03x07 - Tasha

[bunniefuu]

So, it's... It's
complicated, isn't it?

It's a lot of change.

Yeah, but, you know,

before it was like...

Di-dum, Di-dum, Di-dum, change.

Da Di-dum, Di-dum, Di-dum,
little bit of change.

Di-dum, Di-dum, Di-dum...

change!

[GASPS] Could you please not do that?

But it's how it felt, though.

Just describe things to me, quietly.

Well...

Okay. So, ages ago, there
was this girl Phoebe.

She was with Dylan, so I never
did anything, not properly,

and then it was too late.

But that was kind of okay because...

there was Evie mooching about single,

and there was Dylan
declaring his love for

someone he'd been
with for a few weeks,

and there was me, in bed, you
know, staving off the loneliness

with someone who didn't give
a sh*t about me. [STAMMERS]

I knew where I was with that.

[INHALES DEEPLY] And then
they changed things.

They moved on.

Dylan and Evie are a couple now, and
it's a different world because of it.

Maybe I just haven't found
my place in it yet.

[GROANING]

You know what? I really don't
see why we have to do this.

We're going to six
weddings this summer,

and you haven't bought a
single wedding present.

That is six lots of gifts.
Those costs rack up.

Can I stick to my original plan?

No one wants a signed photo of you.

You say that, but if it's between that

and some freakin' two-toned
tangerine salt shaker...

Lots of our friends get excited
about tableware these days.

We're adults now. We have to
accept that and act like it.

You know, uh... Dylan?

- Tasha!
- Where?

[GRUNTS]

Guessing you never called her then.

[WHISPERING] No. She's the only one.

I sent her the blue card
and ran for the hills.

Yeah, I can definitely
understand that.

[CHATTERING]

Bit cold for a summer party, isn't it?

Where's global warming
when you need it?

That's if you believe in it at all.

Man-made climate change. What're
we really looking at here?

A lot of poor countries being
forced to sign treaties

that constrain their
emissions, limit their growth,

while the superpowers carry
on business as usual.

Sounds more like an
instrument for social order

than an environmental crisis to me.

- Right, Dylan?
- What? Oh, yeah, uh, absolutely.

This queue's taking forever.
I'll see what's happening.

Yeah, so, I need to
break up with Tasha.

Oh, really? She seems
like such a hoot.

First, I was like, you know, "Here's
a girl who knows her own mind."

That was kind of sexy.

Now it's like she has some kind of
alternative opinion on everything.

The thing she said about civil
rights felt the wrong side of edgy.

I don't even understand what she's
talking about half the time,

so I've started agreeing
with everything.

'Cause it's easier and less confusing.

Yeah. Well, to bring you up to speed,
you're now a climate change denier.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Am I? sh*t!

Sorted, we're going in.

Oh. Changed my mind. I'm
actually very fond of her.

[CHATTERING]

Ugh. God, I hate daytime drinking.

How have you managed to
drag me along to this?

Because you're a supportive
friend who understands

I desperately need to
end my sex drought.

Will you stop calling it that?
A week is not a drought.

A week is an incredibly long time.

- God created the world in a week.
- Angus gets it.

I'm a very sexual person.

You're right, Luke. Your penis is
gonna shrivel up and fall off.

[STAMMERS] Does that ever happen?

Well, Angus, let's distance
ourselves from this negativity.

Let's get a decent vantage
point to scope out the babes.

Ooh!

- Not a bad view.
- Yeah.

Except for the cathedral, a
deceptively ugly building.

A lot of people would disagree.

Oh, please. Gothic
architecture is the least...

But I'm not one of them. So,
anyway, um... [CLEARS THROAT]

There's something I wanted to...

What?

Nothing. I just...

I feel like we see eye-to-eye on
practically everything. You know?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

It's nice. It's a nice
feeling. Don't you think?

Yeah...

[STUTTERS] Um, that's actually kind of
what I wanted to talk to you about,

'cause, um...

[CLICKS TONGUE] Ahem.

Look, the past couple of months
has been great. [CHUCKLES]

And, uh, um... I mean, I
think you're amazing...

Um... And, uh...

you're so beautiful, and you're clever,
and you're full of conviction.

Um... [CLICKS TONGUE]

- Uh, I'm rambling now.
- Dylan, stop.

I... I know where this is going.

You do?

And it's been great for me, too.

Just please don't say anything
else. [STUTTERS] I get it.

- Really?
- I do.

[STAMMERING] Okay, uh, 'cause
I wasn't sure if you would.

Uh, so... [CHUCKLES]

So that... That's cool?

- Oh, it's cool. Relax. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES] Oh. Phew.

- I'm gonna get some food.
- Okay. Okay.

I guess I'll see you around.

[CHUCKLES]

Guys, guys, I need some urgent advice.

Yes, you should get a haircut.

We'll see you in a bit. We're busy.

Please! I have an
urgent situation here!

[SCOFFS] You know what? I
knew this would happen.

I'm sorry. I do not have time
for your romantic dramas today.

I have a very specific goal and
will not be distracted at any cost.

How come Angus gets
to hang out with you?

Angus is buying me a drink
'cause I left my wallet at home.

You said you wanted to catch up.

- Yeah, sure. That, too.
- Angus?

I'm with Luke on this. It's two-for-one
on daiquiris until three p.m.

If I don't get a piece of that action,
I'm literally gonna take my own life.

Come on, just give
me seconds, guys!

[GROANS] Okay, fine.

I'm timing this. We're
walking and talking.

Okay, okay. So, it's this
Tasha breakup, okay?

I'm about to have the conversation
and then it occurs to me.

I've been agreeing with
everything she says for weeks.

She won't see this coming.

So, I think I need to let
her down really gently.

Does that sound tactless?
I really don't mean it...

- Clock's ticking. Get to the point.
- Don't interrupt!

- You're burning your time, Dyl.
- Wait, wait.

- Have you stopped the clock...
- Ten seconds.

Oh, for... I may have been a
bit too gentle, all right?

I think we broke up, but I guess my
question is, how do I know for sure?

Okay, fine. What exactly
did you say to her?

Oh, I said, um, she's
beautiful, clever,

and the past couple
of months were great.

And?

Oh, and, uh, she said it's
been great for her, too.

Then she kissed me and left.

- That's not a breakup.
- No?

You paid her a series of
compliments. That's not a breakup.

She's really intuitive.

She may have seen this coming
and taken it really well.

For a guy who falls
in love twice a week,

you are surprisingly bad
at ending relationships.

[CHUCKLES]

Go talk to her again. No
pussyfooting. Be direct.

Direct. Okay. Be direct.

[INHALES SHARPLY AND CLEARS
THROAT] He's paying.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[CHUCKLES] Hey. Where's Luke?

Uh, well, I bought him a beer, then
he shouted thanks and ran away.

Should've seen it coming,
really. [INHALES]

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

You know what I was thinking? It's
cool we're friends now, isn't it?

It really is.

- [CHUCKLES]
- To think it was only two months ago

I locked myself in our
hotel bathroom in Tenerife

after you dumped me.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yeah, I still feel bad about that.

- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]

Who'd have thought it was possible

somebody could cry for
hours straight?

And yet there I was,
absolutely doing it.

Yeah... Uh...

[INHALES SHARPLY] So, on that... I
wanted to talk to you about something.

Joe was maybe gonna
come this afternoon,

and I can totally say no if
you don't feel comfortable.

But I just thought, as we're friends
now, that it might be okay.

You mean Joe, the guy you're seeing
in a casual, non-serious basis?

I don't know if I used those exact
words. I maybe said it was early days.

Well, Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to. [CHUCKLES]

So, you wouldn't mind?
It wouldn't be weird?

Uh... Hello. [CHUCKLES] Of
course not. Don't be silly.

Okay, cool. Well,
I'll give him a call.

Oh, you bloody do
that, pal. [CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

No.

[GRUNTING SOFTLY] No.

Now we're talking.

- Hey...
- What, man?

Got a problem.

Not you as well. Why am I suddenly
everyone's favorite agony aunt?

You're really good at this stuff.
You've got a strategic mind.

I do excel at strategy.
All right, what is it?

Think I might want Evie back.

[GROANS]

Give it to me straight.

Do you think she invited Joe
here to make me jealous?

Female of the species and all that? They
can be quite mysterious, can't they?

Can't they?

Do I think Evie ended things with
you and started seeing someone else

in order to get back into the
relationship you guys were already in?

Yeah, well, when you
put it like that...

- Stranger things have happened.
- With respect, buddy, they haven't.

What shall I do?

I don't know, man. Uh...

If it's meant to be,

Evie will realize this Joe ain't
got nothing on you, okay?

You've got to give it some time.

Ideally do so ten to
feet away from me.

- Give it time.
- [SIGHS]

- You know what, you're right.
- Hmm.

Apart from me, Evie has a history of
going for egocentric, hipster dropouts.

- [SCOFFS]
- Yeah, he's bound to be one of them.

I need to wait for
her to realize that.

Oh, hey, maybe if I hang out with
them loads, it'll happen quicker.

- That is a terrible idea.
- Debatable.

Oh, come on!

[SIGHS]

Joe! [CHUCKLES]

- Hey. How you doing?
- Hey.

- Tasha, Angus, this is Joe.
- Hey, guys.

- Joe, this is the guys.
- Hey.

- Lovely to meet you.
- Yeah. And you.

Can't believe I've not been here
before. It's two minutes from mine.

Oh, trendy area alert. [CHUCKLES]

So, what do you do, Joe?
Oh! No, let me guess.

Um, in a cool
band/technically unemployed?

Not sure the city philharmonic
counts as a cool band, but...

What?

- I play violin with the orchestra.
- Seriously?

Well, only part-time. By
day, I'm a social worker.

Oh, f*cking hell.

- Hmm?
- Sorry?

I mean, f*cking hell!

Must be tough, juggling two jobs.
Well done, you. [CHUCKLES]

Joe, you haven't got a
drink. Let's address that.

- See you in a bit, guys.
- See you.

Ugh. Christ, he goes on a bit.
"Ooh, I'm a social worker."

Jesus, could you be any more needy?

I disagree. He seemed like a nice guy.

I prefer when you're being
more controversial.

- [DYLAN] Hey, I got you a drink.
- [TASHA] Oh.

Just met Joe. He seems nice.

Oh, God. Yeah, we all love
Joe! He's a fantastic guy!

Um, could we go somewhere quieter?

Sure.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Um... So, before, um, when
I said you were great...

truthfully, that was, uh,
building up to something else.

Yeah, I know.

[CHUCKLES] No, I don't think
you do, 'cause, um...

It's my fault. I wasn't being clear.

You were. And I shut you down.

I do that sometimes.

I knew you were gonna say
this big thing to me.

I guess I didn't wanna
hear it, so I played dumb.

Oh, so, you did know.

[CHUCKLES] I totally thought you
had the wrong end of the stick.

No, no. I just needed time
to process it, that's all.

Anyway, I've thought
about it now, and...

f*ck it.

I love you, too.

Sorry. Uh, you love me, too?

That's what you were
building to before, right?

The last few months have been great. You
think I'm wonderful. Blah, blah, blah.

And you love me.

You told her you were
in love with her!

It felt rude not to! It's
a complex situation.

[STUTTERS] She's very strong-willed.

No, you're not blaming
her. That's easy.

The problem here is you, my friend.

Christ, some people make
this look so simple.

When Phoebe dumped me the other
month, it took, like, seconds.

In and out, just like that.
Why can't I be like that?

Yeah, let's not worry too much
about Phoebe right now, okay?

I can do good cop. I'm great at that.
I don't know how to do bad cop.

[LUKE SIGHS]

All right. Fortunately for you,
my lady in red has vanished,

and I've given up on having sex again.

And?

That frees me up to deal with
your situation once and for all.

- What do you mean?
- I mean,

watching you try and
break up with this girl

is like watching a car
crashing in slow motion.

And I'm not talking about a
minor fender bender here.

I'm talking about a
-car pileup, okay?

Twisted metal, ambulances,
body parts all over.

Graphic, but go on.

You're too nice.

It's one of your best qualities. It
gives me a tremendous friend erection.

I've told you not to use that phrase.

But in a fix like this?
Forget about it, okay?

You're out of your depth and,
bluntly, you're out of options.

I have to break up with
your girlfriend for you.

I'm not comfortable
with that idea at all.

Oh, really? Fine. Go back
to the woman you love.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

- Evie's been gone a while.
- Huh? Yeah.

Wonder where she's gone. Gone
to the bar or something...

You and her, going well?

Yeah, yeah, seems to be, yeah.

Yeah, we're actually planning
a little weekend away, so...

That's excellent news.

Yeah. A little mini-break.

Yeah, I'm familiar
with the concept, yep.

At first I was like, "Is this
moving a little bit too quickly?"

"Better just to end it."

But then I was like, "I'm
just gonna go with the flow."

Oh.

It should be nice. A getaway,
get to know each other better.

You'd think it would be nice.

Yeah, exactly.

One minute, you're having a
moonlit stroll along a beach,

the waves lapping at your feet.

Nice, sounds ideal!

Next minute she's
telling you it's over.

It's like your heart's been
ripped out of your chest

and tossed into the night.

Sorry?

[GRUNTS] Nothing, I'm fine.

- Are you crying?
- No!

- Are you sure?
- I really don't think I am.

Sorry, guys. Queue for the ladies'.

- What's going on?
- I literally have no idea.

- Nothing! We're having a great time!
- Why are you shouting?

Don't know. I'm quite confused.

I'm guessing you guys
used to date, or...

- Yeah, briefly.
- Okay, guys!

You've got me. I'm feeling
a lot of emotions.

I'm feeling very emotional.

Do you guys need some space?

Angus, what are you doing?

I'm gonna give you guys...

- It's probably for the best, thanks.
- Angus!

Joe, you don't have to go.

It's cool. You...

You do your thing. We'll chat later.

I'm really sorry. I'll
call you in a bit.

No worries.

[TASHA] Excuse me.

Luke, have you seen Dylan?
He keeps running off.

Ah. Yeah, that's actually sort of
what I wanted to talk to you about.

- Uh, shall we sit down for a minute?
- Okay.

Uh, okay, listen, Tash. Uh,
Dylan, he's a complicated guy.

He has a very complicated
relationship with women.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Okay, well...

He's afraid of his own feelings.

- I don't disagree...
- What he needs

is a girl to be like,
"You know what? No.

You need to stop falling in
and out of love so easily."

[CHUCKLES] God, that's true.

That's why it's such a good thing
he's committing to this relationship,

because we don't learn anything in
life by living in fairy tale land.

We learn by facing the reality of
our vulnerabilities, you know?

Sorry, what were you gonna say?

[CHUCKLES]

It's like you can see into his soul.

- You guys are gonna give it another go.
- What?

She seems very insightful about you.

She's very convincing!

She seems insightful
about a lot of things.

It doesn't mean she's always right.

She thinks Waterworld's
the best film ever made.

Terrible example.
Waterworld's a great film.

Then you go out with her!

The good news here is I now see
this is not entirely your fault.

- Thank you!
- Big picture,

you're both impossible.

This is great. We're
making progress here.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying...

you need to buy a new suit. You'll
probably have to marry this girl.

- That is not funny! I'm serious!
- Ah...

I know "hate" is a strong word,

but do you know how exhausting
it is going out with someone

who has the opposite opinion to every
single person on every single topic?

I mean, you can't go 'round
disagreeing with received wisdom,

thinking it makes you
unique! It doesn't!

It makes you completely f*cking...

- No, go on. What, Dylan?
- sh*t!

What does it completely
f*cking make me?

Endearing?

It's okay! There was no contact!

- [GROANS]
- [CROWD GASPS]

Okay, that one got me.
That was absolutely plum.

- You know what, Dylan.
- [COUGHING]

You might find my views controversial,
but at least I'm honest.

And here's something
none of your friends

will ever have the balls to tell you.

What you're looking
for, it doesn't exist!

It doesn't matter who you end up
with. You will never be happy!

- Get out of my way, Luke!
- Yes, ma'am. Yes, indeed.

There's nothing to see here, guys.

Let's wrap this up, okay?

[GRUNTS AND SIGHS]

See?

You can do bad cop.

[BOTH GROAN]

Angus...

What's going on? What was that?

"Joe." [SCOFFS]

I mean, what kind of name is "Joe"?

Quite a normal one?

That's what you want, is
it? Plain old normal?

What?

I think you deserve
better. That's all.

I mean, what's that
guy got that I don't?

Apart from Grade violin.

I guess I thought you were
okay with all of this.

You and I weren't right
for each other like that.

And not on any level.

Emotionally, physically...

I've never had any complaints before.

Exactly my point.

Look, you are clearly a dedicated
and, frankly, well-endowed lover.

- Thanking you.
- But sex with us just never felt right.

You know it didn't, not really.

[SIGHS]

Angus, we are so much
better as friends.

I get that we can't
be together, and...

I really do want to be
your friend. I just...

I might need more time to get used
to seeing you with other people.

I should have been more
sensitive to that.

I'm really sorry. It was silly of me.

Mates?

Mates.

[CHUCKLES]

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I just need to go home and think about
what kind of man I am for a bit.

[CHUCKLING]

You're a good person, Dylan. All
right? You are the best-est.

And sure, that was a very
unfortunate, very, um...

very public incident, but it
could've happened to anyone, man.

Sort of.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Hey, thank you.

What for?

I mean...

that Phoebe stuff recently.

You were up drinking with me all
night, making sure I was okay,

and now all this today is...

You coming?

No, mate. I'm gonna stick
around for a bit, yeah. [SIGHS]

Finish my drink.

♪ Minor chords and major arcana ♪

♪ Little leather jacket ♪
♪ And a black bandanna ♪

♪ Kicking over trash cans ♪
♪ And telling jokes in Atlanta ♪

♪ When I got the fever ♪

♪ It hit me like a fan on the back ♪
♪ Of my head ♪

♪ I don't know who I am ♪
♪ But I'm free for nothing ♪

♪ Good for nothing, too ♪ [VOCALIZES]

[WOMAN] I've been waiting for you
to come and talk to me all day.

I thought you'd left.

Nope. Just hanging out.

Looking for someone to help me
forget about my ex-boyfriend.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I can definitely
help you with that.

[CHUCKLES]

Man...

when did I get so good
at burying stuff?

Everybody does it. It's human nature.

Yeah, but, with me, it's
like a pathological thing.

Uh, maybe.

But you're talking about
it now, and that's good.

You've got to give yourself a break.

I mean, we all have issues, right?

We just spent minutes
hiding in a shop

because I can't handle confrontation.

[CHUCKLES]

Plus, what if Tasha was right and
I'm never truly happy with anyone?

Evie's not just anyone, is she?

Doesn't stop me freaking out about it.

I think, uh...

I think I might like
Jonesy a little bit.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Was it that obvious?

You do realize she's gonna
be at the reunion tonight.

I know, that's exactly
what I'm afraid of.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Do you think other
people are as dysfunctional as we are?

Well...

if they're not, then they're boring and
I want nothing more to do with them.

We haven't done well on
the wedding gift front.

Where to next?

You know what? [CLICKS TONGUE]

Go with the signed photos, I say.
They'd be lucky to have them.

Exactly what I'm saying, you
know. I mean, real casual-like.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I lost my job in Hong Kong ♪

♪ Trading against the pound ♪

♪ They said they had no other choice ♪

♪ Yeah, they were pretty rough hours ♪

♪ And the crowds got me down ♪

♪ And then I started hearing voices ♪