03x05 - Episode Five

[bunniefuu]

Pippa! I'm doing another triathlon,
will you sponsor me?

- What's the charity?
- I dunno. So, shall I put you down for...

...a million pounds?
- Sounds like quite a lot. - Really? Oh.

Well, that's what Johnny
and all our other hedge-fund friends

have put down, but then I suppose
we are that much richer than you.

Well, I don't need money to be
happy. I'm just lucky I found Wills.

Who, it turns out, is going
to be King!

That's not why I fell in love with him.

And the fact I'm going to be Queen
one day is actually quite a burden.

- Oh, here we go! - You don't know what
it's like doing Royal duties, Pippa.

Passing bunches of flowers
to a plain-clothes policeman,

it's hardly coal mining, is it?

It's a lot of pressure.

For those people at Berkshire County
Fair, seeing me today

will be the highlight of their lives.
- Really?

They never saw you getting fingered
at the Venture Scouts disco, did they?

Pippa, I don't think you
have any idea how hard

a Royal duty actually is.
- Oh, is it hard,

or is it really f*cking easy?

I've got to do it alone today.

OK, then.

Get your Zara jacket on,
I'll do it with you.

But...you're not Royal.

It's the Berkshire County
Show, who cares?

We're only just in the Top Ten now.

I don't think we're
ever going to get back

on the Sovereign Grant.
- But who needs it?

We're both going to be
married now. Besides,

we're going to be
online influencers.

Do you think so? All the
zappy brands have turned us down.

Apple, Nike, WHSmiths.

They're all saying the same thing.

- We're just not popular enough.
- Oh, dear. We could end up like

Princess Margaret's children.

Not even characters on The Crown.

PHONE RINGS
- Oh.

Hang on a minute, it's from one of
those big Japanese perfume houses.

They're launching a new scent
called Diamond Dignity,

and they want us to front it.

Because we're so dignified.

Exactly what those Nike twats
hate us for.

They're offering
a million pounds a year, each.

OMG!

We don't need to feel guilty about
taking holidays a year any more,

because now, we'll be
paying for them ourselves!

Hold on, there's a special clause.

Because we're representing

Diamond Dignity,
they're saying we can never

associate with Mummy ever again!

"Because we consider her
the opposite of dignity."

- Oh, well, we'll just have to turn them down.
- Um, just a sec.

That's a lot of money,

and Mummy always says
she wants us to be happy. - But...

And we were happy just then,
weren't we?

You know,
when we read that e-mail.

- Yeah, but never seeing Mummy ever again.
- I need this, Bea,

I don't know how long Jack's
going to be kept on as

a Tequila ambassador. I mean, do you
know what a Tequila ambassador is?!

All right, we'd better
go round and see Mummy.

Oh, Camilla, I didn't expect

to see you till Saturday.

I thought you were in Switzerland,

having your blood changed...
- Oh!

Excuse me, sir.
I'm the new shop manageress, Prue.

It's a great honour.

Oh. Well, Prue, um, tell me,

do you think £
is too much to charge

for a jar of honey?
- Oh, no, sir,

and it's made by bees
rom the High Grove estate,

who might have hovered near you.

There is that personal connection.

I notice you've displayed
my paintings more prominently.

Because they're wonderful!

Excuse me, sir.

Sometimes, my passions

get the better of me.

Yes, like me.

One only has to look at this

painting of a distant hillside

to see the raging cauldron
of emotions inside me.

Is that what the sheep represent?

You have a wonderful eye.

Camilla often says my paintings
are a bit on the sh*t side.

Oh, no, no, no, no, sir! I mean,

I think we could charge
even more for them.

- Really?
- Oh, yes, sir.

And not just the paintings.

This Prince of Wales
bug hotel, for instance,

I see no reason why the public
wouldn't pay £ for it.

Well, I did personally supervise

the smashing up of the bamboo.

Do you know, Prue,

I think you and I are going to work
very well together.

SHE GIGGLES
- Hmm...

Auntie Anne is very
particular about her food.

With her porridge,
she just has water and salt,

and she has it for
breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Ooh-hoo!
HE GASPS

- Oh, Auntie Anne!
- Wills! Oh! Oh!

Have you got a kiss for your auntie?

Mmm... Mwah!

Oh, I hope I haven't put you out,
inviting myself like this?

Not at all, it is lovely to see you.

- I like what you've done with your hair.
- Oh,

well, I have a new special friend,

who likes it down.

I've actually brought him along.

Oh, to stay in
separate rooms, of course.

Oh, right, more the merrier.
ho... Who is it?

David!

- All right, Wills?
- Ha!

- David Beckham!
- David Beckham!

- Thanks for letting me and Anne
have a sleepover. - Mmm...

Oh, it's all above board. There's
no, erm, ahem, sexual component.

Mind you, if I weren't married,
I'd be like a rat up a drainpipe!

Oh, ha-ha-ha! Stop it, David!

- Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- How did you two meet?

Oh, at, erm, a reunion of

past winners of
Sports Personality of the Year.

- We were both in the bog,
avoiding Nigel Mansell. - Hmm.

I think stumbling into that cubicle
was the best day of my life!

Yeah, it was like I'd won
the Lottery.

Oh, David, ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Harry, potato printing!

That's a great educational

activity to do with Archie.

Oh, no, he's out with Nanny.

- What are they?
- I got them from the Queen's library.

I'm going to research
your family tree.

- Yeah, but why don't you just look
at a tea towel? - Ho-ho! Oh, Harry!

It's for Archie's journey.

Because if we don't know where
we're from, how can we truly know

where we're going?
- Well, exactly.

Oh, here's something.

Charles ll set up the RAC.

The Royal Automobile Club.

Cars weren't invented in .

- It stands for the Royal African Company.
- Well, I'm sure

that's something really helpful too.

Boof!

Prr... Psch!

Hello.
Are you selling jam?

You should be very
proud of yourself.

Hello.

Are you selling cakes?

CROWD LAUGHS

Hello?

Are you selling ca...?

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Marry Ryan Reynolds,

shag Harry Styles,

and k*ll Ed Sheeran!
LAUGHTER

- What are you doing?
- I'm being a normal person.

You have to maintain dignity.

MAN SHOUTS:
You're a breath of fresh air!

- Yes, she's wonderful, isn't she? Ha-ha-ha!
- Right,

now I think it's time to see
who's got the biggest carrot...

then I'll judge the vegetables!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
WOMAN SHOUTS: We love you, Pippa!

MAN SHOUTS: Give us a song!

All right!

MUSIC STARTS UP

CHEERING

♪ ..To a bunch of cool cats
that dance the night away... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

♪ Falling for you once more

♪ Like a silly fool

♪ Life can be so cruel

♪ I don't like it... ♪

UPBEAT MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We should have just
old her on the phone.

But this is the last time
we're ever going to see her!

We have to do the live launch of
Diamond Dignity

from my place tonight.
- I don't know.

- Cutting her out of our
lives, just for money!

- What would Dad do?

Oh, yeah.

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

h, girls!

Oh, I knew you wouldn't
forget Mother's Day!

Oh, are those for me? Yeah. Oh!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Mummy, why are you wearing that dress?
- Oh, yeah,

I had to sell my other frocks, girls,

but, ah, I kept this one

for sentimental reasons.
- Because it reminds you of Dad?

No, Wham!. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I can still get into it, apart from

a few safety pins.

So, are you taking me out?

Er, of course, Mummy.

Young g*ns Go for it!

Goodness me, we've never taken
his much money in a day before!

I told you, sir.

People really pay £ for

a pair of gardening gloves,

just because they've
got my face on them?

Oh, of course, sir.
HE CHUCKLES

I think the £ wickerwork owl
should be somewhere

more prominent.
- Perhaps flanked by

the £ wickerwork squirrel.
- No!

Not in front of your book!
- Prue.

Sorry, sir. It's just that I...

I love it so much.

I've read it so many times,
it's almost like I'm...

inside your mind.

Yes, quite a place
to hang out, isn't it?

Now, how much do you think
we should charge

for this silly little bag
of pine cones?

£ ,

You do know the gardener just
picks them up off of the ground

and puts them in this silly little bag?
- Yes!

What's up?

I've found out what Charles ll
used the Royal African Company for.

sl*very!

Oh. Well, that's not so bad, is it?

- Not so bad?!
- Well, it's just a bloke on a trumpet,

another bloke on double bass,
and maybe a guy on vibes?

No, that's jazz.

Oh, is it? What's sl*very, then?

Oh. Yah, that is bad, isn't it?

Have you any idea how disruptive
this will be to Archie's narrative?

Well, it was a long time ago,
wasn't it?

It must've been, what, the s?

It was a lot longer ago than that.

Well, there we are, then!

Don't you understand?

Buying a person and forcing them

to spend their lives working on
a sugar plantation is wrong.

Oh, yah, no, you said this before.
Sugar is poison.

That's not my point!

Not this time.

So, I've looked up and I've
seen Scholesy in the box

screaming for it.

I put the ball on his nut

and he stuck it in
the top left-hand corner.

Ha-ha-ha! David, you're priceless!

Er, I need the bog.

So...

what do you think?

Yah, yah, he's a good bloke.

You're right,
he's the perfect man, isn't he?

And he's contributed
So much to the nation.

Oh, I wonder,

do you think he should have some
sort of title?

A knighthood, perhaps?

A knighthood?

Well, he is one of England's
best EVER footballers.

But only two of the England team who
won the World Cup got knighthoods,

and didn't David only ever make it
to the quarterfinals?

I suppose I could
recommend him for an OBE.

An O B EEE?!

- Yah, it's still good.
- He's got an OBE!

No!

No! Knighthood.

Knighthood. Knighthood.

- I'll give it some thought.
- I should hope you will!

SHE WHINNIES

She was doing
a medley of World w*r ll songs.

Now they've asked her instead of me

to open an old people's
dance centre.

Wills, you're not listening
to a single word I've said.

Oh, sorry darling.

I'm just so worried about this whole
Anne, David Beckham thing.

Well, I think it's wonderful
she's found a friend.

No, I think he's using her
to get a knighthood.

But that would mean
manipulating the honour system

and that's simply not possible,
is it?

True.

I still think he's using her.

I'm going to tell her.

Wills, do you think
I should be more, well, fun?

You are a safe pair of hands, that's
what we want from a future queen.

They don't come to you for fun.

They come to you for tradition.

Who cares if that's boring?

It's just before lunch.

Where have all the customers gone?

They've gone off me, it's over.

Course not,
we're just having an off day.

The people still love you.

Well, then, where are they?

Probably all watching
a documentary about you.

I know that's what I'd be doing.

Right, shall we go for lunch?

Right, erm.

Won't be a sec.

Did I make a mistake
with that woman?

No, you're right.

I've always been a sound
judge of character.

Ready!

Oh, my God, she's one of them.

Do you like?

It's what I wear when I'm'
outside Buckingham Palace

hoping to catch a glimpse of you.

But I don't have to do that now,
do I?

I get to see you

all the time.

Oh, sh*t.

Great idea to leave mum in Annabel's
while we do our vlog.

Here we go.

Hi, and welcome to
Keeping it Royal with B and E.

Now, dignity's always something
I've been very keen on,

the way I carry myself,
and my clothes, my...

No.

It's your smell.

Oh, yeah.

Mad coincidence.

It's my perfume
called Diamond Dignity.

Who fancies a bottle of Newky Brown?

Probably best steer clear.

We're Skyping Prince Philip.

Ohh. No. He loves me
again since your wedding.

Watcha, Phil!

Oh, I wish I'd worn
some underwear now.

Oh, no, it's
Japanese Consolidated Meats.

Who are they?

The parent company
of Diamond Dignity.

Uh!

Wills, look what David's bought me.

It's an under garment
in a modern style.

Instead of cleavage,
it favours the under boob.

Right.

So, I was wondering,

have you thought any more
about David's knighthood?

Er, to, to, to be honest, I haven't.

Look, Anne, I think
David might be using you.

Using me?

Yah, did he ask you to ask me
for a knighthood?

No.

No, he'd never do that,
we're friends.

Unsullied by any
sort of sexual component.

I just,
I don't want you getting hurt.

And why shouldn't he
have a knighthood?

He's our most capped
outfield player.

Did he tell you that?
'Cos it's actually Wayne Rooney.

Liar!

To open our dance centre,
Pippa Middleton!

I declare this dance centre open.

Kate, what are you doing here?

You're not the only one
who remembers

what our gypsy grandmother
taught us.

WOW!

You've been upstaging me

since your arse took all
the headlines at my wedding.

And you've been boring the tits
off everyone since you were ten.

Still think royal duties are easy?

Not easy, it's a piece of piss.

And it's language like that
that makes you completely

unsuitable for royal engagements.

Ole!

Even though I'll be
Britain's queen one day,

I'll always be more gypsy than you.

Oh, every time.

Prue, we need to talk.

I could listen to you talk all day.

Look, there's no easy way
to do this,

so, I'm going to just have to come
straight out and say it.

Ah...

You're sacked.

- What?
- It's your prices.

This graph will make it easier
to explain.

We have price versus stupidity
of the public.

People will pay ludicrous sums
for products associated with me.

I know.

But there comes a point where even
the most hardened royalist

baulks at paying more.

It's what economists call the
sh*t for brains saturation point.

As you can see,
we're well beyond it.

So you're f*ring me?
Just like that?

I'm afraid so.

I understand now.

Oh, good.

It means we can continue
our relationship without work

getting in the way.

You just don't get it, do you?

What do you mean?

It's over,
there's no other word for it.

- Smith, Bennet!
- No!

- Deal with her.
- Charles! I love you!

You're everything to me.

- If I can't have you...
- She's got my Kn*fe.

...no-one will.

I'm too young to die.

Argh!

Geee, she's fallen down
my geothermal bore hole.

Yah, well, it's the way
she would've wanted to go.

OK, goodbye.

Well?

They're giving us a second chance.

But?

We can never see Mummy again.

And this time, they mean it.

Well, I suppose this is goodbye.

No, I'm getting married
next week, remember.

And Mummy has to be there.

We are wrong to even consider
giving up Mummy.

Even for a million pounds
a year each.

Oh, a million pounds?

Oh, no,
girls, you have to be sensible.

What do you mean?

Girls, all my life, my poor impulse
control has been holding you back.

No, it's, it's,
time you made your own way.

I'm going out now.

I may be some time.

Mummy!

Sounds like she's pretty definite.

Eugenie.

All right.

Wait.

Oh, girls.

We can live without money.

But we can't live without Mummy.

Oh, girls.

I can't make up for sl*very, but
I can make boiled egg and soldiers.

Meghan?

"I'm leaving,
this was the final straw."

Prince Philip's Big Book
of Ethnic Slurs.

sh*t it!

Peepog

Cuckoo!

David?

Who decides these honours?

Katherine Jenkins got an OBE,
for what, singing at the rugby?

They're unappreciative BLEEP.

Anne?

- So, it's true.
- What is?

I've read your e-mail.

I wrote that ages ago,

that's based on outdated material
taken out of context.

It's been doctored.

Wills was right.

You were using me.

Everything has been a lie.

You probably don't even like
Black Beauty.

I do.

It's about a horse, innit?

A black one?

You've humiliated me.

Can't believe
I had this tattoo done!

That'll laser off.

Come on, Anne,
we're friends, aren't we?

How did you do that?

Anne, what's going on?

You were right!!

He made a fool of me.

I will return home
and never show my emotions again.

although I shall leave out
the wedding banquet

I prepared for us til the whole
house is covered in cobwebs.

But it's already covered in cobwebs.

- Is it?
- Mm.

Oh, well, I sleep
in the stables anyway.

With the horses.

Neigh!!

So, Wills,
think I can have a knighthood?

That's for Auntie Anne.

And that's for trying to corrupt
the honours system.

Urgh.

Meghan!

- Meghan.
- Harry?

Meghan, please don't go.

You were right, the royal family's
involvement in sl*very was wrong.

And Grandad is a r*cist.

Oh, Harry, that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Well, kiss her then, you doughnut.

Hooray, well done, Harry.

But we can't stay here.

Not after what your family
have done.

Plus I'm being commoditised
by the British tabloid press.

I want us to relocate.

To North America.

All right.

Where is it?

No, no, Camilla,
it's very quiet here.

Eeeugrgh.

Er, darling, it's Donald Tr*mp.

Eur-h.

Mr President.

Go on.

Yes, I accept.

I'd be delighted to become
King of America.