02x07 - Jonesy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Lovesick". Aired: October 2014 - November 2016.*
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"Lovesick" revolves around 20-something year old Dylan, who must contact all of his previous sexual partners to inform them that he has been diagnosed with chlamydia.
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02x07 - Jonesy

Post by bunniefuu »

So you invited me all
the way across town...

to tell me that you
have a venereal disease?

Yep. Pretty much.

Cool that you feel that
you can share that with me.

How's it been?

Is it an itchy one or
a scary one or... what?

Yeah. Thing is, erm, you might want
to get tested for it too, Jonesy.

- What with...
- With what?

You know. [chuckles]

Not sure that I do know...

What with us having sex. [chuckles]

Um, Dylan, we've never had sex.

_

_

[door opens]

Angus is here. I'm making waffles.

Waffles, Dylan.

That ain't your waffle face.

How do I do this?

I... I can't get her out of
my head and now there's this.

[sighs] All right.

Waffles might be a start.

Maybe not a long-term solution, but...

[Angus] Morning!

I was just telling Luke about my sperm.

- How are the little fellas doing?
- Not good.

There's plenty of them and
they're good at swimming,

but they're terrible with directions.

None of them can find the egg.
They keep going round in circles.

It's incredibly
depressing... for them and me.

[exhales] Parlez-vous.

Let's go out. We all need a night out.

- Definitely. Pub?
- No. No. I need a change of scene.

Something that isn't listening
to noise records in my room

or moping over a pint.

I want to go out like a
premiership footballer does.

- Or... or a pirate.
- [gasps]

I don't want to think about it. I
need to have a massively good time.

A lads' night out...

with raucousness.

- Are you allowed?
- Well, nothing else has worked.

Maybe my sperms are stressed.

Maybe a few drinks could loosen them up
and get them thinking about Helen's eggs.

Are you with me?

Do you need to ask?

No, but it's polite.

Well, thank you. I gratefully accept.

[laughing]

So... what is the secret to
a long and happy marriage?

[Fiona] Ooh, my goodness.

Well, the key thing is
listening to each other.

And swinging.

[Mal] Oh, God.

[laughing] He's joking.

[laughing] Oh, no, right.

Richard wouldn't last five
minutes at a sex party.

He'd be thrown out for
discussing the rugby.

[both laugh]

- Now, I'd just like to take a moment to...
- [whispers] He's actually standing up.

raise a glass to the happy couple.

[sighs]

Er, I've completely
lost my train of thought.

But the general thrust was,
here's to the pair of you.

- [Fiona laughs]
- [Evie chuckles]

To Malcolm and Evie.

Evie.

- [Richard laughs]
- [Fiona] Cheers.

- Well done, darling.
- Oh, yes.

It was very moving.

Now, before we go, have you made
contact with the village church yet?

The reverend's expecting you.

Oh, erm, well, we're actually
getting married in the city.

[Mal] Er, well...

Erm... Mum and Dad
suggested we do it at theirs.

- Marquee in the garden.
- Er...

Er, that sounds very nice,

but it's also the exact opposite
of what we've already agreed.

Well, nothing's booked.
It's not a big deal.

Well, the marquee is
at least partly booked.

We had to put a deposit down for it.

And for the brass band. Tell me
you've discussed the brass band.

- Trumpets and tubas and stuff?
- Erm...

Oh, yes, well, so you have discussed it.

A brass band?

Something for the older generation.

- I wish you'd let me brush your hair.
- My hair's fine.

- Would have taken me two minutes, mate.
- Oh, it's like a temple of fun!

There's booze. There's people in
their finery. There's gambling.

Oh, it's like a James Bond film
without the sex and v*olence.

Okay. Saddle up, gentlemen.

We're about to take down
the king of games, roulette.

So named because it'll rue the day...

it let me spin its shiny, shiny wheel.

Go big or go home.

Whoa! Put the boys
to bed. It's man hour.

That's f*cking great game chat, Angus.

I'm proud of you, man.
Well done. Well done, baby.

No more bets.

Yes.

[croupier] Seventeen black.

- Was that going big?
- Yes. I went big.

That was my entire stack.

Now that you've gone big,
are you gonna go home?

You need to listen to
Angus about game chat, okay?

This guy's putting his
heart and soul into it.

- Shape up, Dylan.
- Sorry.

We're on a lads' night out.

- Shape up. Understand?
- Yep.

Sorry.

[Evie] Getting married in the city
is the one thing that we agreed.

[Mal] Well, not agreed. Discussed.

And it's a really good marquee.

So you've already seen pictures?

[scoffs] Wow.

Well, I can forward you
the e-mail... Or not.

Look, it's just an option.

And who wants that option?
Apart from your mum and dad.

So you're leaning
towards a city wedding?

I'm leaning towards feeling
extremely frustrated with you.

Maybe the feeling's mutual.

[Dylan] Hmm.

And I'll hold.

- Who holds on a ?
- It felt risky.

[exclaims]

You promised you'd go big.
How was that going big?

I was under a lot of
pressure! I made a call!

[sighs] What's happened to us?
How did we forget how to do this?

Angus is drinking rosé.
You're holding on a .

I also have ordered a glass of rosé.

We're supposed to be
partying like pirates.

Dylan? Luke?

- Ah!
- Jonesy?

- [Jonesy laughing]
- What are you doing here?

I'm playing Lady Luck to
some fella that I'm dating.

I say dating. It's more like seeing.

- [Dylan] Hmm.
- Seeing sometimes.

- Are you stalking him?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Stand there while I
peek over your shoulder.

- [both laugh]
- Oh, it's brilliant to see you guys!

- How long has it been?
- Since uni maybe?

Pretty sure last time I saw you,
you were wrapped in a Spanish flag

- catching olives in your mouth.
- [laughs]

Yeah, hardly narrows it down.

- Oh, classic Jonesy.
- So what are you doing these days?

- I am drinking tequila with you guys.
- Now we're talking!

- Come on!
- Do you wanna bring your date?

- I don't!
- Okay.

- I'll just tell Angus.
- [all cheering]

Eh... I'll catch you guys up.

I keep rolling the dice
and shouting numbers

and everyone thinks I'm
doing a good job of it.

I have no idea how the game works.

- Are those all yours?
- Erm, oh, I think so.

Unless I'm looking
after them for everyone.

- [huffs]
- Do you know the rules?

Everyone seems to be worried about
something called "snake eyes."

Forget the rules, dude.
You're on a f*cking streak!

You ride those dice all
the way home to mamacita!

- [blows]
- [dice clatter]

- [both] Yeah!
- [all cheering]

We... we could compromise.

What is the compromise
between a city wedding

and a marquee in the countryside?

- A garage in the suburbs?
- They've paid the deposit.

How about we keep the marquee
but you choose the music?

[laughs] Is that a joke?

Nothing's been finalized.
No firm decisions.

Thanks for keeping me
in the loop. [sighs]

Do you know what? I'm out of here.
There's a firm decision for you.

Don't be childish.

Me, childish?

You're a policeman in his s
that can't say no to his parents.

[chuckles] I'm not going to eat you.

This is the only place where
there aren't any cameras.

If I paid bar prices
every time I went out...

I'd have to sell a kidney.

I don't think they'd
accept one of yours, Jonesy.

[laughs sarcastically]

Mmm. Thanks. This is helping.

- Helping what?
- I'm trying to move on from someone.

Ooh, who?

Evie.

Evie? [inhales sharply]

- Oh, that's brutal.
- [chuckles]

- Good luck.
- Thanks. Mmm.

This feels like movement.

So... give me a kiss.

Just doing my bit for the
cause. Keeping you... moving.

[people cheering]

Go all in for a big finish.

Uh...

All of it?

[Luke] Do it, dude.

Double it or kiss it goodbye. It
doesn't get any bigger than this.

It's what lads do, isn't it?

It's what f*cking pirates would do!

Yes.

I'm doing it.

All of it. Everything on the next roll!

Ah! [panting]

Yeah?

[blows]

[grunts softly]

[whispering] Come on.

[exhales sharply]

Did I get snake face?

Dude.

You won.

- Yeah!
- [all cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

ã , in cash. [chuckles]

I can't put it in my bank
account. Helen would notice.

Well, she doesn't know I'm here.

I told her there was a
database crisis at work.

"Database Crisis" sounds
like a band Dylan would like.

[laughs]

[Angus] What shall I do with the money?

You could dig a lot of wells in
places that don't have enough wells.

Or you could invest it. I know
a couple of great tech start-ups

that are crowdfunding.

- You guys are the worst lads ever!
- Why?

I mean, yes, but what's your take?

One day, you're gonna be old,
looking back on your lives,

and this night is gonna
be yet another night

where you went for the solid,
safe, reliable, k*ll-me-now option.

So, no, you are not going to
invest it or give it to charity,

or bank it or spend one
more minute looking at it.

You are going to blow that
on cocaine and hookers!

- Strippers and champagne?
- [inhales sharply]

Ooh.

Jonesy, you are like the
patron saint of partying.

One night... Two and
a half grand to burn!

[Jonesy grunting]

Devastation!

- [Dylan] Whoo!
- All right, you!

We want your most
expensive bottle of tequila,

every lemon you possess and
a bucket in case I throw up.

[all] Yeah! [Luke] f*ck yeah!

[doorbell rings]

[cell phone ringing]

[indistinct]

I'll be back in a sec.

How's it going with the parents?

They having second thoughts about you?

Where are you guys? I want to come out.

Uh... we're not really
doing anything fun.

Ah, this is brilliant.

- Sounds like it's brilliant.
- Yeah, er...

It's really just a lads' night out.

- Where are you?
- We're going to a strip club.

- It'll be disgusting and disappointing.
- Which one?

My phone battery's about to run
out, so write this down quickly.

In about minutes
we're leaving to go to...

Lu... Luke? Luke?

[Luke grunts] Top me up.

- Who was that?
- Er, wrong number.

- You were talking to them for a long time.
- They were very persistent.

- [Angus chuckling]
- [cell phone ringing]

[Dylan] Ooh. Hold on.

Yeah, I'm confiscating that.

Real lads don't take phone calls.

Jonesy!

- Lead us to our doom!
- [all whooping]

Come on!

[hip-hop music playing]

Overpriced champagne and you
get to throw money at people.

This is the place to
burn a couple of grand.

You had me at champagne.
Let's get this party started!

[all] Whoo!

Oh. Hello.

So do we buy our dr*gs off you
or is there another system here?

I think you've had
your fun for the night.

Hey, Curly. Show the man some love.

- With a hug?
- With some of that sweet bankroll.

Do you take bribes?

All right. Enjoy your evening.

- How much did you give him there?
- ã .

Ooh, the girls are gonna love you.

- Who wants flaming sambucas?
- [Dylan] Light me up!

Okay, for me, that was too big.

- Smaller bribes from now on?
- I think so, yeah.

Yeah, just... just take 'em
down a notch or two, Angus.

- All right, mate?
- Okay.

[hip-hop music playing]

So, what have you been
doing the last few years?

This.

[laughing]

Do you know there's a ridiculous
amount of free money behind the bar?

[Jonesy] Yeah, I do it on
principle. [Angus] This is amazing.

It's like a bar where all the
girls have taken their clothes off.

Excuse me, could we have, uh,
burritos for everyone, please?

Thank you very much. Now that
sh*t's rock and roll. [laughs]

Excuse me. [stammers] What's the
quickest way to waste money here?

I don't actually know.
It's my first week here.

- Oh, well done.
- Oh, thanks.

Erm, but I guess champagne
and a lot of private dances?

Okay, well, we will have
four bottles of champagne

and four straws.

Oh, how much is a dance?

ã . Do you want one?

- I'd like to dance.
- I can give you one.


Erm... you have to sit still, though.

[chuckles] Okay.

That's not... You're not actually
gonna... There's no way you're going...

Does he know what...

[hip-hop music continues playing]

Ah...

Yes, this place does nothing
for me, if I'm honest.

It's not...

I'm just saying, this... this
place does nothing for me.

Really, it's not even...

- ["Funky Cold Medina" playing]
- The tunes are good though.

Yeah, it'd be rude not to, wouldn't it?

["Funky Cold Medina" continues playing]

- Is that Jonesy with Dylan? What...
- Irrelevant. What are you doing here?

I had to look in two other
strip clubs to find you.

One gave me an application form.

- Good to know I have options.
- [chuckles]

Well, I told you you'd hate
it. Probably best go home, eh?

Stop trying to get rid of me.

- Fine. Dance with me.
- Can we talk?

- I would rather talk.
- We'll talk while we jive.

We could go back to my place.

No, I don't want to do
the whole waking up thing.

Um, I'll make you eggs.

- Are you in love with me?
- I don't think so.

So shut up about eggs.

What do you really, actually
want to do right now?

I'm happy to go with your suggestion.

Step into my office.

[slow R&B music playing]

[chuckles]

- I'm Holly.
- Angus.

Oh. Can you tell me if
I'm doing this right?

Oh, I... I can't. I've got
nothing to benchmark it against.

They don't exactly give
you any training. [chuckles]

- [stammering] How did you get the job?
- It turned up.

Oh, well, I think
you're doing brilliantly.

Thanks. They did say by two
minutes in I should be naked.

- Are you timing us?
- No.

- Would you like me to?
- Do you mind?

Oh, I can put the countdown
timer on my phone. It will buzz.

_

[both breathing heavily]

Are you still thinking about Evie?

Well, I am now.

[clicks tongue]

I didn't think that one through.

[clicks tongue] Oh...

No, let's do this.

- I... What?
- [scoffs]

My friend Jason, who's
like... my alcohol sensei...

He said that you should
drink until you can't

- remember the night you've just had.
- Mmm.

But not drink if you're trying
to forget the day ahead of you.

Look, Evie is getting married
and that is a big deal.

You only do that two or three times.

You, my friend... You're gonna have
to start pointing yourself forward.

Life's too short to just
keep going round in circles.

[softly] Yeah.

You're right.

You're completely, completely right.
[slurring] You just... It makes sense.

I just have to go to
sleep now for a little...

little bit, but it makes sense. I am...

Can you e-mail me
everything you just said?

I just don't want to forget about...

Hmm...

- Can I draw on your face?
- [snorts]

I think that's a yes.

I mean, he's just doing it because
his parents are telling him to.

If he's struggling to say no,

it's not necessarily because
he wants to annoy you.

Maybe he wants a country wedding.

Maybe it's you he's
struggling to say no to.

Thanks, chief. Put that on the tab.

You've spent it.

- All of it?
- [mouths] All of it.

[huffs] Amazing.

[inhales sharply] Uh, Eves... I am
a little bit maxed out at the moment,

how would you feel about
popping that on the old plastic?

[sighs]

Thank you.

One more burrito, please, mate.

What?

[slow R&B music playing]

So... Taking off the bra in a second.

Ooh, it's a big moment.

Yeah, I've only brought people
drinks. It's a big step onwards.

Oh, well, you don't have to.

- I think it's expected.
- You could tell them I asked you not to.

I just need to build a bit
of momentum up, you know.

Erm, would you mind some chitchat?

Okay. Um...

- How was your day?
- Good. Yeah.

Uni was interesting.

- Oh, what are you studying?
- Computational mathematics.

Comp ems?

- Do you know the subject?
- Know it? I lived it.

For three years. Loved
every second of it. [gasps]

That was unexpected.

I thought it might be
better as a surprise.

You know, like, if I jumped
out at you from behind a bush.

It worked. [chuckles]

- This is really sexy.
- [both chuckle]

Oh. [gasps] Am I allowed
to have an erection?

I'm sorry if it's not
allowed. It just happened.

It's because you're
gorgeous and you love maths.

You have really amazing eyes.

My heart's b*ating really fast.

Yeah, mine, too.

[chuckles]

[Luke] Ah, this looks promising.

- Where's Jonesy?
- I've moved on from Evie, Luke.

It's all going to be fine. Ask Jonesy.

Uh, hold that thought,
because Evie is here.

Don't... Don't panic.

On the upside, we're being thrown
out. Angus had sex with a stripper.

[laughs]

We weren't having sex,
we were making love.

- Out you go.
- I thought we were bribery friends.

- I want my money back.
- You are not allowed to touch the girls.

- They're not whores.
- How dare you call her that!

[Evie] Angus! Stop it! Let's just go!

Can someone give Holly my number?

It's - ...

Why isn't anyone writing this down?

- ...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't come any closer.

[crowd exclaims]

[stuttering]

Helen's bound to find out, isn't she?

I'm going to end up with a
conviction for criminal damage!

We went pretty big, didn't we?

Oh, we took it to the biggest.

In the moment, though...

I swear it felt like love.

Does it matter that it's wrong?

[stutters] I should care.

Well, I don't! It was fantastic!

[Angus chuckles]

What's that say about
me? Does that matter?

[sighs]

How're you doing, Dyl?

I'm gonna be fine.

[Pete] It's a full house, so
we put them in the corridor.

- Thanks for writing that off, Pete.
- Aye, no problems, mate.

[cell door unlocking]

[Evie] I shouldn't
have run off like that.

It's... an old habit.
Probably not a good one.

I just want us both to be happy.

You make it sound easy.

It's not though, is it? It's work.

Are you still up for that?

Yeah.

_

So where did you end up that night?

Well, technically, I
was still on a date,

so I went back to the
casino to find him.

- [laughs]
- He hadn't even noticed I was gone.

Yeah. He was a real keeper.

You seem a lot happier.

Yeah. Getting there.

I'm just sorry I forgot all your advice.

Oh, sh*t, yeah, I was
meant to e-mail you...

But then, well, you know.

- Life.
- I know.

This is a welcome reminder.
Timely... you know?

And did you meet someone else?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did, I met... I
met someone really great.

Well, when that goes tits
up, you know where to find me.

- Around and about, and usually out.
- [both laugh]

Classic Jonesy.

- The world beyond Luke and Angus.
- Not that they're not enough for anyone.

Absolutely. They are
high-quality people.

- You'll like Evie.
- What if I don't?

Can I send her back?

I think you will.

All this cheerfulness
is making me nervous.

I'm just... I'm happy
to be here with you.

Erm, you know, they'll like
you and you'll have a good time.

What if I panic and I get too drunk,

and I say terrible things
and throw up on people?

- Then you'll fit right in.
- [laughs]

It's Angus' divorce party.

Why are you so cheerful?
It's like you know something.

I'm... I'm just... I'm
honestly just happy.

There's literally nothing
on my mind. No big questions.

It's really quite a
pleasant feeling, actually.

It's quite unnerving.

I could get used to it.
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