02x12 - If Women Had to Give Birth

[bunniefuu]

NATHAN: Previously on "Workin' Moms"...

Yeah, this is gonna be a lot easier

if I just let you listen to the recording.

BRAD: From now on, I
want you think about

how hard other women cum.

What's goin' on in my pit?

Find some treasure or something?

You have a small lump in your armpit.

Do I have cancer?

Peri-menopause?

You should take her.

- What?
- Take her.

- He can't get away with this.
- I'm not gonna let him.

Trust me when I say that
I am going to handle this.

[BABIES COO] KATE: Hmm.

Yeah, ever since givin' birth to Charlie,

through my penis, just
doesn't look the same.

It's all stretched out and weird.

FRANKIE: Yeah, I don't know,
still looks pretty elegant.

Elegant? [SCOFFS] What is this, brunch?

I want it to be intimidating.

For the record, I find
brunch very intimidating.

ANNE: After I gave
birth, I got stitches.

It was a blood bath.

Like I broke a bone, or some sh*t.

Well, you did sorta break a bone.

[ALL LAUGH]

Yeah, Percy pulled through, though.

Percy's a real trooper.

What, you call your d*ck Percy?

Yeah, I do.

Cool.

- Go ahead, give it a touch.
- No, I'm good, man.

Dude, this sh*t is sealed tight.

I don't... I believe, I don't wanna...

Wow, there's like no stretch
marks. How'd you do that?

I just massaged it with cocoa butter

before I went to bed every night.

You dirty dog.

VAL: Um, fellas,

I'm gonna need ya to rein it in here.

You know when we take it out,

it just turns into a pissing contest.

[KATE SIGHS]

JADE: Imagine having twins.

Ever seen that YouTube video

where that boa constrictor
is throwing up a cow?

Yeah, picture that.

And picture it again.

ALICIA: I hate my now.

I'm actually thinking about getting

penile rejuvenation surgery.

VAL: Whoa, hey now, Alicia, that's crazy.

Come on now, our wives,
co-workers, friends,

they'll love us no matter
what our bodies look like.

KATE: Hmm.

Now let's talk about
how your lives have changed

since becoming fathers.

I find more women flirt
with me when I'm with my baby,

- and I like that.
- Yeah, love that sh*t.

- Yeah.
- Sweet.

- My wife wants another one.
- Don't.

- I'm not. Why would I?
- [LAUGHS]

I'm pretty comfortable.

Gosh, could you imagine
if women had to give birth?

[ALL LAUGH]

- Through those enormous holes?
- What a cake walk!

Yeah, the babies would just slide out.

Oh, they wouldn't even
have to push, just [COUGHS].

- Pfft.
- [ALL LAUGH]

They'd still find somethin'
to complain about though.

- Am I right?
- [KATE SNAPS FINGERS]

Am I right? Am I right?
Am I right? Am I right?

Am I right? Am I right? Am
I right? Am I ri-i-i-i-i...

- I-i-i-i-i-i-i.
- [STARTLED WAKING GASP]

[ALARM BUZZES]

[EXHALES]

[TURNS OFF ALARM] Val!

Ugh!

Peri-f*ckin'-menopause.

♪

Thanks for coming, by the way.

I mean I could've done this myself but...

No, of course you could've,
but you don't have to,

'cause I got you.

[SILENCE]

And you were clear about
the location and time?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I was
clear about all the details.

Asking women to come out of
hiding about a sexual predator.

I can't exactly demand that they RSVP.

Totally. You did this perfectly.

[ANNE SIGHS]

It's just like, hard on my end,

to predict how much you know
like, tea and cake to bring.

Why did you even buy that cake?

- You said cake as a good idea?
- Not with that inscription.

I thought it would
lighten the mood, you know,

like in the right way? Like...

Jesus Christ, no one's coming. This...

this is so stupid. This was a stupid idea.

Let's just clean up. Just help me clean up.

Okay, okay.

[FRUSTRATED EXHALE]

Maybe before we go, we
have a little bit of cake?

- It is funfetti.
- Stop it with the cake.

You're a real downer, you know that?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hi. Welcome to the par-

thank you... so much for coming.

Hi, we know Brad Heshinton.

- We're students of his.
- Please come in.

Th-this is a safe place to talk about him.

Yeah.

♪

I learned so much in his class

that when he asked me
to go under, you know to-

to hypnotize me,

I thought it would be a
great opportunity to grow.

Hypnotize, she said hyp- did you hear?

Stop it.

But I have reason to
believe that he interfered

with my... judgment.

How so?

Well, I-I wasn't attracted to him,

like not at all. He
was just a good teacher.

But when I woke up from hypnosis,

Brad was on the couch next
to me, with his arm around me,

and there was all these
used tissues on the table,

and... I suddenly remember
thinking that I was a...

a lost little girl.

That I was his lost little girl.

Like those words exactly.

A lost little girl wouldn't
come to a meeting like this,

- that's for sure.
- That's right.

You sharing that story with us?

That's behaviour of a
strong, brave-ass woman.

Yeah, I know. I know
you're right. I just um...

I have this, I have this pit in my stomach

because I'm pretty sure he
was pleasuring himself...

while I was under.

I believe you.

What he did? That's on him.

You don't have to carry
around his sickness anymore.

And neither do you.

Did Brad hypnotize you as well?

Uh, no.

Damn it.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Well, do you wanna
share your story with us?

I mean, we're here to listen, but also,

you don't have to tell us.

This is all just so strange.

Yeah, I know.

Would a slice of cake help?

Um... no, I'm okay.

- It's a nice touch though.
- Oh.

So he asked to meet me
at his apartment, which...

I thought was strange,

but I know he met students there sometimes.

And um,

we started talking about control.

You see, he was helping me...

discover how controlling I am.

He came up with this, um, exercise.

And what was that?

He said I couldn't...
pee until I got his permission.

So um...

after a couple hours, I
had to go really bad, and...

I told him he'd made his point,

and I tried to go to the
washroom, and he blocked me.

Then, when I tried to leave his apartment,

he said that I wasn't
going anywhere unless...

I um...

peed my pants.

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

Um, so I did.

♪

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

ROSIE: [SULTRY VOICE]
Interested in assessing

your needs?[GIGGLES]

Interested in a
little one-on-one?

Kate?

- Oh, Thursday sounds so good.
- [GIGGLES]

Okay, talk then. Bye, bye. [GIGGLES]

Oh.

[NORMAL VOICE] Hi, Mr.
Foster. You're home so early.

- How was Ottawa?
- [CHUCKLES]

Where's Kate and my son and...

were you just having phone sex?

I was just doing some cold calls for Kate.

Sexy voice, it really helps my confidence.

Charlie's at daycare,

and Kate's at a breakfast meeting.

Her and her gal pals really
went at it last night.

Which is why it looks like a cr*ck house.

Nobody did cr*ck, just weed, and...

a bunch of rosé, by the looks of things.

They were celebrating the news.

Sorry, news?

You know about Kate not having cancer.

[SILENCE]

What?

Bert, she's here.

BERT: Mike, I'm gonna
have to call you back.

All right? Yeah. Okay. Bye, thanks.

- Kate, hey.
- Hi!

- Hi. No need to sit.
- I'll make this quick.

- Oh.
- So, I had the chance

to look over the work
you put together for us,

- and it's... good.
- Oh.

It's great, actually.

Yeah, but we're not gonna
hire your firm to represent us.

- Oh.
- Uh, look.

Though you may not be
green, your company is,

and we can't hire a
start-up to manage our image.

It would be irresponsible of us,

and our investors would never get on board.

Well I... I understand, but, I...

You're clearly bright.

And after a few years,
if your company survives,

which most don't,

we can have another conversation.

Okay.

In the meantime uh,

maybe I can help you get
through this first year.

You wanna donate some pencils? [CHUCKLES]

You see, we have this
event happening next week

that needs some managing.

It's just a one-off, but it's a job.

Whadda ya think?

I-I think yeah! Thank you.

Good, uh, because we
need eyes on it... today.

Amazing! Yeah!

Okay. It's just one event.

Yeah it is.
That's aw-uh, thank you so much.

- Pleasure. Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Great work.
- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

This is Nathan Foster,
please leave a message

and I'll promptly return your call.

[EXCITED] Ah! You'd better
promptly return my call!

I have got such big
news, Nathan. Call me back

as soon as you get this, okay?

Where are you anyway? Call me!

♪

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

YES! [HONKS HORN] Oh.

♪

[GOAT BLEATS]

- Look at this.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Can you say hi.

Got all my fave ladies,
and all my fave animals.

Life doesn't get any better than that.

These are all your fave animals here?

Totally.

Farm animals are just as cool,
if not cooler than those fancy,

- exotic animals at the big zoos.
- Are they, though?

Okay, we'll ask Zoe.

Hey, baby girl, which
one do you like best, huh?

I think this guy likes you. Say hi.

Aw, I mean, she's so good with animals.

She's totally gonna be a
veterinarian. Or vegetarian.

- Or you know, both.
- That's so sweet.

[IAN CHUCKLES]

Hey listen, I gotta pee.

Would you mind watching her for a minute?

Oh I, uh, sorry,

I just don't really know

what to do with her, so can
you just take her with you?

I'll stay here.

Show her to the ewes.
Guaranteed hit. She'll love 'em.

I don't really feel

that comfortable, Ian. Can you just...

just take her with you.

It's fine, she's a cute little...

I don't want to. Okay?

- I don't really do kids, Ian.
- Okay?

Wait, what does that mean?

[WINE POURS]

[KATE SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT]

Domestic angel present,
if you care to notice.

[FOOTSTEPS THUD LIGHTLY]

What's your big news?

Oh, uh, I officially have my first client.

[GLASSES CLINK]

- Good for you.
- Hmm.

Is that all?

Well, Nathan, I'm sorry,
but that's kinda huge, right,

that means my business
is actually in business.

Great! Means your
investment wasn't in vein.

Money well spent.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Isn't there anything you wanna tell me?

What's happening?

- Like you don't have cancer?
- Oh God!

Nathan, I wanted to tell you, but...

But what? You don't tell me anything!

First it was Frankie moving in.

Then it was you using the settlement money

to start a business, and
running it out of our house!

And now I have to hear
from Rosie, of all people,

that you might've had cancer!

But wait, good news, you don't.

So you throw a party. With your friends.

Like I don't even f*cking exist.

Okay, well hold on.

This all happened while
you were outta town, okay.

I went to the doctor because
I was feeling really tired,

and he didn't like explicitly say

that I have cancer.

Well, anyway, I used you
know, the internet for like,

- a second opinion.
- Why wouldn't you call me?

I-I, you know, I got scared,
and I started feeling guilty,

and then I like, was envisioning like,

leaving you and Charlie alone.

I don't know! I just got
like, lost in the whole thing.

And then I found out that

I actually have... a...

- You have what, Kate?
- Well...

- Kate!
- I got peri-menopause.

- Menopause.
- How's that even possible?

Unless you're lying about your age, too?

Peri-menopause.
It's not like menopause, menopause,

it's like younger. It's like
the sexy, it's sexy menopause.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

It means I still get pregnant,

but my door is closing.

When were you gonna tell me about that?

- To be honest?
- Yes, please,

- that would be refreshing.
- I-I've been scared to, okay,

because I finally get my
business up and running,

and I know how much
you want a second child.

Since when do you care about what I want?

- Well...
- You just go ahead and do

whatever it is you
want, every time anyways.

Just keep me in the dark,
so I don't get in your way.

Okay, hold on. Nathan,

- Don't bother. I'm goin' out.
- Wait.

Nathan...

[DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT]

So g*dd*mn hot in here. Menopause.

IAN: What did you mean when
you said you don't do kids?

Uh, it means that I can't have kids.

My ex-husband and I tried to
have kids for like, six years.

And I've had more
miscarriages than you can...

[CHOKES UP]

[IAN SIGHS]

- I had no idea.
- How could you?

It's not something I usually open with.

Anyways, I know that I'm
getting ahead of myself here,

but I have to,

because I don't think that
I can take another loss.

Look at her, she's everything
that I've always wanted,

and now that you have Zoe full time,

I-I just don't want
to get attached to her,

in case things don't work
out between you and me.

What? N-n-n-n-no, you don't
need to hide her. Stop it.

It's not her fault.

It's not your fault... either.

[SILENCE]

Listen, I think that it
would be best for all of us,

Zoe included,

if I just walk away right now,

before things get you know,

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE] complicated.

- [FOOTSTEPS THUD ON FLOOR]
- [DOOR OPENS]

- Sonya, I-
- [DOOR CLOSES]

♪

♪

[BIRDS CHIRP]

[ARM CLICKS]

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

♪ One, a-two, a-one,
two, three, go! ♪

♪

♪ Silly, happy, Wild wild ♪

♪ Silly, happy, Wild wild ♪

♪ Baby, you shape me as you make me ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ohh ♪

♪ You're my opus ♪

♪ You're my gold ♪

♪ You're the focus of my soul ♪

♪ Honey, I love the
way you love me, boy ♪

♪ Love me, boy ♪

♪ So hold on and don't let go ♪

♪ I just got to let you know ♪

♪ Silly, happy, Wild wild ♪

♪ When I think of you ♪

♪ Silly, happy, Wild wild ♪

♪ Everything you do ♪

♪ Silly, happy, Wild wild ♪

♪ Something about you makes me ♪

♪ Silly, happy, Wild wild ♪

FRANKIE: Atta girl, Greta! Go for it!

And save some room for dessert.

- What is it?
- Oh, I don't know,

just like some chocolate cake with like,

- strawberries and whipped cream!
- [HOWIE GASPS]

You're a good woman, Aunt Frankie!

[BOTH LAUGH]

The place is pretty sweet, Frank.

Yeah, thanks, bro. I'm happy.

Well, you could slice some real tail here.

Okay, did you forget to ear candle, man?

What?

I told you, I'm on a romance hiatus.

I'm not even kissing
anyone for like, six months,

- or seven years.
- Yeah, right.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh! I'll get it!

Hey, psst. You order pizza?

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hey! Hi!

- Come in!
- Oh. [SMALL LAUGH]

Frankie, meet new neighbour, Bianca.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I tried hitting on here when she was out

watering her garden, but uh,

turns out she's gay, like you, so...

- Wow, Howie, that's...
- Daddy!

What?!

[ALL CHUCKLE]

- Maybe I should go.
- No. Oh, no, no, no, please.

Ignore my insane brother.
Please join us. Please.

- Yeah.
- [BIANCA LAUGHS]

GRETA: Eat your corn,
and you can have cake.

BIANCA: Oh, thank you.

[SILVERWARE CLATTERS]

Thanks.

- Looks great.
- Yeah.

[WINGS FLUTTER]

The Dean just said it was urgent.

He probably just wants to talk golf.

- I always b*at him, you know.
- So you've said.

[CHUCKLING] John, this better be good!

Ladies, to what do I owe the pleasure?

Shut the door, and take
a seat, Dr. Heshinton.

Anne!

Brad.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Does anyone wanna tell
me what exactly is going on?

Sit down, Brad.

These ladies have presented an affidavit

with very damaging,

and frankly, disturbing stories about you.

Well, I'm sure there's
a misunderstanding there?

Unfortunately, it doesn't appear

to be a misunderstanding.

What are you talking about?

You always told me that I
should be a better listener.

So, I recorded our session.

You know she's my ex-wife, right?

Yeah. What about us?

Remember this?

BRAD: You know, sometimes
I masturbate to the time

that you and I had sex
on that boat in Maine.

Do you remember that, Annie?

I could barely hear you climax
over the sound of the ocean.

- I think that's what...
- Hey, enough! Hey, enough!

We hear it! Off! Off! Turn it off! Anne!

[TURNS OFF]

[SHOUTS] This is outrageous, John!

[STRESSED EXHALE]

Okay, you're...

You, John, you're hearing
from my lawyer about this.

I'd say a lawyer was a good idea, Brad.

As of this morning, I've alerted the Board

that you're no longer a
professor on staff, here.

- Oh!
- I've also filed a complaint

with the Medical Counsel of Canada.

John, no-no... okay.

[WHISPERS] Hold on. Um,

Looks like you've
molested your last mind.

♪

[HAPPY EXHALE]

[TRAFFIC WHOOSHES]

♪

[KATE SIGHS]

Hey! Where'd you go?

Went out for a drive.

[LIGHTS CLICKS ON]

I've been thinking about what you said.

And you're right.

Look, I don't want a baby right now,

but I wasn't % sold
on having Charlie, either,

and he's one of my top
two favourite creatures

on this earth.

I don't have time to wait
'til everything feels perfect.

So maybe it doesn't have
to be my way, or your way.

Let's just support each other, you know?

From now on, when I make a...

Before I make a decision,
I'll let you know, okay?

[TOOTHBRUSH RASPS]

[WATER RUNS]

[NATHAN SIGHS]

Okay.

I guess we'll wait and see, won't we?

♪ What's hiding inside ♪

Yeah.

♪ Ain't the first to fall ♪

♪ To notice you can't have it all ♪

♪ I ain't a cold-hearted man ♪

- ♪ Won't give you false hopes ♪

♪ But I ain't made
of stone got limits ♪

♪ I'll get weak if you get too close ♪