03x01 - Episode One

[bunniefuu]

Today on Broken Britain...

Brexit hasn't made us any happier.

The country remains as divided
as ever,

so we ask,
have the people had a gut full?

Right, you slag!

Not in the moustache!

What a bloody mess...

But the government have
been in touch,

they want us to do what we do best,
cheer up Britain.

You up for it?

I'm a huge believer
in the power of yes,

so, yes.

But we are all going to have
to up our game,

so I'll be aiming to do one royal
duty every two days.

What?!
I know.

And only some of them will be
sporting events

I would've gone to anyway.
DOOR OPENS

Sorry I'm late.
No probs, bro.

Whoa!

Namaste.

You look different.
Well, actually, you know what,

I feel different.

I can't see any change.

Mind you, we just got back from six
weeks in a wellness centre.

Given up alcohol. Never felt better.

We're brainstorming a way
to cheer up the country.

Well, the public love it
when we have babies.

Maybe I could get you up
the duff again, Meghan.

It's a little soon.

Well, what if I pop a nodder on?

I could go on a speaking tour
telling people not to eat avocados!

This may be a super food,

but the way this food's produced
is anything but super.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

Do you think I want to speak
out against avocados?

Can you imagine what a bitter
blow it was for me personally

to find out that the food I love,

the food packed with omega oils,
proteins and vitamins,

is unsustainably produced?

Right...

Well, I for one think it's great
to be given a mission.

Sometimes my life can feel
a little bit pointless.

Hey.

You've already done your bit.

You've produced three wonderful
healthy children,

then, lost all the weight.

Mm...

Children!

I could colour co-ordinate them in
lavender and take them to Lego Land.

What British subject
wouldn't love that?

Brilliant.

Let's bring people together and
put a smile back on Britain's face.

Let's do this thing!

So, we're agreed,
we're all going on strike.

A % rise in the sovereign
grant is ridiculous.

Yes, it is a bit low,

and I built up rather a lot of debt
when my key cutting bar went bust.

With my track record,
I can hardly go to the banks.

PHONE VIBRATES

Yeah, this whole Epstein thing's
put quite a dent in my, erm,

other income streams.

Oh, yes, your nonce chum
who hanged himself.

Hey, I just used to go to
his parties, fly on his jet

and stay in his house.

I was never his friend.

I thought the government was
asking us to cheer up Britain.

That's why I've
got my party clothes on.

Which is why it's the perfect time,
when they need us most.

Oh, I've just seen,
the Chelsea Flower Show's coming up.

It can't go ahead if there isn't
a senior royal to open it.

Which is why we should strike now.

Are you with me?

ALL: Yes!

Everybody out.

MUSIC: Rule Britannia

Feels like I haven't seen
you for ages, Eugenie.

Sorry Bea.

Been so busy, honeymoon,

doing up the house, being married.

Wish I was married,

or at least engaged.

It'll happen. You're only .

I'm .
Oh.

Anyway, I've thought of a great
new idea for a business. Right.

You know how all the top celebs are
releasing their own drinks range?

Well, I've thought of one for us.

Gin voddy rum.

Gin vodka and rum,

all in one handy bottle.

Did you get this idea

because Jack's a tequila
ambassador for George Clooney?

No, I got it from watching
Mummy pour a drink.

So, what do you think?

Sorry, Bea, I'm in a different
place in my life right now.

I'm married,
and Jack's doing really well.

We've decided, as a couple,

that I should just put my feet up
for the next years.

Hello, Beatrice.
Hi, Jack.

I'm just off to work.

Have a good day, darling.
Tequila!

sh*t!

Look, Bea, you're not married,

you've got time on your hands.

Why don't you do it?

What, on my own?
Yes.

To be honest, all that "I want to do
something with my life" stuff

was way more your thing, anyway.

OK, well,

better be off, then...

You can do it, Bea!

Right...

Storage Hunters.

Hello.

Camilla, what are you doing here?

I thought you were in Mustique,

giving it the full
Princess Margaret.

They ran out of fags.

What the hell is this?

I've gone on strike.
All the siblings have.

The Prince of Wales earns just

times more than a doctor.

You fuckwit!

When I'm king,
which will be any day now,

I shall need a salary that
befits a king.

What you need is sectioning.

Oh, contraire Camilla.

This strike action is going to prove
that I shall be a strong king,

making my own decisions.

I see the Fab Four aren't on strike.

I didn't ask them.

Just makes them more popular
and you more irrelevant.

Camilla, you underestimate

the raw charisma of us
older princes.

Are you joking?

NEWS REPORT: Following the
ceremony, the Duchess of Sussex...

Scratch card buying scum love them.

I need to drive a wedge
between them...

..but how?

MEGHAN: And if you know someone
who's struggling, why don't you

give them a banana with
a validating slogan up the side?

What's the worst that could happen?

They'd get a free banana.

But now, I'd like to say a little
something about avocados...

It saddens me that this super food

is causing the indigenous tribes
of the Andes Mountain...

Hm.

DOORBELL

Hello?

Hello, my dear.

Camilla, you startled me.

May I?

I wanted to congratulate
you in person

on your recent addresses
on fruit and veg.

Bananas and avocados are something
I feel passionate about.

And it's only right that you
share your positive energy

and life lessons with others.

You really get me, don't you?

Oh, yes.

But does Kate?

I don't know.

Doesn't she?
Well...

..I shouldn't.

Please, share.

I hate to be a gossip,

but the other day when you were
making your speech,

I happened to notice Kate being
less than supportive...

Oh, my God!

She's mocking me.
Yes...

And it gets worse.

I have the actual banana
she was writing on.

"That nosy Yank
should shut her gob."

Oh, my God!

There's something on the back.

"f*cking slag."

That doesn't sound like Kate.

Well, she hasn't always been royal.

Please, what should I do, Camilla?

Go your own way,

separate your two houses.

Really? They've never
appreciated your unique voice.

In fact, why not move to
North America and use it more?

Speak out on literally anything
that comes in to your head.

Thank you, Camilla.

It's good to know in the royal
family I have at least one friend.

Yes...

You do.

What the...? Jack?

Oh, hello, Eugenie.

I just popped out of the office
for a spot of fresh air.

The office is miles away.

What's going on?

Oh, Eugenie, I've been sacked.

When?
Two months ago.

What?

I couldn't face telling you
so every day I've been putting on

my work stuff and coming
out here and feeding the ducks.

Is that why all the ducks are drunk?

When you run out of bread to feed
them and you've got nothing else...

Why didn't you tell me?

I was ashamed.

That smarmy faced fucker.

This is not George Clooney's fault.

Well, anyway, there's more to life
than tequila.

sh*t!

You should've said.

We're in this together.

Better for worse.

Richer for poorer.

Now, what else can you do?

Nothing.

I went straight in to the
hospitality industry from school.

It's all I know, Eugenie!

Poor Jack.

So, there's no money
coming in to the house at all.

I'll just have to...
Get a job?

I was going to say ask
Dad for grand.

Bad timing,
he's got a lot of legal bills.

I've got an idea.

You could come and work with me.
In fact, both of you could.

This is right in Jack's wheelhouse.

Really, you'd do that?

After I let you down?

Of course. We're sisters, aren't we?

♪ Brothers and sisters in the union

♪ Father, uncle and aunt

♪ Striving together for a rise

♪ In the sovereign grant...

This is very clever,

warmth comes out of it.

I might get one for my house.

Oh? How do you heat it
at the moment? I don't.

I say Charlie boy, this strike
doesn't really seem to be biting.

Is there any way we can put
a rocket under this thing?

Yes.

I think there is.

Dad, what did you want
to see me about?

I want you to join our strike.

You're on strike?

Meh, no-one's taken
much notice so far.

It seems if we're not actually there
to open a leisure centre,

after some initial confusion,

they just use the leisure centre.

I see.

I thought if you younger,
more popular royals...

When the government's asked us
to cheer up the nation?

But that's why it's
the perfect time.

With the country going
right down the shitter!

Not my words. Andrew Marr's.

My answer is no.

Does family loyalty mean
nothing to you?

The country needs healing.

Do you know what I saw yesterday?

A van driver shout
"w*nk*r" at a -year-old man

just because he was on a skateboard
reading a comic.

I see...

Well, if you have no loyalty to me,

what about your children?

You leave my children out of this.

But they're already in it.

Think what their lives will be
like in , years' time,

forced to live on as little
as £ million a year.

Well, that's not too bad.

Think of your little girl,
Charlotte,

no longer having exclusive
use of two royal chauffeurs

but having to share chauffeurs
in some kind of regal car pool.

HE RETCHES

All right...

I'll join your strike,

and may Lady Britannia
have mercy on my soul.

Well done.

Maybe you're not such
a fuckwit after all.

Oh, well thank you my dear.

Does that mean we could, er...?

I don't think we need
to tackle those stairs.

Yes... Urr...

Harry, Meghan, please pick up.

The Fab Four has to join the strike
for the sake of the children.

Call me when you get this.

Still not answering?
I wonder where they can be.

Hey, Siri, open Instagram, please.

I'm on Meghan's feed.

They're doing a live stream.

It is with a heavy heart
that I announce

the separation of the House of
Sussex from the House of Cambridge,

and our move to North America.

We are consciously uncoupling.

We feel that if we were to
stay in the UK,

it would simply be another
way of silencing us,

and if your lips are sealed,
your message cannot be heard.

REPORTER: Harry, how are you finding
life without alcohol?

Er, love it.

Hasn't been an ordeal at all,

and I'm certainly not seeing bats
and mice in my peripheral vision!

REPORTER: Meghan, have you got
a message for Wills and Kate?

Yes.

The Fab Four are over.

Ah! What was that?

Oh, my God.

This is a feud.

That was the government again,
they're begging us

to open the Chelsea Flower Show.

Without a senior royal it can't go ahead

and that could lead to civil
disorder.

There could be tanks on the streets
of Kensington and Chelsea.

Well, maybe we should.

Not just to heal Britain,

but for the corporate sponsors who
have paid a million pounds to turn

a small plot in Chelsea in to an old
shed with some flowers on the roof.

But I'd be going against my father.

Oh, agony Kate.
Oh, Wills.

And there's another thing,
Wimbledon's just weeks away,

what if the strike goes on?
Dad's sure the government will cr*ck.

What if they don't?

I've got so used to watching it from
the royal box. It'll be all right.

I can't watch it on the telly.
I just can't!

Get a grip of yourself, Kate!

Oh. I'm sorry.

You must do whatever
you feel is right.

I'm already feuding with my brother,
if I do what the government are asking,

I could cause a rift with my
father that might never be healed.

William Windsor, you should be
ashamed of yourself.

Wer-her, who goes there?

It is I, Victoria, Empress of India.

And Judy Dench's pension pot.

What should I do great, great,
great, great... Four, one.

..great, great, great, great
grandmother?

It is the responsibility of the
royal family to unify the nation.

And that is what you must do.

You must recommence
your royal duties.

But you didn't do a royal
duty for years.

I was in mourning.

What, for years?

Well, we didn't have any problems.

We had an empire.
We had half the world.

Doesn't look as if you're even
going to hang on to Scotland?

You're right. I need to unify
Britain.

By opening the Chelsea Flower Show.

What a fine young man.

Made of the same steel
as my Albert's cock ring.

Thanks for coming,

it's really helping with
the profile of the brand.

Shame you can't have any but
seriously, hats off for giving up.

Oh, yeah,
it's the best thing I've ever done.

And I just feel so alive.

D'you mind if I smell it? Oh, yah.

HE SNIFFS

Oh, f*ck.

It's very nice.

So, what's going on with Wills
and Kate? Are you really leaving?

If you must know, she wrote

something very hurtful
on the side of a banana.

You should call her.

We never go to bed on an argument.

Yeah, cos often they're just
misunderstandings.

Like the time that I thought that
Eugenie was pinching my very

expensive Chanel face powder,

but she explained that a fox must've

climbed through the
window and eaten it.

Are you sure you won't
change your mind? No.

If you saw that banana,
you'd understand.

So, just to be clear, everyone's
drinking as much as they like

and they don't have to pay for it?

Well, yeah, it's a launch party.

Why are you crying, Harry?

Something in my eye.

This is all going so well.

And look at Jack,
he's a changed man.

sh*t!

Two bells, sh*t!

sh*t.

I think we've got a hit on our hands.
This is it Bea.

We've finally cracked it.

♪ Commoners...

♪ And taxpayers jeer

♪ We want a lot more
dosh this year. ♪

With Wills and Kate onboard,

I can't see the government
holding out much longer.

Well, where are they?
They'll be here.

I need this to be over. I want to
get back to doing what I do best.

Making minor dignitaries I've never
met before feel uncomfortable.

My Bulgarian friends have
been quite insistent.

Well, victory's in sight,
we've got to stick together.

Now come on, sing.

♪ We are brothers and sisters

♪ We want what we are due. ♪

This doesn't feel right,
going against dad.

But look how happy they are.

♪ We won't take time in lieu. ♪

Oh, my God. There's Dad.

Wills? Is that Wills? Wills, you traitor.
Daddy, I am sorry.

Your names are scab. Scab.

Scab. Scab!

Auntie Anne just gobbed at us.

Eurgh.
Scab. Scab.

Bloody Wills.

Without Wills and Kate it's over.
We have to cave.

I want to get back to work.

What about the money?
It's not about the money.

It's about the buzz. Oh.

Father against son. It's like the
miners' strike in Billy Elliott.

Mer.
You know Billy Elliott?

The boy who dreamed of leaving
everything behind and becoming

a ballet dancer and his dreams came
true, I don't know why I'm crying.

Camilla.
What are you doing out here?

The government have
changed the locks.

They can't do that, it's my house.
Comes with the job.

How else would a twat like you have
a five storey mansion on the Mall?

Oh, no. I no longer have
a London pied de terre.

Only a vast estate
in Gloucestershire.

And half of Cornwall.
Oh, yeah.

This madness has got to
end, Charles.

My vodka's in there.

Betrayed by my son.

Let down by my siblings,
how can I hope to be king

when I can't even
rule my own family?

Charles. Vodka.

It's over.

I'll call the government,
accept their offer.

They've rung us,
the government have rung us. We've won.

We've won. Ha-ha!
What?

They've completely caved.
% across the board.

It's a life changer.

I'm gonna buy something called
a storage heater.

So they do respect me.

I am a strong charismatic leader

with the power to
change men's minds.

The government saw that and
realised they had to keep me sweet.

No, the minister said if he had
to fill in on another royal duty,

he'd throw himself off the roof.

Which is another way of saying,
this is a job only I can do.

Jeesh-he-he.

Yeah, we feel rough, too.

What? Last night?
Oh, lore.

Well, send him our best.

What is it?
Freddie Windsor's gone blind.

They say he might've ingested
something.

Last night he was just having so
much fun drinking gin, voddy rum.

Oh, Eugenie, you didn't put

anything in it that wasn't
gin vodka or rum, did you? No.

Well, just white spirit.
What?

Well, I thought it was supposed to
have all the white spirit.

Not actual white spirit.

Mummy only drinks that
when there's nothing else.

Oh.
Well, that's it.

We're gonna have to shut
the company down. Jack.

Ola! What are you wearing?
George has given me my old job back.

And he's promised to dial
back on the psycho bullying.

You don't mind, do you?
No. That's great.

So everything's back the way it was?
Except Freddie Windsor's gone blind.

He'll probably be all right.
Tequila? sh*t!

I'm so glad everything's
back to normal.

We declare this Chelsea Flower Show
open.

TV: CHEERING

Just seeing them makes me

forget that my car factory's
been shut down. Well done us.

Meghan. What are you doing here?

Meghan and I sincerely believe
everyone deserves... What was it?

You deserve a chance
to explain yourselves.

Explain ourselves?
We haven't done anything wrong.

I saw you and Wills mocking me.

And I saw what you wrote on that
banana.

But that's impossible.
We still have the banana.

Then show it to me. No, we can't.
I thought so.

You can't show me the banana
because you don't have it.

I'm leaving.
You'll never see me again.

But we do still have the banana.

Show it to her, Kate.
Just show her the banana.

This might explain why
we were giggling.

I'm not wearing any pants.

Whoa.
So you weren't belittling me

or demeaning my efforts to speak
out on the big issues? No.

I was just a bit bored.

We just find it ever so slightly
tedious when you speak.

Like a TED talk, only longer.

Great feedback.

Which I'll try to act upon.

Does that mean that we're all
mates again and we can stay?

Well, I think this
calls for a celebration.

Harry. Your detox.

Oh, well it's open now.

One little drink won't hurt.
Exactly.

Oh, bottoms up.

BURPING Oh, good stuff,
let's never fall out again.

I'm so glad we're staying in the UK.

No matter, there's one thing my
Swiss finishing school taught.

DEVICE BEEPS
Always have a plan B.

Kung Fu.

They're going to take us down to the
basement and cut off our heads.

Oh. Harry. Meghan.
SHE SHRIEKS

You monster.
But what about your mother?

Mmm.
Ow!

Hoi, hoi, saveloy. I've had enough,
I want us to relocate, to America.

Right now.

Becoming my wife.

We could go to that Pizza Express
where daddy took us.

If there's one thing I
know better than anything.

What happens now?

It's evil.

So what you're saying is
I can either have a big wedding

without Daddy or a small
wedding with him.

I think I've gone to the
toilet in my trousers.