01x11 - The New Girl

[bunniefuu]

*THE MICK*
Season 01 Episode 11
"The New Girl"

Is your aunt always this late?

She said she's on Irish time.

Hey.

Sorry I'm late. Hey, buddy.

- Hi.
- Stuck

in, uh, traffic for over an hour. Ew.

Well, we have been waiting
for almost two hours.

Well, I'm in the middle
of a very busy afternoon.

What can I do for you?

Ben is no longer
allowed to ride the bus.

He's been urinating on it.

That true, buddy? You peeing on the bus?

No. I peed in Ryan Leggio's backpack.

Well, that's still not a bathroom.

And then on his shoes

when he called me a "pee freak."

Okay, I can see how
that might be a problem.

But look, in the kid's
defense, it's a brutal commute.

I had to stop at a gas
station on the way here,

or I would have peed myself.

Uh, look, it's not just the bus.

Ben has been doing poorly
in his classes, as well.

Einstein flunked math.

He's also having trouble making friends.

- You think Bill Gates had friends?
- And

he refuses to wear his uniform properly.

Oh. Huh. You know who else
refused to wear a uniform?

Muhammad Ali, The Champ.

Did The Champ wear high heels?

Look, give him a break. The
kid probably misses his mom.

They're Sabrina's.

Look, if Ben can't

change his behavior, I think
that we're going to have to...

You're going to have to what? Boot him?

Oh, no, buddy.

Too late. We reject you.

Yeah. That kid's special, okay?

Not special like he...

He-He's just a special kid.

And if you can't see
that, you can burn in hell.

Okay. Well, I wish you luck.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no. I wish you luck,

because your school is a
mess. Have you met the other

two Pemberton kids you've educated?

- Yes, I know Chip and Sabrina.
- Yeah.

Well, this place has
just about ruined them.

You're running a crap factory here, pal.

Just churning out crap. Ugh!

Look at this kid. Are you kidding me?

That kid sucks.

Sucks, sucks.

This is a great school

to come to if you want your kid to suck.

Oh, look, here comes
another guy. You suck!

Well, it's the middle of the
school year. I think you're gonna

find it very difficult
to find any school

- that's willing to...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not the only game
in town, buddy, okay?

This school's a joke,
and not a good one.

Then I think we're done here.

No. think we're done here.

Should I go with her?

Regrettably.

Seven schools?

Who gets rejected by seven schools?

Maybe you should have
thought about that before

you took him out of the best
prep school in the country.

Yeah, well, maybe I
didn't think it through,

'cause I was too focused
on how much Lockwood sucks.

And by the way, your
principal's a real tool.

- Nice influence.
- I mean,

what is the problem? The
kid's got an odd fashion sense.

What's wrong with my fashion senses?

Oh, hey, buddy.

Uh... nothing.

Not a thing. I think
you look very handsome.

Uh, you want to go
play in the other room?

So you can keep talking about me? Okay.

So I can keep talking about you.

That is a smart kid.

I do not understand why
he can't get into a school.

Oh, come on. Don't be naive.

We all know the real reason.

Here we go.

Frederico Diaz, 3.0,

crapped the bed on the
SATs, gets into Brown.

Meanwhile, Dustin
Wakefield... straight A's,

school treasurer... gets into Wesleyan.

Disgraceful.

What are you talking about? It's never

been harder to be a white
male than it is right now.

I'm gonna have to work twice
as hard to achieve half as much.

Preach, brother.

- I haven't had a win in 37 years.
- Oh, come on.

Try being a woman.

At least I understand the
plight of diverse people.

What?! You two are about as diverse

as a Jimmy Buffet concert.

I would call you r*cist,

but you only hang out with white people.

So I guess that makes you separatists.

- You don't know who I hang out with.
- Okay.

Name one non-white friend.

Alba.

Alba. Super not white.

Oh, don't drag me into this.

Alba is not your friend.

You do not yell at your friend

for putting dressing on your salad.

You know nothing about her.

I know plenty about her.

What's her last name?

- Gonzalez?
- Perez.

- Maldanado.
- That's a tough start, guys.

You have lived with Alba

your entire lives, and you
don't know her full name?

Alba is a rich

fountain of culture.

Guzzle from her.

- You know what, Alba?
- Hmm?

Tomorrow, me and you...
we're going out. On me.

And I want to know every
single thing about you,

because you are my new friend.

That sounds good. Okay.

Count me in. I frickin' love diversity.

Yeah, uh, okay, I got to
get Ben into a good school.

I cannot have him turning out like you.

Look, there's only two schools that are

accepting students right now...

the all-girls school across the street

and the public school, but
it's, like, 40 minutes away.

Well, enjoy the drive.

I know the first day at
a new school can be tough,

but you just remember to be yourself,

and you'll be just fine.

I'm a transformer!

Yeah. Sure.

Transformer. Close enough.

So, am I a girl now?

No, only when you're at school.

Or whenever else you want to be.

Cool. Do I have a vag*na?

No, you don't. Any other questions?

What is a vag*na?

Oh, that's like, right
up the... in between...

You got...

Can I get back to you on that one?

- Okay.
- Thanks, buddy.

You look really good in
that dress, by the way.

Thanks. It's breezy on my vag*na.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe don't
mention that, though.

Now, listen, there are three things

you've got to remember today, okay?

Number one: go wherever the girls go,

do whatever the girls do.

Number two... and this
one's critical... you...

What? Are we here already?
My God, that's close. Nice.

All right.

Sorry we're late. You know how fussy

- little girls are getting ready.
- Well, we are

thrilled to have our very
first transgender student.

Oh, say thank you, Ben.

- I thought you said my name was "Beth."
- Yes.

That's what I said. He still
gets confused sometimes.

Well, you mean "she"?

Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean.

You'll get it. Don't worry about it.

Hey, Ben... Th... why
don't you run outside

to the playground while we finish up,

- okay?
- Okay.

Should I do the thing now?

Yeah.

Oh!

- Want to play dolls?
- I'm not really into dolls.

Want to play super smash ball?

It's like dodge ball,
except we're all ninjas.

Okay.

So, Alba, tell us more about Guatemala.

Oh. Uh, okay.

Well, the national flower

is the White Nun Orchid,

- and the national bird...
- Oh, wait. Hold on.

I want to write this down so I
can throw it in Mickey's face.

Oh, okay.

Uh, the national bird is the quetzal.

And, uh, oh, the
population is 12.7 million.

Wow.

Alba, this is delicious.
Is this eggplant?

No, it's beef.

Alba, you know I don't eat red meat.

Why would you order this?

That is strange.

It must be regional.

You know, where I'm
from, it's vegetarian.

No, pepian is always beef.

No, it's not. No. Take it
away. No. Get it out of here.

No. That's not good. Not
where I come from. No.

Alba? Why is your phone on
the Guatemala Wikipedia page?

Is it?

Alba. What's going on?

Well, okay, I'm from Guatemala,

but my culture is American.

What? I came here

as a little girl, so my culture

- is your culture.
- Are you kidding me?

I just blew eight years
of no red meat for nothing?

Why didn't you just tell us?

I don't know. Uh,

when I saw how much you guys wanted

to hang out with me, I got excited.

Now I feel terrible.
The whole point of this

was to get to know you better.

No, the whole point
of this was to hang out

with somebody diverse so
we could shut Mickey up.

Ignore him. Alba, is there anywhere

that you actually like going?

Well... there is this
one place I really love.

Okay, good, let's go there.

- But first let's send a selfie to Mickey.
- Oh.

- Oh, wait.
- Oh.

♪ ChipsAndGuac.

Getting Ben into a school
across the street was genius.

He is cranking through my
mascara like a street whore,

but it's worth it.

Hey, you mind if I go bare-ass?

I'd really rather you did not.

Hello.

Yep.

What, you mean right now?

Oh, gosh, I'd love to,

but I'm kind of right
in the middle of...

Okay.

Yeah, I get it. All
right, I'll be right there.

- Everything okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Just got to hike over to Ben's school.

- You want to come with me?
- No.

I'm gonna stay here and cook
off some of these tan lines.

♪ Ooh, my little
pretty one, pretty one ♪

♪ When you gonna give me some ♪

- ♪ Time, Sharona ♪
- Alba, I had no idea

you liked karaoke... that's
so cool and interesting.

Oh, I love it. As a little girl,
I dreamed of being Elton John.

All right, everyone
keep their eyes peeled

for an ethnic person.

You're the reason people hate us.

Jealousy is the reason people hate us.

Alba, what song are
you gonna sing later?

Oh, no, no.

I only sing in the shower or the car

or doing dishes, you know,

getting dressed or folding clothes,

but never in front of anyone...
I could never do that, no.

Okay, this is what I'm talking about.

- Hey, man, where are you from?
- Nigeria.

Jackpot.

♪ My, my ♪

♪ My-yi whoo! ♪

I'm a little Dutch girl

dressed in blue.

These are the things

that I can do.

What are you doing here?

Hi! I just came to see your principal.

I see you made some new friends.

Yeah. I really like this girl Jennifer.

Does that make me a lesbian?

You don't have to worry
about labels, buddy.

- Just like who you like.
- Good. 'Cause I also like

this kid named Brad from my old school.

Sweet. Keep your options open.

See you in a bit.

I can do the...

Hope this is some sort of an emergency.

I was in the middle of
an important meeting.

This is Gene, a parent here.

He has some concerns regarding Beth.

You kept me waiting, so
I'm gonna get right to it.

My wife and I aren't
comfortable with our daughter

sharing a bathroom
with a boy in a dress.

I'm sorry, I don't know
anything about a boy in a dress.

I know about a darling little
girl in a dress... is that

- who you're talking about, Gene?
- Okay, look,

I'm not trying to pass any
judgments here, all right?

Anything anyone wants to
do or wear, I'm cool with.

Well, would you listen to that!

Gene here is cool with the rest
of the world having free will.

Thank you, Gene.

- I didn't mean it like that.
- No?

No. I'm just looking
after my daughter's safety.

I mean, come on, it's
common sense, all right?

That's why we have a boys'
room and a girls' room.

I got news for you, friend.

The world is a dangerous place.

Nobody's safe.

It does not take a little boy

in a dress to molest your daughter.

I use the girls' room.

I could easily molest
her any time I want.

Uh, please,

let's not make this personal.

I'm not done, Rita.

I won't do it, Gene, okay?

But maybe... not only
am I a sexual predator,

maybe I'm liar.

So maybe I will do it.

Whoa.

Okay.

Stop for just a moment.

I understand this is
a very emotional issue.

We thought we were ready for
this, but clearly we aren't.

- What?
- So I'm sorry.

Beth has to leave Barnsdale.

No.

No. This isn't over.

You tell your daughter
to watch her back.

Can you believe that bigot
chucked our little girl?

I got to find a way to get him back in.

Now a transgender person knows how
it feels to be white these days.

Ben is white. And he's not transgender.

He just likes wearing
little girl's clothing.

If anything, he's gender-fluid.

You know what? I'm proud
to be his big sister.

No, don't make this your
thing. This is Ben's thing.

- It seems like it's your thing.
- I'm just trying

to get your brother
into a school he likes.

And if I can fight injustice
and slam my foot up her ass

at the same time, then that's a win.

Oh, yeah, so suddenly
you're just this big friend

of the LGBTQ community?

Mm-hmm.

Wh-What?

Are you serious? Lesbian-Gay-

Bisexual-Transgender-Questioning.

Pretty sure the Q's for "q*eer."

No, "q*eer" is offensive.

Why? When I was growing up,

it was the kid with the ball.

And where's the "S" for "straight"?

You don't need to be represented.

So... they can exclude us,

but when we exclude
them, we're the bad guys?

When exactly do my
people get their justice?

For the last 5,000 years.

- Agree to disagree.
- You know, this reminds me

of Massachusetts v. Shepherd.

- Never heard of it.
- Well, it was

a case involving me.

I was at the aquarium and I got lost.

I end up in the wrong bathroom.

Next thing I know, I'm getting arrested

for looking like a predator,
which, incidentally,

is why they threw out the case.

They profiled the mustache.

- Hmm.
- Not a good move.

You should just sue Barnsdale.

No, I'm not suing anyone, okay?

Suing is how rich white
people solve their problems.

Yeah, but you don't have
to actually sue them.

You could just thr*aten to sue them.

I do love threatening.

Hey, Sabrina, I'm so happy
you wanted to come back here.

Yeah, well, these ribs are delicious.

And... I wanted to sing and show you

there was nothing to be afraid of.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm so nervous for you.

I want to throw up and run away.

All right, next up, Sabrina Pemberton.

Watch and learn.

Come on up.

So, how long have you been in America?

Since I was 12 years old.

Is your family out here?

My family is dead.

- Mm.
- My mother, she d*ed of malaria.

So I ran away from home.

Then I was taken and
made to be a soldier.

Huh.

They gave me a g*n and
forced me to execute

a farmer, but my g*n jammed.

Thank God you caught a break.

They made me hack him
with a machete instead.

It was my ninth birthday.

Wow. That...

that's just...

perfect.

Do you mind starting from the top?

Just... Record it for a friend.

This next song is for my maid, Alba.

She's been keeping it real
since I was in diapers.

- Yeah, Alba!
- Everybody show her some love! Come on!

You my girl, Alba.

You my girl.

I love you, boo. Let's do this.

Uh.

Uh.

Come on. Ha.

♪ Sicka than your average, poppa
twist cabbage off instinct... ♪

Easy access, huh?

Mark that down as the
school's first security issue.

- Yeah, check.
- All right, I'm gonna go

have a chat with that principal.

You stay here and film
anything that looks dangerous.

Safety hazards,
violations, dangerous birds.

Anything you think we could
use as a potential lawsuit.

Okay.

By the time I'm done,

Ben will be prom queen.

You got some nerve

using that word. r*cist!

How was that r*cist?

- Those are the words of the song.
- Have some respect!

Hey. Where you going? I
thought we were friends.

You don't even know my name.

Is Mark Twain r*cist?

Good-bye, Chip.

- Good-bye... you.
- I mean,

asking me to sanitize
Biggie's art, that's r*cist.

Yeah, if we didn't buy Biggie's albums,

then he wouldn't be kicking
it on a yacht right now.

Oh, stop.

Shut up, Chip. You're not helping.

♪ At last... ♪

♪ My love has come along ♪

Yeah, Alba!

♪ My lonely days are over ♪

♪♪

♪ And life is like a song... ♪

Damn, girl's got pipes.

- Wow.
- Go, Alba!

♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪

Ya!

Molested!

Just kidding.

I will not. But if I
did want to violate you,

there would be no one around to stop me.

- Get out!
- Eh, fair enough.

You finish up this little operation.

I'll meet you in the hallway.

Oh, my God.

Why are you here?

You no longer have a
child at this school.

It's annoying, right? And the thing is,

you could have me escorted
out, but you have no security.

And you know what else you don't have?

Security cameras. Ah!

Ooh! Dark, scary room.

You know what they call that in prison?

They call that a blind spot.

It's a real good place to catch a shiv.

Okay. Please stop kicking doors.

I am simply trying to point
out that my little Beth

is not the problem.

Let's take a walk.

I mean, take a look around this place.

This school is a hotbed for predators.

Whoa! Hold on, who's that guy?

Hey. Little girl.

Hi. Do you feel safe?

Please tell me you know
him and he's a parent

- and not some predator.
- Oh, yeah?

- I've never seen that man before.
- Pervert!

Predator!

Pedophile!

Not again.

What kind of operation
are you running here, lady?

You've just got Peeping Toms

milling about, making smut films?

- No.
- I've got half a mind to report you.

No, no, no. Wait, wait.

Mm-hmm.

There's my guy. Hey,

guess who's back in Barnsdale.

I'm thinking a five.

I'm not happy there.

What are you talking
about? We love Barnsdale.

Can I go back to my old school?

Really?

I'm sorry for whatever
I was doing wrong.

Oh, buddy.

Hey, you didn't do anything wrong.

I was the problem, not you.

Can I still wear skirts and stuff,

or will I get in trouble?

You do whatever you want.

Okay?

I'm sorry.

Oh, good.

You're here. Uh, please, have a seat.

I really would like to
talk to you about Ben.

I sit there.

You've got assigned seats in here?

Yeah, it's a principal's office.

Hmm. Where I'm from, the
guest gets the good seat.

- No, not here.
- Okay. It doesn't matter.

Listen, please give Ben another chance

- and take him back.
- I'm sorry, it's too late for that.

I know. I get it. I owe you an apology.

I certainly owe Ben an apology.

I most likely owe the entire
LGBTQ community an apology.

But I... Please, just
give us another chance.

I'm sorry, but you probably
shouldn't have pulled him out.

I know. I shouldn't have.
I make bad decisions.

I'm a terrible person
and a horrible influence.

I drink,

smoke, lie, steal.

I'm drunk right now.

I had to take a cab to get here.

And then I had to run away
when it was time to pay,

'cause I didn't have any money.

And I stole this from your desk.

- Oh.
- I... Please.

I'm sorry, okay? I'm
awful. I can't help it.

Yes, you are. Now please leave,
or I'll have to call security.

Security! You've got
security. That's awesome.

That's exactly why Ben needs to go here.

It's a good school.
And he was happy here.

Just... Please, if you
don't take him back,

I might have to home school him.

And I will ruin him.

Please don't let me do that.

All right, fine, fine.
Ben can return to Lockwood.

You cannot.

- You got it. Thank you so much.
- Okay. All right.

One last thing,

please cut the kid some
slack on his outfits, okay?

He's gender fluid.

He's what?

He's gender fluid.

You're an educator.

Educate yourself.

All I'm saying is, I
never yelled a racial slur

- at a crowd of people.
- I didn't yell it.

I just sang it exactly
like it is in the song.

Well, my Nigerian friend
is pretty torn up over it.

Again, his name is Kingsley.

Look, here comes Mickey.
Let's just keep this

between us, okay? I
want to keep capitalizing

on this Guatemalan thing.

Part of my brand.

Absolutely. Plus, I want
to rub it in her face

- that we've been hanging out.
- Oh,

don't worry. I won't mention you
said that word a bunch of times.

Hey, Mickey. Did you know
that the national bird

of Guatemala is the Quetzal?

'Cause I do.

What's Alba's last name?

Hmm.

Really?

I'm sorry. I...

- Santiago?
- Sanchez? - No.

- Um, Smith?
- With an "R"? Ra-Ramirez.

- It's Ramirez!
- Rodriguez!

What the hell is that?

Oh. Barnsdale's doubling
the size of their wall

to keep out the creepies.

We done good, Mick.

I mean...

You good with this?

This is crazy.