02x18 - The Burns System

[bunniefuu]

(HONKING HORN LOUDLY)

All right, all right.

Hey, Dad, there's this new thing
people are doing these days.

It's called knocking.

I'm old, you come to me.

Listen, I'm on my way to buy a new car.

I'm gonna use the Burns system.

The Burns car buying system is a legend.

- Yeah.
- Your dad handed it down to you,

and then you handed it
down to, well, my brother.

Well, this time I want you
in the showroom with me.

Wh... you and me?

You always do it with Don.

Oh, not today.

Oh, is Don sick?

Are you coming or not?

Let me just go tell
Andi we're heading out.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CAR HORN BLARING)

All right, I'm hurrying.

Adam, look what Emme just brought down

from her room. I-It's a snake!

ADAM: What? Emme,

we don't allow weird pets in the house

ever since I accidentally
drank Teddy's sea monkeys.

Put him back in there.

- But he's cute.
- No, no, no, honey.

You're cute,

'cause you have cute little ears,

and your cute little hands
and your cute little feet.

Snake's got none of that.

ANDI: Yeah.

Yeah, he's just a
legless k*lling machine.

They go for the
eyeballs first, you know.

Honey, you have to get rid of it.

I can't. Dad's outside,
he just invited me

to do the Burns system with him.

Oh, is Don sick?

No, no, he wants me.

After years of having to wait
in the car and watch them do it,

today I get to finally
go inside the showroom.

- I'm moving up!
- Okay.

Look, I'm all for you
bonding with your dad,

but, you know, this is your job, okay?

You handle the creepy-crawlies.

What? It's just a harmless corn snake.

You can do this.

You are a strong,
independent woman, okay?

And in the name of women's liberation,

I will not... no, no, I cannot

do something that you
can do on your own.

- (CAR HORN HONKS)
- Gotta go.

Wait, you mean... whoa!

You're really going to
leave me here with a snake?

Equal rights!

Emme, where'd you even get that thing?

I traded it for a Twinkie at school.

Honey, y-you can't
keep that gross snake.

He's not gross.

His name is Brian and I love him.

What if I traded you two
Twinkies for that snake?

So long, Brian.

All right, this is the one.

Now we just have to make the deal.

I can't believe I'm here,
doing the Burns system.

I've been on the bench so long

and you finally put me in the game.

I won't let you down, Coach.

Settle down, Sally.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

There's the salesman.

Now, here's what we
do: you be the good cop,

I'll be the grouchy-old-man-
who-hates-everything cop.

Roger that, partner. (CHUCKLES)

I don't need to do that.

She's a beaut, isn't she?

This one's loaded.

It's got radar cruise
control and parking assist.

It can park itself.

Sounds like it doesn't
need me. Let's go.

W-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ea-Ease up, Dad. He's
just doing his job.

Sorry about that.
He's-he's pretty tough.

Tell us more.

Well, this is our first model

with a completely digital dashboard.

There's no ignition.

Where does the key go?

There's actually no key, just a fob.

You're a fob.

He likes to make the names
of things into insults.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah. Yesterday,
he called me a doorbell.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I should tell
you about the Bluetooth.

You're a Bluetooth.

Reggie. It's actually Reggie.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Hey, Dad,

why don't you, uh,
have a seat? Let me talk

to this guy for a second, huh?

Hey, listen, uh,

neither of us wants to spend our
whole Saturday dealing with him.

Okay? So we need to be on the same team.

Thanks. You think we can
get him to take a test drive?

'Cause that's where I shine.

Definitely. I mean, you're gonna
have to throw in chrome wheels

if we buy the car.

I can swing that.

Good, good. Oh, and, also,
you're gonna need to take him

to a drive-through and
buy us some breakfast.

He needs to see if he can eat
and drive at the same time.

- I don't have any cash.
- Oh, don't worry.

We'll take you to an ATM.

- (SIGHS)
- Reggie, Reggie,

I don't want to see you lose this sale.

Okay.

I'll grab the fob.

I mean the key. We'll call it a key.

I like you, Reggie.

I knew right away you were special.

(CHUCKLES)

How'd it go?

You get the chrome wheels?

Not only that... I got
him to throw in breakfast.

Oh! Oh, Donny never did that.

Welcome to the bigs, son.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

I-I just got something in my eye.

Look at him.

Just staring at me.

Trying to figure out how to
get all of me in his mouth.

So what are you gonna do with it?

Well, how 'bout this?

I leave the room,

and then you take care
of it however you want.

And, uh, if I hear the blender,

no judgments.

I am not blending your snake, okay?

I am not touching that thing at all.

Well, I don't want to touch it either.

Well, then we're stuck.

What happened to me?

You know? I mean, I-I
used to take care of

all the creepy-crawlies
before I got married.

And I was good at it.

I think having a husband's made me soft.

Oh.

That's not good.

I read on the Internet that,

in ten years, there won't
be any men left at all.

They carry their phones
in their front pocket,

and the radiation is turning them all

into a bunch of Ken dolls.

(GROANS) I've never gotten
sick from a test drive before.

I do panic stops to make
sure the brakes work.

Hey, thanks again for breakfast.

Sorry you couldn't keep yours down.

I don't trust a guy with a weak stomach.

- Let's go to the dealer next door.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, listen, you're losing him.

You're gonna have to sweeten the
pot with an extended warranty.

Okay. Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Great, great. And on your
way back, don't be afraid

to bring us some of your fancy coffees.

All right? He gets sleepy
after a big breakfast.

- All right.
- And maybe get yourself a mint.

This is going great. He's
agreeing to everything.

Yeah! And here comes phase two.

- Oh, what's phase two?
- Donny.

What's he doing here?

I called in a closer.

Closer? Dad, I can be a closer.

I'm here. Where's the mark?

Why don't you mind your own business?

Lowell, are you part of this?

I've just heard so much
about the Burns system,

I had to see it in person.

Did you come to watch, too?

No! I'm doing it.

I was here first.

Oh, good, there's more of you.

This is my older son.
He's a real car expert.

That's right. I've been riding
in cars since I was a kid.

Started in the backseat.

Did so well, they moved me up front.

I thought we were doing great together.

Yeah. Just watch him
work. The kid is a star.

Hey, let me ask you something.

- Are there any ghosts in that car?
- What?

Is the car ghost-free?
It's a basic question, man.

You seem like the kind of guy
that might sell me a ghost car.

Where does he get this stuff?

From me. You know how much
time we spend together.

ANDI: Okay, well,

I called the zoo, I
called the pet store.

Nobody wants Brian.

And most of the people I talked to

tried to get me to take their snakes.

I guess we leave the snake
here and you just move.

It's Brian's house now.

No, he's going to the pet store, okay?

We'll just take him out of
the box and we'll sneak him in.

How are we gonna get the
snake from here to the store

if neither one of us wants to touch it?

(GASPS) I know. We'll sneak
him in there in my other purse.

It's snakeskin.

(GASPS)

He'll feel right at home.

Okay. All right. So...

(GROANS) Ew.

Uh...

Okay, Brian, jump on in.

Come on. (WHISTLES)

Come on. You can do it, boy!

Come on. (WHISTLES)

- Come on!
- Yeah, I don't think

snakes follow directions
without a flute.

Okay. Well, uh...

you hold the purse.

- (SNIFFS)
- (GROANS)

- All right, ready?
- Ugh.

Here goes nothing.

(GROANS)

- (GROANS)
- (MOANING)

We did it!

Yeah.

- (PANTING)
- Huh. All right.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Good job, us. (CHUCKLES)

There's an old Twizzler in there.

Oh, maybe he'll fall in love.

All right. All Dad has to do
is sign on the dotted line.

You can thank me later.

Whatever. We were
doing fine without you.

Hey, you got your dad a great car.

Does it diminish it just
because your brother helped?

Yes!

Don't you know how family works?

JOE: Forget it.

I'm not signing this.

What happened?

None of your Bluetooth business, fobbo.

Is that part of the system?

Who knows? Nobody tells me anything.

This is definitely new.

I'm leaving.

- What?
- Yeah.

What about the car?

I don't need a car.

I don't know, Dad. I
liked that car, too.

Who asked you?

Dad, this is me, Donny.

That's the voice you use for Adam.

Okay, I think we should
all just settle down.

You want a piece of this?

No, sir.

How can I have a piece of it
when I'm all the way over there?

Just tell me what happened.

I don't have to tell you anything.

What, are you waiting for me to leave

so you can tell your number one son?

He's too emotional. I should
have left him in the car.

Okay, you know what? I'm leaving.

I wasted my whole
Saturday because I wanted

to get closer to you.
But I'm through trying.

Maybe you two can go to Six
Flags together again, huh?

Which I know you took him
to, even though you said

you were going to the doctor.

Nobody comes home from a
checkup with cotton candy.

(EXHALES)

I told you to ditch the cotton candy,

but you had to be a show-off.

It was my half-birthday.

Just take me home, Donny.

(SCOFFS)

They left?

I think something went
wrong with their system.

Oh, they have a system?

Teach it to me.

I-I shouldn't.

I've already said too much.

We can offer you
complimentary flavored Perrier.

Okay.

Well, hello.

Hi. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, we are shopping for a snake.

Ah, so you're snakies like me.

Sure, yeah. Love snakes.

H-H-How they don't
have feet and stuff.

(CHUCKLES) So, uh, so where are they?

Okay, my serpent friends are
chilling along the back wall.

It's a, uh, cold-blooded joke.

(LAUGHS) That's terrifying.

Um, do-do... uh, if you don't mind,

we'd like a moment alone to browse.

Yeah, of course.

- Okay.
- Great.

All right, all right, all right,

- let's get rid of this thing.
- Okay.

Adios, Brian.

Hey.

You're trying to leave a snake.

This happens every time
a woman comes in here.

(GASPS) Look, another woman.

Brian?

What? Where is he?

I think we both closed our eyes

when you were putting him in your purse.

I'll bet he never made it in.

That means there's a
snake loose in my house.

Ooh. Sounds like my kind of house.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, a little tip.

Um, you're creepy. Stop it.

Hey. How was car shopping with Grandpa?

All right, listen, guys.

I just want you to know that
I love all of you equally.

If I take one of you to Six Flags,

I take all of you to Six Flags.

We're going to Six Flags?

No, no, it's too expensive
to take all of you.

Go read a book.

(SIGHS)

(SCOFFS)

Where is the remote?

Aah!

(LAUGHING): Yeah.

You better run.

That scream was a w*r cry.

It's been minutes and
there's still no sign of Brian.

Wait.

Can a snake climb stairs?

Let's say no.

I can't find him.

We may need to buy a hawk.

Okay, let's just sit down and look like

we're not paying attention
and then, you know,

maybe Brian'll come out

and, you know, try to m*rder us.

Hey.

How was your big,
special day with your dad?

Ugh. He brought Don in,

so I think it was
their big, special day.

Aw. I'm sorry, honey.

Ah, it's okay.

I'm fine.

I'm the number two son.

If I'm that guy, I'm that guy.

And being number two is not bad.

No, like Batman and Robin.

Sure, Batman gets all the glory,

but Robin... (CHUCKLES)

Who am I kidding? Robin sucks.

Adam, you've got to tell
your dad how you feel.

Look, I can't have a real
conversation with that guy.

You know, emotional
stuff's your department.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I'm not great at your stuff, either.

I mean, being married has made me soft.

I mean, you do all
the yucky stuff for me.

But I thought you liked that.

Well, I did, but now I just...

I'm a little disappointed
in myself, you know?

I don't understand
why I can't... (GASPS)

Adam, there's Brian.

- Get him. Get him.
- Okay.

Uh...

- No.
- What?

Pick up that snake, Andi.

This is your moment.

- What? No, it's not.
- Yeah.

You want to do it, right? So do it.

Well, I can't.

Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

You remember when Teddy was little,

and his nose was all stuffed up

and you had to pull all that gunk out?

And it just kept coming and coming

and coming like a magician's scarf?

Huh? Only it wasn't a scarf.

It was a snot snake.

That's much worse than a real snake.

I did do that.

Yes, you did and you can do this.

Yeah.

Okay.

- Yeah.
- I'm doing it.

Okay.

- I'm doing it right now.
- Yeah.

You got to get a little closer.

Oh.

Okay.

- Hey, little buddy.
- Come on.

I'm gonna pick you up now.

Here I come.

Stay away from my eyeballs.

Aah.

Look at you.

I know. I did it.

- (LAUGHS)
- I did it!

Oh, sorry, Brian.

Aw. Hey, you know what?

He is kind of cute.

- Mm.
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, maybe we could keep him.

What does he eat?

Dead baby mice.

So long, Brian.

There you go.

Hi, Andi.

Hey, Joe.

Enough small talk. Let's eat.

You know,

any time you make my
mother's beef stew recipe,

I come running.

I do know that.

And I-I told a little fib.

Yeah, you're not here to have beef stew.

You're here to have feelings with Adam.

What?

I smell Grandma's beef stew.

(CHUCKLES) Wait.

What's he doing here?

ANDI: I called your father

over here because, you know,

you helped me with my thing,

so now I'm gonna help you with yours.

- (GROANS)
- This is your moment.

(WHISPERING): Pick up that snake.

I don't want to.

Ah, no talking, no stew.

All right? I will dump
this in the sink right now.

- Okay, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.

Let me see it.

(GROANS)

Damn, that looks good.

Okay, fine.

Okay.

Then I will leave you to it.

And if I don't hear
feelings, the stew gets it.

You got something to say to me?

You got something to say to me?

Okay, fine. I'll start.

I thought we were gonna do the
Burns system just the two of us,

like you and Don always did.

Then you brought him in and...

I got my feelings hurt.

That's what the yelling was all about?

The Burns system was
never a two-man operation.

Well, then who else was in it?

Some other guy I don't even know about?

You!

You were the kid in the car

that had a baseball game to get to.

You were our clock to rush the guy.

Then why did Don
always get to go inside?

It had to be you inside the car.

Nobody's gonna feel sorry
for Don sitting out there

with his head sticking out of
the sun roof like a giraffe.

So I was in it.

Yeah.

There was never a Burns
system without you.

I see.

What's the matter?

I got something in my eye again.

Must be allergy season. Yeah.

You got something in your eye, too?

No.

I'm just

sorry that we didn't close the deal.

Yeah, what happened back there?

Why didn't you buy the car?

It's not important.

Andi, Dad won't tell
me what he's feeling.

All right. All... all right.

The thing is, when I
went to close the deal,

the salesman said that that car
would last me a good years.

So?

So, I-I realized this
might be my last car.

It just kind of hit me.

Oh.

Well... I get it.

It happens.

I fell asleep sitting in a
chair at Ikea the other day.

That's not something a young man does.

(CHUCKLES)

Listen, napping is one
of the perks of old age.

We should go to a
baseball game together.

That's a good three
and a half hour siesta.

- Hey, I got an idea.
- Huh?

Let's lease you a car.

Those only last a couple years.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

Good.

Yeah, good.

Listen, um,

don't tell Don about what I-I told you.

He doesn't like to talk
about feelings like you do.

Oh.

Because you guys aren't
as close as we are?

No. Because he lacks your
overabundance of lady hormones.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Aw, I'm really proud of you both.

Hey. Here, look at me.

Say "feelings."

Oh! That's going on the Christmas card

and you can't stop me.

She's bossy, but she
sure makes a fine stew.

Well, she's good at a lot of things.

You should see her handle a snake.

I don't want to hear
about your private life.

- What's happening?
- ANDI: Hey, Don.

It's stew night and nobody called me?

Come on. There's plenty.

Already picked out most
of the good stuff, anyway.

What's wrong with you?

I just bought a car.

The salesman offered me free Perrier

and the next thing I
know, I'm driving home

in a new -passenger van.

I don't even know people.