02x03 - Image

[bunniefuu]

So, if I could ask each of
you to introduce yourselves

as we go around the table and
then we'll talk preferences.

Ian Cox, Satanist party.

Ada Byron, Pagan Sex party.

Peggy Wong,

Glassblowers, Ventriloquists
and Canasta Players party.

Denise Christian, the
Nick Xenophon Team.

George Xenophon, the Greens.

Tim Green, Christian Democrats.

Great, alright, preferences.

Let's start with the Satanists.

- That'd be young virgins then.
- Oh.

Sorry we're late, power breakfast
at Pavlowski's Red House.

Here's what people are saying about you.

Focus groups, really?

They think you're too
high-handed and dismissive.

Why are we still asking
these inbred nut jobs

what we should be doing?

We should be telling them.

I mean, if we're going to
have a policy formed by morons,

why don't they have the morons
in parliament in the first place?

They're giving that idea a
cr*ck in the Senate, aren't they?

Well, if they're going to come
up with these insane ideas,

they may as well be
paying grand a year,

rather than giving it to us for nothing.

How are we going with our fundraisers?

Hang on a minute. I thought we
were rolling in campaign money.

Well, we are, but if we don't
have some fundraisers soon,

everyone is going to work that out,

they'll be sniffing about and the
Fabian Silver story will grow legs.

I think it's already got legs.

Well, it's a centipede at the moment,

but we don't want it
becoming a millipede.

Although, interesting fact,

centipedes sometimes have
more legs than a millipede,

so in some instances you might
want it to turn into a millipede.

(LAUGHS)

But I know what you're saying,
yes, so legs to one side.

So, hang on, the Sex party is
preferencing the Glassblowers?

No.

You've got Cox from the Sex
party, he's the Satanist.

So the Satanists are
preferencing the Glassblowers?

Yes.

And the Glassblowers are
preferencing the Satanists?

- No, no, no, they're preferencing us.
- Who are you?

Pagan.

Pagans not Satanists,
he's the Sex party.

Oh, right, right, sorry.

And the Christians are
preferencing the Greens...

No, no, my name is Christian,
I am preferencing the Greens

but I'm from the Nick Xenophon Team.

He's from the Christians,
but his name is Green.

- Well, who are you preferencing?
- The Greens.

- So Green is referencing the Greens?
- Green from the Christians, yes.

- And Greens are preferencing Xenophon?
- Yes.

No, Xenophon is my name,
but I'm from the Greens.

- And who are you preferencing?
- Green.

- Green.
- From the Christians.

So we thought we would
turn the Walnut Farm visit

into a family fun day,
whatever the f*ck family fun is,

I've certainly got no experience of it.

Well, it would be similar to being
on cr*ck cocaine if that helps.

- (MESSAGE BUZZES)
- The sausages are under control.

So what is that? Is that
some secret-coded spy message?

No, I have convinced a local
butcher named Brendan Lowe

to provide us with kg of sausages
for free for the sausage sizzle.

Ah.

Oh, and I'll be doing
some face painting.

Oh, I could do a -minute
live music set if people want?

Assholes.

Oh, and I have booked a bouncy
castle, it's a good one too,

it's just been re-vulcanized.

- Is this what politics has come to?
- Why is it a castle?

What? Well, because it just is.

I mean, why bouncy?

When, historically,
were castles ever bouncy?

Weren't castles made of stone?

Henry makes a good point,

what is the correlation between
bounciness and castles, Ellen?

She's not here.

I mean, it would be different if
it was a bouncy football stadium,

'cause the players do sort
of bounce around on it,

that would make some kind of sense.

I mean, we don't even have
castles in Australia, do we?

The whole idea is flawed.

Well, there's Kryal Castle in Ballarat,

Myles and I went there
for our honeymoon.

I have pictures of him
chained to the wall.

If that what a bouncy
castle is in this country?

A replica of Kryal Castle? Catherine?

I'll look into it.

Well, I don't think the children
are going to raise this as an issue,

so, you know, well done, everyone,
it's all sounding fairly ordinary

and, Rita, can we lose the suit

and put Andrew in some sort
of farm-friendly local clobber?

- That's how you k*ll a man, Ellen.
- Right.

Straight in the neck.

You're done.

OVER LOUDSPEAKR:
Sponsored by Brendan Lowe

and the boys from Lowe quality meats.

Just stand behind him
like one of the locals

and not like they do on the telly.

Like they do on the telly.

Well, for me, this by-election

is about what sort of
country we want to live in.

Do we want a country where
people are discriminated against

because of their religion?

Do we want a country where young
people won't be able to afford

- to buy their own home?
- Oh, God. Stop him.

Do we want a country where we
don't make anything anymore?

Curtis, Curtis.

Don't nod your head, shake your head.

Don't we want a country in which
migrants are made to feel welcome?

Don't we want a country
in which the welfare system

looks after people
who are doing it tough.

Don't we want peace,
don't we want harmony?

Don't we want brotherhood
within our community?

In George Christensen's onesie.

Well, he's hardly a world leader.

His eyebrows are looking
a little John Howard-y.

Have you groomed many
other world leaders, Rita?

I once did Kim Jong-un.

Hm, I'd imagine he'd be very particular.

I thought he was going to
have me k*lled for sneezing

while he was speaking,

so I gave him the most
embarrassing haircut I could.

And were you k*lled?

He liked the haircut
so much, he pardoned me.

He's kept it ever since.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hold still, this could
go straight to your brain.

Curtis, would you
mind, please? Thank you.

Hello, ex-Prime Minister
Andrew Dugdale's phone.

He's having his nostril
hairs trimmed at the moment.

I'll put him on.

Ban Ki-moon. Ban Ki, I'll
call you back in five.

Tell her nothing, Andrew,
she can't break you.

I could have anyone of you
spilling your guts in five seconds.

Yeah, she made Mr Han at the fish market

confess to murdering his own wife.

She's not even dead.

Weekend polling's out and
frankly it's f*cked, I've checked.

We're losing ground.

We're neck and neck with Baggins,
- two-party preferred.

We're leaking votes to some
whack job from the Satanist party.

I don't know, maybe it's this idea

of defunding the Catholic
schools is resonating with...

with the locals.

Alright, I'm going to say this once

and then I'm never going
to mention it again.

This is how I'm going to
look for the rest of my days,

it makes me feel better about myself,

so get used to it or get over it.

May I see?

You know, I think I need to come across

as less self-absorbed and narcissistic.

Why would you want to
be something you're not?

Well, it's just a perception,
Henry, I'm not saying

I am actually self-absorbed
and narcissistic...

Oh, you're talking about him.

Why not just accept that you're bald?

You know, lose the desiccated ferret.

And, everybody, let's not
worry too much about the polls,

the polls go up and down
like Shane Warne's trousers,

it depends what people are asked.

Will you vote for Lorelei
Baggins or that assh*le Dugdale

we thought we got rid of years ago?

None taken.

It's internal party polling, Henry.

The most vindictive kind.

If the by-election was held
today, who would you vote for?

Yeah, that's so loaded,
don't worry about it, Dad.

Well, I am. Leaking
votes to the Satanists.

How was I attracting those
votes in the first place?

How do you do? I'm Curtis.

Oh, for Godsakes.

Bloody hell.

Look, I can see that we need
to work on Andrew's image,

we need to improve the popularity
and likeability of Andrew.

Or diminish Baggins'.

Well, and found three more
appearances for this week

and that will help big time,

an ABC interview with Sarah Ferguson...

Jesus.

An episode of Family Feud
and then some lighter stuff.

Righto, that's it, we're finished.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Oh, you mean the meeting.

It's sunny.

Preference deals are
going to be crucial.

- I knew you'd find this threatening.
- Well, possibly when it was alive.

Because you would be the only baldy.

Oh, when you're bald
and everyone knows it,

you can't just glue a wig
on the top of your head

and expect everybody to
pretend you've got hair.

Isn't that exactly what we
do every day of the campaign?

Well, a little more
convincingly, I would hope.

Dugdale's sliding in the polls.

It's like Manuel Noriega all over again.

Oh, that bad?

- Worse for you, lover.
- Hm?

If His Lordship ends
up back in Canberra,

the PSS and the Senior Feds
will be doing all his security.

You'll be back doing
Tamie Fraser's shopping.

The Parliamentary Security
Service are a bunch of pussies.

Jeez, Rita, is there no
reward for loyalty these days?

Flybuys.

- In George Christensen's onesie.
- Oh.

Oh, Curtis, I said coffee
for everyone, can't you count?

It's not coffee, Mrs
Dugdale, it's my breakfast.

Two mi-NUTE noodles.

Only there are several of them
and they're really not that small.

We need to settle on a strategy
for the Sarah Ferguson interview.

Check. Where are we exactly
with Andrew's wardrobe?

I hid in that once,

playing hide-and-seek
with Carol many years ago.

Five days it took her to find me.

I'd gone to the Falls Festival.

Alright, we've got dark
suit, powder blue shirt and...

tie, we still haven't decided on.

OK, we've narrowed it down
to these options, option one.

- Too Tony Abbott.
- Option two.

- Classic Turnbull.
- This one?

No, Hewson.

- Or this?
- Hm, Sonny?

- It's a bit Mark Latham.
- Yeah, burn it.

I'm sorry, did I say "ties"?
I meant to say "strategy."

SONNY: Don't underestimate
the power of a tie, Ellen.

A tie can say "I'm successful"
or "I'm untrustworthy" or...

- "I'm not bald."
- "What does my tie say about me?"

CAROL: "I eat like a dribbling pig."

SONNY: Just Google a
photo of Nelson Mandela

and get one of his ties.

And so what sort of themes and visions

should Andrew be enunciating from
behind his Nelson Mandela tie?

Hang on, what's he
wearing on Family Feud?

Open-necked shirt, I think
with a cashmere sweater,

Mum reckons with a casual bomber jacket.

I was thinking of leather.

Focus, Catherine, focus.

Well, everything must
be made in Australia.

Does Dad still get his
pants run-up in Honkers?

Not since that Senator
oversight committee.

Well, just in case anyone's looking...

Rip the labels out of
anything from overseas

and replace them with ones

from whatever it is
we still make here now.

Ah-ha. Well, Kevin, that's very kind,

but we already have a campaign manager,

a strategy adviser and
a media liaison officer.

Yeah, yeah, I know you speak Mandarin,

but I don't think that's going to be

very useful round here, that's all.

Yeah, Kevin, can I call you back?

Someone's just come in.

No, no, it's not Julia.

No, I mean she did offer to
do some consulting work...

No, I didn't tell her to get f*cked,

I just said that we couldn't afford it.

Anyway, Kevin, I can't...
We're going into a tunnel...

Curtis, if those are the
biscuits, I must refuse.

These are my late wife's
ashes, Mr Dugdale, sir.

What?!

Did you manage to convince the MCG board

to suspend its non-sprinkling policy?

Oh, Curtis, I'm so sorry.

I meant to ask them
before we left Melbourne,

but I completely forgot.

It's alright, Mr Dugdale,
sir, at least you tried.

Tell you what, leave it with
me and I'll see what I can do.

(PHONE ALARM RINGS)

- God bless you, sir.
- What's this?

Image meeting.

Oh image meeting, right, yes.

How would that look? Being
late for an image meeting.

I want her to throw in, you
know, "Mum and Dad" a lot,

like "Mum and Dad" shareholders,
"Mum and Dad farmers."

- Really?
- Yeah, makes him sound less elitist.

Bit more everyman.

I have done an interview before,

I was Australia's
longest-serving Prime Minister.

OTHERS: Caretaker Prime Minister.

And if the leadership
comes up, remember,

you're not there to
answer her questions.

- I think he is, isn't he?
- You ask your own questions.

Well, only if you know the answers.

Like, do I think affordable
housing is important? Yes, I do.

Or you can say, "Well that's
really a question for someone else."

Someone who answers questions.

You know, this is what
drives people mad, don't you?

It's why they don't
listen to politicians.

Well, it's better than having
them actually listen to someone

stuff up the answer and
then lose the election.

Body language, Carol.

Hand over heart for heartfelt moments.

Clenched fists, Andrew.

Shows your strength, you're a fighter.

Point with your knuckles,
people like that.

Yeah, you know, I've never
understood why we do that.

- Just do it.
- Oh, and when you're on the hustings,

strong arms when
you're waving to people.

Yeah, but nothing someone
can turn into a n*zi salute

- on the internet though.
- Classic meme.

Yeah, don't show your palms, Andrew,

people can see you've never
done a day's work in your life.

Hm-mm, too black power.

Hm, too David Bowie.

Maybe don't raise your
arms at all, Andrew.

(CLEARS THROAT) Mr Dugdale,
welcome to the program.

Oh, thank you. I'll
learn this, obviously.

It's a pleasure to be with one
of the best political interviewers

in the country, Sarah.

She will projectile vomit all over you.

Well, why do we get Sarah Ferguson?

Why couldn't we get somebody more
malleable like Quentin Dempster?

I used to be able to wrap
him around my little finger.

- He's dead, Andrew.
- Oh, God, really?

Well, he's a contributing
editor to The New Daily,

which is a similar experience.

Mr Dugdale, why should people
vote for you this time around?

Because, Sarah, I believe
I can be a strong voice

in the government for the
people of Murray-Darling Downs.

Oh, wow, awesome.

What other great ideas have you got?

I believe we have in place the policies

that will see this area thrive

and which will generate new business
and employment opportunities.

Oh, my God, brilliant,

you are so totally going to
smash this election, respect.

You don't even know who
Sara Ferguson is, do you?

Yeah, she's that chick off
The Project, right? Right?

SONNY: Yeah.

See. Na-huh.

(m*llitary BAND MUSIC PLAYS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm terribly sorry, Myles,

I probably shouldn't sneak up
on a security guard, should I?

Not while I'm packing heat, Henry.

Well, you certainly look
like you're packing something.

You know, you're the only person I
can never hear coming up behind me.

Many of our former leaders, Myles,

have made exactly that same observation,

it's one of the dark
arts of the faceless man.

Yeah.

Myles, can I talk to confidentially?

Ah, about women, hey, you old dog?

- What?
- I thought...

Myles, I want you to go
out and rip down, tear up,

deface and destroy about a dozen
of the Dugdale campaign posters

from around the electorate.

- Onto it.
- Good man.

No, no, no.

I mean it.

I already have.

About of them.

Really?

Because people will assume that
that's the Baggins' lot doing that

and that'll tie their
resources up for a few days

dealing with the media shitstorm.

- Exactly.
- Good work.

I was never here.

Family Feud is something
you'd think we'd excel it.

Instead we get publicly
humiliated and a cardboard cut-out.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Music bothering you, sir?

No, no, no. Hate Eternal again, is it?

They've been my favourite since
the head injury, Mr Dugdale, sir.

- Hm.
- Very soothing.

Are they?

Would you like me to
play something else?

I've got Jukebox In Siberia
and Carol's -minute dub remix.

- CATHERINE: Jukebox.
- SONNY: Jukebox.

Hey, let's let Dad decide,

OK, he's the one that's
under all the pressure.

Yeah, well, I'm always this way
when there's a tough interview.

Yes, Grant Denyer asks the
questions others dare not ask.

Yes, that's very true,

although I was thinking of the
one coming up with Sarah Ferguson.

Oh, no, she actually bailed,

apparently someone sent
her anthr*x in the mail.

That's great news.

You're doing it with that Italian chick.

Alberici or Trioli?

Er... Trioli.

She's quite nice, isn't she?

You've got to watch her,

she made Barnaby Joyce
look like an idiot.

She's no Grant Denyer,

she won't be giving away life-sized
cut-outs of herself after the show.

Life-size?

You mean Grant Denyer's
only five millimetres thick?

Well done, Myles.

(WHIRRING AND CHATTER)

And there we are.

Alright, alright, alright!

In George Christensen's onesie.

Just one more thing, if she asks,
you paid for the trip to Hong Kong.

VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Oh, she'll ask.

Just ignore her questions.

It's about working for the electorate

of a stronger economy.

Yes, yes, yes!

Right, clear the set, please.

- Out, out, out, out.
- Smile, darling, smile. Enjoy it.

I know, I know, I know.
I was Prime Minister once.

Caretaker Prime Minister.

OK...

And we are live in three, two...

Mr Dugdale, welcome.

Good evening.

Cool, minibar. Want a beer, Mum?

Oh, f*ck yeah.

Firstly, the tragic
events unfolding in Mexico

as we go to air right now,

what are your initial thoughts?

Virginia, I'm focused on doing
what's right for my electorate

and the good burghers of the
Murray-Darling Downs basin

and may I say the burghers are
better in Murray-Darling Downs.

- Is that one of yours?
- God no.

RITA: I wrote it.

I used to be the speechwriter
for Kurt Waldheim.

Mr Dugdale, you don't think the
scale of this international incident

warrants something more than
a glib parochial response?

Well, Virginia, I think the real
question is who do you trust,

me or Lorelei Baggins to
create a strong local economy

and it's only when you
have a strong economy

that you can afford to
deal with these, you know,

Mum and Dad t*rrorists.

Keep them coming. Doctor
Gele said I need carbs.

Well, what about Sabra
Lane's leftover fried rice?

Oh, yeah, get it over here.

ON TV: So, what exactly are
you offering this time round

to all those people who are
sick of your empty slogans

those years ago?

Hope, stability, leadership.

Do you still have leadership ambitions?

Well, I think that's a question for...

I think that's a
question for you, surely.

- Yes...
- Well, those aspirations are...

Let's ask this. Are they
dead, buried, cremated?

Please, please, don't put Tony
Abbott's words in my mouth,

although if you did, at least
they'd come out a bit faster.

CURTIS: Is there anything else on?

VIRGINIA: Now, there's a lot
of unease in your electorate

around China buying up large
tracks of local farming land.

Are there any skeletons in your
closet regarding Chinese interests

paying for your travel expenses?

No, no, there aren't.

And can I say, if there were,
I'd encourage those skeletons

to come out of the closet and, you know,

be open about their sexuality.

Nailed it.

Is media magnate Fabian
Silver funding your campaign?

We live in a democracy, Virginia,

everyone is free to
donate, including you.

Well, I don't think so.

Being at the ABC, I don't think
I'm free to fund your campaign.

No. But we have to fund
yours, though, don't we?

But hang on, this is
about influence, isn't it?

Isn't some transparency here important?

Virginia, if I had a
dollar for every time

someone stopped me in the street

and told me I was
completely transparent...

Oh, I think you probably wouldn't
need Fabian Silver's money.

Mr Dugdale, thanks for your time.

Thank you, Virginia.

But if you can get me some
dirt on Lorelei Baggins,

I reckon I can sort out
your accommodation problem,

I've got to go now, but thanks
very much for the advice.

You're welcome.

Can I come in... to my office?

No, bit of a quick meeting.

How did she know about Silver?

I know, it's typical bloody ABC.

I think I hosed it
down pretty well though.

On the plus side, Myles has been
doing a bit of moonlighting for us.

I saw him tearing down
some of Baggins' posters.

Probably shouldn't have
been wearing his SS outfit.

That is his secret service
thing, not a n*zi uniform.

Baggins' posters?

Yeah, yeah, how's that
for commitment, hey?

I think we should give
him a raise or something.

Or something. Yeah.

Get him to come and see me
in the morning, will you,

so I can show him my appreciation?

- Will do.
- The f*cking idiot.

I'll see you at the
front, I'll just lock up.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Yes, well, it was very
nice of you to offer, Tony,

but it's such a long way out here,

I wouldn't like to put
you to all that trouble

when you could just as easily leak

the information to me over the phone.

Of course I'd like
to see you and Margot,

it's just that we're
very busy at the moment.

No, I'm not suggesting you're not busy.

I'm just saying that Catherine and
I are especially busy, that's all.

Might not be able to spend as
much time with you as we'd like.

Of course I value your advice.

Of course I'd like to
be prime minister again,

it's just that we can't
both be prime minister

at the same time now, can we?

And as much as we have a lot in common,

there's only so much trust I can
put in your breaches of confidence.

- Image meeting in five.
- Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, well, well, well.

We're certainly not a party
tearing ourselves apart up here.

(LAUGHS)

Hello?

Curtis, I'd like you to
bring the bus around, please.

I'm sorry, Mr Dugdale,

I'm indisposed, I don't think
those noodles agreed with me.

(BUBBLING)

Exactly what I said when
we lost the last elections,

it's alright, Curtis, I'll call a cab.

Oh, God!

Myles, I'm off.

Alright, Henry is
working in my office today

and Curtis is stuck in
the toilet with diarrhoea.

Wants you to pop in
and see him, by the way.

- I'm not going in there.
- No, Henry.

Oh, OK. What about?

Well, I've been mentioning
you in dispatches

and your impassioned att*ck
on the Baggins' posters.

Later.

Catch you later, Mr D.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Henry.

I've got to be honest, I
haven't been aft in a while.

Seriously, though, I very
much enjoy flower arrangements,

I'm very deeply into Pilates
and contemporary dance theatre.

Love search, hey?

Myles, you want to be very
careful, you are playing with fire.

Look, I'm going to need a role
if Mr D goes back to Canberra. OK?

I'm not going back to
driving Tamie Fraser again.

Sure. Man of your talents. How
does security consultant sound?

- Senior security consultant.
- Yeah. Is there any other kind?

Carry on.

You want to lock the door,
please, on your way out?

I do apologise.

MYLES: Oh, sweet Jesus!

Just pull up the front there,

I want to get the stuff
out of the letterbox.

- Sure.
- So just here would be good.

Right, thank you very much indeed.

No worries.

- Sorry.
- It's alright, no, it's fine.

So what's the damage?

No charge for an old Prime Minister.

Really? That's very
nice, thank you very much.

You're welcome, sir.

Oh, Tom, Tom, Tom. I can't
let you pay for my trip.

- Why not?
- Because you're Chinese.

I'm Australian. My father's Korean.

Yeah, yeah, I know, but
it's about how it looks

and, you know, you look Chinese.

I look Chinese?

Yeah, you know what I mean,

you look Chinese in the way that
to you I might look Norwegian.

You know, I don't want
people to get the wrong idea.

You are r*cist scum.

No, I'm not talking
about how things are,

I'm talking about how
things look. Take .

Keep your money, man.

?

Yeah, OK, cheers, no worries.

- You have a nice day.
- You too, Mr Rudd.