02x10 - Cuck

[bunniefuu]

NATHAN: Previously
on "Workin' Moms"...

I'm a huge fan of yours, Dr. Carlson.

I'm Carly.

Hi Carly, it's nice to meet you.

All right, so let's get this
script into fighting shape,

and we will be off to the races.

Cool.

I'm so sorry, my son is in intensive care.

Are you out of your damn mind?

Going to the hospital
might ease your guilt,

but think about what you lose.

You left a very serious
taste in Stromanger's mouth.

ANNE: You didn't let Richard down,

Richard disappointed you. He let you down.

I think I ruined my life.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN AND SHUTS]

[KATE SIGHS]

I'm surprised you came.

Okay.

I'll keep this short.

I...

Richard, what I did was unforgivable.

I know.

But I had a reason.

You guys took away my only
passion, you know, what I...

what I loved to do, and...

and Stromanger made me
choose my baby or my job,

and I'm not sure that it was fair, but...

It wasn't.

It wasn't?

I can't say much, there's
a lot of things at play, here.

But, what Stromanger did to you,

maybe she wouldn't have done to a man?

So, all I'm saying, Kate,

is that if you wanted to
make a stink, you could.

I don't know what that would get me.

A settlement.

You don't get what you
deserve in this life,

you get what you fight for.

[PEN RASPS]

You still drink vodka?

You still pee standing?

I'll be right back.

♪

♪ Funny where we started out ♪

♪ I gave you all of me, look out ♪

♪ And now I have nothing... ♪

KATE: To alert you to be
borderline cruel... [SIGHS]

How do I write this without
it coming off as a thr*at?

What? It should be threatening, Kate.

Just a little reminder, you
almost missed your son's death.

LIONEL: Hold on a second,
Charlie didn't actually die.

That woman threatened your job

in the middle of a true medical emergency.

Listen up, girlfriend, you
wanna come outta this on top?

I got three words for you.

[SILENCE]

I'm talking to the press.

- Definitely five words.
- Gross, yuck. No.

You know I'm in public relations, right?

thr*aten to talk to Deborah Stanbro.

Corporate lawyers hate her.

Deborah Stanbro... [SCOFFS]

Investigative reporter.

She's their worst nightmare,

and my Mah-jongg partner.

No offence, Val, but I'd
rather not take the low road.

I'm just gonna tell them the truth,

tell them the facts, and
let them know they hurt me.

Just hit 'em with the facts,

- and then you expose your heart.
- Right.

- Deborah Stanbro.
- BOTH: Okay.

[KNOCKS ON GLASS]

Ms. Foster, we received
your passionate letter.

Good.

And we recognize that last
year was a difficult one for you.

Yes, thank you.

But, my colleagues and I
were shocked by this document.

What? But I was...

Completely, emotionally indulgent. [LAUGHS]

Look, Ms. Foster, you've
achieved a reputation

of being able to articulate yourself

without resorting to theatrics.

But the Board agrees,

this letter is disgraceful.

Okay.

I will go to the press.

[SIGHS]

Do you know Deborah Stanbro,

investigative journalist?

Well, I play Mah-jongg with
her, and she has my back, so.

♪

I'm sure the Board would be very happy

if I walked out of here quietly,

but I'm not sure what
kind of leverage you have,

outside of shaming me.

And I don't feel shame, not anymore,

not for prioritizing my son
over a deli meat presentation.

Shame on you.

♪

Well, okay then.

Perhaps we can agree...

to part ways,

amicably, and quietly.

Honestly, I doubt any amount of money

is gonna make much of a
difference at this point.

[CLEARS THROAT]

That is an insane amount of money.

I'm gonna get you to sign this release.

Mhm. Okay.

[PEN RASPS]

♪

We are celebratin' today, ladies,

'cause thanks to the
advice of Val Szalinsky,

mama got herself a settlement.

[CHEERING] Woooo! Yeah!

This is my way of returning the favour.

Kate, is this a stem cell mask?

Yeah, it is!

Whoa, aren't stem cell masks made of like,

umbilical cords, or foreskin,
or something like that?

Ugh, Frankie, why you gotta
make everything so gross?

What are you gonna spend the money on?

Alicia, that's none of our business.

Though, it is a good question.

What are you thinking, Kate?

Statement necklaces?

No actually, I've decided-

thanks to a very good push from Anne,

Hmm.

...to go into business for myself.

- Oh finally!
- Hallelujah

- What a relief!
- Long time.

Guys, I'm touched. I had
no idea that you were so eager

- to see me go off on my own?
- Oh, it's not that.

I think we're all just
glad to hear that you

and Anne are friends again.

Oh, I've never felt so
much damn tension in my life.

- So awkward!
- So horrible.

The rage.

[KATE LAUGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Uh, Cher?

[DOOR LATCH OPENS]

Oh, hello, Dr. Carlson.

- Carly, you're Cher?
- Mhm.

- Like, the singer?
- From the movie, "Clueless".

[SMALL CHUCKLE]

So, listen, it was so great

to meet you, the other day,

and I know that we said we
were gonna go for coffee,

but I just thought,

why don't I book a
session and surprise you?

- Okay, but...
- That way,

I can pick that enormous brain of yours,

while knowing that I'm
compensating you for your time.

I'm sorry, so you wanna
pay to listen to me talk

about myself for an hour?

Pretty much. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I mean, I can get behind that.

[CARLY CHUCKLES]

KATE: Good morning.

- Coffee?
- Ooh, yes, please.

But this is not coffee.

It is better than coffee, baby.

Holy sh*t, is this your severance?

Enough zeroes for ya?

- Wow! This is insane!
- I know.

Oh my God! I feel like
we can finally chill out.

- I know.
- Oh.

And start talking about our second kid.

What?

I said, you know, talk
about havin' another kid.

I... Nathan, no way!

I have been waiting for this opportunity.

I can finally start my own business.

Your own business, what are you, crazy?

I mean, last year you k*lled yourself

to get all the way to Montreal,

only to have to come all the way back.

And then this year, you had two jobs,

and some crazy personal stuff.

I mean, Jesus, can't you just relax?

I'm relaxed when I'm working.

Oh that's... great.

What kinda state are you
in when you're with us?

[SIGHS] I'm sorry. I know
how that sounds, I just...

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Look, I have to go,

- but this conversation is not over.
- Of course not.

Just promise me you won't
put anything into motion,

- until I get back. Okay?
- I promise.

[MUGS CLICK] Cheers!

So I'm starting my own
business, and I was hoping...

I've already done it.

- You-you've done what?
- Designed your logo.

Oh! Oh, that's great!

I'd love to see it. Whadda ya got?

-Okay, great. Just remember,
these are only mock-ups.

- Totally. Yeah.
- Okay?

Here's the first one.

Behold, Kate Foster Public Relations.

Hmm.

'Cause she knocks it outta the park.

I don't know what this is selling, exactly.

Okay, uh...

yeah, I can see how
that might be a bit much.

Um... I'll just go ahead and keep this one

- for my personal records.
- Sorry?

There's this one, it's kinda plain.

I guess... someone might respond to it.

- [HAPPY SIGH]
- Yeah?

Yeah.

Rosie, the real reason
I asked you here today,

- was to offer you a job.
- Oh... wow. Where?

What do you mean, where?
Kate Foster Public Relations.

Oh, Kate, I'm so flattered but...

I just don't think I can
commit to a start-up, you know.

- How stable can that be?
- What?

What are you doing for money right now?

Phone sex.

- Yeah, I'll come work for you.
- Mhm.

♪ You don't stop Get it ♪

♪ You don't stop Get it ♪

♪ You don't stop Get it ♪

♪ You don't stop Get it ♪

So, how much do I owe you for to...

No, please, no. Put that away.

I booked a session, and
I intend to pay for it.

I talked about my boring life for an hour.

I should be paying you.

Well... at least let me take you for lunch.

Yeah?

Um...

- how does noon work?
- Great!

I seriously think you are the
coolest woman I've ever met.

Tell that to my daughter.

I'm sure Alice thinks you're cool.

You know my daughter's name?

Facebook.

Are we Facebook friends?

Request pending. Fingers crossed.

[ANNE AND CARLY LAUGH]

We're like, obsessed with each other.

[ANNE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

♪

Welcome to Kate Foster Public Relations!

♪

This is it?

Your basement.

Well yeah, Rosie, what did you expect?

I'm not Don Draper.

What about all the stuff you said about

gettin' outta the house?

Well, I did get you outta your house.

Where's my desk?

Uh, we'll start ya off here, with me.

Do I even get a chair?

Do you get a chair. Of
course you get a chair.

What is this, huh?

It's kind of a tricky dicky, but ya...

here we go. See?

[CHAIR THUDS ON FLOOR] Yeah.

- Yeah.
- [CHAIR CRASHES]

Okay, look, she's on one nap a day
between and -ish.

Don't let it go any later than that,

because then she has trouble at bedtime.

- Yeah, got it.
- Okay.

You look nice.

Thanks, I have a meeting
with this studio guy

he's interested in the script.

I just didn't want him to think I'm a slob.

Huh, I don't think he'll think that.

Thank you. Do you have everything?

Yeah! I got it!

Uh, she needs snacks between meals, and...

Just like us.

- Just like us!
- [DOOR OPENS]

Look, it's not that I
don't have confidence in you,

because I do,

I've got confidence comin' out my eyeballs.

Okay.

It's just that Dmitri is a lot.

He's pretentious, he's weird, he's foreign,

he's an assh*le.

If we're lucky, he's gay, but I'm not %.

Okay, but he likes my script, right?

He loves your script.

- Are you ready, handsome?
- I'm ready.

[TIRES CRUNCH]

[SEATBELT UNCLICKS]

♪

[WINDOW WHIRS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I have problem with the ice cream man.

Uh... he's a, he's a
pretty important character.

Do you mind if I ask
uh, what the problem is?

Yes, I am lactose intolerant.

Oh, yeah.

[DMITRI LAUGHS]

Just kidding.

I'm drinking cappuccino, right now,

as we are speaking.

[LAUGHING] You are.

No, but seriously,

I have a problem with the main character.

Nobody wants to see a
man stay home with baby.

It's not sexy. Can we
give him super powers?

Maybe he can jump very fast, or something.

Oh, I like that. Yeah, it's great.

What? I-I...

Maybe he has soft bones, for crevices.

- SHANNON: Oh, I like that.
- DMITRI: You should.

Dmitri, [CLEARS THROAT]...

I'm sorry, but you're wrong.

There is an audience out there,

looking for a story about a single father.

I know this, because I'm a single father.

I wrote this thing because
I wanna see guys like me

represented on screen.

And if that doesn't work for you,

doesn't work for me.

- Uh... okay, maybe we can...
- [PHONE BUZZES]

I see you have some big balls.

SHANNON: Okay, maybe we
can just take a little...

I'm sorry guys, I gotta go.

This is my baby's
mother. It's an emergency.

Oh!

[WHISPERS] What are you doing?

Sit down!

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SHANNON CLEARS THROAT]

- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
- IAN: Jenny? What happened?

- Is Zoe okay?
- Ian, I'm...

I am so sorry. I just,
I ran in for a minute.

They won't let me take her, so...

She had left her child in the car!

- Miss...
- While she was sniffing produce

for, I don't even know how long!

Hey, I think she feels bad enough, huh?

- POLICE: Sir. You the father?
- Yes, hi, my name is Ian.

I'm-I'm Zoe's daddy. I've got her uh,

I've got her birth certificate right here,

I've got about , pictures of us

at breakfast this morning.

She says that French toast is
her favourite, but it's not.

It's the maple syrup that she loves.

If I put it on spinach, she'd eat it. Um...

Yeah, okay, I got it.

You're lucky your daughter's all right.

We've seen this case turn out differently.

- Hey, baby.
- Very differently.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

♪

♪

Hi. [CHUCKLES]

Do... I... are you...

is that my haircut?

I think it suits me! Don't you think?

It's like I'm your twin.

Even though my hips are
twice the width of yours.

Uh... I mean, in a weird way,

and it is... it is weird,

it's kinda flattering?

I'm embarrassed, but if you don't mind,

I do have a couple follow-up questions?

Oh, so the interview's not over?

So how long were you married to Brad?

How do you even know that?

Facebook.

I am % sure that's not on Facebook.

What are you up to?

I'm not up to anything, Anne.

You know far too much about me,

even in the age of Facebook.
You know my daughter's name,

you showed up with this
"Single White Female" haircut,

and you know that I was married to Brad.

I just thought it would be fun to talk

about the mole on his cock.

If you don't mind, I do have
a couple follow-up questions.

Listen to me.

You stay away from me, and
stay away from my family,

or I will tie you up, and pluck
every hair from your nose...

until you die of dehydration from the tears

- running down your cheeks.
- That was very specific.

By the way, you should
really consider seeing a doctor.

In the short time that I've known you.

I already diagnosed you

with borderline personality disorder.

And a severe case of halitosis.

♪

Same f*cking hair. Like I was
looking in a g*dd*mn mirror.

I was gonna kick her ass.

God, watching you fight is up there

with eating dinner in bed for me. The tops!

For real, I am so glad
that we're friends again,

because it is slim pickens out there.

Yeah.

Use the sponge.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

sh*t! Someone's here. What if it's her?

Oh my God, what if it's Brad to help you

with your weak-ass orgasm?

[CHUCKLES] Okay, I'll call you later

to let you know I haven't been m*rder*d.

- Hey... congrats again.
- Thank you.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Hello?

[SILENCE]

[DOOR OPENS]

What are you doing here?

Well, Anne, I just thought I'd swing by

and check out your new office,
because I am a sweet man,

who loves his wife.

So you were in the neighbourhood,
and you had to go to the bathroom?

Doesn't matter why I'm here, what matters

is what I found out when I came here.

Okay, what did you find...

sh*t.

Why didn't you tell
me that you were working

next to your ex-husband, this entire time?

I'm a cuck. I'm a cuckold. Cuck.

Stop cucking!

Do you think that Brad and I were...

what, making out in my office?

No, no, that's not what I think.

- Good! Because, we're not!
- Good!

I didn't tell you, because
I knew you would be upset.

I'm really sorry. Okay?

Okay. Okay.

It's just, but the idea
of you two just sitting

on each other's doctor's couches,

and giving each other prescriptions,

was driving me crazy.

Lionel, the only person

I want to give prescriptions to, is you.

- Isn't this...?
- Yes, do not ruin it.

[SCREAMING AND MOANING]

- Oh my God!
- Oh my God, Lionel!

Lionel! Holy f*ck! Holy f*ck! Oh God...

Oh my God, what is happening?

- What is that?
- [ANNE MOANS]

Oh my God, Anne, that's amazing!

[ANNE AND LIONEL GRUNTING, LAUGHING]

♪

[TRAFFIC WHOOSHES BY]

♪

[CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]

[SIRENS WAIL IN THE DISTANCE]

I'm not a good mom.

That's not true. Everyone
has their moments.

You should take her.

What?

I don't think I was supposed to be a mom.

It's not something I ever
dreamed about, or anything.

It just...

just sort of happened.

[ZOE MOANS SLEEPILY]

You should take her.

♪

♪

So, I kinda got you somethin'.

[PAPER BAG CRINKLES]

Oh my God, are they baked goods?

Wait, chocolate eclairs? No, linzers?

Are they linzers?

Uh, it's a form of baking.

Just open it.

[PAPER BAG CRINKLES]

Doesn't smell like a linzer.

Pregnancy test?

They're ovulation tests.

You pee on a stick, and
if you get a smiley face,

then we know you're fertile,
ripe, and ready to go.

Why would I wanna know that?

I only know when I'm
menstruating, because I have to.

The rest of the cycle can
happen without my knowledge.

-Okay sure...

But also, what happened
to not taking any action?

They're just sticks. I didn't adopt a kid.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [RAPID KNOCKS]

Who would that be?

FRANKIE: Ooh! Everybody decent?

- ANNE: Hi, Frank!
- Hey! Oh!

- [DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
- FRANKIE: Oh my God.

- Hi, Frankie. Um...
- I know, I'm sorry I'm early.

Oh, my goodness, and it's dinner.

Please, do not get up, I am
just gonna go up to the...

- Love you.
- ...the guest bedroom and,

it's like we're not even here, right?

But we are here! Thanks, guys!

[KATE CHUCKLES]

We're not talking about these things?

I sent you an email.

You said she was looking
for a place to stay,

you didn't tell me that you
offered her our guest room.

Well, I thought it was
sort of implied, you know.

I'm sorry, I should've been more specific.

No, it's fine, I mean, I like Frankie.

- Yeah.
- I just...

- [FOOTSTEPS THUD ON STAIRS]
- KATE: Oy.

Oh, sorry. I didn't
know you guys were eating.

- I thought you'd left.
- What is... this?

[SILENCE]

Hmm.

Sorry, not to be rude,
but why is Rosie in my house?

Hmm.

Nathan, um, I uh...

I may have uh, started...

a small, and soon-to-be
profitable business.

- Is it a hostel?
- [CHUCKLES]

♪