02x16 - Dirtbike Old Mechanic Earthquake

[bunniefuu]

JEN: What's that?

Oh, wow, your old bedroom junk.

Is your dad finally turning it

into the tiki bar
he's always dreamed of?

It was either a tiki bar
or a retro airport lounge

and Mom didn't want to go
through an X ray machine

every time she entered the house.

Trapper Keeper, dude?

Man, remember when a flap and
Velcro counted as technology?

(chuckles)

Ooh! Look what I found.

(gasps)

Wow!

This is money for my th birthday

that I was convinced Matthew had stolen.

Well good thing he didn't,
that's, like, bucks.

I mean, that could go to,
like, Lark's college fund.

I got a better idea.

What is that?

This is what I would've spent
my th birthday money on.

You want to hop in the
back, babe? Go for a ride?

Just kidding, doesn't
work. (clears throat)

But do not worry.

Because I'm gonna restore it.

Why does it smell like
gas if it doesn't run?

Ah, the previous owner
was trying to burn it.

So, yeah.

Don't smoke around it.

Well, my tiki bar's almost ready.

Next brunch, we're gonna have

a steel drum playing in the corner.

John, I said no to the steel drum.

Well, then, we're gonna have
a Rastafarian in the corner

doing nothing.

GREG: Oh, hey, by the way,

- Matt, you'll like this.
- Hmm.

I found my th birthday money

in an old Trapper Keeper.

- (chuckles)
- You what?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, I
thought that Matt took that money.

Yeah, you know, I did
too. But it turns out

I've had it this whole time. (laughs)

So I used the money to buy

the dirt bike that I've always wanted.

You know, so it all worked out.

Oh, it all worked out?

Do you know how long I
was grounded for that?

Not long enough to learn your lesson.

He just said I didn't do it.

I didn't see evidence of that.

'Cause he spent it on a dirt bike.

Greg, just apologize to your brother.

You know his anger issues.

I never had any anger issues
until I was wrongly accused.

Whoa, okay, Matt.

I am sorry. Geez, wow.

I didn't think you'd be so upset.

Beautiful apology.

Way to take the high road, kid.

Oh... Do you know

that my entire reputation in
this family changed on that day?

Suddenly, we were the good
son, the bad son and the slut.

- Mm.
- Really, Heather?

Oh, come on, babe. We had sex
in your car on our first date.

You can't be that surprised.

Oh, for God's sake.

Look, I was a stupid little kid,

and I apologize.

What more do you want?

- You can give me the bike.
- What?

So I can smash it like
you smashed my reputation.

Oh, no way. I am restoring it.

You know what you can't restore?
You can't restore my childhood.

- Greg, give me the bike.
- No.

Imagine how much nicer
this fight would be

with steel drums playing.

No.

GREG: Pretty romantic dinner

we're having. Just you and me

and no Lark in a baby seat.

Yeah, if only I could get
you out of your baby seat.

Nuh-uh. No way. No way I'm
letting this out of my sight,

now that I know that Matt wants it.

Just give it to him, Greg.
I mean, I don't want this

to come out the wrong way, but Matt,

he's got nothing.

You know, I mean,
sure, he's got Colleen,

but who knows for how long.

Whoa, you don't think that they're...

Point is, if trashing this
bike is gonna get your brother

to move past this, isn't that worth it?

No.

I mean, especially if I can
find a little mini sidecar

for this thing, I'm gonna be
the coolest dad on the block.

(exhales)

No.

It's like he's hurt.

Like he wants me to follow him.

Be careful, that's vintage.

(door closes)

Dude, what the hell was that for?

You know exactly what that was for.

Now you've angered the tiki gods.

This year's banana crop is gonna suck.

Good job, Matt. Look what you did.

What are you talking about?
You're the one who pushed me.

Hey, hey!

What's going on in here?

Greg pushed me and broke the tiki god.

Is that true, Greg?

Yeah, but only because
Matthew stole my dirt bike.

- Wha...?
- JOAN: Is that true, Matt?

Did you steal his dirt bike?

What? Of course not.

You said, in front of everyone,

that you wanted to smash it.

We all heard you, Matt.

How can you be so petty?

Wha... I didn't do anything, I swear.

It's like my th
birthday all over again.

Yeah, but I didn't take your
money, you said so yourself.

Well, maybe now I'm not so sure.

Maybe you hid it from
me this whole time.

Did you do that, Matt?

Did you hide his money in
the back of his Trapper Keeper

so he wouldn't be able to find it?

Did you?

Excuse me.

I'm gonna go in search
of my birth family.

You gonna steal from them, too?

Hey. What are you doing?

Oh, you know, just cleaning up
my dirt bike oil with my tears.

Oh, yeah, that got all over
the inside of my car, too.

Wait, why was it in your car?

Oh, well, I'm getting
it restored for you.

I-I didn't know what to get you
for your birthday next month,

and I just figured it
was better than socks.

Oh, this is terrible.

Well, I can still get you the socks.

I just, I hate spending money on them

when you won't clip your toenails.

No, no, no, I just accused Matthew

of stealing it.

No, again?

Well, you have to go
apologize to him now.

Or you and I can move
far, far away from here

and never see my family again.

I have a go bag in the garage,

we can be out of here in minutes.

Okay.

Wait, a go bag?

Let's go, let's go!

Huh.

John?

I can't find my wedding ring.

I've turned the whole house upside down.

Oh, your ring's right here.

- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.

Heather brought it over.

Oh! I must've over-lotioned.

My jewelry's been falling off all day.

No. No, you baked it into the
banana bread that you gave them.

Oh, dear.

This didn't go through Tim, did it?

All I know is she didn't
want to embarrass you.

Why would that embarrass me?

Uh, because Heather said
you were getting old,

uh, and also, um...

uh, it did go through Tim.

There's my future Olympian!

I don't want to be in
the Olympics, Mom-Mom.

I want to be ready

- for the zombie apocalypse.
- Fun.

You won't say âfunâ
when you have to choose

between family and survival.

Oh, well.

Let's hit the road.

Hey, Mom, why-why don't
you let me drive her today?

You know, it's-it's dark
when her class gets out,

and it's hard to see that off-ramp.

Why don't you get going,
sweetie? We're gonna be late.

Okay.

Oh, I get it.

I'll just stay home,

and I'll separate my pills
for every day of the week.

It's good to keep busy.

All right, let's go.

Bye, Mom, love you.

Hmm.

Five, six, seven.

JOAN: She thinks I'm old

because I'm .

, ... oh, Joanie, damn it.

Now you made me lose count.

Now it's all guess work till Monday.

Do you think I'm old, John?

Well, you're not new, except
for your hips and your knee.

No, I'm making mistakes that
any normal person would make,

but because of my age,

she's suddenly writing
me off like I'm old.

Isn't that how you treated your mother?

She was old.

So, talk to Heather about it.

You know zip about
mother/daughter relationships.

It's not about talking.

It's about teaching a lesson
through total humiliation.

HEATHER: Mom, honestly,
I-I could have driven.

Nonsense. It's still daylight,

so all the blurry objects
are still quite bright.

(chuckles)

How am I on your side, dear?

HEATHER: I think we're good.

Yep.

(loudly): I hope they
have a purple sweat suit

that doesn't show the stains.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't know about
that, Mom, but what about this?

In your size. Cute, right?

It's a little showy.

Do they have anything with cats on it?

Now you're talking, Mom-Mom.
Very loudly, by the way.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Mom-Mom, what are you doing?

It's okay, it's okay.

Mom, you look great.

Let's go buy that, and you
don't have to take it off.

- Hold on.
- Yeah.

I want to try on these pants.

Do you think this is like the shoe store

where you have to be wearing a sock?

I'm like a kid in a candy shop.

(chuckles nervously)

Ugh.

She did it again.

I know, I know, just
leave Mom-Mom alone, okay?

What was that, Heather?

Oh, I was just saying maybe
you want some hard candies.

Oh, I already have some.

Mom, did you pay for those?

JOAN: Look, a Chico's.

I am so sorry.

Come on, honey, follow her,

follow her, go, go, go, go, go.

Mom?

Mom-Mom.

God, where the hell is she?

This just happened so quickly.

I thought you could
only lose little kids.

Well, at a certain point, adults
become like little kids again.

(train whistle blows)

Do you mean like that?

All aboard!

Next stop, Zales!

Ma'am, you need to
take a three-hour course

to operate the mall choo-choo!

- (whistle blows)
- Mom, what-what are you doing?

You can't steal the mall train.

I'm just being the crazy
old lady you think I am.

What-What are you talking about?

I don't think you're a crazy old lady.

I've been acting senile all day

and you haven't said a word.

You just kept letting it slide.

I thought I could count on you.

Mom, you-you can count on me.

I was trying to protect your feelings.

Never, ever treat me like an old lady,

because the moment you do,
that's when I become one,

and I'm a long way from that.

- (chuckles)
- You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Ma'am? I need you to wait
here until the police arrive.

Billy?

Is it you?

Billy, is the w*r over?

- Oh, Billy, you're home.
- Oh.

- Oh, no, she has really lost it.
- Oh, Billy, Billy.

- Oh, you're home.
- Oh, Mom, Mom.

Come on, we're gonna go back

to the lollipop castle.

(whispering): That's
what we call the home.

Thank you.

Okay, let's go.

It's a very distinct
loud, buzzy-rattly sound,

like, um, like a
rattlesnake on a game show.

You know what, I bet they
already have that in Japan.

I'm sorry,

but your car's not making the noise.

You mean you couldn't find

the source of the noise.

No, there's no noise.

And I can't fix something
if I can't find it.

So, you're just not gonna fix my car?

We only fix cars that are broken here.

Well, that's quite a policy.

Thank you for your help.

(buzzy-rattly noise starts)

You're kidding me! Come on!

Where are you at?!

The point is,

this auto mechanic didn't think

I knew what I was talking about

because I'm a woman, which made me feel

really terrible because I didn't
know what I was talking about.

Yeah, you see, you can't
let this guy get away

with treating you this way.

You need to retaliate in
the place that matters most.

Go after his kids?

JEN: Wow.

No, didn't see that one coming.

- Yeah, that went dark fast.
- Oh, well, what else?

No, I was thinking just
going online and, like,

ripping him a new one.

Oh. I like that.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

"Jeser and Sons Auto Repair,

rate your experience."

(clears throat) One star.

"My mechanic, Dabney,

was rude and unhelpful."

Ooh! I've got shivers; it's so real now.

Oh. Well, one star could get him fired,

and I don't want to ruin his career.

I just want to teach
him a lesson. Two stars.

Well, that's still bad.

Of course, I don't know what
kind of day he was having.

And he... he was honest,

which takes a lot of courage.

Three stars.

Well, there's power in
kindness, too, but...

Who am I to judge? I don't
know anything about cars.

He even saved me money. Four stars.

And you know, in this day and age,

people are so focused on the negative,

I want to be part of
the solution. Five stars.

"Dabney couldn't help me, but
I am sure he can help you."

(exhales loudly)

That feels good.

Thank you so much, Jen.

You know, if you really want
to teach this guy a lesson,

send him a nice gift basket.

Do you think that would work?

No.

- I don't hear it.
- Shh!

Ugh, it's like the car
knows there's a man in here

and wants me to look dumb.

Okay, well let's not float

that theory in front of the mechanic.

You don't get it, Matt.

You're a straight, white male.

No one has ever talked
to you like you're dumb.

Except for you, right now.

My fiancé thought that
you'd take me more seriously

if I had a man by my side.

But I say,

hell no.

I have something just as good as a man:

I have three women.

Do they have car problems, too?

Well, not today.

But maybe someday.

And where they gonna
spend their money? Here?

Where they're treated like fools?

Or at a garage where all
humans are treated as equal?

Endowed by their creator
with certain "inalnable..."

unanaba...

Inalienable rights.

She did it right on the way over.

Maybe you don't hear
that noise, but I hear it.

And I hear it.

And I hear it.

And I hear it.

Can we speed this along?

I'm a very busy women's rights activist.

I'm so sorry, I'm almost done.

That sound you don't hear...

Okay, okay.

I'm happy to take another look.

Thank you.

- Yes!
- JOAN: Oh, gosh,

I have to release some of
that negative body language.

Oh.

Ah-ee!

Moving in a circle really does
make me feel my feminine power.

Okay.

You were right.

There was a sound.

(gasps) I knew it!

- Good for you, dear!
- Well, what was it?

Oh, don't even worry about
it, I just took care of it.

- No charge.
- No, tell me. Or, what?

Does the little lady not
know what engine names are?

Well, I was trying to be
sensitive, but, uh, trapped in

- between your seat and the console...
- Uh-huh?

was, uh, this personal massager.

(vibrating)

(clears throat, vibrating stops)

I used to have a longer commute.

We don't need to steal a bus.

We've got talent.

We're like the von Trapp family,

except the French
aren't trying to k*ll us.

- Did you even watch that movie?
- No.

TIM: Whoa! You guys feel that?

It's an earthquake!

Drill!

(kids groan)

You said we were going to
Chinatown for dumplings.

Yeah, and Triple Dragon has
the best "dumps" in town.

I know you think that
shortening words is cool,

but it's not.

That's exactly why you
don't have a "boyf."

All right, no dumplings.

When a . earthquake hits,

the Hugheses will be ready.

And since you all "d*ed"
in my tsunami drill,

this is your big chance at redemption.

Everyone d*ed in your tsunami drill.

Yeah, well, it was a tsunami.

Now hand over your wallets
and your phones and get out.

Mom was on board with this?

Eh, your mother got
to pick the last movie,

so I get this.

Come on, out.

Out you go.

You all need to make it home,
relying only on each other

and your wits to survive.

And I pray that at least two
of you make it home alive.

And I hope one of that one of those two

is Sophia.

Good luck!

Aftershock!

Ah!

(Tim laughs)

Okay.

I guess he's really not coming back.

What a strange parenting decision.

What do we do now?

I know, we can steal a car.

I say we call Clem to come get us.

See, guys? No downside
to getting married early.

If you guys had husbands,
we'd call them, but you don't.

Uh, e-excuse me...

No, that's cheating. That guy's useless.

Unless we're gonna eat him.

SAMANTHA: I saw it online.

You remove the plastic cover

from the steering column,

find the wiring harness...

We are not stealing a car.

Well, I can't jack one without a g*n.

How about we use that
thing my gym teacher uses

to call the woman who isn't his wife?

(sighs)

You guys don't happen to know

Clem's number, do you?

You don't know your
own wife's phone number?

Why would I need to know
it? She's in my contacts.

And who uses a real phone
other than prisoners?

I'm sure Mom-Mom will come pick us up.

What's Mom-Mom's phone number?

Do any of us know anyone's phone number?

I know .

We could report Dad for child abuse.

No...

One, two, three, four.

ALL: ♪ Children of the quake, yeah ♪

- ♪ Children of the quake ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Livin' on a fault ♪
- ALL: ♪ With no one to blame. ♪

They seem kind of well-off
to be begging for money,

- don't you think?
- Little one's got highlights.

What do we got?

Just a picture of a mushroom

with two walnuts at the... bottom.

Oh. No.

_

TYLER: Where did you get that?

The guy under the overpass
sold it to me for a dollar.

You had a dollar?

Yeah, I always keep a dollar in my shoe.

To support my candy habit.

You kids are adorable.

- (laughter)
- Thank you.

Oh, thank you so much.

That-that's really gonna help us out.

Oops.

Come and get it.

Looks like your drapes
match my curtains.

I didn't like that.

Nothing I touched felt
the way I expected.

I can't believe we had to grab
your other arm to pull you out.

Here, Dad gave me some hand sanitizer.

Sophia!

And a phone.

You had that phone the whole time?

Yeah.

Dad said to use it in
case of an emergency,

like if there's a real earthquake.

But I didn't want to.

Well, I didn't want to watch
Tyler cheat on Clementine

with that other woman, but I did.

Don't you say that.
Don't you dare say that.

I'm sorry, it's just
that the three of us

never hang out anymore.

I mean, Sam,

you have your acting,
and boxing, and school,

and friends,

and Tyler, you're married, and...

that's... well, that's it.

But today was just like
old times, you know?

When we were kids.

You know, maybe this drill
doesn't have to end quite yet.

(kids laughing)

These are so good.

I know, they almost make me forget

I felt up an old lady.

Nope, there it is.

(Samantha laughs)

(phone ringing)

It's Dad.

Let me handle this.

(Russian accent): If you ever
want to see your kids again,

meet me at Triple Dragon in minutes.

And bring cash.

Can you pass the soy sauce, please?

Eh.

Heather!

That thing you said
could happen is happening!