02x03 - What Would Staci Do?

[bunniefuu]

A Pop Original.

[lively trumpet music]

♪ ♪

Penny, hi. Listen, I'm gonna be late.

I'm just finishing my kale smoothie.

I'll be there soon.

Yeah.

Hey, that's my money!

- I need it to eat!
- It's mine now.

Get a job and stop mooching the system.

Excuse me.

May I please have a napkin?

- Thank you.
- Excuse me, excuse me.

- Yeah.
- I'm Juju Chang

with "What Would You
Do In This Instance?"

You just watched that woman steal

from that poor homeless boy

and shove him, and you did nothing.

Why?

[speaking gibberish]

What is that accent?

Belgium... ese.

That is clearly a fake accent.

And what's more, it's an insult

to all the wonderful people of Belgium,

just so you could cover up
your lack of moral character.

Shame.

[stammering] I-I don't speak English.

Fake news! Fake news!

[Male announcer:] From Studio B

in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight, "Suddenly Susan" alum

- Brooke Shields!
- [crowd cheers]

Not a "Gossip Girl" but a gossip mom,

Kelly Rutherford!

Jimmy's new viral video
series "Yass Dog."

And now, number five in the ratings

but number one in our hearts,

here's Jimmy!

And the boy yelled "shame!"

Like I was that evil queen
from "Game of Thrones."

What? No. She's way younger than you.

- Uh...
- Do the accent. I wanna hear it.

No. I am not doing the accent.

But it was impeccable,

despite what Juju Chang says.

What you did was despicable.

And I say that having
worked with Mel Gibson.

Okay, okay, my head was in the
game, you know what I mean?

I was only thinking about the show.

Doesn't make me a bad person, does it?

- Uh...
- [murmurs]

[tense music]

- No!
- Well, you know what?

Jimmy says that women
are inherently evil, so...

- And bad at sports.
- Mm.

Anonymous tweeters have proven

that everyone is inherently evil.

Not Staci.

Then how come she has no friends?

My friends are Staci's friends,

and she is always welcome to our brunch.

You should come sometime.

Oh, I'd rather k*ll myself.

- [mouths word]
- Uh, not 'cause of you.

- I hate brunch.
- [laughs]

Oof. I haven't been to brunch

since I married a woman.

Let's talk about the show.

We have two amazing
actresses on tonight.

[gasps] Is it Kylie Jenner
and Kendall Jenner?

- No, Phil.
- Is it Kaley Cuoco

- and Ariana Grande?
- No, Phil.

Is it Bernadette Peters
and Mandy Patinkin?

No, Phil.

It's Kelly Rutherford

and Brooke Shields.

Awesome. Yo, the kids are gonna
love to meet some famous people.

There's no children scheduled today.

Kids are very germy.

No, it's "Bring Jimmy's Kids
To Work Day."

All of them? [scoffs]

I read he has, like, .

.

And more due this spring.

How is that possible?

Uh, Jimmy doesn't donate to charity.

He donates his sperm

to help needy women
have a celebrity baby.

- Gross...
- Ugh.

- But on brand.
- Yeah, every year,

he invites four of his lucky sperm kids

to the studio for a picture
and to meet him.

But, you know, he's tanning all day,

so I get to take care of them.

Todd, that's so sweet of you.

- Yeah.
- Uh, Staci,

Todd's a good person.

Maybe you should spend time with him,

and then you could be a good person.

Oh, my God, Phil!

Oh, there's that bad person tone again.

Don't make me call Juju.

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

Hi! Staci Cole!

Oh, my gosh, you remember my name.

- Yeah.
- Jimmy rarely does.

Oh, well, most celebrities can
be a little full of themselves.

[laughs] Well, tell that to Juju Chang.

Anyway, I'm just making sure
you're settled in.

You have everything you need?

Aren't you nice? Yes, thank you.

- Okay.
- Yeah. [laughs]

- I am nice...
- Yeah.

- As a matter of fact.
- Yes.

Tell that to Juju Chang.

[laughs] I'm sorry.
Oh, listen, some people

just won't like you, no matter what.

Haters always gonna hate.

Well, and fakers always gonna fake.

[laughing] You're hilarious.

Hey, you should stay. Hang out.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah, I, uh...

I got this wine in
a little gift bag this morning.

- Wow.
- Shall we be naughty?

- Well, I, uh...
- Come on, Stace.

- I really shouldn't...
- Don't make me drink alone.

- Um...
- Okay.

Well, here we go! I'm drinking wine

with Hollywood icon Brooke Shields.

Oh. [laughs] Stop, please.

I am just an ordinary girl,
who happens to be

the granddaughter
of an Italian princess.

[gasps] I am the granddaughter
of a pig farmer.

Shut up. I love prosciutto.

[gasps] Oh, my God. This is incredible.

♪ ♪

You can come in here.

Todd, I have four children for you.

All right.

- They smell like paste.
- I think, actually,

you got some paste under your nose.

[sniffs] Oh.

I was scrap-booking...

[quietly] For Mother.

- Mm.
- You can sit on this couch.

Hey, guys.

How you doing, my little Jimmies?

"Jimmies" is a r*cist term
for an ice cream topping.

That's America for you.
Always a little racism.

Let that be a lesson! [chuckles]

See, it was worth taking
you out of school today.

I'm your Uncle Todd.

You're not our real uncle.

You're just a parasite who latched onto

our biological father.

Eh, let's stick with
Uncle Todd, all right?

Uh, and to make this simple,

I'm gonna call you Jimmy ,

you Jimmy , Jimmy ,

and Jimmy .

When do we take the photo?

Hey, that's a great question, Jimmy .

[laughs] I don't know.

- Todd. [laughs]
- Hey.

It's so great to see you with kids.

Yeah. Yeah, I always wanted

kids of my own, but...

too focused on my career.

Yeah, it can be hard

- to balance the two.
- Yeah, yeah.

So what fun stuff
do you have planned for them?

Oh, I got it all figured out.

We're gonna sit here and wait.

[text message tone chirps]

When I was a kid, my parents made me

sit quietly in a room
with nothing but my pet ferret.

- Mm.
- I used to imagine that

he was a prince, and we would go on

adventures together, until one day

my mom walked in on me dancing

with the lifeless body
of the ferret prince.

[chuckles] Moms.

The point is, kids need activities.

Oh. [laughs] Nah, it's okay.

We're just gonna sit here and wait.

If anything happened
to Jimmy's little Jimmies,

whew, I'd be in big trouble.

It's like I'm their dad for the day.

Come on. Nothing's gonna happen.

It'll be fun. We'll do it together!

Like... two dads?

Well, like a dad and a...

[singing] Mom.

Oh, I didn't know

you were so traditional.

All right, let's go! [laughs]

[speaking gibberish]

I am from Belgium.

[laughs] I do not know

what Juju Chang was thinking.

- That accent...
- Right?

C'est parfait.

- Thank you.
- [sighs] Oh, er...

- [laughing]
- Finished.

Drinking at work. I
feel like Don Draper.

Et... voilà.

Oh, my God, they gave
you two bottles of wine

- at a morning show?
- Yeah.

It was Kathie Lee and Hoda,
and those ladies

like to get Chardonnay'ed up.

- Mm.
- Wow.

- [gasps]
- [door slams]

- Hey!
- Knock-knock!

- Hi!
- Kelly Rutherford!

Brooke, I saw you were on the show,

and I just had to come say hi.

"Suddenly Susan." I mean...

- Oh, Kelly Rutherford.
- [laughs]

I mean, come on. "Gossip Girl"...oh!

[laughing]

Um, so, come on. Come on in and...

- Okay, okay.
- Hi, Kelly.

- Staci Cole.
- Of course.

- Great to see you.
- Good to see you.

[exhales] Another nice person.

- Have a drink.
- Oh, no, no, that's okay.

I have my pre-interview. [laughs]

Yes.

- [clears throat]
- I heard that about you.

What?

That you can be a bit of a goody-goody.

Oh. Well, you know,

that's true. Um, so maybe I'll...

I can just... I'll have one glass.

Forget it. You made your choice.

[laughs] Just kidding.

- [laughing] Oh, my God.
- Just kidding.

[all laughing]

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

It's Davis.

- The door is locked.
- Ah.

- Well, it's locked on purpose.
- Staci, can I see you

out here for a second?
I need to talk to you.

It's highly unprofessional

to communicate through a door.

I'm sorry. There's a lot
of naked women in here.

[whispers] He's so uncool.

[all laughing]

All right. Fine.

We have a small emergency.

Have you seen Kelly? I left her in

her dressing room,
and she's not there anymore.

- Kelly who?
- [both laugh]

I am not going to engage in

sarcastic banter right now.

Kelly's never been through

a Jimmy interview,
and I need to get her ready.

Jimmy wants her familiar

with the "Yass Dog" segment.

Well, yass, Davis, go, uh,

try craft service.

Okay.

[all smothering laughter]

- I'm sorry.
- That's classic.

- He's got a pole up his...
- It's classic!

[gasps] Oh, my God, whiskey?

Whiskey after wine, feelin' fine.

- I don't think that's a thing.
- It is now.

You know what? I should take Kelly

and get her to her pre-interview.

- Yeah.
- Oh, no, no, no.

You can't go. Kelly just got here.

You wanna stay, don't you, Kelly?

- Well...
- I know, but, you know what?

You probably have a wardrobe thing...

- Yeah.
- And we can't...

Sit your skinny ass
down and take the sh*t.

I don't drink alone.

You too, Kelly.

[clears throat]

On three.

Three.

[both gag and cough]

♪ ♪

Um, well, these are mic packs.

Um, oftentimes, people
forget that their mic is on.

That's how I have hundreds of recordings

of your father saying horrible things.

About who?

Um, everybody. Horrible, hateful stuff.

It's my retirement fund.

If he knew his mic was on,

he wouldn't say bad stuff.

And he would never say
bad stuff about you guys.

Of course he would. He's a d*ck.

- Hey, what is that?
- Oh, this is weed.

- You wanna buy it?
- Sure.

- I have four dollars.
- Done.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh, no, no, Randy!

What? That's a great deal.

Come on, kids. Let's go.

Yeah, let's go to a place
without any dr*gs.

Guys, that's the best deal in the city.

Don't forget it. Tell your friends.

I also got Molly.

♪ ♪

Now, kids, I need to know, are
there any peanut allergies?

Just let it happen.
We're not playing God.

I know somebody who loves nuts.

Who?

Jimmy , Jimmy ,

Jimmy ... Where's Jimmy ?

- She was right here.
- Well, maybe

she's off somewhere choking on a peanut.

[chuckles] You're getting dark today.

- Hmm.
- Jimmy ?

Jimmy? Jimmy ?

- I knew this was gonna happen.
- Rebecca?

We'll find her. Don't worry. Oh, God.

[slurping]

[sighs deeply] Well, that
does it for the whiskey.

Daddy used to say that
vodka was for commies.

But Daddy's not here.

And the vodka is.

- Oh, dear God.
- Oh...

Brown before clear, never fear.

Okay, I'm pretty sure
that's not a thing either.

[both gasp]

Oh, my God, you have a hunting Kn*fe?

Why wouldn't I?

Ooh, let's play a little game

that I learned in the back
room of a Russian brothel.

Oh. Oh, no. That's okay.

You know, if you do it fast enough,

it won't hurt if you miss.

Hah! [pants]

[stammering] No, no, I like my fingers.

- I like mine too.
- Pussies.

I like my face. Punch it.

Oh, my God. I'm not
gonna punch your face.

Not you. Miss Goody-Goody.

Oh, that's funny.
It's like in "The Crucible."

Everybody's either Goody
Proctor or Goody Goody.

You'd be Goody Goody-Goody.

[all laugh]

Oh, sorry. Theater nerd alert.

[stammering]

Now f*cking punch me.

Uh, Brooke, you're...
you're really scaring me.

You either punch me,
or I'm gonna punch you.

It's simple. One...

- Two...
- You know what?

I'm gonna take Kelly to hair and makeup.

- Yeah. Okay.
- She looks good enough.

She does not! She looks pasty and ugly!

- Yeah.
- You let go

of Kelly Rutherford!

[all talking at once]

You are gonna come with me.

Brooke... [screams]

[gasps]

Kelly!

♪ ♪

Okay, there's Staci

eating cake out of a trash can... again.

Phil. I need to locate Kelly Rutherford.

Can you check the security cameras?

I'm gonna need you to wait your turn.

No, it's urgent. It's almost show time.

Fine, I'll check.

Nope, I don't see her. You
shouldn't have let her out.

Let me know if you see her.

I don't know what this is,
but I don't care for it.

Care for that booty...

I didn't even look.
Could you tell? [giggles]

[gasps] Oh, dear God.

- Tell me she's okay.
- She's dead.

What? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Holy f*ck-balls!

[laughs] You know, it's
kind of invigorating.

We just k*lled Kelly Rutherford.

We didn't k*ll Kelly Rutherford!

- You did!
- No.

We did. We're in this together.

No. [stammers] We gotta
get medical attention.

- We're gonna call the ambulance...
- She's f*cking dead.

- Get it together.
- Okay, okay.

We're gonna call the cops.

We're gonna explain everything.

It's gonna be totally fine.

What we need to do is get rid of her.

Do you have any of that acid
that's used to dissolve bodies?

What? No!

I don't have any...
maybe in Jimmy's office...

No! We're not gonna put...

Listen to me! Listen to me.

Okay. We need to get rid of her.

Okay? We need to make her disappear.

No one knows she was here.

Everyone knows she was here!

Everyone knows she's here.
You're insane!

I am not insane.

And who do you think
the cops are gonna believe?

Hmm? You?

Or a beloved Hollywood icon?

[sobbing] Oh, I'm sorry, Officer.

She... she kept me hostage
and made me imbibe alcohol,

and then when Kelly
started to try to leave,

she pushed her into the
corner of that table.

[sobbing]

I'm sorry. Give the
girl a Golden Globe...

for f*ck's sake! These tears are real!

Oh, my God, do not wipe
your psycho tears on me.

Listen, as long as we are

being honest: Juju Chang was right.

Your accent? It sucked.

[gasps] Oh, my God, you bitch.

- You said it was good.
- I lied.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

This is not happening. I just...

I didn't k*ll one of
America's sweethearts.

Hey, I am America's only sweetheart.

Now, we need to get rid of her.

We are going to roll her
body up in this carpet,

and put her in a dumpster.

No!

Oh, you know, you could
trip and fall too.

[gasps quietly]

Okay, we gotta move the coffee table.

[both grunting]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, this is so heavy.

[scoffs] Suck it up, fat ass.

Hey, you said it was skinny upstairs.

- Another lie.
- [panting]

- [door clicks open]
- [grunts]

There you guys are.

What's going on with this rug?

Oh, you know, I, um, I...

I spilled a kale smoothie
on it, and I didn't want

someone to have to
clean it up, so here we are.

No, no, no, no, no. I can get someone

- to deal with that.
- No, I insist.

And that's a really great jacket.

Oh! Thank you.

- Yeah.
- [both laugh]

By the way, Davis Maxfield.

We met at the Oscars in .

Oh, of course.

How are you, Davis?

Good, good. Just doing my thing.

Talent producing, trying
to find lost celebs.

- You know.
- Well, I just saw Kelly

- go to hair and makeup.
- Oh!

Good. Thank you so much.

- You're a lifesaver.
- [both laugh]

[exhales]

Okay. [grunting]

Back to work. Let's go.

[panting heavily]

Oh! Oh! Look what you did, you idiot.

[exasperated sigh]

What the f*ck?

Oh, my God. That's one of Jimmy's kids

from his sperm charity.

Um, sweetie, why don't you go inside?

[mouths word] Okay?

Run as fast as you can.

She's seen too much.

We have to k*ll her.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

- That sounds creepy.
- Okay, um...

Come out, little girl.
I have candy for you.

- Much better.
- Todd,

what's going on here?

Have you seen Jimmy ?

- No.
- Ah, she's missing.

Missing children? [sighs softly]

When my two children went missing,

my government told me
not to ask questions

and to stop looking.
I suggest you do the same.

Why weren't you watching her?

Oh, I get it. You get to be the fun one,

but I have to be the warden?

Well, Jimmy's gonna k*ll me, not you.

Jimmy's not gonna k*ll you.

- [sighs]
- He's gonna hire a specialist

to k*ll you. They'll
never find your body.

- Yeah.
- She scares me.

- And she smells like cabbage.
- Shut up.

You're terrible parents.

Yeah, but especially her!

She forced me to bring 'em
out of the room.

And now Jimmy 's probably bleeding out

in a gutter somewhere.

Oh, so I should just keep
them locked in a room

so they never grow wings and fly.

I want them to fly.

- We don't even know you.
- Yes, you do.

We met hours ago.
What are we even fighting about?

This is not about the kids.
This is about us.

What? No, it's about the missing kid.

Yes, that... yes, you are... right.

♪ ♪

Aren't you pretty?

Hey, do you like

to play dress-up and pretend?

Oh, of course you do.

I'm gonna teach you a
make-pretend game, okay?

Now, but you have to close your eyes,

and it'll only take a minute

and then it'll all be over.

Enough! Enough.

If you are gonna k...
K-I-L-L this little girl,

you're gonna have to do it through me,

because I am a good person
and you are not.

You have no idea who
you're messing with.

Me and Satan? We're in
the same book club.

Okay, that's more confusing than scary.

- Jimmy !
- Uncle Todd!

- She wants to k*ll me.
- What?

Oh, I just think she wanted to
be with her mommy and daddy.

Okay. Well, go find Jimmy , , and .

[laughing] Okay.

Our family is whole again!

- [sighs]
- You know, these kids

would be lucky to have you as their dad.

Aw... Hey, you'd make a
pretty good dad yourself.

Well, we make a pretty good couple

of parent... teammates!

- [both laugh]
- Yeah, dude.

[giggling] Ooh, okay.

Yeah, all right. Yeah. Whoo!

Ah, Jesus. I thought
they'd never shut up.

All right, come on. Let's get
this body into the dumpster...

- And be done with it.
- [muffled noises]

Did you feel that? Did you hear that?

Kelly Rutherford is alive!

[thud]

Yay. Thank God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!

- Oh!
- [gasps]

Oh, my God, why am I on a rug...

next to a dumpster?

Well, you just got
a little drunk, honey.

- Whoo!
- Yeah, that's it.

- Just a little tipsy.
- All right.

Here you go. How's your head?

- Ooh, ow.
- Ooh, I'll get you some ice.

- I'm gonna get you some ice.
- Did I miss my segment?

No, no. You didn't miss your segment.

- And isn't America lucky?
- [murmurs]

Okay, you know what, I've
gotta go to hair and makeup.

- Why don't I take you, okay?
- Oh, that's great.

Thanks, Brooke. - All right, great.

All right, we'll get you
some ice, and...

- Oh, hi.
- We're good, thank you.

- Oh, wow.
- Shh.

What happened? That's so strange.

Oh, it's just... we had a fun time.

We had a party! It was fun, and...