01x10 - Open and Shut

[bunniefuu]

CHARLES: My last
relationship lasted six years.

Emma, that's my ex, she moved in,

and she brought with her her
-year-old daughter, Lucy.

Emma thought a hard break
would be best for Lucy.

Really haven't spoken to her since.

All in favor of evicting all
three members of m*rder, She Wrote?

- Terrific!
- My girlfriend's been stabbed.

I'm losing my home now?

I have a big solo tomorrow night.

Would it be okay if I
came to see you tomorrow?

I mean, after all, I'm dating
the first chair bassoonist,

and I've never even seen you play.

I think it would make me too nervous.

CONDUCTOR: The youngest
first chair bassoonist

in our symphony's history.
Ms. Allison Tipton.

Tox report's back.
Tim Kono was poisoned!

- He was already dead when he was sh*t.
- This was a crime of passion.

Romantic fury, the desire
to see someone suffer

before you blow their brains out!

We certainly heard
a late night visitor.

Tim was seeing someone?

I never heard a
woman scream like that.

OLIVER: You think his sex
toys could reveal anything?

I don't know. What is this?

OLIVER: Exotic Instruments...

Why is there a bassoon
cleaner in Tim's sex toy box?

[ELEVATOR RUMBLING]

[ELEVATOR DINGS, DOORS OPENING]

TIM: Twenty-three seconds.

♪

That's the time I spent
when I was actually alive

with three people on an elevator.

And it's lead to all this.

Just seconds.

My name is Tim Kono.

I lived in apartment
A here at the Arconia.

Approximately minutes from now,

I will be m*rder*d.

But, let's not rush this.

Get to know a fellow a little before
he tells you how he d*ed, right?

[ELEVATOR DINGS, DOORS OPEN]

[PUSHES BUTTON]

I was never very good with people.

Never really felt lonely though.

That came later.

- After Mabel...
- [SHUTTER CLICKS]

and Oscar and Zoe.

The loneliness came
after I lost all of that.

So, when someone comes
along and reminds you

that we all deal with the same sh*t...

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

... sometimes, you welcome them in,

with inhibitions lowered,

with arms wide open.

♪

MABEL: No f*cking way!

We have to tell Charles!

- He's gonna hate us!
- He already hates us.

- Mabel!
- What?

What a terrific g*dd*mn
finale this is gonna be.

- Oliver, he could be in danger.
- Right, right. For sure.

But that might not be so bad either.

- Charles!
- Charles!

Okay, we-we gotta break the door down.

Excuse me? We weigh combined.

Oh, thank you. It's
the dips. Come on.

Okay. One... two...

Go, Mabel, go!

[PANTING]

[SNORTS]

Ow!

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Oh my God, she's gotten to you already.

What's going on?

So, funny story...

You're sleeping with a m*rder*r!

[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]

You two could not look
more crazy right now.

For the record,

it's not fun for me to
tell you any of this.

Nor I. Nor does it give me pleasure

to remind you that
you're being recorded.

He is dating the
potential k*ller, Mabel!

The rules are changing by the minute!

Jan lives on the sixth floor.

Tim was carrying
someone else's trash bag

full of su1c1de notes
and cocktail glasses

from the sixth floor. So,

I know this isn't easy to hear, but...

we found out that Tim was having

some sort of romantic thing with...

Jan was f*cking Tim Kono! I'm sorry,

we're recordings. You
know, we gotta pace it up.

- That's ridiculous.
- OLIVER: I know,

but before you look too
shocked by their age difference,

maybe you wanna look at the two of you.

I am not going down one
of your idiotic rabbit holes.

I searched all of Tim's cellphone.
Jan wasn't anywhere on it.

Well, maybe he deleted
her, or she deleted herself.

Are you forgetting someone stabbed her?

Oh, right.

I forgot the real k*ller decided
not to k*ll Jan. By the way,

I've had worse injuries
shucking oysters!

You have to leave.

I can't hear any more of your insanity.

This is the first romantic
relationship I've had in years!

Why are you trying to ruin it for me?

MABEL: We're not, but, Charles...

Where is Jan right now?

She's a... she's a-a-at the symphony,

still playing. I left early.

And why'd you do that?

♪

Why are you still here?

[SIGHS] Just please...

look at what's in front of you,

and be careful.

- [SIGHS] Jesus...
- [SIGHS]

So, Jan is still at the symphony.

Mm-hmm. [PUSHES BUTTON]

Which means, she's not currently...

Mm-hmm.

[CRINKLING]

_

[INAUDIBLE]

- [KNOCKING]
- JAN: Charles?

I raced here right at intermission.

They won't notice I'm
gone. Which is, well,

pretty devastating to
say out loud, honestly.

Anyway, I'm mortified.

I don't know why I lied to
you about being first chair.

I think it has to do with
being beaten out by a child.

Maybe this is why all the adult doctors

were always so mean to Doogie Howser.

I lost a Golden Globe to him once.

I'm sorry.

About that Globe.

And this.

I should've told you.

Then I could've invited you,

which is what I wanted
to do in the first place,

until I got weird.

Charles, your nose.

- It's from earlier.
- JAN: Are you sure?

That looks fresh.

Can I get you some ice?

Maybe we can have a drink?

Maybe we can have drinks?

Come on in.

You almost let me break my scapula
earlier, and you could do this?

Charles taught me. [CLICKING]

I taught him how to use Postmates,
and he taught me how to do this.

Aw. You two, I swear.

It's like watching Paper Moon
for the first time all over again.

When I saw you in the
audience, I felt terrified.

Here.

Oh, that's nice. Thank you.

And I thought, "That's it. He's just

always gonna think the worst of me now."

That could never happen.

Can we toast to that?

[ICE RATTLING]

[CLINK]

Oh. Did I leave that here?

Uh, we found that in
Tim Kono's apartment.

It's a bassoon cleaner.
Why would Tim have that?

No idea.

Hold on. The m*rder*d
guy also played bassoon?

I mean, what are the odds of that?

Do you think the k*ller
is targeting bassoonists?

Wait...

You're not thinking that I...

No. [LAUGHS]

Oliver and Mabel are.

But not me.

[SIGH, SOFT LAUGH] I would, too.

Jeez. [LAUGHS]

So, do you think Tim Kono...

Can we not talk about
Tim Kono right now?

Of course.

What do you wanna talk about?

♪

That I think I'm
falling in love with you.

Oh.

Well, that's interesting.

Because I think I'm falling
in love with you, too.

[SIGHS] Well...

that is a relief. [LAUGHS]

Yeah.

It's usually less awkward
when it happens to both people.

Hm.

Doesn't exactly scream k*ller,
does it? Where do we start?

Did you ever listen to
that podcast Baker's Dozen?

Oh, classic.

Midwestern bake-off winner

dismembers ladies
trying to take her title.

- Kinda picture her place like this.
- Yeah.

Do you remember where they found
all the evidence she was hiding?

[INHALES]

But let me use it first. I need to go.

You know what's crazy?

I think I would love you

even if you did k*ll Tim Kono.

Which is super crazy because
I've broken up with people

for whispering loudly in movies.

Or chewing weird. [LAUGHS]

Wow, Charles.

- That's real love. Yeah.
- I know, right?

You're not drinking much.

Oh, I'm not drinking at all.

I'm taking... [ICE RATTLING]

stage sips.

Because there's poison in it.

♪

It's what you did with Tim Kono, right?

A breakup drink before you
sh*t him with his own g*n?

I'm still not sure why you
poisoned the cat though.

I didn't do that.

All I can think is

she came in the window afterwards,

and maybe...

I know, right?

Ugh! [LAUGHS]

Oh God! This is so hot, Charles.

Just super exciting to be

totally open together,

and just let it all hang out...

Woof!

Hey, come here.

She's a poisoner...

[PILLS RATTLING]

_

... who uses a label maker?

- [BEEP]
- The saddest thing about this

is that if Jan weren't
a murderous maniac

she'd be perfect for Charles.

♪

[RATTLING]

So you were seeing Tim Kono?

Hello. I'm a sucker

for lonely guys with
notable age differences

I meet on elevators.
I think you know that.

And Tim came to see
you the day he d*ed.

He did. Which was also

two days after he broke up with me.

Not insignificant.

I told him I had to give him
some things he left at my place.

I don't remember leaving anything here.

I just poured two Old Fashioneds.

One more for old time's sake?

And then a half-hour later,

- I dumped the glasses in his bag...
- [GLASSES RATTLING]

and just sent him on his way.

- [RATTLING]
- [ECHOING SHUT]

And then I went back to my window
to practice my Pavane piece.

No. You didn't.

I heard the bassoon that night.

It sounded... different.

You weren't playing
live. It was a recording.

Yay! [LAUGHING] Oh, Charles!

Do you see how good we are together?

And how great

is an alibi where the whole
building can hear you playing?

Oh, what else did you
figure out about me?

Tell me, tell me, tell me.

When did you really
start locking in on me?

CHARLES: The notes.

[STUMBLES]

The J's...

[SLURRING] are similar.

Aw...

[BABY TALK] My cute
little J's gave me away.

[NORMAL] Good eye, kid.

[SLURRED] I compared
them side by side...

JAN: Oh. [BANGS CHAIR]

There it goes.

That's exactly how Tim sounded.

The handkerchief...

Yay. Handkerchief,

not the glasses. [STUMBLING]

I mixed it up this time.

You know, I'm not one of those
who always does it the same

and has to carve a niche for themselves.

Even though I did
carve a niche in myself.

Wait, did she...

You stabbed yourself?

Wow...

That's really kicked in, hasn't it?

Your legs gone?

- [INDISTINCT MUMBLING]
- Oh, tongue, too.

[BABY TALK] Seen it before.

[CLICK, ALARM BLARING]

- [DOORS OPENING, SHUTTING]
- [HALL CHATTER]

♪

[NORMAL VOICE] You know?

You and Tim are a lot alike.

I felt so lucky to be let into
your private, isolated worlds.

But Tim messed up by
seeing somebody else,

- or that's what I thought.
- [MUMBLING]

JAN: This is the kicker. The day before,

the day before we broke up,

I found this emerald ring at his place.

Just delivered. I mean, clearly
meant for somebody else, right?

[TIM GROANING]

You know how I feel
about being made second.

That's a big trigger for me.

JAN: It's so odd.

- [ALARM BLARING]
- [COUGHS]

When a person begs you

for their life,
it is such a tonic for me.

♪

And knowing, finally, I am
truly number one for someone.

[g*n CLICKING]

[g*nsh*t]

You need me now more
than ever, don't you?

Charles, why does that feel so good?

How crazy is it

that ring was actually the ring

from the m*rder you solved.

[LAUGHS]

Ironic.

And tragic. My bad. I do own that.

[METAL CLINKING]

Oliver...

Oh God.

Oh, Mabel, I...

I'm so, so sorry.

She did it.

She really k*lled him.

Yeah, she did. She did.

Charles!

The trick now, it's not just you.

There are two others I
have to deal with and more.

I mean, so many know about this

because of your podcast.

I've gotta think big here.

Isn't it nice they opened
all these fireplaces back up?

I mean, in a way, it makes us
all connected in the building.

Should make for a fun finale.

Too bad I'm gonna miss
it. It's gonna be a gas.

- [LAUGHS]
- [CHARLES GROANING]

I want you to know

this is definitely

one of my rougher breakups, Charles.

I really did fall in love with you.

Sadly,

I will not be seeing
you bassooner or later.

[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

[INHALES]

[SNORT, GROAN]

[GRUNTING]

[GROAN, GRUNT]

Oh...

[PANTING]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Mm... [SIGHS]

- [BEEP]
- [GRUNT, SIGH]

[SIGHS]

- [SLURRED] Siri...
- [BEEP]

- I don't feel good...
- [BEEP]

SIRI: Okay. Playing Fields
of Gold by Sting.

[SIGHS] Oh... [FRUSTRATED CRYING]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

♪ Fields of barley ♪

♪ You'll forget the sun ♪

♪ In his jealous sky ♪

♪ As we walk in... ♪

[ECHOING FOOTSTEPS]

♪ So she took her love ♪

- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [SIGHS]

[SIGHS, GRUNTING]

♪ Upon the fields of barley ♪

[GRUNT]

- [GRUNTING]
- [ALARM BUZZING]

[BELL RINGING]

Why is his door open?

- Charles!
- Charles!

[FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Look. Where is he?

- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [SONG CONTINUES]

You overpay for your arugula

every time, Uma.

You're one to talk, Miss
Fresh Basil in February.

Why'd you press all the buttons?

Oh, this assh*le did it.

You kick him out of the
building, he goes on a bender.

Oh God. I can't wait till he's gone.

[EXCITED SQUEALING]

I know, right? I just got her,

- and I love her so much.
- Meow...

[LAUGHS] What's her name, Howard?

Evelyn Seven. Lucky number Sevelyn.

I feel like Evelyn's
death wasn't in vain.

Like, she really brought
everybody together, you know?

- CHARLES: Ah...
- ALL: Shut it!

HOWARD: If you guys would
like to come over some time

and play Parcheesi and have a gab,

Sevelyn and I would love
to have you over.

Oh, is there room?

- [OVERLAPPING] Oh sure.
- Yeah, come on in. We can squeeze.

GROVER: Hi.

Do you need help?

[INDISTINCT GIBBERISH]

You can schedule
an out-patient with my girl.

- And I now take cryptocurrency.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]

There's a mess in there.

[SONG CONTINUES]

Don't worry. This happened to
Sting when The Police broke up.

- Never said a word.
- CHARLES: Augh...

I'm sending you back to your apartment.
Get into bed and sleep it off.

Don't tell anyone
I told you about Sting.

[GARBLED MUMBLING]

Nah... [GURGLES]

Lester, have you seen Charles?

Just sent him upstairs, flat on his can,

struck down with the Irish Flu.
Didn't hear it from me.

Same thing happened to Sting.
Don't tell anyone I told you.

[CLICKING BUTTON, DINGS]

[CLICKING]

How the hell does he...

Oh my god, Charles!

- Wow, Lester was right!
- Grab him.

Okay, where did you get a Quaalude?

[BOTH GRUNT, SIGH]

Turn him over!

MABEL: Hey! Hey!

- Did Jan poison you?
- [SLURRED] Yes! She poisoned me...

We have to get him to a hospital.

Or! We get as much
milk into him as possible.

It absorbs toxins.

Ah! [GARGLING]

And if that doesn't
work, I can urinate on him.

I think that's for jellyfish.

- Wait, what is he doing?
- Oh no, it's his phone!

Is there something on your phone, buddy?

What's your password?

[GARBLED NONSENSE]

- Okay, put his face on it.
- Okay. Hold it.

- It's not working!
- His facial muscles are too limp.

It's okay. I know what to do. Look.

[CLICK]

- We're in!
- Ah! God, I'm clever. Okay.

JAN [ON PHONE]: Should
make for a fun finale.

It's Jan. Did you record Jan?

- [MUMBLING]
- JAN: Too bad I'm gonna miss it.

- It's gonna be a gas.
- ARNAV: Oh, hey.

Is anyone feeling dizzy?

I was just about to start a
fire, but it's like there's

- fumes coming up from the basement.
- [GIBBERISH]

Oh, my daughter's in there.

- Gas.
- [DOOR SHUTS]

- Wait, did Jan...
- Woof!

- We have to go to the basement!
- Ah...

How are we gonna get him anywhere?

So poetic. Closed for years

because of an asthmatic Tim Kono,

our fireplaces were opened
again because of his m*rder,

only to lead to the death of thousands!

I don't think thousands live here.

Boy, you really don't
take the ride, do you?

[STROLLER SQUEAKING]

[WHISPERING] The boiler
room of the Arconia.

The irritable bowel of the building.

A perfect spot for a perfect ending.

- [MACHINES HUMMING]
- [QUIET ALARM BLARING]

Okay. I'll take the west side
of the building, you take the east.

Okay.

Oh my god! Look what
she's done! [HISSING]

- What!?
- OLIVER: The thing!

The duct! That wasn't
attached to the thing!

That shouldn't be that way!
Do you see a duct attached

to a thing it shouldn't be attached to?

What are you even saying?!

I'm pulling the thing out here...

Okay, pull down the top of your thing!

Ah!

We did it! I think.

We-we took down the thing,
so that the stuff won't go

from the thing up into
the... Yeah, we did it!

- [g*n COCKS]
- Oh, you really did it.

Get down here.

[PANTING]

Hey.

Look at you still kicking.

I was worried that hanky

wouldn't do the full trick on Brazzos.

Okay. Indulge me. I've
always wanted to do this.

Roses are red...

violets are blue...

who shall I k*ll?

Maybe it's you.

CHARLES [CLEARLY] No.

No.

This ends now, Jan.

You won't sh**t my friends.

sh**t me if you need to, but not them.

Because I don't want to live
in a world without them anymore.

There were parts of
myself that were dead

that they brought back to life.

Before this...

I was just a hollow
shell walking around.

And they made me alive.

[SLURRED, GARBLED NONSENSE]

[NONSENSE CONTINUES]

♪

You're helping me get over you.

No! [JAN GRUNTS]

- [g*nsh*t]
- [CLANG]

- This is for Tim.
- [JAN GRUNTS]

[MUMBLING]

[LIGHTS BUZZING]

This sends the investigation
into a whole new direction.

Good one, Brazzos.

Now, let's go get your stomach pumped.

Eh...

♪

[QUIET SIREN, POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

MABEL: Is he gonna be okay?

PARAMEDIC: Three, two, one.

He's gonna be fine.

[GURNEY RATTLING]

Oliver.

It seems due to the events
of tonight, there's been

a reversal in sentiment
regarding your tenancies

here at the Arconia.

Oh, please, just say it, Bunny.

"Welcome back, you sexy thing!"

I'll get you gone sooner or later.

- You're all idiots!
- Hey, Bunny.

Congrats. You're the most hated person

in the building now,
you cranky old bitch.

[LAUGHS]

♪

[STREET NOISE, CHATTER]

WILL: Dad? Your child's home.

OLIVER: [LAUGHS] Willie!

And Winnie! My little girl!
I'm so glad you're back.

[KISSING] Hello. Hello, Winnie!

Jesus, what a ride
you've been on, huh?

[LAUGHS] You think?

I'm proud of you.

I think. Um, I'm not even really clear

what happened here,
but I wanted to stop by

and give you this.

It's a check for your next big thing.

No, no. I-I don't want it.

You sure?

I'd take an awkward hug though.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

- [WINNIE PANTING]
- [ENVELOPE CRINKLING]

Huh.

- It's not so awkward, huh?
- No. That was nice.

Well, I-I can tell you what happened.

You know, the whole insane story,
unless you need to get going.

No, no, no, no, no.
I would... I'd like to stay.

Oh, well. Okay, good. So,

it-it was very bizarre.
Get in the elevator...

♪

OSCAR: This is incredible.

Took me long enough, I know.

Yeah, well...

Some things are worth the wait.

Hm. Nice positive-as-f*ck words

from the man who just
got his good name back.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah. I am.

What?

It's just been a long
time since I've said that

and actually meant it.

Come here.

_

_

_

[TYPING]

[DROPS PHONE]

[SENDS TEXT]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[TEXT WHOOSHES]

_

_

[SIGHS]

My story really ends with you.

Even though I didn't get to know
all that went on once I left,

a connection was made...

TIM/CHARLES: among three strangers...

willing to embrace their own messes...

CHARLES: and to recognize

we are all connected.

We started with the question,

"Who is Tim Kono?"

The answer, as it turned out...

we are all Tim Kono.

That was amazing.

I mean, I just...

That-that's the best
performance you've ever given.

I have nothing left to teach you.

Really? So I can finally add
"voiceover acting" to my resume?

Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

CHARLES: And one more
toast to Mabel. [LAUGHTER]

OLIVER: To Mabel Mora.

Yeah... Oh, sorry.

Hey, you know, I'm amazed how
spectacular that ring still looks after

you knocked out a m*rder*r.

Or y... Charles' girlfriend.

Or ex-girlfriend. Not
sure how you landed.

You're handling this pretty well.

You know, I'm thinking of
putting myself out there again.

I mean, I slept with a m*rder*r!

That is a great story
to tell on a first date.

[OLIVER LAUGHS]

Does anyone else feel like
there's still a couple of loose ends?

- [DISTANT SIREN]
- Loose ends?

I don't know. Maybe it's just a feeling.

All I know is that
we've run out of champagne.

Mm. I will get some from my apartment.

- Ah...
- Thank you, ma'am!

Yep. [PUTS DOWN GLASS]

So, I was thinking that maybe, uh,

we should do something maybe
more salacious for the next case.

What do you think?

What makes you think I
want to work with you again?

Oh, please. You're nothing without me.

We do make a decent team.

I mean, we could, um,
talk about it tomorrow.

If you're free.

Well, Charles-Haden Savage,

are you asking me to be your bestie?

"Bestie"? What are we, ?

No, no, listen. I-I'm flattered.

So should we meet at ,
or you think...

more of a coffee thing?
Or something like ?

You-you know, I'm starting
to regret this alread...

Is that getting louder?

- Yeah. Closer, too.
- [SIRENS BLARING]

[TEXT CHIMES]

"Get out of the building now."

- Exclamation point.
- Exclamation point.

- Exclamation point.
- Three exclamation points.

- Whose number is this?
- I don't know.

Okay, this is getting
scary. What is going on?

We gotta get Mabel.

- OLIVER: Mabel! Oh my God!
- CHARLES: Oh my god!

♪

BOTH: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

CHARLES: We gotta get her!
I'm not leaving her here!

- Oh, and I would?
- Of course you would!

Of course I would!

It's not what you think.

- OLIVER: Bunny!
- I just opened the door,

and she stumbled in on me!

Is that your knitting needle?

Yes.

COP : Nobody move!

- COP : Hands up!
- [OLIVER GASPS]

- [OFFICERS CHATTERING]
- [g*ns COCKING]

♪ We'll have Manhattan ♪

♪ The Bronx and Staten... ♪

Don't say a f*cking word.

♪ It's lovely ♪

♪ Going through ♪

♪ The zoo ♪

♪ It's very fancy ♪

♪ On old Delancey Street ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ The subway charms us so ♪

♪ When balmy ♪

♪ Breezes blow ♪

♪ To and fro ♪

♪ And tell me... ♪

This... could be interesting.

Coming this fall,

Only Murderers in the Building.

That's good, Poppy.

That's very good.

I wrote that.

♪ The great big city's ♪

♪ A wondrous toy ♪

♪ Just made for ♪

♪ A girl and boy ♪

♪ We'll turn Manhattan ♪

♪ Into an isle of ♪

♪ Joy... ♪

From this moment on, that
is mine. Do you understand?

Say otherwise, and you will
be stocking the NPR fridge

with LaCroix until you're .
Do you f*cking hear me?