04x08 - Charlie and the Weed Factory

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Workin' Moms". Aired: January 2017 to present.*
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"Workin' Moms" revolves around a group of friends dealing with the challenges of being working mothers.
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04x08 - Charlie and the Weed Factory

Post by bunniefuu »

(Elevator dings, door rumbles open)

Kate: Charlie?

Are you in here, Honey?

(Worried gasp)

Oh my God, do not lick anything,

okay?

Baby, I need you to say
something, okay?

This is not a game.

Charlie?!
(Glass jar rattles on ground)

Charlie?! Charlie?!

Charlie, where are you?!
Charlie?!

- (Hard whack)
- Oof! Ungh!

(Lights flick off)

(Fizzling off and on)

(Gasps loudly, breathing hard)

(Low hum of chatter)

Rhoda, that's enough screen
time, please.

Rhoda?!

(Under her breath)
Oh my God...

Oh my God, it's Maybel.

Posture. Thank you.

Jenny: Did you use Mommy's
products in your hair?

- I knew it.
- Kate: Anne!

- (Whispers) Anne!
- Jamye, honey, are you hungry?

Do you want a snack?

- No.
- No. Okay.

Val: Would anyone care to share
a latest accomplishment?

(Eager gasp)

- Oh, Charlie.
- What the f*ck?

Well, I went food shopping
the other day.

I mean, like, I ordered it from home.

Like on an app?
But still, it got there.

Val: That's excellent!

I was hoping you were going to report

progress on another front.

Charlie: You mean progress
with my buttons, Val?

Or how 'bout my zippers?!
Or my snaps?!

Or putting on my own pants?!

Nope! Not much progress
to report,

thank you very much!

But you know what?

My mom says I don't have to learn that.

Just wearing a giant t-shirt
is fine enough.

Right, Mommy?

Mmmmuah!

Mama.

Alicia: I don't mean to be
rude,

- but what is that smell?
- Anne: Oh, don't be cute.

Alicia, you know that Charlie
crapped himself.

Yeah, but isn't he just
wearing a shirt?

Is it... in your lap, Kate?

Alicia: No! It is not in
your lap,

- is it, Kate?
- Oh man...

Your child knows how
to button his pants

and use the toilet, right?

Frankie: Kate,
can you please change him?

He smells very, very bad.

This is... not happening.

Please! Everybody leave
my mom alone!

Ugh! I'm sorry I'm a monster,
okay, Mom?!

I'm a monster, 'kay?!

Monster, 'kay?!

Monster, 'kay?!

Monster, 'kay?!
Monster, 'kay?!

- Monster, 'kay?!
- (Val shrieks)

Monster, 'kay?!

Intercom Voice: Monster.

Would Kay Monster please report
to the snack bar?

- (Gasps)
- Kay Monster,

please report to the snack bar.

- (Groans softly)
- Intercom Voice: Monster.

Would Kay Monster please report
to the snack bar?

- (Exhales in pain)
- Kay Monster...

Please report to the snack bar.

- (Door clicks open)
- Kate: (Groans)

- Charlie...
- (Door bangs shut)

Charlie?! (Frantic breaths)

- (Light fizzles out)
- No!

Seriously?!

Hey. Yeah, Reg, uh,
can you just open the house

and get it started?

Thanks. I'll be there
as soon as I can.

(Car honks nearby)

No. Way.

Goddammit! Citizens arrest!

- Ungh!
- I hate you! Son-of-a-bitch!

- Ungh! Ungh! Ungh!
- (Grunting in pain) You crazy?

Where is it?!

Where is it?!
I know it's in here!

(Grunting and whimpering)

- Right, oh right, yeah, Sean.
- Huh.

Timothy.

Bruce? Really?

- Solomon. All right.
- (Groans in pain)

There's only one Solomon in my life,

and he shits his pants.

- (Grunting)
- I'm calling the cops.

(Gasps)
Jesus.

- Ungh!
- (Grunts)

Hello.

Do you have a citizen's arrest
division?

Yes, I'll hold.

- (Fob slides uselessly)
- Kate: Um...

come on.

Hello?! (Bangs on door)

f*ck! (Breathing hard)

Think.

(Phone line rings, door bangs shut)

Oh my God, Anne? Anne?

Anne: I'm just gonna come out
say it.

Is Maya your new best friend or what?

What? I can't talk
about that right now.

Listen to me, I'm in trouble.

I have lost Charlie

in the Admiral Weed Beer factory and...

- What?
- (Cutting out) Locked in the stairwell...

- (Phone disconnects)
- Kate, what?!

Anne?

Oh my God.

Goddammit.

Oh f*ck. (Lights flick on)

(Breathing hard) All right.

(Scanner beeps)

- I'm Kay Monster, I'm...
- (Door clicks shut)

Char... Charlie.
Hey, sweetie.

(Kissing)

Oh my God, you're okay!

I guess this little guy's
been asking for you then?

- (Relieved sigh)
- Oh my God, is your head okay?

Oh, yeah. No, it's great actually.

You were hungry, so you got
yourself a snack?

He just marched right in here,

picked that cookie, paid for it!

- You knew how to do that?
- He seemed pretty competent.

He even went and used the bathroom.

He what? Did you have
to pressure him to...

pull his pants up?
I mean, the button,

he's terr-he's terrible
at buttons. Did you...

Oh, no, no, no. I didn't go
in there with him.

- Was I supposed to?
- (Sniffling)

Oh, you knew how to do it
by yourself, huh?

You even knew to say Kate Foster.

Uh, well, he didn't exactly
get your name right.

Hey, buddy, he's literally
k*lling at life right now.

Totally. I'm sorry.

Yeah, he's awesome.
He's great.

- (Elevator dings)
- f*ckin', damn straight he is!

Craig: Sorry about the trapped elevator.

Very thirsty though.
Very thirsty.

Oh, guys! Look who I found!

- Oh! Thank goodness.
- Hey! Little man!

- What happened to you?
- Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Jesus.

Yeah, I'm sorry I had
to leave the tour like that.

Not my most professional moment.

(Belches loudly) Oh, I think
I drank too much water.

Uh, I can hear it my belly.
Listen to that.

Sounds like a waterbed.

Oh, I have always liked
the idea of a waterbed.

Like you're drifting out to sea...

- Hmm...
- William, you seem relaxed.

(Clears throat) Well, I don't
feel like running into traffic,

but this guy is clearly high.

Uh, look, now, hold on now.

The, the, the beer, it's not
usually this strong.

Okay, Craig...

Look, there was a f*ck up today,

but yeah, a couple batches
got overdosed.

- What?
- Um...

I can assure you,

none of that left the premises!

Trust me, they're taking
every possible precaution.

Anne: Kate, oh my God,
did you find him?!

- Oh, hi, buddy!
- Anne! What're you doing here?

What do you mean,
what am I doing here?

- I am saving your life!
- Well...

You sounded like you were in
a "Saw Movie"! Dude, your head!

I know. It looks worse than it is.

- Oh my God, is it this sh*t?
- What?

Is this what you were drinking

when you f*cked your face up?
Did you not learn anything

- when Alice almost got arrested?
- Uh...

- Um, who's Alice?
- My 13-year-old daughter.

Her and her idiot friends
drank this stuff

and destroyed Kate's office.

- Is that true?
- (Shocked) Wha... wait, what?

Okay... (Chuckles)

Anne, I'd like to introduce
you to Craig, the CEO of Après

and William, a reporter

writing on the safety of this product.

Mm... sh*t.

So you of all people must
agree with me...

this product is too dangerous.

- It should be banned.
- Well...

Mm...

But that would only make it
more desirable.

- Look, I'm a psychiatrist.
- You are?

I'm actually writing about
this right now.

Oh, well, what does the
professional community think?

That this is a very
complicated situation

and that should be taken on
a case by case basis.

And, in my case,
I came to the conclusion

that my daughter needs more freedom.

- Let her run her own train.
- Excuse me?

Okay, uh... so what I think
Anne is saying,

uh, in, in uh, in her own way,

is that weed isn't going
anywhere. Right, Anne?

Yeah.

Yes, and weed beer's not
going anywhere.

So the smartest thing you can
do, William, is...

is to write about that.

Uh, if you really wanna keep
the public protected,

if you wanna keep them safe,

educate them, empower them.

You make a fair point.

Hey, hey. (Hard thwap)

Come here, buddy.
Come here, man.

- Love you.
- Oh.

Let's get you cleaned up. I
got some wet wipes in the car.

Oh, thank God.

You okay, buddy?

I could've driven.

Dude, I'm not saying it again.

You may have a concussion.

I'm gonna tell Nathan to wake
you up every 45 minutes.

- You don't have to do that.
- No, I'm gonna talk to him.

With or without your hands
around his throat?

Sorry I haven't been that
supportive of your decision.

I do think I made it up to you
back there though.

Big time.

- You stole the show.
- Thank you!

No, excuse me, I'm talking
to your outfit.

Is it hard to work at a record
store all day

when you just wanna jam
in a band, Cool Outfit?

(Laughs)

Sorry I'm not as cool as
your other mom friends.

You mean Maya?

Maya is not my best friend,
you idiot. You are.

I would literally leave Nathan
in an amusement park,

starving and alone with both kids,

- if it meant losing you.
- Yes! Oh my God, me too!

- I'd be like, "Bye, Lionel!"
- "Keep 'em alive!"

- They'd be fine.
- Exactly!

So what's the issue here?
We're sisters.

Sisters by blood.
Blood sisters by blood.

I mean, it's not by blood.

Yeah, yeah.
Blood, spit, cum...

all the things, you know?
(Fist slaps hand)

- Huh?
- Yeah.

- You sure you're okay?
- (Snaps fingers)

- Let's make an oath.
- A pact!

- Yes! To each other.
- Yes!

Like Lancelot. Camelot.

You know those dudes with long hair.

Swords in the stone sh*t!
The owl.

- Okay. I'll go.
- Yeah.

- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.

I, Anne Carlson, promise
to be your sister for life.

- Aw...
- You go.

- Okay.
- 'Kay.

Uh, I, Anne Carlson...

- No, idiot.
- You got to say your name.

I, Anne Carlson, promise to be
your sister.

Right. I, Carl Anderson,
am a sister.

Okay, you have a concussion,
we're going to the hospital.

- I'm gonna go to sleep.
- Don't go to sleep! Hey! Hey!

- Ow.
- Up!

- Ow.
- Up!

OW. Hey! Cut it out.

Do I have to break you guys apart?

Stop it. Ow. C'mon.

Stop touching me.

(Muffled screaming and laughing)

(Door clicks open)

(Kids crying, screaming and laughing)

- M.C.P.: What the hell?
- Are you in charge?!

My child has six different nut
allergies

- you should know about.
- Gena: And hey,

this place is not baby proofed,
you know?

Do you know how many things
in here Enzo could swallow

- or penetrate himself with?
- (Crying fills room)

- f*cking Jenny!
- Gena: Get over here, right now.

(Phones ring)

(Angry exhale) You wanna
tell me why my office

looks like a line-up for a Paw
Patrol Live show right now?!

Malcolm Cody Patrick,

are you admitting you've gone
to Paw Patrol Live?

Okay, Jenny, you wanna play?

Fine. What are your terms?

How's about you turn around,
call your higher ups

and demand the quality daycare

that my coworkers desperately need.

How's about you go up there yourself

and clear out the crapping,
screaming, petting-zoo

that you've turned my office into!

- Or you can clear out your desk.
- Mm...

Are you threatening me?

Because this is where I thr*aten you.

I could go public with
the significant wage gap

that your company has been
suffering from.

Or, if that's not enough,
I'd be happy to top it

with the hush money
you provided Gena and I.

Or should I just tell everybody

that you called a mom at the park

"clearly gay,
and not in the hot way."

What you've done here?
Yeah, it's illegal and gross.

And all you have to do is
stop being a cheap

little sexist bitch.

Now deliver us a daycare,

or face public scrutiny...

and the Paw Patrol.

Ruff.

That's right. Keep walking!



I was just walking.
I'm tellin' you,

he did not even see it coming.
I was just like b*ating him,

with my face with the sign

- just like ahhhh, ungh, hunngh!
- (Bianca laughs, baby cries)

Right? And then just when
he thought

it couldn't get any worse, I just...

Juniper: Curbed him.

Juniper, what have I told you

about sneaking up on us like that?

That it makes you feel like
you live in Cape Fear?

Exactly. Now go to your room.

Bianca: (Chuckles)

And you got my rosary back.

Well, he's with the cops now

and the slow wheels of justice
are... (takes a breath)

- cranking forward.
- That was amazing, Frank.

It's what anybody woulda done.

No. You've been like...

the best father Solomon
could ever ask for.

No, but really.


(Nervous inhale and exhale)

I want you to be his other mom.

And I know that's asking a lot
since you already have a kid

and an ex-wife and a potential
as*ault case on your hands.

- I would be honoured...
- (Chuckles)

honoured to adopt him.

- Both: (Laughing excitedly)
- Oh my God.

- I Love you.
- Love you.

(Playful hugging grunts and laughter)

(Dry laugh)

- (Mug thunks)
- Look...

bad news is... our Publisher
has dropped out.

You wrote a completely different book

than what they paid you for.

But I don't, I don't have
to pay the money back, right?

Oh, you absolutely do.

- I can't repay that advance!
- My husband lost his job

and, and detective camp is
a f*cking fortune!

- (Laughs) Detective camp!
- I love it!

Ripped from the pages!

But look, you blew your book deal!

- Like you totally blew it!
- sh*t. sh*t. sh*t.

But...

this is your book, Anne!

I loved it!

My best friend loved it,
my idiot sister loved it,

my cousin's kid's bus driver loved it.

It's beautiful.

It's heartbreaking and infuriating

and all the things that it is
to be the mother

- of an adolescent.
- Right?

We are gonna sell this book, Anne!

(Sighs with relief)

M.C.P.: All right, go play.

(Kids shout and laugh)

What up, biatch?

Ugh. Save it,
you piece of sh*t.

Oh, come on, I met your demands.

You won, okay?
It was impressive.

- (Unamused snort)
- No, seriously.

Watching you pick something
that you actually care about

and follow through with it?

Most people don't have that in 'em.

Most people aren't sociopaths,

who screw over half their employees

'cause they hate their mommy.

(Sighs) I... I don't know what to say.

- I'm sorry.
- Say you're a little bitch...

with a little bitch face.

- What?
- Say it.

Or find another bench.

(Sighs) Fine.

(Quietly) I'm a little bitch with...

Together: A little bitch face.

So, look, I'd still like to do

whatever it is we do outside of work.

And what is it that we do together?

(Kiss, hard thwap)

What the f*ck?!

I'm sorry. Look,
I just thought you'd,

- I mean, you'd prob...
- (Kissing)

(Kids scream and laugh)

- I'm in charge.
- Clearly.

(Kissing)

Kate: 'Kay, so,
this is a shirt.

I want you to find the big hole,

let your head do the walkin'.

Just sort of follow your guts.
I'm not gonna step in...

(under her breath)
even though I want to.

Yup. Just sort of...

yup, that's the one.

Yup. Hey.

- How's it goin' in here?
- Slow and terrible,

but he's gettin' it!

- Wow, buddy! That's amazing!
- Yeah!

- Woo!
- Yes! (Laughing)

- Good job, buddy!
- Oh, you got it.

Can you find the arm hole?

- Oh, he, he might not.
- (Struggling grunt)

Look, if he doesn't get it,
There's always vests, right?

- Mommy?
- I'm not too worried about it.

I can't.

I feel like if I just step in
and fix that one arm...

- You cannot step in.
- I can't.

Can't we just blame it
on the concussion

and I'll just put the shirt on?

How is my patient?

(Sighs) Who are you?

(Laughs) Do we have to
upgrade you to amnesia?

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna have to hit you in the head

- with another forklift though?
- (Laughs)

He's actually getting it.

- You got it, you got it!
- You got it, dude!

Both: Yes!

- Yes!
- Yes, Charlie!

Yes, yes, yes!

(Kisses, Charlie giggles)



♪ I have to leave this party ♪

- No...
- ♪ ...my friends I'm sorry ♪

(Alice cries)

♪ It's just it's getting late ♪



(Disgusted breath)

(Blows out her breath)

I don't know what we're gonna do.

I got a job.

What? Like as... as a coder?

As a contingency planner.

Ah, thank God! You...

- Mm, wait, wait, wait.
- What?

There's one small thing.



- Hey.
- What're you doin'...?

I could've gotten you something...

No, no, no, no, no. Relax.

- I wanted to get you something.
- Okay.

I owe you an apology.

(Laughs) For bringing cured
meats into the bedroom?

No, for cancelling our trip.

I know it meant something to you.

I didn't just wanna bang

at the top of a mountain, you know.

Oh, I know you didn't. You
wanted to, like, be connected.

I, I kinda can't believe
that after all this time

you still want to.

But I can't tell you how much
that means to me.

I mean, I'm sorry, Nathan, and
I'm sorry about hiring Richard

and for like giving him
half of my salary...

- I don't want to hear it.
- (Mouth full) Okay.

What if we just ate salami?

- Feels good, right?
- Well, yeah, but...

what about our problems?
I mean... (laughs)

Send them off to sea,
viking funeral style.

What, like dump 'em?

Is that allowed?

I'm doing it.

I wanna do it.

(Chuckles) Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

(Kissing, moaning and giggling)

(Kissing and moaning)

Honey, I actually have to pee.

- Mmm...
- (Kissing)

(Knock at front door)

- Who could that be?
- I don't know. You pee.

(Kiss) I'll get the door.

- Put some pants on, please.
- Yes, sir.

(Door clicks open)

Anne? What the...?
What're you doing here?

Anne?

(Dog whines in the distance,
crickets chirp)

So um...

- I'm...
- Oh my God, you're dying.

- What? No. Dramatic.
- You're being dramatic!

It's like sitting across
from Dame Judy Dench!

- Would you just...
- I'm moving.

- What?
- Lionel got a job

and we're moving...

to Calgary.

No. You're not moving
to Calgary.

That's insane.
I refuse your news.

Please don't make this hard on me.

What happened to us
leaving our partners

and kids in a theme park,
striking a match, dropping it behind us?

Nobody said anything about
lighting them on fire!

Well, I'm upset!

I thought I was more important
than Lionel.

(Amused snort)

I know you can't say yes,
but if you just blink or something.

We just can't live here
on just my job.

Yeah.

And Alice is really miserable.

Yeah.

I just don't know what I'm doing.

I have failed her so many times,

and I think I'm doing it again.

You are not.

Listen to me: You are not.

You are an amazing mom.

You are putting her first.

And yeah, I hate that you're going,

but you're doing the right thing.

We'll make it work.

- I love you.
- I love you.



♪ Once we've both said
our goodbyes ♪

♪ Let's just let it go ♪

♪ Let me let you go ♪

♪ I could lie and say
I like it like that ♪

- ♪ Like it like that ♪
- It's gonna be okay.

- Right?
- Yeah.

♪ I could lie and say
I like it like that ♪

♪ Like it like that... ♪
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