02x11 - Trash Panda

[bunniefuu]

NATHAN: Previously on "Workin' Moms"...

This is it?

What about all the stuff you said about

gettin' outta the house?

Well, I did-I did get you outta your house.

Oh, hello, Dr. Carlson.

You stay away from me,
and stay away from my family.

You're leaving.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Hi, Frank!

Just pretend like I'm not here. But I am!

From now, when you climax,

I want you to think about
how hard other women cum,

and how shallow your own experience is.

Has anyone hit a toddler milestone

that doesn't have to do
with human excrement?

- I got one.
- Hmm.

Jayme's hit a pretty crucial milestone...

showing defiance.

I'm not sure that really
belongs on the chart.

She punched me right in the tit.

[LAUGHTER]

That deserves a gold star, Val.

- WOMAN: Yes!
- ALICIA: Ooh. Val,

what would qualify as a milestone?

Like, does judgment count, or,

'cause Mabel
has been eyeing me, constantly.

She audibly scoffed when I tried on capris.

I think she might be a bitch.

- %.
- Definitely.

Yeah.

JADE: I'd take a bitch any day.

Sometimes I catch my
boys plotting about what?

I don't know yet,

but it's gonna be bad.

[BABIES BABBLE]

- Tit punch.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

♪

[PHONE DINGS]

CARLY: Hey, Anne, [GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]

It's Carly again.

I just thought you should know

that thanks to Professor Brad,

I'm learning self control. [CHUCKLES]

He has me in these hypnotherapy sessions.

Anyways, I really hope one day
we can be friends. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, that's it.

- So sorry again. Bye.
- [SPITS LOUDLY]

[TOOTHBRUSH CLANGS IN GLASS]

[VACUUM WHIRRS]

ANNE: Lionel!

Did she get any her mouth?

Lionel!

Oh my God.

How long have you been standing there for?

I've got to talk to you about something.

- [VACUUM STOPS]
- Can it wait?

Mean Nanny needs me to clean the car seat

so she can take Jayme on a playdate.

Can't she just do this herself?

She says that car accessories
aren't in her pay grade.

So um, I uh,

I, I wasn't totally honest with you

about stuff with Brad Heshinton.

- What?
- He did something to me,

and I-I think that he might be
doing it to other women, too.

Okay?

I'm just gonna jump in. I'm just gonna...

Okay, so uh, when I found out
that he was my work neighbour,

I also found out that he's now a hypnotist.

And um,

after talking to him for a while,

I let me hypnotize me.

[LAUGHS] Hypnotize you?

Hypnotize you!

Oh! Okay. Uh, okay. Okay!

I thought you were gonna
say that you guys had sex...

or something, so...

You know, this is gonna be a lot easier

if I just let you listen to the recording.

Uh, sorry, recording?

BRAD: In , , and out, , .

What do you like to do prepare for sleep?

♪

- [OLD CAR SOUND EFFECT HONK]
- [STARTLES AWAKE]

[COUGHS] Ugh!

[OLD CAR SOUND EFFECT HONK]

Ugh!

FRANKIE: Hey, Kate, you up?
I made momlettes.

[EGGS SIZZLE IN PAN]

KATE: Momlettes,
'cause they're omelettes for moms?

Indeed!

Frankie, you know things like
that make me want you to leave.

- Yeah, fair enough.
- [CHARLIE SPUTTERS]

What are your plans for the day?

Uh yeah, I'm actually headed to the doctor.

I've been having these like, night sweats,

just waking up in the middle of the night,
drenched.

Always exhausted.

It's probably just some
delayed postpartum bullshit,

but I thought I'd get it checked out.

Yeah well, aside from how amazing it is,

being a woman is garbage.

But I'm so pumped for this interview today.

I'm just really excited
about getting back to work,

and then I'm gonna find my own place.

Well look, if you wanna raid
my closet for some new looks,

have at it.

You know, like if you wanna show Wendy

that some changes have been made?

Oh! Right, yeah, like I used to be nuts,

but now I'm in a blazer?

- Yeah.
- Sa-weet!

Maybe I should move in permanently.

[KATE CHOKES] Mhm.

♪

[KEYS JINGLE]

[DOOR OPENS]

♪

[LEATHER SKIRT CREAKS]

Oh God, these things are so tight!

[DOOR SHUTS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

BRAD: When you climax,

I want you to think about
how hard other women cum,

and how shallow your own experience is.

He's a f*ckin' dead man.

BRAD: We're gonna bring you back now.

Lionel, Lionel! Where are you going?

The piece of sh*t thinks
he can manipulate you?

Manipulate your orgasms?

Well, I'm gonna manipulate his skull

into something that no
longer resembles a skull!

- No! Lionel! Ja!
- No! Get off me!

- Stop it!
- No!

- Ah! No!
- Stop it!

- I need this!
- Stop! You don't need this!

What are you gonna do?

You gonna bash his brains with
a girl's baseball bat? Huh?

End up in jail?

How does that help me in any way?

Anne, he can't get away with this!

He sexually assaulted you!

He-he, worse. He molested your mind.

- Ugh!
- Okay, he molested your mind.

No! It...

I am, I am a strong and independent woman,
okay?

Yeah, yeah,
who put her faith in a professional,

that abused that trust,

and then molested her mind.

Please stop saying that.

He can't get away with this.

I know, and I'm not gonna let him.

Trust me when I say that
I am going to handle this.

Okay?

Okay.

I just, I'm not...

I don't... know how, yet.

Well, if only you were an empowered woman

with a deep understanding
of the human psyche,

and an enraged common-law
spouse who loves you

and has your back.

♪

You go get the bastard!

♪

♪

[PHONES RING]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Rumour has it, I asked to see you?

[LAUGHS] Frank, come in. Take a seat.

[LEATHER SKIRT CREAKS]

Okay, you know what, Wend,

I have a uh,
lot of important things to say,

and I think it's-think it's just better

if I say them standing up.

Sure, Frank, you do you.

First of all, I really,
I know how I left things here.

I've had a lot of time to think...

Yeah, okay honey, I want you back.

- Oh.
- Chuck and Linda are useless.

They have the personal skills
of a couple of hamsters.

Well, hamsters can be very personable

if you just give 'em a little...

You have always had good numbers,

and I could use that right now.

I do, legally,
have to ask you one question.

Are you a liability?

Yup, yeah, that is a fair question, Wendy,

and uh, I could answer it for hours,

but uh, because I know you're in a rush,

I'm gonna keep it super quick.

Um, I've had counselling.

I sleep hours a night.

I stay hydrated,

and I do sun salutations every morning.

- Oh, okay, yeah. Sold!
- Oh!

- Welcome back, Frankie.
- Great!

And I promise, next time,

I will wear a skirt that I
can actually sit down in.

[CHUCKLES] Thought it was an odd ensemble.

Can't feel either ass cheek. [CHUCKLES]

♪

- [DOOR OPENS]
- KATE: Doc, hi!

[DOOR SQUEAKS AND CLICKS CLOSED]

You by chance in need
of some marketing or PR?

I couldn't help but notice some

pretty lack-lustre pamphlets out there.
[CHUCKLES]

- No.
- Hmm.

What brings you in?

Oh um, it's probably nothing,

but I've been having these like,
night sweats.

What kind of night sweats?

Uh, well I um,

I've been like sweating... at night?

Well, how much sweat?

Can you wring out your pyjamas?
Are you soaked?

Not soaked, but like,
you know, pretty damp.

We don't consider them night sweats

if you can't wring out your pyjamas.

Oh, well I'm still pretty wet, like...

Can you wring them out?

No. No, I cannot.

Guess I'm fine. [CHUCKLES]

Any other symptoms?

I am like, perpetually tired for no reason.

[PEN RASPS]

Any added stress in your life lately?

No.

Oh, well, I'm starting a new business

because I was fired from... two jobs.

So... there's that.

- Well...
- [PEN RASPS]

And Nathan's away this week.

And, my dad's dead.

Uh, suddenly actually.

Oh.

[KATE SNIFFS]

So, you know [CHOKING UP] it hurts,
you know.

A lot, but...

[CLEARS THROAT AND SNIFFS]

So that's probably, you know,
like that's it, probably.

[SNIFFS]

- Go ahead and lie down.
- Yeah. No, yeah.

[PAPER CRINKLES]

[KATE SIGHS]

[KATE SNIFFS]

[PAPER CRINKLES]

[KATE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Just when your dad dies, it's like,

yowch, you know.

[PAPER CRINKLES]

What's that? What's goin' on in my pit?

You find some treasure or something?

[PAPER CRINKLES]

You can sit up now.

[PAPER CRINKLES]

You have a small lump in your armpit,

nothing necessarily to worry about,

but it's also not normal.

I'm ordering an ultrasound and blood-work

for processing immediately.

S... uh, sorry, not normal?

Um, what-what do you think it is?

[PEN RASPS]

I use a lot of cheap deodorant, so it...

What's the worst-case scenario?

Sorry,
your silence is like deafening right now.

What's goin' on? Do I have cancer?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Why don't we do the ultrasound,
and go from there.

Give this requisition
to the lab downstairs.

["WHITE FLAG" BY JOSEPH PLAYS]

[DOOR OPENS]

♪ Your yelling's getting loud ♪

♪ Keep it down now ♪

♪ Keep it down now ♪

♪ There's talk goin' 'round this town ♪

♪ Keep it down now ♪

- Okay. Brad...
- [KEYS CLACK]

Heshinton, let's see who is else out here.

Have you seen...

this piece of sh*t in your...

neighbourhood?

- I can't. That's...
- [KEYS CLACK]

[PHONE RINGS]

♪ Not gonna stop me gettin' through ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

Look out for this face.

He's a hypnotist.

- And a f*cking...
- [KEYS CLACK]

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGS]

♪ Just pretendin' ♪

♪ No,
I'd rather be dead than live a lie ♪

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Come on!

[SIGHS]

LIONEL: Come on, Anne, let's go!

f*ck!

You've reached Dr. Anne Carlson,

- please leave a message.
- [BEEP]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[KEYS CLACK]

_

[CHARLIE COOS]

[CHARLIE BABBLES]

_

♪

- How do I look?
- Oh, great. So great.

Ha. Awesome.

- Bye!
- CHARLIE: Bye!

[SLAMS LID]

ROSIE: Kate?
You're gonna be late for you meeting!

♪

RECEPTIONIST: Hello? Hello?

Mister Neb is waiting for you
at the end of the hall, ma'am.

Uh, thank-thank you.

♪

[LIGHT FOOTSTEPS TAP]

♪

[UNDER BREATH] It's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.

Come on, you f*cking p*ssy,
get it-good afternoon.

Now, I have taken the time
to look through your...

materials here, and your partner, Mr. Mull.

[MAN SIGHS] Hmm.

[SIRENS WAIL IN DISTANCE]

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I should-I should warn you, um,

I'm having a bit of an off day. Today.

Uh, oh.

We just found out that my-my my partner,
Steve,

uh, Steve is um...

dying.

Cancer.

- Oh.
- Of the breast.

It's not so common with men, it's um,

it's pretty common with the woman.

Huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[KATE CLEARS THROAT]

Anyway, I'm sorry he can't be here at this,
this meeting,

but as you can imagine,
he's taking some time to um,

uh, get his affairs in order.

[CRYING] To say his goodbyes.

Here we go.

[MAN SOBS]

[SOBBING] Jesus H. Christ.

I'm so sorry.

[SOBS]

Please, take all the time...

No! No, it's okay.

[SOBS]

He's so young. He's a father.

♪

FRANKIE:
So we are loving the second and third floor

- for you guys, right?
- Right.

Now, this furnished main floor,
and basement,

- could be a rental unit, right?
- Hmm.

Make some income on the side?

- I guess.
- It's not bad. [SIGHS]

Not bad?
All right, Vince, you don't sound pleased,

even though I've been showing
you dynamite all day long.

He is not the easiest guy to impress,
is he, Marky Mark?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh uh.

It's a great apartment for sure,
it's just...

Just...?

We've had some really bad experiences

with renters in the past.

We had one guy clean us out.
Even took the toilet.

Yes, yes, renters can be a gamble.

But, every once in a while,

you find like, that perfect person.

I guess you're right.

I mean, look at this gem!

Holy smokes!

You even have a stew corner.

For stew makin'.

Don't get me started on the
soaker tub in the bathroom.

And that cute little
treehouse in the backyard.

[SIGHS]

You know,
this apartment would be really great

for young professionals.

Or, a young-ish professional,

and a mixed-race up-and-coming child?

- It's kind of perfect.
- Sure.

Extra income would be a perk.

Well, I've always wanted a child...
as a neighbour.

[LEAVES RUSTLE IN THE WIND]

♪

Could we just stop for a second?

Yeah, okay. You know, for the record,

I do support you busting this creep.

But it doesn't change the fact

that you hid something from me... again!

Look, I feel awful about the Brad thing,

you know that.

But... part of my job, as your partner,

is to not tell you about
the things that I know

- are just gonna upset you.
- Anne, please.

You didn't tell me about
going to an abortion clinic.

- 'Member that?
- Lionel!

Ugh! How far is it to the car?

Too far!

You wanna... you wanna know something

that I've been keeping from you,
just so it's even?

I know it's weird that Alice found out

about us not being married,

and she's really hung up on it,
for some reason,

which I can't figure out,

but did you ever think

to ask how I feel about it?

[SILENCE]

Like, I never got to dress up,

or have a big party, like you did.

Not that your wedding was fun.

I know from experience that it wasn't,
but I mean,

other people have fun weddings.

[DIRT CRUNCHES UNDER FEET]

I guess I just kinda feel like maybe

I'm missing out on something.

Can we just stop for a second?

Just wait there.

[BIRDS CHIRP]

Can you take off that stupid hat

and give me your hand?

And while you're at it,

can you get rid of that phoney ring?

[LIONEL SIGHS]

[BIRDS CHIRP]

Lionel, I want you to have everything

that you dream about... within reason.

Will you marry me?

[BIRDS CHIRP]

- I respectfully decline.
- What?!

Anne, this is all I've ever wanted, ever,

but when you marry me, I want it to be

because I'm the most
beautiful boy in the room,

not because you're compensating
for some lie you told

about your ex-husband.

Are you serious?

Ugh! Hurry up, neck flap!

♪

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[ANNE SIGHS]

♪

_

What the f*ck?

KATE: Hey, it's me.
There's something in my armpit.

I'm pretty sure the doctor's
implying [BREAKING UP] cancer,

and AIDS or [BREAKING UP].

Call me [BREAKING UP] terminal.

♪

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [SCREAMS] Run!

♪

ROSIE: I'm just honna say it.

I know it was last minute, but still.

I think everyone coulda
stepped it up in attire.

- CHARLIE: Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, Rhoda, you're a mess.

- Use your-use your spoon, please.
- _

That's right, Rhoda, use your spoon,

for some tea, eh?

[KATE'S PHONE BUZZES]

Mix the tea with the...

- [KATE'S PHONE BUZZES]
- no, baby, mix the tea.

Shut the hell up, Rosie.

I'm about to find out if I have cancer.

What? Oh my God, Kate!

[KATE'S PHONE BUZZES]

This is Kate.

Peri-menopause?

Unbelievable!

Dude, the takeaway here is
that you don't have cancer.

Yeah, the other takeaway is
that I'm in my sunset years,

all of a sudden.

Ugh, God.

Like, I may as well have cancer.

- Stop saying that!
- Whatever.

I'm basically a Golden Girl.

[ANNE AND FRANKIE LAUGH]

[SWING CREAKS]

Ugh, and the worst part is
that Nathan's gonna find out,

and he's just gonna wanna
fill my body with a baby.

Yeah, you're probably not wrong, there.

Maybe I want a second kid too, you know?

- Just not right now.
- Uh uh.

God, I wish I had more time. f*ck.

FRANKIE: Yeah well, you don't.

- Thanks, Frank.
- [FRANKIE LAUGHS]

Hey, I got you.

I am your g*dd*mn godparent.

- And I'm yours. Deal?
- Deal.

♪

Your shoes are always so nice and clean.

Like nature-defying.

Holy sh*t, Frankie. Yes!

- [SHOE SPLASHES IN POOL]
- What! Frankie!

- [KATE AND FRANKIE LAUGH]
- What?

- Hey, come on.
- I had too much!

♪

♪ Violent denial chasing ♪

♪ Turning and turning in the morning ♪

♪ Stoned and alone by the evening ♪

♪ It's so nice to have
nothing to believe in ♪

♪ First big love big school bully ♪

♪ Little one, you've become so ugly ♪

- [ANNE LAUGHS]
- [KEYS CLACK]

♪ Sit staring blindly at the sun ♪

[ANNE LAUGHS]

♪ Mother of pearl, I'm not the one ♪

[KEYS CLACK]

♪