01x03 - Viking Funeral

[bunniefuu]

- Who are you?
- We are ghosts.

While most spirits pass
on to the afterlife,

we are cursed to spend eternity...

- [GASPS]
- Oh, and she's gone.

Now what's gonna happen to the house?

This is huge.

And it's all ours!

This must be them,

the new folks that own the house.

W... watch out!

[GASPS]

- Oh.
- Oh!

[GROANS, EXHALES]

Oh, my God. Sam. Sam!

Seems as if your accident
left you so close to death

that you somehow gained the ability

to actually see dead people.

They're here. They're all behind you.

Hello!

[CHUCKLES] I don't see anybody.

There's a bunch of zombies down here!

Zombies? [CHUCKLES]:
Zombies aren't real.

- We're ghosts.
- Okay, fine.

I see all of you.

I admit your existence. Happy?

What?

JAY: You're not even listening to me.

SAMANTHA: Babe, you're
not listening tome.

The Livings, they are fighting.

Ooh, nothing better than watching

a good husband-wife argument.

What's the beef?

He wants to fix the roof,

- and she wants to fix the fountain.
- ISAAC: Ah.

Home renovation... a
classic of the genre.

Shall we go...

spectate?

I mean, we're literally
watching paint dry.

These new glosses are
fantastic. But, yeah,

fight's probably more interesting.

[CHUCKLING]

So, imagine... you're a
guest driving up to our B&B

and the first thing you see is
this giant gleaming fountain.

Look, babe, nobody loves a fancy
fountain more than I do, but...

He's gonna pivot back to the roof.

I think we need to focus
on the bigger picture.

Which is the roof.

- Ha-ha! Ding, ding!
- Oh! You nailed that!

Please be quiet!

Excuse me, am I not
allowed to have an opinion?

I was talking to the ghosts.

Right. Because ghosts are a real thing

and my wife talks to them now.

[SCOFFS] Wait, are they in here?

Yes, they are.

And they are very annoying.

- Well, that's uncalled for.
- SASAPPIS: She's not wrong.

- TREVOR: That's a little harsh.
- Look,

I didn't want to bring this up, but...

I did give in on moving here for you.

Somebody's playing card of guilt.

Mm.I gave up my job.

I gave up my friends.

I know, and I appreciate you.

But... we're gonna have to
fix the fountain eventually.

And, just so you know,

the ghosts agree with me.

- [GASPING, CHUCKLING]
- She making things up!

- Ruthless.
- So hot.

So, shall I talk to the contractor?

Sure. Why not?

- Ooh! Mwah! Mwah! Ooh.
- Well. Bravo.

Bravo. Well done.

All right. [EXHALES]

Love you!

So, back to the paint?

- Ooh! I wonder if it dried lighter.
- Hmm.

- Let's go see.
- [GROANING, SIGHING]

♪

PETE: Sam! Quick favor.

Could you look up all the Mets
scores for me for the last years?

And I'd like to know how all my
stocks performed after I d*ed.

My big three were Circuit
City, Enron and Blockbuster.

This Spotify thing, am I on there?

Ooh, I'd love to hear
some of my old recordings,

instead of that racket
Jay's been listening to.

Guys, could you just give me a minute?

- I really have to finish this article.
- Sam, would love to smell some pizza.

Any chance of you
throwing one in the oven?

- I actually already ate.
- Yeah, a salad.

What am I supposed to do with that?

- So, again, the Mets?
- Uh-uh, Pete, you got to take a number.

- You're in line behind us.
- SAMANTHA: Guys...

Just tell me how many RBIs
Keith Hernandez had in ' .

- Give me something.
- Just go to the...

At the very least, just,
like, a piece of toast.

♪ Do not ignore a woman. ♪

- It takes two seconds...
- Guys!

Guys, I get that it's cool

that you have access to a Living now,

but you cannot just bombard
me with questions all day.

So, why don't you choose

a representative and that
person... and that person only...

can come to me with requests?

Well, how are we supposed
to pick who does that?

I don't know. Have an election!

You okay, ma'am?

Y... yeah. Just...
just on... on Bluetooth.

And, in summary,

do the election.

I don't even know what
she pretending to be doing.

There's something with the
fountain I need to show you and Jay.

Oh, uh, okay. Yeah.

That's not gonna be good news.

- Yeah, probably should've done the roof.
- Shut up, Pete!

My name is Mark.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Course it is.

Bye, Pete. [MIMICS BEEPING]

We were trying to figure
out how this thing's fed.

We came across some cast iron piping.

- That'll have to be swapped out.
- That sounds cheap.

But that's not what
I needed to show you.

While we were digging,

we found this.

Oh, my God!

Is that... ?

That's right.

Human remains.

[GHOSTS GASPING]

Oh, my God.

- What?
- Who is that?

- FLOWER: Whoa.
- Oh.

Hey. That's me!

- SASAPPIS: Are you sure that's you, Thor?
- Yeah, I d*ed right here.

I watched my flesh rot and my
bones swallowed by the earth

over hundreds of
years. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

- Was pretty cool.
- Thing is, I got to report it to the county.

- No!
- They'll investigate,

and if they declare it a crime scene,

the whole site gets shut down.

Project could get delayed for months.

- [GHOSTS GROANING]
- Months?

Months?

What if the bones were really old?

Like, uh... like Viking bones?

Just to randomly name some
type of really old... bones.

Pretty sure there weren't
any Vikings around here.

- He lies!
- Well, actually...

Here we go.

- We sailed down the coast from lands north...
- Vikings sailed down the coast

- from lands north...
- sent sorties...

Uh, from Canada.

Sent sorties inland to search for furs.

- Beavers, otters, moose.
- Beavers, otters, moose.

And when you find moose,

- much plenty you shall have.
- And when you find moose,

much plenty you shall have.

Okay.

She really loves the show Vikings.

Well, if it is Viking, they'll reach out

to the state archeology department,

they call in the nerds
with the toothbrushes...

the whole thing takes longer.

Sorry, guys. But first thing
tomorrow, I got to call this in.

This is so bad. We cannot
afford a months-long delay.

We have loans to repay.

I'll give you a piece of advice

my bootlegger boyfriend used to live by:

get rid of the damn body.

- What if the bones just disappeared?
- [CHUCKLES]

- What are you talking about?
- Well,

what if he came back tomorrow
and the bones were just gone?

And then there's no
reason to call the county.

No bones, no problem.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Who are you?

FLOWER: While I'm having
a moment of lucidity,

- can we just go over this one more time?
- PETE: Sure.

Sam wants us to select
a ghost representative

to funnel all of our requests through.

Right on.

So, now, who is Sam? Am I Sam?

- And the moment's passed.
- So now we can't even approach Samantha?

That's no way to treat a human being.

Who are we, my butler?

Okay. So I guess we just vote?

- Fine. Let's do it.
- Yeah. Great.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, if only it were
that simple. [INHALES]

No, my friends, democracy,

though the best form of government,

is a tedious and flawed process.

There will be hours of debate.

Long, boring speeches
we'll have to sit through.

Or we could dispense with all of that,

- pick me and be done with it.
- Mm.

- [OTHERS ASSENTING]
- Great. Mazel tov. You win. Done.

Wonderful. You've chosen
wisely, my friends.

Now it is tradition for the
victor to give some remarks.

Don't worry. I'll keep
it to a brisk hour.

I knew from an early age...

Aw, screw it.

I'm running against this windbag.

- [GASPING] What?
- Ooh...

Not 'cause I want the gig.

I just don't want him to have it.

[CHUCKLING]: What? This is ridiculous.

You were a singer.

I was at the signing of the
Declaration of Independence.

- No, you weren't.
- I was outside.

They started early.

Point is, I practically
invented democracy.

Actually, indigenous
governments were the model

for American federalism, so...

But... the electoral
college and the powdered wig!

Oh, my! Come on!

Oh, pop some popcorn, 'cause
this is about to get good.

We also invented popcorn.

You're welcome.

- [SHOVEL SCRAPES]
- [JAY SHOUTS]

Oh, this can't be legal.

This is a crime. We're
committing a crime.

It's victimless. The victim is
literally here saying it's okay.

Yeah. It's cool.

- So, how did you end up here?
- Well, I fell in love with a white girl

with a cute, cute butt and then
she inherited a haunted house

- and then...
- Babe, I'm talking to Thorfinn.

Well, it was a long time ago.

Seven winters after
the Battle of Svolder.

- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- I was tracking beasts across the land

when a great storm gathered.

But before I could find shelter...

[SHOUTS]

In retrospect, a metal helmet
was probably not great idea.

Oh, my God. He was struck by lightning.

What are we gonna do
with these? I mean, him.

I mean, you. Sorry to point
at you with your own bone.

[SAMANTHA CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Viking funeral! [LAUGHS]

- What?
- What'd he say?

Every Viking boy, from very little,

dreams of dying horrifically

and having a most
triumphant Viking funeral.

It is a very special day.

But Thor... never have one.

He wants a Viking funeral.

[LAUGHS] What, like we
sh**t a flaming arrow

and burn the bones in a boat?

Yes! Yes! Small man knows.

- Yep.
- That does sound kind of cool.

And it would be a great way
to get rid of the evidence.

THORFINN: I beg of you.

I will forever be in your debt.

It seems really important to him.

Okay, big guy, then I
just have one ask.Jay.

Can I sh**t the flaming arrow?

I married a nine-year-old.

I like small man.

He is fun. [CHUCKLES]

JAY: Yeah, it was
crazy. We came downstairs

and we were like, "Whoa!" and the...

and the bones, they were just...

[BLOWS] gone.

- Hmm. Ah.
- So you don't have to call the county anymore, huh?

Which is good. All right.

So they're just gone?

- Yeah. Must've been an animal? Wild dog?
- [CHUCKLES]

- Y'all got wild dogs out here?
- Hey, man, I don't really care.

I didn't want this
site shut down either.

That being said, I was
talking to a buddy of mine.

He said that if the bones
were actually Viking,

could be worth a pretty penny.

- Really?
- Yeah.

A museum would definitely buy them.

But you don't have them, right?

Nah.

Huh.

Sucks about those wild dogs.

♪

Sam?!

So, can I count on your support, Hetty?

[EXHALES] Well, I do believe

that women should have
each other's backs.

- Yes.
- No.

But I don't believe that women
should be allowed to vote.

- Hmm.
- I won't get into the whos and whys,

but it has something to do with
overtaxing the female brain.

[STAMMERS] What the hell?

Come on, Hetty!

I fully endorse your position,

which is why you should vote for me!

Illegitimate though that vote may be!

[CHUCKLING]

[GROANS]

Okay, so that should be everything.

I found an old canoe out in
the boathouse by the pond,

and Jay has been
practicing with his arrow.

And mead. Oh, need mead.
Watch you and small man drink.

- Yes.
- We don't have any mead.

No mead? So what do you
drink at your orgies?

TREVOR: Bro, Viking life sounds awesome.

- [THORFINN CHUCKLES]
- You know, I was wondering...

if funerals are so
important in your culture,

how come you never had one?

Told you. Was...

- alone on a mission.
- Yeah, I know.

But-but when you
didn't, you know, return,

could they not find you or...

Don't interrogate Thor!

Less talk, more brew mead!

What was that all about?

SASAPPIS: Well, it's a complicated time.

There's obviously a lot of emotion

wrapped up with this whole funeral.

Plus, it's been a thousand
years since his last orgy.

Big guy's a little pent-up.

You got a sec?

It's about your vote.

- Please not this again.
- Just...

- let me say my piece.
- [SIGHS]

When you were alive,
women couldn't vote.

And when I was alive, we got the vote

but they ain't make it easy.

And for people like me,

it was still almost impossible,

because the Man didn't
want to give up that power.

Yeah, and the Man tried to make
us wear bras and shave our pits.

Drop acid, not bombs!

[WHOOPS]

[DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS]

Okay. [EXHALES]

The point is...

... too many people worked too hard

and sacrificed too much for
you to just throw this away.

Alberta... [INHALES]

... you have my vote.

Oh! Yes!

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, look at that.

I used my female brain
to exercise my rights

and I don't feel the
vapors coming on at all.

Wait, hold on.

No, I'm good.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Are we alone right now?

- Yes.
- Okay. Check this out.

Turns out Viking bones
are actually really rare

and very valuable.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I called the Natural
History Museum in Albany,

and they say that if the bones
are genuine, they'll buy them.

- Well, for how much?
- Enough to pay for the fountain and the roof.

And extra money to put
a booth in the kitchen

like Chip and Joanna
did in the last season.

The Christmas episode? Empty
nesters looking to downsize?

- That's what I'm talking about, baby.
- Oh.

But I already told Thorfinn.

I know. And I wish there
was another way, but...

we need the money.

And as much as it pains me to say,

- I think we got to sell that big Viking's bones.
- [SIGHS]

Ugh.

Okay, you're right.

[YELLS]

- How you gonna break it to him?
- [YELLS]

Um, I will figure something out.

- This is gonna be great for us.
- [GRUNTING]

Ooh, I'm excited.

- [YELLS] Die, little man!
- Please stop.

So you're saying we
get to vote for this...

- ghost representative thing?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, absolutely.

You're no different than
those of us who live upstairs.

- Not too close, my dear friend.
- Wow.

- No one ever thinks of us.
- Oh, but I do.

I think of you.

In fact, I will have vivid memories

of this conversation
for a long, long time.

So, can I count on your vote? Hmm?

I promise, if elected,
your voice will be heard.

- [SNIFFING]
- [CHUCKLES]: So...

Um, okay! You know what?

Thank you so much for your support!

I am a man of the people! Good day!

[SHUDDERS]: Oh, my God.

HETTY: Hmm, look at the poor brute.

This is all my fault.

Don't worry. He'll get
over it in, like, years.

He might mention a Norse curse,

but we don't think that's real.

I mean, you know why we did it, right?

It's not like Jay and
I had a choice, right?

Sure, sure. Although
part of me did wonder if,

in finally getting his funeral,

we might see the big oaf get sucked off.

- Excuse me?
- Sometimes...

very rare occasions... when
a ghost is able to resolve

a long-standing issue,
the heavens open up and...

whoosh,

- they get sucked off.
- [LAUGHS]

- Yeah, we all dream of getting sucked off.
- Mm-hmm.

A... and that's the term

- that you guys decided...
- [TREVOR STAMMERS]

Don't tell them. Please?

This is all I have.

Let me get this straight.

So, if we had the funeral,

there's a chance that Thor might...

go up?

- Get sucked off? Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

But, again, rarely happens.

- I've seen it maybe once.
- FLOWER: But if it did,

we'd never see him again.

Like... ever.

SASAPPIS: He deserves it though.

Would love to see the
big guy get sucked off.

It would be lovely.

SAMANTHA: Hey, Thor.

We just came in to see how you're doing.

- [GRUNTS]
- He grunted.

Thor, I'm really sorry
about the funeral,

but, listen, uh, we're kind of
stretched financially right now.

We literally owe
thousands of penningars.

[WHISPERS]: I looked up Viking money.

- Aw.
- Do what you must.

But know this:

Jormungandr the Midgard Serpent

will be visiting you
in your night sleeps,

and your firstborn child
will have head of cabbage.

Okay, are we good? What's he saying?

It's not great.

Do you want to know the real reason

why I did not get Viking funeral?

Why shipmates did not find Thorfinn?

Thor never tell anyone this.

The reason why I was
wandering here alone

was because...

I was left behind.

♪

[ROARING]

They...

abandoned me.

For reasons unknown.

Oh, Thor.

[WHISPERS]: Sam, you stay strong, woman.

And now you...

have abandoned me, too.

[SIGHS]

His shipmates abandoned him.

Jay, the ghosts told
me that if we help him,

there's a small chance he could get s...

he could move on to the afterlife.

Oh.

[GROANS] Sam, we really need the money.

Yes, we could use the money,
but we would survive without it.

He's been here a thousand years.

Look, I know he's a ghost.
But if we don't help him,

aren't we the real monsters?

Babe, that was so poetic.

- I know, right? [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my... Mmm.

Oh... All right.

Fine. Fine. Funeral's back on.

Hey, Thor, buddy.

Funeral's back on.

Oh, no, he left the room.

Okay. This is getting really confusing.

We got to work on this. Thor!

- Thor!
- Thor! The funeral's on!

THORFINN: Yes!

By the fangs of Fenrir,

I thank you.

- [LAUGHS, GRUNTS]
- Is he happy?

Yay! [LAUGHS]

Oh, so about that curse...

Can't be undone. [CHUCKLES]

Sorry.

What curse?

HETTY: It gives me great pleasure

to cast the deciding vote for...

Alberta!

Who made me realize
that women should vote.

Although I'm still against
them going to college.

Baby steps. Isaac, you
ran a good campaign.

Just not as good as mine.

POINT OF ORDER: I believe not
all the votes have been counted.

- Oh, God.
- You may have thought

your upstairs votes
were all that mattered.

But true democracy

- leaves no one behind.
- [GAGGING]

And they stand with me.

But not too close. Not too close.

Well, this seems a little underhanded.

Let the coronation proceed.

Ooh. Yeah.

We're all voting for Creepy Dirk.

[GASPS]

[STAMMERS]

But that would make him the winner.

DIRK: So, uh,

when do I get to talk to
the lady that smells good?

Yeah, democracy is broken.

It's a flawed system, everyone.

- All right. Now, remember, just like we talked about.
- Ooh!

- Keep your back straight.
- Keep your back straight.

- Mm-hmm.
- Now pull back slowly but evenly

- with the first...
- Now pull back...

I would take Pete's advice
on this with a grain of salt.

... of your index and middle fingers.

[CHEERING]

- [THORFINN LAUGHS]
- Bravo, bravo.

Thor wants to thank
Samantha and small man

for making special day possible.

Though I wish you
would have secured mead.

But we'll let that go.

- You're welcome, Thor.
- Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

Sometimes you meet a bro

and you're like, "This is a bro... "

I just wanted to say that,

even though neither
of us won the election,

you have won my respect.

Where is this going?

I resorted to dirty tricks,

and you, you inspired people.

That's the mark of a
truly talented politician.

Well, you know, I do have
that star quality. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, I didn't mean to
imply that you don't.

No, it's a fair critique. [SIGHS]

I was never the type the commoners liked

to have an ale with. [SCOFFS]

Those dirty, filthy, ignorant commoners.

Hard to see why they didn't like you.

Agreed. It's a mystery. [INHALES]

Now is typically time
when we have orgy. But...

orgy without mead is...

very awkward.

♪

Oh! It's happening!

- He is getting sucked off!
- [GASPS]

By the eye of the All-father!

Valhalla!

Wait!

[EXHALES]

Thorfinn, I love you.

Oh.

I've always loved you.

Why you wait till now to say this?

So many years wasted!

[BULLHORN TONE SOUNDS]

Please extinguish the fire
in the middle of the pond!

You do not have a permit.

- Sorry!
- Yeah, I'll take care of it right now! Thank you!

Uh...

So, now seems like
we have second chance.

You know, I think I kind of
got caught up in the moment.

Yeah. Just... [CHUCKLES]

And I-I don't really
want to be tied down.

- Moving on! [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]: Yeah.

- Not in love.
- Cool, cool.

Thank you for doing all this.
It really meant a lot to him.

I'm glad. And, um, don't worry
about the house and everything.

We got a lot to fix up,
but we'll figure it out.

Custom booth would've been nice.

It would've been a game changer.

But I got to say, watching
my man fire that arrow,

pretty hot.

[CHUCKLES] Indeed.

The fire.

The fire is what's hot. [INHALES]

As fire is. And no one
can argue with that.

So...

How are you, big guy?

I am happy.

It was not time for
Thor to be sucked off.

Shipmates may have
abandoned Thor, but...

you did not.

And that goes for all of you!

You have never abandoned me.

And for that,

- I am thankful! Thank you.
- How could we abandon him?

We literally can't leave.

- Shh. Just let him have this.
- Okay.

- We would never leave you.
- Rejoice!

- [EXCITED CHATTER]
- ♪

So we'll meet down here once a week to

go over the ghost requests.

- Uh-huh.
- First request...

this comes from Stuart...

do you mind if he smells you?

- [SNIFFING]
- Nope, not doing this. Sorry, guys.

ALL: Aw...