02x10 - The Show Might Go On, Part 2

[bunniefuu]

[energetic brass music]

♪

I can't believe the show is ending.

How do they expect you
to afford a subscription

to a monthly jobs website
if you don't have a job?

Try Craigslist. It's free.

Are there good jobs on there?

No, but that wasn't the
basis for your inquiry.

Well, at least there are
sites for your line of work.

I have to troll celebs on Instagram

and be like, "Hey, I'm available."

I think I might just go home

and spend some time with my family.

- Where's home?
- It depends on the time of year.

Right now, it's the Bahamas,

but Daddy loves the Caribbean so much

that he bought four islands
there last summer.

Wait, Phil. Who is your dad?

You know who Ronald Perelman is?

The billionaire chairman of Revlon?

That's your dad?

No. My dad is his boss.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

Great show, great show.

J.J. Abrams is here. Ha ha!

Beep, boop, beep, boop.

Star Wars.

The Force Awaits You, J.J. Abrams.

What's the matter?

We're looking for jobs, Staci.

You have jobs.

Not for long.

- Penny!
- We know everything.

The show's ending, and you
stole Penny's diaries

to write your tell-all.

Oh, and she hates you.

Excuse me. Do not blame me.

Blame Christie Brinkley.

Ever since she started dating Jimmy,

she's always pushing him
to do "smarter" projects.

Anyway, we have a great show.

We have J.J. Abrams.

We have Patty the Potato Chip Lady.

Aw, is she bringing her potato chip

that looks like Kim Kardashian?

She's bringing Kylie and Kendall

and a little crinkly one that
looks like Caitlyn Jenner.

Penny, you're producing
the game tonight.

Can you please the traitor

standing at the front of the room

that I heard her?

Penny, you're not speaking to me?

Can you please tell the traitor

standing at the front of the room

that I am not speaking to her?

Penny, games are supposed to be fun,

and you're really ruining all the fun

with this horrible
attitude, God damn it!

Todd, you're producing the game tonight!

[whimpers]

♪

[Male announcer:] From Studio B

in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight, from a galaxy far, far away,

J.J. Abrams.

Queen of the lookalike spuds,
Patty the Potato Chip Lady.

America's favorite new game,
Mass Transit Karaoke.

And now number five in the ratings

but number one in our hearts,

here's Jimmy.

[knocking at door] J.J. Abrams.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Oh, my gosh, it's so great
to see you. Staci.

Oh. Hey, good to see you, Staci.

- God, it's been years.
- I know.

Well, there's a lot of
changes around here.

- You should know.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Like what?

Somebody else is also a
writer-producer-director.

Oh, my God, Jimmy?

No, he's illiterate.

And also, this is probably the
last episode of his show.

- He's leaving.
- Oh, you're kidding.

- No.
- Oh my god, I don't know.

But it has launched
quite a writer in me.

I'm about to embark on something

I never thought I was capable of.

I am now playing

in the same creative sandbox as you.

- Oh.
- Yes.

I actually have a book deal.

Wow, that's amazing. Congratulations.

That's... that's great.

Can we just talk about the
segment for a second?

- Sure.
- So I was thinking

there's this story about my kids.

We were in Ireland,
and we were driving...

This feels like something
for Howard Stern.

What I want to talk to you about...

Are you okay? Your eyes
are getting a little...

I feel like I'm getting
a little bit of a migraine.

- Are you?
- Is there any water?

Yeah, just a second. I'm talking
about a collaboration here.

You and I should collaborate?

Yes, I've got an idea that
I think is pretty fresh.

Water would be so good.

Oh, I'm so glad you said water!

My God, the chemistry is unbelievable.

This is... this is chemistry?

Yeah. Oh, my God! We're, like,
finishing each other's sentences.

Or you're just talking at me.

- Oh!
- Water would be amazing.

Okay, well, see, water is the basis

of my idea for my blockbuster movie.

- Okay.
- Okay, close your eyes.

Like literally close my eyes?

Yeah, literally close your eyes.

- Picture a small New England town...
- Mm-hmm.

Surrounded by water.

There is a naked woman swimming,

and something is lurking beneath,

something in the form
of a great white shark.

- "Jaws."
- That's a great name.

I was gonna call it "Teethy," but...

No, but "Jaws" is the... The
most famous movie ever.

- Steven Spielberg directed it.
- I never saw it.

- You never saw "Jaws"?
- Nope.

That's... amazing.

- Spielberg directed it?
- It's all good. Yeah.

Great minds, right?

Yeah. Is there any water?
I'm, like, parched.

I get it. I get it. Every Hollywood
meeting needs bottled water.

Okay, I'm going to get that for
you, and you stay right there.

- All right.
- Okay, Jage?

- "Jage," okay.
- Okay.

Oh, well, we're gonna
work on my nickname,

but I love "Bubbles."

All right, Bubbles.

Holy [bleep].

[energetic band music]

[both:] Oh, Phillip.

Look what we've prepared.

- Ants on a log? That's my favorite.
- [Both:] Mm-hmm.

Now that our "Nightcap"
tenure is concluded...

We were wondering if your parents

might be in need of two personal chefs.

Well, can you make anything else?

My parents are real foodies.

- Can we?
- We have plenty of delectables

we haven't wasted on these heathens.

And we would love to serve them

to your beautiful family.

And we fully accept all the risks posed

by the Caribbean sun.

- We don't tan.
- We melanoma.

I'll ask Daddy.

But in the meantime,

let's get these ants
in my mouth. [laughs]

And the log they rode in on.

All right, Jage, I got you water.

Oh, thank you so much.

I was dusting off some of my old scrips,

and I think I might have a hit.

I mean, I know you're not
kind of a visual thinker,

so how about if you read
the stage directions?

I'll do all the parts.

- So this is happening now?
- Yeah.

Don't you need to do the pre-interview?

Oh, no, you're good. You're a pro.

[clears throat]

"Exterior: Rikers Island
prison yard, dusk.

"Inmates walk around the yard
playing basketball

"and shivving each other.

Blood everywhere."

Keep going. It'll make
sense in a minute.

[clears throat] "John Smith",

"the hermaphrodite warden,

"approaches famous inmate
Lucy 'Claws' McGee,

aka The Lobster Girl k*ller."

This is [bleep] weird.

Okay, well, this is actually
based on my true-life story.

What? You're The Lobster Girl k*ller?

Okay, well, I'm not a k*ller,

but, um, can this just be
between you and me?

Sure.

I was born with fused fingers...

You know, like oven mitts?

So I spent the first
ten years of my life

being called "Lobster Girl."

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's actually an amazing story.

You should do a movie about that.

I'm not gonna do a movie about it.

My God, it's taken me
years and shock therapy

just to... to get over it.

Do you know how many
dates I had to turn down

'cause they wanted to
meet me at Red Lobster?

No, but this is, like,
what Hollywood needs...

- Like, personal...
- J.J. it's a pass!

All right.

Don't put me through this again.

Just to be clear, I'm not
putting you through anything.

And, look, if you want
to do it your way,

which is totally fine,

you're gonna need a big star, so...

I can get you a big star.

Wait, what?

I am a talent booker.

I can get you a star.

But it's got to be before I leave, okay?

'Cause that's how fast
these things work.

It's on, partner.

Oh, it's so on, Jage.

Thanks, Bubbles.

[energetic brass music]

Hey, hey, we got to deal with tomorrow.

So Charlie Rose says
he'll take his shirt off

for the sketch, but
Lauer's not gonna do it.

He had some kind of waxing mishap.

Hello?

Oh, so you're just never
gonna speak to me again?

If you want to know what I have to say,

why don't you just read my
private, intimate diaries?

Shame on you, Staci Cole.

Penny...

How could you just go through them

and not tell me what you
were gonna do with them?

- Okay, about the...
- You're terrible.

All you care about is
the millions of dollars

that you're gonna make off of the book.

You really think it's
gonna do that well?

While the rest of us have nothing.

Uh-uh-uh, not entirely.

Guess who I'm gonna
dedicate the book to.

Penny.

How could you just go
through my personal things?

I feel so violated.

Penny, I'm not gonna tell anybody

that you have a crush on Tim Allen.

I'm over him, by the way,
but it's not just about that.

It's that when you found
out what was going on,

you didn't even try to save the show.

You just jumped on this book deal.

We both know that if you write
this tell-all book, that's it.

Your career as a talent booker is over.

You know what time it is?

It's time for baby bird to fly away.

[chirping]

You have gotten a lot of
experience from working here.

You can go out and get any job you want.

These are all of my
rejected job applications.

Did you try Craigslist?

♪

Hey, Christie.

I brought these for you.

So... whatcha reading?

Oh, I'm just reading some
film scripts for Jimmy.

Can I ask you a question?

Why are you so adamant about
Jimmy leaving this show?

- You're joking, right?
- No.

The show's a sinking ship.

I mean, it was cool when it started,

but Jimmy's outgrown it.

What about everybody
that works on the show?

He's gonna take care of everybody.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He's getting everybody

floating basketball
sets for their pools.

For their pools?

The people that work on the show

live in tiny apartments in Queens.

Well, so they send it to their house

in LA or the Hamptons.

What about everybody's jobs?

Oh, I talked to Jimmy about that.

And?

He doesn't give a [bleep].

♪

♪

Penny!

- Hear no evil, Todd.
- [grunts]

Penny, I'm sorry for
taking your diaries.

And for betraying your trust.

And it'll never happen again.

Jesus Christ, Penny!

Do you want to save the show or not?

Wait, what?

Listen, I was thinking, okay?

The only reason Jimmy is
leaving is 'cause of Christie.

We get rid of Christie, Jimmy stays.

But what about your book?

Oh, [bleep] my book.

[gasps] Yeah!

Oh, my God!

Your boobs are so much
bigger than I thought!

Yeah! Yeah! [laughs]

- Jesus!
- Oh, what is that smell?

It's you.

Oh, yeah.

Oops.

♪

I just learned a lot
reading these diaries.

- Like what?
- Well, number one,

you spend way too much
time in the Cry Closet.

And number two, Jimmy's the biggest
assh*le in the whole world.

Yeah, but we knew all of that already.

Yes, honey, but Christie
Brinkley does not know.

I'm gonna have her read these diaries,

realize what a jerk he is.

She's going to leave him, and
I'll have saved "Nightcap."

[laughs]

"And right after the show,

"Staci served the birthday cake.

Todd told her Jimmy peed on it."

Oh, my God.

I know, Christie.

I didn't want to be
the one to reveal it,

but Jimmy is so...

So funny.

Oh, what did you do about the pee cake?

Well, I... I slapped it out
of Barbara Bush's hands.

Such a mind for political satire.

It wasn't political satire.

"June , .

"Stephen Hawking was tonight's guest.

"After the show, Jimmy lured Mr. Hawking

"to the roof of the studio
and locked him up there

in the freezing rain for two hours."

Hawking was diagnosed with
pneumonia after that,

and his wheelchair was rusted solid.

Hawking deserved it.

He cheated on his wife in that movie.

Oh, Officer Phil.

How lovely to see you again.

May we entice your taste buds

with some delicious blinis

topped with a dollop of
crème fraiche and caviar?

Beluga.

That's my father's favorite.

Mmm!

This is as good as Uncle
Boris used to get.

Uncle Boris has a wonderful palate.

Yeah, most Russian oligarchs do.

Have you spoken to your father?

Yes.

Did you ask him about
hiring us for the boat?

[chuckles] Oh!

Yes.

What'd he say?

Father said he would hire you.

But only one of you.

I am just terrible at making decisions,

so will you two choose?

If you father will only have one of us,

then he will have neither of us.

We came into this world together,

and we'll be damned if we
don't go out the same way.

Okay.

I just never thought the show
was gonna end this way,

you know, Penny?

Me neither.

Nor me.

Davis, how much longer
do you think we have?

Well, Miss Thing is reading

all kinds of "smart scripts" for Jimmy,

so it could be any day now.

Well, legally, there are some things

that still need to be undone...

Affiliate agreements, his contract,

and some other marketing commitments.

You're so calm about this.

Penny, it's the nature of the
business we're in. Always changing.

I forget you're used to bouncing

from one job to the next.

So you're just gonna go to
another [bleep] show, right?

Yeah, there's a new
Katherine Heigl project

in the works.

Let me tell you something, Penny.

Take note.

This is a perfect example

of network executive bull[bleep].

This is why the industry

is going down the toilet.

Davis will go from show to show,

doing his whole Infinity song and dance,

and everyone's going to listen to him,

just like we did.

Staci, you're the best
talent booker I've ever seen.

My Infinity stuff doesn't matter

if you can't actually book the guest.

It's true, Staci.

You're the best.

I just wish you could book
your way out of this one.

That's not a bad idea.

What do you do when a guest cancels?

- Drink.
- Cry.

You book another guest.

I am not booking another
threesome for Jimmy.

No, we need to book someone
to come between them.

- Who?
- Think about it.

What does she want from him?

We're not sure, but she's
definitely getting syphilis.

To be a part of a
Hollywood power couple.

So what if we find a better partner

for that purpose?

We need to find a better Jimmy for her.

I feel like I'm on "Mr. Robot."

Since she wants to be one
half of a power couple,

we just need to find a compatible celeb

whose Infinity score, when
combined with hers...

[gasps] Oh, my God.

You're right.

It becomes an instantaneous
power couple, like Brangelina

- or TomKat or Bennifer.
- Exactly.

But all of those couples are broken up.

It doesn't matter. The point
is, we just need someone

to come in and get
this wench out of here

so Jimmy can just go
back to banging whores

and memorizing hacky monologue jokes.

Ah!

Bingo.

That's her new Jimmy?

The Infinity system is never wrong.

Staci, you think you could book this?

- [stirring music]
- Davis, I'm Staci Cole.

I'm the best talent
booker in the business.

Save us, Staci.

♪

Oh, Rachael Ray,

we are so excited to have you.

Thank you for coming
on such short notice.

It's no big deal.

- We really appreciate it.
- So much.

Okay, thank you. I mean,
I don't have a whole lot

of new stuff going on to promote.

I just really love the opportunity

to give Jimmy [bleep].

Well, Jimmy's a total d*ck, so...

But I actually didn't book you
to be on the show tonight.

I kind of booked you to
fall in love with someone.

What?

Presenting...

Christie Brinkley!

Hi. Nice to see you again.

- How are you?
- Great.

- You look fabulous, as always.
- You too.

Ladies, please be seated.

Okay.

What... what am I doing here?

You are here to fall
in love with Christie.

- Wait, what?
- What?

I mean, no, not really fall in love,

but, you know, fall in fake love.

You know, just for the cameras.

I don't understand.

Miss Ray, Davis Maxfield.
Let me clarify.

- Uh-huh.
- You and Christie both have

respectable Infinity ratings.

But they could always be better.

Now, when your numbers are
run through the algorithm

as a couple, your
respective numbers sh**t up

into the s; that's like

Barack Obama territory or Bindi Irwin.

Yeah.

What's an Affinity rating?

No, it's an Infinity rating.

Oh, you know about it?

Yeah, I kind of have to.

It aggregates box office receipts,

TV ratings, and social media engagement

into an algorithm that tells
you how popular you are.

If your Infinity ratings go up,

then you boost your ratings.

- Yes.
- I'm already with a celebrity.

Yes, you are with a celebrity,

but he's a loser.

He's on a flailing network.

He's never gonna be anything
more than he is right now.

Everybody hates him. But
everybody loves Rachael.

Imagine if you were in a fake
relationship with Rachael!

It would be a PR bonanza!

Christie and Rachael, Chrachael.

You'd be in this great,
phenomenal, global

fake relationship.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I love my husband.

Well, husbands do come and go.

It would be fun to be
one of those people,

you know, that everybody's
kind of buzzing about.

- You got that right.
- No, I... I...

I mean, it would be kind of fun, maybe,

to do some traveling.

- We could travel.
- Yes.

I like traveling.

- Yes.
- And it wouldn't hurt to be

an international superstar couple.

What's it gonna be, Christie?

[gasps]

Tell Jimmy it's over.

I'm in love with the idea of
being in love with Rachael Ray.

Whoo!

Oh, my God, we're gonna do this!

[Staci and Penny cheering]

Oh, my God.

♪

Well, we saved the show

and created a new lesbian
power couple to boot.

- [all talking]
- Hear, hear.

To the dysfunctional
home we call "Nightcap."

[all:] To the dysfunctional
home we call "Nightcap."

Have a great show, everybody.

Oh, Staci, can I talk to
you just for a second?

I just wanted to say I am so sorry

for ever doubting your intentions.

Oh, Penny, they were bad intentions.

I'm really sorry.

And let me tell you something.

If I ever write some great tell-all book

about "Nightcap," I'm
gonna write it with you.

Oh, thank you.

- split.

Okay.

I'm so happy to have my life back.

You mean your life of
standing in the shadow

of an egomaniacal monster

who has complete control
over your financial well-being

and has never shown you
an ounce of respect?

[chuckles] Yeah.

The only bummer about the book deal is,

I have to pay back the whole advance.

You spent all that money already?

Um, excuse me.

Riverboat cruises are
incredibly expensive.

- Staci?
- Yes.

Isn't the show in, like, minutes?
What's my interview?

Oh, my God, J.J., I am
so sorry about before.

I am never gonna pitch to you again.

I was just in a really
weird space in my life.

All right.

Anyway, I'm totally
gonna make it up to you.

Here I am: professional,
Staci, talent booker.

Tell me about your story in Ireland.

You were on a meadow.

Staci, there's a guy here

who says he has a meeting
with J.J. Abrams

and his new producing partner.

[dramatic music]

♪

Oh, hey, Mark.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I forgot to cancel the meeting
about our movie pitch.

Mark, it's Hollywood.

These things happen.
Let it go. Trust me.

♪

Mark, I'm sorry about the mix-up.

More like an outright lie.

Well, copy that, but I do have something

that maybe I can make it up to you.

Picture this.

A riverboat on a European river,

cruising down.

You, Mark, are the rugged,
sun-kissed captain.

Can I still be a hermaphrodite?

Yes, you can!

- Let's go to the car.
- Oh, my gosh.

J.J., I'm gonna send you a first draft.

Okay.

Produced by J.J., starring Mark Hamill.

Oh, Staci, you are good.

You're good.

[whispers] And pretty.