02x01 - The Hotel

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ Black and white city,
city wall, city wall ♪

♪ Uh, drink that, uh ♪

♪ She could be dancing down a
hall, dancing down a hall... ♪

Stop laughing at him.

WAITER: Who's got the lava flow?

Yeah. Come to mama.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hold on a second.

- (laughs) Are you serious?
- MICKEY: What?

- What?
- Where are your manners? You don't even ask?

Well, of course I don't ask.

Well, don't you think you should?

Lava flows don't grow on trees.

Okay, you guys are off
spending thousands of dollars

on your own private villas.

Meanwhile, I'm crammed into one
hotel room with Jimmy and Alba.

And I can't even order myself a drink?

After everything I've done for you?

You b*rned our house down.

Ben b*rned the house down.

Well, you gave me the lighter.

Yeah, and that'll be the
last thing I ever give you.

Mickey, it was one thing

when you were squatting in our mansion,

but now you're costing us money.

CHIP: All right, all right.

I'll tell you what.
You can have the drink,

but you have to lick it
from a saucer like a cat.

Nice.

I'm not gonna be drinking like a cat.

Oh, then you're not
gonna be drinking at all.

MICKEY: This is ridiculous.

You guys have been feeding
Alba drinks for weeks.

Well, yeah, that's 'cause it annoys you

and that's funny to us.

- Right.
- MICKEY: It's not funny.

It's not funny at all. She
has a problem. Look at her.

You think this is a game?!

You think I am joking?!

Fix it, mango brain. Go!

What are you looking at?

- Alba's scaring me.
- Yeah, no kidding.

Try sleeping with her. She's the devil.

Now give me my drink.

No!

Fine. How about I leave

and you guys can find
yourself a new guardian?

Please. Where are you gonna go?

This place is amazing.

SABRINA: Yeah, come on, Mickey.

Are you really gonna leave all this?

The food, the service.

God, even the people are better looking.

Have you seen those women at the bar?

MICKEY: The escorts? Uh-huh.

- Wait, seriously?
- JIMMY: Oh, yeah.

They're insanely overpriced.

So I've heard.

That's so frickin'
awesome. Excuse me, sir.

Can you take this drink to the ladies

at the bar? Tell them
to keep up the good work.

I-I don't work here.

I'm Barry Kotler.

Your money manager.

- Oh, yeah. Right.
- Oh, that's where he's from.

I-I've tried calling you several times.

Uh, well, we've kind of
been off the grid, so...

Well, not according to
your bank statements.

Your spending is out of control.

Well, you pay for quality.

- Am I right?
- (laughs): Yeah.

I don't think you're hearing me.

It's my responsibility to make sure

that this money lasts a lifetime,

so, I'm freezing your accounts

- until we can come up with a strategy.
- CHIP: No, no.

- You will do no such thing.
- Absolutely not.

(laughs): I like it.
I like this. Nice one.

No, I've already got you another hotel.

I'm sure it will be more than adequate.

(Mickey laughs)

No frickin' way.

- This isn't real. Is this real?
- I don't like it here.

Yeah. Yeah, this isn't
quite as funny on its feet.

Okay, you know, I'm gonna jump in here.

Barry, I'm afraid we're
gonna have to let you go.

Okay, I'm not sure who you
are, but I don't work for you.

Well, you work for me and I say
hit the frickin' bricks, dog.

I work for your parents.
You can take it up with them.

- Screw that!
- Yeah, screw them.

- Yeah, let's trash the place! (yells)
- Whoa!

BARRY: Hey!

- What the... come on.
- Oh, okay, listen.

Barry, Barry, I'm gonna
ask you to leave now.

It's for your own safety. Okay?

BARRY: Your spending is out...

There's no room service. There's no spa!

The only frickin' amenity
is a fricking Bible!

All right, all right.
Everyone calm down.

I got this under control.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

- You're used to being poor.
- Yeah.

And I'd rather die than go back.

JIMMY: Yeah? I got one for you.

We head back to the Fairbanks.

I swan dive into the shallow end.

What's that gonna do?

Well, in a perfect world,
it's gonna snap my neck,

and then we get free rooms
for the rest of our lives.

Jimmy, can you stop
talking? I have a plan.

Can we just get rid of this guy already?

It's insane that he's lasted this long.

Oh, you're just gonna thr...

Fine!

I hope you burn in hell.

(door opens)

All right, so, what's the plan?

Hold on, hold on, everybody
just hold your horses, all right?

I got a few demands.

- For starters, I want my own villa.
- (Sabrina sighs)

Fine, just get on with it.

Oh, I'm not done.

I also want per diem.

I'm thinking a thousand dollars a day

and I want you to respect me.

(both laugh)

Yeah, that's kind of
something you got to earn.

Fine. Give me your ring
and I'll take that watch.

You, too, Ben. Empty those pockets.

- No way.
- Yeah, right.

Oh, yeah? Okay.

- Uh, good luck. Ugh.
- CHIP: Wait, no, no, no.

- All right.
- Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, Mickey.

- Yeah?
- SABRINA: All right.

Oh-oh, what is it? What is that?

- Geez.
- All right. Yeah.

- It's very expensive, so...
- Come on, come on.

Ooh. Interesting. Okay. Here we go.

I'll take it.

Let's get down to it.

Boom.

I don't get it.

It's Barry's phone.

- I swiped it.
- So?

Everything you need
to know about a person

is in their phone... their
secrets, their weaknesses.

For example... oh. What's this?

His family?

Oh, you see family?

I see leverage.

Come on, let's roll.

Alba, look after...

(snoring)

Boys, keep an eye on Alba.

Not it.

CHOIR (on TV): ♪ Jesus ♪

Demons walk amongst us.

They have possessed our
brothers and sisters.

We must tie them down and say,

"In the name of the
Lord, I cast you out!"

It's all in here, people.

This book saves lives.

And for a small donation...

My brother's a pretty big guy.
He plays on the varsity team.

Yo, Chip, what's up, man?
I hear you're staying at

- the Courtship Inn.
- Wait, the hotel by the recycling plant?

What? No, I'm not.

Oh. You weren't there this morning?

Uh, no. Why would I be there

when-when I'm already at the Fairbanks?

Wh-Where I have my own
suite, my own minibar,

and a big-ass flat-screen TV

that I can order p*rn
on whenever I want.

Nice.

Yeah, dude.

I'm watching p*rn, like, all day.

I'm watching so much p*rn,
it'll probably give me

unrealistic expectations
about women and relationships.

Where'd you even come up
with a story like that?

My mom works there.

- That sucks.
- Whatever, dude.

I just thought we could carpool, but...

Ah, nah, bro. No can do.

I'm straight chillin' at the Fairbanks.

You should tell your
mom to get a job there.

It's pretty tight.

(scoffs) Yeah, right.

The Courtship.

It's a funny image, though,
'cause it's so far-fetched.

- ♪
♪
- (groans softly) Wha...?

- Hi.
- Benny, what-what is this?

I'm curing you of your wickedness.

What? No.

Benito, untie me now.

- That's the devil talking.
- No.

No, this is me talking,
your best friend, Alba.

(Alba groans)

Oh, oh, oh, Ben, Benny,
there's a bottle in my purse.

Go get it, go get it.

Good boy. Okay.

Yeah, that's it. Uh-huh.
Now bring it, bring it here.

No, no, no!

(demonic voice): Damn you!

(Alba cries)

(straining)

Don't worry. This won't take long.

What? No. What-what are you doing?

"In the beginning...

- No! No!
- ...God created the heavens and the earth."

What up, fam? It's your boy, Chip,

coming at you live from the Fairbanks,

AKA Chip City, AKA my
frickin' house, AK...

Hey, big news. I got pubes.

Stop.

You get our money back yet?

Well, the wheels are in motion.

We're actually here to find an escort

to fall in love with Barry
so we can blackmail his ass.

This is your plan?

Relax. We're working on it.

Yo. What's cooking?

CHIP: The hell did you come from?

I never left.

You don't have a room.

Yeah. I got a method.

I call it "The Jimmy Technique."

I thought The Jimmy Technique
was getting bloodstains

out of pants without washing them.

Yeah, there's more than
one Jimmy Technique.

- Fascinating.
- Yeah.

Excuse us. We're gonna go bag a date.

I don't understand. You've
just been staying here

since we left?

Oh, I've been thriving
here since you left.

Think I could do that, too?

First admit that you need me.

Never gonna happen.

Fine. I'll do it anyway.

- Let's get you a robe.
- Why?

Because no one ever
questions a man in a robe.

And also, you don't give them time to,

because you should always be moving.

Let's roll.

(Sabrina laughs softly)

Are you sure she's an escort?

She's so elegant.

MICKEY: Yeah, beautiful women
like that don't need to sit

and drink alone at hotel bars
in the middle of the afternoon.

I guess that's a good point.

- All right, go talk to her.
- That's not how it works.

There's a protocol
to this kind of thing.

What are you doing?

MICKEY: I'm reaching out with my eyes.

I... what are you trying to communicate?

Sex. Sex for money.

Well, you look like
you're having a stroke.

- Okay?
- I don't...

- SABRINA: I think she... she's coming.
- MICKEY: Oh...

Look at that.

Hi, I'm Aimee.

Hi, Aimee, I'm Mickey.
And this is Sabrina.

Hi. You're so pretty.

Aw, thanks.

So, we're sort of new
to this kind of thing.

You're gonna have to walk
us through how it goes.

Well, I charge $ an hour,

but you guys seem sweet, so
let's just call it a grand

- for both of you.
- Ooh!

(both laugh)

Oh, man. I-I mean, I wish.

- "Both of..."
- But...

- It's just a misunderstanding.
- It's not for us.

But yeah, it's not for us.

It's for our friend Barry.

I got a picture of
him right here for you.

(blows raspberry)

- MICKEY: One little thing: he is married.
- It's okay.

That's good. Now, we need
you to slip him a bone

without him knowing that we paid you.

- So here's what I'm thinking...
- You know,

I don't think I can help you guys.

What do you mean?

- He's gay, right?
- What?

He's got Poundr on his phone.

What the hell's "Poundr"?

It's a gay hookup app.

Oh. It most certainly is.

- Hmm.
- Okay.

What the hell was I
thinking, listening to you?

- Give me that ring back.
- Hey! Stop it.

What are you talking
about? That was great.

Mickey, he's gay.

Yeah, and married.

What a beautiful gift.

What more leverage do you want?

Okay, I-I thought you
would've caught on by now,

but I don't know, maybe
I'm dumber than you are.

What-what is that?

What? Idiot.

(quietly): Okay.

Oh. Hey, what the hell, man?

Always be wet. The wetter the better.

It projects an air of busyness.

Like you're in a rush
and you can't be bothered.

Let's go.

All right.

(stammers): What if I'm hungry?

Yeah. Well.

There's always the found-food option.

It's a bit amateur hour.

What you want to do is hit the buffets,

corporate events, stuff like that.

Yesterday, there was an
insurance brokers convention.

Had a pasta bar.

I'd put it up against any spot in Italy.

You've been to Italy?

I don't have to go to
Italy to know this was good.

Well, don't they ask your room number?

Yeah. And, you know,
but you just make it up.

You really got this figured out.

Oh, damn right.

I got this place wired like Eloise.

How do you know Eloise?

I know a lot of things.

This way.

Afternoon. May I please see a room key?

Oh, God, I... you know, I
must've left it in my pants.

But, uh, we're .

Excellent. Enjoy.

- You look great.
- Thank you.

SABRINA: This is a bad idea, Mickey.

What are you talking about?
It's the exact same plan.

It is not at all the same.

- Because he's gay?
- (distant siren wailing)

- Don't do that.
- No, not because he's gay,

because we were just
at a five-star hotel,

and now we're in a cr*ck alley.

(sighs) Where are all
the fancy male escorts?

Oh, they don't exist.

No, the, uh, pool for
male prostitutes is,

i-it's more like a puddle.

SABRINA: What's the protocol here?

There isn't one.

It's like ordering
peanuts at a ballgame.

(wolf whistles)

No, not you. This guy...
Handsome one, with the arms.

Think she wants you, man. Get it.

You ladies lost?

Nope.

No, we are, uh, in the exact right spot.

You sure?

I mean, I'm not a drug dealer.

I mean, I have dr*gs to sell
you, but that's not what I do.

Uh, no, we are in fact looking
for the company of a man.

Oh, my bad. We just don't get a lot

of pretty ladies around here.

Guess it's my lucky day.

Uh-huh, well, it is and it isn't.

It's for a friend. He's a dude.

Oh. No problem. I'll make it work.

- Aren't you gay?
- Mm, I'm a survivor, sweetheart.

That's what I'm talking
about. Did you hear that?

He is a survivor.

You could learn a lot from this guy.

Yeah. He's a real inspiration.

You are hired.

Rock and roll. Let me
just go get my backpack.

MICKEY: Yeah, get that backpack.

SABRINA: Come on, Barry's
never gonna go for this junkie.

MICKEY: Of course he will.

We just got to slap a
fresh coat of paint on him.

♪ When you're walking down the street ♪

♪ And the man tries
to get your business ♪

♪ And the people that you
meet want to open you up ♪

♪ Like Christmas ♪

- "...king of Judah returned..."
- ♪ 'Cause you're ♪

- (screaming)
- ♪ Filthy ♪

♪ Ooh, and I'm gorgeous ♪

♪ Gorgeous ♪

♪ 'Cause you're filthy ♪

♪ Ooh, and I'm gorgeous ♪

♪ Gorgeous ♪

♪ You're disgusting ♪

♪ Ooh, and you're nasty ♪

♪ And you can grab me ♪

♪ Ooh, 'cause you're nasty. ♪

Yep.

(trilling)

You know who it is.

Another day in paradise.

Sun shining.

Chicken tendies on point.

Peep my sauce game: barbeque,

honey muzz, some kind of
dope ranch or blue cheese...

I'm not really sure, but we're
gonna get to the bottom of it.

Peace.

Cut.

This is beautiful.

I'm sh**ting you from a low angle.

It'll really capture
your power in the frame.

Chips and Dip!

What up, guys?

Who are those guys?

I invited a couple friends over.

Are you nuts?

- You're gonna blow this thing.
- What?

Chill out. We got this place on lock.

That's because we keep it simple, okay?

We do a little here and a little there.

Get some water in your hair,

for Pete's sake.

Chill out, man.

Chill out.

Listen, nobody's gonna notice.

You are flying too close to the sun.

Okay? And old Jimbo
ain't going out like that.

Listen, if you can't handle the
heat, get out of the kitchen.

Big mistake.

You're not gonna last a day without me.

(scoffs) I'm like Eloise up in this bitch.

Maybe if you'd bothered to read Eloise,

you'd realize she's pretty damn lonely.

She's just a little girl...

abandoned in a hotel in New York City.

What up, guys? Let's
get you into some robes.

"And in the grace of
our Lord, Jesus Christ,

to be with you all. Amen."

So, how do you feel?

Very good... thank you.
Now please untie me.

- So, you're all better now?
- Yep, fully cured. Let's go.

- Okay.
- (Alba sighs)

(quietly): Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh. Yes! Oh.

- Ooh, ooh.
- Got it?

(sighs)

Oh. (groans) Where's my sock?

SABRINA: You know,

- I got to admit, he looks pretty great. Yeah.
- He looks good.

Can I just say thank you? I look great.

I feel healthy, I'm drinking water.

I mean, this might not be
significant to you guys,

but I can't even remember the last time

- I had a bottle of...
- That is so good to hear.

It makes me feel good, but we
are in a bit of a time crunch,

- so I'm gonna hang onto this guy.
- Mickey!

- Huh? Hmm?
- What the hell's wrong with you?

What? He can have
water. You can have water

when you're done with the job.

She's right. A deal's a deal.

- Right?
- All right. Okay, fine.

- You know what you're doing, right?
- I think so.

All right, any minute,
Barry's gonna leave for work.

You're gonna follow him,
he'll pull to a stop.

Rear-end him... Just a little tap, okay?

- Your classic meet-cute.
- Yep. You guys will exchange

information, then
eventually, bodily fluids.

And if he still doesn't want
to turn the money back on,

we tell his wife he's banging dudes.

- SABRINA: Mm-hmm.
- This is a great plan.

Aah! He's early.

- Go get 'em.
- Wish me luck.

(engine starts)

All right.

MICKEY: Is this man
aware of speed limits?

It seems fast. I'm not sure
that thing's even gonna...

- Whoa!
- Oh!

MICKEY: And there goes the money.

- Ah, yeah, he didn't like that.
- What the hell, man?!

Didn't you see I was
stopped? Come on, I mean...

Oh, wow. Hey. Oh, you're bleeding.

- Ho. Ho. Ho. I got you. I got you.
- Oh.

- MICKEY: He's mostly staying conscious.
- You okay?

- But they... they did meet.
- Uh.

Wow.

You're... beautiful.

(giggles) Uh...

MICKEY: Hmm.

SABRINA: Holy crap.
I think it's working.

Of course it's working.
It's a great plan.

No. You're dead. Stop.
Just get him, get him.

- You get... get him.
- Excuse me.

- Can I help you gentlemen with something?
- Nah, we're good.

You don't mind if I
see a room key, do you?

Yeah...

(inhales sharply) Must've
left it in my pants.

Oh, no problem. What's the
name on the reservation?

I'd rather not say.

And why is that?

I don't feel comfortable
giving my name out to strangers.

All right, look, fellas,

if you're not guests of the
hotel, you have to leave.

JIMMY: Hey! Hey!

- What the hell's going on?
- (water dripping)

Sir, you're soaking wet.

Oh, well, thanks for
the update, Katie Couric.

I was about to dry off when
I saw you manhandling my boy.

And you're lucky I didn't
bust my ass walking around

- on that marble.
- I just asked if he was a guest at the hotel.

Oh, did you not see
the robe, you jackass?

Quit trying to be a hero, Kurt.

I apologize. That's my mistake.

What can I do to make it right?

Well, look who decided
to show up to work.

You can start by
getting me a towel. Now!

Right away. I'm very sorry.

I'm sorry about that, boys.

World's full of idiots.

I think it's time you head home,

but you can come back any time, okay?

Listen, Jimmy, I...

Hey. It's all right.

Me, too.

- (Alba laughs)
- Yeah?

- Mmm! Kumamotos on point tonight.
- JIMMY: Yeah...

- (all laugh)
- Hey, have another one. Have 'em all.

- It's your day.
- That's right.

- Ah.
- No, you know what? Actually, excuse me?

Can we have a lava flow
for the lady, please?

- Sabrina, thank you.
- You deserve it.

- Mm.
- And I hate to admit it, but you have earned

the teeniest, littlest
bit of my respect.

Look, I am just glad we
are out of the Courtship.

- Am I right?
- JIMMY: Oh, yeah.

I also did not love it there.

- To the Fairbanks.
- MICKEY: Yes!

- Fairbanks!
- (all cheering)

- Ooh, it's Barry!
- Barry!

- (all cheering)
- No, no, no, no.

What... what are you still doing here?

Well, Barr, we live here.
You know what I mean?

- (laughs)
- No. We've been over this.

You cannot afford...

- Is that caviar?
- JIMMY: Yeah.

Little guy's really taken to it.

- I'm eating fish eggs.
- (Sabrina laughs)

No, no, no, not anymore you're not.

Come on, come on, let's go. Fun's over.

No, no, no, no, no,
no. No to you, Barry.

Here's how it's gonna go down.

We're gonna finish eating
our meal, and you're welcome

to join us if you want, but
as soon as we're finished,

little Ben here is gonna hand
the waiter his credit card.

And if I so much as
hear the word "declined"

come out of his mouth, so help me God,

your pretty little wife

is gonna get a
not-so-pretty little package.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- CHIP: Oh, poor Barry.
- BARRY: Where did you get these?

We live on the th floor of
the Fairbanks Hotel, Barry.

- We see everything.
- (Sabrina laughs)

- I don't have a wife.
- MICKEY: Oh, yeah?

Then who, may I ask,
is this lovely lady?

- Where did you get my phone?
- I asked you first.

That is my sister and her kids.

I've been living with them

since their father was
k*lled in Afghanistan.

Mmm...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Well.

If you will all excuse me for a moment,

I am, uh, going to
visit the ladies room.

Guys, I've been working for
your family for a long time,

and I hope I'm not
overstepping my bounds

when I say your aunt is bad news.

- Whoa!
- (guests exclaim)

- Oh!
- Mickey!

- Oh!
- Oh!

(thunder rumbles)

Okay, it's a little charred, I see that.

But it's still a mansion, right?

(sighs) How was I supposed to know

there were gonna be cameras everywhere?

It was a stupid plan to begin with.

I almost broke my neck for you people.

Yeah, until your fat frickin'
fingers got in the way.

- (rain dripping)
- Ugh.

(thunder rumbles)

- (rain falling harder)
- Oh... (scoffs)

- (sighs) I'm going to bed.
- Me, too.

Come on, Benny. Let's
go brush your teeth.

- BEN: I miss the Courtship.
- Let's go.

(rain continues dripping)

What do you say we
call it a night, Mick?

Go ahead. I'll be up in a minute.

(thunder rumbles)