02x01 - I Want To Hold Your Hand

[bunniefuu]

♪ Jambalaya, crawfish pie, file' gumbo ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight I'm gonna
see my ma chere Amie-o ♪

♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar and be gay-o ♪

♪ Son of a g*n, we'll
have big fun on the bayou ♪

♪ Son of a g*n, we'll
have big fun on the bayou ♪


Hi! I cant believe you came.

Yeah, oh my gosh I was just reminded

- how bad you are at hugs.
- Right.

I brought you some wine.

Thank you, oh I love red zinfandel.

Yeah I thought I
remembered you saying that.

Here, let me introduce
you to some people.

Everyone's obsessed with the show.

Well that's what friends are for.

No it's not because they're friends,

they love to be critical.

God it's so nice to
finally spend time with you

outside of the studio.

[RAINFOREST SOUNDS]

[THUNDER]

[CITY TRAFFIC SOUNDS]

[DOCTOR SOUNDS]

[WIND]

[CRACKING]

Oh God, there's Brent. Oh, man.

Your boyfriend?

Actually ex-boyfriend.

Oh.

Not that he was ever
my boyfriend boyfriend.

Huh, I had this mental image of Brent.

You know, a guy who wore Polo shirts

and played racket sports.

Wrong Brent.

Hey! What's up?

Hey, Phoebe!

This is Tig, from the show.

Hey, what's up.

Oh you know, just
trying to make friends.

What happened to your arm.

Oh dude, I fell off my
hover board, so lame.

Yeah.

Hey Kate!

Oh I'll be right back.

So, I love your show so much.

Thanks.

Your stories are so real
and your taste in music,

off the charts.

Thank you.

So why did you move back?

Isn't LA way more exciting?

Not if your idea of
excitement is spending

your evenings not talking much

with your sixty-five-year-old
step father and his cat.

I mean, really.

- Me too.
- Oh.

Um, I came back to do the show, mostly.

You know, they give me full
creative freedom here so.

Yeah.

That's so cool.

Yeah I mean there's nothing
like it out here on the radio.

It's just so nice to be
able to listen to someone

I can, you know, relate to.

Oh well I appreciate that.

So you want to get a drink or...?

Uh is there sparkling water?

Dude, you cr*ck me up, man.

Oh I'm actually female.

See? See what I mean?

I thought about getting into
radio, but I don't think people

could deal with what
I had to say. You know?

I bet.

I mean all my buddies down at work,

they all tell me I should. You know?

I'm definitely the guy
that everybody says,

"Dude you need your own show."

Yeah, and what do you do?

What do you do for work?

Music's my thing, but to pay the man,

I sell high temperature
textiles, mainly felt.

No one thinks about it
built felt's everywhere.

It's on drum sticks, piano hammers,

ballistic grated body armor.

Tig, have you ever used a highlighter?

'Cause the tip, it's made of felt!

- That's what gives it that nice glide!
- Brent...

I've never used a highlighter.

I love felt tip pens.

I'm obsessed with pens, I'm a
poet, I order mostly Japanese

fine tip gels online but
nothing beats your classic flare.

Which now they make
an ultra fine point...

Who gives a sh*t!

Shut up!

All of you!

- I'm trapped!
- ... and that's the A-Grade felt, the C-Grade...

Hey, I'm gonna head out.

- It was so nice meeting you.
- Dude...

so soon?

I know.

- Take care.
- Okay.

Hey, I'm gonna head out.

Everybody was great,
thanks for having me.

Oh okay.

Well great seeing you.

Yeah, okay.

Okay bye.

Bye.

[SCOFFS]

Oh my God.

Oh my God I'm so stupid.

_

[CHUCKLES]

♪ what wondrous love is this ♪

♪ oh my soul oh my soul ♪

♪ what wondrous love is this ♪

♪ oh my soul ♪

♪ what wondrous love is this ♪

♪ that cause the lord of bliss ♪

♪ to bear the breath of... ♪

Hey!

Hi.

Such a great sermon, huh?

Yeah so good!

Yeah it made me so hopeful about,

I don't know, things getting better.

He's really good at applying
the gospel to what's going on.

It's such a relief to feel like yes,

someone is in charge up there.

You know, like wanting what's best for us.

Yeah, I mean Catholicism
could be problematic

obviously but I love
the rituals so much.

I know it like connects you
to this ancient tradition.

It's very poetic.

Yeah I love that image
that he said of having Jesus

in your heart like a crying
candle in the darkness.

Carrying?

Carrying a candle into darkness.

Oh... oh, that's so much better!

Sorry I'm still trying to
figure out what he's saying.

You know, especially
the Vietnamese parts.

There are no Vietnamese
parts, it's all in English.

None of it's in Vietnamese?

Remy.

Sorry I'm getting it though! I swear!

Hey are you going to Civil
w*r practice tomorrow?

I mean I could drive you.

Oh okay, great, sure.

No of course, come on in,

he's in the kitchen.

Hey Bill, found these two interlopers

on your property.

Tig, I don't think you're
taking recycling very seriously,

it concerns me.

Bill, you have guests.

Hello Bill!

Hello Mellie hello Beulah.

Hey Bill, happy Great Americans' Day.

Great Americans' Day?

Oh that's what they're calling

Martin Luther King Day in Biloxi now.

As of when?

Because you know,

it's Robert E. Lee's birthday as well.

I don't even know how
to respond to that.

Well I think it's right
that they honor both sides.

You mean good and evil?

Well, it's all part of life, Tig.

All righty.

Well uh now that we
have that cleared up,

I'm gonna go ahead and try to
make it out to my car again.

Good bye all.

Bye Tig

I like your hair growing out, Tig!

Oh it's just wet.

Oh.

Um, Bill, we just stopped
by to see if you maybe

would like to go to the senior
citizen center with us today.

Well we figured that you
were off work for the holiday.

That's very kind of you but I can't.

I need to stay home to
listen to Tig's program.

Oh.

We can listen to it
at the senior center.

Oh of course, of course!

You come with us, and we'll
all listen to it together.

That's very kind of you.

I will join.

That's wonderful!

Would you like to drive with us?

No.

Thank you, no I prefer
to use my own vehicle.

Oh this is going to be such a hoot!

I'll save you a seat.

That won't be necessary.

Whoever arrives first
deserves the better seat.

Yes sir.

All right, well we'll see you there.

All right, bye.

_

- Hey.
- Hey, Tig.

Oh, I need to fix that, sorry.

So, where on the fix it list is this?

I know.

You know, Brent said he had
a nice time talking to you.

Yeah he did.

Was it purely physical attraction

or did you actually enjoy his company?

I mean, what was going on there?

I don't know.

I mean sometimes I feel like I'm fooled

by the charming narcissist.

For some reason I find them
insanely attractive sexually.

And I'm perfect for them you know,

because I have a natural curiosity.

So I enable them with
questions and it just becomes

this magical dance of
sex and information until

it hits that point where
the narcissism crystalizes

into the personality
disorder that it actually is

and then the sex just becomes riddled

with childhood issues and
it all just gets very dark.

Sounds hot, sign me up.

Okay, so we have a new sponsor.

Barbara's Beauty Salon
and Pig Slaughter.

Come on down to Barbara's
Beauty Salon and Pig Slaughter.

Go hog wild for a twelve
dollar cut and curl,

tell 'em Tig sent you and we'll throw in

a free ham and mayo sandwich?

I mean how desperate
are we for sponsors.

You know; they were
actually a pretty big get.

People love that place.

And speaking of desperate,

I haven't been paid in awhile.

Oh sh*t, yeah I got to get on that.

You? Wouldn't that be
something payroll would handle?

I'm basically payroll,
I'm basically everything.

What about the owner,
Ol' Smokey Lonesome?

I haven't seen or heard from him since

his whole tampon clog toilet situation.

Is this where I ask
a follow up question?

No.

- But just...
- No.

- But I'm so cu... No?
- No

I guess I'll just leave
it to my imagination.

It's an honor of Caroline and
her excellence in fundraising.

How wonderful.

She really was something, wasn't she.

She certainly was.

And what a pretty oak.

I've never known a woman
with such elegance and grace.

Yes.

Yes.

Caroline and Beulah, the
most elegant two in any room.

Well, it's hard when
you're a short person.

Everyone, gather around,
it's time for Tig's show!

Who?

Turn it up!

Bill!

Next up in the noon hour, Tig Bavoro

with her signature blend
of story telling and music.

It's so nice to have you here.

To all of our listeners in Biloxi.

A very happy, Great Americans' Day to you.

Isn't that so insane?

I mean those guys didn't
even have the same birthday.

You know, with all of
the, um, discussion about

great men, not so great
men, it's reminding me

of this guy Steve who
seemed like he was not great

but was actually kind of great.

And it's essentially
a story about the time

that I should have been
molested but was not.

Now I know, nobody should be molested.

But this just had all of the elements

leading to that possibility.

I was about twelve years old,
I would ride my skateboard

past his house, near-daily,
and with all the hammering

and sawing I was just always
curious what he was building.

So one day I wandered up in his drive

and he was making the most
beautiful toys and furniture.

And he abruptly stopped and
looked at his watch and said,

"Oh my gosh, Little House on
the Prairie is about to start"

And... I-I responded like "Oh my gosh,

I love Little House on the Prairie too!"

And he said well do you want to come in

and watch with me.

And so I did, I went
in, and there I sat,

a twelve-year-old little girl
with a greasy ball hair cut

next to this single
forty-year-old man in

a filthy pair of
overalls and just watched

Little House on the Prairie.

No more, no less, not getting molested.

Well you know, I was
almost molested too.

What is this a competition now?

Let's... let's hear yours.

Like when I was in high school I played

field hockey and one
day, my coach informed

everybody that he could
tell who was on their period

based on a scent they gave off.

No.

No, no, no, I'm saying like no he could

not tell but also no, no, that's wrong.

I know.

And so he had everybody
line up and he went down

- the line smelling everybody's private areas.
- Sure.

Got it.

And what's so crazy is at the time,

I didn't even realize what
he was doing was weird.

I was just keeping score in my head

to see how many he got right.

Which, by the way, he was
getting them all wrong.

Well, of course.

And by the way, you were molested.

Right, but I mean, not really though.

Yeah, really.

But I mean that kind of thing happened

to me all the time, it happens
to everyone all the time.

Like what? What are you talking about?

Like when I went to camp,
there was a counselor

who always volunteered
to play basketball with us

and he would grab everyone's
boobs while on defense.

And then when I was in high school,

I went on a trip and
we were all swimming

and the male teachers
were trying to grab all

of our bathing suits
and pull them off of us.

I mean this list is endless.

I am so sorry that you
went through all that.

Oh, I mean thanks but I'm not traumatized

by it or anything.

As far as you know.

But I mean, I just thought
of them as gross people.

And they are, they're gross people.

They are not great
Americans, that's for sure.

No, not like Robert E. Lee.

You know with that, let's
go ahead and play your best

American Girl by the
great Japanese American

recording artist, Mitski.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, such disrespect!

Those people gave
their lives for a cause!

I wonder if it was Steve,
the LeBlancs' boy, over on

Scenic Avenue? He's got a tattoo!

I can't stop thinking about Steve.

Did you want his number?

I just... I feel like there's
so much more to that story,

you know, like maybe you're
blocking something out

or he was grooming you or something.

No, I'm telling you, I'm hypersensitive

about this kind of thing.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't mean to be braggadocios,

um, but if you must know, I
was molested just not by Steve.

Wait, really?

Yeah, by my step grandfather

for pretty much my entire childhood.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Well. I blamed you for years but...

That's so horrible.

Yeah, it was definitely
traumatizing but I did a lot

of work around it and went to therapy.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I persist.

You really do.

Yeah.

God, that's so much
worse than everything

I was talking about.

It's all bad.

Here's to another
victorious battle, my friend.

Undefeated.

Hey Patrick, sorry for not tending

to your wounds fast enough.

I lost my footing.

No sweat, just don't f*ck up again

and let me die or whatever.

I highly doubt that'll happen,

Vicky is our top nurse.

Yeah, but why are you even here?

Pardon?

Well you know, there weren't,
like, any Chinese people

in the Civil w*r.

Are you playing like
a white person or what?

I'm Vietnamese, and
actually there were Chinese

soldiers in the Civil w*r, quite a few.

Oh.

So our characters are
probably f*cking concubines.

Hats off.

Mmm, Jay!

Hey guys.

Your friend is a real class act.

Don't listen to him, he
doesn't know any better.

Why is he saying it now?

We've both been doing
reenactments for years.

So?

'Cause he has permission
now, to be r*cist.

No he's just...

It's like how you overlook
the bad parts of Catholicism.

That's not the same thing at all.

Why not?

Who did you even vote for?

Oh no, now don't blame me,

I didn't even vote!

You did nothing to stop a r*cist bully

from becoming president.

There are other issues and not everybody

who voted for him is a r*cist either.

Anyone who accepts racism is a r*cist!

I think that's a bit extreme.

Well I think you're ignorant then.

I think you know I'm not ignorant.

All right, I am all ears.

Clearly, you and Remy do not understand

proper dishwasher loading procedure.

Tupperware goes on top,
it would melt on the bottom.

And the spoons, they
need to be separated

otherwise they sit inside each other

and do not receive the proper wash.

You know, I do not
know what to say, Bill.

I don't share your passion, once again,

but I will try to do better.

I heard your radio program
at the senior center today.

Great.

I was humiliated.

Why?

Will you please leave
me out of your stories.

You weren't in my story.

It's implied, I am your parent.

Well, I'm sorry to say but as my parent,

you're essentially in all my stories.

Remy, come over here.

I need to go over dishwasher
procedure with you.

I haven't even set my
stuff down yet, Bill.

He's already gone
over everything with me

so, if you have any
questions, let me know.

I'm here for you.

[RINGING]

Tupperware goes on top,
it'll melt on the bottom.

Hi, Tig!

Hi.

You know, we were listening
to your radio program

at the senior center today
and I was reminded of a time

when I was a young girl
at my debutant ball,

and I had danced my shoe right off

and I couldn't find it anywhere.

And so we were searching and searching

and this young gentlemen,
he was carrying me.

You know, so I wouldn't
get my pantyhose all dirty.

Sure.

And well he was trying
to help me locate my shoe

but all the while he was
moving his hand about my figure.

You know, he was feeling my hips

and the side of my bosom
and grabbing my derriere.

Oh dear, well, finally we found the shoe

and he just put me down.

It was a real Cinderella story.

He sounds like a real prince.

Yeah, well it was a long time ago.

Anyhow, is Bill home?

Because I thought maybe
he'd be interested

in joining our book club.

Oh.

I thought it might be good for him.

You know, it might open
up his, ah... imagination.

You know that's impossible, right?

Bill?!

Tig, don't shout from room to room.

Come find the person you need
and address them directly.

What if there's an emergency
and I can't find anybody.

You look for them until you do.

Well what if I've been
tied up by a monster

and left for dead in the garage.

Tig.

What? You never know.

So, how are things with Vicky?

Oh, they're not.

Yeah we got talking politics

and now I got to quit the church.

Well that's why we
separate church and state.

How's it going with your love life?

You getting anywhere with straight Kate?

I think she's into me but I'm definitely

getting some mixed signals.

You just got to make a move.

That's what I do.

That way, if they like
you, they're flattered,

and if they don't you know right away.

No, see you're missing the part

where they end up not liking you because

you've prematurely made a move.

That's too much thinking for me.

I play the long game.

Okay, but in your
world, how will you know

when it's the right time to make a move?

I mean at this point, she'd
essentially have to run

up to me, full speed and just
put her face right in my face.

Well, well, well...

Beulah seems to be coming by here often.

Yeah and I've never seen her wear

that red lipstick before.

Yes, I think that might be a new touch.

So what are you maybe an item?

No, of course not.

I'm finished with all that.

I was married.

Till death do us part.

But death did do you part.

Still, the sentiment is the same.

All right, who is placing
those mugs in the bottom rack?

Oh, that's me.

No, it wasn't.

It wasn't?

It was me.

No, it was me.

No, Remy, I did it.

Tig did it.

Hi!

Hi.

Hey, my friend, Phoebe,
you know who you met at

the party?

The one in the fedora hat?

Yes, in the fedora hat.

She wanted me to give you her number,

if you're interested.

So, that's what you came
running toward me to say?

She really likes you.

Well, I detest hats.

- But, I'll take her number.
- Okay.

[SOFT MUSIC]

- Did you get it?
- Yep.