02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

As a gypsy, I enjoyed nothing more than
tracking hedgehogs. But that was to eat.

If people found out that we
kept him locked in an attic,

they'd think we were all insane.

- Which we're not.
- I'm sorry, Pippa,

but you knew I was a psychopath
when you agreed to marry me.

We're not absolute shite.

- That's deep enough, Edward.
- Oh, thank goodness.

The old sciatic is playing up.

- Just get the box.
- Righto.

Just wondering, you will
still be backing my musical

about the Queen's worst ever year? Anus.

You do know "Annus" is
spelled with two Ns?

Is it? Well, I've had them printed now.

Right. Put this in a box.

- What is it?
- A new Magna Carta.

Just bury it.

If you ever mention this to
a living soul, I'll bury you.

In several different locations.

Why didn't we go to a
restaurant for lunch?

Oh, restaurants are so expensive.

And all that really matters is
I'm spending time with my sister.

- You just can't enjoy yourself, can you?
- Actually, I can.

Wills and I are about to enjoy a
luxurious spa weekend in Poundbury.

Prince Charles' sustainable toy town?

Yeah, do you want to come?

I'd rather sh*t a porcupine.

Everyone knows Poundbury's a joke.

- Why don't you go somewhere fun?
- Oh, as long as Wills and I are
together, I don't care where we are.

You think your relationship's
better than mine, don't you?

- Just cos you married a prince.
- No, I...

Well, Johnny's got billions.
Not millions, billions.

- Did somebody order
lunch? - Johnny! - Pippa...

Why are you dressed as
a pizza delivery man?

Didn't you get my text? I went
long on the building sector.

I've lost everything. I'm ruined.

Ruined?

Anyway, that's £ .

- I'll get it.
- Shut up!

Come on, we're going home.

It'll have to be a backy.

Welcome to Poundbury,
in the heart of Dorset.

No, you've not gone through a time portal.

This is the st century.

Here, the old world mixes with the new.

The web designer queues for his bus
with the mediaeval inquisitor...

.. and the ploughman

shares his ploughman's
luncheon with the astronaut.

And everyone gets along famously.

So, come to Poundbury,

where we put the social
back into social engineering.

Some boys dream of playing
football for England,

or marrying a beautiful woman.

But not me.

My dream was to always build a
mixed-use residential suburb

on the outskirts of Dorchester.

I'd now like to unveil this
statue of a Great Briton,

probably Rapidly the
greatest Briton of them all,

who went on to unite the
nation with his rousing oratory,

great wit,

and sheer bloody leadership.

Mm...

I'd now like to invite the entire
team behind this wonderful town,

Dorset men through and through,

to enter the Duchess of Cornwall.

- Well, that's another royal
duty ticked off. - Two, one each.

That's a bit weird.

Yah!

Come on, let's find the spa.

Pippa!

I was just passing. Thought
I'd drop this book up for you.

Oh, wow! I love this series.

And I'm getting really good
at staying inside the lines.

How are things going with
you and Meghan, by the way?

- Not good.
- Oh, yes?

I think I love her too much.

She works so hard,

but I'm just a prince who's
had everything on a plate.

Sooner or later, she's going to
realise I do literally nothing.

I'm going to have to get a proper job.

So, no plans on dumping her, then?

Pippa! Ha-ha!

What are you doing?!

It's not !

In here it is!

Bye, Harry. And if you
ever touch my arse again,

you'll be picking up your
horsey teeth with a broken arm.

I like her.

Uncle Andrew, you're a royal who's
made his own way in business.

I should say so. The way
I got the son-in-law,

the president of Kazakhstan,
to buy my house for £ million

over the asking price.

Hang on, you're not
wearing a wire, are you?

But what happens in Kazakhstan
stays in Kazakhstan.

Great people to deal with.

They're the only people who haven't realised
our Royal Family's completely irrelevant.

- Apart from the people who make the
crown. - Good point. - Now, listen,

do you think there's any
way I could work for you?

That's why I'm here. I've
got a big deal coming up,

and you are vital to its success.

I can offer a very attractive package.

How does unpaid intern sound?

Wow!

You won't regret it.

I always thought you'd be
just the bloke to guide me.

Well, I'm a tremendously moral person.

- Mummy! - Oh, hello, girls. A
bit up against it, actually.

I've got to get my memoirs
finished by Monday.

But you've already written two
memoirs in the last five years.

But so much has happened since then.

Like what?

Well, for a start, Penguin offered
me grand for another lot.

But you've used all the good stuff up.

The self-loathing, the comfort
eating, the positive thinking.

I know! Oh, God, I've been
a bloody fool, haven't I?

When will I learn?

Right, we're going to
help you write this memoir.

Only this time, we're going
to peel back the layers,

and find the real Fergie.

But that's what it says on
the cover of the first one.

- Oh.
- Well, how about this time,

we pull back the curtain to
find the real, real truth,

behind the real, real, real Fergie.

Well, that's easy to say. Well,
how are you going to do it?

We're going to get you drunk...

and ask you some questions.

Well, where is it?

I don't think your dad
would've built a town without

a five star luxury spa and gym, do you?

No, he wouldn't do that.

The electricity went off again last night.

But I'm just happy to help
Prince Charles fulfil his vision.

Yeah, my bog's still not right.

- Won't flush. - Worth it to know
that your water's being pumped

by a replica th-century windmill.

Yeah, and who wants a functioning toilet

- when you've got a nice statue
of Prince Charles? - Yeah.

There's something not
right about this place.

Yah. I don't think there is a spa.

I need to find Dad. Will
you be OK on your own?

Yeah, of course. You go.

Business, dearie?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

I've just done the maths.

I'll never get £ billion
being a pizza delivery man.

Oh, pull yourselves together!

That's the worst thing you
can say to a depressed person!

All right, then. Cheer up?

I'm going to have to sell everything.

Shut up and have a drink.

Or you're going to have to get a job.

What?!

f*ck this for a game of soldiers.

- Hi, Uncle Andy.
- Ah-ah! We are in a work relationship now,

and at work you will refer
to me as Randy Andy.

Gosh, I'm learning so much.

So, is this where you work, then?

What are you wearing?

Here. Go and put this on.

It's what real businessmen wear.

Righto.

And...

thanks for giving me this
opportunity, Randy Andy.

Let's go to work!

Always punch from the hip.

And don't be afraid to bite
their ears in the clinch hit.

Kate Middleton!

I recognise that
sledgehammer right anywhere!

Gypsy Ricky!

It's been over ten years.

- What have you been up to?
- Set up as a student, what about you?

Well, I met Prince William at
university, then we got married,

and eventually I'll be Queen.

- You're THAT Kate Middleton?
- Yah, didn't you see?

It was in all the newspapers.

Well, I've heard of the name, but
I get all my news off social media.

What with all of the algorithms,
it feeds me what I want to see,

which is mainly boxing and naked ladies.

I'm in an echo chamber.

Well, I'll send you some wedding photos.

Right you are. But how did you manage it?

I did a fashion show in my bra and pants,

and he came over and started chatting.

No, I mean how did you get married?

When you're still married to me?

Oh, hello! What are you
two chatting about?

Camilla, what are you doing here?

You can't drink as much as I do and stay this
thin without putting a little bit of work in.

- Aren't you going to introduce us?
- This is Gypsy Ricky.

- He's an old friend of mine.
- A little bit more than a friend.

- Oh, yes? - I'm sure Camilla
wants to go and warm up now.

Oh, no rush. A little bit
more than a friend, you say?

That's right. Kate and me...

We be married.

Not really. We jumped the broom
at a traditional grabbing ritual.

But I've divorced him now by
saying "I divorce you" three times.

Oh, but the divorce is only binding
if a gypsy notary from the original

county at the broom
jumping is also present.

So as I say, we still be...

married.

Papa.

Ah, there you are. This is going
to be phase two, Poundbury.

These mud huts are centred
around a little Waitrose.

Dad, I've been having a
little look around the town.

- Brilliant, isn't it?
- No, it's not.

Everything's made out of polystyrene and
no-one can park their car outside their house.

Well, that's fully intentional.

The landscape parking areas are far
away from the residential zones.

- What if they have to bring a washing
machine home? - They won't need to.

What's wrong with a bit of
elbow grease and a mangle?

That's all right for you to say.

You've never washed a pair
of gunties in your life.

You're more interested in
putting up statues of yourself

than fixing someone's boiler.

Who's had a boiler installed?

Don't you care that people don't
have heat and electricity?

Most of Buckingham Palace doesn't
have heat and electricity.

You can't let people live like this.

It's not Britain in the th
century, or the Isle of Wight now.

If you're not going to change
things in this town, I will.

Who's had a boiler installed?

'By now you will all have heard that
my first marriage to Gypsy Ricky,

'renders my marriage to
Prince William null and void.

'I therefore renounce
all royal privileges,

'and intend to resume my
career of tarmacking drives.'

Kate! I've been looking
for you everywhere.

You finally won, Camilla.

I'm leaving the royal family.

What are you talking about?

I see.

You're not fooling me this time.

You just want to announce
it to the press yourself.

I would never do that.

You see, like you, I once made a mistake.

I was just a girl, and I was
madly in love with Charles.

But then he had to go on naval manoeuvres,

and I fell under the spell
of another gentleman.

Well, I say gentleman, it
was the Argentine polo team.

By the time Charles returned,
I was considered damaged goods.

Charles was told he couldn't marry me.

Gosh, you really were up for anything.

It's in the past.

But I didn't want the
same mistake to ruin you.

But what shall I tell Wills?

If he asks you, are you married
to a boxing gypsy called Ricky,

by all means tell him.

Otherwise, say nothing.

That's it, mummy. Just one
more Harvey Wallbanger.

She's ready.

OK, Mummy, I'm going to take you back,

when was your most exciting time?

The s.

And where are you?

I'm with John Travolta, and
there's foam everywhere.

That sounds interesting.

Stuart Hall keeps trying to interview me.

Now she's remembering It's
A Royal Knockout again.

OK, Mummy, go somewhere else.

I'm at Clarence House.

And there's a man there.

I can't quite make him out.

Fergie.

Hello, Charles, I was
just looking for Andy.

He's outside cutting the break cables

on the Foreign Secretary's car.

- It's a practical joke.
- He so funny.

So he won't do that for some time.

Oh, Fergie, we've denied
ourselves for too long.

The dam is about to burst.

In fact, a bit's trickling out now.

But I love Andy.

We both do. Although if I find
him tremendously irritating.

Now show the future king
your freckly bangers.

No, these freckly bangers
are for Andy's eyes only,

and anyone who happens to be
at next week's Level gig.

- Mmmm.
- Charles, we mustn't!

OMG, he Poldarked her!

If we put this in Mummy's
book, she'll make millions.

We can't, it will destroy
the royal family.

They deserve it, they ruined Mummy's life.

If it wasn't for them,

she'd probably be a quite
good hotel receptionist by now.

Oh, Charlie.

I've got to be honest, Randy Andy,

I'm not sure this is the
sort of professional look

that's going to impress Meghan.

What is this, Harry, I thought
you were a team player.

Sorry, I just got a bit
confused why I had to dress

as a s prost*tute.

Ah, let me explain. You see
that gentleman over there?

He's interested in buying Typhoon jets.

He's always been a big fan
of the British Royal Family,

and particularly you,

as well as the film Pretty Woman.

Ah, so he wants to take me out
shopping and give me a makeover?

Well, it's actually
much simpler than that.

What he wants is for you to go
over there and sit on his lap,

to start with.

No, no, no, I don't think I'm up for that.

This is important, Harry.

British jobs are at stake.

And, not that it matters, I'm in for %.

OK. I'll do it.

All right, mate.

I would be honoured if you would
accept these three tins of tuna.

And I want you to have this,
a humble packet of spaghetti.

What are you doing?

Well, it's Prince Charles Day, isn't
it? Like it is every Saturday.

Listen to me. All of you.

You shouldn't have to pay
homage to my dad like this.

He isn't fulfilling the basic
legal requirements of a landlord.

Terry, has he fixed your bog yet?

No, he just keeps going, "It is done."

That's just it, he needs
to send a bloke right.

This whole town is a vanity project.

Everywhere's called Prince Charles
Street or Prince Charles Avenue,

that's why you keep getting lost.

- Yeah, there's too many
architectural styles. - Exactly.

One minute you're in
the th century Siena,

the next, th century northern Germany.

You can't be expected to live like this!

And this statue here today is
about the eighth one he's put up.

Plus, I don't like having to speak
with this West Country accent.

Then rise up. Take back control.

The time has come...

to form your own Resident's Association.

♪ A Resident's Association
will be a liberation

♪ Where grievances are settled
by a form of arbitration

♪ So all the toilets function

♪ And we work on the assumption

♪ That if required, a plumber
arrives within four hours! ♪

I have seen pretty woman, but have
you seen Batman Versus Superman?

It's awesome. They've kept the
darkness of the Batman character,

but he's up against Superman.

Harry? What the hell's going on?

Poppa, what are you doing here?

I still track your iPhone.

Sentimental, I suppose.

Can this wait five minutes?

I see, you're exploiting Harry.

He's a grown man, he can
make his own mind up.

You know full well he can't.

I'm just trying to show the woman I love

that I can make it in the real world.

Exactly.

Now, run along.

I warned you.

- Wow.
- Come on, Harry.

Sorry, Randy Andy.

Sorry, Igor.

Agh.

Haven't been hit like that without
paying for it since the Navy.

Ah.

So, you see, Ricky, I've
made a life for myself now.

I'm a happily married woman
with two small children.

You and I, we're just so different.

I don't care. You're my wife.

If you wanted me to be your wife so
much, why did you sell me at a fair?

I wanted a drink.

And you've made absolutely no
effort to try to track me down.

That's not true, I looked online.

But, I couldn't find my
way around Ask Jeeves.

I'm one of the most
famous woman in the world.

You've got quite full of yourself
these last few years, ain't ya?

That's why you need a good
long stint living in a lay-by.

No, OK? enough.

People change, Ricky.

I've changed. I'm going to be the queen.

No, you're not.

You're going to be my misses

and come to vintage car rallies
with me in the Cortina. Look.

And if you don't agree,

I'm going straight to the Huffington Post

which I can get now cos
I started using AOL.

Where are you going?

Will! Will!

What? I can't hear you!

I need to speak to you about
the legality of our marriage.

I'm sorry, I'm in the middle
of a revolution, talk later.

'Perhaps I should have stopped.
I need to talk to someone.

'Is leading a revolt against my
father even the right thing to do?'

It is not.

Your father is going to be king.

- Charles I.
- That's right.

I've had a type of spaniel named after me.

Yeah, but on the other hand,
you provoked civil w*r.

I don't care. The point is,
kings are always right.

Even if they won't fix someone's bog?

Especially if they won't
fix someone's bog.

No, Charles I, people need bogs.

Well, thanks for the lift.

Are things still good with you and Meghan?

Actually, I had a phone call
from her earlier and we broke up.

What? Oh, Harry, come here.

Well, I say broke up. I
mean, the signal broke up.

Had to say "I love you" on the landline.

Right.

Mummy, it's finished!

And Charles Poldarking you
is going to be dynamite.

Thanks, girls.

But I've just been watching
an old episode of Oprah

and I think I might be suffering
from false memory syndrome.

So you're saying Charles
didn't Poldark you?

Sorry, girls.

What am I going to do?

If I don't hand a memoir in,
I'll have to give the money back.

Sorry, Mummy, did you say
false memory syndrome?

Yes, why?

And did you ever meet Michael Jackson,

who's now dead and can't sue?

No.

Oh, actually I did and he
Poldarked me on his fairground

while his monkey was watching.

Slow down.

Ker-ching!

Dear, Johnny, I'm leaving you.

I don't love you and never have.

I only agreed to marry
you as you had £ billion,

and now that you've lost it
all, I see things more clearly.

Soz, Pips.

Johnny!

Pippa! Great news, I just
got all my money back.

What? How?

Some mates rallied round and
I lead a hostile takeover

of the pizza delivery company.

So you'll get all your money back?

Yes, and more once I
strip the pension fund.

Fancy coming out to the club to celebrate?

Um, just got to get something.

Such a shame your house burnt down.

Oh, don't worry. I'll have it rebuilt.

Didn't like the wallpaper, anyway.

They're tearing down my statue
and hitting it with slippers!

- Dad!
- What do you want?

I'm with the townspeople
to demand the establishment

of a Residents Association to
take over the running of Poundbury!

And I demand your removal as leader!

But Poundbury's my dream!

It's the only thing I've ever achieved.

It's no use turning on
the waterworks, Father,

the people have spoken.

Well, hold on. I mean,
maybe he could stay on

as a sort of nominal leader.

No, you need a clean break
to decide things for yourself.

- But he does bring in a
lot of tourists. - Yeah.

And He's someone to look up to,
you know, cos he's better than us.

- He's not better than you.
- And he's a stabilising influence.

Yeah, and sometimes we don't
know what we want and we lash out

cos the world's changing
and we're frightened.

Yes, I'd be so sort of
ceremonial head of Poundbury.

Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.

In that scenario, I suppose all
the statues would go back up.

- Oh, yeah. - Even a ceremonial head
will require some sort of income.

You're one of the richest
men in the country.

- Thmmm. - Oh, yeah,
you'll have to be paid.

Then I accept.

Camilla. This is unexpected.

I just thought I'd set your
mind at rest about Gypsy Ricky.

- Yes?
- I sorted out the problem.

You're free.

Well, that's wonderful, but how?

- Wills.
- Kate.

- Camilla.
- Wills.

- Kate.
- How was the revolution?

Well, they're going to keep Dad
on as a sort of ceremonial head

and use a maintenance
company to fix the bogs.

I was just about to say to Camilla

how I think we've misunderstood
each other all these years.

Yes.

Perhaps we have.

I think I've got the gist, you
social-climber sixth former.

'And more on that story about the
original Magna Carta document

'being found this morning in Runnymede.

'Experts have just authenticated it
and it suggests the United Kingdom

'should not be ruled
by the prime minister,

'but by the Royal Family.'