02x06 - Spinster Code

[bunniefuu]

Oh, great, Penny.
You're locking the door

'cause you're mad at me?

That's very childish.

Listen, I'm your boss.

And as your boss, I know what's best.

I know yesterday was very hard for you,

but the best thing we can
do is move on and look...

Penny?

Penny?

Oh, great, now I have to
say this all over again.

Davis, there's a singing
telegram for you.

For the last time, I'm
not a singing telegram.

Oh, sorry.

There's a talking telegram for you.

Phil, this is the Naked Cowboy.

- He's a guest on tonight's show.
- Oh.

- Thank you.
- Apologies.

I would've met you at security,

but I wasn't expecting you until later.

Yeah, I came in early.
It's very cold outside.

- Oh, right.
- Ohh.

- Right.
- You have to protect your skin.

Yeah. He has no body hair.

- Got it.
- Great ass.

Ha. Cute couple alert.

Hey, has anyone seen Penny?
I can't find her anywhere.

Makes sense after that huge blowup

the two of you guys had last night.

- Ooh.
- We did not have a blowup.

I simply didn't think that Selena Gomez

should be in the path of a platypus.

We had a professional conversation.

- Didn't sound professional.
- How would you know?

'Cause we were listening
outside your door.

You were all, "Calm down, Penny!"

I've dealt with animals
a hundred times!"

"But not a duckbilled platypus!"

"Penny, you always operate
from a place of fear.

And I know that because I'm
Staci, and I know everything."

So you think Penny's mad at me?

"Yes, and I don't think our relationship

can ever come back from this."

Hey, do me next.

Oh, um...

That was perfect. God, you're good.

From Studio B
in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight: Everyone wishes she
was their crazy ex-girlfriend.

Rachel Bloom.

He plays the guitar
and he doesn't wear clothes.

The Naked Cowboy.

Another round of "Can You
Eat This Without Throwing Up?"

And now, number five in the ratings,

but number one in our hearts,

here's Jimmy!

Listen. Penny can't be that mad at me.

I-I've said worse things to her
in the past.

But she's also never missed work before.

Not even that time that she
tripped into the Hudson,

- landed on all those diapers.
- Oof.

She smelled like ass
when she thawed out.

I thought she smelled all right.

Maybe Penny's just late for work.

- Thank you, Phil.
- Or she's dead.

- She's not dead, Phil.
- She could be dead.

How much you wanna bet she's dead?

We're not betting that she's dead!

- Did you call her?
- Yes!

I called her, I texted her,
I Facebook-messaged her,

I even put a comment on Instagram.

Weren't you banned from Instagram?

I proved that that photo
was not my nipple.

It was an ingrown hair.

- I found her.
- What? How?

I tracked her phone's
GPS and pinged her.

She's in her apartment.

Oh, I've got this really neat-o app

that I bought from a Russian
on the dark web.

- Isn't that illegal?
- Yeah.

That's why you can only buy it
on the dark web.

Okay, Staci, you need to check on Penny.

You need to take care of each other.

- Spinsters code.
- Yeah.

'Cause if you don't go, no one will.

Oh, come on, somebody's gonna
check on her eventually.

- Do you really believe that?
- No.

Yo, you really think Penny
might be dead?

Yeah, I think a lot of people
might be dead.

Would you bet $ Penny's done-zo?

If done-zo means dead,
I want that action.

Well, if action means you're betting,

then you got a deal.

Oh, Davis, there you are!
Listen, I gotta step out

for a minute. Spinster code requires

- that I check in on Penny.
- Okay.

But you know what? Maybe I should stay.

I've got guests coming any minute.

Staci, I can handle things while you go.

You know what? Maybe I should stay.

No, no, no, just go.

Okay, but I'm gonna call
you every ten minutes

- until I get back.
- That's really not necessary.

Okay, Davis, here's the thing.

This show has to be nurtured
and well-cared for

like a rare orchid or Nicole Kidman.

Look, if Penny's dead, what's the rush?

Staci,

- I'm a Rhodes Scholar.
- Ugh!

I have a master's degree from Stanford.

- And?
- I once juggled simultaneous

conference calls with Nicki
Minaj and Lady Gaga.

Wow!

I think I can handle "Nightcap."

Promise?

I didn't hear you say, "Promise"!

Hi, Staci. No, nothing has happened.

All right, I'll talk to you
in ten minutes.

Mmm.

Cedric.

Hey, uh...?

- Davis Maxfield.
- Oh, yeah.

I consulted briefly on your last show,

- "Cedric's Barber Battle."
- Oh, yeah.

I'm the one who came up with the idea

- for the championship belt.
- Right.

Davis, yeah, right. What's up, man?

How you doing? Yeah.

Gotta forgive me, man.
I mean, I'm at the end

of a long tour, and a longer press tour,

and so this is my last stop, you know?

I can barely remember where I live, man.

That's hilarious!

It wasn't a joke.

Long story short, man,
you know, I did it all.

I mean, Kimmel, Conan,
I did Fallon the other night,

Seth, Samantha Bee.
Even did Carson Daly.

He did it at a little bodega in Queens.

He got robbed
while we was doing his show.

- It was dope.
- Is that show still even on?

Yeah, I just said that I was on it.

- Ooh, okay.
- Yeah, anyway.

This it for me, man. I'm, um...

I'm here, I'ma do Colbert,
and that's it.

Look, I'm gone.

Here? For Colbert?

- Yeah.
- In this studio?

Yeah. Get this.

My publicist actually tried
to get me to do "Nightcap."

Me, on "Nightcap."

You believe that sh*t? Hell nah.

I'd rather do one of those
corny-ass cooking shows

or "Flip My Motherfuckin' House"
before I did that sh*t.

- You know what I mean?
- Oh, of course.

Because this is "The Late Show"...

- Yeah.
- With Colbert.

The show I work on. Not "Nightcap."

Are you gonna be here
for, like, one minute?

I'll be right back. Okay.

See if you can find me
some chipotle mayonnaise

or something.

Okay. Phil!

I need your help.

Oh, I'm on my break right now.

You can't speak to me.

You can't look in my direction.

You can't talk about me to other people.

You can't conjure images of me
in your mind.

It's, like, a union thing. Please, Phil.

Cedric the Entertainer is here,
and he thinks this is Colbert.

I need you to take down every
piece of "Nightcap" signage

from here to the dressing room.

I pay a lot of union dues.
I'm on my break.

I will give you whatever you want.

You know what I want.

Fine! I will join your bar trivia team.

Oh, my God.

The Trivia Newton Johns
are gonna be so excited.

You got a blond wig?
Nah, we'll get you one.

- f*ck are you doing, man?
- Oh, nothing.

We had an incident with a PA yesterday,

so I just wanted to make sure
the coast was clear.

- It's clear. This way.
- Yeah, you know,

I used to have a whole joke
where the payoff was,

"the coast is clear," but you
didn't hear that from me.

Guess who you heard it from.
Jimmy's punk ass.

- Well, he's the literal worst.
- I mean, how can you do that

to another comic, man?
I mean, he also took a story

about him partying with Ice Cube
on the set of "Barbershop."

He wasn't in "Barbershop,"
, , or m*therf*cking .

I can't wait for number four
to come out.

f*ck is he doing?
He up there frozen like a roach

when the lights come on.
You wouldn't know sh*t

about that though,
you old Harvard-ass n*gga.

- Stanford, actually.
- I mean, that's the part

I don't understand.
Like, who in they right mind

would even give Jimmy a show?

m*therf*cker ain't funny.
Actor ass, you know what I mean?

You know who funny? Carson Daly.

Like, he'll surprise
you how funny he is.

'Cause he Carson Daly, you like, "Yo."

You don't see it much on the show

'cause it's a dry humor,
but it's hilarious.

Like, if you think about...

- The f*ck, man?
- It was dirty.

Okay, all right.

Look, guys, I'ma just try
to get a little sleep

before the show, if you don't mind.

Sleep? Yeah, sleep is good.

- Yeah. Sleepy.
- Sleep is great.

No one to disturb you
or nothing to read.

Just your eyes closed before show time.

- Yeah.
- Colbert's show time.

- Nighty night!
- Okay, good night.

Phil.

Some weird m*therf*ckers around here.

That was a rush.

I wetted my pants a little bit,

but it was worth it.

Just a little bit.

- Penny?
- Come in!

Oh, my God, Penny.

You don't lock your door?

Oh, the locks are broken.

- All six of them?
- Ahh!

Spinster code saves me again.

Penny, I was so scared.
I thought you were dead.

Dead? No, Staci.

- I'm just stuck.
- Stuck?

Yeah, I was reaching under the fridge

and my watch got caught on something.

Will you just grab the pliers
from the kitchen drawer?

Sweetie, you don't need pliers.

I can handle this.

No, no, no. Really, I just need pliers.

Let me tell you something.
You don't need pliers.

- I'm gonna use my hand.
- No, please get me the pliers.

- Hand! Hand!
- Pliers! Pliers!

Oh!

You're supposed to say, "Hand."

What if I told you
that my watch was stuck too?

So the psychic was right.

This is how I'm going to die.

- I have an idea.
- You know what we're gonna do?

I'm gonna open the fridge,
I'm gonna get out

all the leftover pasta
and the condiments.

I'm gonna string them together
and then lasso the drawer

- and get the pliers.
- Okay.

That sounds like
a perfectly reasonable idea.

Staci's ideas are always
the best ideas, and,

- you know what, the only ideas.
- Oh, my God!

Are you still mad at me
'cause of last night?

Of course I am! You don't let me

- do anything myself.
- That is not true!

- You don't trust me!
- I do so trust you!

Okay, well, if you trust me,
I have an idea.

I think that maybe
we can scootch this fridge.

No, I'm not scootching.

Just... scootch!

- Whoa!
- No! I'm not scootching!

Fine! I'll scootch against you then!

I'll use your dead weight as a fulcrum!

- Aah!
- How do you even know

- what that word means?
- "Mythbusters"!

Oh, my God!

After all that I've done for you...

You've just reduced me down

to a fulcrum!

This is not how I raised you!

Raise me?

You couldn't even raise a fish!

Oh! How dare you!

I raised that fish

for almost a whole day!

Just scootch, damn it!

Got it! My plan works!

Oh, well, you're lucky
I was your fulcrum!

All right, I got $
that Penny is dead.

Deb, you're down for
that Penny's alive.

Marcus, I got you down for $
that Penny's dead.

Marcus, are you f*cking kidding me?

- Only ?
- Lame.

What? I'm a married man with kids.

I don't live your freewheeling
twin bachelor lifestyle.

Yeah, speaking of, Grady, Brady,

I got you down for $ each

for both dead and alive.

- That's right.
- This way, we can't lose.

- Okay. Uh, Randy, bucks.
- Yeah.

Just remember I'm gonna be
paying in singles and quarters.

So nobody get mad.

- Uh, Sonya, you want in?
- I don't bet.

But I like to watch people lose money.

You know what? We gotta hang out more.

- I don't f*ck the girls.
- Copy that.

- Hi, excuse me.
- Oh, hi, Rachel Bloom!

- Welcome to "Nightcap."
- Wow.

Hi, I'm looking for someone
named Staci Cole.

Both: She's out.

Okay, yeah. Jimmy wants me

to sing a song to him wearing
a see-through body suit,

and I'm not... I'm not
% comfortable with that.

Why not? You got a rockin' body.

Turn around.

Um, no. But thank... thank... thank you.

Jimmy's just being a perv.
I can walk you back

to your dressing room, Ms. Bloom.

Thank you, thank you so much.

I really appreciate... - Yeah.

Are you... are you guys doing
a death pool?

- Uh...
- Uh, not really.

- It's a... game.
- Um, not as such.

- Not a death pool.
- It's a place of business.

- One way to look at it.
- Yes.

I love death pools!

All right, first of all,
this is all wrong.

So you need the person
and the dollar amount, right?

Then you need the odds,
and then you need

the way they're gonna die.
So, for instance,

heavy object falls on them.
That's kind of likely, right?

- Yeah.
- So it's good odds, good odds.

But then take something like a rogue owl

knocks a waffle iron into a bathtub.

- Huh? Huh? Huh?
- Huh?

Lower odds. My money's on the owl.

Really? The owl?

That's how my Aunt Rose d*ed.

I earned grand at her funeral.

Thank you, Rose. I needed the money.

- Put us down for the owl.
- Yes.

- Yeah, man.
- Great, great.

You're down for the owl?
The twins are in.

Who else is in?
By the way, who we betting on?

- Who d*ed?
- Oh, Penny.

- Yeah.
- Oh, she's like skinny

- and waif-like, right?
- Yeah.

- $ on acute anemia.
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes!

All right, everyone, listen up!

- Whoa.
- Last-minute surprise booking.

Cedric the Entertainer is gonna
be on "Nightcap" tonight.

- Whoa!
- What? No way!

I mean, technically he's
all confused and thinks this is

"The Late Show" with Colbert,
but I say let's go with it.

Uh, that's a really bad idea.
Cedric hates Jimmy.

Oh, yeah, I think I
gotta agree with this one.

I think you should call Staci.
Hey, who's running the bank?

I need change for a bet
on a spontaneous mattress fire.

- Ooh.
- On the one hand,

he'd be on the show
under false pretenses.

But on the other, much better hand,

it's our only opportunity
to have him on the show.

Uh, people don't like being lied to.

Staci lies all the time!

She'll be on board with this.
She calls it producing.

Besides, this is fate, right?

Doesn't this feel like fate
a little bit?

Fate? No.

Kidnapping? Yeah.

It's not kidnapping.
Bloom, is this kidnapping?

Totally kidnapping.
Who has a bet on kidnapping?

Right? $ , kidnapping?

- Oh, yeah, it's a hot one.
- Davis?

- You really need to call Staci.
- I am not calling Staci!

I can handle this!
Besides, Staci left hours ago.

And she stopped checking in on me,

so I have no idea where she is
or when she's coming back.

Cedric is my thing! Mine!

Ooh, okay, girl.

- says Staci's dead too.
- Ooh, okay.

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm into that.

- Break a leg.
- Make mine .

- Dead Staci.
- Put on mine and, um...

What the hell?

Davis isn't picking up!

Still can't delegate, huh?

Yes, I can. Everything is fine.

Davis says everything is fine,
and he's a professional,

so I have no doubt
that everything is fine.

Uh, welcome to "The Late Show
with Stephen Colbert."

- Davis, listen, I...
- Shh!

Don't you shush me!

Why is Cedric the Entertainer here?

- He's taking a nap.
- I can see that.

What the hell is going on, Davis?

Cedric the Entertainer
is gonna be on the show

for the first time ever.

Major get by me, so you're welcome.

Cedric the Entertainer has
never been on the show before

because he hates Jimmy!

Well, technically he doesn't
know he's gonna see Jimmy.

He thinks he's gonna see
Stephen Colbert.

He's really disoriented.
I mean, isn't it great?

Oh, my God, I leave you for a few hours,

and you start kidnapping celebrities?

If I don't do everything
myself, it gets screwed up!

You want a hat?

Yeah, I've just been
kind of making up the odds.

I haven't. I read police reports daily.

What? I can't really read.

Staci is alive!

- Damn it!
- Seriously, Rachel Bloom?

- A death pool?
- Girl needs a hobby.

- Staci, come on.
- What?

Cedric the Entertainer!

Penny! Yes!

Penny's alive?

God damn it!

Well...

there goes my "Crazy
Ex-Girlfriend" money.

- That's the show I do.
- Yeah.

- Ooh, yes.
- Yeah, Cedric the Entertainer

hates Jimmy with a passion.
Yeah, but he's also a pro.

Once he's in front of an audience,

he's not gonna do anything.
He'll play nice for one segment,

and that's all we need.
Or as soon as he sees

Jimmy's face, he'll punch it.
Even better!

- It'll go viral!
- Okay, okay.

- Mm-hmm?
- So we get Cedric once,

and then Cedric is furious.

And if Cedric is furious,
then his publicist is furious,

and then we're completely blacklisted.

You know why? Because a publicist

has a Rolodex of other celebrities.

That means no Louis C.K.,
no Drew Barrymore.

That means no Taylor Swift,
and if you don't get TayTay,

- you never come back.
- Nothing without TayTay.

- That's very true.
- TayTay.

- TayTay.
- I didn't think about that.

I have an idea.

What if there's a way
to get Cedric on the show...

- Go on.
- But be honest with him,

and he's happy about it?

That's impossible.

It's not. I can do it.

Staci, let me do this.

Penny, I think you can handle it.

I trust you.

How much do you trust her, though?

- What?
- I'm just saying,

would you bet on it,
how much you trust her?

Would you put money on the line to bet

that she could bring Cedric
the Entertainer onto the show?

Yes. Yes, I would bet on Penny.

I trust Penny so much,

that I'm willing to cover all your bets.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Great. I'm in for grand.

- Oh, my God.
- All right, who's in?

Who's in? How much? - Let's go.

- She's got it.
- I'm in it.

- I am absolutely in then.
- You put me in!

I look good, right?

You know, I was thinking about
doing a second chain,

like, so two chains,
but I ain't want people

to mix me up with the rapper, you know?

No, understated is always good.

- Stick with one? Cool.
- One.

Um, so, Cedric, in a few seconds,

the announcer will call your name,

and you'll just go out right over there.

Oh, all right, cool.

Um, one small detail though.

This is not "The Late Show."
This is "Nightcap."

No. No, no, no.
It's... it's "The Late Show."

That's why I'm here.
Yeah, we tricked you.

The... the signs are fake.

- Surprise.
- What?

You got me!

You got me. Oh, man.

I knew I was tired. I ain't...

I didn't know I was that tired, man.

I mean, why would y'all
trick me like this?

We really want you on our show.

No, mm-mm. You know what?

f*ck that sh*t, and f*ck Jimmy.

Hey! Jimmy stole your jokes, right?

- Yeah.
- And he booed you

at the Soul Train Awards?

Yeah, you know? The nerve of that.

Gon' boo me and my mama
was in the audience!

He... he let that donkey loose
on your front lawn,

- and he called PETA on you.
- That was him?

If it wasn't,
he wished he thought of it.

Okay, but imagine this, Cedric.

You go out on his stage,

and you humiliate him on his own show.

It'll be more than viral.
It'll be instant history, okay?

You will finally have
your revenge for the terrible,

awful, bull caca
that he has done to you.

Or you could leave. No hard feelings.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Give me this m*therf*cker
right here, yeah.

Jimmy, you joke-stealing m*therf*cker!

- What's up, man?
- Ohh, my God!

Penny, I knew you could do it!

- Suck it, Bloom!
- Okay, okay.

Uh, $ , says that, uh, uh,
Cedric kills Jimmy.

Oh, Penny, you did it!

You did it! I knew you could do it!

- I learned from the best!
- Oh, honey!

You just made me buckets of money!

- Oh!
- We have to celebrate.

How about a mani-pedi?

I'd love to, but my fungus.

- Waffles!
- Yes!

Phil, do you want
to come have waffles with us?

- Yeah, I love waffles.
- Oh, this is the best day ever!

I have a fungus too.

♪ I'm the Naked Cowboy ♪

♪ I'm keeping it real for you ♪

♪ Well I'm the Naked Cowboy ♪

- Hey.
- Yeah, listen.

- Uh, great show tonight.
- Oh, thanks.

- Really great. Listen...
- Thanks.

I'm assuming you know the Naked Cowgirl?

Oh, oh, yeah.

I'm interested in having sex with her,

so could you do me a solid
and hook me up with her number?

Well, I don't know
if I'm comfortable with that.

What do you mean you're not
comfortable with that?

- Look at you.
- Well, I'm sorry.

You're the Naked Cowboy.
What do you care?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Give you bucks.

Done. Give me your phone.

Yes, yes!