03x06 - Episode Six

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Windsors". Aired: May 6, 2016 to present.
"The Windsors" is a comedic take on the lives of the British Royal Family.
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03x06 - Episode Six

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Wimbledon's just weeks away.
It'll be all right.

I can't watch it on the telly,
I just can't.

I'm getting married next week
and Mummy has to be there.

Oh, I wish I'd worn
some underwear now.

I want us to relocate.

Oh, darling, it's Donald Trump.


Mr President.

Good evening, for some time now,
the relationship between myself

and you, the people of Britain,
has been a difficult one.

For some reason, you never
really seem to get me.

Well, I tell you who does get me.


And so it is, with a heavy
heart, that I have to tell you

that you can take
your British crown

and stick it where the
monkey sticks his nuts.

For clarity,
that's the monkey's anus.

Good night.

And goodbye.

Dad, what's this all about?

I'm gonna be King of America.

But America doesn't have any kings,
why would they need a king?

They have a president.

They want the checks and balances
we Windsors bring to the British

political system, I'm gonna be
a s*ab influence.

And Donald Trump's OK with that?

Was his idea.

Well, this makes no sense at all.

Would you really just
turn your back on the country?

Why, shouldn't I? Every suggestion
I make over here is poo-pooed.

For instance, my wind-powered train.

But that won't fit
through the tunnels.

It's that kind of negativity
that's making us leave.

Why would Donald Trump want
someone brought in above him?

Well, I think he wants someone
he could really look up to.

But he's three years older than you
and a famous egomaniac.

I don't care, I'm sick of waiting
to be King of England.

I'm years old, I've probably only
got , useful years left.

And I'm finally going to be Queen.

Not of some crappy
backwater like Britain

but of the most powerful
nation in the world.

We'll be going to the
Oscars every year.

And we won't have to sit through

Michael McIntyre
at the Royal Variety Show.

But he's only done it three times.

Well, it feels like
a f*ck of a lot more.

There's something very fishy
about all of this.

For clarity,
that's the monkey's anus.

Whoa, good for Dad.

Harry, the reason we're moving here
is to get away from your family.

Yeah, but Dad's the only one
who doesn't laugh

when you talk about h*m*.

That's true.

Like me, he's not afraid to
stand up for things that others

say are stupid or made up.


That must be the new nanny.

Thanks for taking care of it,
for some reason, all the ones

I put through -hour interviews
would storm out calling me a w*nk*r.

Come in.


You're our new nanny?


And I'm practically
perfect in every way.

Well, what do you think?

Why would you wanna be our nanny?

I really need the job.

Johnny's lost everything again.

We're totally ruined.

Well, I never heard anything.

No, we erm,
wanted to keep it quiet,

so, erm, where's little Archie?

Oh, is he in here?

No, that's a suitcase.

He's in the pushchair.

Ah, of course I never put my
one, erm...


Exactly, I never put him
in a suitcase when I fly.

Harry, could I have a quick word?

I don't think this is a good idea.

You and Pippa do have history.

Don't worry, Meghan,
she might be in my wank bank,

but there's only one
woman in my heart.


Oh, isn't he lovely?

OK, Pippa, you're hired.

Thank you, ma'am.

Here we are, girls.

Oh, I do love a wedding.

Reminds me of when I
married your father.

The kiss on the balcony with
, people watching.


Makes me realise why people
like dogging actually.

Not that I've ever been dogging.

What you gonna do for the dress?

Erm, shiny satin, puff ball
sleeve, shoulder pads?

No, I was thinking something
a bit more simple and elegant.

Oh, right.

No, I mean, it's your day.

I can't believe it's
finally happening.

My dream wedding.

In Windsor Great Chapel
with people watching

as I become
Mrs Count Eduardo Mapelli Mozzi.

So, who's going to walk
you down the aisle?

Daddy, of course.

Daddy? Well, he can't do it.

Why? He walked you down the aisle.

Well, since then,
the landscape's changed.

You know, the unpleasantness.

I only just got in under the wire.

Oh, there are other people that
could walk you down the aisle.

Like Uncle Charles?

But every Christmas at Balmoral,
he made you sleep in the wood shed.


Don't mean Charles.
No, . . .

no, I was thinking, erm,
someone a little closer to home.

Erm, perhaps someone who did
more of the heavy lifting

when you were growing up.


Er, you're not making any sense.
I want Daddy.

so do a lot of American lawyers.

So what you're saying is
I can either have a big wedding

without Daddy,
or a small wedding with him?

Thanks for dinner, Donald,

and I, for one, didn't think that
Trump Tower was absolutely ghastly.

I just love the way you talk.

So classy.

That's what you bring to the party.

Donald, back in Britain,

one of my most important jobs
was the Maundy Money ceremony

and I was wondering if we could have
a day here where old age pensioners

wait in the cold for me to give them
money they can't spend in shops.

You got it.

Here's something else you got.

The Royal Yacht Americana.

Four times the size
of the Royal Yacht Britannia.

She's a beauty.

I'll never forget the day that
Britannia was decommissioned,

the only time I've ever seen
Mummy and Daddy express emotion.

It's a beautiful story.


King Charles preparing to board.

Care to take the bridge, sir?

Why, thank you.

Lemming speed.

Great plan you came up with,
so clever, so simple, like me.

I want you, I haven't felt this way

since Stormy Daniels,
which never happened.

Fake news.

Not until after the Coronation.

But when my husband
sits on the throne of America,

I'll sit on whatever you like.

To Harry and Meghan
and their new life in North America.


And to think the British tabloid
press have got everyone thinking

that we're feuding.

Oh, the tabloid journalists
don't half get up to some tricks.

Cheeky buggers.

He's just gone down, ma'am.


Are you Harry and Meghan's
new nanny?

Yes, and we don't know how
we ever managed without her.

But why?

Johnny lost everything.


Oh, Meghan, I've had a thought
on your UN Climate Change speech.

Climate Change speech?
Sure that's a good idea?

Why? Because I can't speak
out on the big issues?

No, because you flew here
on a private jet.

They had to,
for the safety of her family.

And in case she sat next
to someone from Birmingham.

Right, and what's wrong
with people from Birmingham?

Don't they deserve to sit next
to a royal once in a while?

See if they have the vegetarian
option or the chicken.

I always eat the vegetarian option.

Meghan, you make this speech,
you're opening Pandora's Box.

And that's a notoriously
difficult box to close.

Sorry about Wills.

He's a bit upset about
this Coronation.

Thinks there's something
fishy about it.

And what do you think?

I think it's a great excuse
for a holiday, I'd better go too.

Well done on the new career, Pippa.

This could be a real
turning point for you.


So, Pippa,
you had a thought on my speech?

Oh, yes, you said you wanted
to reach out to the Chinese,

well, I speak Chinese, I thought

maybe I could translate
some of your speech into Mandarin.

You speak Chinese?

Yes, I spent a lot of time in
Hong Kong with my brother, James.

He set up a personalised
marshmallow business which failed.

That's a wonderful idea.

Calling out the Chinese
in their own language.

Yes, and with my help, you're
going to make quite an impact.

Ah-hah, just finished my side
of the guest list.


Now, there'll be a couple of
Saudi princes there, who Interpol

might want to have a chat with
on the day, will that be a problem?

What's all this?

Nothing, Daddy.

Just a bit emotional, eh?

Well, I must admit, I get a bit
like that myself sometimes.

Thinking about me
walking you down the aisle.

Daddy, you can't come
to the wedding.


I'm sorry.

It's just, I've always
wanted a big wedding, and

after that TV interview you did,

the public just won't
wear it if you're there.

I see.

I'm so sorry, Daddy.

Hah, I really do see.

Well, of course, I'll still get
the Saudis to pay for everything.

Ha, I'll be all right,
I'll be at home watching it on the telly

with a,
with a glass of champers.

Oh, Daddy!

Well, you've done it this
time, you bloody idiot.

All that privilege you've had.

You could've made the
world a better place.

But, instead, you've hung
about with tin pot dictators,

arms dealers, and a paedophile.

Huh, well, that stops today.

I'm going to change.

I'm going to be a better man.

Daddy, I knew it.

You are honourable.

We've got some very special guests
here in the US.

Kate and William,
how do you like America?

There's a looseness here
that really rubs off on one.

Ha-ha-ha, wee!

It's fun, come on.


You're, you're right, quite fun.

What a couple, no wonder people
are asking why these two aren't

gonna be America's king and queen.

I can't find the pheasant's arse.

Not good.

Well, you were right,

America's quite a place.

I mean, have you seen the size of this sandwich?
I know.

Everything's just that
bit bigger and better.

Wills, Kate.

So handsome, so pretty, so hot.

Oh, Donald, why,
why did you want to see us?

I caught you two on Fox News.

You're a big hit with the American
people, such a big hit.

And the American people
are a big hit with us.


Now let me get straight to it,

I want you two to be
King and Queen of America.

What? But you've already
asked Dad and Camilla.

They're a tough sell.
Too old.

I need a king and queen the
people can get behind, I need you.

I, I don't understand
why you even want a king.

Because I need controlling,
I'm erratic.

Last week, I nearly nuked Italy
cos I had a bad pizza.

So bad.
Too many olives.

Where's my launch code?

I mean, it does sound like you'll
be doing the world a favour.

And, Wills, since you came to
America, I do feel that I've, erm,

blossomed as a woman.

It's like I've been in a dusty room
and someone's thrown open

the shutters, I feel like I could
even use a public lavatory.

Oh, I had no idea you felt this way.

So, what do you say,
have we got a deal?

Shall I put you down
for King and Queen?

Erm, well, can, can we have a
little time to think about it?

I'm sorry but I'm gonna need
an answer RIGHT NOW!

All right, we'll do it.

We need to talk.

Is it about my wind train?

The faster it goes,
the windier it gets.

You're fired.

And this is what I think
of your wind train.

Heeurghurgh. Eugh!

Aren't you forgetting
something, Donald?

Without us, my plan won't work.

All I need for our plan
is a senior British royal

to become America's king.

You won't get anyone else.

And I think you're forgetting
about our previous encounter

back in Blighty. When you
couldn't, erm, close the deal.

Are you blackmailing me?
In an election year, yes.

Bring it on, Camilla.

Putin's got a video of a
prost*tute making pee-pee on me.

A story about me having sex with
a woman my own age

would be an electoral boon.

I'm serious, Donald, I'll do it!

Don't care. Nothing sticks to me.
I'm Teflon, like a pan.

And, FYI, I've already got a king
and queen lined up to replace you.

And they're gonna be a much
easier sell than you.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Ah, well!
At least there's Britain.

Where you tell them to stick
their crown

where the monkey sticks its nuts.
Its anus.

Oh, this isn't over.

If there's one thing I learnt
in my year as a debutante,

if someone tries to f*ck you over,

you f*ck them back even harder.


Quinoa. Quinoa.

Goji berries. Banaaaana.

I like to open my vocal cords by
listing superfoods.

How clever.

Good luck, Meghan. I know, whatever
you say, it'll come from the heart.



The Duchess of Sussex will now

address the assembly
on climate change.




Thank you! I thought
that would shake you up.

That was great!
I'm still buzzing.

Your pronunciation was perfect.
They'll have understood every word.

So will I get a job on the
Chinese pig farm, too?



What did you make me say out there?

Why don't you ask your new friends?

What's going on?

I can't believe how casually
dressed we are for our coronation.

We'll be able to go straight to
brunch without getting changed.

Yah, we'll be just like the
people we're ruling.

I mean, there are drawbacks.

We'll miss Wimbledon,
but the US Open is still

quite a good tennis tournament.
You all right, Wills?

Er, yah.


We could never be like the
people we're ruling.

Doesn't matter how many light sweaters
or pairs of cargo pants we put on

they'll still have to bow to us!

Well, that's not so bad, is it?

Well, not for the British.

They're conditioned to
look up to us.

But the Americans are a free,
proud people

capable of independent thought.

They don't need a king!

Well, what about if we just
ask them not to bow?

I'm sorry, Kate, it's not enough.

So none of the family are coming?

No. I decided I don't want a big
wedding if I can't have Daddy.

So who's done the catering?

I have. I made sarnies.


But where is Daddy?
We're due to start.

He said he'd changed.

Well, maybe it's time that you
seriously looked at other options.

But there's no-one. He's my father.

He's supposed to walk me
down the aisle.

But what about your mother? Me.
The woman that gave birth to you!

And all the... the sarnies for
the reception.

Why can't I walk you down the aisle?

Oh, here's Daddy now.

Ah, sorry I'm late.

I bought you these. Something blue.

Daddy! You ARE a changed man.

You know what, I think I am.

Ah! This is Nadia.

She's a professional.

Erm, physiotherapist.

She's very young, Daddy.

Is she? Huh, I just look for
a good... sense of humour.

Look, how long is this gonna take?
It's just I promised Nadia

I'd take her to the casino.

Actually, Mummy, you're on.


Hit it!


I still can't believe Meghan's
claimed political asylum in China.

I just didn't see it coming.

Yes, it's quite a PR coup
for the People's Republic.

More champagne?
So, does this mean she's left me?

You've had a lucky escape. I mean,
she certainly doesn't think

much of you and your family.

But even though she said all
those things, I think

I love her just the same.

But she's changed you.

You used to be a beer-loving
rugger bugger.

Now you're a beer-loving
rugger bugger

who pretends to like mindfulness.

But I do like mindliness.

And she's promised to
explain what it is.


Oh, wait here.

I'll go and get her.

No need, Pippa. I'm already here.

Meghan! Oh.

I don't know what you hoped
to achieve, Pippa.

I was hoping you'd be in a wooden
crate on your way to Beijing.

You're the closest thing
to pure evil that...

Oh, save it!

He's never gonna leave you.
I know that now.

And I'm walking away. Oh,
are you going back to Johnny and Arthur?

Your husband and little boy.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, I could do.

Yah. Anyway, goodbye and good luck.

Not so fast, missy.

Oh, what now?

We've got a contract.

You're our nanny in Canada
for the next six months.

But surely after all this...
We struggle to keep staff.



There he is.

So kingly, what a king!
But we should go.

We need to get you crownified.
And what a crown, so beautiful.

Sponsored by Burger King.
Oh, yah, it's about...

Hold on! We are gonna sue
you for breach of promise.

Oh, we'll do far worse than that.

Just a minute,
I've got something to say.

I'm not going to be King of America.

What? What?

America shouldn't have... Whatever.
You're back in, Charles.

Oh, I'm glad you saw it my way.


Well, perhaps I should say... swell!

Come on, let's get you coronorated.

Look, you didn't resign.
I fired you.

Let's get this over with and get
to the real reason I want a king.

Real reason?
That's right, smart guy.

You just cut yourself out of the
biggest deal in history.

Donald! When I get a
British king on the throne,

Britain becomes America's
st state.

I could turn the whole island into
a huge offshore

chlorinated chicken farm.

And anything that's left, I'm gonna
freakin frack the f*ck out of.

You fool!
Not before he's crowned.

Yuff, doesn't sound like
traditional farming methods.

I knew there was something
fishy going on.

Not on my watch, buster.

Szhee... Weerr...

But it was her ide... Argh!

Let's go home.

Right you are, grasshopper.

Who'd have thought that the
happiest day of my life

would also be the cheapest one
to cater?

There may not be any royal
guests here,

but it's still a great wedding.
Welcome to the club.

BOTH: Whay!

Oh, both my girls married.

Take it from me, girls,
don't leave it too long to have children.

I need to be a grandma.

Also I need something for the fourth
instalment of my autobiography.


Oh, ha-ha-ha, yeah!
It was a joke, that, yeah.

You came!

Could hardly miss a royal wedding,
could we?

Unfortunately Daddy's not here.
Oh, wonderful.


You all right, Dad?

Oh, I just really wanted to be
King of America.

You will be a king.

But here in the country you belong.

A country where we drink warm beer,
play cricket on the village green,

and eat cod and chips out
of newspaper.

Oh, you've never done any of
those things in your life.

No, but I always meant to.

You see, unlike America,
Britain actually needs a king.

I mean, without it what would
happen to our class system?

Or the people who collect
biscuit tins with our face on.

Or the simple idea that some people
are just better than others?

You're right.

Now I've given it some

America was rather vulgar.

Britain's where we belong.

And though we Windsors may seem

a needless drain on the
country's finances

and lack the expertise,
charisma, and the basic

intelligence to go with leadership,

we are still Britain's royal family.

It's the law.
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