04x01 - Charade

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪

(PHONE CHIMES)

- (CAR HONKS)
- (ENGINE RUMBLES)

Hey man, thanks.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Hello, table for two, por favor.

♪♪♪

(ENGINE HUMS)

(KIDS LAUGH AND SQUEAL)

(CRYING)

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

♪♪♪

(ENGINE HUMS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(KIDS LAUGHING PLAYFULLY)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Thank you.

(ENGINE HUMS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

Okay.

Oh, Charlie.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- Hi.
- Oh thank God,

I didn't think you were coming.

- Does this mean?
- Yeah.

f*ck yes, yes!

- f*ck yes.
- Yes!

Awwwoo!

♪ Hit it! ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪♪♪

Would you get these filed by noon,
thank you.

- Hey.
- What's uh, what's all this?

- The décor is Pueblo revival.
- (SMALL CHUCKLE)

It's got a hell of a following,
you know.

Probably 'cause at our core it's
what the heart truly craves.

- (SMALL LAUGH)
- It's just um...

when you said you
wanted to use an office

I didn't think you were gonna
turn into a Tex Mex menagerie.

Uh, I was sort of hoping for
more of a one laptop situation.

Wow, you know,
just trying to make myself comfortable,

we do have another six
months left in our contract.

- We do.
- We do.

- Now this one's cute.
- Hey.

- Oh hi.
- Kate, you remember Trish.

- Of course.
- Hmm.

I gotta say you, you look great, Trish,

- how are you feeling?
- Oh like a princess,

but also gassy.

No totally.

I actually can't believe
I'm gonna be a father.

- Aww.
- You know.

Yeah, but why say no when
you can say maybe, right?

(TRISH GIGGLES) Oh.

- Hm-hm-hm.
- Oh.

Hm. (MOANS)

♪♪♪

All right, well, I'm gonna um,

I'm gonna get some work done,
keep uh, keep up the good,

(BOX THUDS)

keep up the good work. (CLEARS THROAT)

♪♪♪

"Punishment; the ultimate reward".

That's your title?

I'm telling you as a
mother of a teenager,

parents are gonna go
crazy for this book.

Okay.

Look I can try and shop it around,

but you're a hard sell for publishers.

Why?

You don't have a built-in audience,

no social media following,
I mean, who are you?

- I am a doctor.
- So is my dermatologist.

- Just wait, wait.
- Mhmm.

Ah sh*t.

Here, here,

it's my -year old, Alice.

Oh my God.

Yeah, a year ago my daughter
was brandishing a firearm

in our home,
and since implementing my method

she goes to chess camp,
she flosses three times a day,

and she's embarrassed by social media.

Okay, tell you what,

get me some paper on the idea
and I'll run it by a few friends.

Friends-friends, like...
like publishers?

And it's cooler if you don't say it,
but yes.

Mhmm. Totally, yeah.

Cool.

♪♪♪

Hey there,
pack it up or we're gonna be late.

Actually Ms. Carlson,
I was hoping to connect

- with you briefly.
- Sure, go wait in the car.

Fine, come on, Keith.

What she do?

She talk back? You catch her in a lie?

If you don't ride her
she's gonna walk off.

She fell asleep in class today... again.

She had mentioned that
you have her enrolled

- in activities this summer.
- It's called activity jail.

- Activity... jail?
- Yes sir,

it's what happens when
you lie and take advantage

of your parents and now
she's so busy she can't.

I fear that she's being spread too thin.

She barely has enough
energy to practice oboe.

Full transparency, man,

I don't care if she can play the oboe,

as long as she's not
playing someone else's oboe.

(POPPING SOUND)

(DOORS SHUT)

Wanna tell me why you weren't
at karate this morning?

I got a call from Sensei Brian.

I fell asleep on the train
and missed my stop, okay.

I could have been kidnapped,
I wish I was.

Oh yeah, would a kidnapper
take you thong shopping?

That's kinda exactly what
a kidnapper would do.

(ANGRY GROAN)

Let me see,
no show to a scheduled activity,

what is the punishment for that again?

Mom no, please don't take over my Insta.

Please don't lie and take advantage
of your father and me. Gimme.

- Gimme-gimme-gimme-gimme-gimme.
- Fine!

If you do this I'm literally
gonna fill my pockets

with rocks and like jump into the lake.

Wouldn't advise that,
you'll be late for your internship.

Hey everyone, Alice's mom here

for another round of
being given everything

and squandering it.

Ugh.

Jugga, jugga, jugga! Beer!

Oooh! (LAUGHS)

- Beer's here.
- Okay.

Ugh, can you believe this stupid logo,

I can't wait to get my hands on it.

Hey Kate, I wanna get
your eyes on this...

Admiral, wow! Okay, that is a big fish,

- congratulations.
- Thank you, Mike.

- So how'd you hook up with them?
- Well, they came to me.

Craig Strathern, is he over there now?

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Oh, actually could you put that back,

that has not been
released yet so it's...

Après... French?

What's the angle, huh? Wait.

Is that a weed beer?

Uh, if you could,
you could put that back,

it's for an event that I'm... Okay.

Ooh, sorry.

Mmm, that's not too bad actually.

You know, this is gonna be
a very complicated launch

for them, Admiral is old school

so if you wanted my help, I know Craig.

Oh, I appreciate your concern,

but uh, I know Craig too,

I can handle it.

- Sorry I'm late.
- Oh, hey, good timing.

Why don't you uh, bring this back

to the storage supply closet
for the party tomorrow for us.

Oh, and while you're at it, intern,

you wanna help Trish get some
stuff from the car, thanks.

- Why, your hands broken?
- How rude.

Well, you could try using her name.

Well, I would but I don't know it.

(FRUSTRATED EXHALE)

I can't believe we were
ever attracted to that guy.

- We?
- You. He's such a jerk.

- I know.
- Yeah.

Would you call Craig and tell him

- I'm gonna come to him today?
- Mhmm.

I'm gonna go blow off some steam.

(LOUD GRUNTING, MOANING)

(GROANING)

(CAR HONKS)

- Yes, ooh.
- Oh, ah.

- Woo!
- Ahh!

(LAUGHING)

- Oh I needed that.
- Oh me too.

- Oh my God.
- Oh.

We gotta keep it fresh
like this, you know,

just cars, parks,

the occasional Port-A-John.

Why stop there,

we should do it at a carnival
and charge admission.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I just don't want us to
take each other for granted.

Hey, me neither.

Hm.

So you feeling ready for tonight?

I think so, I got all the
ingredients for my spin dib,

I'm gonna grab some wine,
what else are you supposed to serve

at these housewarming things?

I guess I meant more
like do you feel nervous?

- Not really, should I be?
- No, no.

(CHUCKLES)

It's just, it's sort of
like our coming out party.

Our friends know we've already
been together for months, so.

No, yeah, they know that already

'cause we're in this together, solid.

Yeah.

And screw 'em if they think
otherwise, right?

- You okay?
- Yeah, no I'm good,

I am good.

(CHUCKLES)

♪♪♪

Hm.

_

(GROANS)

(DOOR OPENS, APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

Oh, can you forgive me for being late?

These two birds were fighting
outside my office window

and I could tell it was personal.

Did one of the birds
k*ll the other bird?

What? No, no, have you no idea,

- how birds communicate, they...
- Oh no, no I do, I do.

They uh,

they speak with their beaks.

How has the shift been for you, guys?

Is Admiral concerned how the
public will take the transition?

Are you kidding?
Biggest beer company in the country

and I pitched them on putting
weed inside their beer.

Genius.

Oh the reputation of this entire company

is on my shoulders,
Kate, you can't imagine.

I can imagine actually.

I know what it's like
to worry that people

will respect you less
for a choice you've made.

- Yes.
- You're still you, you know,

and the smartest thing you can do,
stand your ground,

let the public know you're
still the same bad ass.

Maybe they're worried that like,
you know,

you're making the wrong choice,

or that you're moving backwards,

and they think of you as a creep.

Sorry wait, what, what does that mean?

Forget that part. You stay solid, okay?

Your product is great,

and the public will get
on board eventually,

they always do.

Right now your job is
to project strength.

Mmm, (THUMPS TABLE)

hey, to projecting strength.

To projecting strength.

♪♪♪

So it's quite the uh, fancy report card

- you've come up with.
- What are all the ones?

Oh, well one is obviously
for being number one, Nathan,

the best.

Actually, one is the lowest score.

Oh, that seems unnecessarily confusing.

Most children at his age can

handle a list of up to three,
even four action items

without requiring step
by step instructions.

You need to encourage his independence.

Try giving him a chore like
making his bed every morning.

Charlie's still in his crib.

Really? He's four.

He gets nightmares.

Oh yeah, and working with no sleep.

- Yeah.
- That's my nightmare, so.

(CHUCKLES) Well, that is the process

until they grow some confidence.

I know you think you're helping,

but every time you button up for him,

or slide his shoes on,
or put him in the crib,

you're saying,
I don't think you're smart,

or capable, or brave.

sh*t.

Why don't you start by having
a conversation with Charlie.

I bet he would love to
hear how excited you are

about him sleeping in his big boy bed.

♪♪♪

How about this bed, so cool.

- He's not gonna stay in here.
- Of course he is,

he's gonna stay in here cause
it's a really cool cozy bed,

right man?

Look, your mommy and daddy
are gonna slip out now

and you're just gonna
have super sweet dreams

'cause this is the coolest
bed anyone's ever seen.

- You got this.
- Okay, okay.

(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)

- (GLASSES CLINK)
- Hmm.

Hm.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)

- Oh.
- I got it.

No, no, no, no, let daddy do his thing.

Come here you...

you're going to bed.

"There once was an old woman
who lived in a shoe..."

(CHIPS CLATTER)

♪♪♪

- He's down.
- Nicely done.

- Seriously good, right?
- Oh God.

What happened to daddy doing his thing?

Uh...

I talked to all your friends at camp,
they're all asleep,

so if you wanna catch up you
gotta close your eyes, deal?

(SIGHS) You see,

something mothers are gifted with

is the power of negotiations, Nathan,

look it up. Oh gee.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Let's count some sheep, okay, buddy?

One...

...

...

...

Stay.

♪♪♪

- Kate, what's taking so long?
- (GASPS) Nothing.

- Are you drugging him?
- No.

He's allergic um... to sleep.

♪♪♪

- And it wasn't legal.
- No. Okay, it was.

(LAUGHING)

Looking for the,
the right one who would wanna do it.

- She's funny, Mel's funny.
- Hey guys.

- Oh hey.
- ALL: Hey.

- I am impressed.
- Mhmm.

- Why?
- That you invited Nathan.

I live here.

Yeah.

Back together and I'm the last to know.

Well, don't be surprised
if you get a call

- from my gastroenterologist.
- Why?

I told him you were available.

What a shame, the man really
knows his way around a rectum.

- Jesus.
- (MEL CHUCKLES)

- So does this one.
- Private time.

Anyway, um...

thanks guys for coming,

and you know, housewarming.

(THEY CHUCKLE)

(SILENCE)

- How you doing, Anne?
- (BABY CRIES)

- Fine.
- Well, this place is great.

- Thank you, great place.
- Great place.

- Awesome.
- Yeah, right?

You know when people say uh, people say

it's this good to move back in,
you know,

that it shows uh,
strength, and um courage,

and um, and strength.

Yes.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I made a spin dip.
- ALL: Ooh.

- Looks good.
- Yes, beautiful.

We get it, he makes dip, f*ck you.

- (CHOKES)
- What?

Okay, Anne, a word.

(BABY FUSSES)

Uh Bianca, quit hiding that baby,

let me get a look at that
little bundle of joy.

Such a sweetie.

Okay, I wanna see.

Hot damn, that's his face.

Jesus, sweet Jesus.

Oh my God is, uh is he,

is his eye always pointing that way?

Well, that's just, that's just his face.

(SIGHS)

- (CHIP CRUNCHES)
- (BABY FUSSES)

- You said you were okay with this.
- (SIGHS)

Yeah, I know I did
but then I saw your face

next to his face and
all I could think about

was my nanny sitting on it.

Look, I can't hear this right now, okay?

So I need you like suppress it,

or like take it out on
your patients or something.

I can't.

Look, you were honest with me
about Brad, okay?

And that's the best thing that
you could have done for me.

Brad and Nathan are not the same, okay?

And yes it was a tough choice,

but it was the right choice
for me and my family.

Are you staying with
him because of the kids?

- No, no.
- It's a fair question.

Sorry to interrupt but uh...

gosh, do you have any nipple pads,

I mean Bianca's boobs are like Niagara,

I'm afraid that baby's
gonna lose an eye, like pow.

You know, and if you want my opinion,

I think it's very big of you
to take back a cheater.

- Thank you.
- No I do,

it speaks to your capacity
for caring and forgiveness,

- right, Anne?
- Yes, very brave.

Mhmm, like Hilary Clinton.

Yes, like Hilary,

because you know,
I'm sure Bill never cheated again.

Right, never.

And I want you to be the
president of your own life.

- Hilary lost.
- Yes she did.

- Okay, but you won't.
- Probably not.

What are you guys even
talking about? Stop talking.

Oh do you have any nipple pads or not

because Bianca's boobs have
probably already leaked

all over the main floor. (SIGHS)

Is two enough?

- Yeah, great thank you.
- Yeah.

Okay.

You use words to describe the
person on the paper there,

it's a very fun and
highly personal game.

Mel and I sometimes play alone.

- It goes by real quick.
- I love games.

- Shut up, go Nathan.
- Come on, Nathan, let's go.

- Is it me?
- It is actually.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Well, that was a shitty turn.

♪♪♪

(READYING EXHALE)

Okay, so this person is awesome,
she's cool,

she's really smart,

she's very forgiving.

Val, Val Szalinsky.

No, arguably too forgiving,

she took somebody back
that disrespected her.

Yeah, right, got it, it's me, it's me.

Ha ha ha, thank you, Anne.

Um okay, okay.

- Bring it on, bring it on.
- You got it, woof it up.

Right, uh okay, so this person um,

is very good at their job,

um but isn't always the
best judge of character.

- Is it Frankie?
- Hey.

Not Frankie, uh this person is
um a very good parent,

uh but occasionally indulges

in self-destructive ideas.

- Lionel.
- Yes, she's not wrong.

No, it's not um Lionel.

Um okay uh, uh, uh they are um, they,

um their favourite color is green.

Kate, stop being so vague
and just spell it out.

I have no idea who you're talking about.

- Uh they're very good drivers.
- Come on-come on-come on,

yeah, more, more, what do you got?

- Who is it?
- Uh yeah, yeah, so this person um...

Bring it home, Honey, you can do it.

Come on, Kate.

Oh like you were that much better,
I'm trying...

- (OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION)
- Okay fine, fine, f*ck it,

f*ck it, he cheated on me,
you all hate him enough,

if I run for president I'd never win.

Oh f*ck, f*ck.

(NATHAN WHIMPERS)

(SOBBING)

Sorry no. No one was getting it and I...

I'm really... You didn't deserve that.

Sorry, party foul.

I was dumb.

- Hey, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

I got this.

No, no, I think this game's over.

Nathan, we don't need to keep...

I got this, okay?

It's um, um...

this person he's uh, he's uh...

(HARD EXHALE)

- average height.
- Oh.

And he's deeply kind.

Mel, Mel, is it Mel?

Is it Mel?

No, sorry.

We don't have to keep doing this,
we could just...

He's, he's...

- he's misunderstood.
- Val Szalinsky, Val.

- No it's me.
- Oh.

Jesus C-Christ.

(ALL EXCUSING THEMSELVES AT ONCE)

It was a great party, thank you.

- Bye, love you, see you soon.
- We should, we should.

Let's do it another time, bye.

KATE: Give us a few more months
in the house, you know...