02x17 - Third Wheel

[bunniefuu]

[CLASSY PIANO MUSIC]

Thanks for another great date.

Here's to many, many, many,
many, many, many more.

To us.

- To us!
- [WOMEN LAUGH]

Oh. Mmm.
Are you gonna eat those shrimps?

Ugh, I friggin' love shrimp.

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm.

♪ Tear it down ♪

[SQUISH]

Who keeps pooping in the hallway?

Ding-dong.

I have a delivery here
for Ms. Mary Louise Bennigan.

That's me. I'm Ms. Mary Louise Bennigan.

And your name is?

Just kidding. I know you're name.

[GASPS] Wow. These are beautiful.

You must've gotten these
from a really fancy supermarket.

Ah, I went to a florist.

Oh, I can't take these.

- They're yours.
- Ah, I feel like I can't.

Yes!

Well, I came by to see

if you would like
to go out again tonight.

I'd love to.

Let me check and see if Chelsea's free.

Uh, actually, I wanted
to talk to you about that.

I know Chelsea's your friend...

- Best friend.
- Right.

But she's been on most
of our dates so far.

- Just four.
- Out of five.

And I was wondering if tonight...

it could just be the two of us.

I'd love that, but I don't think Chelsea

has anything else lined up.

And she just got kicked off Tinder

for having all three private
areas as her profile picture.

Wow.

Uh, well, I'm sure she'll be fine.

- She is an adult.
- She prefers advanced teen.

This is gonna be rough.

Oh, this happens every year.

That was the third rogue poop this week.

Actually, fourth.

Mr. Spinnoli stepped
in a hot human turd.

That's why he stopped wearing Tevas.

It's got to be Bradley G.

He and his friends pooped
all over the school last year.

I've got a plan.

We'll monitor all the boys in school,

listen in on their conversations,

search their desks,
watch their online activity,

do whatever it takes.

Isn't that kind of an invasion
of their privacy?

[SCOFFS] Students' rights
don't mean diddly

when there's a poop t*rror1st.

And remember, when it comes
to Georgia O'Keeffe...

ALL: It's never just a flower.

Excellent. Great job, guys.

Oh.

- [SCREAMS]
- No, Caroline, don't!

[GASPS]

What? It was a cockroach.

m*rder*r.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Security checkpoint, boys.

Why didn't you stop those girls?

Because the girls weren't brought up
in a culture that glorifies poop.

Now empty your pockets.

So you know what you're looking for?

Anything having to do with poop,

- number two, dookie, doo-doo.
- You got it.

But butter, Lincoln logs,

chocolate thunder, human Tootsie Rolls.

Yeah, I said you got it.

What's in the lunch box, Terrence?

My lunch.

Really?

[SCOFFS] Shredded Wheat?

Pretty high-fiber snack here, Terrence.

You planning on using this
at both ends today?

I have got to get ass implants.

Hey, there, Chelse-a-roo.

How's it hanging, girlfriend?

Why are you acting strange?

[GASPS] Did you and Hot Dad
do butt stuff?

Ugh, I told you
you'd feel weird the next day.

What? No. I never... I never.

Uh, but I did talk to him
this morning, and tonight...

He's joining us to watch "Teen Mom
Where Are They Now: Regular Moms"?

- Oh, I forgot it's Tuesday.
- That's perfect.

Afterwards, you and Hot Dad

can help us assemble my new bookshelf.

And then I'm gonna buy books
for it so I look smart.

I really want to start picking
up tech-industry guys.

He and I already made plans

to go to the Great American
Pasta Company.

Okay, we can do that instead.

Actually, I was thinking it
could just be the two of us.

It's just now that we're dating,

we need to spend some time
together alone

to see what our relationship
is like with...

without you.

So you're bailing on me?

Whatever. I'll just spend
the night by myself.

Everyone needs a little bit
of alone time...

like Kim Kardashian
after she got robbed in Paris.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

Chelsea?

Oh, my God.

Mary Louise?

Is that you?

Ugh, I don't have my contacts in.

What are you doing here?

We're on our date.

What a coincidence.

Armen and I are here on a date, too.

[LAUGHS] It's his favorite restaurant.

You guys have a good night.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, just so you know, my
break is only minutes.

Okay, Dane Cook. [LAUGHING]

I am not leaving here tonight
without a hot stock tip from you.

I'm sorry. I don't know
what you're talking about.

Yes, you do.

Don't think I don't know
that you golf with the mayor.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, blue Volvo.

I'm so sorry. I got to get back to work.

Oh.

Okay. Okay.

- Chelsea?
- Hmm?

Would you like to join us?

Oh, I don't want to impose.

Okay, fine. [LAUGHS]

Oh, I cannot get enough of these shrimp.

Oh! Mmm.

Mmm.

Ooh, baby. [CHUCKLES]
That's a cheap wine.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Cecilia freaked out

and called me a m*rder*r
for k*lling some dumb bug.

Don't sweat it. She called me the
same thing when I peeled an orange.

Hey, girl. Pasta?

Chelsea, I can't believe
you crashed our date.

I can't help it that you went
to my favorite restaurant.

You hate that place.

You said that
Great American Pasta Company

was for fat Italian trash.

No, I said it was for fat
trash who want to be Italian.

I know your date was the valet.

He got our car when we left.

He just likes helping
strangers retrieve their cars,

and he's so into it,
they gave him a uniform.

Okay, Chelsea, it's really important

that we spend time together alone.

I know. I miss you...

No, I mean Hot Dad and me!

So now you're one of those girls

who gets a boyfriend and
completely disappears?

You've literally left me

at hundreds of bars without a ride home.

Just last weekend you ditched me
for a pharmaceutical sales rep.

He manages the entire Midwest territory.

What was I supposed to do...
not sleep with him?

Okay, you know what?
If you're gonna act like this,

then I don't want to hang out
with you anymore.

And don't try to win me back

by saying I can sleep over
in your bed tonight,

because we both know you
never follow through!

Ah! [SIGHS]

This is really good.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- New development?
- Ah, get down.

I found this.

An att*ck is imminent.

♪ ♪

Bradley G's dropping a b*mb!

Go, go, go!

♪ ♪

Pooper! Freeze!

Thought you could get away with it,

didn't you, you fecal insurgent?

Get away with what?
I was just tying my shoe.

Nice try, dude.

We're taking you to
the detention monitoring center.

Please, I don't want to go to Ditmo!

Move!

You should never k*ll a living thing,

because each and every life is precious,

including a cockroach like Kevin.

Kevin? Okay, you can't be serious.

Oh, I am.

You see, I knew Kevin.

He used to peacefully roam these halls,

minding his own business,
never hurting anybody.

He was a cockroach, Cecilia.

We can't be expected to live
amongst cockroaches.

Well, we should.

Insects were here first,
by over million years.

So, technically, we're on their turf.

Whatever. I had to k*ll him.

Did you, Caroline?

Or could you have just
covered him with a cup,

slid a piece of paper under it,
and released him into the wild?

Why would I ruin a cup?

Ms. Cannon, look.

Wow, Karina. That's a
beautiful depiction of Kevin.

He's up in Heaven with all the
other bugs Ms. Watson's k*lled.

Mass m*rder*r.

[HIGH-PITCHED CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ We do the Spooky Shuffle ♪

Ah! Please, I can't take
this music anymore!

It wasn't me, okay?

You'll be in Ditmo
for an indefinite amount of time

unless you confess.

And if you think
the "Spooky Shuffle" is bad,

here comes "Snap Outta My Life."

No.

No, no. Aah!

No!

Why?

It's only a matter of time
before he breaks.

[SQUISH]

[GASPS] We got the wrong guy.

The pooper's still on the loose.

- Am I...?
- Yeah.

- Is it all over my back?
- Oh, yeah, you're covered in poop.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Today we'll be reviewing the place value

for tens and hundreds.

Although, to be honest,
until you get to the thousands,

it's really not that important.

What's this?

Ms. Cannon put out food

for Kevin's friends and family

to help them deal with their grief.

[CAP CLATTERS]

The cockroaches
are sitting shivah for Kevin.

[CREEPY MUSIC]

Cecilia!

Does anyone want to hang out
with me tonight?

- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- I'm just asking

'cause if nobody does, then
I'll have to be alone, so...

I'm busy.

- Sorry, dog.
- Same. Sorry.

Nobody? Seriously?

What did you have in mind?

I just want to hang out,
drink some wine,

put together my Swedish bookshelf.

- [CHUCKLES]
- No, thanks. I'll pass.

Oh, my God. You're turning me down?

This is literally
the lowest moment of my life.

[TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC]

I know it was hard for you,

but I really appreciate you
taking the time just for us.

Of course.

You look really nice, by the way.

Your eyes are as brown as...

- This meatball.
- [LAUGHS]

Well, thank you. I love
meatballs, so that's high praise.

[CHUCKLES]

And that is a bookshelf.

[GIGGLES] I did good.

Why are there so many
tiny nubs left over?

Whatever.

[LINE TRILLING]

How's that frog you rescued doing?

- He's better.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

Yeah, it wasn't easy.

It's really hard putting
a catheter in a frog,

and it's nearly
impossible to get it out.

Yeah, you have "ribbit" out. [GIGGLES]

Yeah, if they do it too
quick, they croak.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Straight to voice mail? [SCOFFS]

I should've ended our
friendship when she decided

to do Meals on Wheels instead
of being my designated driver

at the Women's March.

[GASPS]

[LINE TRILLING]

- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
- [SIGHS]

I'm really sorry.

It's just Chelsea's called twice now,

and I'm worried it might
be an emergency.

- Chelsea?
- It's an emergency.

My bookshelf just fell on me, and I'm...

I'm... I'm kind of, like, terrified.

A bookshelf? Do you really
expect me to believe that a...

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy,
but I'm being serious.

I need you to come over now.

No, I'm on a date.

Maybe I could free myself
if I cut my hair.

Oh, my goodness. I'll be right there.

Chelsea's trapped under a bookshelf.

I thought she only read magazines.

Her hair's from India,
and she'd never cut it.

- I have to go and save her.
- Well, wait.

Uh, I'll drive you.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- [GASPS]
- You guys came. Yay!

Time to party-party.

- [CHUCKLES]
- You lied to me?

Chelsea, we really thought
you were in trouble.

I was, but...

then I got Hulk strength
and had to free myself.

- Let's hang out.
- What is wrong with you?

Oh, Mary Louise, that's
sweet, but I'm fine.

That's not what I meant.
I'm in a relationship now.

Oh, I know.

You have made it perfectly clear
that he is your priority now.

Meanwhile, I spent the night alone

putting together a Swedish bookshelf

with only pictures to guide me.

They weren't even American!

I've always supported you, Chelsea.

Who always orders two
entrées so you can say,

"I'm not hungry, I'll nibble"?

Who pretended to be a -year-old

so you could convince that
handsome social worker

that you were a volunteer
for the Big Sisters program?

Who told everyone that you
had an allergy att*ck

when you got the bad Botox in Mexico?

That wasn't Botox. That was a
Mexican facial-paralysis serum.

The one time I needed you
to support me, you couldn't.

I'm so disappointed in you.

[GASPS]

Don't say "disappointed."

You know my mom used to
say that when I got acne.

Wait. ML, don't go.

Please, just don't leave me alone.

Oh.

[CRIES]

Oh. [WHIMPERS, GASPS]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[GRUNTING]

ML!

It's like we're missing something.

What could it be?

[SIGHS] Let's go back
to that first att*ck.

The number one number two?

[CHUCKLES] Right.

That hallway only leads
to and from the gym,

so the pooper had to be in PE.

Who's class was in gym at that time?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

BOTH: Watson's.

Can I go home now?

No.

We're gonna find something on you.

But it's dark outside.

Your mom and dad said we could
keep you as long as we want.

They're making a date night out of it.

[SIGHS]

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, no!

[SIGHS]

Oh, my God. I'm gonna lie here
until I die...

in a T-shirt.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[CAN HISSING]

Did a boy from you class go
to the bathroom

- during gym yesterday?
- I don't know.

- When does your class have gym?
- Right now.

What are you doing?

Exterminating.

Thanks to you, my room
is completely infested.

It's not infested.
They're just living their bug lives.

Are you insane?

If you care about bugs so much,

take them home to your filthy yurt,

not to our school.

They don't belong here.

The belong everywhere.

These beautiful creatures
are an integral part

of our complex ecosystem.

- [ANIMAL SQUEAKING]
- [GASPS]

- Aah!
- [GASPS]

[GASPS]

[HAUNTING MUSIC]

Mm.

Hey, um, have you guys
seen our class rat, Milo?

He got out, and I think
I saw him run in here.

Cecilia.

Nope. Mm-mm.

That has bones.

Bones.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

Janine's the poop t*rror1st.

But how?

Who keeps pooping in the hallway?

It's got to be Bradley G.

He and his friends pooped
all over the school last year.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Security checkpoint, boys.

- Is it all over my back?
- Oh, yeah, you're covered in poop.

[GIGGLES EVILLY]

Holy crap.

Put the turtle
back in the shell, Janine!

♪ ♪

Oopsies.

♪ ♪

[ROCK MUSIC]

So, finally, by the seventh call...

- No, come on.
- We show up to the place.

- Yeah?
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]

Chelsea, I don't want to...

I need to say something.

Last night after you both left,

I took some time to be by myself

and to really reflect.

And I realized that I am not
comfortable being alone.

And I've probably relied
on you too much, Mary Louise.

That is something
that I need to work on.

I also wanted to say that you're right.

You've always supported me, and
it's my turn to support you.

I am so happy for you guys.

And I promise that I will not bother you

on your dates anymore.

I love you, girl.

I love you, too.

I'd love to have a girls' night soon.

Thursday?

[GASPS] "Pursuing Polygamy" on Lifetime?

Yes, please.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- I will see you then.

[CHUCKLES]

Wait. What happened to your back?

Oh, nothing.

I just had a wild night.

[WHIMPERING] Oh, I just wet myself.

[GIGGLES SOFTLY]

[ROCK MUSIC]

We are the victims
of our own preconceptions.

We turned all of our focus
onto the boys,

and as a result

missed the development
of this one lone wolf.

I know. Who knows how many
poops we could've stopped,

how much encrusted footwear
we could've prevented?

Why did you do it, Janine?

Because poop is funny.

She pooped in the school five times.

Six. [GIGGLING WICKEDLY]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

Oh, yeah.