02x02 - The Friend

[bunniefuu]

I thought you were dead.

WOMAN: You can't get
rid of me that easily.

MAN: The accident, you were
under the water too long.

(laughs): Oh, yeah.

I knew that conniving bitch was alive.

Oh, yeah, no.

His wife is going to freak
when she sees them kissing.

- WOMAN (on TV): Max, wait, Max.
- That is his wife.

What? I thought that was his daughter.

Why would he be having
sex with his daughter?

I don't know. Drama?

- Can you pay attention, please?
- I...

I-It's just, it's really irritating

to have to explain everything.

- (lamp crackles, Jimmy yells)
- Oh! My...

All right. Yeah, that's my bad.

I shorted it.

Can you stop with the home repairs?

You're driving me crazy.

- Please!
- Absolutely not, okay?

Aunt Mickey, can you please tell Sabrina

to let us sleep in her room?

Sabrina, let them sleep in your room.

- Mind your own business, moron.
- I tried.

This is not fair! We have
a frickin' squirrel in ours!

Can you just deal with it?

The fire affected everybody,
okay? Not just you.

My toys melted.

His toys melted.

He started it.

Her room is fine.

I am the one getting screwed here.

(all shout)

Uh...

(yells)

That's gonna set me back a few days.

(muffled screaming)

Guys, you know, I'm just gonna get
out of the house for a little bit.

You know, just before I lose my mind.

If anybody needs me,
I will be at the gym.

ALBA: What?

Did you say, "the gym"?

Yep. I've been using
Poodle's membership.

Seems a little out of character for you.

Yeah. What do you do there?

Study for the SATs, Jimmy.

What the hell do you think I do there?

SABRINA: Just be careful, okay?

It's dangerous for
somebody in your shape

to suddenly start working out.

Most people in your shape are boys.

- (chuckles) Oh.
- WOMAN (on TV): Max, Max...

I knew it. I knew it.

You two-timing slut.

All right, let's go, fatty.

Go! All right.

(panting)

- (whoops)
- All right.

- Whoa.
- Hey. Hey!

Hello.

Nope. I'm just trying to...

Hey, do you think that you could

- scoot over a little bit?
- Huh?

There's just nobody
here, so there's no reason

for us to be so close
to each other. (gasps)

Whoa!

(laughing): Oh.

Whoa. Are you okay?

- Oh, yes.
- Great.

'Cause if I were you, I
would be super embarrassed.

- (Cries)
- No, no, I was just joking.

- (crying)
- Oh. It was just a joke.

Please don't cry.

(groans)

It's not that.

It's my ex-husband is getting remarried

(crying): and I have to
lose pounds by Saturday.

- (crying)
- (groans) Yeah, well...

sounds like you got your
work cut out for you,

so I'll just leave you to it.

I mean, you get divorced

and then all of a sudden
you're like this dolphin

that's been in captivity that just

gets released back into the ocean.

Most of those dolphins, they just die.

Well, listen, if it
makes you feel any better,

I saw a TV show about how male dolphins,

they just force themselves
on the female dolphins.

- That was a show?
- Yeah.

So, they're basically just, like,

the sexual predators of the sea.

It's just I'm alone in this giant house

with nobody to talk to and I feel like

(laughs): I'm kind of losing my mind.

You're all alone in a giant house?

- (chuckles)
- (sniffles)

I'm Trish, by the way.

(sniffles) Mickey.

Are you serious? You've had work done?

You look amazing.

Well, yeah, duh, 'cause of the work.

Is it, is it okay if I...?

Do you want to touch my boobs?

Yes. Is that all right?

Okay.

Oh, wow. Nice.

Very real, very real.

That's 'cause they are real.

I had some Botox.

(both laugh)

- Well, that makes more sense, doesn't it?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Sorry about that.
- Okay.

There you go. I'm just gonna
go to the bathroom real fast.

Okay. Just pick a door, any door.

Okay. Thanks for that, by the way.

- (shouts)
- Oh!

Sorry.

God! You stupid beast!

Oh.

(laughs) Just kidding.

- Oh. (laughs)
- Yeah.

You know what, just smash
whatever you want around here.

- Yeah? This piece of garbage?
- No, no, please, God. Put it down. Please,

- please, please, please. Thanks.
- That was just a joke. I won't.

- I definitely won't.
- No, I got it in Venice.

It was... but anything else.

- Right.
- This place is going to crap.

I keep meaning to get a guy

who can kind of fix some stuff, but...

I got a guy who can
kind of fix some stuff.

- You got a guy that can kind
of fix some stuff? - Yeah.

Yeah, I could bring him over tomorrow.

Is it too soon to tell
you that I love you?

Too soon to tell you

I want to swim another
lap in those boobs?

(chuckles) Kind of.

(grunts)

Honestly, I don't even want
to sleep in Sabrina's room.

I'm not scared of no frickin' squirrel.

If that thing comes at me,

I'll just be like, boosh!

How ya like me now, squirrel?

Besides, I mean, it's
pretty cool you're getting

to live with your older brother, right?

I guess.

Just, uh, don't mess with my stuff

- or I'll frickin' k*ll you.
- Okay.

My nips are mad frickin' hard.

Check them out.

Hey, pop quiz. Who wins in a fight?

King cobra or king crab? Go.

Cobra?

(imitates buzzer)

Crab?

No, trick question.

King cobra would never
fight a king crab.

They're both apex predators.

I'm gonna go get a glass of water.

Hey, dude, good call.

Hydration is mad frickin' important.

- No.
- No what?

No, you can't stay with me.

I'm sorry that you have
a squirrel problem, but...

It's not about the squirrel.

I like the squirrel.

He's my friend. His name is Peter.

We have a secret language.

Get to the point, Ben.

It's about Chip.

What about him?

He makes me feel weird sometimes,

like I want him to stop
saying stuff and doing stuff.

Yeah. I figured this day would come.

Hop up, buddy.

Okay, first of all, the
feelings that you have

are perfectly normal.

- They are?
- Yeah.

The reason Chip makes you feel weird

is because Chip sucks.

- But he's our brother.
- I know,

and we love him, but that doesn't mean

we have to like him.

I don't get it.

It's unrealistic to expect

to like every member of your family.

And in ours, the person
nobody likes is Chip.

He's annoying and painfully unfunny.

He's got that weird obsession
with his nipples lately.

It wasn't a problem
before, but it's hard

now that I got to live with him.

Tell you what.

Why don't you crash with
me for a little while?

- Really?
- Yeah.

While I do not care about
your squirrel problem,

I am sympathetic to your Chip problem.

(gagging)

Ugh. I knew that bitch was coming back.

WOMAN (on TV): too busy
to look into his eyes.

(Mickey shouts)

JIMMY: Hey, come on!

I just built that.

Yeah, well, it didn't take.

- (chuckles)
- What are you so happy about?

I don't know, maybe 'cause

I just made my first
friend in Greenwich.

- First friend?
- You guys, finally,

after months of-of-of self-medicating

and-and loneliness
in this horrific town,

I finally found someone
I want to hang out with.

What a trying time this
must have been for you.

That actually reminds me, um, Jimmy,

I volunteered you to
go over and help out

with some handiwork
stuff around her house.

(groans) Well, well, well.

Looks like somebody
respects my work after all.

That's not what I said.

Well, if you're farming me out,

I must be the best handyman you know.

You're the only handyman I know.

So you do think of me as a handyman.

I think of you as a man with hands.

- I will take that.
- Okay.

All right, I'm gonna go to bed.

Wait, wait, wait. What about our shows?

I re-watch everything, so
I know what is happening.

Oh, yeah, no, Trish and I just kind of

blazed right through season three.

I did black out somewhere

around Ms. Carrington's funeral,

- Whoa! Spoiler!
- So let me know what happens.

Oh, uh, well,

here's another spoiler for you:

I'm gonna go take a two. (chuckles)

- (doorbell rings)
- TRISH: Hello?

(deep voice): I'm here
to r*pe and m*rder you!

TRISH: Mickey! Come on in, girl.

So, I told him, I said, "Look,

"I don't care if she's my
superior officer and a woman,

if your underwear is sticking
out of the top of your pants,

you're getting a wedgie."

- (both laugh)
- Mickey!

Hey...

Jimmy was just telling me about
the week he spent in the Army.

Right on. He tell you about that month

he spent in a homeless shelter?

Ah, well, all in due time.

Yeah, speaking of time, you've
been here since : a.m.

How long does it take
to do some basic repairs?

Oh, well, the contractor of
this place is a real nudnik.

- Hmm.
- Which reminds me, if I get some time,

I'd like to come back here
and get inside the walls.

Well, we're not gonna open up
the walls, but thank you anyway.

You know what, actually, you can...

you can go. You can go.

Oh. Okay.

Well, um, here. Take
this pizza with you.

I mean, I have days
until my ex's wedding,

and this freak has me eating pizza.

Come on, a little slice
never hurt anybody.

(all chuckle)

- Bye.
- MICKEY: Ugh.

Sorry about him. He never leaves.

It's kind of his thing. Mm-hmm.

What's his deal?

Uh, well, for starters,
he's your basic moron.

Do you think he'd have a drink with me?

Oh... um...

Wait, are you guys a thing?

No.

That is cra... Are you insane?

Me with... no.

- Okay. Are you sure?
- Yeah. Please. I mean,

by all means, have a
drink with him, you know?

If you want to have the worst
night of your life, be my guest.

- Yeah!
- Are you gonna...? 'Cause I...

Yeah, I don't get it.

You want me to take Trish out to dinner?

That's correct.

- I'm confused.
- Okay.

Well, you do understand
what dinner is, right?

Yeah. But you're not coming with us?

Am I being unclear in any way?

No, no, I understand you completely.

She gets it, and she's cant
even follow a simple TV show.

Well, what can I say? I get you.

So, this is like a... like a date?

It's whatever you want it to be.

No, that's great.

And then while you're doing that,

we can have a classic girls' night.

Oh. Yeah, maybe.

Eh, I don't know.

We'll play it by ear, you know.

My t*nk's a little empty

after spending the whole day with Trish,

but we'll see how I feel.

Have fun.

Greetings, siblings.

How's the new roommate sitch?

So far, so good.

Aw, isn't that wonderful.

Oh, and just so you know,
there's no hard feelings.

I think this is for the best.

Good. Us, too.

As the man of the house,
I feel like it's my duty

to protect you guys from the squirrel.

So... let's just hope
I don't get m*rder*d.

- By a squirrel?
- Who knows?

Could bite my face off, or
it could chew up my privates

until I bleed out and I'm gone forever.

Yeah, well, we'll keep
our fingers crossed.

- So annoying.
- Big time.

Okay, hey, I was not annoying!
I was cool, but modest!

I was generous, but not overbearing.

Why do you guys keep
talking trash about me?

It's okay, Ben. Go ahead.

BEN: Sorry, Chip.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

You're just...

kind of annoying sometimes.

(sighs)

But, but I-I'm your older brother.

I'm supposed to be your idol.

And-and, Sabrina,

you're supposed to look out of me.

You're supposed to hook
me up with your friends

so I can learn about sex,
a-and then we talk about it

and you teach me how to be even hotter.

You want me to watch you
have sex with my friends?

What?! No!

No, we just, we talk about it.

We're supposed to be tight.

You guys really think I'm annoying?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh...

Fine. I'll, uh...

I guess I'll just leave, then.

Be out of here faster than a cheetah,

the fastest animal in the world.

Ha! A cheetah isn't the
fastest. A peregrine falcon is.

Idiots!

MAN (on TV): He has my eyes.

WOMAN (on TV): You've been
too busy to look into his eyes.

What the hell is going on?

Oh, it's a good one.

He just learned that the boy he raised

is the bastard son of
his business partner.

That's not at all what's happening.

That's not even what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about Jimmy. Where is he?

It's almost midnight.

What are you worried about? Relax.

Have some Molly.

You know, he probably already blew it.

Hey, how many times
you think he's farted,

and then said, "Who
just farted in my pants?"

(both laugh)

- Loser.
- What a boner.

(Jimmy shouts)

God...

Hello, ladies.

Why is your mouth all red?

Oh, Trish and I got cranked on sangria.

(chuckles) You hate sangria.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

Turns out I hate your sangri.

Trish makes a mean batch.

- Huh.
- Hmm.

- We'll have to check that out.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.
- Anyway, thank you so much again.

Uh, you are relieved of your duties.

Well, not quite. She
asked me to be her date

to her ex's wedding.

Huh.

Are you gonna do it?

Well, what do you think?

Of course I'm going.

Oh, I should work on my toast.

Wow, that's kind of messed up.

- Hmm.
- What?

Well, Trish moving
in on Jimmy like that.

- What happened to girl code?
- No.

She didn't do anything wrong.

She asked me, I told her...

Jimmy and I are not... there's nothing.

Oh, no, it doesn't matter.

A true friend would
never do that to you.

It is kind of a bitch move, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, a real bitch play.

Hmm, I'm gonna go to bed.

Okay.

Good night, Mickey.

Oh, yes,

all the pieces are falling into place.

Soon, Mickey will be mine.

(laughs)

- What's that?
- Eh, what?

No, uh, this Finger Lakes, it's good.

It's good. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Come on, tie, you bastard.

- (Mickey laughs)
- It's not funny.

- Come here.
- No.

- Let me help.
- (panting)

- Don't screw it up.
- Just suck your neck in a little bit.

- You can't suck a neck in, Mick.
- Okay!

Maybe lay off the salt for
a couple days, you know?

Have a little water. I hate water.

I know you hate water. There we go.

Yeah? It look good?

Yeah, you look good.

Is this weird?

Wearing Trish's ex-husband's suit

to his own wedding... I mean, yeah.

No, like, going to
this thing with Trish.

Why would that be weird?

You know.

Come on, this is...

ALBA: Jimmy?

(laughs): Wow.

You look handsome for you.

Oh. You better get going,
'cause you know what they say.

If you are late to a wedding,

then you will be early to your funeral.

- Do people say that?
- No one's ever said that, ever.

- No, they say it.
- No. That's never been said.

But she's right. You should go.

Okay, fine. I'm gonna...

(door opens, closes)

Whoa. (laughs)

Finally, right?

Oh, you want to watch The Finger Lake?

No, you know what? Screw Finger Lakes.

- Okay.
- We're going out.

(laughs)

- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah.

The stage is set.

McGregor versus Mayweather.

Tr*mp versus Clinton.

Tom Brady versus the
whole frickin' world.

But now for the ultimate showdown...

Chip versus squirrel.

Come on.

Show yourself, squirrel.

(screaming)

(panting)

Don't just sit there, do something!

♪ ♪

Mm.

Excuse me, ladies...

Nope. We're closed. Take
your business somewhere else.

Not interested, guy.
Doing a ladies' thing.

- No boys allowed.
- Uh, no, no, no, no.

I'm the manager. I just need
you guys to take it down a notch.

And please, watch your language.

Uh, some people are complaining.

Uh, maybe crank the
music up. Problem solved.

- Boom, did your job for you.
- (laughs)

Anything else I can do?

It's not that kind of place.

And this is not a dance floor.

Okay. You know what?
I'm gonna take a break.

'Cause my feet are starting to cramp up.

And that's the only reason

- why I'm taking a break.
- Yeah.

(laughs)

Isn't this place the best?

It's good, huh?

There's just nobody here.

No, no, but that's what
makes it so great. You know?

We've streamlined the operation.

From now on, just you and me.

"From now on"?

What do you... (laughs)

What do you mean?

You know, three's a crowd.

Jimmy's nice and all, but you're
not supposed to be with him.

You're supposed to
be with me. (chuckles)

- Oh.
- (chuckles)

Uh... I-I don't mean to... I just...

Did you think I...

No, no offense. I like
you very much, as a friend.

- No... no, I didn't mean that.
- I don't know, but...

- I was just... No, no, no!
- I've made a mistake.

- That's becoming clear to me now.
- But I wasn't...

I just got to pop by
that wedding real quick.

- It's all good. Hey, you'll be fine.
- I... no, Mickey.

Drink some water. Can we
get some waters over here?

- No, no.
- Yeah, I-I'll be,

I'll be back in a few hours.

No. Mickey, wait, don't go!

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here today

to join this man and this woman...

I can't believe he's marrying
someone older than me.

What a kick in the cooch.

Nah.

Without makeup, you look
just as old as she does.

(chuckling): That's...

Thanks for coming.

If anyone has any objections

as to why this couple should not wed,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

Wait!

Wait!

- Mick?
- Wait!

- Oh!
- (people gasping)

(laughs softly) Hi.

Whoops. Hi, there. All good.

Thank you. Hi, everybody. Sorry.

That was unexpected.

No, no, nobody panic, okay?

I'm not here

to-to object to this wedding.

But you two, I object to you.

- Okay, Mickey, can I...
- Jimmy, just let... just shut up.

- No, but you have... - Just shut up
and let me talk for a second, okay?

Trish, I really like you.

But this, I just can't
be okay with this.

I don't know why it
bothers me, it just does.

- Okay.
- I just feel like...

(stammers) He's like,
you... He's like my dog.

- You know what I mean?
- And when somebody

pets my dog, I don't like it.

I don't like it!

I'm just trying to he... tell you here

that I am having feelings.
I think they're feelings.

Okay, Mick...

I don't quite understand
what they are. I feel...

- I feel weird, if I'm being totally honest.
- Stop. Okay. Okay.

I feel a little bit weird.

ALBA: No, Mickey, don't!

(people gasping, screaming)

- (screams)
- (Alba crashes)

Alba?

(Alba shouting)

(grunting)

I-I, no, I'm good.

- You okay?
- Don't worry.

- I... no, it's okay.
- I don't know...

I don't know what she's doing, but I...

If I'm being honest,
I feel like this church

- is a little off-kilter.
- What... Mickey.

What is that? What?

- Am I right?
- No, no, don't pull!

Oh! Mickey!

(people screaming)

- Mickey, no!
- Get off!

- Stop.
- I just...

Mickey, no!

- Oh, no.
- Mickey, are you...?

- Is that mine?
- Yeah.

- Is that real?
- Yeah.

- Oh, I screwed up.
- That's not good.

- It's okay. No, I got you.
- Oh...

Hey, bud. How you feeling?

Like you care.

We do care.

Yeah, right. I thought
you guys fricking hated me.

Come on, Chip, you're our brother.

We don't hate you.

We love you.

BEN: Yeah, I'd be pretty sad

if you got k*lled by a squirrel.

- Thanks, guys. That means a lot.
- SABRINA: Yeah,

and I'm sure this annoying
stuff is just a phase.

You know, you'll
probably grow out of it.

I guess you're right.

Besides, I mean, it's not
like you've always been cool.

Remember when you were
friends with that guy

who turned out to be a huge drug dealer?

That was very cool.

Okay, well, do you remember when
you were in the seventh grade

and dating that senior? Ha.

Probably the coolest
thing I've ever done.

Well, look, the doctor
said you might have rabies.

That's pretty rad.

I guess that is pretty sick.

I'm like frickin' Old Yeller.

(howls)

All right, we're gonna go get some food.

Bye, Chip. Hope you feel better.

Hey, guys?

I love you, too.

Why are you staring at me like that?

Because you love me.

I had a shard of glass
stuck in my jugular.

I can't be responsible
for anything I said.

It's okay.

'Cause I love you enough for both of us.

Eh.

- You called me your dog.
- Stop. I hate myself.

Special delivery.

Alba... You got me flowers,
Alba? You didn't have to do that.

Well, I-I wanted to. (chuckles)

And a card, too?

- Oh, no, that's a-a...
- Ah.

"Best wedding ever. Love, Trish."

I... you know, I brought them inside.

I mean, this woman. It wasn't enough

that she saved my life
and gave me her blood.

Hey, I gave you my blood.

Your blood was unusable.

Doctor said you had enough Molly
in your system to k*ll a moose.

Why, doctors are dramatic. Uh,
you've seen The Finger Lakes.

Trish's blood, top shelf.

I can feel it just
coursing through my veins.

Well, why don't you just cut
her open and live inside her?

- (scoffs)
- Sounds nice.

- Oh!
- Ho!

Power's on.

Eh, not bad, right?

Yeah.

You did good, Jimmy.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

(farts)

Who farted in my pants?

Oh, come on. Ugh!

Get out of here!

- Who did that?
- Just, oh, my...