03x08 - The Wellness Center

[bunniefuu]

♪

Today's a very special day.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]: It's my
master's Accession Day.

♪

It's the anniversary
of when he was crowned

Supreme Viceroy for Al Qolnidar.

So it's kind of a big deal.

[WHISPERS]: His favorite. Crepe-y paper.

Every year, I try to do something
special for the occasion.

The whole house gets into it,

like, really into it.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

Yes! Oh, yeah!

GUILLERMO: Colin Robinson gets, uh,

a little too much into it.

[LAUGHING]

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE VERSION
OF "YOU'RE DEAD" PLAYING]

♪

- [EXHALES]: Ah...
- Oh, no.

No. I-I don't think you should
be wearing that turban again.

Well, I think you need
to do some research.

'Cause not only is this turban accurate

to the ancient civilizations of Persia,

it also happens to be a
gift from my good friend,

the Maharaja Duleep Singh.

So if you have anything to say,

- to either myself or the maharaja...
- I just, it's not that.

It was kept in storage in the basement,

and the rats were nesting in there.

Oh, right.

Oh. Here it is.

Let's go.

Off you f*ck.

Hey, Master.

♪ The sun has set ♪

- ♪ The stars have all come out ♪
- [NADJA HUMMING]

♪ To celebrate your big night! ♪

- [CHEERING]
- Happy Accession Day, Nandor!

- [BAGPIPE PLAYING]
- [NADJA VOCALIZING]

[CHUCKLES]

It's your big Accession Day, Master.

- Did you forget?
- No.

Okay.

Well, it's just one of
those mornings, I guess.

But the night's just beginning.

- GUIDE: I'll bet.
- Yay!

I made you a little something,
and I hope you like it.

Great.

Well, he didn't like that.

[TO TUNE OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]:
♪ Happy Accession Day ♪

♪ Mr. Relentle... ♪

What's up with him?

Colin Robinson, you
can stop belly dancing.

- He's not even in the room.
- I know.

This is just for me.

Another Accession Day.

Pitiful.

On this day hundreds of years ago,

I rose to power in my country.

Blah, blah, blah. Yada yada yada.

It's just another milestone to
celebrate for the rest of time.

Believe it or don't believe it, baby,

but vampire depression
is the real f*cking deal.

The prospect of immortality

can give some vampires the shits.

They hate the idea of staring
down life's eternal tunnel.

What does it all mean?

Nothing.

LASZLO: When a vampire is depressed,

- the best treatment is to avoid them at all costs.
- NADJA: Yeah.

NANDOR: [SIGHS] I'm years old,

and what have I got to show for it?

I'm a fully grown vampire,
and I still have roommates.

I have no life partner.

- [NADJA AND DOLL NADJA LAUGHING]
- I have no living children.

I have no one to share my
dreams or my fears with.

NADJA: [CLEARS THROAT]
Sorry, Nandor. We were just...

- I just have to check something, um...
- DOLL NADJA: Hurry.

NANDOR: I mean, once you see Colin
Robinson belly dancing a few times,

the magic kind of wears off.

It doesn't matter that I'm
an infinitely powerful being.

- [GROANS]
- Doesn't mean anything when you live for eternity.

Everything loses its meaning
when you live for eternity.

GUILLERMO: In all the years
I've known Nandor, I've...

I've never seen him like this.

I think he might be
having a midlife crisis.

[CHUCKLES]: But he's
immortal, so I guess...

maybe more like a crisis-crisis.

[GASPS] Nandor's in crisis.

So, everyone, we have

a very important Vampiric Council duty

that I'm afraid is even too hard

for my absolutely amazing abilities.

Someone hasn't paid their Vampiric
Council union fees in a while.

Oh, no.

Sometimes it is nice to
tiptoe in and remind Nandor

that, uh, he's very important vampire

with very important jobs to do and...

Also, collecting Vampire Council dues

is basically vampire sh*t work.

And I don't want to do it! [CHUCKLES]

But, you know, more the first thing,

that I want to raise my-my friend up.

So, who wants to tackle this one?

GUIDE: Well, I don't know, milady.

Are you sure anyone
here is up for this task?

Oh, sh*t. Um, yeah...
Oh. No, my darling.

I wouldn't be man enough?

Hmm. [HISSES SOFTLY]

O-Oh. Uh...

I-I would love to help you out,

but I, too, fear I'm not,
uh, man eno... whatever.

No, that's right. You
are very sh*t-stupid man,

so you can't do it.

How about you, Nandor? Bill collection?

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

There you go. Yes!

It's a very special job,

- and we need the most...
- I said I'll do it!

Give me that. f*ck!

- Do you want me to come with you?
- No!

[GROANS]

[MUTTERS]

Ah.

Oh, great.

They have wellness vampires now.

[GROANING SOFTLY]

[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

Um...

You don't happen to
know where I could find

someone called Jan, do you?

Thanks very much.

The f*ck is that?

[CHUCKLES]

- Come on, then.
- [JAN SHOUTING]

JAN: Stretch those out.
That's what I want to see, yes!

Stretch those hammies,
feel the burn! Yes!

- NANDOR: Um...
- Oh, welcome.

Sorry, I am just here for...

Jan?

Please join us, bring your cameras.

- No secrets here.
- Uh, no.

- I am just here for your debt collection.
- Take a seat.

So...

- What do we love?
- GROUP: To sweat.

JAN [SINGSONGY]: And how do we sweat?

GROUP: By dancing.

And what do we say to newcomers?

GROUP: Welcome. You must
stretch before you dance.

Uh, like I said, as I
was standing over there,

I am only here to, uh, collect a debt

for Vampire Council dues you
haven't paid in years.

Oh, you must be mistaken.

No vampires here, pal.

[LAUGHTER]

- [LAUGHTER STOPS]
- But, you are Jan, yes?

Yes, but I am no longer a vampire.

That's... Wow.

Eesh. You have all
pulled your own fangs out.

Very disturbing, uh, but
it does not negate the fact

- that, uh, you owe a great sum.
- No sum to be paid, friend,

for we are no longer vampires.

We have become humans again.

Mm-hmm.

How is such a thing even possible?

[CHUCKLES]

[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

Welcome. Come on in, have a seat.

[JAN GRUNTS]

Uh, no, thank you.

As you know, being a vampire,
I cannot eat or drink.

Poor you.

Ah...

How long have you been caught
up in this whole vampire trip?

I have been a vampire
for over years,

- if that's what you're asking.
- Yes, but... one second.

No, no, no, no, no, you need to select

the Epson in the
print queue window.

Not the Bonjour printing.

I am so sorry. One second.

Ah... Tell me.

Are you happy being a vampire?

- I've had better days.
- What if I were to tell you

that there's another way?

A way that you can walk into the sun.

A way that you can become human again.

I'd say you were full of sh*t.

Eh... Well, perhaps
this path isn't for you.

This is a difficult
and treacherous path,

but the rewards...

the rewards are unspeakably...

delicious.

♪

NANDOR: So, after short deliberation...

Yes.

... I have decided to
join Jan and her community:

the Formerly Fanged.

The brochure is very persuasive.

I am skeptical by nature, but this Jan,

she's really speaking to me, you know?

She also is incredibly
beautiful and has a rocking body.

NADJA: So, you're
renouncing your vampirism

to go and try living as a human?

- Yes. What part of that is not clear?
- [NADJA SCOFFS]

Well, how about the whole thing?

You can't just pretend to
be a human, you knoblord.

Pretending to be human
is just the first step.

Well, what is the second step?

I'm not clear on all the steps yet.

Why are you dressed like
a Playmobil figurine?

Because this is how I used
to dress when I was a human.

NADJA: This is all very stupid.

Not to mention that we are the
leaders of the Vampiric Council!

We're going to be a
laughingstock when they find out

you've gone crying off to
go and play human dress-up.

- Right?
- I mean, I personally wouldn't laugh,

but there are those who would.

Well, you don't have to
worry about that anymore,

because you'll never see me again.

- [CHAINS RATTLING]
- Give me that.

Give me that!

Have a great, unenlightened eternity.

Farewell!

Auf Wiedersehen!

Good night, Seattle,
and good mental health!

- See ya.
- Master. Master?

I get his room.

Master, wait!

As your official bodyguard,

it's my duty to go
with you everywhere...

I am no longer your master!

I hereby relieve you of your service.

What?

It is time for me to find happiness.

Well, I want to find happiness, too!

What do you think I've been
doing for the last years?

Oh, boy. Here we go
again with this sh*t.

Why do you think I've lived
with you this whole time?

Can you please...

please turn me into a
vampire before you leave?

So that after all these years,

you and I both, both can be happy.

[GROANS]

Guillermo.

Despite my cold dead heart and
your "just okay" personality,

I've grown to have
some affection for you.

- Just a little bit, but, you know...
- And I for you, Mas...

Well, obviously.

But vampirism is a curse,

and I care for you too much

to burden you with that.

It would weigh too
heavily on my conscience.

Boop. There's that smile.

Once a vampire...

tonight, I am only a man.

Dry your face.

You look like a pair of wet undies.

[ARMOR RATTLING]

As I can no longer fly,

I will have a nice
evening stroll to Jan's.

- Just a human man crossing the street.
- C... careful.

- [HORN HONKS]
- [GRUNTS]

Are you sh1tting me?!

You can't just walk out
into the street like that.

You have to look both ways.

That's literally rule
number one of being human.

NANDOR: It's a bad start.

What the f*ck am I gonna do with this?

It's been about a month
since... What's his name?

Nandor! Come on, Laszlo.

Sorry. Uh, since he buggered off.

Nothing much has changed,
though, to be honest.

One thing that has changed,
which is such a relief,

is you don't have this
constant soundtrack

of weeping in the house the whole time.

- We don't miss that, do we?
- No.

So, I've moved into Nandor's room.

Uh, it's taken me awhile

- to get my scent on everything.
- [FARTING]

Regular vampires have no gastric system.

Energy vampires do, to
annoy those around them

and mark their territory.

It's beginning to feel like home.

It's been kind of tough, honestly.

You know, I've known
Nandor for a long time,

and now he's not in my life anymore.

He didn't even leave
an address or anything,

[CHUCKLES]: which is hurtful.

I mean, I guess know now how it feels.

All the times I left or quit.

I just never thought that...

that he'd be the one,
you know, to leave, so...

I'm just sorry that we
couldn't make him happy,

and I hope he's happy now.

NANDOR: ♪ It's been one
week since you looked at me ♪

♪ Cocked your head to the
side and said, "I'm angry" ♪

♪ Five days since you
laughed at me, saying ♪

ALL: ♪ "Get your act together,
come back and see me" ♪

♪ Three days since the living room ♪

♪ I realized it's all my
fault but couldn't tell you ♪

♪ Yesterday, you'd forgiven me ♪

♪ But it'll still be two
days till I say I'm sorry ♪

NANDOR: I love my life here.

I feel invigorated.

- More broccoli.
- I forgot how exciting it was

to live like a human.

♪ Hot like wasabi
when I bust rhymes... ♪

JAN: Now, when doing your taxes,

women, act like you don't understand.

Yes, Nandy?

Yes, it seems to me that this
Uncle Sam is bleeding us dry.

Maybe we should bleed him!

No, no, no, no, no. We blow off steam

with an IPA or maybe
an evening bike ride.

All right, let's move on to how to tip.

NANDOR: Every moment is precious.

Come on, Nandy!

We rip out our fangs every night.

[GRUNTING]

- [CHEERING]
- [EXHALES]

They always grow back in the morning.

But Jan says she's working
on a way to make it permanent!

[CHEERING, WHOOPING]

Because we are forbidden
to use our vampiric powers

or strength in any way,

life is constantly surprising me.

I have lost straight
games of corn hole,

and I have never felt more alive.

- [JAN CHEERING]
- I missed it! I missed it!

JAN: Yes, Nandy. Very human.

NANDOR: Jan has taught me so much.

This is especially
important for the women

when you're an expert about something,

and a man is explaining it to you.

Strained eyes but really big smile.

ALL: ♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me ♪

♪ Dropped your arms to the
sides and said, "I'm sorry" ♪

- ♪ Five days since I... ♪
- NANDOR: Who knew that living as a human

would reignite the zeal for life
I thought to be long dormant?

- ♪ Yesterday, you just smiled at me ♪
- Make sure that Baby learns.

- [GRUNTING]
- ♪ 'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry ♪

- ♪ It'll still be two days... ♪
- NANDOR: Jan is just so alive and electric.

She has changed my life.

Oh, yeah, we're f*cking.

- [CHEERING]
- One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, make it hot.

[CHEERING, WHOOPING]

I should probably check in on him.

Not in a weird way.

Like, I don't need
to check in on peop...

I just want to make sure he's okay,

'cause if something wasn't okay

and I didn't do anything about it,

then I couldn't live with myself.

So, as a good friend,

I'm going to look into what
he's doing without him knowing.

I'm really worried about him.

He's out there in the real world,

and it could be dangerous, you know?

[GROANS]

Like, what if he's in real big trouble?

COLIN: Whoa.

What are you doing in my room?

Nandor must have left some
kind of clue somewhere,

telling us where he's
at or where he's going.

Like, maybe this pamphlet

that's just sitting out in the open?

"In case any of you dumb,
idiot assholes care... "

assholes with one "S," uh...

"where I've gone, it's here."

Give me that.

All right, but you may
want to wash your hands.

That has a full room of butt wind on it.

Don't want to get pink eye,
or maybe you do, I don't know.

Don't really give a sh*t.

[FARTS]

NANDOR: Jan says that she has
never seen anyone as dedicated

to our way of life before.

Don't mind me.

[LAUGHS]: Yeah!

So she has given me
a promotion of sorts.

I am now her number two.

- How do I look?
- Perfect.

Jan says we will always
be safe from outsiders,

and, one day, we will be
human enough to see the sun.

- [LAUGHING]
- And I get to help with that.

In my former household,

I would have been teased mercilessly

for saying things like,
"I am a number two."

But here, number twos are
treated with the utmost respect.

- Hmm.
- ♪ Sending out an S... ♪

GUILLERMO: Something's
wrong with Nandor.

I feel it, so I'm just gonna
make sure that he's okay,

'cause I'm a good friend,
or we were friends.

It's... you know.

Just want to make sure
everything is okay.

A little check-in. How did
those get in there? [LAUGHS]

Time to get our workout on. [CHUCKLES]

- [CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
- [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

[QUIET CHATTER]

Hello.

Sorry. Sorry.

- [SNIFFS]
- I'm just gonna put this over here.

Is this anyone's spot? [CLEARS THROAT]

[WHISPERS]: Master. Master. Master.

Guillermo, what in the
hell are you doing here?

Just taking one of my favorite classes.

Yeah, what a coinkydink
to see you here, so crazy.

You think I was born yesterday?

I was born a long time from yesterday.

- You're here to spy on me, aren't you?
- No, I just wanted...

- JAN: All righty!
- sh*t. f*ck.

- Let's make it hot!
- [CHEERING]

- NANDOR: Yeah!
- Yes! Who is ready to burn?

- [CHEERING, WHOOPING]
- Let's do this.

- Five, six, seven, eight.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Up, up. Come on. Give me something.

Ooh, Nandy, becoming a natural.

Looking good, baby.

Looking good, come on.

Put some stank on it.

[GROUP GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY]

Stop the music!

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- NANDOR: Oh, sh*t.

You...

Who are you?

Oh, I'm-I'm just Guillermo.

What the f*ck are you
doing here, Guillermo?

Um, I'm, uh, just...

I don't know him.

Just working on my fitness.

- Mm-hmm.
- Check his bags.

Well, that's my bag,
so you can't do that.

- That's my property.
- Oh, no. You didn't. Tell me you didn't.

- Yeah, just like towels and stuff.
- [OTHERS GASPING, SCREAMING]

Weapons!

- sh*t.
- Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

That's just not what it...
that's not what it looks like.

I wasn't gonna... That was
just in case something...

Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, Guillermo.

- [CLAMORING]
- I'm not gonna hurt anyone.

I'm not gonna hurt anyone.

JAN: My children!

My fellow human children,

we have been infiltrated.

- No, I'm...
- An interloper is here to ruin us.

- [HISSING]
- He is here to k*ll us and our dreams.

He must not leave here.

He will bring more like him.

[OVER P.A.]: My children,
we are under att*ck.

We cannot let this
Guillermo go unpunished.

[HISSING]

- What did you do, Guillermo?
- Cover your face.

- What?
- Cover your face!

- Ay! Aah!
- [SCREAMING, COUGHING]

Now!

Come on, let's go!

You covered my friends in garlic powder!

I'm sorry!

[GRUNTING]

- That's...
- Come on!

Sorry, Janet.

Hey, let go.

- [GUILLERMO YELLS]
- [GRUNTS]

- You have a crucifix in your pocket?
- [VAMPIRE CRIES OUT]

- That's not nice.
- Shut up! Let's go!

You need to chillax!

- My friends!
- This way!

NANDOR: Don't hurt my friends!

[GRUNTS, YELLS]

[GRUNTING]

Ow! Did you bang your head?

I don't know what's come over him.

- [GRUNTING]
- Mimi!

Mimi, I'm sorry about this!

- [STRAINING]
- [MIMI CRYING OUT]

Ay.

[BOTH CRYING OUT]

[BOTH GRUNT]

- Come on! Come on!
- Let go!

- Sorry, Mimi.
- Stay with me!

[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]

- Come on!
- You just punched Jeremy.

GUILLERMO: f*ck Jeremy!

- Let's go.
- What are you doing?!

- I'm rescuing you, Master.
- If I wasn't a human,

I'd be crushing your d*ck
and slamming it on the floor.

- You're not a human.
- Get off me! Ah! That tickles.

- You've been brainwashed.
- [ENGINE STARTS]

Where are you taking me?

- I'm taking you home!
- [TIRES SCREECH]

Don't want to be out here. I
want to be in there with Jan!

- GUILLERMO: You want to be home with us.
- PRODUCER: Get in the van.

That's where you want to be, okay?

NANDOR: I didn't need rescuing.

I was having a great time back there

till you came and kicked everyone's ass.

GUILLERMO: They were trying to k*ll me!

NANDOR: They pulled all their fangs out.

No one's going to bite you.

We're a gentle people,
a gentle human people.

You're not a human, Master!

I'm not? Then how do you explain this?

♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me ♪

♪ Cocked your head to the
side and said, "I'm angry" ♪

♪ Five days since you laughed at me. ♪

I know the whole f*cking song.

I'd say that was pretty
gosh-darn human, wouldn't you?

You've been brainwashed.

Brainwashed, "shmain-washed."

You know, this is
exactly what Jan warned us

that the nonbelievers
would accuse us of.

You've been brainwashed, but it's okay,

because we are going to deprogram you.

- [NANDOR MUTTERING]
- Stop. Let it go.

Did you not think for
a second... Listen to me!

Did you ever consider for one moment

that I might be happy for
the first time in decades?

Decades!

That I found somewhere
where I feel that I belong?

That makes me feel useful and
powerful in ways I've never felt.

Never!

Not in years.

Did you ever consider that?

- No.
- No.

So what I'm going to do now is

I'm going to get out of this car,

and I'm going to go
and get a taxi or a bus

or subway or Lyft or Uber,

and I'm gonna go back
to my human community.

And that is that.

[SCREAMS]

When did you install

silver rope-lined seat
belts in this little shitbox?

Sorry, Master. It's for your own good.

- [NANDOR CRIES OUT]
- [TIRES SCREECH]

[PANTING]: You guys, you guys.

Catch your breath, boy.

I think I did something really drastic.

Oh, you pierce your pee-pee?

- No, but...
- NADJA: Tattoo your pee-pee?

- You guys...
- Tell us more about your pee-pee.

You've never been so interesting.

Stop talking about my pee-pee, okay?

I didn't do anything to my pee-pee!

[ALL GROAN]

Okay, just trust that what I did

I had to do, okay? Do you trust me?

- LASZLO: No.
- COLIN AND NADJA: No.

- LASZLO: Who the f*ck is that?
- NADJA: Oh, my... ew!

- COLIN: What the hell?
- [GASPS]

LASZLO: I'd say he's been brainwashed.

Right, okay, Colin Robinson,

go to the council
library and see if there's

any literature on the
art of deprogramming.

- [NADJA GROANS]
- No, there's no need to do that, Colin Robinson,

because I am not brainwashed.
I am perfectly sane.

I was just having fun
with my new friends.

That's, uh, basically what
Patricia Krenwinkel said.

Open your mouth. Good Lord,
he's pulled his fangs out.

- [NADJA GROANING]
- No, no. No, no, no, it's not what you think.

- Nandor! [WHIMPERING]
- LASZLO: You stay in there, old pal,

and I'll go and find someone

to mend that f*cked-up brain of yours.

No, there's no need to do that.

- Laszlo? Guillermo? Please. Come on.
- I'm sorry.

Guillermo! No!

♪ Lights go out all over town ♪

♪ People in the city ♪

♪ Could hear the siren's sound ♪

You said if we trusted you,
you would always protect us.

WOMAN VAMPIRE: You lied to us!

- Calm down.
- [CLAMORING]

- Please calm down, my children.
- [HISSING]

The time has come for the
final rejection of eternal life.

- [CHEERING]
- It is time!

For the ultimate burn!

- Everyone, to the roof. Yes!
- [CLAMORING]

[SINGSONGY]: We will all
walk into the sunlight.

Come on, baby.

Come on. That's it.

- [SCREAMING]
- That's it. Oh...

My children, my children.

Don't worry, Marilyn.

I'll be right out
there in a minute, girl!

- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
- I'm right behind you.

Well, back to the drawing board.

[SCREECHING]

♪ Run with me ♪

♪ This is an emergency ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I'm sending out an SOS ♪

♪ It's the real thing, not a test ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ There's trouble in the city. ♪

[COLIN ROBINSON READING] Dear Diary,

another Wednesday in the books,

or as some of the fellas
at the office call it:

"Hump Day."

I say, "What's the rush
to get over the hump?"

I mean there's so much to
enjoy about Monday and Tuesday:

department meetings,
cross department meetings,

sending E-mails to re-schedule
team meetings that interfere

with department meetings.

Let's just say I EXCEL at it.

- [COLIN ROBINSON CHUCKLING]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]