

Did you just call my
parents the store brand?

Okay, I'm putting this down.

The place where I'm holding
this is getting warm,

and I think I feel a heartbeat.

I thought we agreed not
to fight about our parents.

Well, hey, I like the store brand.

I mean, it's cheaper and almost as good.

I'm calling my mom.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Geez, Louise.

Okay, look, maybe
there's a third way, okay?

Listen, through no fault of our own,

a grandparent-free weekend

has fallen into our laps.

What if

we say nothing?

What if we reinvite nobody?

We can't do that.

Can we?

I'd like to believe we can do anything.

That's what dreams are made of, Andi.

This is really just us

making the world a better place.

Hmm.

It's a little thin, but I'm in.

ADAM: Hey.

My dad just called.

Him and Mom are stopping by, okay?

But the kids are here.

So?

Hey, when you wanted to have kids,

I warned you they would
be here all the time.

Adam, your parents
aren't coming to Easter

because we told them my
parents were gonna be here.

But they're not coming,

and the kids know that.

The kids are here!

There it is!

But they can't keep a secret.

They'll let it slip,
and we'll get busted.

Yeah.

Okay, uh...

there's only one thing we can do.

Tell your parents the
truth and hope for the best?

No. We teach the kids to lie.

Smart.

Yeah.

Your folks will never see that coming

'cause no good parent
would ever do that.

Yeah, yeah. I mean,

we really should be
better people than this,

- but look who raised us.
- Right?

ANDI: I know we've
told you for your whole lives

that it's wrong to lie,

but it turns out there's
one or two exceptions.

Mm-hmm. That's right.

Now, there's bad lies,

which are almost all lies,

but occasionally, there's a good lie,

or what we like to call a family lie.

Oh, like that time

you told us to say
Mom's hair looked good?

What time was that?

No time.

- It always looks good.
- Aw. (CHUCKLES)

See, that's an example of a family lie.

Okay, well, another example would be

keeping the fact that Nana and Pop Pop

aren't coming to Easter

a secret from Grandma and Grandpa.

And if we don't, you get in trouble?

Give us a second.

We'll do it...

for a price.

TEDDY: We want

unlimited time with the
candy in our Easter baskets.

We eat till we get sick.

Look, I don't care what
comes out of your mouth

as long as it's not the truth.

BEV: Oh, we just stopped by

to let you know

that since you have other plans,

we'll be going out of town for Easter.

Oh, well, good for you.

Where are you guys gonna go?

- Disney World.
- (GASPS)

Uh, w-why? What?

Why would you guys go there?

That's for kids.

Good point. Hey, kids.

I've got a crazy idea.

Why don't we take all of you?

Huh?

Oh, Joe, that sounds wonderful.

But they can't come

because they've chosen to
spend Easter here with...

what do they call themselves?

MeeMu and Flip Flop.

Well, there goes Disney World.

What?!

What's happening?

- You never said anything about...
- Whoa, whoa.

You've got a runny nose.
Will you look at that?

Let's take you into the pantry

where we always handle runny
noses, huh? Here you go.

(CHUCKLES) Now, listen.

No, you listen.

I'm going to Disney.

Everything I love is there.

But...

No buts.

I will end you over this.

Andi!

- Be right there.
- So, Grandma.

Let's circle back to this Disney thing.

Okay, you know what? H... Why don't we

go help you dad find the tissues?

Huh?

- It's working.
- Mmm.

We're getting this holiday back.

Emme, we can't go to Disney
with Grandma and Grandpa,

'cause Nana and Pop Pop would
be so jealous they'd have to...

- I don't know, move in with us.
- Yeah.

I'm telling Grandma
and Grandpa everything.

And then I'm packing for Florida.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Okay, uh, if you guys stick to our plan

and keep everything we've
talked about between us,

we'll take you to...

- Disney World.
- What?

I was gonna take them to frozen yogurt.

I got a coupon.

Nice try. I want to
hear more from the lady.

We will take you to Disney this summer.

Great. Peak season.

Why don't you just put all our
money in a pile and burn it?

Okay, but we need to see
dates, receipts, confirmations.

You don't trust us to book it?

You literally just taught us to lie.

Okay. Well, it only took five of us,

but we got that runny nose handled.

So are we all going to Disney World?

I don't think Nana has
ever taken you there,

but that's really
something a grandma does.

Mom,

they're not going to Florida with you.

Are you kidding me?

But we-we already bought the tickets.

Did you?

Well, we could have.

- This is nice.
- Mmm.

You know how I know there's
no grandparents here?

Hmm?

The Golf Channel isn't playing
at the volume of a Who concert.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

ALICE: Andi.

It's Mom and Dad.

What are my parents doing here?

Wh...? What do we do?

Uh, get low and crawl upstairs.

Very funny.

Well, at least it's an idea.

- You got anything?
- Yeah, open the door.

Last chance.

Happiness is over in three...

two... one...

Frank, Alice. Wow.

Look who it is, Andi.

Boy, Frank, you are full of surprises.

Well, I like to keep things interesting.

We can't all get by on our good looks.

And ever when we do,
it doesn't last forever.

Well, I don't have to tell you that.

Get my bag.

- Hi, Daddy. (LAUGHS)
- Hello, kitten.

- Hi, Mom.
- Oh, hi, honey bun. Ooh.

So, uh, wh-what are
you guys doing here?

Well, uh, Joe and Bev
may have Easter Day,

but we're making a new
holiday, Easter Eve.

- Where the kids
- Mmm.

get baskets full of candy,

and they have an egg hunt.

Ah.

But th-that's what they do on Easter.

Oh, no. Oh, poor Joe and Bev.

It's gonna ruin their Easter Day.

Oh, well. You know,

- the ups and downs of life.
- Yeah.

I am riding that wave right now.

I j... I just wish you guys
hadn't gone to all this trouble.

What trouble? It was a quick

seven-and-a-half hour drive.

Yeah, and we only stopped once,

and I peed behind a thorn bush.

- So...
- Oh.

I'm hoping that you have some Neosporin

and a floor mirror.

What a beautiful Easter story, Mom.

She had to cook liver.

The whole house smells
like a cat food factory.

So open the window.

That's not gonna do it.

We're gonna need to drop a
load of Febreze on this place

from one of those firefighting planes.

Okay. Honey, you need,
you need to settle down.

Settle down?

I've lied to my folks,
paid an arm and a leg

to go to stupid Florida.

I will have my quiet holiday, okay?

You need to get rid
of Meemu and Flip-Flop.

I cannot believe you
just called them that.

I did and it was fun.

What happened to not
fighting about our parents?

Your mother took my shaving
mirror two hours ago.

Think of what it's seeing.

Yeah, I saw my dad head
upstairs with a flashlight.

It's a real expedition.

Adam, I am not telling
my parents to leave, okay?

They're here because they love us.

They're here because
they're trying to steal

what they think is my parents' holiday.

Well, I think my parents

are entitled to steal a few holidays,

just like your parents stole
the good grandparent names.

Why don't you just admit it, huh?

You like your parents better than mine.

Of course I do, they're my parents.

Oh, I see. You know what?

I'd go sleep in the guest
room if it wasn't full

of your parents and liver farts.

Oh.

Come on, honey. Come here.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry.

Me, too. I...

I don't want to fight with you.

They do this to us, you know?

If they weren't so miserable together,

we could have holidays
like normal people.

Yeah.

Like the people in car commercials.

Yeah. (SIGHS)

You know what? I'm done with this.

I'm calling my parents tomorrow,

and I am ordering them to
come over here for Easter.

We'll sit them all
down and we'll tell them

we're sick of their fighting.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Right to their faces?

Yep.

Yeah. I'm more comfortable

just rolling my eyes behind their backs.

Honey, nothing's gonna
change unless we change it.

Okay. You know, I'm not afraid of them.

Good. Yeah.

I'm glad we're a team on this.

We absolutely are.

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

After you do it, be
sure to come back up here

and tell me how it went.

Eh, eh, that's not how you do it.

You've got to hide the egg,

otherwise it's not an egg "hunt,"

it's an egg "see."

All right, we can do this.

We just stick together, and we get...

Andi?

I'm coming.

Stop doing that.

It took us minutes to get downstairs.

I don't think a naval officer

has to have anything explained to him

by an army grunt.

Those are wise words, Admiral Flip Flop.

Boys, boys, come on, let's not fight.

It's Easter.

Bev, try some of my coffee cake.

Your son says it's magical.

Magical, huh?

Will it make you
disappear back to Virginia?

Look at that.

They need to hear this. Come on.

Okay, that's enough.

We need to talk to you

about these holidays, okay?

It's not gonna be an easy conversation,

but we have to clear the air.

I think he's finally gonna apologize.

What? Me, apologize? For what?

For ruining the holidays.

Why is she saying my words?

Whenever we're all together,

you two are always
so tense and agitated.

You're not easy to be around.

You're the ones who cancelled Easter

because you said you didn't
want to see each other.

We were trying to be
nice. We don't want to

put pressure on you,
because you're so fragile.

(STAMMERS)

The only reason we're tense is

because you guys fight all the time.

Yeah, I mean, you seem like
you don't like each other.

We're in-laws... we're not
supposed to like each other.

- I really don't like anybody.
- Mmm.

This generation,

they think everybody's supposed to be

happy and nice all the time.

An-And, if-if I may...

Your unrealistic expectations are

the cause of the problem.

- Good point.
- Good point.

- That's right.
- Very good.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's true.

Oh. Well, then, I guess we're...

Sorry?

Somehow, we are.

Oh, they feel bad. That's nice.

Well, you've really taught us a lesson.

Yeah.

But, you know, unfortunately, guys,

I gotta go upstairs.

Lady problems.

What?

And, Adam, you better

come upstairs and get off

that ankle you sprained yesterday.

That is a beautiful family lie.

(ADAM GROANING) Aw...

- Joe.
- Yeah?

Let's watch some golf.

Yeah. Turn it up.

I love having all you guys here.

Oh, we love being here.

I always forget about this part.

- I like this part.
- Yeah.

But they're the crazy ones, right?

Oh, yeah, it's wack-a-doo
city over there.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, what time's the ga... Hey.

Whoa.

Look at this.

Marcy, everybody's here.

I see that. (CHUCKLES)

- Well, we just popped in for a second.
- Yeah.

We're heading to our
time-share any minute.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

We never get to spend time with you two.

I know, but it's impossible
to get out of a time-share.

Everybody knows that. Right?

You told me you got rid

of all the grandparents.

Got rid of us?

What do you mean, "got rid of us"?

Adam, were you trying

to have Easter without us?

Don's time-share is a fake.

- What?!
- What?!

What are you doing to me?

Happy Easter.

Somebody get this man some liver.