02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Darling, I'm home.

Oh, how was the air
ambulance this morning?

Wonderful. I saved a man who'd
accidentally sat on a vacuum cleaner

when he wasn't wearing underpants.

Was it some sort of sex game?

I don't judge people, I
just take them to hospital

so they can have things
removed from their rectums.

You are so lucky to be
helping people like that.

But your royal visits help people.

You give them the most important
seconds of their lives.

Is everything all right?

It's the RAF, I'm
suspended from all flying,

they're saying I never completed
my basic helicopter training.

Of course you did.

- Didn't you?
- Yes.

And no.

I was fast tracked.

It can take up to four years
to become a helicopter pilot

and I did it in weeks.

You let them give you
preferential treatment?

Well, you know the pressures
on a working royal's time.

Of course, we'd never have had
that skiing holiday in Courcheval.

Do you know what hurts the
most, that you didn't tell me.

I just couldn't bear to see that face.

That face you've got now that says

"You're just an over privileged w*nk*r."

I don't think you're an
over privileged w*nk*r.

Thanks for saying I'm not
an over privileged w*nk*r.

It's time for me to put this right

and complete my basic helicopter training.

And anyway I have to, or I'll get a fine.

I've just been bitten by
something in the garden.

- Probably Terry.
- What?

He's one of the Peruvian
tree lizards I've introduced

to try and keep the greenfly
down since I banned pesticides.

Mother nature will be far more effective.

If I can't drink vodka out there,
what's the point in having a garden?

- What are you up to?
- It's my proposal for a new range of stamps.

It's me as a selection
of Greek and Roman gods.

Second class I'm Poseidon,

all the way up to £ . for
larger packages where I'm Zeus.

The only thing you have
in common with Zeus

is you've both got dodgy Greek relatives.

But what would you do
if you had real power?

I'd get them all, all up
against a wall and sh**t them.

- Who? - The Royal Institute
of British Architects.

But there's a law that reins
us in called the Magna Carta.

I call it the Fun Stopper.

- Oh, yes. - Then there's the people,
we'd have to be popular as a couple,

and you're about as popular
as a turd in a swimming pool.

Yes, I just can't get the knuckle
dragging scum to take to me.

For some reason they can't seem to
see past your horrible character.

I have to do something
to make them like me.

Something big.

And news just in, -year-old
singing sensation Melanie Flowers

is in urgent need of a kidney transplant,

but her rare blood type,
AB BA AB negative,

means a donor is highly unlikely.

That's my blood type.

Hello?

Hi, Harry, any news from Meghan Markle?

Ya, still in LA, still
smashing it in Suits.

Are you all right?

Oh, just feeling a bit old.

Do you ever get that? Your youth's gone

and all you've got ahead
is duty and responsibility.

I was saying just that to
the guys at Laser Quest,

but there's no point in moping,
it's taken my mind off Meghan.

I've bought a nightclub.

- You haven't? - I have, I'm
gonna make it the new Boujies.

We had a laugh in those days, didn't we?

- Yeah. - Do you remember
that time I dressed as a n*zi?

Oh, which time? Luftwaffe SS or Gestapo?

- U-boat Commander.
- Oh!

Tell you what, why don't
you help me run it?

Oh, Harry, it's a nice idea but I'm
so busy with all my royal duties.

- Knock-knock.
- Watcher, Pips.

Just training for my next triathlon.

Got a new bike. Ah,

cost more than a family car.

Oh, do you want to bring it
in in case someone steals it?

I don't care if they do, Johnny
buys them in batches of .

Oh, hey, I've just bought a nightclub,

I've been trying to get
Kate to help me run it.

Oh, Kate's far too dedicated to do that.

A royal bird trapped in a gilded cage.

Whereas I'm an eagle, soaring
above, sh1tting wherever I like.

Now come on, girls.

Harry, I've changed my mind, I
will help you with your nightclub.

Oh, no.

- What is it?
- It's from MI

saying we've breached national
security by sending the DVD

of Daddy setting fire to a
servant to You've Been Framed.

So no £ ?

On top of being booted
off the sovereign grant.

I still can't believe Auntie Anne
called our waitressing unprofessional.

We got some of the food on to the plates.

Maybe we should learn to
take criticism onboard.

Like when Mummy stopped charging
£ , for meetings with Daddy.

You're right.

From now on, we're going to
be completely professional

in everything we do.

Harry's got a job for us.

Tell him we don't work mornings.

My name is Preston.

The first thing you need to know
about me is I've got no testicles.

Would anyone care to
speculate how I lost 'em?

Was it an industrial accident?

Drop and give me !

Anyone else?

It was sh*t off, in Iraq.

Well, well, well.

Wills Windsor.

We go way back, this guy
here is a helicopter genius.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir.

And I want you guys to make his time here

a living hell!

What?

You just said I was a helicopter genius.

Who broke the rules and
skipped basic training.

I didn't want to. They told me
my time was too valuable to waste.

- I mean... - Oh, so this is
a waste of your time, is it?

I do apologise, Your Highness,

for dragging you away from
something more valuable.

Like opening a bypass or
giving Ken Dodd a Knighthood.

No, I'd much rather be here
training with you guys.

Are you saying Doddy doesn't
deserve a knighthood?

No, he's great, I mean, well, he
goes on a bit, but he's fantastic.

- Why are we talking about this?
- So after years in the business,

Ken Dodd doesn't know how
to edit his own material,

- is that what you're saying?
- No, you're putting words in my mouth.

What we've got here, boys, is a man
who thinks that helicopter training

is a waste of time. And that
Ken Dodd shows are too long.

No, it's just people
do need to get trains.

I think we know how we
treat men like that.

I'll leave you to get acquainted.

Right, Your Royal Highness.

Hi, guys. Call me Wills.

Nah. We're gonna call you fuckface.

Oh...

If all it takes to get little
Melanie back out there singing

is the donation of one of my
kidneys, then I'm happy to oblige.

Course without it, little
Melanie will surely die.

Yes, your parents have probably
been keeping that from you.

- Yes? - Are you worried
about the operation?

No. The greatest honour a ruler
can have is to lay down a kidney

for one of her subjects.

Right, er, that's it,
let's wrap it up, shall we?

Would His Royal Highness care to
comment on reports of a plague

of mongoose in the
gardens at Clarence House?

Yah, I don't know what
you're talking about.

I certainly never introduced
mongoose to eat the snakes

which I'd hoped would prey on the lizards

which I mistakenly introduced
to eradicate the greenfly.

I hope that puts your mind at rest.

What about Camilla, eh?

She's a jolly good fellow...

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow... ♪

Are you sure about this operation?

You're not a young woman
anymore and you haven't been

for many, many, many, many, many years.

Yes, but who knows what might
happen before the operation.

Get in the house!!

There was a queue a mile long.

So, do you want me to manage the staff?

Actually, where are the staff?

Oh, well, you're looking at them.

Yes, thanks very much for
the opportunity, Harry.

It's so nice to be
inside this time of year.

OK. So who's going to do what?

Well, we're gonna work on the
door because we're so good

at judging fashion and trends.

And I'm brilliant at drinking
so I'll be in charge of the bar.

And I've been given the
most responsible job of all,

handing out sweets in the toilet.

Great. Oh, and what about a DJ?

Oh, yah. I forgot to put that
add in the newsagent's window.

Oh, hey, you could do it.

- Me? - Yah, you always
made a mean mix tape.

Oh, well, that was in my carefree s.

I've got duties and responsibilities now.

Well, bollocks to your
duties and responsibilities,

I'm into this for two mil.

One club! One club! Give
it to me now, dub-dub-dub...

OK, just a sec.

Just a moment.

Perfect head shape.

Have a great night.

- Hello, girls.
- Mummy.

Isn't it exciting, new
club opening in town.

- What are you doing here?
- Well, what do you think?

To drink champers and
flash my freckly bangers.

- Great.
- Just one sec.

We can't let her in, she
doesn't fit the club profile.

But she's our mum.

What about our new professional approach?

I'm sorry, you're in too big a group.

But it's just me. I'm on my own.

I'm all alone.

But she said,

too big a group.

I understand, girls, I'll go now.

Sorry, girls, did you say something?

No.

Aargh!

Um...

Oh, thank you.

Wills!

What happened to your face?

Well, I'm being systematically
bullied at work.

Cos they think I'm stuck up.

Well, we'll speak about it later.

I've got to go and finish my set.

Set?

- Henry V.
- That's right.

So you're not fitting
in with your comrades?

No. Unless things change I don't
think I'll last the course.

There's only one thing you
can do with men like these.

Banter! It's the only thing they respect.

Banter?

I'm not sure I'm very good at being bawdy.

Sometimes a king has to be.

Like once, a common foot
soldier shouted at me,

"Watcher, ginger pubes,"

but instead of getting
cross, I simply replied,

"Lucky they are ginger.

"It makes them easier to pick
out of your mother's teeth."

And that's what won us Agincourt.

So I should just walk in
tomorrow and call them all twats?

Um, I wouldn't open with it.

Now I must go and cut some shapes.

Once more unto the breach!

Pippa!

You seem to be enjoying yourself.

Is Johnny with you?

No, his company's just taken
over a thriving pottery firm

and he's busy bulldozing
it to make a car park.

Oh, oh, hang on a sec.

Sorry about that, getting
really in to this.

I had the whole crowd moving as one,

I'm like some sort of mystical shaman.

Mm, or someone who's just putting
on one record after another.

There's more to DJing than that.

Yes, well, there is all
that Jamaican to learn.

Pippa.

Hey, have you two ever kissed?

Sorry I'm off my face.

May I have the pleasure of this dance?

You may.

When did you become a DJ?

Inside, I think I always have been.

Really? Anyway, we'd better go,

I've gotta get up early
to practise my banter.

But I've got to do another set.

Can't you just stick a record
on and leave them to it?

No. I've got go like this with one
hand and then this with the other

otherwise it's not the same.

Apart from anything else, you've
got a full diary tomorrow.

I can do this and my royal duties.

No-one can be a full time
royal and a nightclub DJ,

there simply aren't
enough hours in the day.

Watch me. Two...

What's the matter with you today?
Normally we can't get you out of the

- garden. - Oh, I'm just
taking it in from here.

It's got nothing to do with the
wolves you've introduced to eat the

- mongoose, has it?
- No, no, no.

And that's certainly not the
reason the gardener lost his arm.

That press conference was a success.

Camilla Parker Bowles over Britain.

Yes, it's all going rather well.

Oh, I see the brakes on little
Melanie's wheelchair failed.

- Oh, dear. - Yes, and at the
White Cliffs of Dover, too.

Goodness me, if a bystander hadn't
grabbed her she surely would've gone

- right over the cliff.
- Yes, it's all very sad.

What? You mean she survived?

Yes. Good, isn't it?

So I am going to have
to give her a kidney.

They've picked up Simpkins' scent.

Run, Simpkins, run!

Not in here, man, use the tradesman's.

Look who it is, Princess William.

Right.

I don't have a comeback.

Shut up, you big hairy knob.

If that's the best you can do,

then that private education
was a waste of money.

- I...
- Don't think.

Feel, and it will come.

Funny you want to be a pilot
because you are the definition of...

And another thing...

That was incredible.

I've never heard banter like it.

And just from the cuss-sweeping
abuse and psychological insight,

- consider yourself one of the lads.
- That's all I ever wanted.

Very touching. But that don't mean jack
when it comes to passing your basic training.

And to do that each one of you got
to defeat me in the boxing ring.

That's not on the syllabus!

Do I look like I give a damn?!

- Oh, you're in early.
- I haven't slept.

I went straight from the club to a
breakfast meeting with British Netball.

I've got minutes to do tonight's
set list before having tea with the

Potato Association.

Do you make those set lists?

I thought you just cut and
pasted them off Spotify.

No. What's this?

Harry!

You've lost £ m in two days.

Blimey, how did that happen?

You haven't charged anyone for drinks.

Do people pay for drinks?

- 'Course they do.
- Well, I never have.

One person drank £ , -worth of vodka!

Oh, yah, that was me.

I thought I felt a bit... ugh.

Harry, don't you understand
how serious this is?

You're about to go out of business.

- What?! - I said you're
about to go out... - No.

Sorry, I think I just
heard an ice cream van.

Mayfair .

- I need your help.
- Who is this?

You know who this is.

'The club's in trouble. It
needs a cash injection fast.'

Why don't you ask Wills?

I can't, he doesn't approve of my DJ-ing.

Oh, trouble in paradise?

Well, who's got the sh*t relationship now?

I never said anything
about your relationship.

So you thought you'd come crawling
to your little sister instead?

Oh, I suppose I could speak to Johnny.

- Thanks. - But first, admit that
you're a bland goody-two-shoes head girl

who secretly bores the tits
off everyone she meets.

But that's not true.

- It is, now say it.
- All right, Pippa, if that's what you want.

I'm a bland goody-two-shoes head girl

who bores the tits off everyone I meet.

'Congratulations.' Harry's
little nightclub is saved.

Thank you, Derek, now the other foot.

Charles, I want you to know,

if the worst should happen you
have my permission to remarry.

I wouldn't want to. I'd be like
Queen Victoria after Albert d*ed,

go in to mourning for many, many years,

and then perhaps when the pain has dulled,

reconnect with Susan
George on Friends Reunited.

- We're ready for you.
- Darling you can still back out.

You don't need to have
the public like you.

You're not David Beckham.

I have my reasons.

Better to reign in hell
than serve in heaven.

You'll be in hell in a
minute if he gets it wrong.

- Or heaven.
- Oh, be realistic.

Sorry, no trainers.

Judging people on their
appearance is such fun.

Apart from that one time when
we turned away our own mummy.

Stop it, Beatrice.

Oh, Eugenie, we've become
professional, but at what price?

Hello, girls, I mean, one, please.

- Mummy? - I don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm only .

Mummy, we know it's you.

Oh.

I'm sorry, girls, I've made a
fool of myself again, haven't I?

Why can't I accept it's not anymore?

Don't be silly, Mummy, you're coming in, and
you're going to have the night of your life.

Frankie says relax!

Nice shorts, where d'you get them?

- Help the Aged?
- No bantering's gonna help you here.

And for the record, I got 'em from M&S.

So, Queensberry Rules?

Ugh.

Isn't it great seeing
Mummy enjoying herself.

Let's never be professional again.

Kate, where have you been?

The Cheltenham Gold Cup,
there was a Stewards Enquiry.

Well, you can't DJ dressed like that.

Yes, I can. Now give me my bass cans.

Kate, Kate, maybe you
should take the night off.

- You look done-in.
- I'm fine.

Oh!

- Is being a pilot worth this?
- It is to me.

All you're good for is accepting
bunches of flowers from old ladies.

How's this for a bunch of flowers?

Ain't you forgetting something, boy?

- It's Harry.
- Harry?

Sorry, I can't talk right now.

I'm in the middle of something.

Kate.

Something's happened to Kate.

- One, two... - I'm coming. - .. three.

Wills? You have to stay in
the ring for the full count,

you're gonna pass.

I've got to go.

Nine.

Ten?

- I'm alive! - You always
say that when you wake up.

But I haven't got any stitches.

No, they didn't take your kidney.

Oh, because I drink
units of alcohol a day?

No, they ran a blood test and
found you had a tropical disease.

How did I get that?

Terry the lizard. The point
is your kidney's intacto,

plus little Melanie bought
a kidney off someone else.

Urgh, oh, lovely.

Oh, it's just , I
thought we said a hundred?

No, no, 's fine.

Urgh.

Well, I can't wait to get home.

Ah, you're going to be staying
here for the next hours.

Sweat out the old tropical disease.

- What? - We haven't got the necessary
restraints at Clarence House.

You'll be safer here anyway.

Since the bears gained entry.

- Bears? - They're the
wolves' only natural predator.

But the poison will have taken
effect by the time you get home.

I thought you'd banned
pesticides in the garden.

We can't lose any more men!

Which one of the staff's
the designated first-aider?

- Kate.
- Oh.

Kate? Get back, everyone.

It's exhaustion!

And what do you do for a living?

Oh, Kate you're back, I'm sorry we argued.

of course you should be a DJ if
that's what you really want to do.

No, I realised something
when I was unconscious,

it's time I put all my energies
in to preparing to be queen.

After all, it could
happen as soon as .

You've always gotta get it in haven't you?

I'm giving up the air ambulance,
I can be a full time royal, too.

But you did pass?

- No. - Was it because you
rushed here to help me?

A gentleman never tells.

Oh, Wills.

Big borcha!

Harry, I've just had some bad news,
you know that loan from Johnny?

Well, it wasn't a loan. He now owns
the club and he just sold it to

property developers.

I see.

And how does that affect me?

I'm popular, and with
popularity comes power!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

The sheep love me!

Argh!

Argh! Argh!

That's visiting time over,
see you in hours.