02x14 - Nightmare On Fillmore Street

[bunniefuu]

[GRUNTING]

[EXHALING RAPIDLY]

- [GASPING]
- Oh!

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

[GASPS]

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

"The pioneers were the
first people to settle

in the North American frontier."

Well, technically, it
was the Native Americans,

but in public school, we only
recognize them at Thanksgiving.

- Ms. Snap?
- Yes?

What are you supposed to be?

I am sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

And I order you to pay
attention to this lesson!

[GASPS]

- [GAVEL CLATTERS]
- Okay.

"Most pioneers traveled
West along the Oregon trail,

but some traveled to... California.

Which brings us to the most infamous

tragedy of westward
migration: The Donner Party."

- [THUNDER CLAPS]
- Ooh. Oops.

Hold on.

What happened to the Donner Party?

One second, guys. This won't refresh.

Um...

No internet connection?
Where are we, Botswana?

No service either?

Are you kidding me?

Is everything okay, Ms. Snap?

No. We've lost Wi-Fi!

But what happened to the Donner Party?

I don't know, okay!

I don't know anything without Google!

- [THUNDER CLAPS]
- [SCREAMS]

What are you supposed to be anyway?

S&M Downton Abbey?

I'm Goody Proctor from "The Crucible."

It's a fun little reminder of
the dangers of mass hysteria.

The Wi-Fi is out!

It's the storm. No one has service.

Pearson called someone,
but they don't know

when they can come out.

This is a nightmare.

How am I supposed to teach my kids

without YouTube or Wikipedia?

- Uh, use a book?
- Get serious, Cecilia.

Books are for losers on
public transportation.

Besides, where am I gonna get a book?

Bookstores don't exist anymore.

You could try the school's library.

We have a library?

Yeah, but no one's
been inside for years.

I heard they found the
librarian, Mrs. Foley's

dead, rotting body after
she fell off a ladder

while shelving books.

She was decomposing
in the stacks for weeks

before anyone even
noticed she was missing.

They say the R volume of
the Encyclopedia Britannica

crushed her trachea.

That was always my favorite detail.

Okay, well, I'm clearly
not going in there.

Though I may look the part,
I'm not some hot, naive teen

ready to get k*lled in a slasher movie.

You have to go in
there if you want to get

reference materials for today.

Shh. Do you hear that?

[WHOOSHING, DISTANT EERIE WHISPERS]

Oh, no, not again.

Cecelia, I thought you were
going to hide her boom box?

I thought you were going to do it!

Every year.

Why does she have to ruin
this sacred holiday every year?

Hold onto your butts.

♪ And to my big surprise
they danced around ♪

♪ They did the shuffle,
they did the spooky shuffle ♪

♪ The spooky shuffled
caused quite a kerfuffle ♪

The Spooky Shuffle's back, baby!

And I'm gonna be pumping it all day long

to get you ghouls into the spirit.

[LAUGHS EVILLY AND SNICKERS]

Someone set me on fire for real.

[ROCK TONES]

Hey! I made extra kale cookies.

Want me to bring some to
your class's Halloween party?

No, I like my students this year.

Why would I want to punish them?

Well, look at us!

Don't we make quite a pair?

Robin Hood and Maid Marian! How cute!

- Did you guys plan this?
- What? No!

We are not a pair!

We just happened to be dressed

as a famous couple
from English folklore!

♪ It's the spooky shuffle,
the spooky shuffle ♪

- ♪ It caused quite a kerfuffle ♪
- Spooky.

♪ We did the spooky shuffle,
the spooky shuffle ♪

Every year.

[DOOR CREAKING]

Okay. I literally never
knew this was here.

[GASPS AND SHRIEKS]

Chelsea, it's just a spider
web, not a spider vein.

Okay, those shorts are not
doing your hips any favors.

[GASPS AND SHRIEKS]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Chelsea, get it together.

Oh! [GASPS]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

It's a book, dumbass.

- [DRAMATIC TONES]
- [SCREAMS]

Oh, hell no! Ain't
nobody got time for this!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[COFFEE POT RATTLING]

Have you guys ever, like, seen a ghost?

A ghost?

Yeah, you know, someone
who's dead, but then, like...

You saw them in person?

Chelsea, are you taking Fen-phen again?

No, I take a natural supplement

that happens to be sold on the dark web.

Look, I know that this sounds crazy,

but this morning when I went
to the library to get a book

on the American Frontier,

I'm pretty sure I saw Mrs. Foley.

- She's dead.
- I know.

I think I saw her ghost.

I once thought I was being
haunted by a ghost Chihuahua.

She would come into my room at night

and she just wouldn't
stop barking at me.

But it turned out that my mom

just got a Chihuahua and didn't tell us.

Chelsea, you're probably just on edge

because the Wi-Fi is
out and it's Halloween.

Right. Because you
can't see dead people.

Right?

Ah, Maid Marian, I've
been looking for you!

Would you be interested
in playing a game

of doubles tennis after school?

My herniated disk is feeling better.

[GASPS AND MOANS]

Why would we play doubles tennis?

That doesn't even make
sense. We are not a team.

Okay. Sheesh.

Right... [STAMMERS] It
was silly of me to ask.

I better go make sure

the boys aren't urinating
in the pumpkins again.

What was that?

And why are you two dressed
in a couple's costume?

Is there something
going on between you two?

What? No.

We did not plan our costumes.

Nothing is going on. Gross.

Whoa. Wait.

Did you hook up with Principal Pearson?

You hooked up with Principal Pearson.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

I can't believe you hooked
up with Principal Pearson!

No, I didn't!

And stop saying his name!

Okay, fine.

I didn't hook up with him, but...

last night, I had a sex dream about him.

[ALL GASP]

- Rank!
- I know.

In your dream, was
Principal Pearson... naked?

I don't want to talk about it.

- [GASPS]
- Caroline.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

People have sex dreams all the time.

I know, but people have sex dreams

about people they want to have sex with!

And I have no interest in Toby.

Toby?

Like how naked?

You're probably subconsciously
attracted to him.

You two are very similar.

Sometimes dreams tell
us things about ourselves

we don't even know.

That's how I figured out I was
attracted to Tony the Tiger.

What? He's built.

There's no way...

I don't like him like that... at all.

At all.

Just to confirm,

naked means no clothes,

including the flute and the maracas?

One more time, people!

♪ I was walking through the graveyard ♪
♪ Halloween night ♪

♪ When from out of the grave... ♪

Mary Louise, I can hear that stupid song

all the way from my trailer!

[MUSIC STOPS]

I was trying to teach my students

about this sacred Wiccan day
that your people stole from us.

Come on, Deb!

It's Billy Swish's one-hit wonder!

Halloween's just a fun goofball holiday.

What's the big deal?

How dare you insult the
closure of the harvest?

Halloween is an atrocity
against my faith.

This is supposed to be a dark
day where the Earth sleeps

and we remember the dead.

But enjoy your princess costumes.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Oh, still no service? What's next?

Picking our food off trees to eat?

[CREAKING]

What was that?

So what happened to the Donner Party?

I don't know, Dale.

The only party I know
about is "Party of Five."

And that wasn't always a
party. They were orphans.

Was it difficult to
travel on the Oregon Trail?

I don't know, but in the computer game

everyone had dysentery.

Why did some people go to Oregon

and some people go to California?

About the Donner Party...

Let's play a game. It's
called "stop asking questions."

- Why?
- You just lost, Rhoda!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SCREAMS]

Okay, new game.

Everyone pile your desks
in front of the door

and form a protective
shield around Ms. Snap!

Move it! We're in danger!

[ALL SCREAMING]

- Hello.
- Yes?

Are you feeling okay?

I'm fine.

Can I help you?

Oh, um... I came by to pick up

the candy apples you brought.

I've been dying to get
my hands on them all day.

I can never get enough
of your sweet treats.

[STRAINING]

- [GRUNTING]
- [MOANING]

Oh, peas and rice!

Get your filthy hands off my apples!

I thought you said the apples

were for me and the office staff?

No! No more sweet
treats from Maid Marian!

Get out!

Go!

♪ He did the spooky shuffle,
the spooky shuffle ♪

♪ It caused quite a kerfuffle,
the spooky shuffle ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

Hey, Debo. Sorry.

We were just gonna
play it one more time,

but we got caught up in the kerfuffle.

[FORCED LAUGH]

My people didn't go through
, years of oppression

to have to listen to this
garbage on our Holy Day.

Have a blessed Samhain.

That was my only copy.

Mary Louise, what happened to your tape?

- A witch got it.
- What the F?

You guys, I am being
haunted by Mrs. Foley!

- What?
- I think your waist trainer

is cutting off the oxygen
supply to your brain.

Shut up. This morning,

when I went to the library,
I saw Mrs. Foley's ghost.

And then this afternoon
when I was trying to teach

without Wi-Fi, which, by the way,

is impossible,

she appeared in my classroom.

- That's so scary.
- Oh, no.

It sounds like you may have
encountered a restless spirit.

I dabble in amateur ghost
hunting on the weekends.

I'm sorry, I only believe
in metaphorical ghosts.

Like being haunted by your dreams.

Yeah, there's no such thing as ghosts.

If you saw something,
it was probably a demon.

Oh, Chelsea, I told you to get baptized!

I know no one believes
me, but I am not crazy!

Whoa, no one thinks
you're crazy, Chelsea.

[MOUTHING] She crazy.

Feldman, this is serious.

I really need to get
back in that library.

My kids are driving
me nuts with questions,

and I need one book on
the American Frontier

to get me through this day!

You're not going alone.

We're going with you.

I live for this sh*t.

[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Here we go.

Cold...

Cold.

Oh! Mary Louise!

Your holy water is ruining

my Ruth Bader Ginsberg smoky eye.

- Sorry.
- Cold... cold.

Warm... ooh, we're getting a reading.

You know, she might not
have been able to pass on.

[GLASS SHATTERING, ALL SHRIEK]

Sorry, dudes, my bad.

Feldman, that's school property.

Can we just keep moving?

My class is going to
be back from gym soon.

Let's just find you the book
you need and get out of here.

- Okay.
- Hold up.

We're getting a really
strong heat signature here.

Oh, my God. Mary Louise, you
need to stop with the water.

These bookshelves are filthy.

I'm gonna go get my feather duster.

- Hello there.
- [ALL SCREAM]

- Here, take her!
- Chelsea, why?

[ALL SCREAMING]

What's going on here?

Wait. You're alive?

Chelsea, are you kidding me?

Okay, you guys are the ones
who told me that she was dead!

She might be a demon trying to trick us.

That's how my Uncle Pat got
lured into a bathroom stall

by another man at O'Hare.

But you appeared in my classroom

and then just disappeared into thin air.

No, no, I just walked away.

You seemed so upset.

I haven't had a visitor here in a while

and I just wanted to be sure

that you found what
you were looking for.

Deb, did you...

It's holy water! Shut up.

Then why does everyone
think you're dead?

Because I've been forgotten,

just like my books.

Children used to burst
through these doors

- eager to explore.
- What happened?

In , a man from Hewlett Packard

came to Fillmore and installed
three personal computers.

And the rest is history.

Now people only care about

how fast they get their information,

not whether it's accurate.

Damn.

But the library never changed.

[MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ Take a stroll with me ♪

♪ Through these bookcases ♪

♪ The library is ♪

♪ The most magical of places ♪

Oh, wow, it's like a
harder, thicker magazine.

Embalming techniques of the s.

A microfiche!

Black people getting sprayed with hoses!

Gay people getting sprayed with hoses!

Feminists getting sprayed with hoses!

[ALL CHEERING]

It's good to have people
back in the library again.

It's good to be needed again.

The Donner Party got
snowed in for the winter

and had to eat each other.

Cool! Super cool!

Hey Deb, I was just thinking
it's pretty neat that

Halloween has its origins in the...

Pagan-Celtic festival of Samhain.

It's pronounced "Sah-wen."

And great job reading
that out of that book.

Rats! You caught me!

Look, I know you were
trying to hide it earlier,

but you seemed to get a
little annoyed with me.

Here's the thing.

I just love that Billy Swish song.

It was the first cool rock and roll song

I ever got to listen to.

The first time I heard
it, my body got all tingly

and I got this funny feeling down...

I get it! I had the same experience.

Except with Nine Inch Nails's "Hurt."

Mary Louise, I'm sorry.

It was a real assh*le move
of me to destroy your tape.

Here, I found this in
the music catalogue.

[GASPS] The Spooky Shuffle!

I'm back, baby!

Thanks, Deb. And don't worry.

I won't play it until I get home.

[SPOOKY VOICE] And that's a promise.

"Long Trips, Short Lives."
Oh, I love the pioneers.

Mind if I join you?

He's a good man.

He is, right?

Toby, can I talk to you out
in the hall for a moment?

Okay.

I wanted to apologize
for how I've been acting.

Have I done something wrong?

My tights made you uncomfortable, right?

The package said they were opaque.

No, no, that's not it.

But you were so mad.

Like Roberta when I used
to offer to take her coat

and she would say, "Get off of me!"

I'm sorry.

I promise it wasn't
that anything you did.

I...

I had a weird dream
about you last night.

You k*lled me, didn't you?

Roberta always dreamt of k*lling me.

No! No, it was a positive dream.

Then why were you upset?

This is embarrassing to admit,

but it was a...

sex dream.

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I know!

It's ridiculous.

No, no, it's not ridiculous.

I had a sex dream about you once.

I'm sorry.

That was rude of me to bring that up

and just leave it hanging like that.

You were magnificent.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, uh, well...

I have to...

I have to get back to the library.

[EXHALING]

Thank you for bringing your class here.

It means a lot.

No, thank you for opening my eyes

to the beauty of this place again.

It's so wonderful to see my students

engaging with each
other and excited to...

The Wi-Fi is back! We have Wi-Fi!

- Go!
- What?

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Get out of here! Come
on, come on, come on.

I have to Boomerang
now. Get out of my way!

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[DOLPHINS CHATTERING]

[GASPING]

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

Oh, yeah.