03x04 - Episode Four

[bunniefuu]

Take that, you robot fucker!

I wish I was married.
Or at least engaged.

- I've just been to see Mummy.
- Oh?

You're looking at the new
Defender of the Faith.

Me, Mrs Queenie number one son,

done talk big ting with boss man
in fluffy cloud.

Charles, where are the large
vodka glasses?

What the f*ck's going on here?

If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.

I've gathered together some
of our foremost religious leaders.

Well, now I'm defender
of all faiths,

I'm creating a society where every
religion is treated equally.

But with me as the head.

Why can't you just
leave things alone?

It's not like you've got
a great track record

When it comes to religion. Remember
when you supported that paedo?

If you're referring to the
Bishop of Lewis and Gloucester

I suggest you use his proper title.
- Sorry.

Paedophile.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, there.

Ian Drabble, I heard you're widening
your remit vis-a-vis

your new role as defender
of all faiths. - Yes.

Well, I'm the Leader
of the High grove Village branch

of the Church of Satan.

And we were wondering,
if you'd do us the honour

of officiating at this
evening's black mass.

There'll be informal drinks
and light bites afterwards.

It sounds like a very
interesting proposition.

Charles, you can't be serious.

Well, they're a recognised church.

Great British scum already think
you're a crank who spends your day

talking to his daffodils.

If they find out you've
officiated at a black mass,

your chance of becoming king
will be precisely zero.

Nonsense, they'll think
I'm a man of principle.

Besides, I hear at these things
they often have nuddy ladies.

I accept your offer.

So shall we say six for . ?

Morning, your Highness.

Hey, Barry.

Kate, this renovation's
getting out of hand.

£ . million.

And do we really need to move
the tennis court feet?

Perhaps you'd like me
to look out the window

and see a tennis court
in my peripheral vision.

No. But it's just...
- And the children -

what about their peripheral vision?

Of course, I don't want you or
the children to see a tennis court

in your peripheral vision.
It's just so expensive.

But it's our own money.

Yah, and no.

Dad gave it to us and he doesn't pay
any corporation tax.

Well, he must pay it on the Duchy of
Cornwall, it's a massive business.

Well, you'd think so
but, erm, he doesn't.

I see.

So it's really the public's money
we're spending.

That man who shouted at me
the other day was right,

We are just a bunch
of money-sucking leeches.

Not at all.

We just need a firmer hand on the
finances which is why I'm going

to supervise the building work
whilst you're in London.

But you're not used
to dealing with builders.

They're so sharp and cunning.

They'll have you for breakfast.

You're just not that sort of man.

Well, there are plenty of other
people who do think I'm a man.

What do you mean by that?

Best be off, Kate.

Do you know where the isolation
switch for the wine fridge is?

- Er...
- It's all right, got it.

Can't wait to get onto the slopes.
A whole month away from everything.

Hello, girls.

BOTH: Mummy!

Oh, no luggage?

The airline lost it.

Ohh, well how does an airline
lose suitcases?

Thirty two, they lost my luggage as well.

Mummy,
why are you dressed like that?

Oh, girls,
I've turned the place in to a B&B.

But Daddy bought the chalet
for £ million

so you could live in it.

I know but Daddy's been struggling
since the unpleasantness started.

Well, I suppose Daddy
can't ski anyway.

Not since he lost
he ability to sweat.

Mm.

Well, thanks for coming
to be chalet girls.

BOTH: Chalet girls?

Oh, you did get my e-mail,
didn't you?

Of course we got your e-mail, Mummy.

We'd be delighted to be
chalet girls.

KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, girls, it's my next guests.

It's our arch-rivals.

Scandi princesses Svetlana of Sweden
and Nora of Norway.

Hello, girls.

Is there someone to carry our bags?

Oh, erm, yeah, my chalet girls
can take care of that.

Beatrice and Eugenie, chalet girls.

So you finally found a career
commensurate with your talents.

Now there should be one more guest,
Count Eduardo Mapelli Mozzi.

The most eligible bachelor
in Europe.

Sorry I'm late.

My private jet sucked
a goose into its engine.

Gosh!

Um, you're right, Barry,
this is a banging sausage sandwich.

Oh, this is Beverley. He's going to
be helping me out for a few days.

Beverley? That's a bit of a girl's
name, isn't it?

Actually we're trying to eliminate
that sort of bullying

masquerading as banter
from building sites.

I'm so sorry. And, Beverley,
please accept my apology.

Oh, actually, while I've got you,

we're going to need to put an RSJ
in where we've taken that wall down.

- Right. - The thing is, given
the location of the RSJ,

it is going to need to be platinum.

Now hang on, Barry.

I wasn't born yesterday.

Why's it got to be platinum?

Well, it's a
non-corrosive metal, innit?

And this is a kitchen.

So there's going to be a lot of
steam.

- You got your kettle,
you got your pans. - Oh, I see.

Won't that be rather expensive?

Er, well, yeah, I mean platinum's
quid a gram at the moment,

and this RSJ is about a tonne,
so you're looking at, what...?

million quid.

Er...

There's not a cheaper non-corrosive
metal you could use? Like bronze?

Unfortunately not,
it has to be platinum.

I mean, I'll try and get you
a trade discount,

but the Antwerp market
being what it is...

No, no, I see.
I'm sure you're right.

I'll transfer the funds right away.

Yeah, I prefer cash.

Louis and Arthur
play so well together.

- Who?
- Our children.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, thanks for baby-sitting.

I don't see why I have to schlep
all the way over here.

I thought it might be nice
for Arthur, your son,

to spend time in the palace.

- You always have to get it in,
don't you? - What?

You know I'm married to
a billionaire? Not a millionaire.

A billionaire. Little bit vulgar
to talk about money.

Well, that's cos you don't have to.

Cos you've been given every single thing.

My life isn't half as easy
as you seem to think.

Oh, what's this?

It's just Wills has been
so short with me recently.

Like he's just not that
interested in me.

I've heard of the seven-year itch,
how long have you been married now?

Nine years. Ooh.
And he is a Windsor.

If they don't get their oats, they
do tend to look into the next field.

And shag the horse.

I don't know what you're suggesting.

Well, they've all done it.

Charles, Prince Philip,
oh, Andrew, well...

Pippa you're quite wrong.

I think you'd be better off taking
care of your own affairs.

Oh, don't worry.

My affairs are about to be
thoroughly taken care of.

And thanks to Prince Harry
for opening the Duke of Edinburgh

Severe Personality Disorder Unit.

Oh, excuse me, do you know where
the khazi is? Thank you.

Oh, my God, we're...
we're like two peas in a pod.

Look. Oh, yah.

God, that is amazing.

Well, hang on you're,
you're Prince Harry, aren't you?

And so are you.

I just work here, unfortunately.

So, got a few probs then, eh?

I'm just sick of my life.

Yeah, well, my missus says
the one person you can never get

away from is yourself.
And she's from California.

Hey, are... Are you suggesting that
e pretend to be each other

for the next hours?
- No, I wasn't.

- But we could. What are you doing later?
- After this? Nothing.

just watching The Expendables
in my cinema room.

Oh, God, I'd love to watch
The Expendables in your cinema room.

Can we swap?

Well, Meghan is away on a
super food tasting weekend.

- Oh, thanks.
- Whoa!

Hang on a sec. What are you
meant to be doing after this?

- Oh, God, work drinks down the pub.
- Right, get your jacket off.

He should be here any minute now.

Harry!

Are you Pippa Middleton?

Course I am, silly.

I am free for lunch.
How about I treat you?

Why not?

There you are. Come on, sir,
everyone's waiting for you.

Oh, all right then.

Ah, your Highness,
this is my good lady wife, Belinda.

- She'll be in charge of the orgy after.
- Eurgh.

- Will you be staying?
- Well, erm...

- Don't be stupid.

He's confused enough with one woman.

- If it's part of the religion...
- Charles!

Well, in that case,
here are your ceremonial robes.

Now, you can get changed
in the camper van.

- You are going to the discotheque tonight?
- Of course.

Anyone who is anyone will be there.

You can share our Uber if you like.

Edo is so dishy.

I wish we could go to the
discotheque.

It's the social event of the season.

But we have to be up at four to do
the full English breakfasts,

plus we haven't got
anything to wear,

those twats at the airline
still haven't found our luggage.

I can do the full English
breakfasts, girls.

And as for something to wear,

well, I've got a whole wardrobe
of me old party gear.

Oh, Mummy, you mean
we CAN go to the discotheque?

Wait there.

Word up.

Er, great.

Yah, fab.

Well, off you go, girls, have fun.

Erm, but remember,
be back by midnight.

This is insane.

We live in a multi-faith culture.
I'm simply moving with the times.

We're ready for you now.

Oh, mighty lord of misrule,

prince of chaos,

father of darkness,

I command your presence,

oh, rider on the beast,

step forth and show yourself.

He's only gone and done it.

- What happens now?
- I don't know.

It's never happened before.

Er, ask him what he wants.

What is your desire,
oh, lord of death?

A state dinner.

I told you not to meddle!

But you never listen.

Let's not go over old ground.

- What shall I say?
- Give him a state dinner.

Well, I can't, he's the embodiment
and source of all evil.

You gave Tr*mp one.

- Oh. - Forget the state dinner,
I've got a better idea.

I have him now!

Tie him down.

Sorry, your horned god,
hope that's not too tight.

IN DEMONIC VOICE: Bow down
before the Dark Lord.

What is your bidding?

Oh, get up. I'm going
to have to exorcise him.

What, now? He's only just arrived.

He's hosting a garden party
for the Women's Institute tomorrow.

The foul stinking whores.

And I don't think that's going
to go down very well, do you?

But an exorcism?
You're not qualified.

If there's one thing I know
better than anything, Ian...

...it's evil.

- We look ridiculous.

- Edo won't even look
at me dressed like this.

He might.

Come on, we're here now.

Oh, my God, Eugenie,
it's an ' s disco.

Wow.

You are the most
beautiful girl here.

May I have the pleasure
of this dance?

All right. Will you be OK?

Oh, yes.

Who is that?

APPLAUSE

argh, burns! Your mother
sucks cocks in hell!

Is that really the best you can do?

Do you have any idea
who you're dealing with,

you BLEEP-ing BLEEP-sh
f-BLEEP-king brains tw-BLEEP-t?

I'm going to shove your c-BLEEP-k
and b-BLEEP-ox so far up your arse

you'll be spraying s-BLEEP-nk and
BLEEP out of your c-BLEEP-ing gob.

That just shows
a lack of vocabulary.

Rarghg

Now f*ck off out of him!

- Bit rude. - With this power,
I will rule the world!

What?

For he shall be king
of the world's greatest power,

The British Empire.

When were you last conjured up?

Eighteen Twenty-Two.

And you haven't read
a newspaper since then?

Why do You ask?

Well, the only power he's got

is selling overpriced jams
in his Highgrove shop.

Is this true?

CHARLES: Not exactly,
I do have an advisory role.

DEMON: You have no power?!

CHARLES: But I suppose
I do f*ck all, really.

Now for the last time,

sling your hook!

Argh!

Argh!

How's the Black Mass?

A mixed bag.

Better make a move.

Don't want to catch the traffic.

This has been the most
wonderful night of my life.

For me too.

Oh. Oh, God, it's am.

I have to go.

Wait. Wait.

I don't even know your name!

Mr Rutherford. Mr Rutherford.

- Yeah, just five more minutes, Nanny.
- Wake up.

What is it?!

Oh, my God. Where am I?

There's an emergency, they
need you in theatre right now.

- Theatre?
- Yeah, we've got to get you scrubbed up.

Yeah, but I'm Prince Harry.

You're Professor Julian Rutherford,

this country's leading brain surgeon.
- Oh, sh*t it.

- It's an extended bifrontalcranioctomy.
- What?

I know, the surgery's only been
performed once before,

but luckily it was by you.

Double sh*t it.

Yep, that's million all right.

So, the platinum RSJ
went in all right?

Oh, yeah, it was a beauty.

And tomorrow we'll have
a look at that pointing.

Ooh, I tell you
what's more durable than mortar -

ground up diamonds.

Great.
CAR HORN BEEPS

Ooh, that's Beverley. I don't
suppose you could help him

hump a couple of bags
of cement through?

Only my back's a bit...urgh.

Oh, yah. Yah.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello, Your Highness.

Good morning, Barry,
is William there?

No, no, he's in the back of
the van unloading with Beverley.

Beverley? Can you bring him
to the phone at once please?

Sorry, Your Highness,
they're humping away out there.

I'll get him to call you back.

Just phone up the Queen,
she'll vouch for me.

Will you listen?
I'm not a brain surgeon.

You are this man's only hope.

All right.

Who are you?

I am Francis Willis,

the physician who cured George III
of his madness.

Fret not, Harry...

...I will be your hands.

Thanks, Francis Willis.

Let us begin.

Just keep going!

MONITOR BEEPS CONTINUALLY

We've lost him.

Blimey.

That was more complicated
than I was expecting.

Now will you believe me?

- Wills. - Kate. I thought you
weren't coming back till tomorrow.

What's going on?

I was trying on a tool belt
and my trousers fell down.

- Don't lie to me, I know all about it.
- Know all about what?

Barry let it slip on the phone.

But I...I've got no idea
what you're talking about.

Who's Beverley?

- That's Beverley?
- Yah.

But don't make any comments,
they don't like it.

Wills, I'm so happy-

Look, Kate, there's something
you should know,

you're going to find out, eventually.

I spent £ million
on a platinum RSJ.

£ million?

I know.

I'm completely out of my depth,

I should never have tried
to be a proper man.

You'll always be a proper man to me.

Right. Barry, what's all this sh*t about
you charging million quid for an RSJ?

Well, th...that's
how much platinum costs.

Look, I'm no standard member of the
royal family, OK? I used to be a gypsy.

I'm going to ask you this once,
if you don't tell me the truth,

I'm going to open you up
like a tin of beans.

Is that a platinum RSJ?

Oh, actually, oh, now
I come to think about it,

it might just be steel.

Beverley, that RSJ,
was it steel or platinum?

Yeah, yeah, I think
it's just steel.

Oh, must've been a mix-up
at the depot.

So, we'll, refund you
the million quid,

minus the O sovs for the steel RSJ.

Too right you will.

But the work is beautiful.

Well, thanks.

Oh, Kate.

I am so sorry, Your Royal Highness.

Oh, that's all right.

And...and the medical negligence
charges you were talking about?

Oh, we can, we can forget
about those. Great.

Do you guys need a hand
cleaning up?

No. No, no, no, we'll be fine.
Oh, magic. Right.

See you around, then.

Wasn't he nice?

So normal.

Pippa, what are you doing? Harry?

Harry and I have
somethin to tell you.

Yeah, I'm...I'm not Harry,
I'm a brain surgeon.

Yeah, can you pack that in now?
It's getting on my tits.

- Er, what's going on?
- He's in love with me.

And he's leaving Meghan...

I told you.

...and marrying me.
- No, I'm not Harry.

- But I do want to marry you.
- Do you want me to hurt you?

Harry, is this true?
Oh, it's true all right.

I'm going to be a princess,
just like you, only better.

And whilst you're stuck opening
a bus garage in Catterick,

I'll be spending time
with the man I love.

Hello, you lot.

Yeah, Ml said you'd be here.

Harry-

So, you see, I'm...I'm not Harry,
but I do love you,

more than anything.

So, you're not royal?

No, I'm Britain's
foremost brain surgeon.

- What f*cking use is that to me?
- Well, it's still a very good job.

Go on, do one.

- Bye, Harry.
- Bye, Julian.

Bad luck, Pippa.

I can't help thinking
if you were a little more content,

you wouldn't end up
in these muddles.

Oh, f*ck off.

Er, I don't like this, take it back.

- Ciao.
- Edo, where have you been?

Been all over town and I can't find
the girl from last night anywhere.

All she left behind
was this fun wig.

That's your wig.

Tell him. No, I can't.

I know where your girl
from last night is.

It's my spinster sister,
Princess Beatrice of York.

It fits!

It's you...

...isn't it?

It is you!

This holiday is sh*t.

I'm very sorry, everyone, but l...

I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.

What's going on?

- I'm ceasing to trade as a B&B.
- Why, Mummy?

I just got a call from Daddy.
The Queen's withdrawn his allowance.

He thinks he'll have to sell
the chalet.

Edo, what must you think
of my father?

I guess this is ove
before it's even begun.

- We are, we're still free.
- I don't care.

Your father's only problem
is that he's too honourable,

as anyone who saw
his TV interview would know.

I've found the girl I love.

Will you do me the honour
of becoming my wife?

Oh, Edo.

- Yas.
- Yes?