03x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Scratchcard buying scum love them

Auntie Anne
just got spit on.

Mommy!

I cant't watch it on the telly!
I just can't!

You are not going to be
the next Queen.

My Kate is.

Always have a plan B.

Now then,
What's e-mail?

Good morning darling.
Isn't it a wonderful day?

What's up with you?

I just got this.

The Queen's medical report?

Your blood pressure's up
for the first time since the Suez crisis.

It's happening, Camilla.

It really is happening.

Well I wouldn't get your hopes up too high

Her mother lived to be
and she drank more than I do.

Well, let's hope that's the case.

But if the worst does happen,
I'm ready.

What the hell is that?

My manifesto.

A lifetimes ideas,
ready to roll.

Charles, I want you to take
this into the back garden ...

and I want you to burn it.

What?

These are the spidery scribblings
of an eccentric crank.

And agricultural homeopathy
is cranky is it?

Yes,as was tackling climate change
climate change...

by converting your car
to run on wine.

It works
nd it smells delicious.

How many normal people
could you afford to do that?

Everybody

And if I'msuch a crank,

Why does everyone whom
I tell him my ideas to, nod and say:

Hmm ... There might be something in it.

They're missing royalty!

If you were a normal bloke, they'd dismiss
you as the loony you are.

They would not do that.
And I intend to prove it to you.

We'll go on a voyage of discovery,

to find out what the British people
really think about my ideas.

Oh why not?

I could do with an alibi.

Excellent. Then i will adopt
my disguise as Ryan,

the humble bin man,

who scrapes by on an annual income
of under £ ,

I'm your king.
No.

Not in the wicker man.

Don't don't set it on fire.

Wills?

Wills?

Oh thank God!
I was having a nightmare.

Was it the same one?

Where people burn you alive ...

because you don't have your
Duke of Edinburgh gold award?

Yeah, it was.

What?

It doesn't matter.

I mean, a lot of people don't have their
Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award.

I've got mine, but it doesn't make me
feel smug or superior.

Of course it matters.

How can i look at my people
in the eye without one?

Wills, why don't you have
your D of E?

I was an idiot.

Back then I thought it was just a way
for middle class kids ...

to boost their their
university applications.

Oh no.

Without mine,
I wouldn't have learnt ...

how to make a
bacon sandwich outside.

Hang on, Uncle Edward
is in charge of it now.

What if I asked him for a gold award?

Wills!

No, I'd do the course!

But maybe shortened,

to take into account
my royal responsibilities,

like when I did my RAF training ...

in thirteen weeks instead
of four years.

Well how long would you give it?

A night?

I'll see if he's free ...

Oh, those flowers need replacing.

What time do you call this?

Ah, Eugenie.

It's : .

At this gallery we start
work at : .

Sharp.

Sorry.

Maybe I made a mistake taking you on
as an intern.

I'll do better!
I promise!

Oh no, it's the boss.
He must have heard you come in.

Hello, Your Highnesses.

Is everything alright?

Oh yeah.

Anyting you'd like me to do?
Workwise.

Eh no.

I think we're all right.

In fact, why don't you take
yourselves off to lunch?

See you at say ... four?

Great.

Oh it's a shame not
we're not nearer Woking.

We could go
to that Pizza Express ...

where daddy took us
on the th of March, .

We both remember
that day, very well.

...right.

Oh, and your business cards have arrived.

Thank you.

I try not to use the whole
"HRH" princess thing in the work sitch.

Oh, dear.

But we've had them
printed now, so ...

Of course.

And I wonder if you
wouldn't mind wearing this

...just round the gallery.

It's a little unusual.

It really suits you.

Alright then.

Rupert?

Just a tick.

Your don't think that Rupert
hired you just because you're royal?

You know to impress
to Americans and so on.

Of course not.

He said he wants me to
find new artists ...

because I've got a fantastic eye.

And that's why he gives me weeks
holiday a year,

so I can rest it.

Great, lunch.

Thanks for doing this at such
short notice, Uncle Edward.

I hope it hasn't put you
out too much.

Well, obviously had to
move a few things around.

It's not like the Duke of Edinburgh Awards
the only gig I've got.

Yeah, obviously.

Oh, the gold award!
I can almost taste it.

There is a £ admin charge.

Of course.

Cash if possible. Just makes
things easier.

Well I think you're going to get
a lot out of the next hours.

The Duke of Edinburgh Award
is character building.

Really set me up
for the marines,

that I left after twenty weeks ...

having been physically bullied by some
of the hardest men in Britain.

But then you went into the theater.

Where I was psychologically bullied...

by some of the
softest men in Britain.

It's like I've got a
target on my back.

So where are we going?

Well, we're already here.

We're still on the
Sandringham estate.

I thought we were going
to get in some real countryside.

Real countryside?

..., have an adventure.

It is going to challenge me
isn't it Uncle Edward?

That's what Duke of Edinburgh award
scheme's all about, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, right.

Let's get off mummy's estate then.

It fills me with wonder
and awe ...

that in this was held ...

the first ever suffragette
meeting took place.

And it was their strength,
passion and fortitude ...

that inspired me, a century later,
to guest edit Vogue.

I would like to echo
my sister-in-law's comments.

Although personally,

I'm not sure it was such a
good idea to give women the vote.

We women have got
enough on our plates ...

without having to go out
and vote every five years.

I think what Kate
is trying to say ...

is that even though
we have a choice,

choosing not to exercise our
power is, in itself,

an exercise in empowerment.

The pastry stall
is now open.

And they also have
white wine.

That's odd. I thought
you just filled it up.

I did.

With a good quality wine?

None of that
Tesco's finest muck.

Yes, Chateau Lafite.

Chateau Lafite?
That's a red wine.

It has too many tannins.
It only takes white.

Well, you should have written something
on the petrol cap.

I could have done that.

Or I could have married
Susan George.

She wouldn't have put the
wrong wine in my car.

That's it.

A bit further.

Ah, run out of petrol?

No, my wife put red wine in
the car and it runs on white.

White wine?

It's a drink.

In London.

Oh no, I know what white wine is.
We sell it in the shop.

A case of Pinot Grigio
for £ . .

Well I don't carry cash I'm afraid

I'm sure
you can see why.

No.

You see, I'm blind.

Well we are none other ...

Calm down Camilla!

He'll be able to judge my ideas
on their merits,

and not the fact they are uttered ...

by one of the greatest
men of the th century.

h*tler?

Look, why don't you
take the wine ...

and you can send me a check
when you get home?

That'd be lovely.

Off you go Debbie, me and him
is gonna have a chinwag.

Well actually, we've go
some time to k*ll.

Blind man,
Are you able to tell the time?

Yes of course.
It's five before noon.

And you'd be prepared to swear to that
in a court of law?

Hey?

Alright!

That's the tent up.

Hmm ... That didn't happen when
my valet put them up.

What was that

The sounds of the country.

We should never left
mommy's estate.

We are going to die!

We are not going to die.
Now what do I do next?

Well, you need a clear goal.

Generally it's make a bacon sandwich
outside or a sausage sandwich.

Oh shouldn't I do something
physically challenging?

Did somebody say
"physically challenging"?

Edward, it's just a farmer.

That's right. And this is my land.

And you're welcome to camp here.

Are you going to s*domize us?

Oh goodness me, no!

Now, what are you
boys up to?

Ah, doing a
Duke of Edinburgh.

Well I am.
Edward's supervising.

I just need a goal.

Oh goal, is it?
You see that field over there?

Yes.

How would you like to dig up
every turnip in it?

How much does it I pay?

£ .

An hour?

No, for the whole field.

Keep your money. We are doing
this for the Duke of Edinburgh.

Or I could have it.

Admin costs and so on.

Crikey, it's five o'clock.

Is it?

If we'd taken our
stuff to the restaurant,

we could have gone
straight home.

Eugenie, are you sure
Rupert didn't hire you ...

just because you're a princess?

I've already told you.
He hired me for my eye.

Sorry.

OMG.

I think that's a Banksy.

I don't know, Eugenie. We have
had six bottles of wine between us.

No, I can feel it. I've got that
blink reaction.

Don't they usually have a
bit more going on, rather than a

you know...with some
you know...coming out?

Oh, really? Did you do a
degree in art ...

and attend two of the lectures?

No, you're probably right.

I have to back my judgment.

And I believe that's
a genuine Banksy ...

that I could sell for
one million pounds.

What were all those brrrrm noises
you were making on the way home?

Oh I don't know. Must have been
something I ate.

And that's another thing.

I haven't actually seen you eat
anything for weeks.

I want to look good for Wills.

And what about what you want?

That is what I want.

I like to be subservient.

We are the weaker sex,
after all.

Well I'm not weak.

I took control of my own narrative
and built a career.

And, yes, I gave it up to marry
a handsome prince,

but, that was my choice, as
a modern, self-actualized woman.

I don't know what "self-actualized" means.

Scanning...

Oh no, That's not me.

I like to think of myself
as a baby machine.

What's happening to you?

You used to be a fiesty gypsy interested
in lucky heather ...

and copper
and tarmaccing drives.

That Kate's gone!

Must be all the static
from this Zara top.

- Do you like Zara?
- No.

- Will you stay for tea?
- No!

And not just because caffeine's a drug
and I like to stay in control.

Please don't leave.

Meghan is becoming suspicious.

Go near a WI-FI
to await instructions.

Oh my God!

Kate's a robot!

Oh, that was wonderful!

Digging up an entire field of turnips
really connected me ...

to the land of my forefathers, you know.

- Thank you.
-My pleasure.

I expect you're looking forward
to a good night's sleep.

Yeah ... we'd better go back
to our tent.

Oh this is much handier
for tomorrow's field.

Ah, but I'm only doing one day
in a Duke of Edinburgh course.

Oh, but surely the
gold award ...

requires a minimum of
two turnip fields.

We wouldn't want to devalue
the award now, would we?

No. No, good point.

Edward?

Right. See you at
three in the morning then.

He's locked us in

What?

Oh I knew it! This is like
working for Tim Rice ...

and Andrew Lloyd Webber
all over again!

Are they doing the D of E too?

Who are you?

He got us five months ago.

We were just trying to joosh up
our UKCAT form.

I don't think we'll ever get into
Exeter Uni now.

Oh my God ... he's turned us
in a g*ng of white slaves.

Wills, I think I've
gone to the toilet in my trousers.

Don't worry.
I'll get us out of here.

I used to be a pilot with the
East Anglia Air Ambulance!

Everyone go back!

Meghan! Meghan!

Meghan!

Stay away from me,
you robot!

What are you talking about?
I'm not a robot.

I've been locked up for a month,
And when I find out who did it ...

I'm going to slice them up
like a loaf of Mother's Pride.

Kate?

Would someone like to help me color
coordinate the childrens wardrobe?

Oh my God...
Which one of you is the real Kate?

Are you having a laugh?

The real Kate always wants
the kids to match.

Well, obviously like the
photographs to pop.

I think a lilac headband
for Charlotte,

and lilac socks
for George and Louis.

I don't talk like that.

Do I?

How am I going to choose?

A car that runs
on wine, eh?

Yes.

I made one of my boffins
convert it for me.

Cor blimey.

A bin man
with boffins?

The point is to keep an open mind
about alternative energy sources.

In my country estate...

Hang on. You got a
country estate?

Yes, I've installed a
geothermal heating system, do you get me?

And all for a mere £ , .

So, what do you think luv-a-duck?

You know, Ryan, if you hadn't
told me you were a bin-man,

I'd swear you were some
kind of eccentric aristocrat ...

with more money
than sense.

Camilla was right.

The average man
does think I'm a crank.

Oh no.

Bad news, Ryan?

The worst possible.

It's mummy.

Her blood pressure's
returned to normal.

Does Rupert think
it's a Banksy too?

Rupert trusts my judgment.

And I've just sold it to that man.

He's buying it
for his wife.

Are you sure about this?

Beatrice!

My sister will put
it through the till for you.

Hello?

Hi. This is Banksy.

Well if you really are Banksy
you will know the secret code word.

Apple cider.

Banksy!

It's so great to finally
speak to you!

Ah, I have good news.

I've just sold your
hairy cock and balls.

Oh yeah? The trouble is
I didn't paint it.

I think some kid just
did a cock and balls on a wall.

Oh God!

Right, that's all gone
through for you.

I hope your hairy cock
gives your wife years of pleasure.

I have to admit,
you were right.

What?

Wow, the way
you kicked those door open!

I'm so sorry, Wills.

You know what it's like
when new shoes start pinching.

That's all right, Uncle Edward.

According to my Fitbit,
it's only been four miles.

Oh look!
We're here!

Put me down

I want to walk into camp
under my own steam.

No, it's no use.

That's it.

What an adventure ...

kidnapped by a sl*ve g*ng?

Except that it doesn't easily
fit into the D of E categories though.

But I still
get the gold award?

No.

Well, you never did make
that bacon sandwich.

Well I can't
bend the rules.

This is my only gig.

Well I must get something.

Don't worry.

This is your Duke of Edinburgh
"Certificate of Participation" ...

Wow, amazing!

Question :
What's your favorite TV show?

Midsomer Murders.

And yours?

Breaking Bad.

Really?

Alright:
Midsomer Murders.

God, this is impossible!

Or is it ...?

What did you do tha for?

Sorry ... but you're
the real Kate!

att*ck mode activated.

k*ll. Crush.

Destroy.

Take that, you robot fucker!

Thanks, Kate.

You know it took you nearly
an hour to work out I'm not a robot?

My whole life has been an
utter waste of time.

Hold on, I know that voice.

May I feel your face?

I know you.

You're Prince Charles,
our future King.

But how can I be king
when i'm a tedious crank?

What's going on?

Douglas here thinks I'm tedious.

Who cares what Douglas thinks?
He's one of the sheep.

He'll hear you.

- He's deaf!
- He's blind.

Who cares?

I don't seem to be able to
connect with people.

You're not supposed to.

Do you think we have a Royal Family
because people like them?

We have a Royal Family ...

because it's too much hassle to
replace it with anything else.

But if I become King,

I want to be respected for
my personal qualities.

Well you have qualities.
You're tenacious

you didn't let having only two
A-levels stop you ...

from getting in to Cambridge,
Did you?

I suppose.

And you're bilingual in
Pidgin English.

Mi bilong Missus Queen
number one son.

Fly big bird den
butter mi bread.

You see? There's nothing
you can't do.

Mi glee.

My should he be mister king big fella?

Sorry I think in it
as well as speak it.

I should be King.

That's more like it.

We have to get back
to London. Now!

I'll fill up the motor.

Thank you, Douglas. For everything.

I will make sure you're reimbursed
as soon as we get home.

Or would you rather have an MBE?

I think I'd rather
have the cash.

I only wish you could have seen
how handsome I am.

That's alright.
I had a feel.

Is everything alright, ladies?

No.

I just sold a fake Banksy
for one million pounds.

What?

I'm so sorry, Rupert.

What are we going to do?

Well I suggest we follow standardized
independent art-dealer protocols ...

and, err, not tell anyone.

What? And just
keep the money?

But I don't think that
would be right.

Oh, In that case

I will contact him personally
offer him a full refund.

Thank you!

Do you want his contact details?

I think we'll probably be alright.

OMG...

Beatrice was right. You're not
interested in my judgment ...

or my eye.

You only hired me
because I am a princess.

That's why you wanted
me to wear this tiara!

You're just talking crazy.

In the window.

Oh I see.

I quit.

Eugenie!

Beatrice, would you like to be the
director of an art gallery?

But I no artistic judgment
whatsoever.

Can you start Monday?

Connect the neuroprocessor
to the voice hub.

I don't know how long it will hold but
try it now.

I dddddeclare this
day center open.

What was your mission?

To replace the Fab Four
and make them appear less charismatic.

Why was I chosen
as the first robot?

Because you are the most
conformist and robotic.

Oh really? Would a conformist
love Gary Barlow?

Who was the monster
who created you?

Creator is ...

Mistress!

What was that thing?
Are you alright?

It was an evil robot
version of Kate!

And it was about to tell us
who was behind all this!

Oh I'm so sorry ...

If only I'd come
twenty seconds later ...

you would know who
to have arrested.

Why did it call you "mistress"?

It must be by my natural authority.

Well, good to catch up.

Kate?

I got my Duke of Edinburgh Award,
Certificate of Participation.

Well done.

What's that?

Someone replaced me
with a robot ...

programmed for
be bland and subservient.

Well, whoever programmed that
obviously never met you.

I know, right?

- Can I make you a cup of tea?
- Oh yeah.

Oh, I have to ask you:

Did ... did you do it with the robot?

Well, I asked.
Several times. But you,

I mean, it, said:
"Does not compute"

And that didn't make you suspicious?

No.

Well, obviously it does now, yes.

What about that cup of tea?

Yes.

I've just been to see mummy.

AND?

Peak of physical fitness.

Then why
are you so cheerful?

As part of the transition
to becoming King,

she has offered me the pick
of any of her jobs.

Well that is something.

What'd you go for?

Keeper of the
Royal Art Collection?

That's worth billions.

Even better.

You are looking at the new
Defender of the Faith.

What?

I'm superior to the
Archbishop of Canterbury.

Have you met him?
We all are.

I am the leader of the
Highgrove Village branch ...

of the Church of Satan.

I'm going to have to exorcise him.

What happens now?